Original subtitles

- Oh shit, sorry, my name's Jason Severn.

I'm single, I got a 10 inch--

John wanted me to film our, say something

about our trip, I mean our boys

weekend, my winnings, so here I am.

It's gonna be a good time because

we don't really see each other often,

everybody has their own lives, so I think

this is a way of bringing us all together.

And...

That's it.

All right, so here's the plan.

We're waiting for Mike, Conrad, and Todd.

Boys weekend up north, fuck yeah.

- Get lost, man.

Do you mind?

- What are we bringing, tech man?

What and why.

- Why?

A source experiment of man in the wild

all the while keeping a watchful

eye on what is going around us.

We have the remote control, we have flashes,

and motion activated control camera.

- You're such a good wife Laura,

letting John go away to have a guys weekend.

It shows such trust.

- Well I trust him, not sure about you though.

What do you wanna drink?

- Whatever as long as

it's cold or hot, so, so hot.

I think this weekend footage,

we're all going to Hell from here.

- Here, get your hand around this

before you grip something else.

- Come on, that's not nice.

- All right, my name is Inigo Montoya.

You had sex with my papi.

Prepare to die.

Who is anybody?

We don't know who we are.

Come on, man.

I'm an architect.

All right, all right, all right, my name

is Mike, but my friends call me...

Mike.

One, there will be beer and ridiculous

amounts of alcohol consumed, and two,

there's no women, there's no women.

Jason, welcome to Sausagestock!

- All right, so who do we got here?

- Conrad, what's up?

- All right Conrad, tell us

a little about yourself, what do you do?

- What do I do?

I'm a baseball player.

- Oh you're a baseball player,

aren't you a gay shortstop in the rainbow league?

- You can go fuck yourself.

You're taking us camping somewhere.

I don't know, I'm just here for the ride.

- Okay, well are you excited at least?

- I mean it should be good right?

Weekend with the boys, why not?

- You look tired.

- It was a long night, all right?

I just wanna fucking get in the car,

I don't wanna see Todd's dumb ass.

- Was she good, you never told me.

- No, it was a good time.

- Yeah?

- But Todd probably doesn't know, he might, but it was good.

- I'm Todd Custer, I've known you

dickheads for too long and figured

I'd come on this camping trip to

look out for you guys, someone's got to,

and I'm a city guy, but I'm a nature

guy too and I like to go out in

nature and live with it, live amongst it,

but you know what's more fun is

going against it, man against nature.

Sometimes that's the most exciting stuff,

and you gotta take chances and

that's what I'm willing to do.

Case in point, going camping with you dickheads.

I'm a small claims lawyer, and I know

a lot of people haven't heard of a

small claims lawyer, but they exist,

I'm one of them, so obviously I exist.

Before that I ran a bunch of daycares.

Kids are cool, we need them.

I also made a lot of money, you'd be

surprised how much parents are willing

to dish out so you can just put

their kids in front of a television all

day and feed them crackers, it's amazing.

Do we have to talk about that, fuck, seriously?

Honestly, I thought we were having fun here.

- I'm just--

- I thought we were having fun, man.

- I know, I'm just asking.

- We're gonna have fun, fuck him, just forget

about talking about this, move on.

- Yeah, as much as you want.

Asswipe.

- All right, let's get 'er done.

- We've been traveling for days now.

I'm sure we're not gonna make it out here alive.

I fear for our lives.

God help us.

God help us!

- Sleep, Conrad.

Sleep, Conrad.

Sleep, Conrad.

Sleep.

time, chick pretty

partner, a lot of

like they

Chevy thing, top back

- Bomb brothers.

Hey Jas, what's the deal with Todd and Conrad?

- Don't you know, I thought you knew.

- No man, I know nothing about it.

I see the guy maybe twice a year.

- Look, I don't know if I should

be saying this on tape, you know the

guys are gonna see it at some

stage and it'll look pretty bad.

- Who cares, you can edit that out later.

What's the scoop?

- Todd recently found out that

Conrad slept with his wife years ago.

- No shit, while they were together?

- No no no no, long before that but it

doesn't sit too wee has issues with it.

Imagine fuck your wife.

- Fuck you.

Shit man, that's rough.

Don't blame him, man.

How come no one told me?

- Don't , here, let's go.

I won this off some Indian dude in a poker game.

I was into it for five grand.

He had no cash, had nothing right?

He his forfeit, he pulls out

this deed, must've been his nest egg,

his last resort to save his ass.

Fuck that, you weren't there,

it's legit, trust me, man.

The road map matches the map and all we

gotta do is match the symbols to the road signs.

I got a retirement plan, man.

It's all too fucking sweet.

- Hey man.

- Hey, what's up man?

- You mind if I videotape you?

- Yeah, sure.

- I know it sounds creepy,

we're doing this road trip documentary type

thing, we're going up to a place called Gitaskog.

- Nice, I'm actually on my way up

there, gonna be up with a couple of buddies.

- No shit.

- Yeah.

- Right on.

- What are you guys going up there for?

- We have a buddy of ours that

got some land, we're gonna check it

out, do some camping, what about you?

- I don't know, just gonna up there,

do a little spiritual healing.

Have the weekend off.

- Nice, a little spiritual

healing, got us some help with that.

Hey man, well we'll give you a shout if we see you.

- All right, bro, for sure.

- Take it easy, man.

What's that, we got ourselves a real estate tycoon?

- I wouldn't say that, .

- What's going on here, guys?

We should probably get out of here

soon, I'm getting tired and it smells.

- That's it?

That's your binding contract?

What a waste of time.

- Hey, get off, Todd.

- Oh man.

- That's the place you're taking us?

Man, this better not be a waste of time, dude.

- It's legit, trust me, man.

This is how they do this in the Northern Indian Reserve.

Anyway, let's get going 'cause I don't

wanna get this weekend to run away on us.

on the left hand side

on the left hand side

- Sleep, wake up.

- He's sleeping now.

- He's sleeping.

- He's sleeping, yeah.

- You're lucky this time.

- Pass 'round and drag the spliff here now.

- You guys have any idea how close we are?

- We're lost.

- We are lost.

- No shit.

- Yup.

- Well this place looks pretty cool.

- Hey, moose antlers, maybe they

got moose meat on the menu.

- All I know is they better have some decent food.

- Better have beer, that's all that matters.

- Thank you, Todd.

- Thanks, asshole.

Cut the fucking camera.

- Dude, you finished already?

You're eating way too fast, man.

- Bad for the digestion, bro.

- Look who's talking.

- Speaking of which,

where you been buddy, .

- Oh man, just sank the Titanic in there.

Hope this place has insurance.

- I doubt it.

Looks like a real native joint,

I don't think they go for things like that.

- Yeah, probably right.

Typical Injun shit.

- Hey man, watch how you say things around here, dude.

And get your own fucking fries.

- Hey guys, check out the old Indian dude over there.

Chief Dan George.

- You've done it now man.

- Shut the fuck up, shut the

fuck up, shut the fuck up.

- .

- Are you guys done?

- Yeah yeah, we're done, we're done,

we're done, we're done, thanks.

- Maybe I can grab you guys some beer?

- No no no no no, no thanks, we actually

gotta be hitting the road, we're

trying to find Gitaskog Lake actually.

- Is it around here?

- Yeah, yeah, big lake, can't miss it.

Not far from here, just off the 406 highway.

Anyway, I'll get you your bill.

- Thanks.

- That thing isn't filming--

- Come on guys, we could've stayed there

a lot longer, I was having a lot of fun.

- Are you kidding me, did you hear the vibe in

there, you felt it man, you were not loved.

- You guys nuts, we were not welcomed in there.

- Man, you could've cut it with a knife.

- Yeah, more like a tomahawk.

- Anyway, we're getting pretty close right?

- Yup.

- Set up camp when we get there

and you can eat all your want.

There's some chocolate bars in the

meantime if you can't wait that long.

- Hey, hey guys!

- What, we .

- No, is that camera on?

- No no, he turned it off.

- Look, I didn't wanna mention

this back there, but if I were you

guys, where you're going, I wouldn't go.

- Why's that?

- You guys are gonna think this is some

Indian myth mumbo jumbo, but that land is sacred.

Especially at this time of year.

- We respect that man, we're not

here to desecrate the land or anything.

- Why's their land so important at this particular time?

- You won't believe me, you'll

think it's some crazy Indian talk.

But to my people, especially the

elders, they take it very serious.

It's called The Lake of The Gitaskog.

- Yeah, so?

- Gitaskog is a creature that my people,

the Algonquin people, said once roamed the lake.

Well with the coming of the white

man, she fled to the bottom.

But every couple generations she

comes back to feed and to spawn.

My people, they worship but fear the Gitaskog.

- That's a great story and all,

but with all due respect, we don't

really believe in such things, all right?

I'm hoping to do more than just some weekend camping.

I have a deed for some property up here,

I might make it more of a regular thing.

- What deed?

No one man owns any land here.

It's all government owned.

This land is sacred.

- Trust me my friend, we got it from one of your own.

Anyways, thanks for the heads up.

- You're making a big mistake!

- Yeah, cheers, kemosabe, but you know what?

I think we'll take our chances.

- Thanks for the chow bud, burgers were great!

Peace!

- You don't believe that shit, do you Jas?

- I don't even think the Indian dude

believes it man, he seemed a bit embarrassed.

It's a free country, let them have their beliefs

and we have our own, and fuck it,

we own this place just as much as they do.

He was trying to spook us out.

- 50 bucks on anybody that spots the beastie.

- Fuck that, you get it on film, you can ask your own price.

Ogopogo jackpot, bitches.

- Ogopogo?

- Yeah, fucktard, where you been?

Canadian Loch Ness Monster.

- Look, fucking that's in BC.

- Hey Edinburgh, don't steal my fucking line.

- Jason, do you have any idea where we're going?

- Yeah, I think I pretty much have it figured out.

- I swear guys, it should be fucking right around here.

- Jas, face it man, you suck at

reading maps, let me have a crack at it.

- Look, you can have a map of my crack.

Look, I'll find the damn place.

- Hey hey hey, I say we still have

enough time to head back to the city

and find ourselves a nice .

- You know I'm down with that. - Yeah yeah yeah.

- We can do that any old time,

this weekend's about doing something different.

- Different my ass, you just came out here

to stake out your bogus real estate claim.

- Yeah, no shit.

- It ain't bogus.

- Isn't it a deed to Sitting Bull Summer Resort?

- More like Sitting Bullshit.

- Fuck, does anybody got bars?

- Fuck no, I have no signal.

I have nothing.

- I got it, let's fucking go.

- We're lost again.

Guys, we're lost again!

- Lost.

- Guys, it should be right around here.

- I'm done.

Fuck this.

- Yo, I saw a marking, let's fucking go.

Oh check that out.

Check that out.

- What the hell?

- Easy, Christopher Columbus.

- Fucking right, man.

- Dude, that looks creepy.

- Hey, don't touch that shit, John!

- Woo, we found it, fuck!

- The fuck is that?

- I can't believe we found it John.

Watch yourself, eh buddy?

- Dudes, this is creepy.

- That means we're close.

- Watch it, Johnny.

- Hurry up, you're complaining

so much you guys are moving like slowpokes!

- I don't know man, I got a bad feeling about this.

- Easy, easy. - I'm fine, I'm fine.

- We don't know what .

- He was fucking right for a change, man.

- I don't know man.

- Right?

- Wrong.

I don't know, this is creepy.

- Jason, my man, you came

through, you came through, look at this.

It's not a resort, but it'll do.

You came through, bro.

- Quit your fucking whining.

Who knew gambling would've paid off right?

- Hey check this out, fucking barbecue.

Natives are getting modern.

- Hey, dibs on the upper bunk.

- Me too man, me too,

- Hey, look at the fucking lake, man.

It's unreal.

- Look at that, beautiful.

- Beautiful.

- Woo!

- Yo, swimming boys?

- Down to the river.

- Faggot!

- Oh shit, check out this fucking cliff.

- Did you guys manage to

get a signal yet or what?

- Who cares, we're in the wild man.

- Nada for me, come on, let's dance!

- John, you getting this?

- I'm getting it, I'm getting it.

Okay, let me get a good shot here.

- Oh the humanity!

- Check this shit out.

Woooo!

- Waaah!

- get that back front flip.

- Hey put that camera down and get

the fuck in here, get your !

- Holy shit John, you got a bunch of tech shit, eh?

- Seriously, don't mess it up, man.

- Is that waterproof?

- Yeah, so it's not waterproof.

- Yeah I know, I was trying to hop it for awhile.

- All right guys, I'm gonna here.

- Hey Conrad, how you holding up?

I know the only fucking pools you have

in the hood were created by fire hydrants.

- Yeah real funny, fucking Patrick Duffy.

- Where do you even pull that shit from man, .

- We got plenty of TVs

in the hood, get educated, fool.

- Whatever, dude.

- Hey, fucking dickhead!

- No manners, eh?

Doesn't have any country lake etiquette.

, man.

- It's what you call the wilderness, boys.

- Whoa, something just went by my leg.

- Man, it's probably your imagination, chill.

- Someone or something?

- Something just went by my leg again.

- Bro, it's probably Mark just hamming it up.

You're creeping me out, enough of that shit.

- How often do you hold your fucking breath for?

- Not this long.

- What the fuck?

Fuck!

- What the fuck?

- Jay!

- Where the fuck did he go?

- Jay!

- What the fuck--

- Trophy!

- Fucking assholes.

Fuck!

- Now you're nature boy!

- Woo!

Look, here he comes, Jas, come and get it!

Come and get it!

- Give me my fucking shorts back!

- It says extra large but small pouch!

- Little baby!

- Look, they're gonna catch a fucking Gitaskog right here.

- Go fuck yourselves.

Give me my fucking--

- Go, go, get out of here !

Ow, fucker!

- Holy shit, this is a fucking

pretty cool place you got here, Jas.

So fucking lucky.

Jesus, you know what, I'm gonna

fucking call you Horseshoe Poker Bitch.

- You gonna do any work?

- Uh, fuck you.

- Oh yeah, fuck me?

Fuck you. - Watch it, man.

- Fuck, you're gonna break John's camera.

- Yeah, and I'm gonna break your fucking jaw.

- Idiot.

- You're a little pussy, you know that right?

- You're a pussy.

- Yeah?

I'm a pussy, who's got the

fucking ammo in their hands?

- Keep working.

- Oh buddy.

I invited you to my place.

You better shut the fuck up.

- It's pretty and all up here man, but Jason,

there's nothing to fucking do up here.

- I fucking like it, man.

- There's no restaurants, no shops.

- I fucking like it man, it's tranquil.

- Screw tranquil man, you spend more

than a week up here you'll be

fucking bored out of your mind.

- Man, this is a fucking goldmine

waiting to happen to man, and it can,

it fucking can be . - Gold!

- No, shut the fuck up, and by the

time I retire, it'll be fucking

booming with new development, it'll be

the new fucking Spring Break destination.

- Spring Break?

- Yeah, Spring Break.

- An old and young bitches.

What a guy, fucking crazy. - You know, whatever man,

I'll be fucking rich, and for ladies it's

not about the bulge in front of

your pants, thanks fucking God,

it's about the bulge in your back pocket.

- Well we've seen both your bulges

and you ain't going anywhere, buddy.

- Yeah, all right.

- Whoa, you almost stepped on this fucking,

now look at this rock, look at this fucking rock.

This is a skimming rock.

- What a fucking clown.

- This is the holy grail of all fucking rocks.

- You're a fucking idiot.

- I fucking--

- You're skipping in a fucking current!

You fucking dumb shit!

- Get this rock on film because

you're not gonna this rock ever again.

- Watch this moron go.

- Ready?

- One, one, one in a fucking river.

- Well what's your fucking record?

- 12, 12.

- 12.

Fucking .

- Fuck you man.

- It could've been better.

- Once you clear this fucking brush,

it's gonna be cottage, cottage,

cottage, money--

- Who the fuck's gonna build a cottage here?

Whoa whoa whoa, check it out man, human sighting.

- There you go Jas, your first new neighbor.

- Fuck that.

- Careful Jason, looks

like a bit of a weirdo to me.

- Hey old man, anything biting?

Oh look at you.

- No, nothing biting today.

- Is the fishing normally good

up here, are you local or just loco?

- Not a local as such, I come up from time to time.

- Yeah?

- You filming a movie?

- No, no, not a movie.

- Ah tourists, hey you care for

a lipper, it'll get you dizzy.

- No, no, we're good. - No man, I'm trying

to cut back actually.

- You go dancing in those boots?

- Have you seen the lady?

- The lady?

- Lady?

- Yeah, the lady of the lake.

- Yeah, the lady of the lake.

- She's a beauty, flirts with me all the time.

- Well you're a beauty.

- Rocking with that shirt you got on here.

- But I don't bite.

- No no, why would you,

your standards are higher than that.

- She entices me all the time.

- I'm sure she does.

- But I won't be pulled in.

- No no.

- Kinda immune to her now.

- Yeah, and Jesus is Croatian.

- She'd be more after a--

- Whoa, hey buddy. - Whoa!

- Young fella like you.

- We'll just leave you to it.

You keep searching for that lady!

- Yeah, you keep doing that, .

- I don't know if it's that lady you're searching for!

- He's still looking at us, man.

- See that, that was fucking creepy.

- Yeah, very creepy.

Still looking at us guys.

- Is he still fucking looking?

- He's looking at us.

Queer.

- Hey, get some sleep!

- You know you can never be too sure.

This way while we sleep we take note of what

animals are watching or coming close to our camp.

- How many of these do you got John?

- Just two man.

- Just two, really?

- Yup.

Just gonna turn this one on.

- See this, this is something

you never get in the city.

Beautiful sunset, trees, quiet water.

Man, it's so pretty.

Look at that.

Quiet, calm.

What the fuck?

What the hell, what was that?

You boys ain't gonna believe it.

- What happened, ?

Toss it on the fire, man.

- No no no, I got it on tape.

- Oh yeah.

- .

- Trust me, it's huge.

Big fucking, you look for yourselves assholes.

Where's John?

- He's getting to know nature 101.

- That's fucking gross.

- All right, let's have a look at the footage.

Let's check this shit out.

- Look at this shit.

Fucking look at this.

- You're fucking had them going man.

- Look at this.

- That's a fucking lake trout or pike man,

those fucking bastards are huge in this area.

Why do you think this fucking lake is so protected?

- Come take a look at this.

- Chill, let me take the

fucking camera, shut the fuck up

and put the cam down, let's go.

- Look at this, right here.

- I don't know man.

- Right here.

- Shut the fuck up, I don't know,

it could be a rift in the tide

or the maybe.

I don't know, it'd be pretty cool to

post it on net, add some fuel to ol' myth.

But otherwise from that--

- You guys are fucking blind!

- We're blind, you're retarded.

- It's a fucking genuine Gitaskog.

- Hombres, if there is something out there,

I promise you it'll be buenos tardes, amigos.

- The fuck did you bring that for, Todd?

- Why do you have a gun?

Whoa whoa, hey.

- What, what what what?

- Why do you have a gun?

- It's a shotgun.

- No shit asshole, why do you have a shotgun?

- Yeah seriously Todd, what is that?

- It's a shotgun.

- Yeah, no fucking shit, but what

are you bringing it here for, Sundance?

- We're in nature, it's a legitimate sport.

- Hunting?

Are you out of your fucking mind?

- It's a legitimate sport.

- Get the fuck outta here with that.

- There's no fucking sport in that, all right?

Like it's a challenge to kill

some deer with a fucking gun.

Where's the fucking bag?

- It's in the bunk, man.

- You're a retard.

- Hey, we're in nature, it's a legitimate sport.

- Legitimate sport my ass.

- Hey, when in the woods you do as the natives do.

- A legitimate sport's UFC, you want

me to kick your fucking ass all over here?

- Whatever, man.

You'll be crying, you'll be crying when

you're out of liquor and you have no money

and you need me to go rob the liquor store.

I ain't doing it for you.

- Keep fucking drinking.

- You're fucking hammered.

- Flabby Gabby over here.

- Flabby Gabby, where'd the fuck did you get that from?

- It's fucking hot man.

- Hey John.

Come on man, this is the life, you know.

- It's good, dude.

- Some good beer and smoke.

Just the boys.

- You know what?

We gotta do this more often, man.

- This is what happens when life moves forward.

- What?

- I don't know man, you get married,

you get a job, have fucking kids.

- That's life buddy, that's life.

- And the next thing you know you're fucking old.

- You're gone, man.

- Yeah, you don't got time for the boys.

- Boys?

Fuck, we could use a few chicks.

- Yeah, definitely need some chicks.

- I won't disagree with that,

it's a bit of a sausage fest.

- All right, why don't you go

over there and fucking jerk off man?

- Maybe I will.

- Shut the fuck up man, see, a chick,

a chick would ruin the whole fucking dynamic.

- Exactly, fuck right there.

We can chill here, we can do what we

want here, and say what we want here, it's

nice to have some peace for a fucking change.

- You said it, brother.

Bam.

See, with a chick there's no bullshit

hidden agenda stuff, you know?

The fucking complaining, the fucking nagging?

You guys can fucking relate to that.

Here we're with the fucking boys, we

can drink what we want, smoke what we want.

- Hallelujah!

- Fucking piss where we want.

- Amen.

- And be how we are.

Just fucked up logic.

- Yeah, but some crazy irony, man.

They're these creatures that are so

alluring yet they're so fucking repulsive.

- God is a bitch!

- I don't know, fuck, maybe he's gay.

- Gay guys do seem happy, man.

- I don't know, Todd kinda seems down a lot of the time.

- Gay.

- Got you, eh?

- Fuck, all right, y'all funny.

- Bottom line is women, they just don't seem happy.

- You know what, happiness is just

a matter of realizing your expectations

or your limitations and not going beyond them.

- That's fucking deep.

- Limitations man, you know what,

you know what's fucking women's

limitations is they're never fucking happy.

- I don't know, yeah they are,

you ever even been with someone serious?

- Yeah.

- That's fucking--

- Sad, .

- But here, the qualities that women look for

in a man are honesty and a sense of humor.

You know why is that right?

- No, tell us.

- 'Cause they possess .

- Man, y'all bitches have some serious issues.

- What are you, man?

Black alpha?

- Hey, I don't get no complaints

in that department, sweetheart.

- Sure, bud.

- Hey, you know what they say, once

you go black you never go back.

- Yo yo, hold on, hold on, you know

that is the one fucking outrageous

stereotype that you guys actually support.

- Hey, hey, porn don't lie.

- Yeah it does.

- You know what, I'll fucking say this

man, the fucking, the guys at the top?

Black guys at the top, man, they're a fucking anomaly.

It's a fucking stereotype that

you're all too willing .

- I don't know what you're talking about.

This ain't no myth, don't make

me unleash the real Gitaskog.

- Yo, relax man.

- All right, all right, all right, I'll fucking admit

it, some of you black guys got major horse dick.

You know what?

When it comes to the fucking screen,

you guys are all money shot deprived.

- What you talking about?

- Hey, the porn don't lie.

- It's like you guys are fucking

either over the top Hulk or you're nothing.

- It's like this.

It's like this, hold on, let me do it.

- The hell do they .

- Hey, I don't know what the fuck

you're laughing at motherfucker,

that's not what your wife got.

- The fuck you say?

- Yeah you heard me, motherfucker.

- What the fuck did you say?

- You heard me, motherfucker,

you want some . - Todd, come on man.

Dudes, dudes!

- Hey hey, yo, yo, the fucking two of you!

Come on, settle the fuck down!

- Okay okay, all right all right.

- Shut the fuck up, we're

supposed to be having a good time and you're

acting like a couple of bitches all right?

- Come on, Conrad.

Conrad.

- Hey, Conrad!

Conrad, Conrad!

Shut the fuck up and grab a seat!

And relax.

- Yeah man, I--

- fucking joint .

- I'm out of this scene.

- All right, fucking do it man.

- Why you gotta be such a fucking retard sometimes?

- Hey he started it--

- Shut the fuck up, you know he doesn't like that!

Would you like anybody knowing that they fucked your wife?

- Not my fault, man.

- Oh it's not your fault, man, it's not my fault,

I'm so cocky and arrogant, it's not

my fault man, it's never my fault, man.

- What do you got,

what do you got, what do you got?

- Shh, shh. - Tell me what you got.

- I got this bear simulator.

It's gonna be really loud.

It's gonna scare the shit out of the boys.

- Fucking no way, no way, no way.

Okay, let's do this. - Shh, shh.

- Fuck you wait wait wait.

Focus, .

You got it?

- Yeah I got it, okay.

- Got it?

- He's got a little stick,

he's got a little stick.

- Shh, those guys are here.

- What the fuck is going on?

- Fucking bear, it's a

fucking bear, it's a fucking bear.

- Clint Eastwood, buddy.

Come on.

- Where'd it go, you see it?

- Jason's got a stick.

I'll bet you Todd's gonna go get the shotgun.

- Where's the bear man, I'm gonna put it on my wall!

Is it a grizzly?

- Whoa whoa whoa. - Whoa whoa.

- It's us, it's us dude!

Easy buddy, easy.

- Next time I'm gonna shoot you!

- Oooh, I'm shaking, Gunsmoke.

- Aww, did you guys get all scared and stuff?

- Aww, sweetheart.

- What's wrong with you guys?

- We wake you up?

Awww, I'm sorry.

- Fuck off, asshole.

- Dude, where'd you get that machete?

- Awww.

- Jason's mad.

- Gonna fucking use this on you, man.

- Oh yeah, cry me a river.

- Next time.

It's day one here.

I don't know what the fuck's going on, but I know...

I'm fucking scared.

- Shouldn't you be having

that snot running from your nose?

- .

Something's wrong with me.

- We're in a lot of trouble, if you

see this get help, get help now!

- I'm fucking scared.

- I'm scared 'cause we ran out of beer, man!

- No!

There's no beer!

What are we going to do?

- Sleep your fucking lives away, what a waste.

Sweet win, you poker bitch Jas.

Breathe it in.

- Man, you get a look a that?

- Some nice work.

- Thanks.

- I didn't know you had talent,

you been doing it for long?

- This work, this kinda thing I've

been doing for about half an hour.

- How come Mike isn't in this sketch?

- Isn't it obvious?

His fucking limited pallete can't

handle this much natural beauty.

- Yeah, speaking of limited talents, where's Conrad gone?

- He went on some nature hike.

- Nature hike?

Really?

- Yeah.

- I guess there are not too many trees in "da hood".

Catch anything, Mike?

- Nada, man.

Not even a fucking nibble.

Very strange, this fucking lake

should be crawling with fish,

I think something scared them away.

- Hey, there are a couple of native

guys up in the hills looking down this way.

- Yeah, I noticed them before,

I'm trying not to pay attention to them.

- Are they spying on us, it's kinda creepy.

- They're definitely looking down this way.

- Hey!

Ahoy there!

Ahoy there!

- They're natives, they're not pirates.

- What the fuck?

- Guys, come on!

Guys guys, come on!

Mike, Mike, you okay?

- You got him?

- I think he hit his head.

- Here hold him, put him down carefully,

Mike, Mike you okay?

Mike, buddy, man, speak to us.

Thank fuck, he's coming to.

- Did you see what happened?

- No I missed it, I was

looking in the hill .

- He's coming around, he's coming around.

Mike, you okay bud?

- fuck.

- Did you see what happened?

- No, I missed it, I was looking

out for the Indians .

You okay Mike?

- Motherfucker.

- John man, put that down for a bit, eh?

You can't smoke and drink and film, give it a rest.

- Nearly shit my pants earlier though.

- Thought we lost you, already counting the extra beers.

- Yeah you would, cockstrap.

I swear I was pulled in.

- Mike man, just admit it, you slipped, man.

You know it's the most dangerous sport in the world.

- Fucking right, if the sport was

that crazy they'd make it sexier.

- No, it's sexy enough.

- They'd give you bigger guys pulling

bigger fish pulling hot chicks and

you'd be getting bigger sponsors.

Hands down.

- Listen, Mike.

- What?

- You fucking slipped.

- I'm telling you man, I was lifted off that rock.

Besides, fucking Conrad caught something earlier on tape.

- He caught a ripple catching a shadow, that's about it.

- Yeah, come on man, just give it a rest.

- Hey Mike, have some of this.

- All right man.

- I'd rather savor my Monte Cristo .

That's espanol.

- Say hello to your little friend.

Gay espanol.

- Yo, I remember the time when,

you guys actually remember old Miss Skinner?

- Miss Skinner, holy God man.

I was remembering her way before you came along.

- Why were you always remembering her?

- I know about her man, I know about her.

- You must've had her when

she was coming up on retirement, man.

- Are you kidding me, that

old bag was born retired.

- All right, okay, whatever.

Aside from that man, it was probably

after you guys fucking hauled asses,

but do you remember, ah fuck, do you

remember the time when she--

Ugh, fucking gross, dude.

- That was fucking huge!

- Thanks for my story.

- Jesus Christ, the sheer volume of that.

- I fucking cropped that deck.

- All right, yo, as I was saying,

remember the time when she--

- Holy shit, I've never smelled black fart before man.

- Come on guys, let me fucking finish the story.

- The fuck is that supposed to mean, cockslap?

I ain't human or some shit?

- No no no no no man, I was just

thinking I was expecting a fucking tinge

of Savannah mixed in with a hint of cornbread.

- Add a dash of watermelon.

- Black-eyed peas and fried chicken.

- Woo, Conrad!

Happy birthday boy, come on down here for

some friend chicken and some black-eyed peas.

- Fucking racism.

- What, you calling me a racist?

- You calling us racist man?

- Come on, get over it.

Lighten up, lighten up.

- What the fuck else, you Ku Klux fucks?

- Hey man, come on man.

The two of you man, what's wrong

with the world when you can't rip on your

boys for a little racial humor, you know?

Right, you dirty wop?

Yo, come on guys.

Let's drink it up.

- Come on, we're just kidding around, Conrad.

- Cheers.

Now as I was saying.

Old Miss Skinner--

- What the fuck was that?

- You saw a little girl right?

- It was a little girl, man.

A little girl.

Where the hell did she go, she just

disappeared just for a split second.

- Man, you guys are high.

- Yeah okay, we're fucking high,

but three of us seeing the fucking

same hallucination, I doubt it.

- You know what, I recorded it, I recorded it.

Let's take a look at it, let's

take a look at it right now.

- Okay okay okay, wait a minute,

wait a minute, wait a minute.

- Hey easy boys, don't get too excited.

- There, right there.

- What the fuck?

- Fuck.

- It's just a play of the light, man.

- Dude, that is no play of the light, okay?

It was right there, it was physically there.

- The fuck is that, a ghost, a spirit of some kind?

- Hey, if this was a fucking ghost

or a spirit, what the hell's it

doing sitting next to our fire?

- I'll tell you what, it's fucking

part of that Injun shit, that warning.

- I'm okay going anywhere so long as

we're having a good time, doesn't

matter where it is to me, let's get going.

- Let's pack it up, man.

Fuck, as long as I got countryside

and wilderness, good enough, all right?

Let's get our stuff, let's go

for the car, we'll set up somewhere else.

- All right, all right, fuck it man!

- Really, you filming this?

- We'll go, but not now.

It's late and it's dark.

And it was fucking hard enough

finding this place during the day,

so I don't wanna be chasing my hightail

ass out of here on these country roads.

We'll leave at first light.

What do you say?

- All right.

- All right, fuck it.

- The fuck is that, John?

John, what the fuck?

- I don't know man, what was that, what was that?

You hear that?

Shhhh.

- You guys heard that?

- Where the fuck was it coming from?

- I don't know man, this is crazy.

Shhh, shhhh.

- That's weird.

- I hear it over there, man.

- Oh shit, oh shit.

- I heard it over here, man.

- Be careful.

- Now I hear it over there.

- I don't know man, this is fucking loud.

- What's going on, man?

Fucking .

- I don't know.

- I fucking knew it.

It's not my imagination now.

- Never heard a fucking animal like that before, man.

It's definitely not a bear.

- No, no no, it's not a bear.

It's like a caribou.

- Fuck you know what a caribou is, man.

Only caribou you fucking know is Bullwrinkle.

- Fucking Bullwrinkle was a moose.

- Who cares, all right?

Whatever it was is far away enough, right?

- Yeah man, I don't know, man.

- Fucking you idiot.

- Fuck--

- Where's it coming from?

- Shhh.

- It's everywhere man, it's all around us!

Fuck, fuck.

- Let's just get some damn sleep.

It's not gonna do anything right?

- I don't know.

- Todd.

Todd!

- Yeah?

- Todd.

Todd.

Todd are you up?

- Shhh, of course I'm up man.

Listen to that sound, I've been listening to it all night.

I haven't slept a wink.

I can't believe those guys are sleeping through this, man.

- Shit, I can't sleep.

- Shhh.

- And it's coming this way too.

Fuck there it is again.

- Shhh!

- The fuck is that?

- Oh man, something is either really really pissed

or I'm having the worst nightmare in my life, man.

- You know what, first fucking thing we're out

of here tomorrow morning, first fucking thing.

- Believe me, I'll be ready, I'll

be packed, I'll be ready to go.

Staying overnight, this is crazy,

this is really crazy shit, man.

- Fuck.

- Another night of consumption.

You see this?

This right here is why you guys are seeing little girls.

Drunks.

So much for getting up at the crack of dawn.

Assholes.

Hey Gitaskog!

What the fuck is that?

Are you fucking kidding me?

She's naked, yup, she is fully fucking naked.

Oh my, and she's waving at me.

That is me right?

I'm the only one here and she is, oh my God.

You can't be serious, she is head to toe butt naked.

Fuck, I'm not gonna let her stand

there and get cold, I'mma get with her.

Fuck this.

You boys can enjoy a fucking show.

I'm going to get mine, fuck this.

- Seriously?

Fuck.

- Whoa, where the fuck's Conrad?

- He fucking took the other camera with him too.

- Yeah, 'cause he wants to get some good shots right?

- He took the camera with him to go take a shit?

Maybe something to do while he's fucking taking a dump.

- I didn't know that Conrad was a German.

- Hey, Conrad!

Hurry up, we gotta be making some good headway!

- He does know we're leaving this morning right?

- Yeah.

- Are you gonna help out?

- Hey Jas, it's been nearly an hour man.

I think we should go look for Conrad.

- Yeah man, you'd think he'd be back by now.

He's been gone, unless he's lost.

- Would he be dumb enough to get

lost on the morning we're leaving?

- All right, I don't want any more

of the day to run away on us, all right?

I suppose we have a quick look and

then finish the rest of this fucking after.

- Yo Conrad!

- Todd, you see Conrad?

- Where is he man, where the fuck did he go?

- He couldn't have gone far, he could've

gone back to camp for all we know right?

- Yeah, that sounds like Conrad.

- Yo Conrad!

- You'd think he'd hear us from here.

- Yo Conrad!

- What the fuck...

- What the fuck is that man?

- I don't know, it just came out of the water,

it tried to pull me in, so I shot it.

- What is it?

- It's dead, that's what it is.

- Maybe it's the Gitaskog.

- Come on.

- It's a mutant.

- Fuck that man.

- It's a beaver or something.

- Fucking mutant?

- What it is it's dead.

- What the fuck are you doing?

- Just checking.

- Chill the fuck out, man.

- That thing stinks.

- Oh fuck!

- Let's get the fuck outta here.

- Nice shot, nice shot.

- Hurry the fuck up, man.

Conrad!

- Let's go, we got enough of this on

Footage, let's go, let's go, let's go!

- Why are we always running?

- Mike, we'll be leaving shortly, so we might

as well just film our fucking exodus, all right?

Besides which, I want of film of whatever

comes off that laptop just in case we lose it.

- Yeah, I agree.

- Hey, here, here are the fucking

keys, you and Mike, go load the car

while I pack up Conrad's shit all right?

- We can't just leave the guy.

- Shut the fuck up all right?

We aren't, but there's no harm in packing

his shit while we're waiting for him, okay?

Quit fucking wasting time.

Hurry the fuck up! - All right man, fuck.

All right.

- Okay, fucking take it easy, fuck, shit.

The fuck .

- Hurry the fuck up, let's go!

What are you waiting for?

Man, this fucking trip is so fucking bullshit, John.

All I wanted to go was come here and check

out my fucking win and have a good time.

- You're not gonna fucking believe this.

Car's gone.

- What do you mean gone?

- The car's fucking gone.

- Are you fucking kidding me?

- Does it look like I'm kidding?

- Fuck man, what the fuck are we gonna do now, huh?

This is un-fucking-believable!

- Do you think that Conrad--

- Why would he do that?

- I don't know man, fucking played

a prank on us, spook us all, man.

We've been riding his tail all

fucking weekend man, maybe he's

just trying to get back at us.

- I got the only fucking keys,

can he actually hot wire a car?

- No man, I know him.

He may be black, but he can't hot wire shit.

- Why are we running?

- find Conrad!

- And how's running gonna help?

- Fuck Todd, all right.

We'll take a break when we reach up ahead.

We should get a pretty good view from up there.

We gotta move fast !

- Aw fuck it.

- Hello?

Conrad?

Fuck Conrad, is that you?

Stop fucking around!

Conrad.

That better not be you, man.

What the fuck?

That a little girl?

Hey, what are you doing here?

Little girl, you okay?

Oh shit!

Where'd she go?

What the fuck is going on?

Holy fuck.

- That camera on?

- Yeah, it's a nice bit of gear.

- You know you can't keep it right?

- All right, let's hurry this up.

- Fuck.

- Hey, where's Todd man?

- He was right behind me man.

- No, I thought you said he was coming.

And it's been a few good minutes now.

- Still a fair hike from there man.

- A fair hike?

- Easy, Jas, fuck.

- You'd think we'd be able to see him from here.

- We all knew where we were going, okay?

Todd said keep going and he'd meet us here.

- That's right, that's right.

- I think he'd yell out of that'd be the case.

- He was in trouble, he would have shot off his gun.

- Not if he's unconscious.

- All right, all right, all right!

Give him fucking five minutes, all right?

He doesn't show up...

We got no choice, we gotta go back and look for him.

- No, you go fucking look for him.

- Fuck, turn that fucking camera off!

- Todd!

- Todd!

- Fuck man, where is he?

- Todd!

- Todd!

Where'd he go man, the fucking

guy should've kept up with us!

- This was where we left him,

this is the place man, I'm sure of it.

- Where the fuck did he go then?

- I don't know, I don't know.

- Fuck man, where'd he go?

- You'd think he'd shoot his gun off

or something, let us know that he's lost.

- You'd think so huh, what if he can't?

- Bullshit, man!

Fucking goddamn nightmare.

- Thanks for overseeing the obvious,

you don't think I feel bad already>

Todd!

Todd, if you hear me, say something man!

I wanna get the fuck outta here.

Todd!

- Guys!

- Yeah?

- Come here!

- What is it, buddy?

- Hurry up!

- What'd you find?

- Look.

- It's a boot.

- It's not just a fucking boot.

You know who that belongs to.

- Man, I wanna fucking find Todd.

- Fuck, I'm fishing it out.

- Come on, man!

Todd!

Todd!

Oh man, can you fucking hear me?

- Ah, fuck me!

- Mike!

What the fuck is that?

Is that a fucking foot?

Is that fucking real?

- Of course it's fucking real, it stinks, man!

The fuck outta here!

If, if we get back, we gotta report this.

- Man, it's not if, all right, we're

getting out of here, it's just a question of when.

- And if the road ?

- I don't fucking know, but I'm

just glad we're getting away from that lake.

- At least we got this footage.

At any rate, I'm feeling a little bit safer now.

Just need to find a road and the goddamn car.

- Well so much for that right?

- Yup.

- Who the fuck are those guys?

- I don't like these guys,

man, they don't look too fucking friendly.

- Oh fuck, there's two more coming up this way.

- Maybe they can help.

- I think fucking helping us is the last thing on

their mind, let's hightail it out of here!

- Jesus, fucking run!

- Fuck you, Tonto!

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Thank God.

I think I got away clean.

I'm not too sure about Mike and John.

Although I did see one of them make it to the forest.

Hopefully they're safe--

- Jason.

- Shit.

What the fuck, Mike, thank God, man.

Good to see you.

- Oh you saved the camera, good work, man.

- Fucking hell.

Keep it running.

Keep it running

- You're bleeding, man.

- I don't know, it could be mine,

could be some fucking Indian's.

- What about John?

- I don't know, I don't know.

He was right beside me, just a little bit behind.

- I think they dropped him.

Fuck, I should've went back.

- Shhh.

- What's going on, Jas?

- I don't know.

- Why are these fucking Indians chasing us?

- What if that thing Todd killed...

Was the creature's offspring right?

What if we killed something sacred?

- Fuck sacred, man.

- Shhh.

- It was nothing more than a fucked up mollusk, man.

Acid contamination.

- Shut the fuck up.

- Fucking mutant.

I told you something weird was going on this fucking lake.

Even if it was fucking sacred,

why are they chasing us?

They didn't see us kill it.

No one was there, no one saw nothing.

- So why are they after us?

- I don't know.

That guy that warned us not to come up here.

He knows we've seen it now.

They don't want word getting out.

You know what I don't get?

What's bothering me?

Is why would that Indian give you a deed to this

place when he knows it's so fucking off limits?

- .

- Fuck.

- I know, I know, I know, I know.

We got the only decent knife here.

- Shhh.

- thank you for .

What is that?

- Drums?

Those Indians.

Fucking Indians.

- Shhh.

- I don't know man, just fucking listen.

Let's get to .

- Fucking hey man, look at this

man, are they trying to spook us?

How do they know where we are?

Oh Mike.

Mike!

Oh come on, Mike, where are you,

don't fucking do this to me, not now.

Mike!

Oh shit.

Mike!

Mike, come on, man!

Where the fuck are these guys?

Guys, come on, where are you?

Guys, where are you?

Guys.

Okay, so...

Come on, come on, come on, yes yes yes, come on.

All right, I don't know where the

fucking guys are man, there's some

fucked up shit going on over here.

I'm still trying to search for them.

I'm not losing hope.

Let's find these fucking guys.

Oh come on, come on.

This is too fucking steep.

Fucking road.

Road.

Fuck.

Hello?

Hello!

Hello!

What happened to the road, what the fuck?

Hi.

This is me, Jason Severn.

I don't know how much battery pack I have left.

I thought I should check in.

I think I'm the only one.

My friends are gone.

If I don't make it, I want this record

to be a testament, a record to what happened.

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

I've been walking for hours.

I don't know where I am.

There's a car.

That's my fucking car.

Whoa.

Got away from those fucking guys,

man, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me,

the fucking battery's dying, fuck!

Fuck.

Battery's going.

Soon I will too.

I'm scared.

I'm scared that I won't be able to make it.

get out of this.

I turned on the camera.

I hear sounds.

Like people chanting.

- What's happening? - What's going on?

- Where am I?

- Mike!

- What are y'all staring at?

John, John!

- John!

- Jas, help me!

Jas, where are you?

- This is so fucking man.

- Get me off this fucking thing!

Get me off this fucking thing!

What is that?

What am I hearing?

Help!

John!

John!

- Oh God.

- Jas, help!

- Oh God, Oh god.

- Help me!

- John.

Oh my God, man.

Fuck man, am I glad to see you.

You have to help me man, we should've listened, please, I--

to the shoes

that she knew it

to run through it

laughing at Cool Whip

how you sip that wine

and you hit so fine

but I'm not that kind

he's so big, I'm the best

where your legs attach

'cause of overtime

we is

to the shoes

break two or three

play around 'till I turn it on

pass her the ball

'cause I'm the star

from your head to your toe

morning then

that I'm a six game pro

with the key to the city

tattooed on their titty

and my dick get silly

stripped to the shoes

you're coming through

then it's on my mind too

boy, what you gonna do