Original subtitles

- [Ainsley] You fall in love, get married, buy a house.

[crowd cheering]

It's beautiful, but this story isn't about that.

In a very big, very broad, very married social circle,

five of us shared one painfully solid bond.

We'd all crash landed on the table behind the speakers,

better known as the singles table.

- Ben, I seem to notice that you have

an ice cube in your mouth at most times.

- I find it's quite refreshing.

You want one? - Oh no, thank you.

- [Ainsley] Liz and Ben had absolutely nothing in common,

making them the obvious choice

for the tragically ill-fated setup.

- So, how did you go with the gift registry?

- In what sense?

- What'd you get?

- The sheet set.

- I spent less on my first car.

- Update, this is diabolical.

I'm three and half Pinos in, I may need be help.

Ridiculously hot, but he lives in a Caravan.

- You're still a glass and a half away from crisis,

and I am on it.

- What'd he say?

- [Ainsley] Harry was Liz's best friend,

but his mother suspected there was more to the story.

- Rishan, table five.

So much younger, beautiful hair, good hips.

She knows you're a doctor.

You should be speaking to her.

- I will. - [Ainsley] He wouldn't,

because Harry was gay.

- Rishan's favorite singer, Shania Twain, just like you.

I'll go talk to the band.

- [Ainsley] He just never quite found the words

to tell his mom.

- Hey mate, can you check,

my husband's not walking over here, is he?

- [Ainsley] My landlord slash self-appointed life coach

Heather, wasn't even single.

- Which one is he?

- Short, tall enough you'd lose him in a crowd,

shocking here.

Got more hair on his eyebrows than his head.

He's probably smiling, wouldn't know why.

- Um. - As for myself,

the official reason I was single

was that I just hadn't met the right person.

God, selfish is the last word I would use to describe you.

- Thank you.

- [Ainsley] The unofficial reason was I had met him.

I worked with him every day.

- I said, can you give me an example

of your so-called selfish behavior?

She said, you go to the gym two hours every day.

- That's just healthy.

And he was married, technically.

- I'm not.

[sitar music]

- They look so happy, don't they?

- Ainsley, that's not happiness.

That's terror dressed up in optimism.

- Heather!

- Do you know how much control issues she's got?

She can hardly breathe, and check out his eye line.

Straight to that bridesmaid's ass,

probably shagged already.

- Harry is the bride's cousin.

- Oh shit, sorry Harry.

Probably hasn't shagged the bridesmaid.

- No, I think he has.

- There you go.

If anyone on this table can identify

one genuinely happy couple here, next round's on me.

- The drinks are free. - One couple, just one couple.

- Okay, 10 o'clock, the older couple

with the matching haircuts.

- No, you see, I know that Denise

has been sleeping with her orthodontist

for the past four years.

- Okay, 12 o'clock, the balding guy.

I mean, look at the way he's looking at that blonde.

That is love.

- That's my husband.

Hasn't looked that awake since 1993.

- I was the one who finally, fatefully,

turned to the topic of real estate.

I put it to you that every couple in this room

is happy on some level because they own houses.

- See, that is happiness.

- Case closed.

- You don't know they own houses.

- Oh yeah, these people are homeowners.

I mean, look at the way they're dancing.

- You're confusing happiness with real estate.

- With all due respect to Heather,

you bought your house in the 90s,

so you wouldn't. - Exactly, and look at me.

Morbidly depressed. - Morbidly depressed

in the privacy and the comfort of your own home.

I've been in your granny flat for eight years.

- I still live with my mother.

- For me, it's the exhaustion of the hunt.

It's like having another full-time job.

- It kills people.

I mean, it hasn't been formally linked with cancer,

but you know, it's only a matter of time.

- Well I'd go on then.

If the alternative is getting cancer, then do it.

See how you go.

- We can't, that's the point.

- Look, I'm sorry, but I call bullshit.

The five of you could chip in, buy a house together,

and you'd have more buying power

than a married couple times two.

Go on, knock yourselves out.

Get back to me when you've dropped your souls

in the middle of the greatest financial trauma

you will ever face.

- [Ainsley] At the time, it was just a joke.

[group chuckling]

- It's actually not as stupid as it sounds.

[Harry laughing]

- [Ainsley] But a joke plus five wines

became an internet search.

♪ Greggo, Greggo, Greggo

♪ Where'd you go, where'd you go ♪

♪ Point Danger, Lamington Plateau ♪

♪ What a tit for tat

- That one, can you send me that one please?

- Harry.

- Wow.

- [Ainsley] The internet search became a group email.

[crowd cheering]

And although we didn't know it at the time,

on that night, on that singles table,

our lives had changed.

♪ Greggo where'd you go man, where'd you go ♪

[soft music]

[elevator dinging]

- With a bit of a push, I think he'll agree

to subdivide the Kinneson property,

but he won't budge on the catamaran.

- Well, if they push back

then we'll just call on the daughter to testify.

- Here, here.

Now what time's the lunch reservation?

Have I got time to send a couple of emails?

- Actually, I think I might have to skip lunch.

- But Edwina is back from Patagonia.

She'll have treats.

- I wish I could.

It's just an auction, a little place I've had my eye on.

- You're not giving up the East Melbourne townhouse?

- Oh no, no, just a little bit of regrouping,

consolidation, optimizing.

- You must have stirred up most of half of Melbourne by now.

- [laughing] Give my love to Edwina.

- Hey Ben, are you coming back?

- Yeah, probably.

- Getting some sneakers?

- Maybe buying a house, so I don't know how long I'll be.

- [Man] What? - Yeah, I'll get you sneakers.

- It's a very sound financial investment.

Liz is involved.

- You're buying a house with three strangers and a cougar?

- Firstly, Liz is not a cougar.

Secondly, they're not strangers.

Ainsley and Lachlan are both real estate agents.

They know what they're doing.

- You can stay here, save your money

and buy a house for yourself

and your wife when the time comes.

- Mom, I'm 30 years old, the time has come.

- Mom, you're blocking the screen.

- Yeah, I'm just trying to get a good angle.

When I get home and Bruce isn't walked,

the dishwasher unpacked and your sheets washed,

all this is going on eBay.

- [Son] Mom, we just bought the PS4.

- [Heather] Well I don't care, do I?

- Heath, I'm heading off, you still coming?

- What's that you're wearing?

- What, what's wrong with it?

- You gonna bid on the house or date it?

- I'm just trying to put my best foot forward.

- Ainsley's about to buy the commune.

Colin, do you want to watch?

- [Ainsley] It's not a commune.

- Sorry, cult.

- It's not a cult.

It's a very sound investment opportunity,

and it was your idea, Heather, you suggested it.

- I suggested a lot of things that night.

I suggested we all get dolphin tattoos, did you do that?

No.

Colin. - Give me five minutes.

I'm bidding on a Katmandu sleeping bag,

never used, still in the packet.

- Maybe I'll see you there.

I wholeheartedly meant what I said.

This was a brilliant opportunity,

but there was one other factor at play.

- Here she is.

Did you get any sleep?

- Barely.

- Where are the others?

- They're on their way.

- Let's do this.

- [Ainsley] Right from the beginning,

he called me his work wife.

- Ains, you wouldn't read about it, but she's immune to me.

- Impossible.

- I think you'd better go and woo her

with some of your country charm.

- I'm from Newcastle.

- Don't ruin the magic for me.

- But then I met his actual wife.

Lachlan tells me you do decoupage.

- I work with clay.

- [Ainsley] It was pretty obvious there were issues.

- Hey ladies, sorry they didn't have any pineapple midoris,

so I got you a vodka cider.

- Jesus.

- [Ainsley] I didn't say anything,

until she kicked him out the first time.

[breathing heavily]

[Lachlan sobbing]

- I just hope this doesn't complicate anything

with our friendship.

- Hey, no, of course not.

- I'm sorry, don't look at me.

- [Ainsley] Half a decade later,

I'd somehow convinced myself

that maybe if we were living under the same roof

he might finally see me.

- There they are.

- [Ainsley] And we could be a real couple.

- How are you guys feeling, excited?

- Mostly.

Liz is struggling a bit.

- No, no, please don't take offense.

Just in the unlikely event

that we actually get the house today,

I just wanted to be absolutely upfront

that this is a financial thing for me.

I have absolute respect and admiration for all of you,

but I'm just extremely unlikely to participate

in any of the social dimensions of the house.

- It's totally fine with me.

Just one second.

- Does breakfast count as a social dimension?

- [laughing] Hello.

If it involves more than one person, yes.

- So you won't be eating breakfast, then?

- No.

- Okay, have we all got our bank checks?

And Liz, you've triple-checked the contract?

- I have. - Let's get registered.

- As they say, wedding buddies and now become investors.

- Fingers crossed.

- Ben, Ben, look, just about our situation

after the wedding.

I hate to bring it up again.

- It's fine.

- I just want to be absolutely clear

that from this point onwards you and I are co-investors,

so strictly platonic.

- Yeah, that's fair enough,

but if for argument's sake we don't get the house?

- Still absolutely nothing.

- At $2,390,000 I have now, can I say $2.4 million?

At $2.4 million, this is bargain basement buying.

I might start bidding myself.

It does not get any better than this.

This is the great Australian dream.

Rit large, thank you to the gentleman on my left.

- You in?

- Can I say 2.45?

This is a fine property, ladies and gentlemen.

This young couple here

are about to make a steal at this price.

Looking for $2.45 million.

Thank you madam, at $2.45 million.

- Look like it's us and Power Nan.

I think we got this.

- I wouldn't underestimate Power Nan.

She's got a bit of a mafia vibe about her.

- Look at those shoes, those shoes don't say money.

- Nothing about her says money,

but that in itself screams money.

- [Auctioneer] Make no mistake, we are here to sell today.

- It's a permit zone.

- Get around the block.

- [Auctioneer] Don't let it slip away now.

Sir, can I say $2.46 million?

- There's Heather.

- [Auctioneer] We're at the business end of proceedings now,

ladies and gentlemen.

Who is gonna make this charming five bedroom their home?

- You never told me Lachlan was in on this.

- Yeah, I said the group from the singles table.

- He's about as single as I am.

- He's separated now, Melanie kicked him out.

- Oh, his wife kicked him out again?

- Heather, I'm so touched that you came,

but I can't talk right now.

- Well, tying yourself to that man

after the way he's treated you is insanity.

- I know we've got a complicated past.

I'm not denying that, but I've put that behind me now.

- How is investing half a million dollars with a man

putting it behind you?

Go around again.

- [Auctioneer] $2.49 million. - $2.5.

- That's it, that's our limit.

- Don't say that.

- I'm saying it.

- $2,501,000.

- She's done this before, look at that game face.

- [Auctioneer] $2.501, we're at now.

- Just one more thousand.

That's only like 200 bucks each, right?

- No. - $2,502,000.

- You're making the biggest mistake of your life.

- I don't think I am.

Heather, I know you're gonna miss me, okay?

But this is getting really inappropriate.

- Inappropriate is you paying off

his credit card debt both times.

- He paid that back.

- Look, just think about what you're doing.

- Full silence.

At $2,502,000, going once,

going twice,

going three times.

- This is it.

- [Auctioneer] And sold to the gentleman on the left.

[group cheering]

- [Ben] We got it, we got it!

- Got a park. - Get back in the car.

- [Ainsley] People say that moving can be traumatic

and emotionally exhausting.

Those people haven't factored in

a bizarrely aggressive landlord.

- Keep it.

You'll probably need the refuge

when it all goes pear-shaped.

Boys, Colin, get off the couch.

Ainsley's leaving for now.

- See ya.

- Thank you all for the past eight years,

all the meals, special recipe cocktails,

and the council.

- You are so welcome, Ains.

- None of that was you, Col.

- I reckon you should come see the place, Heath.

I reckon if you see it and if you met Lachlan again

with a really open mind, you'll see.

[soft music]

- She was always gonna go eventually, love.

We can get another tenant or go down the Airbnb route

and hike the price up.

He can't be too bad, love, this fellow, whoever he is.

- You've met him, Colin, several times.

He's the one who stays over

whenever his marriage falls apart.

King Dipshit.

- What did I think of him?

- [Ainsley] Everything was moving so quickly.

I wanted to capture every single second.

- Hello and congratulations.

- Wait, wait, wait.

Can I get a photo of you dropping the keys in his hand?

- Ains, you should be in this.

- It looks good just you.

And drop.

[group cheering]

- Hey, guys.

- Would you mind just getting a photo of all of us

standing in a line?

- I'm happy to stand out.

- Liz, you are a part of this moment, deal with it.

- Okay.

- Three, two, one.

- Oh, what if we do one where we all jump at the same time?

- Yes. - Do I have to be part

of this moment, too?

- Yes.

- [Realtor] Three, two, one.

- I'm in an open-toed shoe.

- Who'd like to do the honors, Ben?

- I'm okay with the swerve, that's all right.

- Harry?

- It's gotta be you, Ains.

- Everyone sure?

- Yeah, just open the door.

- Oh, no.

[group laughing]

- And now I'm stepping over the threshold.

We could carry each other.

- We're not married though, isn't that half the point?

- I'm open to other configurations.

- Backwards?

Or without a chief?

- It's a different point of view.

- I'm going in.

- Okay, just one more of the five of us

walking into the main living area.

- Ainsley, you've already captured us holding the keys,

entering the front door and jumping in unison.

I think the experience is well documented.

- It's nice, spacious.

- It always looks different without furnishings.

- Did it smell like this before?

- Just needs a bit of air through it, I don't know.

- Have we got running water?

- [Ben] It's brown.

- What happened to the pool?

- Pretty standard to take the decking.

I've done it myself.

- I don't think it was an unreasonable expectation

that the pool decking came with the pool.

- She'll be all right once the furniture's in.

- Yeah, classic buyer's remorse.

- Is it the state of the house or one particular person?

- Remind me why we're doing this again?

- Because we couldn't afford anything we liked

and we wanted a pool.

- And why didn't we get a place, just the two of us?

- Because we couldn't afford anything we liked

and we wanted a pool.

Breathe with me.

- This wasn't in any of the plans, Harry,

not plan A, B, C, nowhere in the alphabet.

- And out. [exhaling]

- Why are you so calm?

- This is just doctor face.

I'm completely shitting myself.

- What do we even know about these people?

- You already learned a thing or two about Ben.

- The only thing I've learned from Ben

is that the hot tradie sexual fantasy, myth,

or if not a myth, then not in any way based on him.

- A hot tradie sexual fantasy?

I thought it was more cops or fireies.

- Careful, you got it? - Yeah.

- Ains, this room is like,

if you were a room, this would be it.

- I was thinking if you help me set up my room,

I'll help you set up yours.

- Already happening.

Where are you putting that?

- I think in the corner.

- Wait, wait, wait.

Let's see, there, good.

It's perfect.

It's so heavy.

There's weights in this bed.

Okay.

[sighing] It usually takes a good week

to settle into a house, but is it just me,

or does this already feel like home?

- It's not just you.

- Timber.

[soft music]

- And through here, the kitchen slash dining

slash lounge area.

- Beautiful sense of light, don't you think?

- What's that, is that a garbage muncher?

Thought they banned those.

One of you will probably lose a digit.

My money's on, - Heather.

Sorry.

- Oh no, she's right, and it's good to have a critical eye.

- Oh, you've got it, Shady,

two very critical eyes on you all day, every day.

- Did you just call me Shady?

- Yep.

- I like that, Shady.

- Let's see the loft.

- Ahh.

- We'll rotate the rooms at some point,

but for the moment, this is, - My room.

- That's a nice view, isn't it?

And your room with an en suite.

- It's perfect.

- Actually, Lachlan suggested that I take this room,

but I didn't want it on account of the ceilings.

So you misread that, and quite a few other things, too.

- Ains, we'll put this up here.

I just wanted to say thank you.

If you think about it, all this happened because of you.

- A lot of things happen because of me,

most of them deeply unfortunate.

- Oh, well you'll always be a guest of honor in our home.

- Would we call it an honor?

- [laughing] She's a classic.

I'm gonna go and do another load before it gets dark.

- Yeah, go. - Shades.

Ciao.

- What?

- I'm touched you're so concerned.

Look at him.

He's being thoroughly lovely.

- Is he? - Yes.

And this social experiment, - Commune.

- Whatever, it's working and I'm happy.

And I'm coming around on Friday and I'm bringing margaritas,

whether you like it or not.

- Ben, I'd just like to sincerely apologize

for the hot tradie thing that you heard earlier.

- Look, I'm sorry, 'cause I Googled it,

and you're right.

A hot tradie is totally a thing.

I just can't believe I let you down like that.

The tool belt was sitting right there, too.

- Ben, I'm not actually into anything like that.

It was just a stupid comment.

- Just for the record, I haven't had a lot of experience

with role playing and stuff,

but I did love drama in high school.

- No Ben, that really wasn't the issue.

- So there's something else.

Was it the Caravan?

- Well, I wouldn't exactly put the Caravan

in the asset column.

But no, no, I just think it's a terrible idea

to get involved romantically with a co-investor.

- That's not a rule, is it?

- Well, it's more of a guideline or a parameter

as we go forward.

- So no sex whatsoever? - No.

I mean, you can have sex by all means, with outside people.

God, go for your life.

I just think between housemates

it's important to keep it free of complication and all.

- For sure.

Just so I'm 100% clear.

- We might just, should we leave it there?

We might not chat for a minute.

- All right.

- That's the lounge room, I think.

- Oh, that's one of mine, actually.

- Maybe just put that outside.

- Oh, you're shitting me.

- Melanie.

- This is better than my place.

- Ainsley. - Where is my husband?

- I mean, it's plugged in.

It's connected, but just nothing.

- Honeys, I'm home.

What?

- Well first, the oven appears to be a lemon, and second,

- Your wife's upstairs.

- How did she know?

- Maybe because you tagged your location

on Instagram eight times.

I can't believe you did it.

- You told me to leave.

- So you take my advice for the first time in your life

and you do this?

- [Ben] I'm sure I'll grab some frozen peas if you want 'em.

- That's not quite what I had in mind when I said greens.

Ben's kindly picked us up some dinner materials.

I've got microwave rice and tacos, not a natural marriage.

Hello.

- This is my wife, Mel.

Mel, this is Ben and Liz.

- Hey.

- I think we might go upstairs.

- Were we expecting the wife to pop in?

- We were not.

[door knocking]

Ains, do you know what happened to my bedroom boxes?

Mel's convinced that I packed her Shake Weights.

- Are they in the garage?

- I really am sorry about Mel.

I honestly didn't know that I was tagging myself.

I think it must have been an automatic setting or something.

- She's still here?

- I'm actually really worried about her.

I don't think she can drive.

She's saying that she still loves me,

but I just don't know what to think.

- I don't know, either.

- What do you think I should do?

- Trust your heart.

[soft music]

For everyone else on Earth, it's a simple equation.

You like someone, you tell them,

and either it works out,

or it doesn't.

- Mel, I already said I'm so sorry.

I was just, I was angry about your text

and I was just firing back.

If you lie to someone, what are they supposed to think,

that you're just not gonna be there?

[loud moaning]

- Interesting couple, aren't they?

Oh my God.

- Liz, the table, quick.

- Turn off the shower!

Lachlan, stop the shower.

- The mains, I'll hit the mains.

Lachlan, we've got a leak.

Turn off the shower.

- There's water coming into my room!

- We've got a leak.

Turn off the shower.

- [Lachlan] One minute.

[Liz screaming]

- [Ben] Liz, are you okay?

- Oh, God.

- [Harry] Lachlan, it's leaking all over everything

in the living room.

It's gonna be damaging the roof.

- [Ben] It's locked.

- What do you mean, it's locked?

- I'm coming in.

Turn off the shower.

Holy shit, I'm sorry it's as weird as this.

- What the hell is going on?

- A leak problem, mate, we got a leak problem.

I'm sorry for the disturbance.

I didn't see a thing.

- [Lachlan] What leak?

- [Ben] Shit, sorry.

- The water was draining fine.

- You didn't hear the chorus of blood-curdling screams?

- I might head off.

- I should probably stick around here for a bit.

- Oh, you think?

- I love you, bye.

- Yeah, so I reckon the problem's the piping.

- The piping in what sense?

- There's none.

That drain goes straight into the roof, Kevin,

he's not even a proper renter.

That's putting a shower without connecting it up.

- So we bought a $2.5 million house

with no functional plumbing?

- Upstairs yeah, but downstairs is all right,

except the wiring's being dodgy.

- What was the building report for?

- I did, we chose a visual report.

I sent through the options.

We all agreed a visual was the cheapest.

- You are both professional real estate agents.

- Okay, what I think we need right now

is a moment of gratitude.

I'll start.

I'm grateful that we have at least

partially functioning plumbing downstairs.

- And you know, moving is very stressful,

but we should all remember

that it's always darkest before the night.

- Dawn, before the dawn. - Dawn.

- I'll have a go.

I am grateful that George Foreman

didn't get hurt in the flood.

- I wish I had never been born.

- [Harry] Come on, that's not helpful.

- Sorry, it's been a really rough year.

- Ains?

- Actually, I'll go one more, if I may.

I'm grateful to you, Ains, just for being you

and bringing us all together,

'cause I tell you what.

If this is ground zero, I can't wait for the rebuild.

- Thanks, Ben.

[soft music]

- Liz, Liz.

Hey, your room looks like a flood zone,

and mine is dry as a bone, so if you wanted to come in.

- Oh. - No, no,

look, it might not look like it,

but I'm actually a massive fan of the outdoors,

so if you wanted my room without me in it,

you're welcome to it.

- Oh Ben, that is so lovely.

I couldn't, but thank you for being so gracious.

- That's all right.

- I realize I haven't been my best self,

and it has nothing to do with you.

I've just had a bit of a tough time lately.

- Well listen, tough times don't last, tough people do.

- When the going gets tough, the tough get going.

Billy Ocean, 1986.

[cell phone ringing]

- Mom.

- [Manju] How's your new home?

- Oh, it's great.

It's very busy and atmospheric.

- How's Elizabeth?

She must be happy.

Her plan has finally come to fruition.

- She's good mom, everyone's just settling in.

How's your night been?

- I tried to watch a movie, but it was too violent.

I had to turn it off.

It was too frightening, being here in this big house alone.

- The house is not big, mom.

- It is, it is for just one person.

Your father bought it thinking

it would be filled with grandchildren.

- I'm sorry, mom.

I miss you.

- I just heard a strange sound.

I must go.

[Harry sighing]

[soft music]

- Here's some more candles.

- Oh thanks, I think I'll just go to a hotel.

- We both know you're really angling

for an invitation to sleep with me,

and you've done it, mission accomplished.

- That's not my mission.

- You, me, wine, home reno shows.

That's always your mission.

- A little bit.

- I wouldn't even offer if I didn't have the good sheets on.

- Everybody knows that.

No one meant to snap at you.

It was a tense situation.

I'm just about to leave, so can we talk about this?

Looks like I'm in the doghouse again, record time.

Ains, is this insane?

Me trying to make it work with Mel?

What do you reckon?

- I can't say.

- Oh, come on.

You know our relationship better than anyone.

- No, I don't know.

- Come on, Ains.

I honestly think that we would have broken up years ago

if it hadn't been for you.

- What?

- Well, it's just that you give the best advice.

- Is that how you see me, as your advisor?

- No, well I mean, partially, yes.

But you're also my work wife and my best friend.

You're like a sister to me.

- I've been in love with you the entire time.

- What?

But you never said anything.

- I think it was pretty clear.

- There's been a couple of drunken nights, yeah.

- Four, there were four drunken nights,

and I was sober every time.

And then there were the two surprise birthday parties

and the cheer up Lachlan laser tag,

and the time you dislocated your shoulder

and I did a therapeutic massage night court,

so if there was ever a way to get close to you,

I took it, even if it was ridiculous.

Even if it was buying a five bedroom house.

- Oh, God.

I'm sorry, I think I've just had my mind caught up

in the whole Melanie situation or something.

I'm sorry.

I'm awful, aren't I?

Sorry.

[Lachlin sobbing]

- Yep, I'm finished here,

with this.

- What?

Ains?

- I cannot stay in this house with you.

[soft music]

- Mom, Ainsley's back.

She's crying.

- What happened?

- You were right.

- Boys, out, now.

- [Son] What?

- Look, I know it hurts right now, but Ains,

it's good this happened early.

It was always gonna be a car crash.

I mean, you managed to get out before impact.

- I'm still in the car, Heather.

- No, you're not.

You took a hit, but you got out.

You did this to move forward with your life.

- I am literally in the exact same place.

- That's bullshit.

You know, physically, obviously,

but in every other sense you have moved forward.

This could have gone on for years, decades even.

- What about the three other people

who have invested their life savings in this?

- That's on them.

- I convinced them to do it.

- Well, they should have known better.

Liz is a lawyer, for Christ's sake.

What was she thinking?

And Harry, he's a bloody doctor.

Not operating on me anytime soon.

If they couldn't see how disastrous this was,

- It wasn't disastrous.

I know you can't see that, but it wasn't.

At least it didn't have to be until I ruined it.

- You didn't ruin anything.

You saved yourself.

- I really hope you don't get like this

with the next tenant, love.

- It's not voluntary, Col.

- Look, I know you don't like self-criticism.

- It's not self-criticism if it's coming from you.

- I think you've gotten a bit over involved with Ainsley.

It's like you're trying to live her life for her.

- Ainsley's more than a tenant.

She's the one person here who really speaks to me

and listens and cares.

You stopped trying, Col.

Are you on eBay?

- I'm three minutes away from a French crock pot.

Recommended retail 295.

I'm about to snap it up for 61 bucks plus postage.

[birds chirping]

- Oh, Manju.

Good morning.

It's lovely to see you.

- Elizabeth.

- Mom.

- I won't pretend you were my first choice.

- Oh my God, this is not what it looks like.

It was an unexpected,

- Many members of our family are very traditional.

- No mom, it's really,

- Deep, deep down, I'm a very modern woman.

Very, very modern.

Obviously I'd prefer a much younger Indian girl,

but let us put all of our quarrels behind us.

- Quarrels?

- If you love my boy, I'll find a way to love you.

- Thank you?

- Wait, where are you going?

- I thought I was ready, I'm not.

- Wait, was that food for me?

- Yes.

- [Ainsley] In the light of day,

it was hard to tell what hurt more,

the fact that I was back in the granny flat,

the fact that I'd racked up a half million dollar debt

on a lemon of a house,

or that I'd taken so many people down with me.

- You've got some balls, I'll give you that.

- I'm just here to see Ains.

- [Heather] You're not seeing her, turn around.

- It really doesn't have anything to do with you.

- Yes, it does.

You're on my property, turn around.

- Heather, I'm not sure what Ainsley might have said.

- Ainsley hasn't said a word.

I see you slinking up and down my driveway

every time your wife's had a guff.

- Heather, I'm sorry, but I now co-own a house with Ainsley

and we've got a lot to sort out.

- You're getting out of that place.

- Sorry? - You heard me.

- This has got nothing to do with you.

It's between me and Ainsley.

- There is no you and Ainsley,

and you've known that a hell of a lot longer than she has.

Show's over, mate.

For once in your life,

you're gonna do something vaguely honorable.

You're gonna get out of her life,

you're gonna go back to your bullshit marriage

and you're gonna wait for further instructions.

And don't you dare cry.

- Heath, what are you doing?

You can't make him move out.

- It's all right, I've already got a replacement.

- Who?

- Me.

- Yeah, no I've sent it to Andrew as well.

- This is nothing.

Well, you wanted a queen size mattress,

totally submerged for a good 20, 25 minutes.

Two days in the sun, good as gold.

- Sorry, why did you submerge a mattress?

- She's pretty attached to that phone, isn't she?

- Yeah, she's calling lawyers.

- I thought she was lawyers.

- Property lawyers.

She's trying to find some sort of an out clause,

give us a chance to wind this back.

- You think she's having any luck?

- No.

- Does Colin know about this?

- Not exactly, no.

- Hang on, maybe I should go alone.

The others might not be okay with this,

and it'll be easier for them to say no if you're not there.

- That's exactly why I'm coming.

Hang on.

Force along, let's go.

- Okay, I have spoken to three property lawyers,

and they all agree.

There is no winding it back.

- Right now, the glass is very much half empty.

- It's completely empty, Harry.

There's no glass.

- Jesus, what's that smell?

- Where did you go last night?

You just disappeared.

- Sorry, I had to leave.

- Where's Lachlan?

- Lachlan probably won't be joining us.

We have something to propose, or to discuss.

A shakeup.

How would you feel, honestly,

if Lachlan were out and Heather were in?

- I don't mean to be rude,

but would your husband and boys be in your room with you?

- No, not exactly, we'll go into that.

This whole idea, getting this place,

it was because I needed somewhere to live.

- Well, not so much needed.

- No, I wanted my own place.

And also I was hopelessly in love with Lachlan.

- We were across that.

- Really?

I thought that I kept it pretty well.

- Not even slightly.

- I'm sorry if you want to throw it all in, I get it.

I'm sorry.

- We can't throw it in,

at least not without losing a ton of money.

- Sorry, that's not right.

- What if we gave it a year,

and if it remains a disaster this time next year, we sell?

It couldn't be any worse than living with my mother.

- Well mate, even with the Dodge warriors,

it's a big step up from the Caravan.

- I'm not gonna trust myself with any decisions for a while,

but if it's what the group wants.

- Six months, on two conditions.

No more surprises, and no sex.

- At all? - Not between housemates.

- Agreed.

♪ Our lives covered in smoke

- Six months.

- Why is he holding up his fist?

- Six months.

- Do the fist thing, Heather.

- Is this like a sexual thing? - Just do it.

♪ You were a landslide covered in dirt ♪

- Six months.

- And for what it's worth, Ains,

from my perspective, Lachlan's got some real problems,

not seeing you for the ripper package that you are.

- Ben, I repeat, no sex between housemates.

♪ You were a harsh cry, hard to be heard ♪

- It's just some drinks and nibbles.

- Five singles ready to mingle.

- He thinks he's just been invited to a sex party.

- Enjoy the housewarming.

- Sorry, housewarming?

- Have to put an appearance, God help me.

- I have yet to communicate that I am living in this house.

- In terms of my love life, let me handle it myself.

- That's what I've been doing.

Where is the woman?

- I'm leaving.

- This is about the snoring.

- Oh, shit.

- Is this what's really happening?

Are you leaving me for that bloke?

- You're an idiot.

[soft music]