All language subtitles for Baroness Von Sketch Show s03e05 Its Because I Care.eng

- (SOMBRE MUSIC)
- (SOBBING)

WOMAN: It's okay.

(SOBBING)

I'm so sorry.

What's the hashtag for this funeral?

Oh, it's hesgodsproblemnow.

Oh thank you, thank you.

As you were.

(HIGH-PITCHED SOBBING)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES)

? Me and my friends
will spike the punch ?

? Rolling in the party
we'll start the fun ?

? Get fancy ?

? Hey Hey ?

? There's no clouds
its just the sun ?

? Living in times that
are meant for fun, yeah ?

? Hold your breath a little longer ?

? Let's go dancing underwater ?

? Oh, oh, oh oh ?

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

Oh my god, I'm sorry we
have to leave so soon,

- it is so amazing seeing you.
- It's okay. This was great.

Love you Janer.

Love you honey.

- I love you so much. Mwah.
- Really great house.

(IN UNISON) Bye Jane.

Bye honey, bye Janer,

drive safely, okay, yeah, a cutie.

Oh, what a cutie, huh?

Yeah, she's such a cutie.

SANDRA: Yeah, she's the cutest.

Her new boyfriend though.

I get a bad feeling about him.

I get a bad feeling.

I am so glad that you said that

because he has wandering eyes
and he's definitely cheating.

- A 100%.
- I was thinking the same thing.

- He's a cheater.
- Cheater's beard.

- He's a cheater.
- You can tell he's a cheater.

I know cheater all over.

- Bye, thanks!
- Ann: A cut off cheater's beard

and a cheater's polo shirt.

But it's so Jane to
ignore the signs, you know.

Oh my gosh.

I mean it's like, okay,

here's a sign and I'm
Jane and it's like,

"Oh where's my sign?"

Look at you.

You know, you are so funny.

You're so funny.

But I don't want to be mean, you know.

Oh no, my goodness.

ANN: Because we care.

'Cause you care, 'cause we care.

No, because we care.

SANDRA: It is, and Jane is the sweetest.

ANN: She deserves a good relationship.

(CELL PHONE BUZZING)

- Excuse me.
- For sure.

Oh it's Paul, okay,

I've got to go, the old Paul and chain

- is calling me home.
- Oh my gosh.

- Very clever.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Funny.
- That is so clever.

Good seeing you guys. Okay, bye!

- She's so fun.
- So glad we did this.

- Bye.
- Bye bye.

She is such a hoot.

She is the hootiest, she's funny,

she's the funniest, she's so funny.

Do you ever feel like she just,

you know, like tries too hard though?

- I'm so glad you said something.
- Okay.

It's like Carol,

we love you,

can you please stop
trying so goddamn hard.

I know, she's insecure,
but you know what,

I only say this because I care.

Ann, you care, we care about her,

no totally we care.

I know I just don't
want to get into therapy.

- SANDRA: Yeah, we care.
- (HONKING)

- We care.
- We care.

Yeah yeah.

- We've gone through so much.
- Mhm.

Well I'm bagged.

And it just hit me.

You don't want to stay for
another glass of lemonada?

Oh my god, you know
I love your lemonada.

You know what I love
is those spanakopita's,

oh my god they're so good.

I know they were good.

- Oh I need that recipe.
- Yeah.

- Okay, bye.
- Mwah. Mwah.

- (KISSING NOISES)
- Bye bye bye, safe drive.

Safe drive.

- Bye bye bye. I'm out.
- Bye.

Drive safe, okay.

SANDRA: I love what you've
done with your lawn.

ANN: Oh, thank you.

SANDRA: I love you.

Oh boy.

Well it looks like Sandra

has a piece of food
caught in her teeth again.

My god, she's just so sloppy.

You know, I think that's why

she gets passed up for
promotions at work all the time.

Anyway, I only say this because I care.

The only reason I'm
making this electronic

voice memo recording is because I care.

I do.

CREAM JACKET WOMAN: So you'll see
the accommodations are spacious,

the dining room offers
three full meals a day

plus late night snacks.

Uh, there is a hair salon,

we have a games room,

a small grocery store

and there's a movie
theatre on the second floor.

Oh and of course I should mention

that all of the rental units
are government subsidized.

Wow, alright, um, I'll take it.

Carolyne, what about me?

Well you snooze you lose, Mom.

You have a house already, right.

Okay, right this way. Let's go.

Did you say three meals a day?

- Oh yes, yes and we...
- What?

We cater to all dietary restrictions.

So I would like to
put forward Liz Forton

to fill the role of VP at this firm.

I mean, she's the most
qualified candidate that we have.

She's a natural leader.

She's full of fresh new ideas.

I mean, she has completely reinvigorated

our marketing team.

Not to mention,

she made us five million dollars
in the last quarter alone.

Yeah.

But she leaves at 5:30 every
day to pick up her kids so...

No thank you.

No, that's wrong, leaving.
This meeting is over.

Haven't seen my kids in years.

So that's the New York
cheesecake and the tiramisu

and what did you decide?

Oh, I think I'm going to have, um,

? the mmmmgooochocolatte ?

? and the key lime pie. ?

Great, okay, I'll be right back.

- I'm sorry.
- What happened?

- So how are things at work?
- No I want to know.

Pam, you don't have to sing

every single time you order food.

I'm sorry but it's really annoying.

I didn't even realize I was singing.

- Yes, you did.
- Oh yeah, you were singing.

- Yes, you did.
- Oh no, okay.

Ah, hi there, sorry ladies.

Hi, I'm a record exec from
Dessert Daddy Records and

I have to say the way
you sang key lime pie

blew my GD ass of.

What?

Yeah, I want to record an
album with you this afternoon.

PAM: This afternoon?

RECORD PRODUCER: Yes, I want that voice.

You're a superstar, trust me.

- Come with me.
- Okay, I knew this day was gonna come.

You did?

- Take my hand.
- Okay.

I'm a star.

She's about to be murdered, right?

ROBBER: We want an
airplane at the airport

and we want gold bars.
No bank certificates.

- ROBBER 2: No. No.
- What?

ROBBER 2: Wait. Stop! Stay!

- No no no, we want bank certificates.
- Why?

ROBBER 2: 'Cause we can
spend them in South America,

Spain, Australia, Portugal.

- Okay, just...
- What?

Can you just hang on a second?

ROBBER 2: Put your heads down!

What? Are you upset?

ROBBER 1: Can you just
let me do the talking?

ROBBER 2: I might do the talking,
not get the talking right.

- Well...
- No I'm just saying,

since when did you
become the leader, really?

Ah, since this was my idea
and I got the plan together

- and I got the getaway car.
- It's a rental.

ROBBER 1: Well it doesn't
matter if it's a rental

this is my thing and I'm the leader.

Okay, I'm letting you do your thing

I'm just saying you should
do it right that's all...

Ah!! What are you doing?

I'm so sorry. It's just um...

you have a hair hanging off your shirt

and I've been like
staring at it for an hour.

- Get back, back , back!
- Oh, I'm going.

Sorry. Okay. Okay.

(SIGHS)

Look, we have to be a united front.

Yes.

The cops have to see
that we're together.

If there's any kind
of division between us

they're going to see it's a crack

and they're going to try to exploit it

- and fill it with bullets.
- We're dead.

- Ah! What did I just tell you?!
- Um, it's just,

you have so much hair on
you, I mean do you have a cat?

ROBBER 2: No no she doesn't have
a cat, she doesn't have a cat.

But you know what she does have?

Grey hair, check this out.

ROBBER 1: Give me that.

That's from those home kits that
you keep buying over the counter

and they make your head smell
like a turkey with a fried arse.

ROBBER 1: They are affordable,

things are really stressful right now,

- Doug got fired.
- Doug got fired?

- Are you kidding me?
- Yes, he did, why do you think I'm here?

There's a baker's job
at the coffee shop.

He doesn't like that because...

Ah!

Um, you have a hair
stuck to your lip gloss.

I'm sorry, it's just really distracting.

ROBBER 2: You know what? Shh stop Ellen,

wait she's right, what's your name?

Alana.

So now you're chumming up and
agreeing with the hostages?

Blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah. What?

I don't know what you just said
'cause I can't focus right now

because that thing across your mouth,

can you not taste it?

No I can't taste it 'cause I can focus

- and you know why?
- Why?

Because there's a million cops out there

waiting to blow our fucking heads off.

Point, yes that's true. That's true.

Here I'm going to get it for you.

No I don't want people
touching my face that's a thing.

Go like this.

(IN UNISON) Num num num num...

ROBBER 1: Is it gone?

It's not gone, you know
what, I'm going to get it.

- No no, I can do it.
- Here, let me get it.

- I can do it.
- Come here!

(BANGING) POLICE OFFICER: Everybody
get down this is the police!

Get down! Get down on the ground,

get down on the ground!

Down, down, down, down, down!

- ROBBER 2: Sorry.
- You!

Num num num num.

Yeah we tried that
before it didn't work.

Oh, okay, alright,
sorry, sorry about that.

? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ?

? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ?

(MAESTOSO INSTRUMENTAL)

WHITE DRESS WOMAN: Nothing
stimulates the humans more

than a rousing country ball.

And dare I say Mr. Bingleby
is making quite a stir.

PINK DRESS WOMAN: I
cannot understand it,

the man is pleasant enough

but surely not so handsome
as to merit such a frenzy.

LADY TRILBY: Oh my dears,

would you care to take
a turn about the room?

Oh, Lady Trilby,

we do so love a turn.

And about the room. A dream.

Yes, oh for sure.

Oh oh, and perhaps Lady
Trilby you could help us

for at present we're
entrenched in a mystery.

Oh?

What is it exactly about Mr. Bingleby

that has so enthralled
the county's young ladies?

- Oh rumour has it...
- Ooooh...

- Ow. Sorry, sorry.
- I'm sorry.

That when he accompanies a
lady on a walk across the heath

he simply asks her

how she's doing.

Doing?

What do you mean doing?

Well, just, you know, what she's up to,

her interests, her hobbies,

her general inner life.

And when she answers,

- he listens.
- (IN UNISON) What?

(EXCITED WHISPERING)

Steady yourselves ladies.

Steady yourself.

MR. BINGLEBY: My good ladies.

How is this evening treating you

uniquely and to your
own individual tastes?

Oh.

Oh my.

- Uh, well Mr. Bingleby...
- Yes.

I sometimes find the
decor of this room to be

(STUTTERING) round and
other times like squared.

Squared.

Are you quite alright dear?

It's just that no one has ever asked.

MR. BINGLEBY: Yes. Ms. Daphne,

I noticed you fainted ever so briefly

do tell me of your health
and spare no detail.

(GAGGING)

MR. BINGLEBY: Oh my, oh my.

(WHIMPERING)

Is she quite well?

Oh, she is, she is too very um...

Squares, squares.

Oh, dear.

Mr. Bingleby it appears you've
quite overwhelmed the ladies.

(STAMMERING) Well I am terribly sorry.

I mean, please help me

so that I don't overwhelm
you in the future.

How shall I behave? Please.

(FRIGHTENED STAMMERING)

Eeeeeeeee!

Shall we take a turn about
another section of the room

while the ladies compose themselves?

(CLEARS THROAT)

MR. BINGLEBY: Yes, of
course Lady Trilby,

oh and do tell me about your grandson.

He was a whiz with sums

but he struggled with the classics, yes?

- You remember, aah!
- Oh my.

Oh Bingleby, you've done it again.

WOMAN: I don't normally do this.

MAN: Me neither.

I can't help myself.

Listen, I have to tell you something.

Yeah, go ahead.

Okay. I might be like
a lady in the streets

but I'm like,

I'm super dirty in the sheets.

Is that okay with you?

Dirty, I...

Like I'm really...

like I'm really dirty.

- No I... I... I, I like that.
- You do?

- Yeah I really like that.
- Okay.

I mean, you kind of...

Yay.

Oh my god.

What are, um...

Are those, what are all those strips?

Criiiick, mmm.

Oh wow.

Come on baby what are you waiting for?

Fine, let's do this.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(BANG)

POLICE OFFICER 1:
Police! This is a raid!

Go, go, go, go, oh my god!

- What's wrong?!
- This apartment it is beautiful!

Oh my god you're right!
Who is your interior designer?!

I decorated it myself.

POLICE OFFICER 2: You did a great job!

You really did a lot with a small space.

Oh my gosh look at this, what is this?

- What is this?
- What did you do here?

WOMAN: I refinished myself.

Interesting fact,

same chemicals for tabletop as drugs.

- Really.
- Oh cool. Love it.

It feels good.

BLUE SHIRT WOMAN: He
treats the cat like a dog.

HOST: Do you ladies have
any preference of table?

Oh, um,

where do you, um, where
do you want to sit?

I don't know, where do you want to sit?

I'm easy.

- Oh, well there's a table right here.
- Okay, let's sit right here.

Okay, thanks.

Oh, this is nice.

Bit um...

bit close to the door, you know.

Well we can move.

No no, or we can stay
I'm fine, I'm fine.

- Okay let's stay.
- Okay, all right.

Actually do you mind if we move?

- Of course not.
- Okay.

We're just going to
grab a table over there.

- Oh, it's good.
- See it's even wider.

- This is great.
- Host: We're happy?

- We're happy.
- So happy.

Thank you for indulging
us. Really appreciate it.

Oh, it's so bright here.

Yeah it's lovely.

Huh.

Fire exit.

Oh, it's a fire exit.

That's a bit odd isn't?

- Did you want to move?
- Yep. Yep.

We're just going to move over here.

BLUE SHIRT WOMAN: Oh yeah, okay,
this is nice, this is nice, okay.

Hello.

Oh, alright.

RED SHIRT WOMAN: This is great.

- This is a great table.
- Oh, yeah.

(SIGHS)

It's like there's an air
conditioning unit or something,

just blowing right down my neck.

- You know?
- Should we...

- Should we?
- Move? No we're not going to move tables,

you know what, we'll just scooch over,

let's do that, there we go.

- Can we just, here we go.
- Oh, okay.

We'll just do that.

You know what...

Okay, that's a little, little close.

Oh, uh, no it just, um,

there's an air conditioning
unit blowing down

so I'm just gonna, if
we can just scooch...

Seriously? There are
plenty of other tables.

(CHUCKLING) Oh you're serious.

- Mhm.
- Why don't we just sit at the bar?

Okay, enjoy your nice
long table all to yourself.

- See we'll just stand right here.
- Okay.

so we don't need a table we
can just stand right at the bar.

Uh, bar's closed.

Well why don't we just sit
at the table by the pillar.

Nah, then we're those two
gals sitting by the pillar.

How about the table
over at the middle there?

Mmm right in the middle,
like sitting ducks, no?

- Okay, uh...
- We can eat like this, right?

- I can eat like this for days.
- Okay.

Yeah, oh this is great.

Let's just order right here.

Okay, no, we gotta
choose something else.

Does it make it look
like we're lesbians though

for two women by the fireplace?

- We better find another table.
- Yeah, that's a bit weird.

Do you mind scooching...

oh you're still here.

You know what, we can
do just sit right here.

- That's nice.
- Thank you.

Do you have a blanket or something

we could put on the floor?

I can check in the back room.

Oh no don't bother, we
don't want to trouble you.

- We don't want to trouble you.
- No, no, don't check.

Oh there's a table in
the corner, look at this.

- Okay.
- Ah.

- This is what I'm talking about.
- This is nice.

- This is nice, okay.
- Thank you.

Oh, yeah, ah. (SIGHS)

Bit of a,

(CLUNKING)

bit of a wobble wouldn't you say?

RED SHIRT WOMAN: Oh.

Do you feel it's wobbling a little bit?

I think it's more you
actually lifting the table

- that's making it wobble.
- Oh I see. Okay. All right. Okay. Mhm.

? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ?

? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ?

(MYSTERIOUS INSTRUMENTAL)

(CHANTING)

WOMAN: N.

O.

N-O.

N-O.

Say no.

Oh, say no.

You could have just told me
you didn't want to marry me.

WOMAN: Oh the spirits
are saying goodbye.

'Kay.

Sorry, not me, it's the spirits.

They're saying no, no, no, goodbye.

Bit behind on the old subscription.

Good thing I like reading.

I'm going to read the shit out of you.

(UPTEMPO INSTRUMENTAL)

Little stretch before we start.

Could be here a little while.

(UPTEMPO INSTRUMENTAL)

Read it, very good,
really enjoyed Crystals.

Oh geez.

(UPTEMPO INSTRUMENTAL)

Oh this is a reading
position, how do you feel?

Shitty. Come on.

You're gonna read these things.

(UPTEMPO INSTRUMENTAL)

(SIGHS) Oil spills.

Where do you like to read?

Where it makes you feel
safe, like a hobbit.

Just finish the tea.

Read your magazines.

Stop it!

I'm reading you,

and then I'm going to read you.

I

am

starving!

(FUN LIVELY MUSIC)

Oooh Chernobyl footprint.

Plum.

Is it 'cause this is so fucking boring?

No, it's 'cause you need an apple.

This apple has no taste.

Biscotti.

- (BUZZING)
- Hello.

A survey, of course I have the time.

Well now you look like a reader.

Cuba, interesting. I'm a mess.

I will be right back.

(WATER TRICKLING)

Whoa.

Lots of words in the tub.

Ah! Read.

(UPTEMPO PERCUSSION)

Oh mother of...

Moldova that's so interesting.

Yes.

- I love reading!
- (UPTEMPO PERCUSSION)

Woo!

Subscription

killed!

PINK SWEATER WOMAN: How's it going
you need help with the fire there?

No no I'm just, um,

grabbing some twigs and starting off

building a little teepee structure

to get the fire going.

Light it up here and we'll
have a fire in no time.

There we go.

Yeah, see if you only light it
in one spot it takes a while,

it burns unevenly if you
just light it all over.

Oh you use a, a plastic lighter?

Yeah, you know,

I've just been caught out
with rain a few too many times,

matches they just get wet too easily.

Yeah, see there you go, it's all around.

Yeah it's funny, see when you do
light it up in all the areas...

- Yeah it's nice.
- Well, yeah,

but see how it's just
going to burn itself out.

- Mm.
- A little more tinder.

- Let's get some more of that tinder on here.
- Kindling.

Different regions of the
country call it different names.

PINK SWEATER WOMAN: You know
what really actually helps

use some corn chips, they
make a great accelerant.

I think that works like on the Internet

but in real life you just
want to kind of fan the fire.

- I prefer a more sort of organic fire.
- Mm.

Anyway, you can't really change it

now that you've put those on.

I went to summer camp so.

- Girl guides.
- Girl guides.

- Yeah.
- Huh.

When I'm at Algonquin Park

I like to do it this way, you know.

PINK SWEATER WOMAN: You know, when
I was camping on Baffin Island

we had to make some signal fires.

There, okay, there we go, it's a nice...

That's a log cabin.

Yeah, log structure, yeah.

I mean, we might want to
build it up a little bit.

Yeah, like the wood does
have to last all day.

- I brought a saw.
- (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

?

- Ah.
- Uh,

with that kind of
structure you really need to

brace it like a pyramid
so that it doesn't, uh,

topple over.

Hm, what were you thinking?

Well...

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(GRUNTING)

PINK SWEATER WOMAN: Yeah the root
balls are a little bit dense,

they don't burn so well.

I'm going to leave it
in the sun to dry a bit

before I throw it on.

PINK SWEATER WOMAN:
It takes a few weeks for that.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Yeah this, this girl's not ready yet.

Yeah there's actually no
low branches on that one.

BLUE SHIRT WOMAN: Well, yeah,
it's hard to see them sometimes.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

So you just gotta build a brace here,

there we go, for the air chamber.

Hm.

Yeah, you know,

I just think if you
really want to cap that off

you just need a little,
a little more, uh,

a little more fuel,

let me just show you what
I'm talking about here.

Yeah there you go.

Well a real accelerant, this
one would actually do the trick.

Might be able to burn the chair a bit...

- Whoa!
- (BOOM)

I think the fire's going great now.

Mm.

We're going to work
on pitching the tent?

- Yeah let's do it.
- Okay.

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