All language subtitles for Baroness Von Sketch Show s03e10 My Bangs Do Not Define Me.eng

(SOFT COUNTRY MUSIC)

BARTENDER: These are compliments

of the gentleman at
the end of the bar.

- What?
- Yeah.

They were too spicy.

They're not very good, no.

But uh, I'll take the
blue cheese back though.

("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES)

? Me and my friends
will spike the punch, ?

? Rolling in the party
we'll start the fun ?

? Get fancy ?

? Hey Hey ?

? There's no clouds its just the sun ?

? Living in times that
are meant for fun, yeah ?

? Hold your breath a little longer ?

? Let's go dancing underwater ?

? Oh, oh, oh oh ?

DR. LOCKY: Melissa?

Hello.

DR. LOCKY: Hi, I'm Dr. Corrie Locky.

Pleasure to meet you.

Very nice to meet you.

Okay, well I'm
surprised that at your age

that you've never had a GP before.

Well it's just really hard.

I'm having such a hard
time finding a GP

that's taking on new patients.

- Yeah.
- Like, holy moly!

It can be hard in the city, yeah.

It is really hard.

Well listen, before I decide
to take you on as a patient,

are you comfortable answering
a few personal questions?

Oh my god, yes! Yes!

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Okay, great.
- Good.

Um, and I just need you
to answer them honestly.

What?! Oh no!

I have a problem now. I will.

Whatever you want me to do,
I'll do that.

I'll do whatever you're
thinking that you want,

- I'll do it.
- Great.

Okay good. I'll start
with an easy one,

do you smoke?

No! I'm just...

Yes.

Well that, (FUNNY VOICE)
what are you doing?

I do it, but like, it's just a, not...

- When I drink.
- When you drink?

- MELISSA: Yeah.
- Okay, how much do you drink?

Well, it depends how
much I want to smoke.

Can you give me a specific number?

Yes I can.

And I...

The normalest one.

Do you wanna give me a number?

Yes I do, and like,
I'm gonna use a scale

'cause I'm a math person,
so I'm a good person,

that you won't want me,

you will want me around.
So I'm gonna give you...

Okay, so what number
would you give me?

Like on a one to ten?

Sure.

What's the normalest
number in the middle?

Five, oh, I don't know.

- Five...
- Hoop.

A five.

Five cigarettes or drinks?

Cigs.

Cigarettes? Okay, and
how many drinks a week

would you say you have?

Mmmmmmmmmm.

- 31.
- 31?

- 11.
- 11?

MELISSA: 17, 6.

- DR. LOCKY: Six?
- Two.

- Two?
- Minus point five.

Five? And, are you sexually active?

Uhh, like I wouldn't
say that I go buck-wild

and rip my hair out or pinch
his nipples or anything,

but, what I,

but I don't lay there
like a lazy starfish.

What I'll do is, like,
an average pace.

- Okay. No I actually just...
- Like a soft roll.

Yeah, I just, um,

I just meant how many
partners do you have?

About...

- Normal.
- Normal?

You and me.

How many do you have?

I mean, whatever you have, I have.

- The usual, average.
- Just ballpark?

No, I've never had sex in a ballpark.

I will. Do you want me to?
What's it like?

I don't know if you know that,
but I'm gonna do that for you.

- Okay. Okay.
- And then you'll be my doctor.

- Melissa, Melissa.
- Yes?

It's okay, just relax.

- Relax, it's okay.
- Really?

DR. LOCKY:
It's okay to have a cigarette,

it's okay to have a drink,

it's okay to have sex.

None of that is gonna stop me

from taking you on as a patient, okay?

I'm sorry

and thank you so much,
and I apologize for any...

Don't worry, it's natural.

Okay so, what brings you here?

Well...

blrrr, drum roll!

I...

I'm thinkin' I'm gonna have a baby.

I'd like to have a baby.

- Oh!
- Yeah.

Oooh, actually in that case,

I'm not accepting patients.

I forgot to mention that.

- Not now, or ever, really.
- Wha...

Thanks, Felicia.

Till now. It's Melissa.

- Okay, whatever.
- Whatever.

- Thanks.
- Okay, thank you.

Okay.

- You can go.
- I'm still here.

- Okay.
- Okay.

(FOOTSTEPS)

Alice?

- Hi!
- Oh, hi!

Hi!

I didn't know you went to this church.

Oh, I just popped in.

Oh, well, don't let me
interrupt your prayers.

Oh, (LAUGHS) no, I wasn't praying.

I was trying to figure out
where to put my furniture

when this place goes condo.

Great natural light.

You can't beat the location.

Yeah.

I have some work to do.

Okay.

Hm.

Do you think they'd throw in
some of these bench things?

Certainly got a lot of them.

Nobody sitting in them.

Maybe if they had WiFi,

coffee bar.

Wouldn't have gone out of business.

(CLEARS THROAT) Just saying.

(GENTLE INSTRUMENTAL)

Okay.

I will be my own stylist.

Thank you, YouTube!

Oh, no.

Just thought it would be better.

Got a lot to play with.

Little trim here, little trim there.

You are

a good

person.

Uh oh.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(NERVOUS SQUEAL)

Believe in yourself!

(GRUNT)

I'm sweatin' like a pig.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Maybe this time.

Just even it out.

It's even.

Ho!

(BUZZING NOISE)

If I just got my nose done,

it would pull focus.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

You lived through the nineties.

You know what to do.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Terrible product.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Oh, that's better!

You got a lot there, so.

(EXHALES)

I don't know about this one.

I think I went to a dark place.

(PLAYFUL MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

No, I'm not from Paris.

I just cut my own bangs.

That's dumb!

Okay, that's not so bad.

This is really bad.

Take what off?

This is my bangs!

(YELLS)

I'll have the sushi.

(EXHALES)

I need to fix this.

My bangs do not define me.

You got that?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Uh, David?

- Hey.
- Hello, I'm Bangs.

Ah, Kim.

- Hi.
- Hi.

KIM: So nice to meet you.

Hi, welcome.

I'll have the hot spinach pasta.

WAITRESS: Anything to drink?

KIM: No thank you.

- WAITRESS: Nice bangs.
- Thank you.

My pubic hair is way better.

We'll get that to go, please.

(UPLIFTING MUSIC)

- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- Um, Andrea?

Mmm hmm?

TINA: I just need to file a complaint.

Is this the right place to do it?

Come on in.

I'm just gonna finish this.

Sit yourself down.

And...

I am here to listen.

TINA: So I was in the break room,

and I was getting
something from the fridge,

- and then I bent over.
- Mhm.

TINA: And Kevin kind of
leaned in and put his

face on my ass.

- Tina, I am so sorry.
- Yeah.

ANDREA: Okay, is it possible
that it was a gust of wind?

A gust of wind put its face on my ass?

ANDREA: It's a gusty office.

Lots of winds blowing.

Sort of... (BLOWING)

Look!

Look at that.

BRUCE: What's going on?

- Oh, actually...
- Hey, Bruce.

Bruce, I'm just having a private
conversation with Andrea.

Yeah, Tina's accusing Kev

of him putting his face on her ass.

I'm sure it was just
a misunderstanding.

I mean, maybe he was trying
to pick up some garbage

that fell on your dress
and his hands were full

so he had to use his face.

ANDREA: Yeah! That's possible.

Mmm hmm.

- Maybe it was an owl.
- Mm.

BRUCE: That was my first thought too.

An owl?

RED DRESS: Yeah, so, Tina,

last week I thought that
Kevin came up behind me

and undid my bra,

but then I talked to the team here

and we decided that
actually what happened was

(WHISPERS) I was being
a bit of a crazy bitch.

And what's much more
likely is that an owl

somehow got in the building.

I mean, I don't know.

Maybe through an open window,

we'll probably never know.

But the point is,

it fluttered by me and
then it went to town.

BRUCE: Here's the thing.

(LAUGHS) Uh, Kevin's a great guy,

I golf with Kevin.

I've personally never met
an owl I can golf with.

(LAUGHTER)

No, I-I, that is so true.

Owls?

Have you seen the way
their heads can turn?

Like...

Have you seen that, Tina, before?

It's like I'm not trying
to get your friend, Kevin,

fired, okay?

I-I just want it on
the record that Kevin...

Or an owl.

I find it actually
really hard to believe

that there's an owl loose.

SUE: Hey guys, don't mind me,
I'm just grabbing a file.

Sue, can you back me up on this?

Sure.

Weren't you saying that-that
Kevin's been, like,

lurking around the women's washroom

kind of like, sniffing at the door.

SUE: Oh, um...

TINA: You told me that
he whispered the lyrics

to "Purple Rain" in your
ear while he was sort of

weirdly touching his nipples?

SUE: Yeah, that's what
I thought happened.

But then together we
figured out what it was

that really happened.

What happened?

Do you know that episode
of "The Twilight Zone"

where a man is given
an enchanted watch

that freezes time,

and he accidentally messes
with the space time continuum

then he stumbles into
an alternate dimension?

Sue probably accidentally did that.

Yes, it was sorcery

and the Kevin that I thought

that I saw was just, um...

(WHISPERS) sorry, what was it?

A whole bunch of owls

squeezed into a human costume.

Owls squeezed into a human costume.

ANDREA: And that is like

way more likely than
Kevin running around

molesting a bunch of

women in the office.

Think about it.

This is a serious complaint.

And have you thought about how
much this is gonna upset Kev?

I didn't think so.

Okay, great.

I'm glad we sorted this.

Thank you for coming in.

Thank you for sharing,

and thank you everybody
for helping Tina here

remember what really really happened.

I mean, he did organize
the charity raffle

last year, right? So...

ANDREA: That's something!

- Yeah.
- Hey, guys!

- BRUCE & ANDREA: Hey, Kev!
- Hey.

Ugh.

KEVIN: Hey, Tina!

Keep up the good work!

Alright. Okay.

Boo.

- Honka.
- Oh!

Woot woot!

I'll see you guys.

Whoa.

RED DRESS: Wow. Okay, you know what?

I think it's time
that someone spoke up

and admitted what's going on here.

Thank you!

RED DRESS: This office
has an owl problem!

I would say.

SUE: It's a big owl problem.

ANDREA: Thank you Tina for coming in.

So nice to chat with you.

I might just look for another job

at another company.

ANDREA: Go ahead, sweetheart.

Word to the wise,

there's a lot of owls out there!

A lot of owls.

(ROCK MUSIC)

? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ?

? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ?

So cute.

I'm just here to return a shirt.

Okay, um,

I got a new phone so I don't know...

Okay!

So your store credit will...

Oh! I don't want a store credit,

I-I want my money back.

Okay, you just need to be calm

and I'll get you your money back.

I'm calm.

No, like really calm.

I'm super calm.

I just want my $300 back, please.

It was a gift from my
brother's girlfriend.

Okay, so you'd like your
brother's girlfriend's

money back?

I would like the money and the value

that she spent on it to go
back to me in my wallet.

Okay, that sounds like algebra.

But what I can tell you,

we have a 30 day return
policy in our store.

This is not within that.

And this definitely
is within that time,

because it was a birthday present.

My birthday was only about a week ago.

Happy belated birthday.

Thank you so much.

And the date's on here, so...

Actually, I need you to prove to me

that your brother's girlfriend
actually bought it in the store.

So like, I don't really know
her and I don't remember...

Well, it's actually super easy.

One, it's like right over
there hanging on the mannequin.

It is written here on the label.

It's also written here on the tag.

Fine, if you just remain calm.

Oh, I'm-I'm calm.

What's wrong with the shirt?

Just here, it's uh,

it's just like too big.

Can you just try it on for me?

Oh, no, I don't need to try it on.

Would you like your $300 back?

Yeah, sure. No problem.

No, I will try it on.

It's just store policy, so.

You don't even have to keep talking.

I understand what you said.

CLERK: Just try it on and I'll stop.

See? It's just not really me.

It looks great!

No, it doesn't.
It does not look good at all.

I think it's beautiful.

No, I do not look beautiful.

I think you look pretty nice.

No, I look like a renaissance clown

who paints portraits on
the side to make money.

- I'd buy that portraiture.
- I'm not selling it.

I don't think it's beautiful.

I think it's too big.

I think, in fact, two
people could fit in here.

CLERK: I don't know if
there's room for two people.

- There is!
- You know what I like?

- Facts! And here we go.
- Okay, alright.

You know what?

CLERK: Boo, here I am and I'm
just not fitting comfortably

in this shirt.

Actually, the shirt
has never fit better.

CLERK: Well, if you like
that the way the shirt fits,

you should buy the shirt.

I'm not buying this shirt.

CLERK: You need a shower by the way.

Okay, I just, it's gigantic!

I don't know if you saw
the sign when you walked in,

but you can take a
quick read of it now.

"We are not responsible
for your damaged

perception of self."

Wow, okay, I don't have a
damaged perception of self.

- I'm very...
- You actually do.

I know I'm super happy
with my style and my look,

and this does not match either of it.

I mean, listen here,

why don't you just like, buy a belt

if you think that will help.
I don't know.

Yeah, I don't want a belt.
This is a $400 belt.

Fantastic. Will that
be debit or credit?

It will be nothing or nothing.

Actually, it's your job
to give me money back

and I will take it in cash.

Thank you.

I'm so sorry, that shirt's
already been worn.

Uh, you asked me to wear it.

Buy a blazer and we'll call it even.

- How about that?
- Yeah, I don't need a blazer.

I'm actually wearing
a really nice blazer.

I don't need another one.

I just want to return
this goddamn shirt!

Oops, you stretched!
You break it, you bought it.

No I just, it was already bought.

Well done us, fantastic!

Thank you for coming in!

Lovely to speak to you, not really.

- Goodbye.
- Okay, give me a belt.

It'll be $400, please.

Thank you.

I'm keeping the shirt.

That's great!

You're a monster.

You're a clown.

Still think you look
great in the shirt.

Okay guys, it was a great season!

I'm really proud of you.

I've got some trophies to give out.

When I call your name,

please come up and accept your award.

Uh, Kiera.

Where's Kiera?

- Oh!
- Hi.

Alright.

You managed to stay off your
phone, for the most part,

even when the game was super boring.

- Proud of you, kid.
- Thanks, Coach!

Okay, uh, oh, where's Jason?

Yup, yup, that's me! Excuse me. Okay.

Jason, you remembered
your kids' water bottle

each and every game.

- Great hustle, great hustle!
- Thank you.

Okay, where's Gemma?

GEMMA: Oh, oh.

I am very pleased to
give you the MVP award,

Most Valuable Parent.

Your decision to spike the
parents' coffee thermos,

ah, it just it really
turned the season around

and brought us together as a team.

Okay guys, so that's
it for the season.

Ummm, I guess I'll see you next year

unless you choose to
play another sport,

which I think some of you
should really think about doing.

Don't scowl at me like that!

Where was that fire during the season?

So you're gonna go to
the mandatory fun day?

Well, it's mandatory so.

- I guess.
- Ohhhhh.

Kaitlyn's here.

WOMAN 1: She's too quirky.

It's too much. I don't want it.

WOMAN 2: (WHISPERS)
What's wrong with her?

It looks like a fabric
store threw up on her.

Oh!

What a klutz! Oh!

And the way she's always
bursting into song

about how weird she is.

- Ugh.
- It sucks.

She sucks.

WOMAN 1: Mmm hmm.

KAITLYN: Oh my gosh.

Did you guys see that?

- Uh huh.
- Yeah.

Could I be more awkward? Oh.
(PLAYFUL INSTRUMENTAL)

WOMAN 1: I don't care.

I don't know.

(PLAYFUL UPLIFTING INSTRUMENTAL)

? I start my day at 9 a.m. ?

? Say to myself, ?

? "Oh, here we go again. ?

? "Be confident. ?

? "Be smart. ?

? "Try to stay alert. ?

? "And for god-sakes Kaitlyn,
learn to flirt." ?

- Hi!
- Ah!

Every time.

(SCOFFS)

? I'm just a Junior Ad Exec. ?

? I try to do my best. ?

- ? Whoo! ?
- MAN: Come on!

? But if there's one
thing I'll admit, ?

? Is that I'm a total mess! ?

Jesus Christ!

It burns!

? I need this job so
I don't go broke. ?

? Too bad my boss thinks
I'm a total joke. ?

Can you put that down, please?

Thank you.

? Oh I hope she doesn't see ?

? Just how awkward I can be! ?

? If only the silly little
quirky girl could find ?

(TOILET WHOOSHING)

? someone who loved
my heart and my mind. ?

? Someone who likes
my big weird skirts ?

? And when I go ballistic. ?

? Someone who wears ironic t-shirts ?

? Whose dreamy and artistic. ?

? But who? ?

(FUN PLAYFUL INSTRUMENTAL)

I've literally asked you out twice!

Both times you pretend
like you literally

didn't understand what I was saying

and then you immediately sang a song

about how you wished
you could find anyone

who fit my exact description!

(STAMMERING) It's hurtful and
it's weird what you're doing!

What's that, friend?

That's me!

That's my...

I think you're a bad person!

? I'm the worst at the flirts ?

? Don't stand a chance at work ?

? And the guys I meet are jerks ?

? But we all have our quirks ?

What?

No?

Just me?

Oh well!

(DRAMATIC MUSICAL INSTRUMENTAL)

? Yes I'm the quirkiest
quirkiest quirkiest girl ?

? Quirkiest quirkiest quirkiest girl ?

? The quirkiest quirkiest girl! ?

? You ever did see! ?

? La da da da da da ?

? La da da da da da! ?
(MUSIC ENDS)

? Wooo hooo! ?

? Quirkiest girl ?

I mean, (SINGING IN BACKGROUND)

honestly she seems unwell.

? Quirkiest girl ?

I fucking hate her though.

(SCOFFS)

(ROCK MUSIC)

? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ?

? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

(BELL RINGING)
(DOOR OPENS)

(GASPS)

- EMPLOYEE: Ah, ah, ah!
- Ow.

Sweetie, when we touch the crystals,

we soil them with our energy,

thereby lessening their
healing properties.

- Sorry.
- No, it's okay.

I didn't mean to get the,

my dirty, like energy on the rocks.

- Crystals.
- Crystals. Sorry.

- EMPLOYEE: Yeah.
- Okay, well I don't really...

- Okay, what I'm looking for...
- Don't tell me!

- I'm not gonna tell you?
- No, come.

Come.

Come, come come!

(STAMMERS)

- It's okay, it's okay.
- Really?

No, I can touch this.

Do you feel that, do you feel that?

Feel the invisible?
EMPLOYEE: (EXHALES)

No, I don't, because it's not-

- Okay.
- Okay, come just right here.

- (EXHALES DEEPLY)
- Whoa!

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

I'm sensing that you have a
very weakened immune system.

I'm actually pretty healthy.

Outwardly you may seem healthy,

but you see these right here?

- My eyes?
- These are called pockets of regret.

- Okay.
- And they hold all of your grief.

CUSTOMER: Hmm.

And you're just giving
your face a kind of

sad basset hound quality.

Good.

- Thank you for...
- You're welcome.

Could I just get one of those ones.

EMPLOYEE: Don't tell me.

I need to tell you, I'd like to...

No, I-I, I think it's
just really better

if you let your body tell me

and you keep the words
inside your mouth.

- You want my body to tell you?
- Yeah!

- (EXHALES DEEPLY)
- Whoa!

Okay, your root chakra is really dry.

Is it?

It's very dry.

It's a dry, duttonn...

It's-it's an energetic...

- It's a dustbowl down there.
- Alright.

It's all cracked up.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure.

What do you do for a living?

- I'm a...
- Let me guess.

- Coal miner.
- Paralegal.

- Huh!
- Mmm.

Because usually I only see
your complexion on people

with a very severe
vitamin D deficiency.

Oh.

EMPLOYEE: Like 18th Century
orphans or, you know,

- they have rickets and jaundice
- And stuff.

- and loose teeth 'cause they...
- Doesn't ring a bell.

I'm just gonna look around.

- Ha!
- Ha! By myself!

- And you stay there.
- I knew it, I knew it.

With those things.

You're a seeker.

You know, the love that
you're seeking is right there.

In my throat?

That's home for you.

Ding ding ding ding!

- I know what I would like.
- Uh huh?

I would like a rock
that would protect me

from negative energy.

Can I have one of those?

Rose quartz.

Great!

Here we go.

Thank you so much!

Oh, oh!

Did that...

How's that for you? Did that work?

Fuck!

Oh, great! It does work!

That's wonderful!

How's your, um, how's your chicken?

It's kind of dry actually.

Yeah, I think my pasta's a bit globby.

It doesn't feel very hot,
and the salad's...

The salad is like...

Just oily and...

Yeah, mine just tastes
like the bag it came from.

The lettuce is a bit dry too.

Oh, is it really?

Ladies, how's everything so far?

Oh, delicious!

It's amazing!

Thank you so much.

Our compliments to the chef.
Thank you.

- WAITRESS: I'm very glad.
- Thank you.

- Thanks so much.
- Thank you.

Great. Mhm.

Choke this down.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa,
bro bro bro bro bro!

Check it out, check it out.

I know, man.

That chick, she is bangin'.

Man, she is like slammin'!

Yeah (MOANS).

I'd like to hit that.

Yeah, yeah.

Why don't you go tap it, man!

Yeah.

Tap it.

(DRUMMING)

Excuse me, ma'am!!

Can I hit that?

Uh, yeah.

I was gonna take a break anyways.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

(TAPPING)

(OUT OF BEAT DRUMMING)

TALL GUY: Alright, okay, easy!

Take it easy, man! Take it easy.

You gotta hit it and
then you gotta quit it.

That's cool, bro.

Alright, get outta here.

Thanks for the support, man.

Uh, alright.

Thank you very much.

Thanks for, uh,
letting us tap that, man.

- Thanks.
- See you later.

Alright.

You got any bongos I
could smack around?

No, man.

Take care.

(RHYTHMIC DRUMMING)

?

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