All language subtitles for Baroness Von Sketch Show s01e04 If The Killer Is Watching.eng

Hi, is this the
admissions office?

Sure is.

How can I
help you?

Okay.

I cheated on
my taxes,

I slept with my
sister's boyfriend,

I didn't cry at my
father's funeral,

I killed a
dog I just...

Oh, oh, oh, no this is
university admissions.

- Oh, my God.
-Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Okay, okay.

I plagiarized
my essay,

I slept with my
calculus professor,

I defaulted on my
student loans,

I killed
a dog,

like in a really
unexpected way.

Um...

["Dancing Underwater"-Brave Shores]

? Me and my friends
will spike the punch, ?

? Lovin' ourselves
and causing fun ?

? Yeah ?

? Hey, hey ?

? There's no clouds,
it's just the sun ?

? Livin' in times that
are meant for fun ?

? Yeah ?

? Hold your breath
a little longer ?

? Let's go dancing
underwater ?

Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

Thank you all for
being here today.

The police force is
currently working

on some significant
leads.

New evidence has
come to light

that we feel will lead to an
arrest in the coming days.

If the killer is watching,
turn yourself in.

We are closing
in on you.

Let us assure
the public

that we are working
day in and day out

to make sure that
justice will be served.

I will now take
any questions.

Abigail Forecheck: Abigail
Forecheck from The Sun.

What are some of your
must-have products

that you cannot leave
the house without?

Excuse me?

Abigail Forecheck: What is
in your purse right now?

Followup to that:
is it a gloss or a balm?

I'd really prefer
to discuss the case.

Are there any questions
about police work, anyone?

Reporters:
Yes, yes, yes.

Yes. - Carrie Rottencamp
from The Globe.

How do balance being a
police chief and a mom?

I don't have children.

Abigail Forecheck: Tick tock,
get on that, get on that.

Carrie Rottencamp:
Why is that?

Are you having trouble finding
that special someone?

I'm really focused on
apprehending the suspect

at the moment.

Yes, what is your
relationship to the suspect?

Is it a Ross
and Rachel,

will they won't
they situation,

is that it?

Okay, you know what, that's
enough, that's enough.

Abigail Forecheck:
Is that the problem?

That's enough, thank
you all for coming.

And if the families of the
victims are watching...

Who are you wearing?!

Carrie Rottencamp: Yeah,
is a wedding in the cards?

Reporter 3:
Who are you wearing?!

Abigail Forecheck: Are you
a Carrie or a Samantha?

Who are you wearing?!

Carrie Rottencamp: Are you
wearing pantyhose right now?

How do you feel about
interrogation techniques?

Just kidding, who
are you wearing?

Who are you wearing?

Reporters:
Who are you wearing?

[Chanting] Reporters:
Who are you wearing?

Who are you wearing?

Lady Cop.

Reporter 3:
Lady Cop, thank you.

Abigail Forecheck: That's
all we wanted to know.

It's so difficult.

[Cool, Bass Music]

?

?

[Water Flushes]

[Cool, Bass Music]

?

?

?

?

?

[Groans]

[Cool, Bass Music]

?

?

[Traffic Noise]

Thanks for
the lift.

When my car died
I was like,

"Who do I call?"

"Sue from Sales
and Marketing."

This is fun.

It's like we're
carpoolers.

Sure.

Sue and Cheryl,

Cheryl and Sue,

hittin' the road.

- Yeah.
-Yeah.

So, what's the
deal with Sue?

You know,

what does uh what does
Sue like to do for fun?

Sue's not much of
a morning talker.

Cheryl:
Ah.

Why is that,
do you think?

Um, no
offence but

I kind of have a raging
headache right now.

Oh, you hungover?

Yeah, you
been boozin'?

[In British accent] I'm not much
of a partier on a week night.

Don't hit the booze too
much on a week night me.

[Regular Voice] Coffee um only
tricks your body into thinking

that it feels better when what
it really wants is water.

I'm pretty happy
with the coffee.

- Are ya?
-Yeah.

'Cause um, I got some water
right here if you want some.

No, thanks.

Cheryl:
No, it's great.

Well, it's
just that

coffee's acidic and-and
water's alkaline and uh...

Well, Sue, cancer can't
live in an alkalized body.

So, you probably
want to have water.

Just back off with
the water, please.

You know what, I'll have
a sip and you have a sip.

No, that's the last
thing I want to do.

You're probably
just dehydrated.

- Here you go.
-Really not good...

- No that's really what it is!
- Oh, Christ almighty!

Cheryl, I don't want
to hate you right now.

I barely even know you but
if you don't get that water

out of my face,

I'm gonna ram right
into that Pryus.

And the nice people in
the Pryus are gonna die.

And you're
gonna die.

And you
know what?

I can't afford to feel any
worse than I do right now.

Okay?

- It's pronounced Prius.
-Oh, my God.

[Car burns rubber]

Jesus loves you.

Jesus loves you.

Jesus loves you.

Jesus likes you
as a friend.

Jesus loves you.

Firefighter: Once again, I'd
like to congratulate you

on maintaining your smoke
alarms that's what prevented-

Thank you for
all your help.

Kate.

Oh. Thank you.

Come here,
come here.

Oh.

We came as soon
as we heard.

Oh, we saw on the news last
night there was a fire.

We thought,
"Oh, no...

"A fire. I hope
Kate's okay."

Friend 2: We did
and we thought,

"She must be an
absolute wreck."

It must be terrible.

You must be in
such rough shape.

Actually, you
know what?

I'm totally fine.

Okay, good.

Good, great.

Friend 1: I hope
no one was hurt.

- Oh, hurt.
-Was anyone hurt?

That would
be awful.

That would
be so awful.

Everyone is okay.

Good, good.

That's good,
good, good.

But the devastation.

Oh, so the devastation.

There must be
so much damage.

A lot of damage?

A lot of damage?

Well, you
know what?

The fire department
got here so quickly

and there was way less
damage than I thought.

Oh, thank
you so much.

Thank you.

Good, good.

That's good,
good, good.

Good, good, good,
good, good.

- Um, let's us...
-Do you want to?

- go. Okay.
-Go.

Although this is
nothing compared

to what happened
next door.

Ooh, what happened
next door?

Friend:
I hope nobody died.

Well, yes, two
people died.

Oh.

Kate: And one person's
in the hospital.

Oh. Oh, no.

We're gonna stay.

- Yeah, we're gonna stay.
- Okay, you know what?

Come upstairs, and
we'll have some tea.

Will you tell us
all about it?

It was crazy,
it was crazy.

I mean, thankfully
we're all fine

but then I looked
over next door

and there was so
many ambulances.

[Door Knocking]

Ms. Fitz, you wanted
to speak to me?

Great initiative,
Natalie, come in.

Come in,
sit down.

And you call me
Tracy, please.

Okay?

Hi.

I remember starting out in
the big, scary workplace.

I had two outfits
and one cardigan.

You know what,
I made it work.

I had no one
to help me.

I had no idea what I
wanted to do with my life.

Now you look at
me now, Natalie.

You look at
me now, okay?

Do not be intimidated
by my car,

by my clothes,
or by my eyebrows.

You know why?

Because you
remind me of me

when I was young.

And I want
to nurture

and I want to mentor
that potential.

Whatever it takes.

Now, you
tell me...

You tell me your
career goals.

You dream big,
go ahead.

Full time employment
with benefits.

Never gonna happen.

Go again.

A Metro pass.

Probably not,
one more.

A gift certificate?

[Makes buzz noise] Tracy:
Fail.

Out, can you call
in Carol for me?

Natalie:
Yeah.

Tracy: Shouldn't have
showed you that.

? Ohoh, ohoh, ohoh ?

? Ohoh, ohoh, ohoh ?

Bouncer:
Just you?

Yeah, go ahead.

[Indistinct chatter]

Bouncer: Yeah, it's on her way.
Alright.

I.D., please.

Oh, I uh, didn't
think to bring any.

Oh, can't let you in
without I.D., ma'am.

I mean, you just
called me ma'am, so...

I mean look
at us.

There is not a single other
"ma'am" in this line anywhere.

We are The Ma'ams.

So, yeah.

Oh, come on,
no buddy.

It's-it's our
friend's birthday.

It's her 40th birthday.

Do you honestly believe
we're underage?

I mean I remember when chips
and salsa was invented so.

What?

You two,
come on.

What? Are you serious?

Really? okay, they're...

Bouncer: Good to
see you again.

Girl 2: Okay, alright,
this is crazy.

I make my own
nut milk.

I take organic almonds
and I soak them

and then I squeeze them
through a cheesecloth.

I'm 45.

Ma'am, I can't let you
in because of some

non-dairy milk
you claim to make.

[Sighs]
Okay, uh listen.

This sweater is
from Liz Claiborne.

I don't care who gave
her the sweater.

I can't let her
in without I.D.

Okay, alright, alright.

I lost my virginity
to Dirty Dancing,

at the drive-in,

in the backseat of a
Nissan Pulsar, okay?

I have an off-peak
membership to Curves.

Girl 2: I still have a
Hotmail account, okay?

It is costing us each $70
in babysitting to be here.

Please.

Girl 2: Okay,
you know what?

We're just gonna get
out of here, okay?

Linda will understand.

Fine, we're gonna go somewhere
else, thanks so much.

No, no.

We are gonna
get in there

and we are going
to partay.

Bouncer:
Hold on.

Linda? That's
your friend?

You have a friend
named Linda?

Yeah.

[Laughing] Go ahead.

I didn't know you
were that old.

Linda.

Say hi to Linda.

[Laughing] Have fun.

Don't break a hip.

[Laughs]

I.D. [Clears Throat]

[Funky Electronic Music]

We named our
daughter Lola.

Oh, that's
very nice.

We named
ours Layla.

Oh.

That's interesting.

We called ours
Laa(mouth clicking)la.

Oh. That's nice.

I'm a creative person.

I love it.

What did you name
your daughter?

Joanne.

Joanne?

Oh uh, she's
gluten intolerant

and she can't be
in the sun, ever.

Oh.

Yeah, she'll die if
she spots a sunset.

Interesting, Joanne.

Okay, thanks so much
for coming in everybody.

We just need to nail
down a few specifics

for the
Christmas party.

Woman 2: No problem,
happy to help.

Happy to help.

Here's the problem:

We um, we can't call
it a Christmas party.

Oh, of course.

Okay, so let's call
it the holiday party.

Okay.

Woman 2: Okay,
great, good save.

Holiday party.

Okay, so we want to really
have a fun time this year

so we were thinking
that maybe we...

Yeah, before we
do any thinking

here's the problem:

we don't know where
we're gonna have it.

Well, that's not
really a problem.

That's just what
we're here to decide.

Yeah and how about
the Rosewater?

'Cause it's
right downtown,

it has a very
cool vibe.

That's, yeah,
it's great.

Yeah, here's
the problem:

not everyone at
our office is cool.

I think it'll
be okay.

Okay, but if
it's downtown

and people aren't able
to find their way there

'cause they're
not cool enough,

then we're gonna
have a problem.

I'll send everybody
a Google Map.

Woman 2: Okay, well not
everyone has a computer.

Sure they do,
they do.

That they know
how to use, Janer?

Woman: Okay, you know what?
Just to be safe,

I'm going to
print out a map.

Okay, are we
done here?

Yeah, I
think so.

Yeah, here's
the problem:

I don't know what
the budget is.

Oh um, I will
call accounting,

they'll tell me
how much they have.

- Done, easy.
-Great.

So yes,
we'll go.

Woman 2:
Yeah, sounds easy.

It does
but um,

what if all our employees
get too attached

to your trendy,
cool location

and then we find out
that we can't afford it?

We'll make a
tentative reservation.

What if they don't take
tentative reservations?

Then we'll go
somewhere else.

Woman 2: Okay, but
everyone still has the map

to your original location
so it might be a problem.

You know what?

Janer's in charge
of the budget

so why don't we let her just
go down and talk to accounting

before we anticipate
any more problems, okay?

How about that?

[Thud]

[Tires screeching
and crash]

Here's the problem.

[Whimsical Whistle
like Music]

[Gasp]

[Gelatinous Slurping]

[Moaning]

[Growling]

[Squeaking]

Woman: I am so
proud of us

for making Girls'
Night finally happen.

Ladies:
Yeah.

Woman 2: We
manifested it though.

We said we'd do
it and we did it.

Yes.

Woman 3:
You know what,

this is Girls'
Night Out.

Out! Out! Out!

Check us out,
out, out.

Here's to us.

And those who
want to be us.

Wait. Can we look each
other in the eyes

before we
clink glasses?

Yes, okay.

Eyes, eyes, eyes,
eyes, eyes.

Woman 2: Waiter, do you think
we can have another round?

He's on me first.

So tell me,
how are the kids?

Oh, I don't
want to know.

I don't want
to know.

Ever.

Do you mind?

I am so tired of
being a mother.

Are you ready for
your next bottle?

Ladies:
Oh, yes.

The next and the next and
the next and the next.

Ooh, yeah, no I think
this is a bit off.

Or is it Canadian.
I can't tell.

Woman 3: You know what I think
it's good enough for me.

You're good
enough for me.

It's the same grape you've
been drinking all evening.

You know what, can we have
a bottle of the Amarone?

Put that on
her tab.

Ladies:
Cheers! Cheers!

Eyes, eyes,
eyes, eyes.

Woman 3: We were on our
second date and I was like,

"What, you want to
stick it in where?"

There's more than one
place you can put it?

What did you
just say?

Brenda?

Brenda: Where else
can you put it?

Woman 3:
Where do you think

other places the
penis can go?

Just blue sky here,
help me out.

Your hair?

Woman 3: If you want to stick
a dick in your hair...

Woman 3:
Waiter!

Horny waiter!

I think she's wearing
Spanx as a dress.

Oh no, what
happened on there?

Waiter: It's not the first
time I've seen this.

Waiter:
Ma'am, please sit down.

Woman 3:
I am sittin' down.

Waiter:
Sit.

You inspire me.

You don't let
failure stop you.

You don't let what people
say about you stop you.

You just let...

I just love you.

You're so pretty.

Woman 3:
I am, I'm so pretty.

You're so pretty.

Woman 3: I'm like
a fashion model.

Woman:
You're so pretty.

Woman 3:
I know.

You gonna kiss
her or what?

No!

I wouldn't,
would you?

Imagine if I
kissed you!

I love you
so much.

Woman 3:
I know.

Woman 2:
It's so hot.

Brenda:
Guys, we manifested this.

No, no, no.

We womanifested it.

We womanifested it.

Brenda:
To us.

And those who
want to be us.

Eyes, eyes,
eyes, eyes.

Woman:
I is drunk.

Girls' Night Out!

Yeah.

? ohoh, ohoh, ohoh ?

? ohoh, ohoh, ohoh ?

Intercom: Paging Dr. Webyoung
to microbiology.

Dr. Webyoung to
microbiology.

Oh, doctor.

Doctor, I got a message
that my mother is here.

Is she okay?

Oh, you must be
the daughter.

Yes.

Well, I'm sorry to be the one
to have to tell you this

but your mother uh....
[Phone Notification]

Your mother um...

[Clicking]
Your mother has a mass...

She has a mass...

She has a massive uh
room on the second floor

but it's only
a semiprivate.

I am so sorry
about that.

It must be a
clerical error.

No, that's fine,
that's fine.

But what-what's
going on with her?

I'm going
crazy here.

We couldn't discuss your
mother's medical condition

until we ran
a few tests.

It seems that your mother...
[Phone Notification]

ah she has can...

Cans...

She has cansa...

Oh, she has cancelled uh
her medical insurance

so you're gonna have
to pay for those tests

out of pocket.

Ah, that explains
the semiprivate.

Mystery solved.

Wait, wait,
wait, wait.

I still don't know what's
wrong with my mother.

Doctor:
Oh, God.

Has nobody told
you anything?

- No.
-I can't believe

they didn't say
anything to you.

[Phone Notification]

I'm not gonna
check that.

[Phone Notification]

Ah so, when you
uh checked in

what exactly did they tell
you at the front desk?

Ah, well, nothing.

They just said
that uh...

uh she
was here

and they tried to get
hold of my brother

and then when
they called me

that I was the
first person...

Slipper with eyes.

Sorry.

Can you just put
the phone down?

Oh, God, absolutely,
absolutely.

Just gonna finish this
text right here and...

sent.

Doctor, what is wrong
with my mother?!

Okay, Ms. McMIllan,
calm down.

- Your mother is fine.
-Ms. McMillan?

No, I'm Laura Bailey.

My mother is
Rose Bailey.

Oh, Rose Bailey.

Yeah, she's dead.
[Clicking]

Yeah, sorry
about that.

[Phone Notification]
Oh.

Woman: I have been binge
watching so much TV lately.

I just finished two
seasons of The Fall.

Oh, is that the one with
the really good looking

serial killer who rapes
and murders women?

Yes, with Gillian Anderson
as the lead detective.

Isn't she fantastic?

So good,
so good.

I have to say it
is so refreshing

to finally see television

with a strong
female lead.

Tell me
about it.

Diane, we are living in
television's golden age

of empowered women.

Absolutely.

I mean it used to be you'd
only see pretty girls

getting raped and
murdered on TV

but now you get to see a
powerful woman investigate

pretty girls getting
raped and murdered on TV.

We've come a
long way, baby.

We sure have.

[Shovelling]

Oh my God, oh my God,
oh my God.

Oh god, Sarah,
stop crying!

We all agreed.

Fuck Tom,

marry James,

kill Todd.

[Clank]

Woman:
Okay.

[Groaning]

There he goes.

[Thud]

Now go
call Tom.

He's gonna be
so excited.

Woman 2:
See ya, Todd.

- Bye.
- He was nice.

Woman:
That's good enough.

Sarah:
Hey, Tom?

Yeah, it's Sarah.

From the office.

[Laughs] Yeah.

I'm just out
with the girls.

Um, listen...

I will now take

any questions.

What is in your purse

right now?

Follow up to that,

is it a gloss or a balm?

Who are you wearing?

Is a wedding
in the cards?

Who are you wearing?

Are you a Carrie

or a Samantha?

Who are you wearing?

Are you wearing
pantyhose

right now?

Announcer:
The smartest

show on TV wants you.

Show us what

kind of smart you are.

Apply now at:

cbc.ca/smartestperson

Who would that be?
It could be you.

Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0