Original subtitles

Gortimer, narrating: I've lived my whole life on Normal Street.

There's a lake at one end,

and a forest of shady trees at the other.

But what lies in between is anything but normal.

When it comes to matters of the heart,

people always give you the same advice:

Just be yourself.

The truth is, sometimes it can be hard to be yourself

because we're always growing and changing.

And we all have different sides of ourselves.

Sometimes literally.

How about something like a hypnotic coin

or a dancing handkerchief?

Or a magic wand that turns into a flower?

Abracadabra Con only comes once a year.

This is our chance to learn from

the world's coolest magicians.

Those tricks got old 50 years ago.

They're called classics.

They're called clichés.

You're not gonna find anything cutting edge

in the back of a comic book.

Maybe you have a point.

Oh, hey, Abigail.

- Hi. - Hey.

Hey.

What's that face?

Nothing.

Well, obviously, you're hiding something. What is it?

[chuckles] My drawing won second place at the Normal Art Fair.

Wow, congrats. That's amazing.

And there wasn't even a kids' division.

It was second place among everybody.

Nice.

Win anything?

A gift certificate.

Dinner for two at Via Normale.

- Ooh, fancy. - Mm-hmm.

I went there with my mom once.

Tagliatelle with pesto and shrimp.

Um, did you--

What?

Did you maybe want to go?

With you?

Yeah.

Oh, uh--

I mean, you-- you don't have to.

No, no, I--

I want to. I--

Uh, great. Uh, the coupon expires Sunday,

so Saturday night?

They gave you a coupon that expires in less than a week?

It's an art fair.

Third prize was travel size bottles of shampoo.

[chuckles] So Saturday it is, then.

I'll make the reservation for 7:30.

Okay, so it's, uh--

It's a date?

- Uh, dinner. - Okay, yeah, dinner.

Uh, it's just, uh--

A dinner thing.

It's a dinner thing.

Uh, see ya.

[bell rings]

- Gortimer: Hey. - Claire: Hey.

- Hey. - Hi.

- So, uh, Mom. - Mm-hmm.

Just so you know,

I'm gonna be out Saturday night.

Got a little thing happening, so--

Saturday night?

This Saturday night?

Mom, is it so weird that I have plans?

Just give me some credit.

- Oh, you have your-- - Mm-hmm. Yes.

My six month anniversary with Adam.

And I said I'd baby sit.

Yes, we talked about this weeks ago.

Yeah, I know, I know. I'm sorry.

I'll cancel my thing.

Sorry, bud.

Fascinating.

Before looking at all this,

I would have said, sorry, Gortimer,

that Abigail wasn't really interested.

But now, I think she is.

It's irrelevant. I can't even go.

Why do you guys care so much?

So we can deduce how precisely disappointed you should be.

Pretty disappointed.

I disagree.

I don't even think it's a date.

Abigail said it was a dinner.

A dinner thing.

Gortimer's words, not Abigail's.

Therefore, not a date. You're fine.

Stanley: It's Via Normale.

The fanciest restaurant on Normal Street.

It has to be a date.

To invite anyone for any other reason

would be a bald-faced lie.

[scoffs] She won a free dinner.

Exactly. It's like the universe said,

you have to go on a date. Now who do you choose?

And she chose Gortimer.

I reverse my position. It's a date.

Relax, Gortimer.

Let's find a way to make this work.

Mel: [sighs] Okay. So, Gortimer's mom is going to be

out on her date from 7:00 to 10:00,

and Gortimer needs to leave for his date by 7:15,

which means he's gonna need a babysitter

from 7:15 until shortly before 10:00.

Catherine is gonna be at her brother's birthday party all night,

and Stanley is...

afraid of babysitting.

Technically, I'm afraid of babies.

And my parents won't be able to pick me and Ranger up

from Abracadabra Con until 7:30,

which means we won't get there until 8:00.

So that leaves a 45 minute gap.

Just 45 minutes?

It's a tragedy.

Just forget it. I can't even go.

Not unless there's a way to create two of me.

Wait. We can create a whole army of you.

That's ridiculous.

Are you in the position to say no to ridiculous?

Ranger: Send in a photo of yourself,

and receive an army of tiny figurines

that look just like you.

Then add water and watch them grow

into full fighting size.

Results last for exactly one hour.

Some army.

Man: Big battle ahead? Don't fight it alone.

Attack the enemy on every front

with your very own Army of You.

The battle plan is simple.

Add water, watch it grow,

give it orders and conquer the world.

[explosion]

Please do not feed army of you figurines to animals,

keep away from small children,

keep away from large children.

Not intended for actual combat.

Manufacturer is not responsible for resulting wars.

Offer void in Michigan. Tank sold separately.

First lieutenant you reporting for duty.

Awaiting orders, General. One hour remaining.

[stammering] How did it-- Who-- Who are you?

First lieutenant you, sir.

Awaiting orders, General.

You-- you look exactly like--

Wait, does my hair really look like that?

Don't understand the question, sir.

59 minutes, 45 seconds remaining.

I-- I can't believe it actually works.

Awaiting orders, General.

For instruction, manual page one, step three.

Uh, page one, step three.

Give it orders.

Give it orders, give it orders.

Checkmate.

- Good game. - Good game.

So, what are we gonna do about this Abigail situation?

I'm really just trying to not think about it, I--

[screaming]

[screaming]

No, no, calm down,

it's fine, it's fine. It's me.

Oh. That was easily the scariest moment of my entire life.

What just happened?

No, it-- it's fine. It's just the Army of You figurines.

They actually worked?

Yeah, yeah, you just add water,

give 'em orders, and--

Wow. Look at that.

The effects last exactly one hour.

You gave it orders to scare your best friends to death?

No, no. No. I gave it orders

to behave exactly like me,

come here and play chess.

I should have told him to

leave before he evaporated in front of you, though.

Yes, you should have done that.

Sorry. I just needed to test it.

I think I've found a way to fill this 45 minute gap.

What do you think, honey. Necklace or earrings?

I don't know. Both are good.

Why are you so nervous?

I'm not. But you seem like you are.

No, no, no, I'm not nervous. I'm fine.

I have everything completely under control.

Well, 10 seconds ago I would have believed that.

Let's get back to the earrings.

- I vote earrings. - Yay.

Either way, you don't want to be late.

[gasps] Ooh, you're right.

I gotta go.

And, Mom, you look great.

Oh, thanks. Okay.

Call me if there's an emergency.

And please, don't let there be an emergency.

Sounds good. Have fun.

Bye, guys.

- Bye. - Bye.

Love you. [chuckles]

First lieutenant you reporting for duty.

Awaiting orders, General.

One hour remaining.

7:23. Okay, first lieutenant,

I need you to be like me.

But here's the thing, you're babysitting my little brother,

so you need to be really, really responsible.

And you need to protect him no matter what

until Ranger and Mel get here and take over.

Also, don't evaporate in front of anyone.

Great. I'll make a tentative list

of Gardner's bedtime reading material.

While you review, I'll re-read

all the safety manuals in the house.

So these are the safety precautions.

To reduce risk of injury when using your--

Gardner: I already know that.

Oh, you do? Oh.

You told me a thousand times.

Well, I just want to make sure you know

so you're safe because they're the safety precautions.

Oh, a spill tray.

**

Ciao.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Uh--

Thanks.

Well, this is so cute.

Sorry?

You two look so cute together.

Uh--

You need a minute with the menu?

Yes, please.

Okay.

What's wrong?

Are-are you sure this is a good idea?

I mean, we don't have to do this.

I want to. I--

Sorry. Excuse me.

[rapid breathing]

Just calm down.

You need to be cool, self-assured, confident.

You need to be, like, ridiculously confident.

No problem, chief.

Where did-- where did you--

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Hey, hey, hey. Relax, all right?

Orders received. Ridiculously confident.

I got this.

Just talk it out. What's the situation?

I don't know. I'm a mess.

It-- it's Abigail. She's usually so easy to talk to.

But now, everything's so confusing,

and I don't even know what I'm doing yet.

All right, girl problem not a problem.

All right, want me to talk to her or--

No.

Yes. Yeah. Okay, yeah,

just go in there and break the ice for, like, three minutes,

and then give me the sign.

Uh, well, what's the sign, like uh--

[clicks tongue]

No. No, no, no, uh, something else, like--

- Got it. - Yeah.

Then you excuse yourself, I'll swap in,

and you come back here and hide in the stall until...

8:34 or so, until you, you know--

Sounds like a plan.

All right. Dude, we got this.

[sighs]

Sorry. That was embarrassing.

Abigail: You okay?

Yeah, I'm feeling much better, thank you.

Why is your collar like that?

Why, do you like it?

[chuckles] Uh, I can't believe I'm saying this,

but somehow you're pulling it off.

Mm. Well, you're pulling it off.

You know.

Your whole beautiful face.

Oh, uh, thanks?

- [gasps] - I need to talk to you.

You scared me.

Wait, how did you know I'm really me?

Uh, well, one Gortimer appears to be charming his date,

and the other is hiding behind a plant.

I took a guess.

You need to come home.

What's wrong?

The other Gortimer, he locked us out,

and we don't know the password.

There is no password.

That's the problem.

I'm slightly worried about Gardner.

Keep an eye on him and don't let Abigail see you.

Why is he here, anyway?

I needed back up. It's a long story.

Tell me later.

No problem.

What's no problem?

Huh? Nothin'. No.

I just said there's no problem.

- Orange. - Gortimer 2: No.

- Pomeranian. - No.

- Roentgenium. - Correct.

What is password number two?

What's the situation?

[sighs] He locked us out.

Don't you have a key?

I gave it to him.

Open up, it's me!

The real Gortimer.

How do I know?

Who else would I be?

Clown Gortimer, super smart Gortimer,

psycho Gortimer.

I'm not taking any chances.

I have a mission to keep Gardner safe.

Well, he's not gonna be safe

if you run out of time and turn into a puddle while we're locked out.

Good point.

I'll put some towels down so I don't damage the hard wood.

- Oh, no. - You've gotta get back there.

She's not having a good time.

Oh, no.

Just go! We have this under control.

Go, go, go. Go!

- Hello? - Gortimer 3: Yo!

Hey, man.

Wh-- what happened? Where is she?

I don't know about this girl.

She's too sensitive or somethin'.

What does that mean?

Oh, I was just tellin' her how pretty she was,

and if she played her cards right,

she might get a second date.

It's not a date, it's dinner,

and I could barely get through that.

I told you to be confident,

not arrogant.

Yeah, I never really knew the difference.

If I'm awesome, I really don't care who knows it.

Anyway, she got up and left.

We're playin' a little game called cat and mouse.

Meow.

All right, you have about 19 minutes left.

Stay with me. I don't want you

making any more trouble.

At your service, big guy.

So what do you want me to say?

You think she's awesome? You want to be her boyfriend?

What? No, no, I don't want to

worry about that right now.

I just want to apologize for scaring her off.

Great. Just tell her.

I don't know if I can. I'm too nervous and sweaty.

I believe in you.

[tapping]

What are you doing here?

I came to apologize.

You're forgiven.

[sighs] This is weird. Go home.

I will in a second, I just--

I wanted you to know that I was nervous.

Okay. So?

And I know you're concerned, so--

I'm just gonna say it.

Yes, I'm planning to see a doctor

about my sweating condition.

[chuckles] I'm happy to hear that.

Yeah, yeah, and I don't know what got into me.

- You and I are friends. - Right.

Yeah, and let's face it, I'm a pretty handsome guy.

I'm super charming and kind.

Um--

So I totally understand if I made you a little nervous, too.

- What? - What?

Look, all I'm saying is

I think you got a little bit sensitive

back there in the restaurant,

and that's completely understandable.

Just don't go beating yourself up about it.

[scoffs] That's so obnoxious.

What is wrong with you? You know, goodnight.

Are you kidding me?

What? I can't help that you programmed me this way.

Abigail!

[sighs] Gortimer, seriously, I don't have time for this.

[whispering] Neither do we.

Abigail: If you have something to say, just say it.

[whispering] Come on, man, just talk to her.

[whispering] I can't.

Gortimer?

Look, whatever I'm doing is obviously not working.

She likes you.

You're the real deal.

You've got this, Gortimer.

You got this.

Abigail: What are you doing down there?

I'm here!

I'm sorry.

I was nervous.

[sighs] Yeah, you keep saying that.

What's making you so nervous?

Before I met you,

it was just me, Ranger and Mel.

And that was-- that was my life.

And then you came along,

and you're so cool.

Smart.

Weird. And pretty.

I've never met anyone like you,

and lately, it all-- it just--

It seems so different.

And that makes you nervous?

Yes. No. I mean--

It's more--

What am I trying to say?

Gortimer.

It's me.

Okay.

You know when we were gonna...

kiss in drama class?

Yeah.

Well, I wanted that to be real.

I wanted you to want that to be real.

And that-- that's new territory for me.

It's weird. It's scary.

You know, that's what's making me nervous.

Hold on. I'm coming down.

[clears throat]

Gortimer...

I don't know if I'm ready for... this.

[stammers] I mean, I thought maybe I was, but...

[sighs] now I don't know what to think.

I'm sorry.

But just then, when you were talking,

that part at the end when you were just being yourself--

Yeah?

I really liked that.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Well, goodnight.

Night.

Mom?

Oh. Gortimer.

Well, so, you know, the next time that you

suddenly need to help Miss Hudspeth

with mowing her lawn at night

while you're babysitting,

just give us a call and we'll be here.

I think it's time for our disappearing act.

Gardner, close your eyes.

- Claire: Now open them. - Gardner: They're gone.

Ooh, wow.

Okay, go put on your jammies, sweetheart.

Just punish me. I'll do whatever.

What's wrong?

It doesn't matter.

[sighs]

Abigail?

How did you--

A mom knows.

So, how did your night go?

I'm guessing much better than yours.

That's nice.

Why is it all so confusing?

[sighs]

I'm in big trouble, right?

Tomorrow, definitely.

But not tonight.

Gortimer: Just be yourself.

People never stop saying that.

What they don't say is being yourself

doesn't always get you what you want.

In fact, sometimes it gets you the opposite,

but you still have to do it.

That's what I've come to believe, anyway.

And I know some people who agree with me.

- [static] - Gortimer to Ranger and Mel.

This is Ranger. Over.

This is Mel. Over.

[static]

You guys got a minute?

Mel: Yes. Over.

Ranger: Any time. Over.