Original subtitles

>> There were many different

wars-- there was the Civil War,

World War I, World War II...

(stomach grumbling)

>> Oh, no.

I have to poop.

Please, not now, not here!

** (tense music)

Miss Arias?

Uh, may-- may I be excused?

I-- it's just something

really important.

>> Danny, the bell's about to

ring, so if you could just sit--

>> Please?

>> Where you going, man?

(stomach grumbling)

>> I just, uh--

I gotta go to the nurse,

so I'll...

>> All right.

(laughter)

>> You okay, Danny?

>> Yeah.

>> Oh, my God, I can't

get caught.

Please be empty.

(door squeaking open)

Hello?

(stomach grumbling)

(cackling)

>> I can't wait for lunch, man.

I'm gonna eat so many snacks.

(overlapping chatter)

Somebody's pooping in here, man.

>> Who the hell poops in school?

>> I don't know, man, but that

poop is new, I know somebody is

pooping in here!

>> Who is it, who is it?

>> Go get his shoes!

Get the shoes!

(cackling)

Get his pants!

>> (sobbing) No!

(laughter)

(shouting indistinctly)

Oh, no!

>> (cackles)

>> (shouts indistinctly)

>> All right, all right,

all right.

What is all the racket in here?

Huh?

>> Danny's in the stall,

and I just--

>> Wait, Danny is (bleep)?

>> Oh, no, no.

>> Nobody (bleep) on my watch!

Come on, you little--

>> Oh, please, oh, no!

>> This school has been

(bleep)less for 30 years!

(all cheer)

(cackling)

>> (screams and cries)

** (upbeat music)

** (somber organ music)

>> Dearly beloved,

we are gathered--

>> (screams and sobs)

>> Let it out, sister.

>> Why, Lord, why?

He was just a baby!

>> We are gathered here today

to say good-bye

to brother Charles Price.

>> Oh, Reverend,

you got it all wrong.

Even thought my baby is dead and

gone, we need to say good-bye to

those damn shoes you wearing.

>> You got some nerve, lady.

>> Come on, take it easy now.

She's the mother of the

deceased, she's going through

a lot.

>> You're right, brother.

>> I know you need the money and

you've been doing funerals all

day long, but you didn't have

to come straight from the

cemetery with these dirty,

muddy shoes.

>> You came to the wrong

preacher.

>> Come on, now, that's the

mother of the deceased,

(bleep) damn it.

She going through a lot.

Why don't you just take a seat

right now?

Come on, now.

>> Ooh, David Copperfield,

please get my son up out

of there with some of that shark

tank magic.

>> Yo, did she just say

David Copperfield?

>> Yeah, I think Aunt Rita's

losing her mind.

>> Charles Price

was my only friend.

>> Well, that's probably

the truth, but we all know

how fat you is.

>> Uh-oh, get 'em, Rita.

>> Oh, it's going down.

Somebody better get this baby

a steak before he eat all of us.

Fat Steven Seagal is starving.

>> (chuckles)

>> Hold up, Boris.

Hold up, now, that's the mother

of the deceased now.

Plus, you are really fat.

Have some compassion!

It's her special day.

She can say and do whatever

she want to.

Let her have a good time.

>> Damn, now she's playing

the drums.

** (up-tempo percussion)

>> Wait!

Get your ugly ass out here.

** (upbeat music)

Oh, my dear, baby needs

a new pair of shoes!

Unh!

(blender whirring)

Mm, mm.

Oh, I ain't gonna never die.

>> Come on, you need

to tear him up.

>> Welcome to Sunday school.

Guess who's going?

This tall, goofy-ass preacher.

**

>> Coming to a city near you,

it's Rita Price, America's

favorite insult comic on her

"Get My Son Up Out of There"

tour.

You loved Rita on YouTube, and

now, she's coming to you live.

You'll die laughing,

just like her son.

>> I don't like none of you

mother(bleep).

I'm Rita, that is my time!

** (upbeat music)

>> Come on, kill me.

Do it now, predator.

>> (imitates ticking clock)

>> Come on, do it.

Do it now.

>> Ahh.

>> I hate you, predator.

>> I'ma do it.

I'm gonna kill you, dude.

>> Predator, I wanna kill you

with this gun.

(gunshot)

>> Oh, man, you shot me with a

bullet, dude.

I got blood on my Timberland.

>> This has been

"Lucas Brothering the Movies."

>> Everybody, move back.

>> Yeah, come look, come look.

Let's see, he's gonna--

>> You wanna see this?

You wanna see a Double Dutch?

All right, here we go!

Here we go, Double Dutch!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

(excited chatter)

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

>> Oh, shoes off.

(excited chatter)

>> Do it, do it, do it.

Here we go.

(laughter)

>> Oh, okay, all right,

it's a good try, man.

>> Yeah, I'm not good at these

things.

>> That was a good try.

(overlapping chatter)

(laughter)

**

>> * You got to get

* Your groove on

* If you're gonna boogie, ooh

* Boogie-woogie, boogie

>> He's recording.oogie *

He's just recording.

He's in the middle of a take.

But you can go pass.

Just keep it quiet,

if you don't mind.

Sorry, if you wouldn't mind,

he's just-- he's in the middle

of his take.

He's just got a really good take

going, if you wouldn't mind,

just stand-- I don't wanna get

him out of his funk.

When he gets in the funk--

if he gets out of the funk,

he'll never get back

in the funk.

>> * Here we go

* We're grooving

* Come on, six, seven, eight

>> If you just-- if we could

keep it down.

>> Hey, man, could you get that

bus to move?

>> Could we just-- yeah, if we

could just keep it down.

He's just got a really good

track going.

** (hip-hop music)

>> * I ain't gonna

* Hit you, boy, don't push me

* In the hood, there ain't

* No such thing as a good week

* Every day, we fighting

* And shooting, get nice

* Things, they come lootin'

* Show your weakness

* It's your life

* That you losin'

* Now, I pray to God

* Hoping that He's with me

* Change needs to come

* And I'm hoping

* That it's different

* I'm talking about

* Spinach and kale

* Instead of going to jail

* Locally-grown peas

* And carrots for the children

* What's this I see?

* I think they coming

* And I hope it's by me

* And I really can't lie

* I really gotta testify

* I'm hoping that

* Some hipsters come gentrify

* What's this I see?

* I think they coming

* And I hope it's by me

* And I really can't lie

* I really gotta testify

* I'm hoping that

* Some hipsters come gentrify

* Been in the hood

* For a minute

* And I can't lie

* There's no way

* That I could spin it

* Every day, I'm scared

* And in fear, and this

* Becomes just so clear

* That life would be easier

* If iced coffee was near

* Let's not forget

* Our teas and new sauces

* Cut your losses

* When you see

* Them hipsters walking

* Don't stand there gawking

* Just move on

* And mind your business

* 'Cause somehow they lower

* Crime with dumb outfits

* And opinions

* What's this I see?

* I think they coming

* And I hope it's by me

* And I really can't lie

* I really gotta testify

* I'm hoping that

* Some hipsters come gentrify *

Y'all know there's some dudes

on my block that would kill me

for saying some stuff like this,

but... ay, ay, just--

yo, just get here, man.

Please, man, we need help.

Man, I heard y'all opened up

a mayonnaise shop

in Bed-Stuy, man.

That's where Biggie's from, man.

What is that?

It's beautiful.

(music fading)

**

>> All right, settle up.

Settle up, sit down, and

Gregory, I don't appreciate how

tan you got on your vacation.

For far too long, our power has

been declining.

>> Yeah, yeah.

>> Our number's dwindling.

>> (all) Mm-hmm.

>> But a new day is coming.

The KKK will return

to its former glory.

And when it does, we will kill

every one of those black devils.

(cheers and applause)

>> Yeah!

>> Now, on to new business.

The trip to Tucson has been

cancelled.

Brother George, speak your mind.

>> Uh, so I-- yeah, I understand

what you're staying about

killing all the black people.

>> Every one of those black

devils.

(applause)

>> Right, and, uh, when we do,

maybe we could just not kill

Will Smith.

>> What was that?

>> I agree.

I wanna hate him for the color

of his skin, but I have to love

him for the power of his smile.

>> I don't know if you get what

we're doing here.

>> To be honest, I really also

really like what-- what Drake

has been doing, I don't know

if you're up with it--

>> Drake, of all people?

>> He did start from the bottom.

Now, he's here.

>> Yes, I guess that

is inspiring.

>> While we're on the subject of

saving black people, there's

this guy at the grocery store.

His name's Fred.

He saw my Kangaroo shirt,

came up to me, and said,

"Dude, cool shirt."

And I was thinking that maybe

we could save him.

>> No.

>> Pff.

>> We are killing Fred.

>> Speaking of shirts, uh,

these are very hot, you know?

>> This is our heritage.

We're Phantom Knights.

>> I'll tell you what, Molly.

I know a great place where you

can get some cool shirts.

>> Chris, nobody wants to wear

your goofy-ass shirt.

>> Uh... well, I know

one black guy named Fred

that seems to think

a little differently.

>> You know what? Fine!

Fine, all right?

Fred is safe.

>> Yeah! I love it!

>> Why are you sticking up for

Fred, all right?

He's just been nice to Chris?

>> Hey, overall, it's just kind

of hard to be racist nowadays,

you know, because, like, every--

>> Yeah, it is!

It is hard to be a racist

because if it was easy,

everybody would do it!

>> What if instead of hating

everyone that isn't white,

we hate just one person

that is white?

>> I like it.

>> John Cusack's white.

>> Yes, he is.

(agreeing chatter)

>> Fine.

I guess the KKK will only hate

John Cusack.

(cheers and applause)

>> Whoo!

>> Screw John Cusack!

>> I guess the meeting's done

then.

>> Oh, wait, one more thing.

I was just wondering if maybe we

could do some fun activities

during our meetings.

>> Yeah, I guess there was,

like, one thing I always wanted

us to do, but...

** (upbeat music)

(cheering)

>> Did y'all know it is legal

to hold megaphones

and talk into 'em?

Holy crap!

That's fun!

Officer Frank?

Hey, man, he knew.

(laughs)

Ain't that right, Frank?

Frank cool as hell, man.

**

>> I don't wanna bother you,

so, luckily, I am a, uh--

I am a classically-trained

opera singer.

(singing high off-pitch)

**

(applause)

>> Hi, and welcome to "Hannah."

Today, we're gonna be talking to

people who've been having some

difficulty in their marriages.

We're gonna meet a girl named

Phyllis who's been secretly

cheating on her husband, Larry,

with his brother.

(laughter and chatter)

Let's go ahead and bring out

Larry, shall we?

>> Hey, Hannah, what's up?

Why is everybody murmuring?

>> Okay, now, Larry, why don't

you take a seat?

>> Hey, babe.

>> Okay.

Now, Phyllis, go ahead and tell

Larry what you need to say.

>> Oh, Larry... (sobbing)

I just need to tell you

something.

I've been...

(fire alarm blaring)

Oh, God.

>> Okay, now that's just a fire

drill, it happens a lot.

>> Oh, fire, fire!

>> It's a real fire, everybody.

Just usher out this--

(sustained low tone)

And we're back.

Now, if you're just joining us,

Phyllis had something very dark

to tell her husband Larry.

Go ahead, Phyllis.

>> Larry...

I love you, you know that.

>> I love you too.

>> It's just so hard!

>> Yeah, I'm sure it is.

>> Hey, Wayne!

>> What up, Frank?

>> It's an electrical fire, man.

>> You know what? Just say it,

Phyllis, go ahead and say it.

>> I'm cheating on you, Larry,

with your brother!

(gasping)

>> How could you do this?

We had a dog.

>> Let's bring out the real dog,

Larry's twin brother, Barry.

>> I ain't no dog, man.

Get a job, dude.

Yeah, you too.

(audience murmuring and booing)

How you doing?

>> Yo, how could you do this

to me, man?

>> Ay, ay, ay, what can I say?

'Cause I love her, man.

>> What?

>> 'Cause I love her, man.

>> (laughs)

Are you crazy, man?

(laughs)

>> Hey, can you guys keep it

down? I can't hear anything.

>> Hey, why don't you shut

the (bleep) up, man?

We saved y'all from an

electrical fire,

you ungrateful bitch!

Why don't you get a job?

>> I got a job, boo-boo!

>> I really feel the love,

but is it-- is it real love?

>> Yeah, of course it's love.

You know, in the 21st century,

it's love.

>> Oh.

Let's come over here and talk

to Larry.

Now, Larry, how do you feel

about all this?

>> It's the worst day

of my life.

>> Oh, (bleep), a flame!

Oh, oh!

**

>> No sign of the drop yet.

Still waiting for the target

to arrive.

The players don't seem alerted

to our presence.

The sting is still on schedule.

Also, uh, don't eat all

the pizza back in the van.

Did you copy?

Uh, save me some pizza, over.

>> This frequency is for

stakeout broadcasts only,

detective.

>> Okay, real quick, though,

you ate all the pizza, or--

>> All right, okay, let's keep

our attention on the task

at hand, detective.

>> Just give me a slice count

so I know what I'm working with.

I'd appreciate that.

>> Look, you can eat when

the sting is over.

Just pay attention.

>> I mean, it was my idea

to order the pizza.

>> Detective.

>> Okay.

** (tense music)

Still no sign of the drop.

>> Just leave me a slice

of pizza, over.

>> No.

>> No one will see.

It'll be cool.

>> Detective.

>> I mean, I gave you money

for the pizza.

Do you not remember that?

I gave you money, so legally

speaking, I get pizza.

>> This is a serious operation,

detective.

>> I will arrest you.

I will arrest you

the first chance I get.

>> Detective, enough.

Pay attention to the target.

>> Pepperoni slice!

>> Look, there is no more

pepperoni.

>> Wow!

Wow, yeah, you got me out here

in these dumb-ass pants

while you're just wolfing--

>> Put your arms down,

detective, are you trying

to blow this thing?

>> What are you really trying

to say?

>> Sit down, detective.

The pizza is gone.

>> Ha, no more pizza? Okay.

Well, I'm out!

>> What? What is he doing?

Why is running like an elf?

He looks so--

okay, oh, God.

Start the van, start the van.

>> Hey, you guys wanna

do the Hannah Shake?

We're gonna move our shoulders

like we heard some gossip.

On the count of three--

one, two, three,

Hannah shake it.

Shake it, there you go, yeah.

(laughs)

So much fun here at "Hannah," on

the streets and in the studio.

**

>> My name's Kenny Lucas,

and this is my brother

Keith Lucas.

And I'm gonna tell some

embarrassing facts about him

'cause I've known him

for years.

>> Josh Rabinowitz.

Though he looks like a child,

he has so much hair on his back

that he owns a device made

solely for shaving his back.

>> He pees sitting down.

>> Yes, I do.

>> My brother pees sitting down.

>> Also, up until six months

ago, Josh thought that thes

rapper Pharrell was called

"Farrell."

>> (chuckles)

>> Josh is white.

>> I am white.

>> Keith doesn't believe in

Black History Month.

He told me that yesterday.

>> I don't.

>> Probably the most

embarrassing thing about Kevin

is that he thinks his jacket

looks good.

>> My mom got me this jacket,

man, it's a good jacket.

(bleep), man.ood jacket.

>> He'll never be Fonzie.

>> (laughs)

**

>> A stormy week is in the

forecast.

>> Let's head over to the

weather station with

Evan Michaels.

>> Looks like you've got a

special guest with you there,

Evan.

>> We sure do, Dick.

As you know, every third

Wednesday of the month is

Weather Kid of the Week,

and this week's guest is little

Robert Gubbs.

>> Actually, it's Bobby Gubbs.

Robert is my dead father.

Him and my mother died in

a horrible tornado last week.

Also, can I say hi

to Miss Reardon's class?

Hello, Miss Reardon's class!

>> Wow, Bobby, I'm--

I'm so sorry, I--

well, I'm sure they're watching

over you now.

>> Oh, we were watching you last

week during that storm,

but we didn't hear nothing

about a tornado, no sirree.

>> Okay, let's lighten

everybody's mood with the

overnight forecast.

We've got a high of 74 tonight

with partly cloudy skies.

>> Oh, last week, I saw a cloud,

and my hamster was in it 'cause

that same F5 tornado, it just

came and it-- it ripped little

Randy right out of my hands.

And I said, "Don't go, Randy!"

And he said, "I have to."

>> Well, as you know,

meteorology is not a perfect

science, but let's go

to Tuesday.

We've got a storm front moving--

>> Oh, that's where my house

used to be.

Oh, now, just go down... yeah.

And that's where it is now.

>> Back to you, Dick and Janice!

>> Back to you, Dick and Janice!

>> A wonderful child.

>> And now, for some

breaking news.

The last two bodies in what is

being called the worst storm in

history have finally

been identified as

Rita and Herb Gubbs.

>> Grammy and Pop-pops?

Are they here?

>> We'll be right back.

>> Who'll be right back?

>> More news after this.

>> No more news after this!

**

>> Hell, yeah, dude.

>> So, did you fix it?

>> Of course it's fixed, bro.

That's what happens

when you got Big Dick Paul up in

here slamming and jamming.

>> Oh, God, I love when

you say that.

Say it again!

>> Slamming and jamming.

**

>> Oh, man, Paul is a God!

>> Who poopin' in here?

**

>> Get his shoe, get his shoe!

>> No!

>> Hey, I'm taking all

the toilet paper!

(cackling)

>> Please, stop!

>> Whoo!

(laughter)

>> Stop, I'm Big Dick Paul!

I'm Big Dick Paul, stop!

Oh!

>> What do we want?

>> Quiet!

>> When do we want it?

>> Now!

>> Got to protest New York City!

It's dropping the seeds

to the ground!

>> No more noise!

No more noise!

>> (all) No more noise!

No more noise!

No more noise!

No more noise!

No more noise!