All language subtitles for Kenan.S01E09.1080

Ooh, T-G-I-F, baby.

Ooh, I'm about to sleep in,
go to the club

Good for you. It must be nice.

What's wrong, man? Work's over.

It's the weekend.

We got two days to chill, baby.

Not when you're a single dad.

How many times I gotta tell you, man?

You are not a single dad.

You got me. You got Rick.

We're like a papa-ge � trois.

Yeah, and just like in a m�nage � trois,

one person has to do all the dirty work.

- Me.
- Ew.

I love my girls, but they
got so much going on now,

it's actually less stressful
for me to be at work.

So, like, my weeks are like my weekends,

and my weekends are my weeks.

Oh, so, like, your
Monday's like your Friday,

or like Thursday, because
Thursday is your new Friday.

No, your Sunday is my Friday.

Well, I guess now Thursday.

Which makes Friday my Monday.

Got it, got it, completely understand.

So you would have
Thanksgiving on Tuesday, then?

I'm not pitching a full
calendar rearrange here, Gary,

I'm just making a comparison,

- all right?
- Gotcha.

I probably won't even
see you till Monday.

Okay, wait, but hold on.

Whose Monday? Your Monday or my Monday?

Gary, please.

Dad, can I get a Snickers?

- No.
- Can I get a phone?

- No.
- Why?

Because they are bad for you.

Which one? The phone or the Snickers?

Both. Now, c'mon, we're late. Here.

Yeah, I know. Yeah, I know.

- But Piper got one!
- I don't care what Piper eats.

No, I'm talking about the phone.

- Piper eats phones?
- No, Snickers.

That's what I said. No Snickers.

Oh! Come on, get in the car.
Get in the car!

Giddy-up, Daddy! Giddy-up!

- I'm giddy-ing! I'm giddy-ing!
- Come on!

More like giddying-down to me.

Hey, can y'all keep it down, man?

It's 11:30. Some of us
had to twerk last night.

It's only 11:30?

Nap time. See you at dinner.

Hey, hey, here we go.

- I need some sugar cubes!
- Blblblblb!

Good morning. Good morning.

The weekend is over!

Are y'all ready for this?

T-G-I-M, T-G-I-M.

Hey, Pam, c'mon, T-G-I-M.

No.

? Good morning ?

Mika!

- T-G-I-M!
- Shh, shh, shh, shh.

I am on no sleep, okay?

I got wild this weekend
with a capital W.

The Cheryl Strayed memoir
from ten years ago.

Mm, could not put it down.

Okay, well, I got a little wild myself.

I sprained two fingers playing Trouble.

You hear what I did there?

I said I sprained

Did anyone else enjoy the joke?

Kenan, it is 4:30 Monday morning.

Why you gotta act
like a dude in an '80s movie

who gets laid and then comes in
in the best mood of his life?

Because I'm at work now,
and I finally get some me time

to destress, let my mind
wander, read my phone,

maybe even go to the potty
for longer than five minutes

without somebody banging on the door

and asking me to scoop a Lego
out their nose.

Yeah, you gotta take away Gary's Legos.

Oh! Well, who wants to toast
to a happy Monday?

Anybody? Cheers? Anybody?

Oh, I know you want to toast
to it, you handsome devil,

A salud!

? Wake up, wake up, wake up,
wake up, wake up ?

Now, I'm known
for my chicken fried streak.

- Okay.
- And my steak fried chicken

Yes, you are.

And my chicken fried rice pudding.

Okay.

But nowadays, folks want healthy,

so we're gonna make a lovely

red wine vinaigrette salad.

Boo!

More like ooh! Gorgeous.

No way. In my book, lettuce is just

a plate for mozzarella sticks,
am I right about that?

A salad. The answer to the question:

What's mostly water
and tastes like the ground?

Oh, sorry, Betsy,
looks like we're getting

breaking news from City Hall.

Weeks of negotiations
between the school board

and the teachers union have broken down,

and teachers are threatening to strike.

Good. Strike. Show them who's boss.

All Atlanta teachers
could walk off the job

as soon as midnight tonight.

I hope they do. Fight the power.

Leaving thousands of parents
at a loss for childcare.

- Say what now?
- So y'all might wanna prepare for.

Bring-Your-Child-To-Work-Month!

Or, heck, even year.

So our kids are just gonna
be with us all the time?

Like, even all me time?

- Oh, God, oh, God.
- Shh.

That wine is for cooking.

He's fine.

So, girls, how are you?

How're your teachers?
Do they strike you as happy?

Do they strike you as unhappy?

Have they been using the word "strike"?

Well, Linda says it's inappropriate

to talk about that stuff around us.

Uh, Linda? Who's Linda?

- My teacher.
- Wow. Huh.

If I called my teacher
by her first name,

my mom would have whooped
the handsome off me...

is what I woulda said
if my mom lived with us.

She married our neighbor.

Your childhood man, whoa.

She was right there,
like the whole time?

Yeah, she was in the hood.
She would wave occasionally.

That is not enough.

Well, I love Linda. I think she's nice.

Who cares if she's nice?

She's supposed to impose
discipline and get results.

These days, everybody
is more concerned about

feelings than teaching. That's why they

keep cranking out kids that
can't handle the real world,

- like Gary.
- Hey, my problems

are not my teachers' fault.

They are somebody else's fault entirely.

Case in point.

You know, there was a time

when I thought about becoming a teacher,

but my "Full Metal Jacket" style

just wouldn't fly anymore,

and I dropped out in the 7th grade.

You teaching?

I would both love
and be terrified to see that.

Well, I think I do well in school

because Linda's nice. She supports me.

Yeah, now our teachers need our support.

That is why we stand with the onion.

Well, normally I am pro-onion as well,

but in this case,
I just hope the school board

comes to their senses before

Well, it's official.
The teachers are now on strike,

leaving thousands
of parents without child

Hey, hey, psst, hey,
come down from there.

Birdie, come down.

No, no, no, go over there.

Leaving thousands of parents
without childcare.

Excuse me, sweetheart.

Excuse me,
we're trying to do a show here.

- Okay, honey...
- Honey, you gotta move.

Well, it's official.

The teachers are now on strike,

leaving thousands of parents without...

All right. You know what?

I'm gonna come over here. All right.

Starting to feel like my weekend.

Well, it's official.
The teachers are now

I said no!

Childcare.

There doesn't seem to be a sign

that the stalemate
will slow down anytime

Can y'all come get y'all babies?

What if I only use it for emergencies?

You mean like if you're starving?

Look, those commercials are not real.

You're not gonna turn into Danny Trejo

just because you don't get a Snickers.

I'm the one who wants the phone.

I'm the one that wants the Snickers.

And I'm the one
that's saying no to you both.

Hey, baby girls.

There's some donuts in the break room.

- We never get donuts for breakfast!
- Oh, hey, just one!

Question: Who is having all these kids?

Most our crew is unbangable.

Did you know Roy Props has a newborn?

Dude's like 60 and has total VDE.

You mean BDE?

Oh, no, V, for vasectomy.

It's a vibe.

- Ah!
- I don't like your dress.

Aw, I don't care.

Actually, I do care.

I don't know how we're gonna
work like this, Kenan.

All right, look, relax.

I already bribed Gary
to watch all the kids.

He's great. He was
a Chuck E. Cheese mascot.

- Oh.
- Tag. You it.

Oh, my God. Eric, get off the catwalk!

If you could just get these kids

on an organic diet, their behavior

would improve drastically.

Oh, is that what the nanny
who raises your kids told you?

She doesn't raise them.

Braden called her Mom one month.

Uh-oh.

Why are we stopping?
Guys, I have strike research

for you in my office.
We gotta keep doing our jobs.

Oh, there go the cool girls right there.

Who, them?

No, these aren't like the
teens we grew up with, Mika.

Have you seen "Euphoria"? They're bad.

Amy's right. The girls that
I went to high school with

did my homework.

Oh, I was the bully.
I should have said that.

- Hmm, well...
- Yeah.

I was cool.

Okay, fine, I wasn't,

but that's the beauty
of being grown, right?

I mean, that stuff
doesn't matter anymore.

Watch this. Hey, ladies.

I'm sure you're having fun
just skipping school

and Twitching all day,

but can do you do it somewhere else?

Yeah, we're not Twitching.

We're doing important school work.

Just 'cause we don't have teachers

doesn't mean we don't have
to learn how to fix the world

that your generation broke.
Okay, Boomer?

Okay, so I'm on the Gen-X
millennial cusp, right?

So not responsible for anything really.

Good or bad.

I mean, look, apathy
was in style at the time.

Not that I'm apolitical now.

Actually, I run
a women in business forum

We're not interested
in your cis-gendered feminism

from the 1900s.

Your view of womanhood is so narrow.

Please and thank you.

- Conference room.
- Oh, sweet couch.

Ah, just a couple minutes, yeah.

Ah-hem! We need help with our homework.

But the teachers are on strike.

They left worksheets.

Well, how thoughtful of Linda.

Come on.

What's a protozoa?

Uh, skip.

Did you know anything times one is one?

I don't think that's how that works.

I don't think I can skip the protozoa.

All right, well, just put down

- what Spider-Man was fighting.
- Daddy, I'm not playing.

All right. Alexa, what's a protozoa?

Protozoa is an informal term

for a group of single-celled eukaryotes.

Okay, Alexa, fart.

Technology.

Aubrey, be careful!

Damn, I'm sorry. I'm raising my voice.
It's very unlike me.

See? 12 times 1 is 1.

No, Birdie, it's 12 again.

Again, I apologize for raising my voice.

It's just, y'all,

this is usually when Daddy
usually destresses

- and relaxes.
- Hey, Kenan,

- we're taping promos, so.
- Read the room, Phil!

Hey, we're all having
a hell of a day here!

I know, I'm sorry!

- Me too!
- All right.

Let's have a hug then.

Gravity!

? Wake up, wake up,
wake up, wake up, wake up ?

-? Wake up ?
- Disturbing news from upstate

where two federal inmates have escaped

and are considered to be armed and...

Silly.

Yes, they are armed

with Silly String.

That's right.
Semi-automatic Silly String,

which they borrowed from their guards,

who they savagely

tickled to sleep.

Witness say the inmates,
who were life sentences

for a string of ra...

... ainbows and tickling parties

were high... on life

during the escape, which basically
made them invincible.

Yes, like superheroes, that's right.

Meth man and Crank Boy.

And we're out!

Can somebody tell me
whose child this is?

He just jumped on my back and
started calling me Hodor.

Aw, nah. Oh, hell nah.

This maniac is peeing on me.
Okay, I quit. I'm done.

This is a Isabel Marant shirt.

Gary, you can't just quit.

This ain't like going to the dentist.

Look, I don't care if it
rots your brains, all right?

Just please keep watching
the television.

Oh, man, what a week.

Ha. Try two days, champ.

Oh, man, that's right.

Man, not only are my
responsibilities around here

double what they were because
Cori used to do half,

but now I don't
even get a break from them?

Cori did half?

- She did three-quarters.
- Ahem.

Okay, fine, she did 99% of everything,

but, man, I'm about to snap.

I can't function like this.

I yelled at my kids today.

And some other people's kids.

Look, this is just so not like me.

It's not your fault, man.

These little weasels are undisciplined.

You need help.

Are you offering?

Yes, I am.

This retirement thing is boring as hell.

I did a Dr. Ken's MasterClass.

It took me four hours to figure out

he was doing comedy and not medicine.

Wow.

Besides, I mean, how hard
can teaching be, really?

Thank you, but I don't need
you to teach them.

I just need you to keep
them in the conference room

long enough for us
to get some work done.

And, if I happen to get a little me time

in the meantime, I'm not mad at you.

The best way to hold a child captive

is to captivate their mind.

Every time you start a sentence,

it's its own unique nightmare.

Just keep 'em in the damn room.

- Hey, I head you.
- Thank you.

- Dad, Aubrey hit me.
- She started it.

So I guess your help starts tomorrow?

What's today?

Calm yourselves.

Welcome to class.

Oh, gosh.

I am your teacher.

You may call me Mr. Noble or sir.

Now let me tell you how this works.

You sit there, you don't talk.

You listen, even if you don't
care what I'm saying.

It's called school.

Or, later on you find out, marriage.

Now, I'm aware that the age
ranges are from 7 to 17,

so we're gonna start out
with something universal:

Accountability.

Now, here we go. We're gonna...

What is that? How did you do.

Check this out, y'all.

That's disgusting.

Colorful, but disgusting.

What! Hey, show some respect.

- Ah!
- Oh, hell no.

Who did it?

Because if you 18,
we about to fight right now.

And if you're not, call your
daddy, so I can fight him.

Food fight!

No, no, no, no!

Aah!

This has got to stop.
Get the teacher's union

and the school board on the phone, now.

I'm taking back my me time.

Hey, Rick, give that man back
his wheelchair.

Okay, Michelle, thank you.
I think I'm good on the powder.

That's it, you're gonna live
with Mommy and Chad in Denver.

Hope you like omelets, Eric.

All right, Kenan,
a lot riding on this, pal.

Did you read all the
strike research I sent you?

'Cause this thing is very complicated,

so if you're gonna mediate,
you gotta know the stuff.

Copy that.

No, I mean copy these notes

and tape them underneath my desk.

I didn't have a chance to read nothing.

No, no.

Welcome back to a very
special segment on "Wake Up."

As the strike hits
its fourth contentious day,

I am joined now by a member
of the Teachers Union,

and my daughter's favorite teacher,

Linda Phillips,

and the head of the
school board, Andrew Dunn.

Now Andrew,

the teachers are asking for a 6% raise.

Don't you think that's reasonable?

Unfortunately,
the state has cut our budget

every year since 2008.

We don't have the funding.

Well, there you have it, Linda.

I mean, there's nothing you can do

if they don't have the funding.
Am I right?

No, because they do have it.

- They do?
- Yes.

The board allocates the funds,
and I'm sorry,

but they just have not made
teachers a priority.

Well, it's simple.

Andrew, you just gotta
make the teachers a priority.

- Well, it's not that easy.
- No, it certainly is not, is it?

Why don't you expand
on that while I, um...

It's my daughter's cursive worksheet.

How'd that get in there?

Why do y'all even still teach
cursive in school, Linda?

Oh, my God. That B is terrible.

You see, we already
have millions allocated

to increasing their pension.

- Millions?
- Yes.

And despite our insistence
that that increase

will bankrupt us.

We don't have it. Plain and simple.

Well, I'm not seeing that here,

but it's plain and simple, Linda.

It's actually not plain and simple.

No, it's not.

Nothing ever is.

The funds have been grossly mismanaged.

They invested our pensions in Theranos.

After the documentary.

- It's ridiculous.
- That is ridiculous, Andrew.

- It's also a lie.
- That's a ding-dang lie, Linda.

How could you do me like this?

After all of the Color Me Mine
gift cards I've sent you?

This is how you do me?

A lie?

You're gonna call the teachers liars?

- I think he is, Linda.
- Gary, be not here.

Well, I'm getting the signal
to wrap it up here,

but call me optimistic.

I think we fixed it. Did we work it out?

We didn't work it out, did we?

Man, I don't know how much
more of this I can take.

I haven't had over one minute
of me time in over a week.

- I'm running on fumes.
- Speaking of fumes, man,

when's the last time you showered?

I guess it's been a while.

At least it can't get any worse.

There he is!

Teachers don't lie! Teachers don't lie!

- Teachers don't lie.
- Shall we go the long way?

- Yeah.
- Yeah let's take the long way.

Some teachers lie.
Y'all lyin' about that lie.

Why aren't y'all with Papa Rick?

And where did you get
a phone and a Snickers?

You bought Birdie a phone?

Snickers. Gave Aubrey a phone.

- Why you bribing my kids?
- I'm bribin' all the kids,

because that's the only way
you can get 'em to listen.

Look, man. Kids...

are impossible. We've
been with them for one week.

And it's changed us.

- It definitely changed Dad.
- For the worse.

Excuse me, but this has been a
really rough week on your pops.

I mean, imagine if your school
had no recess

and it never stopped,

and then every single
person at the school

depended on your for
everything, or they would die.

I mean, that's basically
what being an adult is.

Dark.

I mean, we love our teachers, Dad.

Linda's the best, Dad.

Hmm.

I guess I shouldn't have
called her a liar, huh?

That was my bad.
I was just a little stressed.

- I made a mistake.
- So apologize.

That's what you tell us to do
when we make mistakes.

Man, don't ya hate it

when they use your own advice
against you?

I do.

Teachers get an A. Kenan gets an F.

Teachers get an A. Kenan gets an F!

Okay, one, two, three, eyes on me.

Okay, sorry. Just a little joke.

- I know, I know...
- Booooooo!

I never should have gone
against y'all on TV.

I'm sorry. I just wanted
the strike to end

because not having school sucks.

My job is like a weekend,

and your job is like my actual weekend,

which is more like my week

I don't want to go down
that rabbit hole again.

Look, the point is...

I was selfish.

But this isn't about me.
This is about the kids.

And, Linda, I'm sorry.

You have gotten my daughters
through a lot of tough times.

So I am calling on all
Atlanta parents to join me.

'Cause remember, the more
you hate being with your kids,

the more money our teachers deserve!

That's right. All right.

I'm sorry. It look like these kids

aren't goin' anywhere for a while.

Oh, I don't know about that.

I used your speech to start
a GoFundMe for the teachers.

It's already up 20K.

Wow!

Feels good to help, right?

Or... the teachers will
have enough leverage,

the board will have to fold,

and then you'll get your "me time" back.

Yes!

You brilliant devil.

Real talk, I need those teens gone.

Haven't felt this lame
since the entire high school

found out that me and the nurse
were best friends.

It's not weird. I asked to shadow her,

and the friendship developed from there.

Yeah, I hate to say this, Mika, but, uh,

those girls might be right.
You are not cool.

Oh, well, thanks.
That's a... weird pep talk.

You're hot.

- Aw...
- You see what I did there?

- I see it!
- You see what I did?

Yeah.

And you're great.

So screw them.

Thanks.

Yeah, screw 'em.

Girl, no cap,
that GoFundMe is a whole mewd!

You're like Greta Funberg!

Like, I highkey love you. Like, wig!

- Hey!
- Hey!

- Get lost, Grandpa.
- That was my muffin!

You can sit right there.

- You look so cute today.
- Stop!

- Your hair is amazing.
- I know; It's mine.

This is Chelsea A, And Chelsea L.

Oh, that's what a protozoa is.

My bad. I couldn't have been
further away.

And Uno

Dang, again?

Little Birdie is sharp, man.

- Dang!
- Bon Appetit.

Magazine caught a little on fire

about halfway through the recipe,

so I had to improvise a little.

When in doubt,
just add hot dogs and raisins.

- That's gross.
- Oh, yum-my!

Uch!

Wow, look at us, all workin' together.

You know, I'm glad that strike happened.

It's brought us all so much
closer together as a family.

Yeah, I love y'all.

- I love you, Dad.
- Uh, hold up!

Strike's over. The school board folded!

Let the me time begin!

That's disgusting.
I'm going out for sushi.