All language subtitles for Baroness Von Sketch Show s03e08 Sometimes Its Good to Be the Shaman.eng

(SIGHS)

I'm so sorry.

You're going to have
to put your cat down.

(MEOW) Oh.

I'm so sorry.

No it's okay.

I don't know why,

I always hold her up like that.

We're just here to make
her feel good, right?

OWNER: Yeah. What a
beautiful little girl.

We are going to have to kill her though.

(MEOW)

("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES)

? Me and my friends
will spike the punch ?

? Rolling in the party
we'll start the fun ?

? Get fancy ?

? Hey Hey ?

? There's no clouds
its just the sun ?

? Living in times that
are meant for fun, yeah ?

? Hold your breath a little longer ?

? Let's go dancing underwater ?

? Oh, oh, oh oh ?

(BOOM)

Oh gosh, she's incredible.

She's so bad ass.

Oh, hey, Jim, you know, I was thinking,

since I've been the
primary client contact,

I should take the lead on
next week's presentation, yeah?

Sure, Nina, that makes sense.

LONG HAIR: I love an unapologetic
woman in the work place.

- Me too.
- Ladies,

we could really learn
something from her.

- Mhm.
- Like really learn something.

I'm sorry, I gotta cut this short,

I gotta-I gotta get to a meeting.

(GASPING LOUDLY)

- Did you see that?
- Yes.

Did you see what I did there?

- No.
- I said I was sorry.

I know, I'm like, why did I do that,

why did I just apologize?

I know why because I'm
am idiot, I'm so sorry.

- Oh geez.
- Stop.

(BOOM)

NINA: Okay Raj, I appreciate the raise,

but I know for a fact I'm
making 18% less than Davis

and we both know he's a mouth
breathing dick weed, don't we.

She just went in there
and she asked for a raise.

And she is not apologizing for it.

NINA: Pleasure doing
business with you, Raj.

(MOUTH CLICK)

(MOUTH CLICK)

God, what must her life be like.

(BOOM)

(UPBEAT HEAVY METAL MUSIC)

Lady, I can see your bra.

You're welcome.

PINK SHIRT: Oh my god,
her underwear is visible

and she's not apologizing
for it, I love her.

STRIPE SHIRT: Okay, she is
smoking and is unapologetic.

Suck that in.

DARK SHIRT: Oh wow, okay, she
just didn't say sorry for that?

I mean,

like maybe she didn't see the kid or?

- PINK SHIRT: Maybe.
- Does he have asthma?

PINK SHIRT: Littering.

DARK SHIRT: That was a bit weird, no.

I mean, she just didn't notice.

- Why is she... ?
- Oh, okay.

(HARD ROCK MUSIC)

You douchebag, she's rude.

She's so rude.

PINK SHIRT: That was so deliberate.

- NINA: Out of my way.
- Okay, I just feel.

That was something that you
should probably apologize for.

DARK SHIRT: Yeah, I mean, I would
say you should apologize for that.

- PINK SHIRT: Yeah, oh my god.
- So sorry.

- PINK SHIRT: Where'd she go?
- STRIPE SHIRT: Where's she going?

We lost her.

- Go, go, go, go.
- We lost her. We lost her.

(PANICKED CHATTER)

PINK SHIRT: What are you
doing? What are you doing?

Jesus, no! Stop it! Stop it!

(WOMEN SCREAMING)

- Stop it.
- (WOMEN SCREAMING)

- No!
- (WOMEN SCREAMING)

NINA: Can't a grown woman
commit a little arson

without having to apologize for it!

But you're burning down a building.

Oh.

All right, all right, I...

Sorry.

Oh geez, now I feel bad,

making you apologize for like,

being who you are.

PINK SHIRT: No, wait, guys, guys, guys,

this is how pressure works,

it gets inside of us

and then the world makes women
think that we have to apologize

for every little thing.

Well, I guess I don't
need this anymore, huh?

- PINK SHIRT: Yeah.
- (METAL CLANKING)

PINK SHIRT: Oh my god!

(BOOM)

(EXPLOSIONS)

(SIGHS)

Sorry.

It's a bit late now.

I can't see.

It's, uh, it's really nice here.

Mhm, yeah, I think you'll like it.

Uh, so most of your time

will be spent between
the clubhouse over there

and the staff buildings along the way.

Is this a, um, a man made lake?

Oh no, it's a woman made lake.

Woman made? What's, um,
what's the difference?

This lake has no idea
how beautiful it is.

Now, let me introduce you
to the rich, white golfers.

Now?

All right, your blood work's all done

so we just have one more procedure.

Oh gosh, I'm just a little bit nervous.

It's my, uh, first
cesarean, my first baby,

- I just, I don't...
- That's nice.

You know what, you just lift your gown.

Okay, I just have a,

actually, I have a
question. I just want to...

Okay, how about you
think about your question

while you lift your gown.

- Okay well, I'm just thinking...
- Shhh! Shhh! Shhh!

- I just have a...
- Nope.

What's that for?

I've got to shave the area,

it's standard procedure
for a Caesarean birth.

- You have to shave my...
- I do.

Okay, I-

Hi, wow, are you just
gonna dry shave that?

There's no cream or, um,

like a solution like a something to?

This is my job, I've been
doing it for a long time.

Okay.

Oh, oh I think...

It's funny I didn't read
that chapter in the book.

- I didn't see...
- Yeah, that's very obvious.

I've never seen a vagina
with so much hair on it.

Is, um...

Is that like a problem for you?

I need backup.

- Yeah, Darryl?
- Darryl?

Yeah, could you come in
here with a defoliation kit?

- No, no, no.
- Yeah and the tarp.

No, no, no, just keep
pulling at it then,

I don't need anybody,

you just, you and me.

Why do you have your
razor in my bum crack?

Look, this is my job,
your crack is my job.

PREGNANT WOMAN: Look, if
you're a medical professional,

why are you so concerned with
the aesthetics of my pubic hair?

(SCREAMING)

Oh, sorry to interrupt.

No, you can see all my holes.

DARRYL: Excuse me ma'am.

Yeah, I've just, uh,

I brought a wax kit and I've got a comb

and I've also got an electric razor.

That's great, just
leave it all right here.

Jesus, can you go now sir?

Bye, ma'am.

Stop, right here, what's
happening between my legs

is a normal, beautiful, wonderful thing

and what you're expecting, ma'am,

is offensive and impossible,

and even if I wanted to,

give this to me.

Look at me, look at me,

I am nine months pregnant

I can't even see my wizard sleeve.

I don't know what's happening
down there with my old taco.

Look, ah, ah, uh oh,
uh oh, what happened,

oh look, my little pink skittle pop,

that there it is on
the floor laying there,

I cut it right off.

It isn't a pink taco or a wizard sleeve,

you goddamn hippie,

it's a clitoris,

you're not even trying.

How do you wipe
yourself this whole time?

How have you been wiping your bum?

Yeah, well, if you can wipe it,

you can shave it.

I don't need to shave my butt.

I did all through three kids.

- You shaved your butt?
- This is how you do it,

down and up and around,
down and up and around.

Don't tell me you can't do it
'cause I know that you can.

When a man comes in here for a vasectomy

do you shame his hairy
bongos with your two cent,

gas station razor and
just scrape it on his damp,

nervous scrotum?

Do you do that to him?

I do not do any of that.

That's what I thought.

I make him do it himself.

I should have prepared better,

I know that now.

- Up on the table.
- Yeah.

Actually, can you just stay like that,

- I've got a good view of the backend here.
- Yeah, sure. You just...

- Miss?
- Yeah, thanks.

(PLAYFUL MUSIC)

Oh, can I have a
little bit more, please?

Okay, thanks.

- SERVER: Green pepper?
- Yes, thanks.

(PLAYFUL MUSIC)

Is that all the green
pepper you're gonna put on?

SERVER: Yes, beets?

Uh, yeah, thanks, I'll take some beets.

(PLAYFUL INSTRUMENTAL)

- SERVER: Olives?
- Um, yes, please.

Can I have a couple more
olives, there's just, like,

four on there.

Um, that one just fell on the counter.

Onions?

No thanks.

Oh I said no onions.

Tomatoes?

Uh, yeah, thanks, tomatoes, thanks.

You like, just put...

one tomato on there.

Lettuce?

Yes, please.

I really like lettuce,

so if you can just put
some extra on there,

that would be great.

Oh, like, can I have like a
lot of lettuce, please, thanks.

That was just the... the
dead bit, kind of on the side.

- (FLY BUZZING)
- SERVER: Okay, anything else?

Oh shit.

Okay, that'll be 7.95.

7.95, okay.

Um...

Here ya go, there's $5.

You need more money than that.

Oh, did you want more money?

- Oh, okay.
- Yes.

There we go.

Or do you... do you want a
little more... more money?

That's 5.25 you just put down.

Oh, okay, here's another,

did you... did you want more?

SERVER: Yeah.

(CHANGE CLINKING)

Okay, there, did you want more money?

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

? Oh oh oh oh oh oh ?

? Oh oh oh oh oh oh ?

SHAMAN: Thank you all for
sharing your intentions

and of course,

for driving all the
way out to the suburbs.

And now,

now it is time to
drink the AYAHUASCA tea

to begin your journey
towards self awareness.

And remember that the
spirit of AYAHUASCA

can take many forms.

It could be, oh,

that grandfather clock

or say, a snake,

(GASPS) or even,

well the younger female version
of the little guy from "UP".

WOMAN: I'm sorry to interrupt,

did you say that ayahuasca

can come in the form of a snake?

There are no interruptions.

I have a phobia about snakes,

I didn't realize when I paid my $100

that that was gonna be part of it.

SHAMAN: It's okay, you
just take a little sip,

- just a little sip from the ayahuasca!
- Okay.

SHAMAN: The rest of you
drink the entire portion

and get ready to drop in.

I'm just gonna have a sip everyone.

SHAMAN: That's right,

just wet your beak, just a little bit.

Oh, it's rich.

(HEAVY SIGH)

- Sorry.
- Oh god!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Just before I drink my
tea, I'm just wondering

are there snakes on your
journey to ayahuasca?

I'm just trying to actually drop
in to the beginning of my journey.

So were there snakes at the
beginning of the journey?

I don't know yet.

But like, just even the first
couple of minutes of your journey?

How 'bout you stop talking
and I'll drop into my journey,

if there's any snakes, I'll
come back and tell you about it.

You promise?

No.

Okay.

WOMAN: But Shaman,

is that a snake tattoo?

No, that signifies my life as a shaman

who sells real estate on the side.

Okay.

(FOREBODING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)

WOMAN 2: (ECHOING)
I am angry at my mother

because she didn't really get me.

WOMAN 3: (ECHOING)
I just want to be heard.

SHAMAN: There's nothing to fear,

except of course, for what you fear.

(TRIPPY ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)

Get away from me!

Get away from me!

Get away from me!

Stop. Ah! Cobras. Cobras

SHAMAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, hey, wake up, wake up.

- Wake up. Hi. Hi.
- Hi.

- Hi. Hi.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- You awake?
- You awake?

- Good.
- What happened?

Absolutely nothing, you
drank peppermint tea.

The ayahuasca! was in a different mug.

What?

I didn't go on a spiritual journey?

No, you did not.

WOMAN: But I paid $100.

SHAMAN: Yes, I know, but
you clearly weren't ready.

WOMAN: Oh god, I... I've
ruined this for everyone.

No, you didn't ruin it for anyone.

WOMAN 2: You ruined it for me, actually.

WOMAN: Ah.

SHAMAN: Next time you'll be ready.

WOMAN: Thank you.

And we will drink the ayahuasca.

Okay.

And there's a snake behind you.

OH GOOD GOD, NOOOOOO!

Just kidding.

I've always wanted to do that.

WOMAN 2: That was awesome,
I really wanted to do that.

Sometimes, it's just
good to be the shaman.

You're a real estate agent.

On the side.

The world just has so many problems

and every day I wake up
there's something new.

I feel so overwhelmed,
and I just, do you mind?

Mhm.

I just feel so helpless. (SOBBING)

Listen, the dread and anxiety
you're feeling makes sense.

We are living in what is known
in the psychiatric community

as the garbage times.
I'm gonna give you something.

I think this is really gonna help,

there you go.

- _
- PATIENT: What, uh, what's...

What's this?

It's my Netflix password.

I want you to watch

a gentle, cooking-based
reality show out of England.

They mostly do baking,

but occasionally they do
make savoury pies and pastis.

But that's it, like, not a pill.

Like a proper prescription

or... or band-aids, a positive thought.

This is the best thing
we've come up with.

Okay just sorry, too,

I just... I just need to be clear,

this is a, uh, uh, a
competitive cooking show.

Technically it's a competition,

but there are almost no stakes.

Okay well,

there's like a cash prize at the end,

there's that probably.

Sometimes they give
the winner a nice bowl.

Sometimes?

Tell you what, uh,

do you wanna, uh, try a sample?

- I'd love a hit.
- Okay.

Let's do this.

Let's do this.

Here we go.

Okay.

CONTESTANT: Well this is my first
try at the classic Madeira cake.

Oh yes, the classic English cake,
the Madeira cake.

CONTESTANT: I was pretty
chuffed to have the opportunity

and I'm pretty pleased
with how it turned out.

Oh you must be pleased,
because I see here,

it has the classic crack
of the Madeira cake,

and of course, we're
always concerned as judges

will the Madeira have a crack.

(HEAVY SIGHS)

Oh, a show about baking.

Will this work for my late
night fears about climate change?

No, no, no, no, no,

nothing works for that.

It's a nightmare that's
coming for us all.

- PATIENT: Okay, thank you.
- Okay.

See you next week.

Oh my god, yeah, you
fold that egg white.

Yeah, I like that.

(SOFT GUITAR STRUMMING)

JULIET: Romeo, oh Romeo,

where for art thou Romeo?

Deny thy father and refuse thy name.

Or, if thou whilst not,

be but sworn my love,

and I'll no longer be a Capulet.

ROMEO: I hear more,
shall I speak at this?

JULIET: Is someone there?

- Who is that?
- Uh, it's me,

it's Romeo, it's... it's Romeo.

Hello.

Oh my god.

Wait, what are you doing

hanging around below my balcony?

ROMEO: I'm waiting to see you.

I'm waiting... I'm waitin'
on, I'm waitin' to see you.

Wow, stalk much?

ROMEO: I'm not stalking, what?

We're in love.

JULIET: Oh are we?

because we had one religious
discussion at a party

and now suddenly, we're meant to be?

ROMEO: Yeah, just like
all that pilgrim talk,

like back and forth,

that's like love, like I love you,

like we love each other.

JULIET: Yeah, like I
thought at one point

I might be interested in you,

but that's before I found out

you were a giant boundary crosser.

Wait, were you planning
on climbing up here?

No, no, no, ah no, yes, no, maybe.

Do you want me to, I will.

JULIET: Oh my god, absolutely not.

Whoa, if I knew you
were such a weirdo,

I never would have even looked at you.

ROMEO: I'm not a weirdo,
what, come on now.

Look, I got my hair and every,
my suit, I'm... I'm a romantic,

look at this.

JULIET: Yeah, if the
definition of romantic

is using the slightest
indication of interest

to find you in your home
and make you feel unsafe

in your own bedroom,

then yeah, that's really romantic.

ROMEO: You know what?

I risked a lot in coming here.

I mean, if your cousin spotted me,

do you know what happened?

I would've fight for my life.

Oh great, now you're
threatening to kill my family?

Does that work all the
girls or just the children?

Because let me remind you,
I am 13 years old.

Yeah well, most girls
are married at your age.

Oh and now you wanna make
me your child bride, awesome.

Did you even ask if I was interested?

- Oh my god!
- JULIET: No, no you did not.

It is called consent buddy.

ROMEO: Fine!

Is it okay if I stand
here and I look at you?

I'm going to have to think about that.

What about poetry?

Technically anything you write about me

is child pornography so.

ROMEO: Wow, we are gonna die
in a beautiful, double suicide,

that's what you're missing out on.

- I'm outta here.
- I knew it.

You faithless, faithless cur.

Fifteen sucks.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

? Oh oh oh oh oh oh ?

? Oh oh oh oh oh oh ?

(UPBEAT HIPHOP MUSIC)

WOMAN: Hey.

You boys afraid to play with a girl?

No.

(UPBEAT HIPHOP MUSIC)

Why don't you pass me the fuckin' rock.

(UPBEAT HIPHOP MUSIC)

The key to playing with
me is don't be intimidated.

- Do you know anyone here or... ?
- No.

(GRUNTING)

- Keep your eye on the ball.
- I'll take her.

Don't, okay, ow.

- You want some of this?
- I don't.

Ever see this shot?

Off the tits.

(GROANING)

MAN: Are you, uh, are you okay?

- Get back, get back, get back.
- Okay.

My boobs are burning.

God, okay, let's go again.

(UPBEAT HIPHOP MUSIC)

Oh fuck.

- Team.
- We're on opposing teams.

Oh, tweet, tweet, tweet,
little birdie gonna fly away.

Tweet, tweet, tweet, little
birdie gonna fly away.

You have no eyes, you ready?

I don't think you're ready.

I don't think you're ready.

(GROANING)

WOMAN: Oh I asked if you were ready,

I'm so sorry.

(GROANING) Oh fuck.

Okay listen,

just the point I'm trying to make

is that women are good at basketball.

I'm not, clearly, I'm terrible,

but I've never really played before

and I don't really know the rules

and I don't think I really like it.

I thought I'd be great,

I thought I'd come out here
and I'd like, rip it up,

but that's not what happened and I...

as you were.

High five.

(GROANING)

Get over it, man, I bleed every month.

WOMAN: Happy Thanksgiving everybody.

Okay, uh, Jaden, Chloe, Lola, Sinbad,

you are at the table for kids,
adults are at this table.

GRANDMA: Uh, where
should should we go dear?

WOMAN: Oh, uh, Grandma and Auntie Mo,

and, uh, Katie's friend
who had nowhere else to go,

you're over there at
the table for racists,

homophobes and people who
can't stay off their phone.

GRANDMA: Oh, okay.

I think we can all enjoy our meal now.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Uh, where do I sit?

Oh, shit, Uncle Bob,

I forgot to do a table
for climate change deniers.

Um...

You know what,

let's put you out there on the deck,

I think you'll be very comfortable,

shorts weather, I'll grab you a pair.

WOMAN: Mr. Haberforth, thank
you for meeting with us today.

I'm gonna get right to it,

the Funding Committee
is extremely concerned

about the progress of your project.

We were thrilled, Mr. Haberforth,

to find that you had discovered a way

to travel through time.

- Thank you.
- I'm not finished.

Mhm.

We were thrilled,

until we found through extensive study

that only you possess this ability.

I'm the only time traveller you've got.

GOLD SWEATER: So you can
understand our frustrations

when we read these field reports.

- April 20th, 1889.
- Hitler's birthday.

GOLD SWEATER: Hung around
outside the hospital for a bit,

then encountered 24-year-old self,

also in the past on a mission,

was struck by my own
ruggedly handsome appearance,

the impish charm of my youth,

yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda.

You sucked your own dick
until the time codes ran out

and you were transported home.

- Well.
- Well nothing.

September 1964, the New
York Military Academy,

your job was simple.

You were to find a young
Donald Trump, give him a hug,

tell him to spend most
of his time alone,

on an island.

And what, Mr, Haberforth,
did you in fact do?

God, I've been in so many
places in time, you know?

So many wild adventures...

BRUNETTE: You sucked
your own dick, Mike!

You went to the Catskills
and you found yourself

on a vacation to the
past and you went to town.

You just went to town, I'm sorry.

MR. HABERFORTH: I love
vacationing in the past, okay.

Nature's not ruined yet.

If I look at your log
book for that date,

all it says is, "Oops, I'm sorry".

And I am

so sorry.

BLACK SWEATER: I see, so
your sorry about Paris 1789,

Poland 1512.

New Toronto 2245.

All you ever do...

Is plunge yourself at various times,

on various missions and
suck your own goddamn dick.

It's... it's actually disgusting,

you're disgusting.

- HABERFORTH: Like you wouldn't.
- No, I wouldn't.

- I don't know.
- Wouldn't do it,

because I'm...

Um, what was that?

(SIGHING HEAVILY)

Nothing, I was thinking about science.

- Oh for god...
- Oh, come on.

BLACK SWEATER: I will come over there.

Ugh, don't you fist bump him!

Couldn't even make it
through one meeting?

I just went through this meeting,

I came back to cheer myself up.

Ugh.

(LAUGHING)

Such power.

He's not coming back.

- Ugh.
- Come on.

Oh not now Jerry, we're dealing with...

JERRY: We found another one.

GOLD SWEATER: What?

Another time traveller.

- It's true.
- Oh man!

BLUE SHIRT: You've been to the past?

TIME TRAVELLER: Oh yes.

BRUNETTE: And?

Well, I certainly didn't go back in time

so I could lick my own vagina.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

But you'll never believe
who I got to do it for me.

I'm talking, Picasso,

I'm talking DaVinci,

I'm taking Marie Curie,

I'm talking Cleopatra,

she got the eyes of
a witch and the mouth

of a slutty little witch.

Why give a shit about humanity, eh?

Why? Why give a shit about science?

No, I met a lot of
scientists down under though,

if you know what I mean.

I don't know why we bother.

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