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** (tense music)
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** (suspenseful music)
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>> Hey, y'all, hey--
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hey, yo, what's up?
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Y'all like hip-hop, man?
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Young Maurice The God, man.
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Buy my album, man.
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It's a mission without a genre.
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It's trap music, bluegrass.
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Support a artist, baby.
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**
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**
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>> (whispering) I'm not wearing
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any underwear.
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>> Then how do you block
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the dookies?
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They just fall out?
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**
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>> Okay, this "Free Whaley"
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script is near perfect.
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>> I tear up every time
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I read it, I really do.
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>> Thank you-- you know,
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I grew up loving whales,
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and I just hope this film
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inspires people.
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>> Now, we do have some, uh--
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some minor notes, but--
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but I say let's get production
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underway.
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>> That's fantastic.
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>> Okay, great.
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Well, first things first,
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uh, in order to make a movie
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about freeing a whale,
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we have to steal a whale
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from its family and keep it
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as a whale actor/slave.
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Betty, can you call the whale
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slaver?
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>> Hello? Whale slaver.
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Yeah, I just wanna order one
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whale slave.
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>> You got it, one whale.
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(whales bellowing)
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Say your prayers,
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you greasy whale!
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(laughs)
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I hate whales.
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>> Hey, pal, great rewrites.
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I mean, really, just awesome.
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You know, just one little
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hiccup, though.
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Uh, the whale slave died.
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>> What?
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>> Apparently, sink water
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doesn't cut it.
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>> Yeah, and pizza has
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no whale nutrients.
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>> Fed him pizza?
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Man, that's horrible.
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>> No, it's fine, the studio
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thinks this movie
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is so inspiring
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and heartwarming that they're
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willing to pay for extra
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abducting and enslaving.
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>> Hi, whale slaver.
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Yeah, could you go ahead
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and kidnap another whale
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from its whale mother
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so we can act like
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we're freeing it in a movie?
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>> You got it.
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(whale bellows)
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Whale!
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(whales bellowing)
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I'd like to ug your blowhole
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with cement after I've had
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my way with ya!
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Har! Yarr!
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>> Now, we are in great shape.
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>> We are.
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(whale crying)
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Jesus Christ.
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Can you give me the stapler?
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>> Yeah.
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>> Shut up!
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Jesus Christ, these whale
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slaves wine a (bleep)-load.
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>> Now-- now, we love how
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Whaley, in the script, has a sad
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dorsal fin, but the fin
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on our whale slave is very
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strong and mighty, so we're--
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we're thinking of melting it.
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>> That's enough, all right?
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I wrote this film to help
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whales, not hurt them.
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>> Hey, let's take it down
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a notch, it's okay.
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>> It's gonna be okay.
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>> I'm not gonna relax.
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You know what I'm gonna do?
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I'm gonna free "Free Whaley."
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(whale crying)
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Whaley... I'm gonna free you.
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Just don't forget me, okay?
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I won't forget you.
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(screams)
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Help! Somebody!
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>> Nothing stops this movie.
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>> Stop!
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>> (announcer) It's official.
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Everyone loves the movie
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"Free Whaley."
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>> Whaley is my favorite
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whale slave!
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>> I wanna be a whale slaver
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so I can harpoon whale flesh.
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>> My dad has a pool, and we're
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gonna try to fit a whale in it.
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>> Yeah, it's a pretty big pool.
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>> Support an upcoming artist?
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Just trying to feed my hamsters.
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>> Please don't stare, okay.
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I'm just-- I'm just a guy.
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My eyes are up here, okay?
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>> Anybody have a bathtub?
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Like, a-- like, a big bathtub?
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>> Anybody wanna buy a plastic
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jewel case?
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Plastic jewel cases,
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plastic jewel cases,
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plastic jewel cases.
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>> I'm not sure how much longer
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he's gonna last.
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>> Does anyone want a free--
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I'm doing free tickling.
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Do you want a free tickle?
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>> That's cool.
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>> The bike?
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>> Sure, is that what
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they call it?
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>> What do you mean?
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>> What do you do?
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You just, uh-- you get it
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on its foot, or...
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>> No, no, no, no, no, no.
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Okay, all right,
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no, no, no, no, no.
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You put this leg over the seat
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and on this pedal.
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>> Okay.
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>> Yeah, there you go, there you
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go, keep going, keep going.
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>> And then, the other leg?
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>> Yeah, then you gotta...
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Put your leg over.
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>> Put it there?
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>> Yeah, yeah, there you go.
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Yeah, and one foot there.
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>> And then, you just--
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and then-- okay.
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>> Okay, so now, you're gonna
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start pedaling.
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(laughs)
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Come on, go, go, go.
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Start pedaling.
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>> (screams)
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>> So, look, the trick is to put
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your fingers on the laces,
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all right?
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But, when you throw,
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just follow through.
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Good job, man.
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>> Oh, wow, that's so easy.
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You're such a great big brother.
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>> Ah, get outta here, Ches.
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You know what?
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After you finish your homework,
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we can go outside and toss it
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around a few times, all right?
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>> Sounds like a plan.
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>> All right, cool.
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You know, with my help,
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you might be the next Tom Brady.
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>> I wanna be like Eli Manning.
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>> Ah, get outta here, man.
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>> Chester, guess who's got
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peanut brittle.
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It's gonna be a wild...
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night.
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Chester, who--
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who's this?
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>> Thomas, this is, uh--
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this is my big brother.
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>> Well, Chester, what are you--
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what are you talking about?
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I'm your big brother.
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>> I-- I know.
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>> I'll take it from here,
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little Chester.
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Thomas, dude, listen.
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Your little brother just joined
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the Big Brother program.
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>> Big Brother program?
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I-- I'm his big brother.
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We-- we have the same parents.
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>> Yeah, I know.
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The thing is...
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you're a (bleep) dork, dude.
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>> What?
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>> I mean, help me out, Chester.
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Am I wrong?
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>> I just started to think about
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it, and I really just didn't
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want you influencing me.
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>> I-- I'm a great influence.
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>> Dude, you're wearing a yellow
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shirt with a dragon on it.
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>> Well, I'm-- I'm good at math.
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>> Okay.
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>> Chester, how many times
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have I helped you with
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your math homework?
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>> Thomas, I didn't understand
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any of it because it was coming
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out of your dork lips.
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>> Okay, well, maybe I can hang
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out with the two of you.
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You know, pick some things up?
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>> You know what?
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That-- you're-- you're right.
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Yeah, that could happen, yes.
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>> Really?
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>> No.
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>> Okay.
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>> Thomas, the Big Brother
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program, it's all about love,
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you know?
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Love above all.
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Now, do you love
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your little brother, Chester?
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>> Yeah, of-- of course I do.
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>> Then you have to take
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your dork (bleep)
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and get the (bleep) outta here.
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>> All right.
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>> Wait... Thomas.
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>> Yeah?
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(groaning)
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>> Perfect spiral.
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(chuckles)
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>> I don't usually do this,
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but I thought you looked
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like a nice guy, so I just,
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you know, wanted to know
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if I could get your number.
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>> (screaming) For what?
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>> Optimus Prime,
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Decepticons are attacking.
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We have to stop them before
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they steal the Allspark
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and destroy the whole universe.
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>> All right, stand back, dude.
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Let me transform.
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>> For sure.
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What up?
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>> What it do?
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>> How you doing?
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>> I'm chilling.
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>> I'm a-- I'm a giant, kick-ass
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robot from the planet Cybertron.
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Uh, I come from a proud line
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of other giant, kick-ass robots
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called "Autobots."
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You can call me Optimus Prime.
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>> Hi, Optimus Prime, we gotta
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go do it-- great, let's go!
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>> All right.
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Dude, you're going too fast.
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Yo, Keith, help me!
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>> This has been...
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>> Hey, how're you guys doing?
286
00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:08,214
>> This is Kevin.
287
00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:08,978
>> I'm Kevin.
288
00:10:08,976 --> 00:10:10,236
This is-- this is Jermaine.
289
00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:10,883
We were just wondering
290
00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:14,918
if you guys would dance with us.
291
00:10:14,915 --> 00:10:16,315
>> Where's the music?
292
00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:17,476
>> Oh, the music is the rhythm
293
00:10:17,484 --> 00:10:18,494
of the heart, baby.
294
00:10:18,485 --> 00:10:19,815
It's the rhyhythm of the heart.
295
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:20,690
>> Kevin.
296
00:10:20,688 --> 00:10:21,388
They really look like they're
297
00:10:21,388 --> 00:10:21,988
having a good time.
298
00:10:21,989 --> 00:10:22,689
>> Yeah, they do.
299
00:10:22,690 --> 00:10:23,560
I guess they're not gonna--
300
00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:24,356
>> Oh, we gonna be together.
301
00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:25,987
>> (laughs)
302
00:10:25,993 --> 00:10:29,963
** (country western music)
303
00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:34,173
>> Now, pageants are just what
304
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:35,367
Drew and I do.
305
00:10:35,368 --> 00:10:36,068
You know, it's what
306
00:10:36,069 --> 00:10:37,539
our family does.
307
00:10:37,537 --> 00:10:39,407
I've always wanted a girl.
308
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:41,066
I still do.
309
00:10:41,074 --> 00:10:42,344
But having Drew in these
310
00:10:42,342 --> 00:10:43,442
pageants, it just makes me
311
00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:46,183
feel whole.
312
00:10:46,213 --> 00:10:46,883
Give me that.
313
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,050
What in God's Jesus name
314
00:10:48,048 --> 00:10:48,678
was that?
315
00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:50,852
I wanted a little girl so bad.
316
00:10:50,851 --> 00:10:52,291
Now, I'm about to beat the boy
317
00:10:52,285 --> 00:10:54,685
outta you.
318
00:10:54,688 --> 00:10:56,518
>> (screams nervously)
319
00:10:56,523 --> 00:10:58,293
>> There's your show!
320
00:10:58,291 --> 00:11:02,031
**
321
00:11:12,272 --> 00:11:13,642
>> Oh, girl, bogus as hell,
322
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:14,710
okay, for putting her son out
323
00:11:14,708 --> 00:11:15,708
there like that, okay?
324
00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:16,639
Having that little boy act
325
00:11:16,643 --> 00:11:17,953
like a little girl?
326
00:11:17,945 --> 00:11:18,945
She need to be like me.
327
00:11:18,946 --> 00:11:20,346
My son, he a real man.
328
00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:21,380
Look at his little chest.
329
00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:23,421
Ooh-whee, shut 'em down.
330
00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:25,216
Little baby six-pack.
331
00:11:25,218 --> 00:11:25,988
Yeah, we gonna get in there,
332
00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:27,286
we gonna get that money,
333
00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:28,557
and we gonna shut this pageant
334
00:11:28,555 --> 00:11:30,185
down, right, Lil Larry?
335
00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:31,663
>> Mama brought a knife.
336
00:11:31,658 --> 00:11:34,388
**
337
00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:35,504
>> Oh, look at you, Lil Larry.
338
00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:36,425
I see you, boo.
339
00:11:36,429 --> 00:11:37,499
Shut 'em down!
340
00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:38,227
Look at you!
341
00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:40,071
Look at his baby six-pack.
342
00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:41,297
If you're horny--
343
00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:42,771
do it, rub your chest, boo!
344
00:11:42,770 --> 00:11:44,470
Look at my baby shut it down.
345
00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:45,511
What that do, boo-boo?
346
00:11:45,505 --> 00:11:46,665
Shut it down!
347
00:11:46,673 --> 00:11:48,443
* We 'bout to get it
348
00:11:48,441 --> 00:11:50,241
* (chants indistinctly)
349
00:11:50,243 --> 00:11:52,013
* Uh, what, shut it down
350
00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:54,082
* That's my son, leather pants
351
00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:54,921
* That I wear too
352
00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:56,915
Shut 'em down, boo!
353
00:11:59,352 --> 00:12:00,692
>> Daddy?
354
00:12:00,687 --> 00:12:02,357
>> I kill people, man!
355
00:12:02,355 --> 00:12:03,815
(groans)
356
00:12:06,593 --> 00:12:09,763
>> This is my favorite dress!
357
00:12:09,763 --> 00:12:12,803
* Good-bye, good-bye
358
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:14,330
* I'll see you in--
359
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:16,344
>> (groans)
360
00:12:16,336 --> 00:12:17,936
Who the hell are you?
361
00:12:17,938 --> 00:12:19,308
Judging me?
362
00:12:19,306 --> 00:12:20,166
Man, I could've played for
363
00:12:20,173 --> 00:12:21,983
the Clippers, man.
364
00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:23,635
Alcohol is only a disability.
365
00:12:23,643 --> 00:12:25,883
She'll get a scholarship.
366
00:12:25,879 --> 00:12:28,649
>> Wow, the competition has been
367
00:12:28,648 --> 00:12:30,048
so great this year.
368
00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:31,790
>> Indeed it has, Jazzmenta.
369
00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:33,015
I'm certain that Trish
370
00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:34,350
has scarred Drew for life
371
00:12:34,354 --> 00:12:35,664
with sexuality issues,
372
00:12:35,655 --> 00:12:37,485
and I love that.
373
00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:39,660
>> And I love alcoholic daddies,
374
00:12:39,659 --> 00:12:41,289
and I've had a few in my life.
375
00:12:41,294 --> 00:12:43,304
>> But, Mimi, your view is so
376
00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:44,866
entirely selfish.
377
00:12:44,865 --> 00:12:46,495
I think you parent the same way
378
00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:47,669
a rapper would parent,
379
00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:49,137
kind of like that Nicki Minaj.
380
00:12:49,136 --> 00:12:50,396
>> Yeah, it's like the baby was
381
00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:52,173
a piece of jewelry.
382
00:12:52,172 --> 00:12:53,512
>> But I have to say, after all
383
00:12:53,506 --> 00:12:56,136
of this, the winner is--
384
00:12:56,143 --> 00:12:58,653
>> Wait a minute, y'all.
385
00:12:58,645 --> 00:12:59,305
Don't you see
386
00:12:59,312 --> 00:13:00,382
that this is wrong?
387
00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:01,150
>> He's ruining this
388
00:13:01,148 --> 00:13:02,518
competition.
389
00:13:02,515 --> 00:13:03,475
>> Don't you see that shows like
390
00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:05,553
this just exploit little kids
391
00:13:05,552 --> 00:13:07,652
like myself?
392
00:13:07,654 --> 00:13:09,194
I mean, why?
393
00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:10,989
Just for higher ratings?
394
00:13:10,991 --> 00:13:13,491
Better TV shows?
395
00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:15,363
Is nothing sacred?
396
00:13:15,362 --> 00:13:17,662
>> Yo, watch this!
397
00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:19,304
>> (screams)
398
00:13:21,568 --> 00:13:24,268
(applause)
399
00:13:24,271 --> 00:13:26,341
>> Now, that is television.
400
00:13:26,339 --> 00:13:29,439
(laughter)
401
00:13:29,442 --> 00:13:30,112
>> (male announcer) Humanity
402
00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:31,480
be damned.
403
00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:51,457
>> So, did it, uh... hurt?
404
00:13:51,464 --> 00:13:53,404
>> Did what hurt?
405
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:56,870
>> When you... fell from heaven.
406
00:13:56,870 --> 00:13:58,240
>> Oh, no, I was actually in a
407
00:13:58,238 --> 00:13:59,738
near-fatal car accident.
408
00:13:59,739 --> 00:14:03,379
They come fast, the cars.
409
00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:04,776
>> (coughs)
410
00:14:04,777 --> 00:14:06,947
>> I'm actor and scientist
411
00:14:06,947 --> 00:14:08,477
Morgan Freeman.
412
00:14:08,481 --> 00:14:10,381
While experimenting with Tracy
413
00:14:10,383 --> 00:14:13,323
Morgan's DNA, something horrible
414
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:13,990
happened.
415
00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:17,017
(screams)
416
00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:21,430
What's funny is my real name
417
00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:22,398
is Delante.
418
00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:23,155
No one knows, but it's
419
00:14:23,163 --> 00:14:24,973
hilarious.
420
00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:26,825
Oh, President Obama.
421
00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:28,073
It's so nice to see you again.
422
00:14:28,068 --> 00:14:28,838
>> Well, it's an honor to have
423
00:14:28,835 --> 00:14:30,435
you speaking tonight, Morgan.
424
00:14:30,437 --> 00:14:31,737
And like I tell you every time,
425
00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:32,408
call me Barry.
426
00:14:32,405 --> 00:14:33,965
>> Oh, well, much obliged.
427
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:34,744
Barry it is.
428
00:14:34,741 --> 00:14:35,641
(laughs)
429
00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:38,082
>> Remember me, Mr. President?
430
00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:40,678
>> Oh, my doorman, Clifford.
431
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:41,610
>> Of course.
432
00:14:41,614 --> 00:14:42,924
So good to see you.
433
00:14:42,916 --> 00:14:44,246
>> Oh, well, look, I was just
434
00:14:44,251 --> 00:14:46,251
thinking-- you open doors,
435
00:14:46,253 --> 00:14:47,423
and I open doors,
436
00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:49,120
but the doors I open
437
00:14:49,122 --> 00:14:50,322
are actually doors.
438
00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:52,033
>> Ah, that's a good one,
439
00:14:52,025 --> 00:14:52,825
Clifford.
440
00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:53,585
>> Well, I hope you didn't write
441
00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:54,263
Morgan's speech.
442
00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:55,131
>> Oh, damn.
443
00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:55,998
>> We'll see you out there.
444
00:14:55,996 --> 00:14:57,756
>> You too, Barry.
445
00:14:57,764 --> 00:14:59,004
>> Man, (bleep) you!
446
00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:00,269
>> Don't be vulgar, Clifford.
447
00:15:00,267 --> 00:15:01,127
That's the President.
448
00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:02,604
>> I don't give a damn who it
449
00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:04,342
is, we all from the South Side.
450
00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:05,367
Any one of us could've been
451
00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:07,112
President, Mr. Obama!
452
00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:11,607
**
453
00:15:11,611 --> 00:15:13,381
>> Nancy Reagan.
454
00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:15,450
Damn, those cheekbones.
455
00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:16,148
Mm.
456
00:15:16,149 --> 00:15:17,719
Oh, oh.
457
00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:19,117
Chemicals surging.
458
00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:20,949
>> Oh, no, Mr. Freeman, please.
459
00:15:20,954 --> 00:15:22,124
This is not the time.
460
00:15:22,122 --> 00:15:22,792
You got a speech
461
00:15:22,789 --> 00:15:23,719
in five minutes.
462
00:15:23,723 --> 00:15:24,793
>> Oh, Lady Bird Johnson,
463
00:15:24,791 --> 00:15:25,791
Clifford, look at her.
464
00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:27,492
>> Come on.
465
00:15:27,494 --> 00:15:29,804
God, I just can't do this again.
466
00:15:29,796 --> 00:15:31,296
I can't!
467
00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:32,368
>> Help me, Clifford!
468
00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:35,937
Oh.
469
00:15:39,206 --> 00:15:40,136
Ooh.
470
00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:42,210
First Lady Michelle Obama.
471
00:15:42,209 --> 00:15:43,839
>> Here we go again!
472
00:15:43,843 --> 00:15:45,353
I'm out!
473
00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:48,975
>> (groaning)
474
00:15:48,982 --> 00:15:54,322
**
475
00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:56,121
(screams)
476
00:16:04,231 --> 00:16:05,101
>> Where the hell am I at
477
00:16:05,098 --> 00:16:06,498
right now, man?
478
00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:07,669
Oh, White House
479
00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:08,997
Correspondents' Dinner.
480
00:16:09,002 --> 00:16:10,342
This is crazy!
481
00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:12,107
Oh, Barack Obama!
482
00:16:12,105 --> 00:16:13,505
That's how you found Osama.
483
00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:14,336
He was hiding in them
484
00:16:14,341 --> 00:16:15,711
big-ass ears.
485
00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:17,278
(chuckles)
486
00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:20,177
Ooh, Hillary, what it do?
487
00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:21,180
You look good.
488
00:16:21,181 --> 00:16:21,851
Why don't you get over here
489
00:16:21,848 --> 00:16:23,348
and take a seat on Tracy?
490
00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:24,520
Bill can watch.
491
00:16:24,517 --> 00:16:25,847
Yeah, as long as you play that
492
00:16:25,852 --> 00:16:27,552
dumb-ass sax all night.
493
00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:28,364
>> Why don't you play this
494
00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:29,185
right here?
495
00:16:29,189 --> 00:16:30,189
>> That was just very rude
496
00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:30,860
right there.
497
00:16:30,857 --> 00:16:32,127
Man, I hope Obamacare covers
498
00:16:32,125 --> 00:16:33,385
this ass-whooping.
499
00:16:33,393 --> 00:16:34,463
>> It will not.
500
00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:36,061
All right, Secret Service,
501
00:16:36,063 --> 00:16:37,563
can you keep a secret?
502
00:16:37,564 --> 00:16:39,404
I never brush my teeth.
503
00:16:39,399 --> 00:16:40,569
(laughs)
504
00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:48,136
Oh, thank God.
505
00:16:48,141 --> 00:16:51,711
It was only a drea--
506
00:16:51,711 --> 00:16:54,481
Yeah-- oh, Barack.
507
00:16:54,481 --> 00:16:55,581
The Clintons?
508
00:16:55,582 --> 00:16:57,882
Oh, no, sweet heavens.
509
00:16:57,884 --> 00:16:59,054
What have I done?
510
00:16:59,052 --> 00:17:00,492
>> Y'all were so loud
511
00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:01,547
last night.
512
00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:05,728
>> This is gonna be
513
00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:07,425
out of sight.
514
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:08,160
I'm about to become King
515
00:17:08,161 --> 00:17:09,101
of New York-- here we go.
516
00:17:09,096 --> 00:17:12,066
(groaning)
517
00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:15,574
Look who else fits
518
00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:18,668
in this suit, Lucas Brothers...
519
00:17:18,671 --> 00:17:19,871
Josh.
520
00:17:28,581 --> 00:17:32,121
(mimics car noises)
521
00:17:32,119 --> 00:17:34,249
It's hard to transform back.
522
00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:35,724
And I'm in.
523
00:17:42,862 --> 00:17:43,502
>> H, I'm sorry, do--
524
00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:44,156
do you have a minute,
525
00:17:44,164 --> 00:17:45,104
by any chance?
526
00:17:45,098 --> 00:17:46,568
Okay, great.
527
00:18:14,727 --> 00:18:15,497
Okay, that was close
528
00:18:15,495 --> 00:18:16,155
to a minute.
529
00:18:16,163 --> 00:18:17,203
That was close.
530
00:18:19,332 --> 00:18:20,472
>> Man, I'm tired of going out
531
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:21,667
and failing, you know?
532
00:18:21,668 --> 00:18:22,998
>> But we gotta do it, man.
533
00:18:23,002 --> 00:18:24,402
If we're not chasing women,
534
00:18:24,404 --> 00:18:25,374
why exist?
535
00:18:25,372 --> 00:18:26,072
>> You're probably right,
536
00:18:26,072 --> 00:18:27,072
but every time we go out,
537
00:18:27,073 --> 00:18:28,143
there's a bunch of dudes.
538
00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:29,881
>> Way too many dudes, man.
539
00:18:29,876 --> 00:18:31,636
Thursday, dudes.
540
00:18:31,644 --> 00:18:33,354
Last Friday, dudes.
541
00:18:33,346 --> 00:18:34,846
Tuesday, dudes.
542
00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:35,547
How the hell does this keep
543
00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:36,178
happening?
544
00:18:36,183 --> 00:18:37,083
>> And if you think about it
545
00:18:37,083 --> 00:18:38,223
in terms of the population
546
00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:39,488
of the world, consistently
547
00:18:39,486 --> 00:18:40,816
terrible ratio, it should be
548
00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:41,750
statistically impossible.
549
00:18:41,754 --> 00:18:42,824
>> That's what I'm saying, dude.
550
00:18:42,822 --> 00:18:44,322
There's a system in place.
551
00:18:44,324 --> 00:18:45,334
There's gotta be something out
552
00:18:45,325 --> 00:18:46,085
in the universe
553
00:18:46,092 --> 00:18:46,992
that makes it so.
554
00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:48,563
Every bar has way too many
555
00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:50,831
dudes.
556
00:18:50,830 --> 00:18:55,970
**
557
00:19:11,718 --> 00:19:14,088
>> Oh, my God! Crazy!
558
00:19:14,086 --> 00:19:15,016
>> We did it, Kenny!
559
00:19:15,021 --> 00:19:16,061
We did it!
560
00:19:16,055 --> 00:19:17,515
Not a dude in sight.
561
00:19:17,524 --> 00:19:18,364
>> You're not a dude.
562
00:19:18,358 --> 00:19:19,188
>> (both) You're not a dude.
563
00:19:19,192 --> 00:19:20,192
You're not a dude.
564
00:19:22,195 --> 00:19:25,425
>> Yes, yes, Mr. Squiggles.
565
00:19:25,432 --> 00:19:27,202
What?
566
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:28,200
A bar full of girls?
567
00:19:28,201 --> 00:19:28,941
No, no, no.
568
00:19:28,935 --> 00:19:30,395
This cannot happen.
569
00:19:30,403 --> 00:19:31,743
Send in the dudes!
570
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:51,490
(chatter and cheering)
571
00:19:51,491 --> 00:19:52,121
>> I'm staying here
572
00:19:52,124 --> 00:19:52,794
till I die.
573
00:19:52,792 --> 00:19:53,492
>> Oh, yeah, absolutely.
574
00:19:53,493 --> 00:19:54,093
>> Till I die.
575
00:19:54,093 --> 00:19:54,763
>> Never leave.
576
00:19:54,761 --> 00:19:57,831
(ground rumbling)
577
00:19:57,830 --> 00:19:59,100
Yo, what's that?
578
00:19:59,098 --> 00:20:00,098
(chatter)
579
00:20:00,099 --> 00:20:02,069
>> No, no, no!
580
00:20:02,068 --> 00:20:03,168
No, please.
581
00:20:03,169 --> 00:20:04,469
Please...
582
00:20:04,471 --> 00:20:07,071
>> (laughs evilly)
583
00:20:09,309 --> 00:20:11,009
>> Several episodes ago, Kevin
584
00:20:11,010 --> 00:20:13,280
suffered a, uh, really horrible
585
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:14,610
footrace loss.
586
00:20:17,517 --> 00:20:18,447
>> How does it feel to lose
587
00:20:18,451 --> 00:20:19,121
so badly?
588
00:20:19,118 --> 00:20:20,318
>> I didn't lose because that--
589
00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,790
that should've been discounted,
590
00:20:21,788 --> 00:20:22,418
man.
591
00:20:22,422 --> 00:20:23,192
It was one of the darkest
592
00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:24,519
moments of my life...
593
00:20:24,524 --> 00:20:26,264
until today, when I realized
594
00:20:26,259 --> 00:20:27,389
I had to do this again.
595
00:20:29,696 --> 00:20:31,126
>> We've got a huge crowd that
596
00:20:31,130 --> 00:20:32,870
has gathered here to see Kevin.
597
00:20:32,865 --> 00:20:33,825
>> It's, like, there's so much
598
00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:34,533
pressure.
599
00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:35,274
>> Well, we'll do the National
600
00:20:35,268 --> 00:20:35,838
Anthem.
601
00:20:35,835 --> 00:20:37,235
>> No, I won't do that, John.
602
00:20:37,270 --> 00:20:38,970
Stop asking me to do that, bro.
603
00:20:38,971 --> 00:20:41,541
>> One, two, three, go!
604
00:20:41,541 --> 00:20:43,681
>> Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
605
00:20:43,676 --> 00:20:47,706
(laughter)
606
00:20:47,714 --> 00:20:48,724
>> The winner!
607
00:20:48,715 --> 00:20:51,615
(overlapping chatter)
608
00:20:51,618 --> 00:20:52,288
So close.
609
00:20:52,285 --> 00:20:52,985
>> Why did you lose?
610
00:20:52,985 --> 00:20:53,615
>> Why did you lose?
611
00:20:53,620 --> 00:20:55,360
>> 'Cause he's, uh, built better
612
00:20:55,355 --> 00:20:56,615
than...
613
00:20:56,623 --> 00:20:58,023
>> 0 for 2, 0 for 2.
37237
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