Original subtitles

>> Evening.

I'm Mr. Houghton.

I'll be your driving teacher.

>> Uh, excuse me,

uh, what happened to

Mrs. Pendleton?

>> Evening, I'm Mr. Houghton.

I'll be your driving teacher.

Can I get a clap?

That's better.

Now, 90% of you in this class

will die in a car crash,

but for those 10%...

let's get started.

You, volunteer for Mr. Houghton.

>> Okay.

>> Get in the simulator, please.

>> Sure.

>> Thank you, Gary.

>> My name is Paul--

>> Sit down, Gary.

Context: your mother is sick

with diarrhea and you must drive

her to the hospital before

it's too late.

>> Okay.

>> Start the car.

>> Sure.

>> Well, damn, Gary,

check the mirrors.

Safety first. (chuckling)

All right, cool.

Let's pull off.

Well, your neighbors are waving,

Gary, you're not gonna

wave back?

Be a good neighbor, Gary.

>> Sorry.

>> Damn it, Gary!

While you were waving,

you hit a squirrel, chipmunk

and a family of ducks.

>> What ducks?

>> Now, go down the hill.

Good.

Okay, now, Gary, slow down.

(chuckling) You're going down

the hill, Gary.

>> Okay.

>> Let go of the gas.

>> Sure.

>> Come on, Gary, let go

of the gas, Gary.

>> Uh, no gas pedal,

just the simulator--

>> Gary, think of your mother,

Gary, it's way too fast.

>> (stammers) I-- I'm not

on the pedal.

>> I'm getting scared, Gary.

Please let go of the gas.

Please, Gary, come on.

Think of your mother, Gary.

>> There's no--

>> Just slow down!

Gary, please!

Let go of the gas, Gary!

>> Okay!

(tires screeching)

>> (whimpering, sobs)

You got blood on your hands

now, Gary.

>> But, how did-- I don't--

>> All you had to do was slow

down, Gary, not try to kill me.

>> I didn't try to kill you.

They're just chairs.

>> (imitating ambulance siren)

>> Finally, some real help.

Why, Gary, huh?

Why'd you scorn me?

Was it jealousy?

Was it my family, Gary?

Are you jealous of my family,

Gary?

>> What? No.

>> You making love to my wife,

Gary, hmm?

Avina Houghton?

You leave her alone, Gary!

>> I don't even know your wife,

Mr. Houghton.

>> You broke my neck, Gary.

You have failed.

But most importantly, because

of your heedless driving,

your mother has defecated

in her pants.

See you tomorrow.

You're a criminal, Gary.

**

>> Hi.

Just so you know, you can try

out anything you like.

>> Really?

>> Yeah.

>> Man, can you believe we're

high school seniors

and still virgins?

>> It's so embarrassing.

>> Yeah, at least you guys

are 17, you know.

I'm turning 18 tomorrow,

and if I don't lose my virginity

tonight, I will be the biggest

loser ever.

And I'll be boiled alive

as a virgin sacrifice

to the sun god Tonatehu.

>> (chanting) Tonatehu,

Tonatehu...

>> (screaming)

>> Man, I don't want to end up

like Itzel, he's a huge loser,

you know?

>> Was a huge loser.

>> Oh, yeah!

Burn!

>> 'Cause he died.

>> Literally burned, like,

he just boiled in that.

>> That's not funny.

>> Oh, man, look, all right,

listen: tonight my parents are

leaving the village, all right?

We'll throw you an epic party

and get you laid.

>> Yes!

Come on, say yes.

>> Yes!

Yes!

No girls like me, none.

I'm gonna spend eternity as one

of Tonatehu's sun slaves.

>> Why don't you relax?

Take it down a notch, okay?

Why don't you talk to Ichtaka?

Talk to her.

>> I can't, Ichtaka is too cool.

>> You just gotta have

confidence, man.

What if we just scrape all

your body hair off

with an animal tooth?

Just...

>> This is all too scary.

>> Dude, what's scarier,

just talking to a girl

or getting your whole body

boiled in front of the entire

capital of Tenochtitlan?

>> You're right, you're right.

Here goes nothing.

>> All right?

>> Okay.

>> Stop looking at us

and go over there.

It's not gonna work.

>> He's terrible.

He's shaking her hand.

What-- What is this, like,

a-- some business deal?

>> Her hand is still on his

hand, though.

I don't know if it's gonna--

it is working.

She looks interested.

>> He's going for it.

>> Oh!

The handshake, that's the move!

Oh, hey, Molly.

>> How did it go?

>> Pretty awesome.

>> Yeah, so did you do it?

>> Well... sort of, you know?

Sort of-- what we did, um,

we did second base, which...

Do you know if that counts?

>> Yeah, it should count.

>> Yeah, yeah, dude.

That totally counts.

>> Okay, good, 'cause I feel

like it should count.

>> I'm certain it counts.

>> It's gonna count, baby.

>> It doesn't count.

>> My bad.

>> We didn't have sex, okay?

But what we did was sexy,

you know?

>> (chanting) Tonatehu...

>> Oh, boy.

(screaming)

Whoa, I am boiling!

I'm holding my own heart

as it melts!

>> (sighs)

You know, I never really liked

that guy.

>> Dude, me either.

>> Everybody should be driving

something.

Walking around is dangerous

in the city.

You, you slow down.

Slow down!

Sir, what prompted the decision

to get a scooter and not a car?

The middle finger is the answer.

>> Hot coffee-- ooh, aah!

Hot coffee, hot coffee.

Hot-- Hot coffee, hot coffee--

Aah! Aah!

Ooh! Aah!

>> Look here, guys.

We're dealing with the most

organized, sophisticated, and

elusive gang of dope dealers

the city has ever seen before.

And it hurts me to say this

because I knew their fathers.

But they must be stopped.

But the problem is nobody can

actually catch 'em.

>> Well, that's 'cause they

never messed with anybody in

Precinct 35 before.

I mean, we're the most decorated

cops there are out there.

>> You're right, that's why I

handpicked all y'all.

So let's take this team down,

y'all ready?

Let's do this.

**

>> Who are those guys?

>> Allegedly those are the sons

of the Harlem Globetrotters.

The Harlem Blowtrotters.

(grunts)

(sighs)

Look, although we didn't get

them this last time, okay,

the Harlem Blowtrotters

will be going down in the next

few weeks.

>> Well, how, boss?

What, we got new police

technology?

>> Nope, can't afford that.

But what we can afford is

Detroit Pistons legend,

Bad Boys superstar...

my main man, Mr. John Salley.

John Salley.

(applause)

>> Obviously we're gonna teach

you all how to play the game,

since you're being played by

these Blowtrotters,

so we're gonna act like

this is a basketball game.

This is the triangle defense.

I know you've heard of the

triangle offense.

When you see the dope dealer

with the dope, don't go

for the fakes.

Follow the dope.

Follow the crack.

Follow the cocaine.

Who's the star of the

Blowtrotters anyway?

>> I think it's Crack Reilly.

>> No, no, no, it's Yellow Rock

Mellon.

>> We're talking about

basketball, not soccer.

>> Are you the one on drugs?

>> All right, all right,

all right, all right.

Obviously these cops suck,

but this is the deal.

I want you to focus

on the cocaine.

Are we ready to go?

>> Yeah!

>> Go get 'em!

>> Let's do this, y'all,

come on!

>> (screaming)

>> Wait a minute.

We cops, okay?

We've got guns; why don't we

just shoot 'em, huh?

Let's just shoot 'em.

>> (laughing)

We got your guns.

>> I'm Keith, and this is Kenny.

>> And welcome back to

"Squabblin' & Quarrelin'."

Tonight's actually the 45th

anniversary of our show.

>> And we want to thank you all

for watching 45 years

of cutthroat debate.

>> So tonight, please enjoy

our most legendary squabbles

and quarrels.

>> Neil Armstrong and

Buzz Aldrin have landed

on the moon.

Question: Buzz...

You think it's a nickname

or a real name?

>> I hope it's a real name,

but I fear it's a nickname.

>> Man, I'd be real sad

if disco catches on.

>> I actually like it.

>> I like it, too.

>> Sad news today, guys.

Richard Nixon resigned.

He's probably gonna be the best

president ever.

>> Indeed, man.

A classic tale of hubris.

>> I've got a serious problem.

>> What's up?

>> I got a fly in my bedroom.

I can't get rid of it.

>> Yeah, I've had this problem

before.

See, what you gotta do

is you gotta wait still

and then pounce.

That was extremely good.

>> Yo, what are those things

Pac-Man eats, cookies?

>> It's either that or chips.

>> Could be space crackers.

>> Yes.

>> Y2K is gonna destroy us.

>> I'm ready to die.

>> Give it up to Steve Harvey's

flattop, everybody.

>> Thanks for having me.

>> How do you urinate?

>> Oh, it's a process.

You first got to get on the head

of a person and then beg them

to let them pee out them.

>> What's your favorite bug?

>> Walking stick.

>> Frankfurter sounds way more

appetizing than hot dogs.

>> I already knew that, man.

>> All right, that's the show.

>> (both) Bye.

>> Have a good weekend...

or weekday.

>> Hey, um, how much

for this TV?

>> Uh, this one is, uh... 1,300.

>> Okay.

And just to be clear, uh,

what's your return policy?

>> It's 30 days full refund.

>> Okay, even if it's opened?

>> Yeah.

>> Perfect. I'll take it.

>> Okay, great.

>> Just hold on to this for me.

>> Okay.

(cardboard cutting)

>> Hey, um, can I return this,

please?

>> Okay...

>> Cool, good?

>> Yeah.

>> Money. Thank you.

**

>> Say, Jack.

>> Hey, what's up, brother?

>> Oh, I'm chilling, man.

So, look, man, I saw this jive

turkey here the other day,

right?

He called me up, and I'm like,

"Look here, man, I ain't got

time for your mess.

You give my my bread, sucker."

You know what I mean?

>> Well, I'll put it like this.

You knew who you were, who he

was, when you lent him the

money.

Toss that up, you understand.

It's a learning experience.

You keep stepping with that,

'cause all that's gonna do is

get some drama, somebody get

hurt, somebody go to jail.

Catch you on the B-side.

>> All right.

>> Hey, man, what you wanna do

while we wait for this pizza?

>> I was thinking we'll go to an

alternate universe where

MC Hammer is king.

>> That sounds dope.

How we gonna get there?

Time machine?

>> Nah.

Hammer Time Machine.

It's time to travel to a time

where Hammer is.

>> You could just say, "It's

Hammer time."

>> You're right.

**

Holy crap, dude!

>> Man, Hammer World is dope,

man.

>> This is sick!

Ah, look at that.

See, he's doing his taxes happy.

This is great, man.

That's a little strange,

actually.

>> Man, why aren't you brothers

dancing?

You gotta dance, man.

Hammer commands it!

>> That seems a bit impractical,

don't you think?

>> Oh, it is.

But you got to dance before it's

too late.

Oh... it's too late.

>> Oh, it's more dancers.

>> Yeah, why aren't you two

dancing, you twin bastards?

>> There's a lot of reasons.

We don't like dancing in front

of people.

You guys look foolish. Ah.

>> We just kind of like to

chill, man, you know?

>> Come with us!

>> Well, well, well,

heh heh heh.

If it ain't those pesky twins

from Sector Seven.

You know who I am?

I, MC Hammer, decreed everybody

must dance till I say stop!

And I ain't never gonna say

stop!

So you gonna dance or what?

>> No.

>> No, probably--

>> (growls) You're close.

Well, I sentence both you two

to die!

Get 'em, gods!

Hammer gods, get 'em!

Get 'em, Hammer gods!

Come on, everybody, dance, man.

Get 'em! Stop playin'!

Don't do the Running Man, just

actually run and get 'em, man.

>> Everybody's just dance--

they're just dancing in place.

>> Yeah, that's cool, man.

>> I'll do it myself.

Here we go. Ohh!

>> (both) Peace, Hammer.

>> "2 Legit 2 Quit" was dope.

>> Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.

Stop! Mm! Gotta go back.

Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh,

uh-oh... uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh...

>> Take it easy, man!

>> Typewriter was a bad choice.

It's a gift and a curse.

(electronic tone playing)

**

(crunching)

>> Hey, officer.

Give me five.

(sighs)

Thank you.

>> * Hey, hey, hey, hey

>> ... I-N-E.

Serrefine?

>> That is correct.

>> Things are really heating up

at the McFall County Spelling

Bee.

And I should know, 'cause I'm

former weatherman and your host

for the evening, Evan Michaels.

Now, let's welcome our next

contestant...

Oh, my God.

Ladies and gentlemen, the

saddest little boy in the world,

Bobby Gubbs.

>> Hello, Mr. Michaels.

>> Hello, Bobby Gubbs.

>> I haven't seen you since my

parents died in that tornado you

forgot to predict.

>> Never forget it... ever.

Okay, Bobby, your word today

is... "conflagration."

Could we actually get him a

different word?

>> Conflagration.

Can I please have the

definition, please?

>> Sure, um...

Conflagration means...

a disastrous fire.

>> Oh, like the one that burned

down my orphanage!

There was so many screams and

only one exit.

C-O-N-F-L-A-G-R-A-T-I-O-N.

Conflagration.

>> Good job, Bobby.

That is correct.

>> Thank you!

(applause)

>> Thank you, Bobby.

Now, folks, let's welcome to the

stage Ines Pascal.

Your word is "catastrophe."

>> Uh, could you use that in a

sentence, please?

>> I can help you with that.

Catastrophe.

Catastrophe is a great event

that causes horrible suffering,

like the time that my school bus

just plunged into the river.

Aah! People were yelling.

I was the only one near the

emergency exit.

>> Bobby, I'm gonna have to ask

you to sit down, or otherwise,

you'll be disqualified from the

competition, okay?

>> All right.

>> Okay, Bobby.

>> Huh?

>> Please... sit down now.

(whispering) Sit. Sit down.

Sit on down, Bobby!

Sorry, folks.

Ines, catastrophe, please.

>> Catastrophe.

C-A-T-A...

... S-T-R-O-P-H-E.

>> (both) Catastrophe.

>> That is correct.

Congratulations, Ines.

>> ... N-G-E.

Carnage.

I learned about that at the Boy

Scouts jamboree.

... A-M-I, tsunami.

The government says I'm a magnet

for them.

... G-I-O-N.

(sneezes)

Contagion.

(bell dinging)

I don't-- I don't know what that

one means.

>> If you spell this word,

Bobby, you'll be our next

spelling bee champion.

Predictably, your word is

"somber."

>> Somber.

S-O-M-B-E--

(buzzer)

Aah!

>> Ohh, Bobby, I am so sorry.

We were actually looking for the

alternative international

spelling, S-O-M-B-R-E.

So sorry.

>> It's okay.

Losin's not so bad.

It's not like the time that

little roaches crawled into my

ears to make small homes for

themselves.

Or the time I got caught in a

refrigerator in the middle of

the dump.

People think it'd be cold, but

it was actually very hot.

>> Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.

Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.

Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh,

uh-oh...

**

>> Hey.

You guys wanna hang out?

Hi.

Hey...

Hey!

Hi!

**

>> (announcer) Julia Jeffers

wanted her boyfriend to change.

>> Refreshing.

>> Can you not flirt with women

right in front of me?

>> Oh, come on with all that

again, okay, just chill out.

>> (announcer) But when karma

rings...

(phone vibrating)

**

(electricity sizzling)

>> Aaaah!

>> (announcer) ... she finds

herself totally bowled over.

>> Aaaaah!

>> (announcer) Now Julia has to

decide if he's still her number

one...

>> You can do so much better.

>> You guys don't know Terry

like I do.

I'm not leaving him just because

he's a toilet.

>> (announcer) ... or just a

piece of (bleep).

>> Baby, I just think monogamy,

it's unnatural.

>> He's a cheater and a toilet

man.

>> I believe in us, Terry.

And you just want to flush it

all way.

>> Starring Jen Bartels.

>> The fact that he's a toilet

is not even in the top five

reasons why he's undatable.

>> (announcer) And introducing

Milton "Lil Rel" Howery as the

Toilet Bowl.

>> Oh... oh, no, baby.

Uh, she just a friend.

No, I'm serious. Julia...

J-Julia! Julia!

(tires screeching)

(crash)

You've really done it this time,

Terry.

Julia, if you can hear me,

(choking up) I love you.

Lord... just give me a chance

number two.

>> (announcer) It's deuces wild

when it comes to love.

>> Oh, baby, you up?

**

I'm just a toilet...

standing in front of a girl...

asking her to love him.

>> You've come a long way.

>> We've come a long way.

>> Ohh, baby, give me a kiss.

>> (laughing)

>> Eww.

>> Mmm! (chuckling)

>> Please don't do that anymore.

>> (announcer) "Ur in" this

Christmas.

>> How do you think they have

sex?

>> Mmm.

>> So Josh really wants to be in

this Hammer Time sketch.

Um, thing is, the sketch

involves a lot of dancing,

and Josh sucks at dancing.

We told him that if he

auditioned and did a decent job,

we would put him into the

sketch.

But we lied to him, we never

were gonna put him in the

sketch, 'cause he would ruin it.

>> Running Man, let me see

Running Man-- lift those heels.

(laughter)

>> One of the saddest things

I've ever seen.

>> That was reasonable!

>> You are a stereotype of a

white person.

(laughter)

>> I believe in you, Josh.

>> Oh, my God, oh, my God.

(laughter)

>> He's laughing over there.

I can be in the background.

>> You can't fit into that

world, man.

You don't belong there.