Original subtitles

Gortimer: I've lived my whole life on Normal Street.

There's a lake at one end,

and a forest of shady trees at the other.

But what lies in between is anything but normal.

Gortimer: They say to know a person--

to truly know them--

their hopes, their faults--

You have to walk a mile in their moccasins.

But what happens when the moccasins won't come off?

Gortimer, you're nothing if not consistent.

Again?

[whistle blows]

Come on, Audrey! You can do it!

No, sit down. I'm sorry.

Don't worry, Audrey. You got this.

I obviously don't. You could have done that in your sleep.

I've been setting longer than you have.

Just try getting to the net quicker,

and get under the ball.

How much longer?

- Another week at least. - [sighs]

I know. I feel terrible. I'm letting you guys down.

- Woman: Audrey! - Don't worry. I'll figure it out.

I know you will.

[groans]

I did ask you to make sure to put these records

back when you were done.

Mm-hmm. I'm not done.

Are you sitting over there, listening to that album?

I might be real soon.

Depends on how good this chicken parm is.

[both laugh]

[clears throat]

Oh, please, continue.

As I was saying,

not a vacuum, just your average living room.

Sea level, average air pressure.

- Pillow cushion? - Pile carpet, minimal padding.

I calculate the maximum drop height

of a regular large egg without breakage

- is 68 centimeters. - Dream on, sis.

- You max out at 60. - Not with a parachute.

- Oh, I forgot the rolls. - Ooh!

- Dad. - Keep going. I can hear you.

With average air pressure,

the parachute wouldn't even open for 30 centimeters.

- Oh, good point. - Catherine? Rebuttal?

But it would stabilize the egg.

Impact would be at the base, the strongest point.

Ooh! Point, Cat!

- Great debate, kids. - Of course, I was clearly punching down.

- Easy, now. - Please.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

I'm the chicken dinner.

- Okay, I have a tally. - So do I.

- It's Catherine. - Michael.

All right, we'll just move forward

with the customary tie-breaker.

Dillman Family Quiz Bowl tomorrow night.

- Loser does the dishes for a week. - Yeah.

Can I put my order in for a burnt tuna casserole?

- Only if you're gonna eat it. - [laughs]

Here. You'll need these.

I hope no one else has a sprinkle emergency,

because I just bought out Hill Market.

Thanks, kid. You're a life saver.

[phone rings]

Union Bakery. If it can fit in an oven,

we can bake it.

What?

Yeah. Okay. Got it.

Mom, Tom and Dillon just doubled their cupcake order

for their wedding.

No, that's in like-- That's two days.

We already have-- We've got five showers this week--

two baby, three bridal.

Guess I'll ask your grandpa.

He's in Ohio until Thursday.

Of course, and your dad--

He's worked late every night this week.

- I'll do it. - Are you sure?

Don't you wanna hang out with your friends?

Yeah, but I'm your life saver, right?

Oh, you really are. Thank you.

Single file, and smile pretty.

These cards are your primary source of identification.

- Well? - Good job. You're right.

It's definitely better than a B-plus.

- I knew it. - What did Miss Francis say?

- What do you mean? - You asked her about it, right?

No, I'm not gonna question a teacher about a grade.

Miss Francis is pretty smart. I'm sure she had her reasons.

- Guess what I did on Saturday. - Ran with bulls?

Just a shot in the dark.

Worked at the bakery.

Guess what I did on Sunday. I'll give you a hint.

It rhymes with "perked at the lakery."

Worst part is, there's this special sneak preview

of the awesomest movie ever made, and I can't go.

- Code Black? - Code Black: Red Alert.

They took Johnny Black's family,

and now they're going to see red.

They took his family last time.

He's gotta keep better track of them.

Do you know how hard it was for me and Stanley to get tickets?

Why don't you just tell your mom you wanna go to the movie?

Life savers don't go to the movies.

I don't know what that means.

- All of us? - Four at a time.

Facial recognition software cross-references a data base

with students and faculty in real time.

We cut processing time by 75%.

The future is now, my friends.

- [typing] - Hey, girl on the right.

Eyes up there.

Hello in there.

Sorry. Quiz bowl tonight.

I gotta be chicken dinner, or else I'm elbow deep in dishes.

- Five... - hard to explain.

Let's just say today is not a good day to be me.

- Three... - Or me.

- Two... - Me, either.

- One. - Ditto.

Say cheese.

Your IDs will print out right over there.

Ow. My ankle suddenly hurts.

And mine feels better.

There you go. There you go.

And here you go.

- Mine has Gortimer's name. - Melody Fuller?

The machine must have scrambled us up.

Mine, too. Looks like I'm Catherine.

And I'm Ranger.

Hey, Sal, we need new pictures.

The machine mixed up our names.

Huh.

That's a head scratcher.

Okay, you guys sit back down.

Three, two, one...

[keyboard clicks]

- What happened? - [keyboard clacking]

It froze. Some sort of software glitch.

[keyboard clacking]

Can you force it into de-bug mode?

You might be drawing too much power from the USB bus.

Have you tried turning it off and back on again?

All right, everybody out. You're annoying me.

Hey, Gortimer, here's your science book.

- Thanks for letting me borrow it. - Thanks, Stanley.

That's for Gortimer.

- I'm not Gortimer. - I'm Gortimer.

Ranger, is this one of your classic pranks I never understand?

- I'm Ranger. - I'm Catherine.

Okay, I guess I'm Principal Jimenez today.

- I'm Mel? - I'm Gortimer?

- I'm Ranger? - I'm confused.

Our IDs. When the machine switched

our pictures and our names,

it actually switched our identities.

That's why my ankle hurts and yours doesn't.

We're in each other's bodies.

Not much I can do for you guys right now.

- Sal, this is a big problem. - Yeah, tell me about it.

Blew my annual budget on this piece of garbage,

and I have my performance review coming up.

It switched our identities.

Use your old ones. I don't care.

Hi. Yes. Yes, I'm still here.

No, don't put me back on hold! No!

Representative.

Representative.

Guys, come back tomorrow.

[sighs]

- What do we do now? - This is a mess.

Sal: Representative!

Am I the only one who sees this?

This is almost the exact plot

of Code Black: Double Double Agent.

How does that one go again?

Come with me to Paris...

♪♪

...where Johnny Black and his family are enjoying a vacation,

until thieves steal the Mona Lisa and kidnap

the only witness, Johnny's son, Bobby.

As if that weren't bad enough,

a motorcycle gang kidnaps Johnny's daughter, Sarah.

With the help of state-of-the-art makeup and prosthetics,

Johnny, appearing as his wife, Gloria,

infiltrates the biker gang to rescue Sarah

because Johnny is a world-class motorcyclist,

and the lead evil biker used to date Gloria.

Long story. Meanwhile,

Gloria, who looks like Johnny,has to rescue Sarah,

because the art thieves don't know what Johnny looks like.

But Gloria is a famous art expert and can verify

if the stolen Mona Lisa is a forgery.

Uh, then Bobby and Sarah switch denies somehow.

Then a bunch of stuff blows up,

and Sarah ends up driving a train

while Bobby's riding a motorcycle on top of it,

trying to keep up with the plane that Gloria's flying.

And Johnny is standing on the wing,

fighting with the head art thief

over the real Mona Lisa.

And the guy says, "Give me the painting."

And Johnny knocks him off the wing and into the river.

He looks at the camera and says,

"You didn't say please."

And they live happily ever after. Pretty close, right?

Amusing but pointless.

Let's just try to do our best to be each other

until the machine gets fixed.

Hey, isn't that Gortimer's locker?

Yeah.

Right.

Not my locker, because I'm not Gortimer.

I'm Mel,

who has a different locker.

Right.

Hey, ladies, quick question.

Since I'm Mel and I'm obviously a girl just like you,

I was just wondering if any of you have noticed

how effortlessly cool Gortimer is.

Right?

I mean, just between us girls.

[bell rings]

Catherine?

Oh, totally.

I was just doing my Ranger impersonation.

What do you think?

What did I get on my quiz?

You mean what did I get-- 90.

- What? - 90.

My brother is never gonna let me hear the end of it.

And why should he? I'm the kind of loser

who gets a 90, it's barely an A.

It's almost a B.

Whoa. Catherine, you okay?

[bell rings]

You shrugged and agreed to disagree.

Oh, also you owe Marie Cameron a dollar. Long story.

Sounds like I had a full day.

Sounds like I did, too.

Apparently, I asked some girls

if Gortimer was effortlessly cool.

- What was that? - A very bad idea.

So you ready for volleyball practice?

I'm just sitting on the bench, right?

Rules, team members' names, pictures, and positions.

One girl in particular-- Audrey.

She's the setter now, so you have to help her become the new me.

- But I'm the new you. - Whatever.

Hurry. No version of me is ever late.

- What happened? - Apparently, Ranger, I mean I,

parkoured across the parking lot into a trash bin.

I never turn down a stunt. You know that.

But did you have to do it in front of the entire school?

These people depend on me for their entertainment.

I have your family, Johnny Black.

Give me the yellow cake uranium

if you ever wanna see them again.

Ranger, your line is, "You didn't say please."

- I'm Catherine. - How long are we doing this?

We're being serious. The student ID machine messed up our IDs,

and now we're switched.

And you expect me to believe that?

- Test me. - What's the square root of 417?

- I have no idea. - Neither do I. Story checks out.

For the record, it's 20.421.

Just in case.

All right? Let's go.

- So what movie are we seeing. - No movie.

You have to help my mom at the bakery.

But Catherine can go to the movie.

No, you can't. You have a yearbook meeting

followed by debate team practice.

But most importantly, you have to get ready

for the Dillman Family quiz bowl.

It's already a lot less fun than I thought it would be.

Tell me about it.

Wait. Don't!

Now you could be anybody.

Okay, here we go. You're gonna set it, Audrey.

Whoo! Awesome job, guys!

Sarcasm is unappreciated, Fuller.

Give it to me again. Audrey, you're gonna set it.

- [groans] - Audrey!

- Sorry. - Run a line.

Let's go, guys. Right?

Miss Francis, do you have a moment?

Gortimer, what a nice surprise.

I'd like to talk to you about my Animal Farm essay.

Good work on this. You made some really interesting arguments.

That's what I thought. The thesis is clear,

and the argument is well reasoned.

I admit the cheesy puns might have been a mistake.

But in general, it's better than a B-plus.

- Mel. - Sorry?

Mel put you up to this, didn't she?

Mel Fuller needs to learn there's more to life than grades.

What? Well, that may be true,

but Gortimer needs to learn to speak up if something's bothering him.

I need to learn that.

Fair point. You're off to a good start.

Thank you.

How was debate club?

I don't know how anyone

can get anything accomplished

with that much arguing...

Michael.

Did you get your quiz back?

Yeah, 90.

- Have fun in summer school. - That's rude.

A 90 is an awesome grade.

A 90 is basically an F-plus.

[sighs] I am wiped.

Thank you so much for helping out.

You know what's weird?

Even though nobody wins,

frosting cupcakes is actually pretty fun.

Okay. Oh, hey.

If you don't have too much homework,

could you zest that bag of lemons?

You'd be a lifesaver.

Lifesaver.

- So, um, Mom-- - Hmm?

I have something to tell you.

I was supposed to go see a movie with Stanley today.

Oh, yeah? Which one?

Some ridiculous Johnny Black movie.

I thought you loved those. "You didn't say please."

Anyway, that was today.

And I really wanted to go.

Yeah, but you volunteered to help out here.

Maybe I was volunteering

because that's what I thought I was expected to do.

You kept calling me a lifesaver.

And so you kept offering to help

and I kept depending on you and--

And we made a vicious circle. You're right.

I think I was just trying to be a good son.

- You're the best son. - [phone rings]

Union Bakery. Yeah. Yeah, right here.

Here. It's Catherine.

Ranger speaking. Proceed.

Hey, your quiz bowl is starting soon. Any advice?

Quiz bowl! I'll be right there.

Hurry.

Catherine really needs my help.

- You think I could-- - Go.

Even lifesavers need a break.

- I love you, kid. - I love you, too.

Okay, here we go.

- Audrey, the game's Thursday. - I'm trying my best, Coach.

All right, give me another ball. Let's go, let's try it again.

There you go.

- I can't replace you. - Maybe you shouldn't.

What? You can't play. Your ankle--

No, I mean Audrey.

She can hit really hard.

Maybe she could be the spiker person?

- A hitter? - Yeah, sure.

- But Rebecca's the hitter. - Why?

- Because the coach said so? - She's the tallest.

Hitters are the tall ones, setters are the short ones.

I'm short like you.

But trying to be Mel--

me-- obviously isn't working.

- Maybe you should just be you. - I'm a hitter?

Yeah, I've seen you hit. It's terrifying.

Coach, can Audrey and Rebecca switch positions?

I'm willing to try anything at this point. Give me a ball.

Set it up, guys. Let's go.

[laughs]

Well, I think we got our team back.

- [knocking on door] - I'll get it.

Hey, look who it is. Ranger.

That's weird every single time.

- Hey, Dillmans. - Welcome.

So, Ranger, when is your mom

gonna put those apple cider crullers back on the menu?

In about three weeks.

It's just a random guess.

He's right.

She's right.

Just three weeks.

This conversation just got weirdly confusing for no reason.

Dad, can we start the quiz bowl, please?

All right. [laughing]

How's it going?

Wow! That was amazing!

- But Audrey's a hitter? - If the shoe fits.

[chuckles] You're a genius.

- No. - You're too humble.

You don't give yourself enough credit,

which is why I talked to Miss Francis about your essay.

- Wait. You what? - She's going to give it a second look.

Mel, you shouldn't have done that.

I told you. Your essay is really good.

I don't care. Miss Francis is the teacher.

Bugging her about a grade is annoying

and disrespectful.

No, it's not.

It's totally reasonable.

I was just trying to help you.

That's helping.

What you did is meddling.

Well, sometimes you need to stand up for yourself.

Yeah, and I get to decide when.

[exhales]

All right, Catherine, next question's yours.

What is the atomic number of molybdenum?

Um...

4-2...

42 is another way to say it.

- Correct. - Took a while there.

- All right, what's the score, honey? - Ooh, Neck and neck.

- One question remaining. - All right, son.

For all the marbles.

How many voyages did Vasco da Gama make from Europe to India?

Four.

I mean three. I meant three!

Nope! You said four, which is wrong.

W-R-O-N-G. Wrong.

Which means I win and you lose.

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Loser, loser, beach cruiser.

Well, that's a little inappropriate, Ranger.

- We always do this. - Who's we?

This is, like, the second time I've ever met you.

Frankly, I thought your name was Mortimer.

- Gortimer. - Gortimer.

- Whatever. - I meant to say

You and Catherine always do this.

She's my sister. It's normal for us.

It's not normal.

All this weird competition, all this putting each other down,

who would act like that?

Honey, it's just a little sibling rivalry.

- It's not so unusual. - Yeah, it's all in good fun.

Trying to win at everything isn't fun. Not like this.

We're just encouraging your competitive spirit.

I don't see any harm in that.

There's a difference between competitive spirit

and mean spirited.

Do you really think we're mean spirited?

I'm sure Catherine, who is me,

is gonna kill me for saying this,

but when I found out that I only got a 90 on my quiz,

well, I almost cried.

You were really that upset?

Yes, she was.

Oh, honey, we didn't mean to push you this hard.

We thought you enjoyed this.

I thought Catherine did, too,

but maybe she didn't realize what it was really doing to her.

She's so wound up trying to win everything,

she doesn't realize that sometimes you need to stop and frost a cupcake

or parkour across the parking lot.

I mean, I'm just thinking out loud here.

You have a really insightful friend, Catherine.

I say let's call this family quiz bowl

a tie and have some dinner.

We have a guest, after all. Kids, give us a hand.

The question I wanna know is how good my dinner is.

- [laughter] - Hey, Ranger.

Yeah?

Thanks for sticking up for my sister.

You know, she's my only real competition.

And don't tell her I said this,

but she's probably smarter than I am.

So you're a hugger. That's cool.

You can let go now, though.

Hey.

Look, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

You told me not to talk to Miss Francis,

but I did it anyway.

Mel, you were just being you,

which means that you stood up for a friend

when he wouldn't stand up for himself.

- So you're not mad? - No.

- I'm grateful. - Good.

- Wow! Thanks. - [chuckles]

- You're a good me. - I prefer the original.

Oh, hey, guys.

Come over and get your IDs fixed.

- We got the machine up running again. - What? How?

Did you get a software update? Did de-bug mode work?

Tried all that. None of it worked.

Turns out all I had to do was restart the darn thing.

So simple. Who would have thought of that?

I did.

Gortimer: In general,

people don't like to be thought of as outsiders.

But sometimes being an outsider

is exactly what you need

to see the problem within.

With a fresh perspective,

you can let go of old habits

and remember the things

and the people

that matter the most.

♪♪