Original subtitles

** (tense music)

** (suspenseful music)

>> Hey, y'all, hey--

hey, yo, what's up?

Y'all like hip-hop, man?

Young Maurice The God, man.

Buy my album, man.

It's a mission without a genre.

It's trap music, bluegrass.

Support a artist, baby.

**

**

>> (whispering) I'm not wearing

any underwear.

>> Then how do you block

the dookies?

They just fall out?

**

>> Okay, this "Free Whaley"

script is near perfect.

>> I tear up every time

I read it, I really do.

>> Thank you-- you know,

I grew up loving whales,

and I just hope this film

inspires people.

>> Now, we do have some, uh--

some minor notes, but--

but I say let's get production

underway.

>> That's fantastic.

>> Okay, great.

Well, first things first,

uh, in order to make a movie

about freeing a whale,

we have to steal a whale

from its family and keep it

as a whale actor/slave.

Betty, can you call the whale

slaver?

>> Hello? Whale slaver.

Yeah, I just wanna order one

whale slave.

>> You got it, one whale.

(whales bellowing)

Say your prayers,

you greasy whale!

(laughs)

I hate whales.

>> Hey, pal, great rewrites.

I mean, really, just awesome.

You know, just one little

hiccup, though.

Uh, the whale slave died.

>> What?

>> Apparently, sink water

doesn't cut it.

>> Yeah, and pizza has

no whale nutrients.

>> Fed him pizza?

Man, that's horrible.

>> No, it's fine, the studio

thinks this movie

is so inspiring

and heartwarming that they're

willing to pay for extra

abducting and enslaving.

>> Hi, whale slaver.

Yeah, could you go ahead

and kidnap another whale

from its whale mother

so we can act like

we're freeing it in a movie?

>> You got it.

(whale bellows)

Whale!

(whales bellowing)

I'd like to ug your blowhole

with cement after I've had

my way with ya!

Har! Yarr!

>> Now, we are in great shape.

>> We are.

(whale crying)

Jesus Christ.

Can you give me the stapler?

>> Yeah.

>> Shut up!

Jesus Christ, these whale

slaves wine a (bleep)-load.

>> Now-- now, we love how

Whaley, in the script, has a sad

dorsal fin, but the fin

on our whale slave is very

strong and mighty, so we're--

we're thinking of melting it.

>> That's enough, all right?

I wrote this film to help

whales, not hurt them.

>> Hey, let's take it down

a notch, it's okay.

>> It's gonna be okay.

>> I'm not gonna relax.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna free "Free Whaley."

(whale crying)

Whaley... I'm gonna free you.

Just don't forget me, okay?

I won't forget you.

(screams)

Help! Somebody!

>> Nothing stops this movie.

>> Stop!

>> (announcer) It's official.

Everyone loves the movie

"Free Whaley."

>> Whaley is my favorite

whale slave!

>> I wanna be a whale slaver

so I can harpoon whale flesh.

>> My dad has a pool, and we're

gonna try to fit a whale in it.

>> Yeah, it's a pretty big pool.

>> Support an upcoming artist?

Just trying to feed my hamsters.

>> Please don't stare, okay.

I'm just-- I'm just a guy.

My eyes are up here, okay?

>> Anybody have a bathtub?

Like, a-- like, a big bathtub?

>> Anybody wanna buy a plastic

jewel case?

Plastic jewel cases,

plastic jewel cases,

plastic jewel cases.

>> I'm not sure how much longer

he's gonna last.

>> Does anyone want a free--

I'm doing free tickling.

Do you want a free tickle?

>> That's cool.

>> The bike?

>> Sure, is that what

they call it?

>> What do you mean?

>> What do you do?

You just, uh-- you get it

on its foot, or...

>> No, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay, all right,

no, no, no, no, no.

You put this leg over the seat

and on this pedal.

>> Okay.

>> Yeah, there you go, there you

go, keep going, keep going.

>> And then, the other leg?

>> Yeah, then you gotta...

Put your leg over.

>> Put it there?

>> Yeah, yeah, there you go.

Yeah, and one foot there.

>> And then, you just--

and then-- okay.

>> Okay, so now, you're gonna

start pedaling.

(laughs)

Come on, go, go, go.

Start pedaling.

>> (screams)

>> So, look, the trick is to put

your fingers on the laces,

all right?

But, when you throw,

just follow through.

Good job, man.

>> Oh, wow, that's so easy.

You're such a great big brother.

>> Ah, get outta here, Ches.

You know what?

After you finish your homework,

we can go outside and toss it

around a few times, all right?

>> Sounds like a plan.

>> All right, cool.

You know, with my help,

you might be the next Tom Brady.

>> I wanna be like Eli Manning.

>> Ah, get outta here, man.

>> Chester, guess who's got

peanut brittle.

It's gonna be a wild...

night.

Chester, who--

who's this?

>> Thomas, this is, uh--

this is my big brother.

>> Well, Chester, what are you--

what are you talking about?

I'm your big brother.

>> I-- I know.

>> I'll take it from here,

little Chester.

Thomas, dude, listen.

Your little brother just joined

the Big Brother program.

>> Big Brother program?

I-- I'm his big brother.

We-- we have the same parents.

>> Yeah, I know.

The thing is...

you're a (bleep) dork, dude.

>> What?

>> I mean, help me out, Chester.

Am I wrong?

>> I just started to think about

it, and I really just didn't

want you influencing me.

>> I-- I'm a great influence.

>> Dude, you're wearing a yellow

shirt with a dragon on it.

>> Well, I'm-- I'm good at math.

>> Okay.

>> Chester, how many times

have I helped you with

your math homework?

>> Thomas, I didn't understand

any of it because it was coming

out of your dork lips.

>> Okay, well, maybe I can hang

out with the two of you.

You know, pick some things up?

>> You know what?

That-- you're-- you're right.

Yeah, that could happen, yes.

>> Really?

>> No.

>> Okay.

>> Thomas, the Big Brother

program, it's all about love,

you know?

Love above all.

Now, do you love

your little brother, Chester?

>> Yeah, of-- of course I do.

>> Then you have to take

your dork (bleep)

and get the (bleep) outta here.

>> All right.

>> Wait... Thomas.

>> Yeah?

(groaning)

>> Perfect spiral.

(chuckles)

>> I don't usually do this,

but I thought you looked

like a nice guy, so I just,

you know, wanted to know

if I could get your number.

>> (screaming) For what?

>> Optimus Prime,

Decepticons are attacking.

We have to stop them before

they steal the Allspark

and destroy the whole universe.

>> All right, stand back, dude.

Let me transform.

>> For sure.

What up?

>> What it do?

>> How you doing?

>> I'm chilling.

>> I'm a-- I'm a giant, kick-ass

robot from the planet Cybertron.

Uh, I come from a proud line

of other giant, kick-ass robots

called "Autobots."

You can call me Optimus Prime.

>> Hi, Optimus Prime, we gotta

go do it-- great, let's go!

>> All right.

Dude, you're going too fast.

Yo, Keith, help me!

>> This has been...

>> Hey, how're you guys doing?

>> This is Kevin.

>> I'm Kevin.

This is-- this is Jermaine.

We were just wondering

if you guys would dance with us.

>> Where's the music?

>> Oh, the music is the rhythm

of the heart, baby.

It's the rhyhythm of the heart.

>> Kevin.

They really look like they're

having a good time.

>> Yeah, they do.

I guess they're not gonna--

>> Oh, we gonna be together.

>> (laughs)

** (country western music)

>> Now, pageants are just what

Drew and I do.

You know, it's what

our family does.

I've always wanted a girl.

I still do.

But having Drew in these

pageants, it just makes me

feel whole.

Give me that.

What in God's Jesus name

was that?

I wanted a little girl so bad.

Now, I'm about to beat the boy

outta you.

>> (screams nervously)

>> There's your show!

**

>> Oh, girl, bogus as hell,

okay, for putting her son out

there like that, okay?

Having that little boy act

like a little girl?

She need to be like me.

My son, he a real man.

Look at his little chest.

Ooh-whee, shut 'em down.

Little baby six-pack.

Yeah, we gonna get in there,

we gonna get that money,

and we gonna shut this pageant

down, right, Lil Larry?

>> Mama brought a knife.

**

>> Oh, look at you, Lil Larry.

I see you, boo.

Shut 'em down!

Look at you!

Look at his baby six-pack.

If you're horny--

do it, rub your chest, boo!

Look at my baby shut it down.

What that do, boo-boo?

Shut it down!

* We 'bout to get it

* (chants indistinctly)

* Uh, what, shut it down

* That's my son, leather pants

* That I wear too

Shut 'em down, boo!

>> Daddy?

>> I kill people, man!

(groans)

>> This is my favorite dress!

* Good-bye, good-bye

* I'll see you in--

>> (groans)

Who the hell are you?

Judging me?

Man, I could've played for

the Clippers, man.

Alcohol is only a disability.

She'll get a scholarship.

>> Wow, the competition has been

so great this year.

>> Indeed it has, Jazzmenta.

I'm certain that Trish

has scarred Drew for life

with sexuality issues,

and I love that.

>> And I love alcoholic daddies,

and I've had a few in my life.

>> But, Mimi, your view is so

entirely selfish.

I think you parent the same way

a rapper would parent,

kind of like that Nicki Minaj.

>> Yeah, it's like the baby was

a piece of jewelry.

>> But I have to say, after all

of this, the winner is--

>> Wait a minute, y'all.

Don't you see

that this is wrong?

>> He's ruining this

competition.

>> Don't you see that shows like

this just exploit little kids

like myself?

I mean, why?

Just for higher ratings?

Better TV shows?

Is nothing sacred?

>> Yo, watch this!

>> (screams)

(applause)

>> Now, that is television.

(laughter)

>> (male announcer) Humanity

be damned.

>> So, did it, uh... hurt?

>> Did what hurt?

>> When you... fell from heaven.

>> Oh, no, I was actually in a

near-fatal car accident.

They come fast, the cars.

>> (coughs)

>> I'm actor and scientist

Morgan Freeman.

While experimenting with Tracy

Morgan's DNA, something horrible

happened.

(screams)

What's funny is my real name

is Delante.

No one knows, but it's

hilarious.

Oh, President Obama.

It's so nice to see you again.

>> Well, it's an honor to have

you speaking tonight, Morgan.

And like I tell you every time,

call me Barry.

>> Oh, well, much obliged.

Barry it is.

(laughs)

>> Remember me, Mr. President?

>> Oh, my doorman, Clifford.

>> Of course.

So good to see you.

>> Oh, well, look, I was just

thinking-- you open doors,

and I open doors,

but the doors I open

are actually doors.

>> Ah, that's a good one,

Clifford.

>> Well, I hope you didn't write

Morgan's speech.

>> Oh, damn.

>> We'll see you out there.

>> You too, Barry.

>> Man, (bleep) you!

>> Don't be vulgar, Clifford.

That's the President.

>> I don't give a damn who it

is, we all from the South Side.

Any one of us could've been

President, Mr. Obama!

**

>> Nancy Reagan.

Damn, those cheekbones.

Mm.

Oh, oh.

Chemicals surging.

>> Oh, no, Mr. Freeman, please.

This is not the time.

You got a speech

in five minutes.

>> Oh, Lady Bird Johnson,

Clifford, look at her.

>> Come on.

God, I just can't do this again.

I can't!

>> Help me, Clifford!

Oh.

Ooh.

First Lady Michelle Obama.

>> Here we go again!

I'm out!

>> (groaning)

**

(screams)

>> Where the hell am I at

right now, man?

Oh, White House

Correspondents' Dinner.

This is crazy!

Oh, Barack Obama!

That's how you found Osama.

He was hiding in them

big-ass ears.

(chuckles)

Ooh, Hillary, what it do?

You look good.

Why don't you get over here

and take a seat on Tracy?

Bill can watch.

Yeah, as long as you play that

dumb-ass sax all night.

>> Why don't you play this

right here?

>> That was just very rude

right there.

Man, I hope Obamacare covers

this ass-whooping.

>> It will not.

All right, Secret Service,

can you keep a secret?

I never brush my teeth.

(laughs)

Oh, thank God.

It was only a drea--

Yeah-- oh, Barack.

The Clintons?

Oh, no, sweet heavens.

What have I done?

>> Y'all were so loud

last night.

>> This is gonna be

out of sight.

I'm about to become King

of New York-- here we go.

(groaning)

Look who else fits

in this suit, Lucas Brothers...

Josh.

(mimics car noises)

It's hard to transform back.

And I'm in.

>> H, I'm sorry, do--

do you have a minute,

by any chance?

Okay, great.

Okay, that was close

to a minute.

That was close.

>> Man, I'm tired of going out

and failing, you know?

>> But we gotta do it, man.

If we're not chasing women,

why exist?

>> You're probably right,

but every time we go out,

there's a bunch of dudes.

>> Way too many dudes, man.

Thursday, dudes.

Last Friday, dudes.

Tuesday, dudes.

How the hell does this keep

happening?

>> And if you think about it

in terms of the population

of the world, consistently

terrible ratio, it should be

statistically impossible.

>> That's what I'm saying, dude.

There's a system in place.

There's gotta be something out

in the universe

that makes it so.

Every bar has way too many

dudes.

**

>> Oh, my God! Crazy!

>> We did it, Kenny!

We did it!

Not a dude in sight.

>> You're not a dude.

>> (both) You're not a dude.

You're not a dude.

>> Yes, yes, Mr. Squiggles.

What?

A bar full of girls?

No, no, no.

This cannot happen.

Send in the dudes!

(chatter and cheering)

>> I'm staying here

till I die.

>> Oh, yeah, absolutely.

>> Till I die.

>> Never leave.

(ground rumbling)

Yo, what's that?

(chatter)

>> No, no, no!

No, please.

Please...

>> (laughs evilly)

>> Several episodes ago, Kevin

suffered a, uh, really horrible

footrace loss.

>> How does it feel to lose

so badly?

>> I didn't lose because that--

that should've been discounted,

man.

It was one of the darkest

moments of my life...

until today, when I realized

I had to do this again.

>> We've got a huge crowd that

has gathered here to see Kevin.

>> It's, like, there's so much

pressure.

>> Well, we'll do the National

Anthem.

>> No, I won't do that, John.

Stop asking me to do that, bro.

>> One, two, three, go!

>> Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

(laughter)

>> The winner!

(overlapping chatter)

So close.

>> Why did you lose?

>> Why did you lose?

>> 'Cause he's, uh, built better

than...

>> 0 for 2, 0 for 2.