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(whistling)

(snapping)

>> * Bad to the bone

* Don't wanna be mean

* Bad to the stone

* Still wanna be me

* Chained to the stone

* Don't wanna be mean

* I hear this public long

* Don't wanna to be mean

* Bad to the bone

* Don't wanna be mean

* Bad to the stone

* Still wanna be me *

(gun cocking)

**

(gun shot, screaming)

>> Oh, (bleep)! Oh, (bleep)!

**

>> Hi. I'm Dr. Freeman.

Morgan Freeman.

One night in my

underground laboratory, I was

working on an experimental cure

for eczema using strands from a

very remarkable donor--

Tracy Morgan--

when something horrible

happened.

(groaning)

**

>> Oh, morning, Mr. Freeman.

>> Good morning there, Clifford.

How's your mother?

>> Well, she's dying.

>> Oh.

>> But nobody lives forever.

>> Oh, that's the spirit,

Clifford-- keep the spirits up.

>> Morgan-- Morgan Freeman?

>> Yes.

>> I am such a big fan.

>> Oh, thank you so much.

Obliged-- Thank you, darling.

>> Guess I'll have to watch

"The Dark Knight" tonight.

>> Well, don't forget

the popcorn then, huh?

Have a good one.

>> You too, Mr. Freeman.

>> Oh, Lord.

No.

Butt.

(groaning)

>> Mr. Freeman, are you okay?

>> Hey, yo, sexy!

I like them two bran muffins

right there, man.

Let me bite that.

Get that fiber.

I ain't gonna poop out

nothing but those yoga pants.

(chuckling)

>> You're being very rude right

now.

>> Let us play a little game.

Guess who has an erection.

Here's a clue.

It's Tracy Morgan.

Now guess.

>> For heaven's sake!

Mr. Freeman,

is everything okay?

>> Mind your business, Cliff.

Fun fact: I don't give a bus

driver's ass about those sick

moms.

I hope them hemorrhoids

spread to her ankles.

Come over, girl.

Go out with me, man.

I keep my money

in a Build-A-Bear.

(chuckling)

>> Sweet heavens.

What evil have I unleashed?

**

>> Can you help me with this

crossword, Kevin?

>> Of course, Miss Williams.

Anything for you.

>> What's an 11-letter word for

something you put a turkey in?

>> Hmm... 11... tough--

>> Plastic wrap!

>> (muffled screaming)

>> Old Killers!

>> It's the announcement that

shook the basketball world.

At a press conference today,

basketball superstar Darryl

Powell made news that caught

the entire league off guard.

>> I'm sure you've all heard

the rumors.

I can't live a lie.

I think it's time

the world knew

that I, Darryl Powell,

am monogamous.

>> Darryl.

>> Darryl.

>> Over here.

>> Darryl, Is this a new thing?

>> Well, I've known I was

monogamous since I was seven,

but. I hid it from my father.

>> Mr. Powell!

>> Mr. Powell.

>> Mrs. Powell, how have you

been taking all of this?

>> I'm just as shocked as the

rest of the world, but I, I love

my husband and we're going to

work our way through this.

>> Darryl, are you the only

monogamous player in the league?

>> Well--

No comment.

>> Darryl.

>> Darryl.

>> No more questions.

>> Once again, the NBA's

Darryl Powell comes out

as monogamous.

Monogamy, a condition in which

the person has only one sexual

partner was thought to be

non-existent in professional

sports.

>> I don't like other women,

okay?

>> As expected, Powell's

announcement set off a firestorm

of reaction around the league.

>> Is monogamy contagious?

No, I'm serious, like,

how can you even get that?

>> Hey, Darryl, when I cheat on

my wife, will you keep your fat,

monogamous mouth shut, huh?

>> What if we're in the shower,

you know, and he wants to. talk

about his wife and their future?

>> Hours ago, Steel Body Spray

announced they have pulled their

commercial starring the 6'8"

small forward, stating they

cannot condone soft-ass dudes.

Here to help us make sense of

these developments, live via

satellite, monosexual

Darryl Powell.

Darryl, what's going on,

man?

>> Well, ever since the

announcement, I've received

multiple death threats and I

have no plans of putting my

wife's life in danger,

especially since she's the only

one I'm having sex with.

>> Yeah, that's. Yeah.

>> So after this season, I'm

taking my talents to Kansas

where all the other monogamous

people live.

>> Well, God help you, Darryl.

After the break, the NFL steroid

problem-- they've eaten

them all.

That and more on

"Sports News."

>> Hey, yo, would you mind

taking a picture of all of us?

Would that be cool?

Okay, just, the button.

The bottom button.

>> Three count?

>> Give us like a one, two,

three.

>> Three, cheese.

>> One, two, three.

There you go.

(giggling)

**

>> The end is coming!

The end is coming, everybody!

Technically speaking.

In like, 2.8 million

years the sun is gonna totally

engulf the earth, at which

point, you know,

that'll be the end.

And I know like, that seems

like a long way away, but like,

the end' speaking-- Whoa.

>> (laughing)

>> Well, you two seem to be

hitting it off.

I'm glad we finally

got you together.

>> Yeah.

>> Okay, let's play two truths

and a lie. I played it

in college and I would

die laughing.

Uh, Sean, you go first.

Two truths and a lie.

>> Okay, I went to Yale,

I love to windsurf and I have a

parasitic brain worm.

>> Too easy.

The brain worm.

>> Oh no, I got a brain worm.

It's in my head.

I got it while

eating contaminated pork while

doing Habitat for Humanity in

Guatemala.

The doctor said it

would be too risky to remove it.

>> Did you hear that, Julia?

Guatemala.

>> You ever been to Guatemala?

>> No.

>> You should really go.

It's ama-- (screaming) Oh God!

(screaming) Oh my God.

I'm so sorry.

Must be the wine-- The worm

don't like wine sometimes.

I'm going to go to the restroom

real quick, do you mind?

>> Take a thousand minutes.

>> Excuse me.

>> What the (bleep) just

happened?

>> I knew you were going to

react like this, Julia.

>> That man has a worm in his

brain.

>> Sean is a catch.

He helps poor Guatemalans.

>> I think you just need to

relax, I think you need to open

up your heart to love, okay?

>> Hey, I'm back.

Party on.

>> Well, back to the game.

My turn: I love fudge--

>> Can I ask a question about

that brain worm?

>> Okay, shoot.

>> Is it a permanent brain worm?

>> No, it's not perm-- No.

Eventually it will die.

And it will start to rot.

And you know,

they'll suction it right out of

my head.

I just hope it dies

before my charity marathon

in June.

>> Oh my God, charity marathon,

Julia.

>> So rot, you say.

>> Yeah, ah, I'm so sorry.

Sometimes the worm gains control

of my motor functions when it

wants bread and butter.

I apologize.

>> And it causes you to eat

butter like that.

>> Sometimes.

Excuse me.

I'm going upstairs

to the bathroom.

>> Yeah, mm-hmm.

So that worm controls his body.

>> Do me a favor.

How is this any different

from when you dated that DJ?

You dated a DJ.

Spin--

>> I'm sorry.

It's been a rough year.

I'm not going to lie.

And it means a lot that

you guys invited me out.

I appreciate it a lot.

I just, I'm just happy

that people still want

to hang out with me even after

knowing about the disgusting

nature of my illness.

>> You are so brave.

It's just so inspiring--

>> Sean?

I just gotta--

There's a little bit.

>> It's coming out.

>> The tail, is it the tail?

The tail's out?

Okay, somebody better get it.

Get it, get it!

>> No!

(all speaking at once)

>> No, no!

I will not scoop a

worm out of your nose with that

tiny knife!

Get out of my way!

>> You're not getting any

younger, Julia.

>> Well, we have failed as

matchmakers.

>> Thank you so much, that's so

stuffed up.

>> Oh, don't worry about it.

What are neighbors for?

I can get this unclogged

for you in no time.

>> Toss it, Lenny.

>> Toss it, Lenny?

(screaming)

>> Old Killers!

>> Yo, that's Keith.

>> And that's Kenny.

>> And welcome to the latest

episode of

"Squabblin' and Quarrelin'"

where we squabble

and quarrel about some of

the hot topics, 2014.

>> Yep.

>> First topic,

"Crash Bandicoot."

>> Let's squabble and quarrel.

It's a good game.

>> Still holds up.

>> Yeah, after all these years.

You want to play today?

>> Let's do it.

>>All right.

>> All right.

>> Second topic, cookies.

>> Let's squabble and quarrel.

>> I'm a big fan of oatmeal

raisin personally.

>> Word?

>> Yeah.

>> You don't like chocolate

chip?

>> I like those too.

>> Nothing better than chocolate

chip.

>> Can you name one thing?

>> No.

>> All right.

Final topic, drone strikes.

>> Let's squabble and quarrel.

>> I don't know much about it.

>> Me either.

I don't know anything about

drone strikes, man.

>> See, the only thing I know is

that since 2008,

the United States has

employed about 5,331

unmanned aerial vehicles.

You see, on the plus side,

you're not risking American

lives.

No troops have

to hit the ground.

But on the downside, it's like a

detached experience.

We're actually really

murdering people

and killing a lot of innocent

civilians.

>> I just did a little bit of

independent research.

>> Okay.

>> And I think I do dig oatmeal

cookies, man.

They're pretty dope.

>> Mm.

>> That was it.

>> Yeah, that was the show.

>> That's "Squabblin' and

Quarrelin'"

>> That's "Squabblin'

and Quarrelin'"

with the Lucas Brothers.

Goodnight, guys.

>> Yeah, goodbye.

>> (vocalizing)

Hey, you ever

have French toast before?

Hey, where you going?

Hold on.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait.

All right, keep going.

Go ahead-- Do your thing.

How you doing?

I'm Tracy, man.

Sit in my lap, man.

Like Santa.

I got pepperoni in my

belly button.

**

>> Lady with the red hair and

the phone, can I have a moment

of your time?

Please? No? Sir.

Could I have a moment of your

time for a very worthy cause.

It's going to be the most

important thing you do

in your life.

We're trying to reunite

Steve Harvey with his flattop.

>> We're trying to reunite

Steve Harvey and his flattop.

We're trying to reunite

Steve Harvey with his flattop.

>> What is a flattop?

>> Oh, I'll show you.

>> We're trying to get

Steve Harvey to put

his flattop back on.

>> I'll sign for that.

>> Thank you.

>> It's a movement, baby.

Yeah.

>> They see the bigger picture.

>> They understand that the

flattop needs to come back.

>> Hey, man, you ain't gonna

find better coke than this.

>> No, this ain't pure.

I'm not buying this.

>> That's fine.

You ain't have

to buy it.

But you ruined my bag.

>> What are you talking about?

>> You put a knife in the bag

and you ruined it.

>> Look, I didn't ruin anything.

All I did was poke a hole

in there.

>> Just a hol-- Dude, do you

know what bags do?

>> Look, I know what bags do.

Especially bags of drugs.

Okay, what you do is

you poke a hole

in it, you put your finger in

there and then you try it out.

>> Then you could have just used

the sample flap.

>> Nobody said nothing about

a sample flap!

>> How do you not know about the

sample flap?

I mean, everybody

knows about a sample flap.

>> Look here, if you would have

said something to me about a

sample flap, I would have

sampled flap.

Who is this guy?

>> He's my neighbor.

>> Holy smokes, that's a lot of

cocaine!

Giddyup!

>> He sample flapped.

>> You didn't sample flap?

>> Just tape it up, okay?

>> Do you know how hard it is to

take powder and put it in a

brick shape?

>> We gotta smoosh it all

together--

>> And then you gotta fold it.

>> And that folding's worse than

the smooshing.

>> Yeah, it is.

>> I ain't got time for this.

I'm about to leave.

All right, you take care.

It was a good--

>> You better re-bag up that

stuff or we're going to put a

sample flap in your head.

>> Sample this.

>> I told you, you gotta turn

the fan on when you got company

over.

It's too hot in here.

>> No!

**

>> Well, uh, thank you for

coming on a date with me.

Sorry.

I don't even know what I'm

doing-- I'm not really good at

first dates, I never--

>> Oh, neither am I.

>> So.

>> (together) What are you

going to order?

Jinx!

Double jinx!

>> You know, I'm pretty sure

when you do a double jinx, you

have to buy me a drink.

>> No, actually, I'm pretty sure

double jinx is when you act-

(guns shot)

>> Old killers!

>> Hey, yo, is that-- Is that

Steve Harvey's flattop?

>> You know, I think it is.

>> Only one way to find out.

>> Hey, yo, flattop.

Are you Steve Harvey's flattop?

>> Yeah, I'm Steve Harvey's

flattop.

>> What happened with you

and Steve?

>> He thought he looked better

without me.

So I had to leave.

>> Oh.

>> Oh.

>> Well, what are you doing

today?

>> Oh, I just got this bike

race.

>> You have a bike race?

Can we come watch?

>> Sure.

>> Yes!

>>All right!

>> Well, let's finish our ice

cream first though.

>> On your mark, get set, go!

>> Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on.

>> Man, I didn't think this

one through.

Anyway, thanks for

coming to my bike race!

>> Hey, man, you can't win 'em

all, flattop.

Have a good day.

>> We're going to get out of

here, man.

>> Wait, wait, wait.

I hate to ask,

but I'm trying to get a

bird to fly me home.

You mind giving me a toss?

>> Uh, yeah.

No worries, I can do that.

See you later, flattop.

>> Thanks, fellas!

Whoo!

>> Bye, flattop.

>> Bye.

>> Bye, flattop.

>> Excuse me.

Is there a camera

crew behind me?

Like, a light dude.

>> Yeah.

>> Oh, damn it!

**

**

>> I was gonna marry this girl,

you know, I was.

And then. Boom.

She was gone.

>> Just let me set you up with

my friend Katie.

>> I don't want Katie.

>> What do you want, man?

>> I want to go to

Chuckle Cheese's.

Wow, look at this.

We used to come here

all the time.

>> I cannot believe you're so

excited.

>> Hey!

Welcome to Chuckle Cheese's.

Name's Herbie.

You guys here for a party?

>> Uh, no, actually, we just

came by ourselves.

>> I'm sorry, fellas, but adults

can't get inside Chuckle

Cheese's unless they're

accompanied by a child.

Sorry about that.

Rules are rules.

>> You know what?

Set me up with Katie.

>> Really?

>> Yeah.

**

>> Okay.

Congratulations, you got

a beautiful baby boy.

>> Finally!

>> What?

Wait!

(choir singing)

>> Every year, thousands of

adult men impregnate women

solely to gain entry

to Chuckle Cheese's.

Stop the madness.

Legalize unaccompanied adult

playzone entry.

>> Get on down get on down

get on up with that booty

get on down with that booty

Sweat pants sweat pants

six pack six pack

look at them nipples

look at them nipples

Look at that look at that

tap the ground tap the ground

what you looking for

your keys your your money

what you got what you lose

your contact what you lose

let's find it find it

with your foot point at the air