All language subtitles for Baroness Von Sketch Show s02e04 Taco and a Hair Flip.eng

And in summation I will
leave you with this

startling statistic.

After marriage

women earn 10% less than
when they were single

while married men often
earn up to 44% more.

Women are also more likely
to suffer spousal abuse

and take on more domestic labour

and child care than
their male counterparts

than before they tied the knot.

Thank you for your time.

Thank you Lynn.

And now we'll hear from
the father of the bride.

Top that Dad.

How you gonna top that?

["Dancing Underwater"
Brave Shores]

? Me and my friends
will spike the punch ?

? Rolling in the party
we'll start the fun ?

? Get fancy ?

? Hey Hey ?

? There's no clouds its just the sun ?

? Living in times that
are meant for fun yeah ?

? Hold your breath a little longer ?

? Let's go dancing underwater ?

? Oh, oh, oh oh ?

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy -
- www.addic7ed.com -

[Knocking]

Woman: Hello?

Everyone: Hi!

Woman: Hello, hello, hello!

And welcome.

Welcome.

Woman 4: Thank you.

How was the drive up?

Ah, lots of traffic but we made it.

Oh great. Shut the door, shut the door.

- Oh, oh sorry.
- Blackfly season.

Oh sorry.

That's okay, that's okay.

There's a few rules up
here but the number one is,

enjoy the cottage.

Absolutely!

That does not sound hard.

- This is amazing.
- Yeah.

And it's ah no shoes at the cottage.

Oh okay, sorry.

Where's the washroom?

Woman: Oh it is right there,

and we try not to flush too much so, uh,

if it's yellow let it mellow.

- Right. Got it.
- Great.

Okay, um, just rip into these.

Woman: Oh oh,

actually if you cannot eat chips inside

we don't want the chip
crumbs because of the ants.

Okay I'll just eat the chips later.

Oh no it's okay,

you can have them now just
have them outside on the porch.

Have my chips on the porch?

Yeah you can just go out on the porch.

No thanks.

Yeah you just go out on
the porch, it's fine.

Oooh a beer,

it's okay to drink beer, that's fine.

But just when you're done make
sure to rinse it in the sink

and put it in the recycling.

Okay.

Woman: Okay great, and also be careful

just don't put it down on the counter

or if you do

make sure that you wipe first

before you put it down on the counter

and then also look

to make sure that you
don't leave a brown ring.

I notice that's an ale.

Don't use this to wipe it up,

it's very expensive so

just better if I do the wiping.

So you do the spilling,
I'll do the wiping,

it's just expensive. [Toilet Flushing]

Some people use too much.

Sorry, I'll do my best to remember that.

Woman: Okay.

Okay, who's up for a swim?

Woman 2: Yay, yay!

Arlene, um,

did you really need to flush?

Um, yes.

Are you sure? Was it, ah,

was it mellow?

It was not.

So I'm going to trust, ah,

that you did need to trust but in future

really don't flush unless
you have to, okay.

So we're just going to let that one go.

Okay.

Now if anyone absolutely needs a shower

you can go outside we have a hose

attached to a water bladder,

it's going to take three or four hours

for the sun to warm the bladder.

Once the bladder's warm

you can have a shower, okay?

I don't need a shower
because I'm going to be

living at the beach!

[Cheering]

Woman: About the beach,

when you come back from the beach

make sure you don't bring
your wet towels inside.

You want to hang them out on the line.

Now don't hang them over
the cottage railing,

because the dampness is
going to rot the wood.

Some of the other things,

if you want to make a fire that is okay,

you can do that.

You can make a teepee
or you can make a log.

You can go make the teepee
form or you can make a log.

What I prefer is that you make
a teepee with a log around it.

Also if you need to wash your
hair don't use any shampoos,

even the biodegradable,

even the organic kind in the lake.

It causes algae and it's
not good for the fish

so it's okay to drive a motorboat

and have the gasoline in the lake

but it's not okay to have the
organic products in the lake.

Okay? Understood?

I'm going to fix you your
first drink when you get here.

But after that

you just go to the fridge

and you help yourself
to drinks after that.

I am not your servant, okay.

So you come,

get yourself a drink

and uh fix it up.

Make sure there's no
alcohol in it though

I am a recovering alcoholic

and it might trigger me
if you have a drink.

That beer is okay because
I never really liked beer.

It wasn't really my drink.

But gin was my drink and so is vodka.

So anything potato based or gin based

is actually kind of a no go for me.

But we're going to have a
great time here, okay.

Okay thank you for having us.

Yeah, this has been great.

This is great, you know what,

this is a really good weekend guys.

It's been a magical fifteen minutes.

Thanks so much, bye.

Welcome.

Have a great weekend.

- Enjoy.
- Bye.

Safe trip home okay.

Yeah. Thank you.

Woman: Okay.

Ah, that worked out well.

Now where is the gin?

Ooh.

Wow.

That's a really serious salad.

What's in it?

There is lots of different stuff.

Um, bulgur, mung beans,

there's a sprinkle of wheat grass,

there's some kale root,

there's sixteen different
types of seeds.

Whoa.

Okay actually,

you know what never mind,

clearly we're just in a
different space right now.

I'm in the space where I love my body

and you're doing what you need to do

with your fries. So...

Okay.

Well it looks delicious.

I'm sure it will be.

I'm just going to
finish this at my desk.

Okay. I'm going to eat this.

See you later.

Have a good one.

Mmm, this is so good.

Mmm.

My body loves me, mmm mmm mmm.

Mmm.

[Lively Swing Music]

Mother of god.

Mother.

[Spitting]

Oh my gosh.

This is just terrible.

That's okay, you can do this Tammy.

Good to your body,

good to it.

?

[Gagging]

What the... [Spitting]

Come on,

come on,

shake it off.

I'm going to rip right into you,

you piece of shit.

?

Try...

Try try again.

Just line it up Tammy.

Line it up.

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

[Uptempo Instrumental]

?

Meeting's in ten minutes.

[Mumbling] I'll be there in a minute.

[Lively Swing Music]

?

[Whirring]

Tammy: Bang.

Nope that's, didn't work.

[Lively Swing Music]

?

No...

Arrrrr.

- Sorry I'm late.
- Because the operating laws for EMP

for the first six months
of 2016 was 8 million

compared to 58 million
operating earnings

for the first six months of...

Hey uhm,

I think there's a uh
mung bean on your shirt.

Here.

You hungry?

Do you want to eat it?

It's good for you.

Trainer: Sweat!

Sweat!

Feel it!

And forget about

what makes you small

'cause you're big here!

Let's get skinny!

I want to see...

I want to see you work!

Work work work work work...

Hi, hi, hey.

Hey.

Hey I was just wondering, you know,

I'm uh ready to workout

just wondering what uh
workouts you guys have.

Alright we can get you
into some good stuff.

We, uh, we've got The Barbara over here,

20 pull ups,

30 pushups, 40 sit ups,

50 squats.

Seems a little intense
maybe, I don't know.

Alright, okay.

We've got a little lighter, The Cindy.

5 pulls ups,

10 pushups,

15 squats.

Yep, okay.

You know, you might be more of a Tracy.

What's the Tracy?

The Tracy is right over here,

it's uh ten vodka shots,

five hours of sleep,

one discreet vomit

and then a cigarette.

I think I'm just going to try that.

- Alright. Hop in there.
- Yeah.

Trainer: You are crushing it Trace.

Get that cigarette high.

- Tracy: Okay.
- Alright.

Some of your vomit is
by the front door though

if you could clean it up.

Okay.

Trainer: Alright.

- Hoohaa.
- Ow.

Trainer: Tracy!

[Sniff]

Hey, Tracy why does my
hand smell like shit?

Tracy: You know why.

? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ?

? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ?

[Knocking]

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hello.

Come on in, have a seat.

Is everything okay?

Are you um...

Are you happy

here Melanie?

Do you...

Do you like working here?

Absolutely I'm very happy.

I'm happy here.

You are? Okay.

Listen, why don't you read this email

that you sent to Tim last week.

Okay.

Great to see you yesterday.

Let me know when you
can send those files.

Best, Melanie.

Best.

Best?

Do you hate yourself?

Did somebody hurt you?

Why would you?

I'm not sure. I don't understand.

- Okay let me read it to you.
- Okay.

Great to see you yesterday, period.

Let me know when you can
send those files, period.

Melanie is it-is it that
you like working here

but you just wish all
your co-workers were dead?

Is that...

Is that what we're getting at here?

Okay, you know what?

Here, take a look at this.

Take a look at this email
that Jill sent to the team.

Hey gang, exclamation point.

Sending some last minute encouragement

before the big presyntash,

it's an abbrevs.

Presyntash, she even
spelled it with a y,

presyntash.

You can do it, exclamation point.

Jill, exclamation point.

She puts an exclamation
mark after her name.

There's nothing wrong with
throwing in an exclamash,

you know?

Just a little exclamation,

lets people know that you're upbeat,

you know, that you're not gonna

skin us alive.

I feel that my punctuation
it's more than appropriate.

And I feel like you should be
put on some kind of watch list.

Here take a look at this.

Your email over here it's...

It's all words, word, word, word, word.

Letter, letter, letter,
letter phonetically

strung together in the English language.

What are you, from old timey England?

You used a semicolon the other day.

Are you the psychopath
in the office next door?

Sometimes when Todd sends out an email,

he adds like a poop with eyes.

And oh god we laugh.

It's fun Melanie.

Poop's fun.

Ah, okay you know what Mel?

How about next time
you send out an email

remember that work can be fun.

Okay put a subject line

with like a heading that has,

you know, a fist and a
prescription pill or something.

Tells people that you're productive

but also, you know,

that you've got addiction issues.

You're fun.

Okay?

Mhm.

Great.

[Sighs]

- That's it.
- Oh okay.

Melanie: Thank you.

Mhm.

Take a look at your phone.

[Chime]

It's taco and a hair flip.

Yeah that's you.

We're bonding.

Being new to this parish

I never had the pleasure
of knowing Donald.

But after speaking to many of you here

I have been left with a very
clear impression of him.

He was a loving husband to Janet.

Good friend to many of you here.

He liked to play a little guitar

and he enjoyed mint
chocolate chip ice cream.

But mostly

he liked to fuck.

Excuse me,

I'm sorry to bother you but
I've left my glasses at home

and I'm-and I'm trying to send an email.

Oh well I can help you.

Oh thank you.

Okay um, yeah let's just get in here.

- Okay. Thank you so much.
- Oh you're welcome.

- You're very sweet.
- Oh not at all.

Okay this is to my granddaughter.

Nice.

Okay.

Dear Samantha

comma, new paragraph.

I heard you moved in
with your new girlfriend.

Oh, could you put girlfriend

in-in quotation marks please.

Oh, sure.

Thank you.

Your new girlfriend Natasha, period.

Natasha, period.

No no no that's-that's her name,

- Natasha Period.
- Oh.

That's her last name Period.

- Ah, new paragraph.
- Okay.

I'm writing to let you know

that I have removed you

from my will

because of your abhorrent

and sinful lifestyle.

New paragraph.

Oh you know, um,

this sounds really
personal I'm just gonna...

I'm gonna let you finish that up.

Oh.

[Loud Voice] Sins

will be

punished

with hell fire.

You know what, why don't you just

you're up here,

let's keep you here.

And we'll just,

I'll just get this done.

- I'm sorry.
- Okay.

Okay.

I hope that you received

the charming birthday card I sent you

because it will be the last one

that you will receive from me.

Yep.

Love and kisses,

Grandma Eileen.

Grandma

- Eileen.
- Eileen. Mhm.

Thank you. Oh, thank you.

- That's it?
- Mhm. Thank you.

Okay.

Send.

Okay.

- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.

[Sighs]

You know,

would you help me write

a letter to my ex-boyfriend?

Oh.

Okay, let's do this.

Hey when lunch is over

do you want to go back to the office

and run up and down the
stairwell with me?

My Fitbit says that I'm at 5,348 steps

and I need to hit 10,000 today.

Mmm, I'd love to but

my Fitbit says I'm only getting

three hours of quality sleep a night so

I kinda just need to
go back to the office

and have a nap.

Okay, okay.

Hey Shoosh is that a Fitbit?

Do you want to join me?

Oh no this is a Fatbit.

It tracks every time
society body shames me.

Otherwise my self-esteem
would be through the roof.

Marnie, you want to join?

Oh I would but my Funbit says

I've got to drink this thermos of wine.

[Beeping]

Oooh that's my Fuckbit

I've got to go meet my lover

for a quickie on the photocopier.

Shirley?

No I'm good.

Does your Fitbit say you can't?

Shirley: Oh no no, that's a watch.

It's just a watch.

I do whatever the fuck I want.

Cool.

? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ?

? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ?

Woman: Do you do Pinterest?

Woman 2: I signed up.

I don't understand it.

I never went back.

It's like Snapchat, what?

I know and I keep getting these...

Isabel.

Caroline.

Everyone: Hello. Hi.

What is that? What is that?

Is that a scarf?

Oh, this?

No, this is just a blanket scarf.

Oh, genius.

I love it.

I know it is pretty warm and cozy

and it's nice isn't it?

- It is really nice.
- It's beautiful.

You can wear it like uh a shawl,

you can wear it like a scarf or

like a blanket.

Just like a blanket.

Isabel: It's so nice.

I just want to snuggle right up to you.

- Come lie down.
- Have a scone.

Yeah come sit down
I'll read you a story.

Yeah, tuck into a carb,
tuck into a carb.

Scarf Woman: Oh this looks nice.

Thanks for ordering.

Mm, beautiful.

[China Crashing]

Oh.

She is so cool.

She is so cool.

She's gorgeous.

That's a duvet scarf.

I feel like garbage in this now.

You kind of look like garbage.

Oh thanks.

[Knocking]

Grace: Hello.

- Hi.
- Grace?

- Come in.
- Rina, Henry.

Hi.

Grace: Hi. Come in, come in,
come in, come in.

Oh, wow this place is amazing.

I know.

Oh it's even better than the pictures.

Thank you, you are just,

you know what

you're so sweet with your little
Valentine's romantic getaway.

Now listen, the city it
can be very romantic

and I just want to ? welcome you ?

to my very romantic apartment.

Yay you're here, romance.

Ah, actually we were just going
to pick up the keys quickly.

- Grace: These keys?
- Yes.

Grace: These keys.

I don't think so.

I'm just going to give you the
tour of the romance first, okay.

Right this way.

You know what this is?

You want to know what this is.

This is a home studio oak countertop,

you know what that can do?

It can take a pounding.

Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm hmm, hmm, hmm.

Good to know.

Grace: Yeah it is really good to know.

You know what else is good to know?

Cooking oils. Who loves a cooking oil?

? Hands up if you like a cooking oil? ?

? We got walnut ?

? we got truffle, we got sesame ?

? you want to rub it on a turkey ?

? you want to rub it in a pan ?

? you just wanna rub it in
and rub it in and a rub it. ?

I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know.

Ah, I really don't think
we'll be cooking much

I think we'll eat out.

Eat out.

There's something else

I want to show you.

Are you sure about this?

It'll be fine once she leaves.

Okay.

Grace: And right this way.

This is a very prrrrr,
prrrr, prrrr, prrrr, prrrr

really, really take a pounding as well.

You want to lay back on it

go ahead 'cause you're going
by this again and again

and again and again.

Maybe like this.

Maybe you want to do a
little bit of this.

Maybe one leg up like this.

Maybe we should just get the keys, huh?

Yeah.

Grace: I don't know
maybe you just want to

turn on some surround
sound and do whatever.

This right here

is a licked leather boar sofa

sometimes I like to take my finger,

you know what I do?

I rub it right here along this crease

just give a little tease,

oh oh oh, oh ding ding ding ding.

Know what that's called?

That's called the friggin' jackpot.

Ah, is there some like ah, ah

code for like the alarm or for the door?

- The door.
- The door?

Is there?

'Cause I think you Henry you
know what you were saying,

like yeah Rina, yeah,

maybe you want to get on this.

What's that?

Why don't you let me tell me,

that's the key turning in the door,

[Whispering] who could that be?

It's me.

I've come home early.

Sorry, what's happening
in the story now?

I say, 'Well I wasn't expecting
you both still to be here'.

And then you say, 'Oh god,

I don't know how we're going to
pay you for the extra night'.

And I say, 'Ah don't you worry about it.

I know a way'.

And then the both of ya's...

Okay, no, no. No thank you.

Sorry, no. Let's just go.

This is weird.

She's weird.

Couple good ideas that you could use.

Rina: Totally.

- Henry: Yeah.
- Yeah.

Make sure you write a good review.

See if your parents want to come.

[Sighs]

It's so great to have you.

You've seen the registry right?

Yeah. Great.

Wonderful, you saw the registry?

Mhm. Great.

Whoa, whoa, this is so nice.

This is so nice.

- Hello.
- It's so nice.

Oh, you went all out.

Woman: Yes.

What um exactly are we celebrating?

The invitation wasn't too clear.

Oh it's, um, it's a payback party.

You know, I-I've never had a
wedding or a stagette

or an engagement party or a baby shower

or bachelorette or anything
like that and, uh,

I've been to all of yours.

Oooh.

Yeah, did you get a chance
to look at my registry?

Ah yeah, I wanted to ask you
about that actually.

Um, I just want to know why

all the items were over $500?

It's really weird 'cause

the gift that I got on the registry

is like really affordable.

I just got whisk.

Yeah everything was under a 100.

Yeah it depended on whether
or not you gave me a plus one

to your wedding.

Oooohhhh.

Wait a minute,

you had a plus one at my wedding

and I still got the expensive registry.

Did you have a baby shower?

Two, you planned one...

Oh.

Right.

Okay well listen,

I'm going to say hi to my parents.

Um, my god this day goes by so fast.

Let's get a drink.

Yes please.

Let's get a drink, let's get a drink.

Woman 4: Ooh I love an open bar.

No no no no no no,

it was not an open bar
at your wedding so no.

Okay come on, this is ridiculous.

No what's ridiculous is
a destination wedding

at an all-inclusive

with a cash bar.

That is what is ridiculous so no.

Truth.

Ah forget it. I'm outta here.

Woman 2: See ya. Excuse me, hi.

Thank you so much for coming.
That's great.

Oh uh make sure you grab a
party favour on your way out.

Hey!

This is from my wedding.

[Groans]

It's good jam.

Oh mine, thank you.

Thank you.

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