Original subtitles

(gunshot, shell casing clatters)

>> Okay.

So, there you have it.

Your boss... is dead.

That'll be $500.

>> Okay, great, and, uh,

I'd like to pay with credit.

>> Oh, actually, there's

a credit card minimum of $1,000.

>> Hm, well, I-- I don't have

enough cash, and I definitely

don't wanna kill anyone else,

you know, so--

>> Ah, come on, there's gotta be

something else.

>> Uh...

**

>> He dies at the end.

>> Yeah, yeah, let me call you

right back.

>> Did you tap me?

>> No, no, no!

(screaming)

My arm!

Is it ripped?

(screaming)

Oh, man! Oh!

Oh, who did it?

I can't see who did it!

Who was it?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh!

>> Okay, so that puts us

at a thousand.

>> Okay, great.

>> Just swipe and sign.

>> Sure, no problem.

>> Yeah, there we go.

Beautiful.

All right, well, you have

a good one.

>> Okay, you too, thanks so

much, I really appreciate it.

>> (chuckling)

>> Hey, y'all, to my life

is better than yours.

(laughing)

>> Hey, Rick Ross.

Yo... you wanna smoke?

>> No, playboy.

Only kins I smoke with are

right over there, like my Pops.

**

My sister.

My son.

My cousin, Bob Ross.

>> Happy little trees...

pretty little clouds.

Huh!

>> My aunt...

Betsy Ross.

My godfather...

David Lee Ross.

** (hard rock)

(chuckles)

Now, that's one sexy-ass family

right there.

**

>> What are you talking about,

Jazz?

There's no such thing as

Bigfoot!

(audience laughter)

>> Course there is, Uncle Phil.

I'm looking right at him,

you fat ass.

(laughter)

>> Whoo!

(birds chirping)

>> Oh!

(audience laughter)

(groaning and coughing)

>> Is it bad?

>> Uh, well, it's not good.

>> Mm.

>> All right, Mr.... Jeff.

Look, I just don't know how much

more trauma your body can take.

>> Hm.

>> I mean, over the past 10

years, it looks as though

you've had skull fractures,

a punctured spine,

and major brain damage.

>> (chuckles) Yup.

>> No, not funny.

One more body throw and you

could die.

Why do you insist on aggravating

this Uncle Phil so much?

>> I don't know.

I can't avoid it.

What would you have me do, huh?

Go live in the woods?

**

**

>> Yeah!

>> * It ain't nothing

* But a party going on

* Turn it up, homey

* That's my song

>> Huh?

Hello?

(animal roars)

Jeffrey!

** (beatboxing in distance)

Hello?

Is someone beatboxing?

In the woods?

Oh, my God, someone is

beatboxing in the woods!

(screams)

Sweet Jesus, don't stop

beatboxing.

(panting)

Don't stop beatboxing!

Don't stop beatboxing!

Don't stop. Don't stop.

Oh!

(creature roars)

(growling)

Bigfoot?

(roars)

Bigfoot!

(laughter)

What you doing, Bigfoot?

So strong.

Aah!

>> The last time I saw

Jazzy Jeff, I was throwing him

out my house for calling me

a fat ass... and that was

a couple of days ago.

>> No worries, Uncle Phil.

I'll send out a missing persons

report for Jazzy Jeff, and he'll

be back here in no time.

(glass shattering)

>> Jazz!

>> (coughing)

(gasps)

Uncle Phil.

(gasps)

Is that you?

>> No doubt it's me.

>> He's real...

Bigfoot.

(gasping and coughing)

>> He's gone.

>> Whoo!

**

>> We enjoy a lot of laughs on

the set of "The Fresh Prince

of Bel-Air."

>> Yes, we do, but we want to

take a moment to talk about

a very important issue.

Throwing people's bodies

out of your house is

no laughing matter.

>> Somebody could get hurt,

or worse, die.

>> Right, Bigfoot?

>> Right.

Bigfoot?

(laughter)

>> (roaring)

>> (screaming)

>> I notice you got jeans on.

Me too.

You wanna talk about it?

>> Hey, you wanna get a cup

of coffee with a hunk?

>> Oh, excuse me, how you doing?

My grandmother has that shirt.

>> Hey.

Wanna play kiss the dinosaur?

(screeches)

>> You ready for tomorrow,

Huggie?

>> Come on, man, what you think,

huh?

I been ready for this

for 12 years now.

>> Yeah.

>> That's if the plan's

still in place.

>> Yeah, plan is in place, man.

Paid Tiny a few toilet papers

so he can start a fight

in the yard, right?

CO's gonna be worrying about

breaking that up.

Right ththen, we sneak into the

laundromat, hop on them hampers,

and they gonna load us on them

trucks, and we out!

>> Shh!

(keys jangling)

Hey, bring it down a bit, okay?

You trying to get us caught?

>> Nah, man, ain't trying to get

us caught, man.

What you gonna do when you get

out, man?

>> (scoffs)

>> I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm going to the club...

find some girls.

You all right, man?

(insects chirping)

>> Yo, yo, do--

do you hear that?

What is that, man?

>> Oh, them just cicadas, man.

>> What's a cicada?

>> It's just an insect that pops

up every few years, man.

So, look, laundromat's gonna be

hot, so we gotta hydrate, man--

>> Are they big?

>> What, cicadas?

They're a few inches, dude.

So, look, we gotta make sure

Tiny needs a--

>> How many inches?

>> I can show you, man.

My cousin mails me pictures of

insects every week.

We got mosquitoes, bedbugs,

praying mantises...

cicadas.

There you go, dawg.

So, look, I'm worried about--

>> Aw, this bigger than a few

inches.

>> Huh?

>> Are they gonna be gone by

tomorrow?

>> What, the cicad-- no, man.

They'll be here for a few more

weeks, dude.

>> What do they want?

>> Huggie, all they want is

crops, man.

>> Okay, I want you

to answer me this since you

have so much knowledge

on cicadas.

>> Yeah.

>> How many does it take

to pick me up and fly me

to their nest?

Do they drink blood,

and how big are they teeth?

>> Uh... Huggie?

If I didn't know any better,

I'd say you were afraid

of cicadas.

>> Yes! Yes!

I'm afraid of cicadas, okay?

These are monsters!

These aren't insects.

These are monsters!

>> Calm down, man.

Just calm down.

>> Shut up in there, all right?

Shut up!

You scaring the other prisoners!

>> I'm so scared.

>> What are y'all yapping about?

>> Nothing, you can just go back

to eating your pudding snack.

>> I can't take it no more, man.

I gotta do this, man.

Them demons is out there

waiting to eat me alive.

>> Don't do it!

>> C.O., C.O., C.O.--

This guy has some kind

of bug army, and he's about

to take over the world.

I'm not gonna let them

ugly bugs eat me!

>> Aah! Stop!

>> I wasn't doing--

Why you do that, Huggie?

We had a plan!

>> I don't wanna die!

I don't wanna die!

You should have never said

nothing about no cicadas,

brother!

I'm staying in here forever!

>> (chuckles) Yeah.

I got it.

Kanye West gonna eat

a black-bean burrito for lunch.

**

Ooh.

Kanye West is gonna create

a new font.

Kanye West is going to Epcot

tomorrow.

Kanye West is gonna learn

all about birds.

Kanye West is gonna find out

where Carmen Sandiego went.

Probably San Diego.

Kanye West is gonna create

a new jelly.

Kanye West is getting his

pilot's license tomorrow.

Kanye West is gonna remake

the movie "Wolf of Wall Street"

with actual wolves.

Kanye wants the bike from "E.T."

>> Oh, we don't have that--

>> I'll take it.

Box it up.

>> So, do you guys actually

live here?

>> Yup, just moved in.

>> Yeah.

>> Ah.

>> Hey, yo, is that

Steve Harvey's flattop?

>> I think it is.

>> Hey, bros.

Nice to see you again.

>> Love the skateboard, man.

>> Oh, why, thank you.

It's a help since Steve

abandoned me and left me

legless.

>> We'll be happy to take you

places if you want to.

>> You want to take me for

a spin?

>> Yeah, I'd love to.

>> Yeah, me too.

>> I choose Kenny.

He's my favorite.

>> Makes sense.

>> That's gonna change our

relationship, flattop.

**

>> I am Steve Harvey!

>> Kenny?

>> My name's not Kenny!

It's Steve Harvey, bitch!

>> Aah!

>> Steve!

>> Welcome back to the

"Steve Harvey Morning Show."

I'm Steve Harvey, and I'm

sitting here with the

"Friends of the People" cast.

Friends of the people,

what's happening?

>> My brother Kenny's possessed

by your flattop.

>> Yeah, we're worried,

you know, we--

we just want him back.

He hasn't contacted us at all.

>> So, we thought we'd come to

you, Steve Harvey, in hopes

you could help us.

>> Yeah, you know, maybe you

could tell us how the flattop

thinks.

>> Or, you know, we could

let Kenny know.

Kenny, we love you, man.

We're here. Just come back.

>> I'm back!

And this man is an impostor.

I'm the real Steve Harvey

'cause I'm wearing the flattop,

and the flattop is

Steve Harvey, so, you know.

Someone should arrest this dude.

>> Shut the hell up, flattop.

What you doing coming up

on my show like this?

Now, look, ever since I went

bald, I done won two daytime

Emmys-- count 'em,

two daytime Emmys.

I ain't never won a

not-near-nothing with you,

you understand?

>> NAACP Image Award,

Entertainer of the Year,

buddy.

>> Do you understand?

I am a megastar!

I got 5, 7, 8, 10, 11 jobs!

>> This flattop is everything

for you, man.

It made your career.

You're nothing without

the flattop.

>> Somebody give me my clippers!

Give me my clippers!

>> Okay, wait, wait, okay?

Look--

>> Ooh, I'm about to bust

through this suit.

>> Now, hey! Everybody chill!

Okay? This ain't right!

I'm from Chicago, and when

somebody's trying to steal

somebody's show, you settle it

one way.

>> (all) Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Oh!

>> That was good.

>> Whoo!

>> Well, I guess I lost square

and fair.

Kenny, can you run me home?

>> See you guys in Brooklyn.

>> Bye, flattop!

>> Be good!

>> Bye, flattop.

>> See you next time on

"The Steve Harvey Show."

(laughs)

Clap it up. Clap it up.

(laughs)

>> I gotta warn you.

I'm pretty strong.

I'm gonna try not to hurt you.

Here we go.

One, two, three.

**

(grunting)

Mnh-mnh. Mnh-mnh.

Oh!

>> What happened?

>> Why don't you go, man?

Get on your bike

and get out of here.

>> Sorry, man.

>> No, go, please.

(laughter)

>> This is our main man,

Nerlens Noel.

6'11", 225 pounds

of hell on Earth.

He can shoot, he can pass,

and he loves to eat basketballs.

>> No-- No-- No doubt.

>> About the only thing he can't

do is stop himself from

kicking your ass.

>> And you know what helps

my man Nerlens do work?

>> It's got to be the--

>> Dude... you're supposed to

dunk after-- You know

how dangerous this is?

>> We're on top of ladders, man.

>> This is very, very dangerous.

>> It's a very tenuous

situation.

>> No-- No-- No doubt.

And you know what?

Our boy Nerlens won't even

step foot on the court...

>> Unless his feet are

in a pair of these.

>> Come on, you're showing off.

We're shooting a commercial.

(overlapping speech)

>> Man, this dude needs to

relax, man.

>> Somebody take-- play center.

>> Nerlens only wears

the lightest sneakers.

>> I played him right.

I played him right.

>> I got him.

>> That's illegal in the NBA.

>> I can't play D

and sell shoes.

>> We gotta do both.

>> That's Griffin, baby.

Look at that.

Now you're showing off, man.

>> Shoot! Shoot!

(laughter)

>> This ain't the All-Star game.

I got a little scared

on that one.

>> Hey, Nerlens! Nerlens!

>> Enough!

>> Walter, congrats on booking

the role.

>> Oh, wow, thanks, fellas.

I'm really excited to be doing

this, man.

Now real quick question, though.

Uh, they never told me which

Ranger I am, so--

>> Oh, you're the black

Power Ranger.

>> I'm the black Power Ranger.

>> Black Power Ranger.

>> (laughs)

>> Congrats again, see you on--

>> Thank you.

Black Power Ranger.

(chuckles)

Yeah, that's what

I'm talking about.

>> Okay, so when the camera gets

in front of you, you do your

Power Ranger stance and freeze.

All right?

Roll sound.

Okay, and... action.

**

>> Black Power!

>> Cut!

Walter, what--

what are you doing?

>> I'm the black Power Ranger,

baby, black power.

(laughs)

>> I think you misunderstood.

You're a black Power Ranger,

not a, not a "black power"

ranger.

It's not, it's not black power.

You're a Power Ranger whose,

whose, costume is black.

>> Black Power Ranger.

Right, I got it.

>> Let's roll on this, then.

**

>> Hi-ya!

Got your ass, white devil.

>> Ow! Stop!

Ow! Walter, stop it. Ow!

>> Cut.

>> Ow, that really hurts!

>> Walter, Walter, what in the

hell was that?

>> Why did you do that, man?

>> Look, man, this honky white

Power Ranger had to be put in

his place, and who best to do it

but the black Ranger, brother?

>> Know what?

I'm done with this. I'm done.

>> You believe this guy?

>> Walter, Walter, you're all

Power Rangers.

The color just demarcates which

Ranger you are.

>> You guys are sellouts, man.

>> Take the blue Ranger,

for example.

The blue is a descriptor,

all right?

It doesn't mean he has

blue power.

>> Man, why are y'all telling

me this?

>> Walter, you're fired.

Meet your replacement,

Johnny Yong Bosch.

>> You're replacing brothers

with dudes who know real karate?

That's bullcrap.

(crack)

Aah! Aah!

Oh, man. Mercy!

Um, Uncle?

>> You think that you would--

you would win?

>> I would crush you, Josh.

I'm so much stronger than you.

I've been destroying you at

everything since we've been

doing the show.

>> One, two, three, go.

>> (grunts)

(grunts)

Bitch!

>> That was-- That was a bu--

That was a bummer.

I thought-- I really went into

that believing I would win.

**

**

>> Man, I can't believe no one

showed up today.

This is embarrassing,

Steve Harvey's flattop.

>> I'm sorry, Nerlens.

>> Whatever, man.

I'm still gonna represent.

>> This is sadder than when

Steve Harvey shaved me off.

I mean, I sent an e-mail

inviting everybody:

Dolph Lundgren, Knicks great

Patrick Ewing, my main man

Bart Simpson, even Arsenio Hall.

No one showed up.

Nerlens, you want to be

best friends?

>> No, thanks.

**

>> Happy birthday, Jen!

>> Ohh...

You guys are the best friends

a girl could ask for, really.

>> Oh... thank you.

Don't get too excited 'cause we

got a surprise for you.

Yeah! (chuckles)

(doorbell rings)

>> Ohh...

>> (laughs)

>> (shrieking)

>> What's up, lady cakes?

Who's ready for some Mantasy?

>> (cheering)

>> I can't hear you.

Birthday girl, you ready for

some Mantasy?

>> (cheering)

>> (laughs)

What's up, ladies?

I heard this party was on fire,

so I brought my 8" fire hose.

>> Ooh...

>> Look at my fire hat.

Safety first.

>> (cheering)

>> Yeah, take it off.

Take it-- Take it all off.

Oh, yeah!

>> Yes! Yes! Yes!

>> You got to spread it.

You got to spread it.

>> Yeah! Yeah!

>> Oh, a fire! A fire!

>> What? Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

>> Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Mantasy can save us with his

firefighter training.

>> Oh, no.

No, no, no.

That was the costume, y'all.

>> Mantasy! Mantasy!

>> Oh, y'all are so charming.

I'm gonna go save y'all.

>> (cheering)

>> Wow!

>> Yes, Mantasy!

>> That fire was no match for

Mantasy, y'all.

>> Whoo!

>> Oh, no, Mantasy,

you're on fire!

>> Oh, I know. I'm very sexy.

>> Unh-unh! No, you got

real live fire on your body!

>> Aah!

>> Aah!

(siren blaring)

>> I just didn't know baby oil

was so flammable.

>> Yeah.

>> Hey, don't be hard on

yourself.

Because I already am.

**

>> Always have a backup!

**

>> One, two, three, go.

(chuckling) It's a dead tie.

(grunting)

>> (chuckles) This is so legit,

man.

It's not fake.

I can see your vein coming out

your arm, man.

I know you're serious, bro.

>> You're making me laugh.

>> Oh, wait a minute.

Josh cheated.

>> Aah!

>> You lifted your elbow.

Yes, you did.

You lifted -- Your elbow lifted.

You can't do that.

>> It's 'cause it's higher.

I got pulled up.

>> Thank you.

>> That's not fair.

>> He clearly was trying.

He wasn't faking it.

>> Where did you-- Where did

you guys go? Come on...