Original subtitles

>> Man, these raisins are good

raisins.

>> Yeah, man, it's like, your

dad wasn't kidding when he said

he had the freshest raisins in

town.

Man, this is--

(dramatic music)

>> What's wrong?

>> It's my bully, man.

He's coming.

>> I'm sorry, where?

>> What's up, butt-munch?

>> Him?

>> Yeah.

>> Taste nurple, fart-mouth!

>> Gaahh!

(whimpering)

>> You've got dork breath.

>> Question.

What the hell is wrong with you?

>> Huh?

>> You could punch right through

that dude, easily.

>> What's... punch?

>> We've got a lot of work to

do.

**

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

All right, Trevor, he's coming.

Just like we practiced, all

right?

Knock his ass out.

>> Hey, Walter.

Who's got dork breath now?

Ohh.

>> Still you.

>> All right, guys.

Sales have been down for five

consecutive months.

Anderson Furniture is destroying

us, and we have to fight back.

First things first.

Mike, you're fired.

>> I don't believe this.

>> That's how the furniture

business works, baby.

Second, we need someone who's

aggressive, someone who's able

to fight dirty, which is why

I've hired our new manager.

Hailing from parts unknown,

"Rowdy" Roddy Piper!

** (rock music playing)

>> I have come here to kick ass

and chew bubble gum and sell

furniture.

And I'm all out of bubble gum...

and ass.

(all cheering)

>> Furniture! Furniture!

(all chanting) Furniture!

Furniture!

(all cheering)

>> Can I try out this bed?

>> No problem.

>> Hyuh! (gagging)

Uhh!

(woman screaming)

>> Uhh! Agh! Ah!

I'll take it.

>> Oh, that-- yeah, yeah?

>> Sold!

>> Sold!

>> Double axe handle!

(both cheering)

>> Does this chair have back

support?

>> Let's find out.

>> (laughing)

>> Yah!

>> Uhh!

>> (laughing) Yeah!

>> Why'd you hit my husband with

a chair shot?

>> We did it!

We're number one in regional

furniture sales!

(all cheering)

>> Ladies and gentlemen...

**

(inhales) Mister...

Anderson!

Anderson!

>> That's Mr. Anderson from

Anderson's Furniture.

>> I see that you guys hired an

outsider to help you boost

sales, huh?

Yeah? Well, guess what?

The main event starts...

right now.

>> This is absurd.

We're professionals, not

wrestlers.

>> Mic check!

Hyuh!

>> Heard you were looking for

us, Mr. Anderson.

Ohh... well, here we are.

So, well, if you're feeling

froggy, why don't you just leap

there, Rin Tin Tin?

>> Yeah?

>> Yeah.

>> Ribbit.

>> Uh, excuse me?

Do you have any Papasan chairs?

>> Yeah, we actually do.

We have a big selection.

All different colors, yeah.

Blue.

>> Ma'am? Ma'am.

We have a huge selection of

Papasan chairs.

(overlapping chatter)

>> Son, at some point in your

life, you will be offered a

cigarette.

You start smoking early, you

might develop a respiratory

disease, which could lead to

your untimely death.

Please make the right choice.

Don't smoke.

I love you.

>> I love you, too, Dad.

>> Okay, let's get this money.

>> Let's do this.

(guns cock)

Go on, get on the ground now!

>> So we put-- put Rel in this

baseball costume about two hours

ago for this bit, but it's

really hot out.

He's been getting really mad.

So we're about to do it, but I'm

gonna walk over and tell him

that it's been cut for the day.

I'm sorry, I know you've been

wearing this for a while, but

they just said the light's not

there, it's not gonna match, so

ey're gonna cut this and

they're moving our stuff out, so

we're gonna do this again

tomorrow.

>> You gotta be (bleep) kidding

me-- you serious?

>> Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I swear, I came over to tell you

'cause I knew you'd be--

>> Do the camera people know?

>> Yeah, they're all packing up.

>> Why are they still shooting?

>> (laughing)

>> Are you serious?

>> Yes, they're just--

They were trying to match it up,

but they can't.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

>> You ain't gotta apologize.

>> Well, yeah--

>> Once again, Rel predicts a no

(bleep).

>> I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

I made it up, I made it up, I

made it up.

I made it up, I made it up.

(laughing) I made it up, I

promise, I swear to God.

>> The (bleep) you do that for?

Get the (bleep) away from me,

Josh.

(laughter)

Straight up.

>> Do you want me to be in this

one?

>> Go across the street.

>> We all remember the wonderful

sounds of the Beach Boys, but

what about the forgotten legacy

of those five black guys from

California who also sang about

the beach?

Time-Life Music presents

The Beached Brothers.

Order the collection of amazing

classics, and you'll get songs

such as...

>> And if you act now, we'll

throw in their other regional

hit, "Wouldn't It Be Nice to

Watch the White Girls Swim While

We Sit in the Sand?"

>> And you'll also get a song no

one remembers,

"Dumb Dumb Dumb."

>> It's The Beached Brothers.

Order today.

>> Honey, it's okay that you

don't want to play soccer

anymore.

>> Look, it's not a bad thing,

you know, if you don't like

something or you want to try

something new.

>> We're actually glad that you

felt comfortable telling us.

We never, ever want you to feel

like you can't change course and

push your life in a new

direction.

>> Nothing has to be forever,

okay?

It's okay to change you.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Okay?

>> And you is always evolving,

even when you're as old as Mommy

and Daddy,

which is why we're actually

thrilled to tell you that...

>> (both) We're getting a

divorce!

(both laughing)

>> And this is your dad number

two, Ronald.

>> You ain't gotta worry about

another mommy, because I'm never

doing this again.

(coin clinks)

>> He's tiny.

>> (both) Yo!

>> Never stoppin',

rager's poppin',

Sig Sig Alpha!

(both laughing)

>> Man, this is the best

rager of all time.

>> Oh, hell yeah, man, I'm so

turned up right now, dude.

>> Oh, I can see it, man, I--

There was moment where I almost

turned down, but then I was

like, "Turn down for what?"

You know what I mean?

You know what I mean?

>> This is the best night of my

life!

(both howl)

>> Be good, all right? Cool.

>> You too.

>> I'll catch you later with a

girl in your lap probably,

right?

** (somber music)

(both sobbing)

>> I don't want to do this

anymore.

>> What am I doing, man?

Why? Like, what?

>> (both) Whoo!

>> Never stoppin',

rager's poppin',

Sig Sig Alpha!

>> Yeah, yeah, man! Whoo!

>> Well, if it isn't the two

coolest doolios in the worldio.

>> (both) Bitch, yeah!

>> I bet you those dorks in

Cappa Si are studying.

>> Yeah!

>> Or painting (bleep) pictures.

>> Who here wants a shot?

>> Yeah!

>> (all) Shot, shot, shot, shot,

shot, shot!

>> (sobbing)

No shots! No shots!

No shots!

Ohh!

(harp strums)

>> Yo, um...

>> Hey, what up, bro?

>> I thought I just heard a harp

in here?

I mean, 'cause I could be wrong,

but if I did hear it, I'd have

been like, "Yo, harps suck!"

Heh! What's that?

>> Oh, that?

It's just two girls doing it,

bro.

>> Those are two chicks?

Nice!

** (somber music)

>> You ever, like, you know,

like...

Just feel like you're

pretending?

>> (all) Jell-O shots!

(all cheering)

>> (all) Best night ever!

(all sobbing)

** (Italian opera music playing)

>> I just wanted to say sorry.

>> Get the (bleep) away from me,

man.

>> I just wanted to say sorry.

You look great in the baseball

thing, though.

Everyone over there thinks you

look like a real baseball

player.

>> Shut up.

>> I really--

I think you look like a real

baseball player.

>> Come on, Ma.

Do I have to where this?

I look like a day shift manager

at Friendly's.

>> This is your first time

meeting with a recruiter, and I

want you to take this seriously.

>> Ms. Jackson?

>> Yes.

>> Nice to meet you.

>> Hi.

>> And you must be T.

>> Yeah, how you doing?

>> Have you thought about your

future, T?

>> Not really.

>> I know you're only 16, but

you have so much potential.

>> Really?

>> Oh, yes.

We've been keeping track of

you for years.

You could be one of the greats.

(chuckling)

Hey, come on, I'll show you

folks around the place.

>> both: Okay.

>> We have a vast library and

resource center, not to mention

a brand-new quad with over 5,000

comfortable beds.

Now, there's absolutely no need

to worry about being homesick

because we've got an incredible

support staff.

What can I say?

This place is the best.

You're going to absolutely love

going to Pike Penitentiary.

(cell door clanking, slams)

>> Uh, so Mr. Edwards, Ma?

Like, I appreciate the tour, I

really do, it looks great,

but I've already narrowed my

choices down to Riker's and

Attica State Penitentiary.

>> Riker's?

That's not even a prison, son,

that's a-- that's a jail.

Are you trying to ruin your

street cred?

>> No, no, no, no, no...

>> And Attica, that's--

That's a government institution.

Pike is privately owned.

>> Privately owned?

>> Yes.

That's what's popping right now.

All the top criminals are going

to private prisons.

Enough of my yakking.

Why don't we go to the video?

Uh, take a look at this.

>> Okay.

>> Yeah.

>> announcer: Come to Pike, the

best in criminal detention.

We have the lowest unintentional

sodomy rates in the country

and a plethora of diverse clubs

like the Crips, Bloods, and

Aryan Brotherhood.

At Pike, you get your own toilet

that you share with only one

other roommate.

Pike.

Your private prison palace.

>> And you know, Pike also has a

very impressive alumni network.

>> Wow.

>> Mm-hmm.

Plaxico Burress.

>> Plaxico Burress?

>> Martha Stewart.

Tim Allen.

>> Tim Allen?!

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Tim Allen's hilarious!

I love "Galaxy Quest."

>> Oh, "Galaxy Quest."

>> both: "Never give up.

Never surrender."

(both laughing)

>> Tim Allen's so funny!

>> Damn right, and you know how

he got to be so funny?

>> How?

>> By (bleep) with us here at

Pike Penitentiary.

>> Well, damn, all right.

(laughter)

Well, I guess I'll think about

it, you know, I...

>> All right, 'cause that's the

kind of experience you can have

here.

>> Oh, thanks, I appreciate it a

lot, so I guess I'll be going.

>> T, I'm your father.

I've been in here since you were

two, and I can't stop moving, or

they'll beat my ass.

Looking good, Doris!

>> (gasping)

That was my father?

>> Yeah, it is.

>> Hey, now, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Where you going, son?

>> I'm gonna go commit some

crimes, man.

I'm going to Pike Prison!

(laughing) Up here!

I loved you in "Green Mile"!

(laughing)

What up, ho?

Give me high-five!

Enjoy your sandwiches!

(laughing)

>> Mom, how come there are

firemen and no firewewomen?

>> Excuse me?

>> Like, how come there are some

jobs that women aren't allowed

to do?

>> Now, you listen to me.

You can be anything it is that

you want to be.

>> Really?

>> Yes.

Now, you're gonna hear a lot of

noise from the outside world

about how, because of your

gender, you should or shouldn't

do something.

But your only job is to be you,

because you are a talented,

beautiful, smart human.

And you're gonna be amazing at

whatever job it is that you

choose.

I chose to rid the world of Jedi

scum by traveling to Endor and

burning Ewoks out of their tree

homes.

Love you!

And don't stay up too late.

We have church tomorrow.

>> Kill an Ewok for me?

(whoosh)

>> Have you ever dared to dream?

>> Son...

You're throwing your life away.

** (rock music)

>> Why can't you just believe in

me?

>> Just think about the future.

>> I'm gonna be the lead singer

of Aerosmith!

>> This summer, watch the story

of a man who didn't want to miss

a thing.

I'm moving to New York to join

Aerosmith.

>> But they live in Boston!

>> He could have made it, but no

one understood him.

>> I'm the president of Sony

Records.

How does a $20 million contract

and complete artistic freedom

sound?

>> Unless you're a member of

Aerosmith, then don't talk to

me.

>> Aerosmith has been incredibly

successful for decades now.

>> If you're not gonna help me,

then get out of the way.

(thunder crashes)

>> You're gonna have to choose.

It's either me or the rock band

Aerosmith.

>> You want me to walk that way?

Well, I wanna walk this way.

>> But finding out what it takes

can make any man jaded.

>> I got some bad news.

Your mom was hit by a car.

>> Remind me again, Dad.

Was Mom Aerosmith?

Then I don't care!

>> Would you stop throwing

plates?!

>> I'm gonna kidnap Stephen

Tyler.

(howling)

>> "Dream On."

>> Excuse me.

Excuse me. How you doing?

I was trying to get to Yankee

Stadium.

From here, where is Yankee

Stadium?

>> It's way, way uptown, so you

gotta take--

>> Is it this or that way?

>> That way.

>> You sure?

>> Positive, you--

But you're not gonna walk there.

(chuckling)

>> Let's settle down, thank you.

Now, before we start today, I

wanted to say that, um...

Actually, has anyone seen Keith

or Kenny Lucas?

>> Nah, we're here,

Mrs. Gertrude.

>> Coming at you as holograms,

mother (bleep).

**

>> Oh, that's right.

My brother and I stand before

you using the space age

technology of holograms.

Wake up, dumb (bleep)!

Y'all just mad 'cause I gotta

sit here and listen to him talk

about Marcus Garvey while we at

home chilling 'cause we figured

out a way to manipulate space

and time.

>> Using the futuristic powers

of mother(bleep)--

>> Language, boys.

>> Sorry.

>> Sorry, Mrs. Gertrude.

>> It's Mr. Gertrude.

>> So as I was saying before, I

know I said that we were gonna

have a test today.

>> Oh, we gonna kill that

(bleep), Lucas Bros style.

Hologram high-five.

(electronic droning)

>> But... instead of a test, we

are gonna have a super surprise

pizza party!

>> Yeah!

>> Uh-oh.

>> Oh, man.

>> Uh...

An unforeseen drawback.

Bet you think we regret this,

don't you?

We don't.

>> Yeah, we-- yeah, we don't.

Y'all just mad that we not gonna

share space age technology with

y'all.

Y'all can enjoy y'all pizza.

We gonna go back and play

PlayStation.

>> Yeah.

>> You ready to dip?

>> Yeah, let's bounce, man.

>> Let's get out of here, man.

>> It's just not there.

(whoosh)

(phone ringing)

>> Hey, um...

Excuse me, my name is Ryan.

>> Oh, hi. Krista.

>> Did you just start here?

>> I did. Uh, did you?

>> Uh, no, no.

I've actually been here for a

few years now, yeah.

>> Oh.

(both laughing)

>> Oh, you're married, nice.

>> Yeah, yeah.

To the old ball and chain.

Yeah, we got a couple little

ones, too.

Let me show you a picture.

I love little family.

Look at that, look at my little

people, huh?

>> Oh, cute!

>> My little princess.

>> Oh, little chubbies!

So adorable.

>> Yeah, yeah, man.

They mean the world to me, you

know?

>> Oh, that's great.

>> Yeah.

>> So you like it here, or...

>> I mean, it pays the bills.

But the only thing I would say

is that, um...

The boss can be a bit of a

hard-ass at times, you know?

>> Ohh.

>> So you gotta watch it.

>> All right.

(both laugh)

>> Yeah.

>> (burp)

Wasn't me, it was Ryan!

>> No!

>> What?

>> (shouting)

>> No, no, no!

No!

>> You all know the rules!

You all know the rules!

No burping!

Thanks, lady.

What is your name?

>> It's Krista.

>> Thanks for snitching.

Just for that, you just got

promoted to senior vice

president.

Congratulations.

>> (clapping)

>> (laughing nervously)

Thank you.

>> Hey, y'all want some free

advice?

Y'all want some free advice?

>> That's too easy.

Stay in school is too easy.

>> When you put grapes in a

freezer, then they become ice

grapes and you can eat 'em.

They're a low-cal snack.

>> If you were in, like, the

wilderness and a tiger was gonna

eat you, you should try to avoid

that.

>> I knew that already.

>> You say-- you knew that?

Okay. All right.

That's all I got.