All language subtitles for All.Over.the.Guy.2001.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
TRIMARK PICTURES

* YOU GOT TO FACE IT

* LOVE MAKES NO SENSE

* DON'T TRY TO FIGHT IT

* ALL YOUR DEFENSES
ARE USELESS *

* TO YOU NOW

* WHEN YOU LEAVE THIS ROOM

* ALL YOU WILL THINK
ABOUT IS ME *

* I'LL BE EVERY SONG
ON YOUR RADIO *

* EVERYTHING ON YOUR TV

* JUST WAIT AND SEE

* EVEN THOUGH YOU
NEVER LOOKED AT ME *

* I KNOW THE REAL YOU
IS BEHIND THOSE EYES *

* EVERY TRUE STORY
IS FULL OF LIES *

* THAT LEAD TO

[DIALING]

* THE REAL YOU

[PHONE RINGING]

Answering machine:
HI. THIS IS ELI.
LEAVE A MESSAGE.

[BEEP]

Man: HEY.
IT'S TOM...

AGAIN. UM...

CALL ME.

* I'LL TAKE YOU BY THE HAND
AND SOON I'LL PULL YOUR HEART *

* OUT OF YOUR BODY,
AND THERE IS NO WAY *

* YOU CAN ESCAPE ME

* I KNOW THE REAL YOU
IS BEHIND THOSE EYES *

[CAR ALARM]

* EVERY TRUE STORY
IS FULL OF LIES *

* THAT LEAD TO

* THE REAL YOU

* THE REAL YOU

* REAL YOU

* REAL YOU

* REAL...YOU

UM...HI,
I'M ELI WYCKOFF.

I'M HERE FOR
MY TEST RESULTS.

AND YOU'RE ABOUT
AN HOUR EARLY.

WHY DON'T YOU GO
GET YOURSELF
SOME COFFEE?

OH, I'M--I'M GOING
TO WAIT, IF THAT'S OK.

OK.
ALL RIGHT.

THIS YOUR
FIRST TIME?

MY--MY FIRST?

NO. NO.

I HAVE THIS HABIT
OF GETTING TESTED
AFTER EVERY BOY--

GUY THAT I EVER...
YOU KNOW.

WELL, THERE'S ONLY BEEN
LIKE 3 IN THE PAST FEW...

OH...THIS IS
THE THIRD, SO IT'S
NOT REALLY A HABIT...

YET.
UH-HUH

OH, NO! IT'S NOT
LIKE I THINK
THERE'S EVEN A CHANCE

THAT I HAVE...YOU KNOW.

I KNOW THE DANGERS.

I DO THE POLICE
BLOTTER FOR
THE HOLLYWOOD NEWS,

SO...ME AND DANGER
ARE LIKE THIS.

SO WHY ARE YOU HERE?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

FEEDBACK CLINIC.
THIS IS ESTHER.

UH-HUH...

WELL, DID YOU
SUCK HIS DICK?

THEN YOU BETTER
COME IN.

OK.

HI, I'M TOM.

AND...I'M
AN ALCOHOLIC.

All: HI, TOM.

SO, UM...

I'M 10 DAYS
AWAY FROM MY
30-DAY CHIP.

[APPLAUSE]

[CLEARS THROAT]

YEAH, UM...ANYWAY.

BOTH MY PARENTS ARE DRUNKS.

BUT, UM...I STILL DON'T
FEEL LIKE I BELONG HERE.

YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, I GO TO FLEA MARKETS.

I VOTE. EVEN FOR, LIKE,
SCHOOL BOARD AND--AND
PROP--WHATEVER.

I-I-I'M A SPECIAL ED TEACHER,
FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M THIS
HOLLYWOOD HAS-BEEN,

CROUCHED IN AN AIRPORT BATHROOM,
SUCKING ON A CAN OF FINAL NET.

SO...WHY AM I HERE?

THE TRUTH?

TRUTH IS, I MET A GUY.

AND IF...I HAD TO PICK
A...I DON'T KNOW, A TRIGGER,

YOU KNOW, I'D--I'D HAVE TO SAY
IT WAS ALL OVER THIS GUY.

BUT, WHATEVER. YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHO CARES...HOW IT HAPPENED.

BOTTOM LINE IS I'M HERE.

AND I QUIT DRINKING...AND GUYS,

BECAUSE I CAN'T BE TRUSTED
WITH EITHER!

THANKS.

NICE GOING.

OH. HA HA.

YEAH, WELL,
I'LL GET IT RIGHT
ONE OF THESE TIMES.

IT SOUNDED RIGHT
TO ME.

IT'S LIKE YOU
WERE TELLING
MY STORY.

YEAH?
YEAH.

WELL, I SHARED FIRST,
SO I GET DIBS ON
THE BOOK RIGHTS.

THAT'S FAIR.

SO TELL ME
ABOUT THE GUY.

UH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
NO. I DON'T WANT
TO KEEP YOU FROM...

WHAT? FROM WHAT?

THE IMPORTANT
THINGS IN LIFE,

LIKE STAPLING
OR FILING?
[TELEPHONE RINGS]

OH, PLEASE!
I COULDN'T BE
MORE BORED.

SO THIS THING
WITH THAT GUY?

YOU SEEM PRETTY
HEALTHY WITH IT.

ONLY TO THE SIGHT-
AND HEARING-IMPAIRED.

[LAUGHS]

PULL UP YOUR
CHAIR, HONEY.

THIS ONE?
YEAH. MOVE UP.

SO, YOU AND
YOUR BOYFRIEND.
YOU BROKE UP.

OH, BOYFRIEND.
I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW,
BUT--BUT THINGS
JUST GOT TOO...

TOO!
[LAUGHS]

YOU KNOW?
AND I CHOKED.

I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.
YOU DO THE MATH.

WE MET ON A BLIND DATE,
WHICH SUCKED.

THEN WE BECAME
FRIENDS, AND...

NOW WE DON'T SPEAK
TO EACH OTHER.

SO, A HAPPY ENDING.

HOW DID WE MEET.

IT ALL STARTED WITH
THIS PHONE CALL

FROM MY BEST
FRIEND, JACKIE.

[BEEP]

Jackie: TOM! PICK UP.

PICK UP. PICK UP. PICK UP.
PICK UP. PICK UP. PICK UP.

DAMN IT. WHERE ARE YOU?

I'M AT A PAY PHONE,
'CAUSE I CAN'T GET

MY PIECE OF SHIT
CELL PHONE TO WORK

UNLESS I'M STANDING
ON MY HEAD WITH
MY FINGERS UP MY ASS.

Guys in passing car:
WHOO HOO! YEAH!

FUCK YOU!

ANYWAY, UM...LISTEN.

UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
FRIDAY NIGHT?

'CAUSE I JUST MET
THIS GUY BRETT

AT A FURNITURE STORE
ON MONTANA,

AND HE SHOWED ME THIS GREAT
LOVE SEAT TO DIE FOR,

AND I THINK I COULD
GET IT WHOLESALE.

THERE'S JUST,
UM, ONE CATCH.

* EVERYTHING I WANT,
YOU GOT IT *

* EVERYTHING I NEED,
YOU OWN IT *

* EVERYTHING I NEED,
YOU GOT IT *

* EVERYTHING IN ME,
YOU WANT IT *

* EVERYTHING I WANT,
YOU GOT IT *

* EVERYTHING I NEED,
YOU OWN IT *

* EVERYTHING I NEED,
YOU GOT IT *

* EVERYTHING IN ME,
YOU WANT IT *

AN-AN-ANY LUCK?

OH! UH...WITH?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST FIGURED BY NOW

YOU'D BE LOOKING
FOR CHANGE BENEATH
THE SEAT CUSHIONS.

OH, GOD.
YOU DID--YOU SAW ME?

UM, YEAH, NO.
THE WHOLE ROUTINE.

[LAUGHS]
THE LITTLE
DANCE THING.

OH, THAT'S GREAT.
THAT'S GREAT.

NOW I'M THOROUGHLY
MORTIFIED.

[THEY LAUGH]
NO, YOU'RE FINE.

DON'T--DON'T--DON'T
WORRY ABOUT IT.

WELL, I KNOW.
BUT NOW IT'S, UM,

IT'S YOUR TURN
TO DO SOMETHING
HUMILIATING.

OH, WELL, I--I WORK
IN A FURNITURE STORE,

SO I'VE PRETTY MUCH
COVERED THOSE BASES.

LAUGHS]

WELL, HELLO! HEY.

WHAT'S HUMILIATING
ABOUT AN EMPLOYEE
DISCOUNT, RIGHT?

WHICH, BY THE WAY,

DOES THAT APPLY TO
THIS SORT OF WHEELIE
CARTIE THING?

'CAUSE THIS
IS YUMMY.
RIGHT. LOOK.

"A"--I GET 10% OFF
OF THIS CRAP,

AND "B"--YOU KNOW,
I DON'T--I DON'T
KNOW IF THE WHOLE

CLOCKWORK ORANGE
COME IKEA THING IS
REALLY YOUR SCENE?

HONESTLY.

QUITE A SALESMAN.

YEAH, I DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHAT HALF
THIS SHIT IS.

OK. GREAT.

WELL, YOU KNOW
WHAT, THOUGH?

MY HEART DOES KIND
OF BEAT FASTER
FOR THIS LOVE SEAT.

OH, YOU'RE KIDDING!

WHY? DO YOU HATE IT?

NO, I--IT'S THE ONLY
THING IN THE STORE
THAT'S MINE.

YOURS?

UH, ONE OF MY
DESIGNS, YEAH.

OH! YOU'RE A DESIGNER.

YEAH, YEAH.
NO, THIS--

THIS WAS ONE OF MY
FIRST PROJECTS.

WELL, I LOVE IT.
THANK YOU.

UH, WHAT IS THE COLOR?

SORT OF A YELLOW,
BEIGE, YELLOW--

BUTTERCUP.

BUTTERCUP?

BUTTERCUP.

I'M--I'M NOT
GAY. OK?

JUST 'CAUSE I SAY
BUTTER--YOU KNOW.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE
THIS ARGUMENT WITH
ELI ALL THE TIME.

GOD DAMN IT, MAN.

YOU KNOW, HONESTLY,
JUST 'CAUSE I SAY
BUTTERCUP

DOESN'T MEAN
I'M GAY, YOU KNOW?

OR I USED TO BE GAY,
OR I WANT TO BE GAY.

NOT GAY, YOU KNOW,
JUST VERY...

PARTICULAR ABOUT
THE NOMENCLATURE I USE
REGARDING MY PALETTE.

AND, UH, WHO'S ELI?
THE BOYFRIEND?

RIGHT! NO, NO.

HE'S MY--HE'S MY,
YOU KNOW, HE'S
MY BEST FRIEND,

WHO HAPPENS--
HAPPENS TO BE GAY.

WELL, YOU KNOW
WHAT I THINK?

I THINK YOU'RE ONE
OF THOSE GUYS WHO,

YOU KNOW, SORT OF FLIRTS
WITH A GIRL, MAYBE EVEN
TAKES HER TO DINNER,

AND THEN, YOU KNOW,
WHEN PUSH COMES TO SHOVE,

THE ONLY FRENCHING
YOU'LL BE DOING WITH
HER ARE HER BRAIDS.

WELL! THAT'S
PRETTY SASSY.

SO YOU'VE
BEEN BRAIDED
A LOT RECENTLY?

NO, I--LOOK,
I KNOW GAY MEN.

OK? I PRACTICALLY
INVENTED THEM.
OH, OK.

YOU KNOW? AND
THERE'S NO SUCH THING
AS A STRAIGHT GUY

WITH A GAY BEST FRIEND
HE'S NOT FUCKING.

HEY! DON'T GIVE ME
THAT LOOK, ALL RIGHT?
WHAT?

MY FRIEND TOM--WHO BY
THE WAY, IS SINGLE,
IF YOU'RE INTERESTED--

YEAH, HE'S THE FIRST
TO AGREE.

RIGHT, RIGHT.
UH, OK. WELL,
THANKS FOR THE TIP.

I'M NOT PARTICULARLY
INTERESTED
IN--IN--IN TOM.

UH, UNLESS,
OF COURSE, I MEAN,
HE HAS YOUR EYES.

SO, THERE'S ACTUALLY A CHANCE
THAT HE DIDN'T HATE MY GUTS,

AND I COULD BE HAVING HIS
CHILDREN ON THAT KICK-ASS,
BUTTERCUP LOVE SEAT.

WHICH IS WHERE YOU COME IN.

Tom: I WAS LIKE, GREAT!

I FIGURED NEXT SHE'LL
BE ASKING ME TO BLOW
SOME GUY FOR 3-DAY BLINDS.

[LAUGHS]

YOU KNOW IN THE MOVIES,

WHEN A GUY'S IN THE SUPERMARKET

AND HE ACCIDENTALLY BUMPS
SHOPPING CARTS WITH
THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE?

MM-HMM.
YEAH, WELL.

THE LAST FEW TIMES
I BUMPED CARTS WITH ANYONE,

THEY LOOKED LIKE THEY WERE
FRESH OFF THE SPECIAL BUS.

THAT IS WHY I LET
MY FRIENDS FIX ME UP.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Answering machine:
HI. THIS IS ELI.
LEAVE A MESSAGE.

Man: ELI, YOU THERE?

BUDDY? HELLO, HELLO.

[CLEARS THROAT]
THAT'S RIGHT. THERE'S
AN X-FILE MARATHON ON.

I CANNOT BELIEVE I'M FRIENDS
WITH A TREKKIE. IT'S PATHETIC.

OK, I AM NOT
A TREKKIE.
YOU GOT THAT?

I JUST LIKE
THE X-FILES.

I BELIEVE THE TRUTH
IS OUT THERE.
DON'T YOU?

YEAH, WHATEVER.
LOOK, MAN. I, UH...

FULLY HOOKED YOU UP.

YOU HAVE A DATE
ON FRIDAY NIGHT.

WHAT A MINUTE.
WHAT?!

MMM, YEP,
THAT'S RIGHT.

YOUR LOSING STREAK
IS OVER, MY MAN.

HE'S, UH, A TOTAL STUD,
LIKE A BIG GUY.

OK, YOU ALWAYS
SAY THAT.

IT'S LIKE ENTRY
LEVEL.

IT MEANS HE'S
GOT NIPPLES.

[LAUGHING]
FOR YOU, THAT'D BE
A STEP UP.

HA HA. THAT'S FUNNY.

ANYWAY, LIKE, UH, HIS,
UH, HIS FRIEND JACKIE
CAME INTO THE STORE.

I COMPLETELY HIT
IT OFF. YIKES!

LET ME TELL
YOU. SHE'S GOT
UNBELIEVABLE K.B.

WHAT IS THAT?
KILLER BUTT?
NO.

[CLEARS THROAT]
KILLER BOOBS.

ANYWAY, SHE TOLD ME
ABOUT HER FRIEND TOM.

UH, SOUNDS LIKE
A NICE GUY.

I, UH, I TOLD--
I LIED, BASICALLY.

I SAID YOU WERE
A GREAT GUY.

TOLD HER ABOUT YOU.
THAT'S REALLY NICE.

AND NOW YOU TWO
HAVE TO GO OUT
ON FRIDAY NIGHT.

OK, WAIT A MINUTE,
SAYS WHO? THAT'S--
[KNOCKS]

HOLD ON. SOMEONE'S
AT THE DOOR.

ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW
WHAT? CAN I--CAN I
CALL YOU RIGHT BACK?

I JUST SHOWED UP
AT MY LOSER GAY
FRIEND'S PLACE.

I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

THAT'S FUNNY.
IT'S MAINLY JUNK.

UMM, ANYWAY, LOOK.
I KNOW IT DIDN'T GO
ALL SO, YOU KNOW,

THAT WELL THE LAST
TIME WITH, UH...
RICHARD, WAS IT?

RITA! FROM UPS.
SHE WAS A WOMAN!

WHATEVER, YOU KNOW.
SHE WAS STILL GAY.

THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM.
YOU'RE SO PICKY.

ANYWAY, YOU YOURSELF
SAID SHE HAD K.B.

KILLER...BOOBS?
NO, BUTT.

OK, YOU KNOW, THE
WHOLE INITIAL THING?
IT'S GOT TO STOP.

AND P.S.
I NEVER SAID K.B.
I SAID K.G. B.

KILLER GARLIC
BREATH.
OH.

WHATEVER. LOOK.

THE BOTTOM LINE IS,

I MADE A RESERVATION
FOR YOU, FOR TOM,

FRIDAY NIGHT
AT NICK'S, 8:00.
BE THERE OR BE SQUARE.

OK, YOU KNOW,
I HATE IT WHEN
PEOPLE SAY THAT,

'CAUSE EVEN WHEN I'M
THERE, I'M SQUARE,

SO WHAT IS
THE INCENTIVE?

WELL, HE'S A TEACHER.
SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT GUY.

MAYBE YOU'LL GET
LUCKY. YOU'LL HAVE
TO STAY AFTER CLASS.

ALL RIGHT? DETENTION?

YOU LIKE THAT SORT
OF THING, DON'T YOU?

THE DISCIPLINE,
THE GRAVITY BOOTS,
THE WHOLE THING.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

OF COURSE, YOU WENT?

YEP. I WENT.

[SIGHS]

* SHE LANDED ON MY ROOF

* ... FROM VENUS

* HER SHIP RAN OUT OF GAS

* FAST AS LIGHT
AND LOVE CAME BETWEEN US *

* FASHION GIRL FROM OUTERSPACE

* I'LL NEVER TURN YOU ON

* FUTURE LOVE

* THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT,
THAT'S RIGHT *

* MAKING FUTURE LOVE TONIGHT

* THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT,
THAT'S RIGHT *

* MAKING FUTURE LOVE TONIGHT

* IT'S ALL RIGHT
IF I LOVE YOU *

* IT'S ALL RIGHT IF I DON'T

* BUT I'VE BEEN PRAYING
THAT YOU'RE RUNNING AWAY *

* 'CAUSE I GOT THE FEELING,
HONEY, THAT YOU WON'T *

* SUPERSONIC SAFETY LOVE

* I'LL NEVER TURN YOU ON

* THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT,
THAT'S RIGHT *

* MAKING FUTURE LOVE TONIGHT

* THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT

Eli: BELIEVE ME,
I DIDN'T HAVE HIGH
HOPES FOR THIS DATE.

Esther: WELL, YOU DIDN'T
HAVE ANYTHING TO LOSE.

I KNOW.
HONESTLY, ALL
I KEPT THINKING WAS,

"I HOPE HE DOESN'T SMOKE."

* SOMETIMES I WISH
I HAD A GUN *

[COUGHING]

[COUGHING]
UH, I'M GOING TO--

I'M GOING TO GO UP
TO THE BAR AND GET
ANOTHER DRINK.

YOU WANT--YOU WANT
SOMETHING?

YES, YES.
I'LL HAVE ANOTHER
SELTZER WITH LIME.

SELTZER WITH LIME.

MAKE IT A WHITE
WINE SPRITZER.

SPRITZER. GOT IT.

ON SECOND THOUGHT,
CAN I GET A, UH,
7 & 7?

ROCKS WITH A TWIST.

OK. ARE YOU SURE?

YEAH. YEAH, YEAH.
I ALWAYS GET
A 7 & 7.

OH, HI. YEAH. WE'RE
GOING TO HAVE A...

ABSOLUT MARTINI,
STRAIGHT UP,
TWO OLIVES.

MAKE IT
A LITTLE DIRTY.

YOU?

UH...

[CLICKS HIS TEETH]

[SIGHS]

DO YOU LIKE MOVIES?

YEAH, I LIKE MOVIES.

YEAH, ME TOO.

I THINK IT WAS
GAY NIGHT ON CABLE
LAST NIGHT,'CAUSE I...

IN AND OUT WAS ON AGAIN.

UH-HUH.

NAH, I JUST THOUGHT
IT WAS GREAT,
YOU KNOW,

TO SEE A MOVIE LIKE THAT,
WITH TWO GUYS.

NOT WI TWO GUYS.

YOU KNOW, WITH TWO
GUYS WHO...YOU KNOW...
IN THE MOVIE.

I HATED IT.

OH. YEAH. NO. ME TOO.

I JUST...THOUGHT
IT WAS LIGHT...FUN.

FUN?

YEAH.

FUN TO SEE KEVIN KLINE
GET ON HIS SORRY-ASSED,
MIDDLE-AGED KNEES

AND GIVE US A BIG OLE
HOLLYWOOD BLOW JOB

BY CATERING TO EVERY
CLICHED, HOMOPHOBIC,

STEREOTYPICAL IDEA
OF WHAT IT MEANS
TO BE GAY?

WITHOUT HAVING
THE DECENCY
OR THE COURTESY

OR--OR EVEN JUST THE
BALLS TO DROP A LITTLE
TROU' AND SHOW US HIS.

WAIT A MINUTE.
COME ON. I DON'T KNOW.

I THOUGHT IT WAS
NICE TO SEE A GUY

COMING OUT TO HIS
FAMILY, HIS FRIENDS.

NOT TO MENTION
HIS FIANCE.
HIS FIANCE?

THE LOSER BITCH
HAS BEEN WAITING
HER WHOLE LIFE

TO MARRY THIS NELLY,
BARBARA-LOVING,
SELF-HATING,

GERIATRIC ENGLISH
TEACHER WHO CAN'T
GET IT UP FOR HER.

AND WE'RE SUPPOSED
TO FEEL SORRY
FOR HER?

AWWW. NO FUCKING
WAY. I MEAN,
YOU DO THE MATH.

WHERE THE HELL
IS THE WAITER
WITH MY DRINK?

YOU WANT ANYTHING?

I'M NOT EVEN GOING
TO MENTION BIRDCAGE.

CAN I GET
A DIET COKE?
SURE.

ALL RIGHT. WHAT
WAS YOUR FAVORITE
MOVIE OF ALL TIME?

LET'S JUST...
LET'S JUST START
WITH THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M NOT A BIG FAN
OF THE FAVORITES GAME,

SO WHY DON'T
YOU GO FIRST?

OH. OK. UM...

WELL, I KNOW
IT SOUNDS CORNY
AND CLICHE,

BUT I HAVE TO SAY
GONE WITH THE WIND.

I NEVER SAW IT.

YEAH, RIGHT.

I DIDN'T. I--I NEVER
SAW GONE WITH THE WIND.

YOU'RE KIDDING,
RIGHT?
NO.

I'M NOT KIDDING.
COME ON.

I--I NEVER SAW THE MOVIE.

YOU NEVER SAW
THE MOVIE?
NO. I NEVER--

OK, FINE. DO YOU
WANT ME TO TELL YOU
THAT I SAW THE MOVIE?

I WILL.
I SAW THE MOVIE.

IT WAS THE BEST MOVIE
I'VE EVER SEEN.

ESPECIALLY,
ESPECIALLY THAT PART
WHERE RED BUTTONS

IS UP ON THE HILL
WITH CHARLOTTE.

OH, MY GOD.
YOU ARE SCARING ME!

WHAT--WHAT DO YOU
WANT ME TO SAY?

I'M NOT A BIG FAN
OF BLACK-AND-WHITE
MOVIES.

[LAUGHING]
RELAX, WOULD YOU?
RELAX.

I SAW FAME LIKE 15 TIMES.
DOES THAT HELP?

WELL, IT'S A START.

WOW, K.E.

WHAT?
WHAT?

WHAT--WHAT DID YOU
JUST SAY?

NOTHING.

YEAH, YOU JUST
SAID SOMETHING.

NO, N-NO I DIDN'T.

YEAH, YOU DID.
YOU SAID, "K.E."

WHAT--WHAT--
WHAT IS THAT?

IT--IT'S NOTHING.
IT'S--IT'S NOTHING.
IT...IT'S STUPID.

IT'S INITIAL TALK.
BRETT AND I HAVE BEEN
DOING IT FOR YEARS.

IT IS SO STUPID.
IT MEANS NOTHING.
TRUST ME.

RIGHT, SO I JUST
TOOK A HIT.

NO, NO, NO!
YOU DIDN'T. TOM.

BELIEVE ME.
I SWEAR TO YOU.

OH. DAMN IT.

IT MEANS...
KILLER EYES, OK?

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I-I-I'M GOING TO GO.

IT'S LATE, AND UH...
YEAH.

YEAH, LET'S--LET'S
YOU AND I GO.

ON OUR WAY. WAYS!
ON OUR WAYS.

SEPARATE.
YOU AND ME.

YOU KNOW. HERE,
LET'S SPLIT IT.

NO, I GOT IT,
I GOT IT, I GOT IT.

NO. LET'S SPLIT IT.
NO, I WANT TO DO THIS.

PLEASE. I DON'T
WANT TO DO THAT.
JUST LET ME PAY.

LET ME JUST
SPLIT IT.
LET ME DO THIS!

LET ME JUST PAY
FOR MY OWN.
JUST GO!

GOING.

HE HATED ME. IT'S LIKE
I ACTIVATED HIS GAG REFLEX.

THAT IS THE LAST
TIME I WILL LET YOU
FIX ME UP.

YOU GOT THAT?
TAKE IT IN.

NEXT DATE I GO ON IS
GOING TO COST ME $2.00
FOR THE FIRST MINUTE

AND $1.50 EACH
ADDITIONAL MINUTE.

DID HE SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT ME AND JACKIE?

WHAT? NO,
IT DIDN'T COME UP.

ARE YOU SURE THE GUY
WAS EVEN GAY?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

I DON'T KNOW. YOU
KNOW...WITH YOU...

HOW MANY STRAIGHT
GUYS YOU KNOW PRETEND
THEY'RE GAY?

BESIDES YOU?
HELLO!

YOU SURE HE DIDN'T
SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ME?

HEY, YOU WANT EGGS?
I CAN EASILY ADD
AN EGG TO THIS.

CAN I HAVE EGGS?
ARE THERE EGGS?
ARE THERE EGGS?

YOU HAVE TO RELAX.
YOU'RE BECOMING
A CRAZY PERSON.

YOU'VE BEEN WHIPPING
FOR 20 MINUTES.

YOUR MOTHER TOLD ME
YOU WERE GOING
TO BE LIKE THIS.

MY MOM CALLED
YOU AGAIN?

WHAT DID YOU
TELL HER?

NO, SHE'S CONCERNED
ABOUT YOU.

YOU NEVER--YOU NEVER
TALK TO THE WOMAN.

YOU KNOW?
SHE THINKS YOU'RE
BECOMING A BIG LOSER.

OH, THAT'S...
THAT'S NICE.

THAT'S GREAT.
THANKS. THANKS
FOR THAT.

EASY FOR HER TO SAY.

I KNOW WHAT'S
OUT THERE.

GUYS WITH BAD
FUCKING HAIR PLUGS,

STAPLES IN THEIR
DICKS, BEANIE BABY
COLLECTIONS,

OR WORSE.
WORSE?

OH, THERE'S WORSE.

OH, COME ON.
IT'LL BE SO MUCH
BETTER NEXT TIME.

THERE WON'T BE
A NEXT TIME.

UNLESS HIS NAME
IS BEN, JERRY,
OR JOSE CUERVO.

UH-HUH. LIKE YOU HAVEN'T
ALREADY HAD THOSE GUYS.

AND THEIR BROTHERS.

HAVEN'T YOU EVER
WONDERED WHAT IT'S
LIKE TO BE WITH

THE SAME GUY FOR MORE
THAN...OH, I DON'T
KNOW...5 MINUTES?

WITH THE GUYS I MEET,
5 MINUTES IS ALL IT TAKES.

CHARMING.

OK, BUT MORE
IMPORTANTLY,

MMM...WHAT DID ELI
SAY ABOUT ME?

IS IT GOING TO
HAPPEN WITH BRETT?

NO IDEA.
DIDN'T MENTION IT.

OH.

LIKE I CARE.

BUT MAYBE
I SHOULD CALL
BRETT, AND JUST,

YOU KNOW, FIND OUT
WHAT ELI SAID
ABOUT YOUR DATE.

COULDN'T CARE LESS.

RIGHT. RIGHT.
WE OFFICIALLY
DON'T CARE.

I GET IT...YEAH.

I DEFINITELY AM
NOT GOING TO CALL.

WHERE YOU GOING?

UH...HOME. TO
OFFICIALLY NOT CALL.

NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO STAY HERE

AND WATCH LIFETIME
TELEVISION FOR WOMEN
AND GAY MEN.

UH...NO.

IT'S JOAN VAN ARC
IN NOT WITHOUT
MY NOSE JOB.

OH, ANGEL.
I'VE ALREADY LIVED
THAT MOVIE.

ALL THAT SHIT
PEOPLE SAY ABOUT
FINDING "THE ONE"?

I'M SICK OF IT.

TOM CERTAINLY ISN'T.

I DON'T EVER THINK
I'M GOING TO MEET
THE GUY WHO IS.

YOU KNOW, YOUR
WHOLE PROBLEM IS

THERE'S NO SUCH THING
AS "THE ONE." OK?

YOU'RE SUCH A LIAR!

LIKE TWO SECONDS
AGO, YOU TOLD ME HOW

YOU THINK THIS GIRL
JACKIE IS THE ONE.

I MET HER ONE TIME.

I SAID SHE COULD BE
THE ONE OR ONE OF THE ONES.
THERE'S NOT JUST ONE "ONE."

YOU KNOW, THERE'S
FRACTIONS OF ONE,

THERE'S HALVES OF ONE,
THERE'S QUARTERS OF ONE.

YOU KNOW, THE IDEA
IS ABOUT MAKING YOURSELF
OPEN TO SOMEONE,

YOU KNOW, PERHAPS
TOM BECOMING THE ONE.

ARE YOU COMING
TO THE FLEA MARKET
WITH ME TOMORROW?

NO, SWEETIE, BY
TOMORROW, I'M HOPING
TO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANS

WITH A MAN WHO WILL
APPRECIATE ME
FOR MY BODY, OK?

NOT JUST MY BRAINS AND
WIT AND SENSE OF STYLE.

SO DAD'S IN TOWN?

YOU'RE DISGUSTING.

WHY DON'T
YOU TAKE A DATE
TO THE FLEA MARKET?

OH!
OK, THAT IS WHY YOU
NEVER GO STEADY.

I HAVEN'T GONE STEADY
SINCE THE SEVENTH GRADE.
YOU DO THE MATH.

BESIDES, HE KEPT SAYING,
"YOU DO THE MATH,"

EVEN WHEN IT MADE NO
SENSE. WHAT A TURN-OFF.

WHAT'S THE TURN-ON?

ACCORDING TO YOUR MOTHER,
YOU HAVEN'T HAD A HARD-ON

SINCE SHE FIRST
TOOK YOU TO SEE
THE NUTCRACKER

AT THE JEWISH COMMUNITY
CENTER IN FIRST GRADE.

STOP TALKING
TO MY MOTHER
ABOUT MY SEX LIFE.

WHAT SEX LIFE?
I HAVE ONE.

UH-HUH. RIGHT.
OK, YOU KNOW,
IT COUNTS.

I SPENT 10 YEARS
LEARNING WHICH
BUTTONS TO PUSH,

NOW I JUST HAVE
TO LOOK AT MYSELF
AND I COME.

EWW.

* EVERYBODY'S LOOKING
FOR SOMETHING *

* STEP RIGHT UP
AND TELL ME WHAT
IT'S ALL ABOUT *

* WELL, DON'T YOU WORRY
'BOUT NOTHIN' *

* IF YOU SEE WHAT YOU LIKE,
I'M SURE WE'LL WORK IT OUT *

* I COME AND SEE YOU
ON SUNDAYS *

* EAST SIDE, WEST SIDE,
UPTOWN OR DOWN *

* AND ALL YOUR PROBLEMS
WILL DISAPPEAR *

* WHEN YOU LAY YOUR MONEY DOWN

* VAMOS A ALEGRESIA *

* LET'S MAKE A DEAL, MAN

* VAMOS A ALEGRESIA *

HEY!

HEY! HEY, UH...
HOW ARE YOU DOING?

GOOD. GOOD.
HOW ARE YOU?

YEAH. GOOD.
GOOD, GOOD.
GOOD.

YOU, UM...
YOU LOOK GOOD.

GOD...THANKS.

NO, NO, NO. REALLY.

SO, WHAT,
YOU WERE LYING
THE FIRST TIME?

WHAT? NO!
NO, NO, NO. I--

YOU GOT THAT FRESH,
SUNDAY MORNING,

READ THE PAPER,
CUP OF COFFEE
KINDA LOOK.

YEAH, AND HERE
I THOUGHT I HAD
THAT STALE,

SUNDAY MORNING
HANGOVER,

CHOKE ON MY OWN
VOMIT THING GOING.

[BOTH LAUGH]

WHAT ARE YOU, UH,
WHAT ARE YOU HERE FOR?

YOU LOOKING FOR
ANYTHING IN PARTICULAR?

UM, YEAH, YEAH,
ACTUALLY,

I'M LOOKING FOR
A VINTAGE MARTINI SET.

YOU KNOW, THE SHAKER
AND THE GLASSES
AND THE WHOLE THING.

HUH.

HOW ABOUT YOU?
YOU JUST...
YOU JUST BROWSING?

ME? ARE YOU KIDDING?
I GO NUTS.

I HAVE TO LOOK
FOR ONE THING
AND JUST ONE THING.

AND THAT WOULD BE WHAT?

HMM? A BATHROOM,
ACTUALLY.

SHIT. THEY PROBABLY
DON'T HAVE

BATHROOMS AT A PLACE
LIKE THIS, RIGHT?

PROBABLY JUST
PORTA-POTTIES.
GOD, I HATE THOSE.

YOU KNOW, MY PARENTS
HAD TO RENT LIKE
4 OF THEM

FOR MY SISTER'S
BAT MITZVAH.

COME ON. YOU DIDN'T
COME HERE LOOKING
FOR A BATHROOM.

I DIDN'T?

OK, I'M LOOKING FOR
AN ORIGINAL CORNELIUS
ACTION FIGURE,

YOU KNOW, FROM
PLANET OF THE APES?

[LAUGHING]

WHAT, YOU'RE YANKING
MY CHAIN, RIGHT?

YEAH, ACTUALLY,
NO, I'M NOT,

AND I REALLY HATE
THAT EXPRESSION,

BUT YOU KNOW, IT WAS
GOOD SEEING YOU.

I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.
NO, NO! NO, DON'T.

COME ON, COME ON.
GROW A SENSE
OF HUMOR, WILL YA?

I'M NOT--YOU'RE FUNNY!
I'M NOT LAUGHING AT--

NO, NOT FUNNY BAD.
YOU'RE FUNNY GOOD.

FUNNY GOOD. LOOK.

WHY DON'T WE GO GRAB
A CUP OF COFFEE,

AND THEN I'LL
HELP YOU GO LOOK
FOR YOUR DOLLIE.

ACTION FIGURE!

SO, IS IT JUST THE APES
OR DO YOU HAVE
BETSY WETSY, TOO?

BECAUSE JACKIE DIDN'T
TELL ME THAT YOU WERE
A DOLL COLLECTOR.

INTERESTING. YOU KNOW,
BRETT DIDN'T TELL ME
YOU WERE AN ASSHOLE.

[LAUGHS]

SPEAKING OF WHICH,
WHAT'S UP WITH THOSE TWO?

[KNOCKS]

HI. HI.
HI.

UH, SO...

I, UM, I THOUGHT
YOU SHOULD KNOW,

THEY, UH, THEY HATED
EACH OTHER.

OH. OH, RIGHT,
UH, MORE THAN LIFE
ITSELF, YEAH.

NO, NO...NO FUCKING
CHEMISTRY.

I HAD THE BIGGEST
PLANET OF THE APES
COLLECTION

UNTIL, LIKE,
THE SIXTH GRADE,

WHEN MY PARENTS
MADE ME SELL IT
AT A GARAGE SALE.

THEY WERE AFRAID
IT WAS GOING
TO ADVERSELY AFFECT

MY PSYCHOSEXUAL
DEVELOPMENT.

[LAUGHS]

THEY'RE BOTH SHRINKS.

WELL, DID IT?
WHAT?

AFFECT YOUR
PSYCHO...WHATEVER?

WELL, I'M GAY,
AREN'T I?

OH. SO THE APES
MADE YOU GAY.
I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT IS THAT?
THE APE THEORY?

WELL, YOU'VE GOT
A HALF-NAKED CHARLTON
HESTON IN A CAGE...

WHERE HE BELONGS.
YEAH, RIGHT.

PLUS MY HUGE CRUSH
ON RODDY McDOWELL

AND THOSE CUTE, LITTLE
LEATHER OUTFITS.

THAT, MY FRIEND,
IS A GAY, PRE-TEEN
HAPPY MEAL.

[LAUGHS]

DO YOU HAVE ANY
MARTINI SETS?

NO, AFRAID NOT.

YOU KNOW,
I'VE GOT TO ADMIT,
I DON'T EVEN KNOW

WHAT A MARTINI SET
LOOKS LIKE.

I--I WOULDN'T KNOW
A MARTINI IF IT
BIT ME IN THE ASS.

NO, IT SHOULDN'T
IF YOU KNOW HOW
TO MAKE THEM.

UH, I TAKE IT YOU DO.

IN MY HOUSE,
YOU HAD TO.

I COULDN'T TIE
MY SHOES TILL
I WAS 10,

BUT I CAN MAKE
A MARTINI.

I WAS LIKE ISAAC
ON OUR SINKING
LITTLE LOVE BOAT.

[PARENTS LAUGHING]

Mom: THANK YOU,
SWEETHEART.

THIS IS PERFECT.

SO, TOMMY. HAVE YOU
MET ANY NICE GIRLS
AT SCHOOL THIS YEAR?

YEAH. THEY'RE NICE.

HEY. YOU GIVE ANY
THOUGHT TO WHAT WE
TALKED ABOUT?

NONE OF THE OTHER
FIFTH GRADERS KNOW

WHAT THEY'RE GOING
TO DO AFTER HIGH SCHOOL.

AND WHAT DO I CARE
ABOUT A BUNCH OF
PANSY FIFTH GRADERS

WITH SILVER SPOONS
IN THEIR MOUTHS?

I SORT OF LIKE
THE IDEA OF TEACHING.

TEACHING SOUNDS GOOD.

THAT'S TERRIFIC,
HONEY.

[WOMAN LAUGHS]

I CAN'T REMEMBER
THEM WITHOUT A DRINK
IN THEIR HAND.

YOU KNOW, WHEN MY FATHER
USED TO PITCH BASEBALLS
TO ME IN THE BACKYARD...

UH-HUH?
HE NEVER SPILT
A DROP.

OH, MY GOD.
I CAN'T EVEN
IMAGINE.

YOUR PARENTS
DIDN'T DRINK?

NO, WE NEVER
PLAYED GAMES
IN THE BACKYARD.

NEVER?

FIRST OF
ALL, WE DIDN'T
HAVE A BACKYARD.

AND SECOND OF ALL,

THE CLOSEST
WE EVER CAME TO
A GAME WAS...

THE FEEL WHEEL.

RAGE IS AT THE TOP.

THEN WE MOVE DOWN
TO FRUSTRATION,

CONFUSION,
LONELINESS.

ON THE OTHER SIDE,
WE HAVE LOVING,
AFFECTIONATE,

SILLY!

OK?
ELI, YOU GO FIRST.

Dad: TAKE YOUR
NAME AND PUT IT
ON THE EMOTION

YOU'RE FEELING
RIGHT NOW.

THAT'S RIGHT, ELI.
DON'T THINK.
LOOK INSIDE.

WHAT ARE YOU FEELING?
RIGHT NOW. GO.

DON'T THINK. GO. GO!

GO!

Eli: DO I HAVE TO,
DR. WYCKOFF?

CAN YOU DO IT
FOR MOMMY?

Tom: YOU'D JUST
BE WALKING ALONG
AND THEN YOU'D THINK...

"GEE, I FEEL HAPPY,"
AND THEN YOU'D PUT YOUR
LITTLE FLAG ON THE WHEEL?

NO, NO. IT'S JUST...
SOMETHING MY PARENTS
WANTED US TO DO,

SO THAT...THEY WOULD
FEEL MORE ENLIGHTENED.

[LAUGHS]

LIKE GETTING US TO SAY
PENIS AND VAGINA
AT THE DINNER TABLE.

YOU KNOW, SO
THAT WE WOULD
FEEL COMFORTABLE

TALKING ABOUT SEX,

WHICH IS PROBABLY WHY
NOW I PREFER PEE-PEE
AND HOO-HOO.

MORE PEE-PEE THAN
HOO-HOO, I'D IMAGINE.

DOES IT SHOW?

I DON'T THINK THAT
GAME WOULD HAVE BEEN
A HIT IN MY HOUSE,

UNLESS THERE WAS
A SECTION ON THE WHEEL
FOR THIRSTY.

WELL, THERE WAS
A SECTION ON THE
WHEEL FOR SCARED.

BUT...YOU'D HAVE
HAD TO SHARE
THAT ONE WITH ME.

Brett: HEY, NO CHANCE
ON THE ELI AND TOM
THING. THAT'S...

OH! WHAT A PAIN.

THE GAYS
ARE SO PICKY.

NO, NO, NO, NO.
IT'S ELI.
I'M TELLING YOU.

HE'S GOT THE WORST
D.K. ON THE PLANET.

DONNA KARAN?

[LAUGHING]
NO. DATING KHARMA.
OH!

YEAH. NO, IT SUCKS.

HE TOLD ME THAT "A"--
HE THINKS HE, LIKE,

INSULTED TOM
A HUNDRED TIMES,

AND "B"--THAT HE'S...
YOU KNOW, STRAIGHT.

[LAUGHS]
YEAH.

OK, SO NOW, TOM
IS JUST A FREAK.

YOU KNOW, HE
OFFICIALLY HATES

ANY GUY
THAT HE LIKES.

OR WORSE,
WHO LIKES HIM.

WHAT, DUDE?

YEAH, WELL, WELCOME
TO THE WONDERFUL
WORLD OF SELF-HATE.

AND HE'S NOT EVEN
JEWISH.

WHAT ON GOD'S EARTH
IS THIS?

I MEAN, HONESTLY,
THAT'S THE UGLIEST THING

I'VE EVER SEEN
IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.
[LAUGHS]

[CRASH]

MORNING.

MORNING.

WHAT'S, UH,
WHAT'S THE HURRY?

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

TODAY IS DECOUPAGE DAY
AT SCHOOL,

AND I'M LATE, SO...

OH, OK.

UM, LISTEN, I JUST...

I WANT TO APOLOGIZE
FOR YESTERDAY

AND LAST NIGHT.

IT JUST SHOULDN'T
HAVE HAPPENED.

OH.

I MEAN, I FEEL
LIKE WE GOT OFF TO
A REALLY GOOD START,

BUT THEN I FEEL LIKE
I KIND OF FUCKED THINGS UP,

SO I PROMISE IT WON'T
EVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

GOOD. YEAH. I--

WE SHOULDN'T HAVE...

ANYWAY, IT WAS BOTH
OF OUR FAULTS, SO...

NO. NO. I--WELL, YEAH.

SO, YOU KNOW,
LET'S JUST PRETEND
IT NEVER HAPPENED.

PERFECT.

GREAT. ALL RIGHT.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

Tom: HEY.

HOW YOU DOING?

[COMPUTER CONNECTS
TO INTERNET]

I DON'T KNOW.
WE HAD A GREAT TIME.
I DON'T GET IT.

[CHUCKLES]

LOOKED TO ME
LIKE YOU DID GET IT--
SOMETHING CALLED LAID.

YOU KNOW, FYI,
GAY GUYS DON'T
NECESSARILY

PLAY THE SAME BASES
AS STRAIGHT GUYS DO.

IT'S STILL FUCKING, DUDE.

HELLO, GENTLEMEN.

YOU DON'T MIND IF
THE BROTHER HANGS OUT,
DO YOU? I HAD HIM FIXED.

DO I HAVE A CHOICE?

I DON'T GET
THE DOUBLE STANDARD.

YOU KNOW, GUYS CAN
DO ALL KINDS OF
THINGS WITH WOMEN,

AND THEY WON'T
CALL IT SEX UNLESS
THEY ACTUALLY FUCK.

YOU KNOW, LIKE SEX
WITH INTERNS.

LISTEN, I'M NOT JUDGING YOU.
YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST SEX, MAN.

I'M NOT BEING DEFENSIVE.
I'M TRYING TO EXPLAIN
TO YOU THAT A GUY

CAN GET TOGETHER
WITH ANOTHER GUY

AND DO ALL KINDS
OF THINGS WITHOUT
NECESSARILY, YOU KNOW.

RIGHT. GOOD.
THAT'S ENOUGH.

IT'S A BIG STEP.
I KNOW COUPLES
WHO HAVE NEVER

AND PROBABLY WILL
NEVER ACTUALLY--

N.T.--NEW TOPIC.

WHAT? WHAT IS WITH YOU?
YOU WERE NEVER THIS
SQUEAMISH IN COLLEGE.

THAT'S BECAUSE
YOU WERE DATING WOMEN.

YEAH, WELL,
IT'S THE SAME THING

IF YOU DON'T
COUNT THE VAGINAS.

OOF. I COUNT THEM:
4--SO FAR.

OK, YOU KNOW WHAT,
MITCH?

DOESN'T COUNT
IF THEY HAVE
INFLATE NOZZLES.

HEY, LOOK MAN,
IT'S NOT LIKE, YOU KNOW,

YOU PICKED HIM UP AT
YE OLDE COCK AND BALLS

AND GOT OUT
THE BUTTER SPRAY

AND THE CHOKE COLLAR
AND THE WHOLE THING.

I MEAN, YOU SPENT
AN AFTERNOON TOGETHER, RIGHT?

I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY
HE LIKES YOU.

RIGHT.

FUCK, THESE ARE NEW.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
ARE YOU CRANKY?

YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT
TO DO THIS ANYMORE.

THAT'S FINE.
THAT'S GREAT.

OK. WELL, YOU DID
A TERRIFIC JOB.

HEY, LISTEN, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING ON FRIDAY NIGHT?

ARE YOU GOING TO
GO OUT WITH THE GUY?

I DON'T KNOW.
WHY, DID JACKIE
SAY SOMETHING?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT IF
YOU'RE COMING FRIDAY NIGHT,

SHE CAN TELL YOU HERSELF.

YEAH. NO,
I'M NOT DOING THAT.
THAT'S SO SEVENTH GRADE.

WELL, YOU'LL
CATCH UP. HUH?

DID SHE INVITE TOM?

NO. IT'S JUST US.
IT WILL BE FINE.

7:00 FRIDAY NIGHT.
ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT.
TAKE THIS.

HAVE A VALERIAN
OR SOMETHING.
TAKE A NAP.

HE'S TOO INTENSE.

YOU KNOW, I LIKE HIM
AS A FRIEND, BUT...

BULLSHIT.

THAT IS JUST
FEAR OF INTIMACY,

WHICH BY THE WAY
IS SO 1991.

PAUSE. MARIE?

YEAH.

PUT THE
HEADPHONES ON.

THE HEADPHONES--
THERE YOU GO.

UM, NICE, MARIE,

BUT I NEED
MORE SMILE

AND LESS SELL, OK?

UH, HAVE FUN.

OK. GREAT. FUN.
ALL RIGHT.

GOOD. TOPNOTCH.
THANKS.

Jackie: THE WAY YOU
DID IN THE AUDITION,
REMEMBER?

THE REASON
WE HIRED YOU.

RIGHT.
ABSOLUTELY. YES.

GOOD NOTE.
REALLY GOOD NOTE.

GREAT.

"NEW VITA-POWER
ENERGY BARS

WITH TASTY, CHEWY
GOODNESS IN EVERY BITE."

I'M JUST GLAD
YOU MET A GUY

WITH HALF A BRAIN
IN HIS HEAD.

OH, WAIT, LET ME FIND
THE LOVE IN THAT...

OH, RIGHT,
THERE IS NONE.

HEY, I'M NOT THE ONE WHO
FELL IN LOVE WITH A GUY

WHO COULD ONLY GET A JOB
SELLING SPERM SAMPLES

AND DOING EXPERIMENTAL
DRUG RESEARCH.

WASN'T HE ALLERGIC?

YES, BUT HE WAS CUTE,
AND YOU KNOW IT.

YEAH, WHEN THE HIVES
CLEARED UP.

"DURING AND AFTER YOUR
LIVING AND GIVING LIFE."

PAUSE. SWEETIE?

UH, YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU'RE NOT
KATHLEEN TURNER, OK?

NO, I'M NOT.
I'M NOT KATHLEEN TURNER.

THAT'S RIGHT.
YEAH, I'M ME.

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE
SAYING? I SHOULD BE ME.

NO. WHAT I'M SAYING
IS THAT THIS ISN'T

BLUE CROSS,
BLUE SHIELD.

IT'S AN ENERGY SNACK,
SO WHY DON'T WE HAVE

SOME--I DON'T KNOW--
ENERGY?

ENERGY--YES, OF COURSE!
OK, YOU'RE RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, BECAUSE
IT'S VITA-POWER,

AND "VITA" MEANS LIFE.

OK, NOW, CORRECT ME
IF I'M WRONG:

MY INTENTION
SHOULD BE TO HAVE--

NO, TO GIVE MORE LIFE...

EXCEPT AS A BAR.

BUT, JACKIE,
MY CONCERN IS THAT

I'M GOING TO BE
OVER THE TOP.

NO. HONEY, YOU'RE
SO UNDER THE TOP
RIGHT NOW

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE
SELLING ME A DOUCHE.

OK? I'M GETTING YOU

ON THE BEACH IN
A FLORAL-PRINT DRESS

TALKING ABOUT
FEMININE FRESHNESS.

IS THAT THE READ
YOU'RE GOING FOR?

NO, THAT'S NOT.

THOSE WERE GOOD
WORD PICTURES.

OK, JUST TRANSLATE THEM
FOR WHAT I NEED.

OK, GOOD.
YEAH, I CAN DO THIS.

I'M JUST GOING
TO KEEP GOING.

YOU ARE SO MEAN.
YOU'RE NOT EVEN
LISTENING TO HER.

YES, I AM.
SHE THINKS SHE'S
DOING BOOKS ON TAPE.

I THINK SHE'S GOOD.

WELL, DON'T CHANGE
THE SUBJECT.

BRETT AND I
ARE COOKING DINNER
ON FRIDAY NIGHT.

HA! WHAT ARE YOU HAVING?

SHUT UP. YOU'RE COMING.

IS HE INVITED?

NO. JUST YOU.

PAUSE.

THAT'S IT. GO HOME.

YOU WANT ME TO GO?
I SHOULD GO HOME?

NO, YOU'RE INCREDIBLE.

I MEAN, THAT VOICE--

DON'T EVEN
KID YOURSELF.

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE
A HUGE CAREER.

OH! OK. I THOUGHT--

THANK YOU.
WELL, THANKS TO YOU.

JACKIE'S
A PIECE OF WORK.

[SIGHS]

BRETT'S A LYING
SACK OF SHIT.

YOU LOOK GOOD.

Eli: I HAVE
NO IDEA WHO THIS IS.
I'M GOING TO KILL YOU.

IF THIS IS A SPORTS FIGURE,
I'M GOING TO KILL YOU.

JALEEL WHITE!

ELIE WIESEL!

YOU'RE ACTUALLY
NOT MY PARTNER.
OK, COME ON. GO.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT
THIS LOOK THAT MAKES
YOU THINK I KNOW?

COME ON. ALL RIGHT,
PASS. PASS. PASS.

OK, THIS ONE.
OH, FUCK, OPEN.

OK, THE EX-FOOTBALL PLAYER
WHO ALLEGEDLY
KILLED HIS WIFE.

OH, OH, OH, OH, OH!
"ALLEGEDLY"--
WHAT ARE YOU, NUTS?

JUST SAY IT!

O.J. SIMPSON.

YES!

THAT'S LIKE SAYING
JACKIE ALLEGEDLY
GOT A NOSE JOB.

Jackie: SHUT UP.

Eli: BOTH OF YOU
SHUT UP. OK?

ALL RIGHT, THIS ONE--
THE FIRST NAME
RHYMES WITH THIS...

OK, COULD YOU NEVER,
EVER DO THAT AGAIN?

JUST SAY IT.

TIME! TIME,
TIME. TIME.

BRETT, IS IT
MAYBE TIME?

WHAT THE FUCK
WAS THAT?

Jackie: I BET YOU
IT WAS ONE OF BRETT'S.

THEY'RE SO HARD
BECAUSE HE'S SO SMART.

APPARENTLY NOT SMART
ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT
YOU HAD A NOSE JOB.

WHAT, I TOLD YOU
ABOUT THAT.

NO, YOU DIDN'T.

SO WHAT'S THE DIFF?

Tom: COME ON, BRETT,
LIKE YOU COULDN'T TELL--

EVERY JEWISH TEEN-AGE
GIRL WITH MONEY

WINDS UP WITH THAT NOSE.

DON'T YOU THINK
IT'S, LIKE, A LITTLE
BIT WEIRD, THOUGH,

THAT EVERYONE ON THE PLANET
KNOWS BUT YOUR BOYFRIEND?

SERIOUSLY, ELI,
WHO WAS THAT?

OK, WELL, I WAS
DOING THE HULA,
SO--

I MEAN, IT'S A LITTLE
STRANGE. RIGHT?

OK. THEY USED TO
CALL ME THE JACKAL.

ALL RIGHT?
SO I GOT A NOSE JOB.

ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

Tom: ALL RIGHT. I GIVE UP.
WHAT RHYMES WITH HULA?

WOW. THE JACKAL.
THAT'S BRUTAL.

YOU'RE BEING A JERK.

YEAH, BUT I'M BEING
AN HONEST JERK,

SO THAT COUNTS
FOR SOMETHING, I THINK.

OH, WAIT. SHH.
YOU HEAR THAT?

THAT'S THE SOUND OF YOU
NOT GETTING LAID TONIGHT.

HA HA HA HA...

OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
DID YOU GUYS HEAR THAT?

THAT WAS THE SOUND OF
JACKIE BEING A BITCH.

DID YOU GUYS HEAR THAT?

YEAH, I DID
HEAR THAT...

WELL, WHAT DO YOU
WANT FROM ME?

I DON'T KNOW. HOW ABOUT
A LITTLE HONESTY.
YOU KNOW...

OH, COME ON.
YOU KNOW WHAT,
THE SELF-PITY BUS

STOPS RIGHT IN FRONT
OF MY BUILDING, PAL.
DON'T MISS IT.

WELL, MAYBE I'LL GET ON
THE SELF-PITY BUS, YOU KNOW?
MAYBE I'LL GET A TRANSFER.

OK, YOU KNOW WHAT?
CAN WE GET OUT OF HERE

BEFORE THEY START
LOOKING LIKE MY PARENTS?

FINE WITH ME.

ALL RIGHT.
YOUR PLACE?

UH, YEAH, OK.
WE CAN TAKE ONE C--

OH, HEY, HEY. WAS THAT
TALLULAH BANKHEAD?

NO, NO.
RULA LENSKA.

RULA LENSKA.

WHO THE FUCK
IS RULA LENSKA?

JACKIE: OH,
I'M SO SORRY...

OH, YOU'RE
TICKLING ME.

GUESS THEY
MADE UP.

HOPE SHE PAID
FOR SCOTCHGARD.

MMM. OH,
DON'T DO THAT.

OOH, NOT RIGHT NOW.

Eli: LIKE WHEN PEOPLE
SAY "EX CETERA"

INSTEAD OF "ET CETERA"--

WHAT IS THAT,
"EX CETERA"? CRAZY.

OH, MY FAVORITE IS

"FOR ALL INTENSIVE
PURPOSES."

THAT'S LIKE NUTS.
IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT,

WHERE'D YOU GO TO SCHOOL?

ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T
WANT A SANDWICH?

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW HOW
YOU COULD EAT THAT FOOD.

NO OFFENSE, BUT JACKIE
CAN'T COOK FOR SHIT.

NO WONDER BRETT'S
LOSING WEIGHT.

HEY, HEY, HEY--
HOLLYWOOD NEWS.
WHERE'S YOUR SECTION?

OH, NO.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

OH, COME ON, PLEASE.

I'S EMBARRASSING.
GOD, I MEAN IT'S--

HERE, THAT'S IT
RIGHT THERE.
BUT DON'T--

LOOK AT THAT:
"POLICE BLOTTER.

EDITED BY ELI WYCKOFF."

YEAH. I DON'T
WANT YOU TO...

"JUAN A. MASS, 35,

"ARRESTED EARLY
SUNDAY FOR D.U.I.

"BLOOD ALCOHOL LEVEL
WAS 2.1

WHEN SUSPECT
WAS APPREHINDED
BY L.A.P.D."

WHAT?

IT SAYS
"APPREHINDED."

NO, IT DOESN'T.
IT'S "APPREHENDED."

IT SAYS
"APPREHINDED."

OH, MY GOD. SHIT!

TO APPREHIND.
THAT'S WHEN, WHAT,

THEY GRAB THE GUY
ON THE ASS?

GODDAMN. I PROOFREAD THIS
LIKE A MILLION TIMES.

OH, GOD.

RELAX.

FUCK!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT
YOU NEED?

YEAH. A NEW JOB,
APPARENTLY.

NO, NO, NO, NO.
YOU NEED A DRINK.

A DRINK.
A REAL DRINK.

DO YOU HAVE ANY VODKA?

UM, I DON'T KNOW.
IS THIS VODKA?

I'VE HAD IT
SINCE LIKE 1947.

ALL RIGHT, DO YOU
HAVE MARTINI GLASSES?

THOSE ARE
MY MARTINI GLASSES.

AND MY JUICE GLASSES.
AND MY WATER GLASSES.

ALL RIGHT, NEVER MIND.
THEY'LL DO.

I AM GOING
TO INTRODUCE YOU

TO THE WONDERFUL WORLD
OF MARTINIS.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

NO, NO, NO.
SCREEN, SCREEN.

NO, NO. LET ME GET IT.

COME ON. LET
THE MACHINE GET IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT, I BET
YOU CAN'T DO IT.

I CAN DO IT.

I DARE YOU.

[RING RING]

ALL RIGHT.

Machine:
HI. THIS IS ELI.
LEAVE A MESSAGE.

I GOT TO GET THAT PIECE-
OF-SHIT MACHINE FIXED.

Woman: ELI,
THIS IS DR. WYCKOFF.

THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG
WITH YOUR MACHINE.

WHO'S THAT,
YOUR SHRINK?

NO, IT'S MY MOM.

YOU REFER
TO HER AS--

IT TOOK HER 12 YEARS
TO GET HER Ph.D.

SHE LIKES TO HEAR HERSELF
SAY IT, OK?

NOW MOVE. NO, COME ON.
I'M SERIOUS.

ELI, I WAS JUST READING
THE NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL
OF MEDICINE.

AND THERE'S
A PULL-OUT SECTION
ON THE NEW T.S.E.--

TESTICULAR SELF-EXAM
AND HOW TO MAKE IT
PART OF YOUR LIFESTYLE.

MY GOD.

DO YOU WANT
TO TRY IT?

NO. COME ON. GOD DAMN IT.
I CAN'T BEL--

I FAXED THE DIAGRAM
OVER TO YOUR OFFICE.

I PUT YOUR NAME
ALL OVER IT.

OH, MY GOD.
OH, MY GOD.

YEAH. DON'T LISTEN.

THE HUES JUST HIT YOU
RIGHT IN THE FACE.

YOU MAY WANT TO
GIVE YOURSELF AN EXAM
WHILE I READ ALOUD.

I THINK WE SHOULD DO
THIS EXAM TOGETHER.

OK, LET'S TAKE
A DEEP BREATH TOGETHER.

OK, START BY LIFTING
THE PENIS TO ONE SIDE.

OH, MY GOD.

SLOWLY ROLL THE TESTICLE

BETWEEN THE THUMB
AND FINGERS,

APPLYING SLIGHT PRESSURE.

OW!

[BEEP]

HELLO? MOM?

IT'S ME.

Dr. Wyckoff: WHO?

ELI!

ELI. OH, WELL,
ARE WE SCREENING?

YEAH--NO.
I WASN'T, ACTUALLY.

WE JUST GOT IN.

WE. MM-HMM.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

CAN I CALL YOU BACK?

DO WE HAVE COMPANY?

YES.

Dr. Wyckoff: JEWISH?

NO, BUT--

CUTE?

WILL YOU STOP?

WEAR A CONDOM.

OH, GOD, MOM, NO.
IT'S NOT LIKE--

DID YOU HEAR THE STUFF
ABOUT THE T.S.E.?

DID YOU HEAR WHAT
I WAS TALKING ABOUT?

YEAH. WE BOTH DID.
THANKS.

MAYBE YOU COULD BOTH
DO IT TOGETHER THEN.

NOTHING WRONG WITH
HELPING EACH OTHER
WITH A TESTICULAR EXAM.

MOM--

DON'T BE SHY.

I GOT TO CALL YOU
LATER, OK?

WAIT, HONEY, PLEASE,
HOLD ON FOR A SECOND.

CALL ME TOMORROW MORNING
BETWEEN 6:50 AND 7:00--

GOOD-BYE. GOD.

I FEEL SO DIRTY.

SO WHY DOES IT MATTER
IF I'M JEWISH?

YOU HEARD THAT?

OH, YEAH.

OH, MY GOD.

I AM GOING TO GO
TO THE BATHROOM NOW

AND HOPE TO GOD THAT
I CAN OVERDOSE ON TUMS

OR MAALOX OR
PINE-SCENTED GLADE.

I'M SO EMBARRASSED.

DON'T BE.
IT WASN'T THAT BAD.

REALLY.
IT WAS FUNNY, ACTUALLY.

WILL YOU PLEASE CALL MOM FOR ME?
I CANNOT TALK TO HER.

THE WOMAN STOPPED
HAVING BOUNDARIES

WHEN SHE STOPPED
WEARING A BRA.

AND THE FACT THAT
I KNOW THAT--OOH.

I KNOW. IT'S SCARY.

DOES SHE PULL
THAT SHIT WITH YOU?

ARE YOU KIDDING?
SHE WANTED ME TO

TAPE MY FIRST TIME
FOR HER PROFESSIONAL
EVALUATION.

AND?

I'M NOT TELLING YOU.

OH, GOD, AND DID
I TELL YOU--SHE JUST
SENT ME THIS ARTICLE

ABOUT CIRCLE JERKS
IN THE NEW SAFE SEX.

CAN YOU BELIEVE
I THOUGHT

"CIRCLE JERKS" WAS
A FIGURE-SKATING TERM?

Eli: WELL, YOU KNOW, IT IS--
WITH THE MALE FIGURE SKATERS.

WILL YOU PLEASE CALL HER
FOR ME--PLEASE.

I CANNOT TALK TO HER.

YOU KNOW,
YOU CAN'T FIGHT IT.

AND THE MORE YOU
TRY TO AVOID HER,

THE MORE SHE'S GOING TO
INSIST ON MEETING--

WHAT'S YOUR NEW
BOYFRIEND'S NAME?

TOM. AND HE'S NOT
MY BOYFRIEND.

WHATEVER.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THE HELL HE IS.

WHAT DO YOU
WANT HIM TO BE?

WHAT?

I--NO. YEAH.

IT'S LIKE--I--
NO, NO--

I JUST WISH I KNEW
ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.

OK, PUT THE BONG DOWN,
SPACE COWBOY.

HE'S YOUR FUCKING BOYFRIEND,
JUST LIKE I SAID.

Man: ELI.

OH, HEY.

* WHEN YOU SAID TO ME

* YOU ARE NOT SO OLD

* DID I KNOW IT THEN

* 'CAUSE I HAD JUST BEEN TOLD

* I DIDN'T THINK I'D FIND YOU

* PERFECT IN SO MANY WAYS

* BUT I'VE BEEN WAITING

* WAITING

WHAT IS IT WITH
YOU AND NUDITY?

NOTHING. BUT THAT
MOVIE WAS PANDERING.

IT WAS AN ART FILM.

YEAH--THE ART OF GUYS
WITH 6-PACK ABS

BLOWING EACH OTHER
EVERY CHANCE THEY GET.

AND EVERY
GAY GUY IN L.A.

IS LIKE
"RUN, DON'T WALK."

AND THE PROBLEM
WITH THAT IS...

CHRIST, YOU MAY AS WELL
STAY HOME AND WATCH

THE HAND THAT
ROCKS MY LADLE

OR POCAHONCHO.

AT LEAST THOSE MOVIES
DON'T PRETEND TO BE

SOMETHING
THAT THEY'RE NOT.

YOU HAVE THOSE?
POP THEM IN.

OH, GOD. SEE? YOU'RE
PART OF THE PROBLEM.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU THINK THAT A MOVIE
ABOUT 2 GUYS--

IT CAN'T BE ABOUT LOVE--
JUST SEX?

THOSE GUYS
WERE IN LOVE.

GRANTED,
IT WAS A SPECIAL
KIND OF LOVE.

THE KIND OF LOVE
THAT REQUIRED LATEX.

OH, MY GOD. YOU KNOW WHAT,
NEVER MIND.

I CANNOT HAVE THIS
ARGUMENT WITH A GUY

WHO NEVER SAW
GONE WITH THE WIND--
WHAT IS THAT?

GOD,
WOULD YOU RELAX.

HUH? YOU'RE GOING
TO GIVE YOURSELF
AN ANEURYSM.

YOU ARE INFURIATING.

YOU--YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

DO YOU WANT ME
TO STOP?

NO.

MMM.

MAN, YOU ALWAYS
SMELL SO GOOD.

OK, THERE YOU GO.

SO, UH, SATURDAY
IS TENNIS, RIGHT?

THERE MUST BE
AN OPEN ON--

AUSTRALIA, BRITISH.
PAKISTANI, RIGHT?

IS SOMETHING WRONG?

WHAT? NO, NO.

I JUST WANT TO WATCH TV,
THAT'S ALL.

HUH.

THAT'S OK.
WHATEVER. I GET IT.

GET WHAT?

SAME AS USUAL.

THE WHOLE COME-HERE-
GO-AWAY ROUTINE.

WHAT, DO YOU WANT ME
TO KEEP MASSAGING YOU?

I WILL, BUT I GOT
TO TELL YOU,

THIS ISN'T EXACTLY
THE WAY TO GET ME
TO WANT TO.

NO, TOM,
IT'S ACTUALLY FINE.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S JUST--

YOU'RE NOT
ATTRACTED TO ME,

YOU WANT TO
JUST BE FRIENDS--
I CAN HANDLE THAT.

BUT THEN STOP
FUCKING CALLING ME
AND INVITING ME

TO SEE SEMI-PORN ON
A SATURDAY AFTERNOON.

AND THEN DRAG ME
BACK TO MY HOUSE

AND START
RUBBING MY SHOULDERS

AND EXPECT ME
TO BE LIKE, "HEY, BUDDY,

THANKS A LOT.
I'LL SEE YOU AROUND."

WHAT IS SO WRONG
WITH TAKING THINGS SLOW?

HUH? WHY DOES IT
ALWAYS HAVE TO BE

ALL OR NOTHING WITH YOU?

I DON'T KNOW.

ALL RIGHT, FINE.

THEN MAYBE WE SHOULD
COOL IT OFF FOR A WHILE.

NO, I LIKE YOU. I DO.

THANK YOU.

IT'S JUST...

I WANT TO HAVE
A GOOD TIME.

THAT'S ALL.

I DON'T WANT TO MAKE THIS
THIS INTENSE THING.

AND YOU SEEM
TO WANT THIS...

I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

EGGS, ACTUALLY.

WHATEVER.

REMEMBER COOTIES?

DON'T TOUCH THE LOSERS
OR YOU GET COOTIES.

AND WHO ARE THE LOSERS?

EASY. ANYBODY WITH
A HARD-BOILED EGG

IN THEIR LUNCH BAG.

WELL, I DON'T THINK

TOM LIKED WHAT I HAD
IN MY LUNCH BAG.

Man: WHAT ABOUT SEX?
I MEAN, PEOPLE DO HAVE SEX.

Woman: SEX IS THE LOGICAL
OUTGROWTH OF...

ELI, LET IT OUT.

NO, YOU KNOW, I DON'T
WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

COP-OUT!

WHY DO YOU
FEEL THE NEED TO
BEAT YOURSELF UP?

WHY WON'T YOU
LET US INTO THE NOW?

WHY DO I FEEL LIKE
I'M IN A CHEESY
SEVENTIES EST SEMINAR?

GOOD. HOW ELSE
DO YOU FEEL?

WOULD YOU LIKE US
TO BRING OUT
THE FEEL WHEEL?

YOU KNOW WHAT, NO.
I WOULD ACTUALLY LIKE IT

IF YOU WOULD JUST LEAVE ME
ALONE FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

LET ME IN.

I'M NOT GOING TO HURT YOU.

I'M YOUR FRIEND.
WHAT IS WRONG?

I'M FINE, OK?

I DON'T THINK SO.

IT'S THIS GUY.

I KNEW IT.

HE HAS THIS REPUTATION
FOR BEING SORT OF EASY.

MM-HMM.

NOT WITH ME.

WITH ME, IT'S HARD.

OR NOT HARD--MAYBE
THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

OK...

OH, ELI. WHAT IS THIS?

TV: A CLOSETED GAY TEACHER
IS OUTED BY A FORMER STUDENT

ON THE NIGHT
OF THE ACADEMY AWARDS

IN THE GROUND-BREAKING
COMEDY STARRING KEVIN KLINE.

I HATE THIS FILM.
DAVID, COME IN HERE,

YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT
THEY'RE SHOWING AGAIN.

WHAT A PIECE-OF-SHIT
FILM. HONESTLY.

LIKE WE'RE
SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE--

LOOK AT THIS.
THEY'RE SHOWING IT AGAIN.

THEY SHOWED IT
LAST WEEK.

THAT THIS WOMAN'S
GOING TO FALL IN LOVE

WITH A MIDDLE-AGED,
HOMOPHOBIC,
SELF-HATING TEACHER

WHO'S ONLY NOW
DISCOVERED HE'S GAY.

WE HATED
THIS MOVIE.

I DON'T THINK SO.

CHANGE
THE CHANNEL.
CHANGE
THE CHANNEL.

FUCK YOU!

HI.

HI, SUNNY.

MMM...

OH, HONEY...

THAT'S SO SWEET.

BUT RIGHT NOW
THE THOUGHT OF FOOD

MAKES ME WANT TO BORCH.

PRETTY PICTURE
TO WAKE UP TO, HUH?

WELL, "A"--
I CAN'T IMAGINE

WAKING UP TO
ANY OTHER PICTURE,

AND, "B"--

I DON'T EVER
WANT TO HAVE TO.

WHAT IS THIS?

IT'S
YOUR CAPERS.

I KNOW HOW
YOU LIKE THEM
ON THE SIDE.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, SHIT.

D--HUH?

OH, NO.
NO, NO, NO. I--

OF COURSE
I'LL MARRY YOU.

IT'S JUST THAT NOW
EVERYBODY'S GOING TO THINK

WE'RE DOING IT
BECAUSE I'M PREGNANT.

YOU'RE KIDDING ME.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

HOLY...OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

MMM. MR. PREGGERS.

MR. PREGGERS.
WAKE UP, MR. PREGGERS.

WE SHOULD HAVE
NEVER FOOLED AROUND.

I KNOW. WHY DON'T YOU
HAVE SOME MORE WINE?

WHAT CAN I SAY?
HE DOESN'T MAKE ME
WEAK IN THE KNEES.

PLEASE. THAT IS EXACTLY
WHY YOU SHOULD BE WITH HIM.

I MEAN, THE ONES
THAT MAKE YOU DIZZY

ARE ONLY GOOD
FOR A QUICK FUCK.

THE REST ARE
MARRIAGE MATERIAL,

LIKE BRETT.

THAT IS EXACTLY
WHAT I'M AFRAID OF.

WAIT. WHAT?

WOW. WOW, THAT WAS FAST.

WELL, TICK-TOCK,
YOU KNOW?

[LAUGHS]

YOU'RE CRAZY.

I WANT YOU TO BE
MY MAN OF HONOR.

THERE'S NO SUCH THING.

SO? YOU'RE
MY BEST FRIEND.

I COULDN'T EVEN
IMAGINE ANYBODY ELSE
BY MY SIDE.

AND YOUR FIRST DUTY
AS MY PERSONAL SLAVE

IS TO PRETEND
TO LOVE IT.

FINE. FINE. FINE.

Jackie: THANKS.
I LOVE YOU.

* I'VE BEEN WALKING
BACKWARDS LATELY *

* TO SEE IF
I COULD FIND YOU *

[TELEPHONE BEEPS]

IT'S JACKIE. AGAIN. HELLO?

Jackie: WHERE ARE YOU?
CALL ME BACK--STAT.

* IMAGINE YOU
FALLING ASLEEP *

* WATCHING TV IN THE DEN

* IF I COULD
BRING YOU BACK *

* TALK ABOUT...

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Tom's voice: HI, THIS IS TOM.
LEAVE A MESSAGE OR DON'T.

[TELEPHONE BEEPS]

THIS IS THE BRIDE-TO-BE.

I REALLY WOULDN'T MIND

HAVING MY BEST FRIEND
AROUND RIGHT NOW,

BEING THAT IT'S THE MOST
IMPORTANT TIME OF MY LIFE.

BUT, HEY, MAYBE THAT'S
JUST TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR.

* ANYTHING JUST TO
SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN *

* AND JUST TO MAKE YOU SMILE

* AND SET ME FREE

* IF I COULD BRING YOU BACK

* WELL, THAT'D BE
THE SWEETEST THING *

* IF I COULD BRING YOU BACK

* TO ME

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS]

* TURN HIS HEAD AND RUN

* AND DON'T LOOK BACK

* BECAUSE I FEAR

* THERE IS NOTHING
LEFT TO SAY TO YOU *

* THAT YOU WANT TO HEAR,
THAT YOU WANT TO KNOW *

* I THINK I SHOULD GO

* THE THINGS I HAVE DONE
ARE WAY TOO SHAMEFUL *

* OH

* OOH, OOH, OOH

* OOH, OOH, OOH

FREEZE!

[TELEPHONE BEEPS]

JACK. JACK, PICK UP.
IT'S ME.

[WHISPERING]
JACKIE, PLEASE PICK UP.

[SIGHS]

ALL RIGHT, WELL,
I MET SOMEONE...

APPARENTLY. FUCK!

[SIGHS]

LISTEN, JACK, I'M...

I'M REALLY SORRY
I HAVEN'T RETURNED
YOUR CALLS.

I'VE BEEN A SHIT,
ALL RIGHT,

AND IT'S ME.
IT'S NOT YOU.

LIKE YOU DON'T
KNOW THAT.

[MAN RUSTLES]

JACK, I REALLY, REALLY

NEED TO TALK TO YOU,
ALL RIGHT?

I'M FREAKING OUT HERE.

OH, JESUS, THIS GUY
HAS THE NUMBER 8

TATTOOED ON HIS...
WAIT.

CORRECTION. IT SAYS
"EIGHTH WONDER."

OK. YEAH. YOU KNOW,
I REALLY KNOW
HOW TO PICK THEM.

JACK, PLEASE
CALL ME BACK.

OPEN YOUR EYES
AND LOOK AT ME.

NO, I DON'T THINK
I WILL KISS YOU--

ALTHOUGH YOU NEED
KISSING BADLY.

Clark Gable:
IF THE RIGHT MOMENT
EVER CAME.

YOU'RE A CONCEITED,
BLACK-HEARTED,
VARMINT, RHETT BUTLER,

AND I DON'T KNOW WHY
I LET YOU COME AND SEE ME.

Gable: I'LL TELL YOU
WHY, SCARLETT.

THE WAR CAN'T LAST
MUCH LONGER.

REALLY, RHETT. WHY?

THERE'S A LITTLE BATTLE
GOING ON RIGHT NOW
THAT OUGHT TO...

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HELLO?

Tom: HOW HAVE
YOU BEEN?

OK.

GOOD.

LISTEN, UM...

WHAT?

WELL, WHAT I WAS
GOING TO SAY WAS

I'VE BEEN
PROCRASTINATING

ABOUT THIS WHOLE
WEDDING THING.

I HAVEN'T GOTTEN A GIFT
FOR JACKIE'S SHOWER YET.

I GUESS I'M IN DENIAL.

I'M SURE IT'S NOT
THE FIRST TIME.

YEAH. RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, TOM,
I GUESS I NEVER
GOT THE E-MAIL,

YOU KNOW, THAT OUR
COOLING-OFF PERIOD
WAS OFFICIALLY OVER.

AND, FRANKLY,
I'D LIKE TO
RENEW MY OPTION.

UM...YEAH. L--

BYE.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

FUCK...FUCK...

Machine: HI, THIS IS ELI.
LEAVE A MESSAGE.

Tom: YEAH,
IT'S TOM AGAIN.

LISTEN,
I'M ALL FOR KEEPING
THINGS CASUAL--

NOW HE'S OVER ME.
THAT'S JUST GREAT.

BUT THAT DOESN'T
MEAN WE CAN'T GO OUT

AND BUY A BABY GIFT
TOGETHER, DOES IT?

I HATE PEOPLE
LIKE THIS.

I KNOW.

THEY PLAY THIS GAME.
ONCE YOU DECIDE
TO PLAY IT, TOO,

THEY DON'T WANT TO
PLAY IT ANYMORE.

I MEAN, WHAT
THE FUCK IS THAT?

YEAH. YOU KNOW,
I'M STARTING TO THINK

THAT'S ALL THERE IS
OUT THERE ANYMORE.

WELL, THAT'S WRONG.

NOPE. NO, HERE'S
WHAT I THINK.

I THINK WHO I AM,
YOU KNOW, WHAT I'VE BEEN--

NOT WORKING SO MUCH ANYMORE.

FROM NOW ON, THERE'S
GOING TO BE A WHOLE NEW ELI.

THE WHOLE LOVE THING--
I DON'T BUY IT.

WELL, HOW COME
IT WORKS FOR ME?

OH, MY GOD, YOU
ARE SO FULL OF SHIT.
IT DOESN'T WORK FOR YOU.

YOU FALL IN LOVE
WITH A DIFFERENT
PERSON EACH WEEK.

MY POINT EXACTLY.

NO, NO, NO. YOU FALL
IN LOVE WITH THE IDEA
OF BEING IN LOVE--

WITH A MARRIED MAN TO,
WHAT, EXPERIENCE THE RUSH
OF BREAKING UP A FAMILY?

NOW YOU FALL IN LOVE
WITH A DEAF GUY TO
LEARN SIGN LANGUAGE?

WELL, I DID.

OK, HONEY, THIS DOES NOT
CONSTITUTE SIGN LANGUAGE.

AND THEN WITH A WOMAN
JUST TO PISS OFF MOM AND DAD.

OK, HOW MUCH
DID THAT BACKFIRE?

THAT'S THE YEAR THAT
THEY DECIDED TO RUN

FOR CO-PRESIDENT
OF P-FLAG.

YOU KNOW WHAT, FROM NOW ON,
IT'S JUST GOING TO BE

ONE-NIGHT STANDS,
CASUAL SEX,

JUST A LOT
OF CLOSE FRIENDS.

HMPH. YOU SOUND
PATHETIC.

NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?
FOR THE FIRST TIME
IN MY LIFE,

I THINK I ACTUALLY
MAKE SENSE.

GREAT. GLAD TO HELP YOU
THROUGH THE PAIN. BYE-BYE.

BYE. I'LL CALL
YOU LATER.

YEAH, WILL YOU TELL
THAT OTHER ELI TO
GIVE ME A CALL?

THIS ONE SUCKS.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

IF THAT'S HIM, YOU'RE
NOT GOING SHOPPING.

[RING RING]

OK, FYI, THE ONLY
REASON I'M HERE

IS BECAUSE YOUR WHOLE
TIRES-GOT-SLASHED-STORY

WAS SO MUCH MORE
BELIEVABLE

THAN THE FIRST
13 MESSAGES YOU LEFT ME.

PERSONALLY,
I THOUGHT I HAD YOU

WITH THE TICKETS TO
X FILES ON ICE.

I ALREADY SAW IT.

[CHUCKLES]

I ALWAYS WANTED ONE
WHEN I WAS A KID.

SURPRISING, HUH?

OH, MY GOD, I HAD
SO MANY DOLLS.

MY DAD WOULD HAVE
KILLED ME.

REALLY?

YEAH.

MY HOUSE WAS LIKE
A FREE-FOR-ALL.

MY SISTER HAD ALL THESE
BARBIES AND KENS,

AND MY PARENTS
MADE ME PLAY WITH THEM.

YOUR PARENTS FORCED YOU
TO PLAY WITH DOLLS?

OH, IT WAS JUST SO
I COULD LEARN THE NAMES
OF ALL THE BODY PARTS.

PICK WHICHEVER DOLL
YOU LIKE.

IT'S YOUR CHOICE.
THEY'RE ALL BEAUTIFUL.

GOOD. NOW SWITCH.

WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS?

VAGINA.

YES. VAGINA.
GOOD, RAYNA.

ELI...VAGINA.

VAGINA.

NOW SAY IT LIKE YOU
MEAN IT: VA-GI-NA.

VAGINA.

YES. YES. YES.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT
KEN WAS GAY.

HE WAS WHEN I GOT
THROUGH WITH HIM.

THAT'S ANOTHER STORY.

YOU KNOW,
YOU AND KEN TOGETHER--

IT'S STRANGELY EROTIC.

WELL, WE HAVE BEEN KNOWN
TO DO PRIVATE SHOWS,

IF YOU'RE INTERESTED.

NOT TODAY.

OK.

HELLO, THERE, ELI.

I'M FUZZY WUZZY
THE BEAR.

JACKIE WOULD LOVE
THIS BEAR.

* FUZZY WUZZY
WAS A BEAR *

* FUZZY WUZZY
HAD NO HAIR *

* FUZZY WUZZY
WASN'T VERY FUZZY,
WAS HE? *

WAS HE? WAS HE?

WAS HE? WAS HE?
WAS HE?

WAS HE?
WAS HE!

WAS HE! WAS HE!

WAS HE. WAS HE.
WAS HE.

THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

NO, NO.
YOU SAID, WAS HE?

IT'S WAS HE.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

YOU'RE KIDDING,
RIGHT?

YOU JUST ESTABLISHED
THAT FUZZY WUZZY
HAD NO HAIR.

WHY WOULD YOU
THEN ASK, WAS HE?

LIKE A QUESTION,
LIKE YOU DIDN'T KNOW

IF HE WAS FUZZY
OR NOT.

IT IS A QUESTION.
I'M ASKING IF FUZZY
IS OR ISN'T FUZZY.

WHAT IS SO WRONG
ABOUT THAT?

IT IS A RHETORICAL
QUESTION.

THERE'S NO ANSWER
TO IT.

IT'S SUPPOSED
TO BE IRONIC.

"FUZZY WUZZY WASN'T
VERY FUZZY, WAS HE."

I DON'T THINK IT'S
THAT OBVIOUS IF FUZZY WUZZY
WAS OR WASN'T FUZZY.

IT IS THE POINT
OF THE WHOLE
GODDAMN THING.

MAN, WHY ARE YOU
SO UPTIGHT?

NO--THERE ALWAYS HAS TO BE
A RIGHT WAY WITH YOU

AND A WRONG WAY WITH YOU.

I MEAN, IS THAT WHY
YOU LIKE BEING WITH ME--

SO YOU CAN FEEL LIKE
YOU'RE RIGHT ALL THE TIME.

WHAT? NO.

THAT'S--IS THAT
WHAT YOU THINK?

ALLS I KNOW IS YOU HAVE
THIS RIGID IDEA

OF HOW I SHOULD BE.

"ALLS YOU KNOW"?

RIGHT. RIGHT. I CAN'T.

FUCK!

Woman: OH, BOY,
IT'S MINE, MINE, MINE!

[WOMEN GUSH]

I LOVE THIS.

Woman: WELL, ENJOY IT NOW,
HONEY, BECAUSE IN A MONTH OR SO,

YOU'RE GOING TO BE
RIPPING THE SEAMS.

[WOMAN CACKLES]

I'M GOING TO
KILL YOU.

RACHEL, COULD YOU
SHUT THE FUCK UP?

YOU'RE CACKLING
LIKE AN IDIOT.

COME ON, LIZ,
GRAB SOME BOWS

AND HELP US WITH
THE REHEARSAL BOUQUET.

WHY DO YOU WANT ME
TO DO IT?

BECAUSE YOU THINK
IT'S THE ONLY TIME

I'M EVER GOING TO
GET TO HOLD ONE?

OK, LIZ, WHAT TIME
IS THERAPY, HON?

DO THEY MAKE
HOUSE CALLS?

THAT'S REALLY SWEET.
VERY SUPPORTIVE.

I'M TAKING MY GIFT BACK.

I'LL MAKE IT.
I'LL MAKE IT.

Liz: THANK YOU.
NICE PERSON.

[BANGING ON THE DOOR]

WAIT! THE DOOR.
GET THE DOOR.
GET THE DOOR.

OH. UH-OH.

IS JACKIE HERE?

Liz: HEY, JACKIE,
DID YOU FORGET TO PAY
SOME PARKING TICKETS?

HELLO.

ARE YOU JACKIE GOLD?

I'LL BE JACKIE GOLD.

Jackie: I'M GOING
TO KILL YOU GUYS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU DID THIS.

JACKIE, YOU HAVE BEEN

A BAD, BAD, BAD GIRL,
HAVEN'T YOU?

Woman: OH, BABY!
OH, YEAH!

PUT THAT THING AWAY.

GO AHEAD...GREAT ANGLE.

Jackie: OH, MY GOD.

YOU WORK THAT BOOTY.

UH, I LOVE HIM.

Woman: UH-HUH!

THIS IS IT!
THIS IS IT!

OK, THAT IS GOING
TO BE AMAZING!

ENOUGH WITH
THE PICTURES.

THAT WAS GREAT.
IT WAS GREAT.

I HATE IT WITH
THE PICTURES.

AH, RING, RING,
RING, RING.

OK...

FORGET ABOUT
THE RING.

CAN WE TALK
ABOUT OUR
FRIEND THE COP?

Woman: YOU MEAN YOUR
FUTURE EX-HUSBAND?

Tom: SO HOW LONG
YOU BEEN DOING THIS?

TOO LONG...

Jackie: LET'S GO, LADIES.

Liz: LET ME
ASK YOU THIS.

HOW MANY OF THESE GIFTS
CAN I TAKE HOME WITH ME?

Jackie: YOU'RE CRAZY.

Liz: I WRAP
BEAUTIFULLY, THOUGH.

DON'T YOU THINK
WE SHOULD SHARE?

YOU DON'T
EVEN LIKE MINE.
CAN I TAKE IT BACK?

EXCUSE ME--ONE SECOND.

SO, UM, YOU KNOW,

I'VE BEEN KIND OF
BAD MYSELF.

YOU HAVE?

[CAR PEELS OUT]

* PLEASE FORGIVE ME
IF I ACT A LITTLE STRANGE *

* FOR I KNOW NOT WHAT I DO

[DOORBELL RINGS]

* FEELS LIKE LIGHTNING

* RUNNING THROUGH MY VEINS

* EVERY TIME I LOOK AT YOU

HEY.

HEY.

HOW MUCH
DO I OWE YOU?

UH, $9.22.

ALL RIGHT, WHY DON'T
YOU KEEP THAT.

COOL.

THANKS A LOT.

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

YOU, TOO. THANKS.

* AND THERE'S SO MUCH
I WANT TO SAY *

* WANT TO TELL YOU
JUST HOW GOOD IT FEELS *

* WHEN YOU LOOK AT ME...

HEY.

HEY.

WHERE DID YOU FIND THIS?

INTERNET.

THANK YOU.

I TOOK IT
OUT OF THE BOX

SO YOU COULD
PLAY WITH IT.

IT CAME IN A BOX?
THE ORIGINAL BOX?

MM-HMM.

WHERE IS IT?

I TOSSED IT. WHY?

WHY?

NEVER MIND.

AND THEN IT HAPPENED.

WHAT?

WE WENT WHERE NO 2 MEN
SHOULD EVER GO

WITHOUT A PRESCRIPTION.

TRUST ME. YOU DON'T WANT
THE DETAILS.

ARE YOU NUTS?

AT MY AGE, THE DETAILS
ARE ALL I GOT.

[MOANING]

TAKE OFF YOUR...

OUCH!

IT'S THE REMOTE.

* WHOA-OH-OH-A

Eli: LET'S NOT...

Tom: WHAT?

THAT'S THE BACK
OF MY LEG.

OH, SORRY.

KIDDING. KIDDING.

THAT'S FUNNY.
THAT'S FUNNY.

[MOANING]

WAIT.

DON'T YOU WANT TO...

YOU HAVE A THINGIE?

SHUT UP. SHUT UP.

THINGIE?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YEAH. YEAH.

* FOR I KNOW NOT WHAT I DO

TOM?

YEAH?

LOOK AT ME.

I...LOVE YOU.

OH, MY GOD.

I LOVE YOU.

OH, MY GOD.

* EVERY TIME I LOOK AT YOU

I'M HUNGRY.

YEAH? YOU LIKE EGGS?

WHY DON'T I
MAKE US SOME EGGS?

WELL, I'M SUPPOSED TO
MEET MY PARENTS

AT THE COUNTRY CLUB
FOR BRUNCH.

DO YOU WANT TO COME?

HEY.

HI, MOM.

HI, SWEETHEART.

HEY, DAD.

TOM.

UM, THIS IS ELI.

HI. IT'S NICE
TO MEET YOU.

HELLO, ELI.

HI.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

WELL, WHY DON'T
WE ALL SIT DOWN?

LYDIA AND I CAN
SHARE A MENU.

Waitress: I'LL GET
ANOTHER SET UP.

DO YOU GUYS
WANT COFFEE OR
JUICE OR ANYTHING?

YEAH. COFFEE
WITH MILK.

Tom: CAN I GET A MIMOSA
AND A COFFEE..AND A WATER?

YOU'LL FILL UP
ON LIQUIDS, HONEY.

SAVE ROOM
FOR YOUR MEAL.

LEAVE HIM ALONE, LYDIA.

I WASN'T
CRITICIZING HIM...

HE'S OBVIOUSLY OLD ENOUGH
TO PLEASE HIMSELF.

YEAH. SO, UH...

WHAT HAVE YOU GUYS
BEEN UP TO?

WELL, NOT MUCH
REALLY.

WE GOT BACK FROM
KEENAN ON FRIDAY.

AND, OH...

AND THEN I TOOK THE GIRLS
FROM MY CHURCH GROUP

TO SEE THE PHANTOM
OF THE OPERA.

OH, IS THAT
STILL RUNNING?

IT WAS FRIDAY NIGHT.

RIGHT. RIGHT.
I DIDN'T KNOW.

75 BUCKS A SHOT--
IT'S ABSURD.

IT'S LIKE THROWING
MONEY IN THE TRASH.

IT'S THEATER, JIM.

IT'S TRASH, LYDIA.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
BUT HOW WAS IT UP IN KEENAN?

WHAT?
WHAT'S WRONG?

NOW'S NOT
THE TIME, HONEY.

SO THERE'S A RIGHT TIME
TO ASK ABOUT AMY?

STUPID.
EXCUSE ME.

YOU HEARD ME, LYDIA.

YOU TALK TO ME
LIKE THAT, YOU'LL SEE
WHAT YOU GET FROM ME.

IS THAT A THREAT, LYDIA?

DAD, COULD YOU NOT--

SHUT UP, TOM.

OH, THAT'S RICH.

LET'S GO.

COME ON. LET'S GO.

LET GO OF ME.
DON'T DO THAT.

Lydia: DON'T DO THAT.
GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME.

Jim: I TOLD YOU--

Lydia: YOU ALWAYS DO THIS.
YOU ALWAYS PULL A SCENE.

LET'S GO.

Eli: TOM. TOM,
THE VALET'S THAT WAY.

I'M NOT READY.
IF YOU WANT TO GO,
I'LL TAKE A CAB.

IT'S A NICE CLUB.

YOU THINK IF
I WERE HALF-JEWISH,

THEY'D LET ME
HALFWAY IN THE POOL?

I'M REALLY SORRY.

YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

WHO'S AMY?

SHE'S MY SISTER.

WHAT? I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU HAD A SISTER.

OK. I HAVE
A SISTER--AMY.

SHE LIVES UP NORTH
AT A SPECIAL NEEDS
FACILITY.

WAS SHE IN AN ACCIDENT?

NO. NO. F.A.S.--
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

FETAL ALCOHOL SYNDROME.
ANY OTHER QUESTIONS?

HEY, PAL, I'M ON
YOUR SIDE, REMEMBER?

I DON'T WANT ANYONE
ON MY SIDE, REMEMBER?

YOU THINK JUST
BECAUSE WE FUCKED,

THAT MAKES US "WE"?

I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS,
FOR YOU, SO JUST STOP.

YOU CALLED ME, REMEMBER,
SO MAKE UP YOUR
FUCKING MIND!

HOW MANY WAYS DO YOU
NEED TO BE TOLD TO
LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE?

YOU KNOW WHAT, ASSHOLE?

JUST ONE.

ALLS I KNOW--

ALL I KNOW

IS IF
I WASN'T LOADED
HALF THE TIME,

I PROBABLY WOULDN'T
BE IN THIS MESS.

DON'T YOU FEEL LIKE
THE OLDER YOU GET,

THE LESS YOU REALLY
KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING?

ABSOLUTELY.
I DON'T KNOW SHIT.

PEOPLE THINK JUST
BECAUSE I MANAGED
TO MAKE IT TO 60

WITHOUT GETTING
A COLOMBIAN NECKLACE

OR RUN OVER
BY A U.P.S. TRUCK

THAT I HAVE THE ANSWERS
TO LIFE'S QUESTIONS.

GREAT. GREAT.
SO THERE'S NO HOPE.

AH, DON'T DO THAT.

SEE, I'M NOT
THAT DEEPSHAK OPRAH

OR WHATEVER THE HELL
HE CALLS HIMSELF--

WHO TELLS YOU,
YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF,

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.
PISH.

ALLS I KNOW IS

YOU KEEP YOUR 2 EYES
ON YOUR OWN PAPER

AND BOTH HANDS
ON THE WHEEL.

AND A MULTIVITAMIN
CAN'T HURT.

SO I GUESS THE LESSON
IS THE SAME WITH BOOZE

AS IT IS WITH GUYS:
WANTING IT
AND HAVING IT--

TOTALLY NOT
THE SAME THING.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK--
BATHROOM.

HEY.

SOMETIMES I THINK
YOU CAN WANT IT

AND HAVE IT.

ISN'T THAT WHAT
HAPPENS NOW?

NOW?

OH, WHAT DO YOU MEAN--

ABOUT ELI BEING
AT THE WEDDING?

NO, THAT'S NOT
WHAT I MEANT.

OH, WAIT, WAIT--

NO, NO,
YOU WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU MADE ME WAIT
TOO LONG.

YOU THINK TOO MUCH,
BUDDY.

TOLD YOU--NEGATIVE.

Esther: GREAT.

SO I GUESS
THAT'S IT.

IT'S NICE
MEETING YOU.

OH, YOU'RE GOING TO BE
SEEING A LOT MORE OF ME.

YOU'LL SEE. YOU KNOW,
NOW THAT I'M OFF RELATIONSHIPS

AND JUST DOING
ONE-NIGHT STANDS.

YEAH. SURE.

TAKE A CONDOM.

USED TO PUT CANDY
IN THIS.

ANYWAY, I'M SORRY
I TALKED YOUR EAR OFF.

PLEASE. IT'S BETTER
THAN A FUCKING MOVIE,
SWEETHEART.

OH, DON'T YOU NEED
A PARKING VALIDATION?

OH, GOD, RIGHT.
THANK YOU.

THANKS.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

OH, WAIT A SECOND,
HON.

FEEDBACK CLINIC,
THIS IS ESTHER.

OH, HI, HONEY.

HOW YOU DOING?

WHAT?

NO, WHAT?
GO AHEAD, ASK ME.

WELL, I'M NOT
A MIND READER.

YOU EVER SEEN ME
ON THE FUCKING

PSYCHIC FRIENDS
NETWORK CHANNEL?

SO WHAT--ALL RIGHT--

WOULD YOU JUST
SHUT UP FOR A MINUTE?

OK, SO DON'T TELL ME.

TRUST ME, ESTHER,
ONE-NIGHT STANDS.

IT'S ALL BLACK-AND-WHITE
FOR YOU, ISN'T IT?

WHAT?

I HAVE BEEN MARRIED
TO THAT PUTZ

FOR 42 YEARS.

THE STRONGEST,
HEALTHIEST MAN

ALL HIS LIFE.

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN
HE GETS SICK--

LUNG CANCER.

HE NEVER SMOKED
A DAY IN HIS LIFE.

PRETTY FUCKING
IRONIC, ISN'T IT?

HE'S EVEN GOT SOMEONE
TAKING CARE OF HIM

IN THE AFTERNOON--
JUST LIKE A LITTLE BOY.

BUT HE'S DYING.

AND IF I STOP
HAWKING HIM

AND GIVING HIM SHIT,

AND CALLING HIM
AN ASSHOLE,

HE'LL KNOW
HE'S DYING.

SO I DON'T STOP.

PLUS, HE IS
AN ASSHOLE,

SO THAT'S A BONUS.

SO I'VE GOT MY
GRANDMOTHER'S RING.

THAT'S OLD AND BORROWED.

AND RACHEL GOT ME
THAT BLUE THONG.

OOH, HOOCHIE FLOSS.

YOU GOT SOMETHING ELSE
THAT'S NEW AND BLUE?

OH, ACTUALLY,
YEAH, I DO.

HOLY SHIT, TOM!
WHAT HAPPENED?

BAD DATE.

WHAT DID YOU DO,

PICK HIM UP
ON THE STREET?

WORSE. AA.

APPARENTLY, HE USES SEX
TO WORK THROUGH ANGER,

WHICH IS FINE WHEN YOU'RE
NOT QUITE THAT ANGRY.

WHAT AM I GOING
TO DO WITH YOU?

I SMELL A LECTURE.

FUCK YOU, TOM.

OK, YOU BLOW OFF
A GREAT GUY--

WHO BY THE WAY
DOESN'T HIT--

BECAUSE HE MADE
THE TRAGIC MISTAKE
OF FALLING FOR YOU.

AND INSTEAD
YOU'RE DOING
IKE AND TINA TURNER

WITH SOME ASSHOLE
FROM AA.

WELL, YOU KNOW,
AT LEAST HE'S NOT
AT WILLIAMS-SONOMA

REGISTERING FOR
A COMMITMENT CEREMONY.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE RIGHT.
ELI IS SUCH A LOSER.

I'M GOING HOME.

HOLY SHIT.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

WHAT? NOTHING.

BULLSHIT. WHY AREN'T
YOU GETTING DRESSED?

I'M NERVOUS ABOUT
SEEING TOM AT THE WEDDING.

THAT'S ALL.

SEE, ONLY YOU COULD
TURN MY WEDDING DAY

INTO THE ELI WYCKOFF SHOW.
YOU KNOW THAT?

I'M SORRY, OK?
BELIEVE ME,

NOBODY CAN HATE ME
AS MUCH AS I DO.

OH, MY GOD. YOU KNOW,

YOU HAVE TO CHANGE
THE FUCKING RECORD, MAN.

YOU HAVE TO STOP!

YOU CANNOT MAKE THIS BE
THE BE-ALL, END-ALL
OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE!

I'M NOT.

YEAH, THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

LOVE, RIGHT?
IT'S GOING TO COME UP,
AND IT'S JUST GOING TO

WHACK YOU ON THE BACK
OF THE HEAD BEFORE YOU
EVEN KNOW WHAT HIT YOU.

I DON'T BELIEVE THAT.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED
TO ME AND JACKIE.

YOU AND JACKIE WERE LUCKY.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SO--
YOU'RE UNBELIEVABLE.

I WAS MISERABLE
BEFORE I MET HER,

AND IT JUST HAPPENS,
YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, YOU'RE
A FUCKING AMAZING GUY.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO
DO THIS. DON'T DO--

PLEASE SHUT UP.
YOU'RE A GREAT GUY,
YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, IF I WERE INTO GUYS,

WE'D BE IN CHINA RIGHT NOW
PICKING OUT A BABY.

THANK GOD I'M NOT, BUT--

I'M KIDDING.
YOU KNOW I LOVE THE GAYS.

AND WE APPRECIATE IT.

GUYS.

UH, MITCH.

I DON'T KNOW
IF IT'S JUST ME,

BUT I'M LOVING THIS TUX.

YOU LIKE THE TUX?

Mitch: LOVING IT.

MITCH, REMEMBER
HOW WE DISCUSSED
THE RITALIN SITUATION?

JUST PLEASE PUT ON
YOUR PANTS.

OR GET A TAN.

GET DOUBLES.
I WANT ALL OF THESE.

OH, YEAH.
WHEN MY SISTER
GOT MARRIED,

THE BEST PICTURES WERE,
LIKE, FROM THE INSTAMATICS.

YOUR SISTER
GOT MARRIED?

YES.

JESUS. FUCK.
WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?

I'M LIKE MAN POISON--

FUCKING PENIS RAID.

WHATEVER.

OK, GIRLS...

HOW DO I LOOK?

OH, MY GOD.

YOU LOOK LIKE
A MOVIE STAR.

REALLY?
YES.

SERIOUSLY.

OH, CHRIST.
IN A MILLION YEARS,

I NEVER THOUGHT
I'D BE WEARING
WHITE THIS SOON.

YEAH, WELL,
YOU SHOULDN'T BE,
UNLESS YOU WANT ME

TO CALL THE POPE
AND TELL HIM
IT HAPPENED AGAIN.

HEY, I WOULD HAVE
WORN THE CREAM ONE,

EXCEPT FOR IT MADE ME
LOOK LIKE A JENNY CRAIG
"BEFORE" PICTURE.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

WHERE'S TOM?

HE'S OUT ON THE PATIO.

I MEAN, HE IS A MAN,
AFTER ALL.
WHAT?

REPELLENT, REMEMBER?
GAY OR STRAIGHT--
DOESN'T MATTER.

HEY, PUT THAT OUT.

YOU'RE KILLING
MY UNBORN CHILD.

I WAS AIMING
A LITTLE HIGHER.

OH, NICE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
OUT HERE?

[SIGHS]

OH, MY GOD!
ELI WAS STALKING YOU?

THAT IS SO ROMANTIC.

WELL, NOT TO ME.

OH. OH, THAT'S RIGHT,
THAT'S RIGHT,

BUT IF HE TRIED
TO KILL YOU,

THEN YOU'D BE PICKING
OUT CHINA PATTERNS.

HEY, YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH. YEAH.

JUST...YOU'RE
GETTING MARRIED.

I'M HAVING
ABANDONMENT ISSUES.

I'M JUST EXTENDING
THE FAMILY, BABE.

Woman: JACKIE,
LET'S GO!

WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE!

OH...

TOM, I OWE YOU
AN APOLOGY.

FOR WHAT?

THE WAY I'VE BEEN
PRESSURING YOU
ABOUT ELI.

I REALIZE I'VE
JUST BEEN TRYING

TO MAKE YOU
LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE,
AND YOU'RE NOT...

AND THAT'S
ONE OF THE THINGS
I LOVE ABOUT YOU.

YOU'RE THE ONLY GUY
I KNOW WHO WILL
PROBABLY NEVER FIND

THAT ONE PERSON
TO SETTLE DOWN WITH,
AND STILL BE VERY HAPPY.

I ENVY THAT.

Woman: JACKIE, GET
YOUR ASS IN HERE,

OR I'M WEARING
THE VEIL.

[LAUGHING]

WE'RE COMING!

BUT LOOK AT ME. SHIT!

I'M, LIKE,
ONE STEP AWAY FROM
DEN MOTHER, P.T.A.,

AND, "HI, HONEY,
I'M HOME!"

HOW THE FUCK
DID THAT HAPPEN?

I GUESS YOU FELL IN LOVE.

WHAT? OH, NO, NO, NO.
I JUST GOT LIPSTICK

ALL OVER EVERY SINGLE
ONE OF MY TEETH.

HOW DID I DO THAT? HMM.

ALL RIGHT.
WELL, IT'S SHOW TIME.

Rabbi: YOU MAY
EXCHANGE THE RINGS.

WOW.
IT'S A NICE ONE.

Rabbi: CONGRATULATIONS!

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU
MAN AND WIFE.

YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.

[BREAKS GLASS]

Woman: MAZEL TOV!

[GUESTS APPLAUDING
AND CHEERING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

ELI.

ELI.

YEAH?

HOW--HOW LONG ARE
WE GOING TO HAVE

TO KEEP IGNORING
EACH OTHER?

WHAT?

I'M NOT IGNORING YOU.

ARE YOU IGNORING ME?

COME ON, ELI.
YOU HAVEN'T RETURNED
ONE OF MY PHONE CALLS,

AND YOU'VE SAID
MAYBE 3 WORDS TO ME
THE ENTIRE DAY,

TWO OF WHICH WERE
"SEAFOOD NEWBURG."

WHICH I HAVE TO SAY
WAS REPULSIVE.

[LAUGHS]

CAN I GET SOME MORE
CHAMPAGNE? CHAMPAGNE?

UM, NO.
CAN I GET A...

OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M SORRY.

ABSOLUT MARTINI,
STRAIGHT UP, TWO OLIVES.
MAKE IT DIRTY.

NO, NO. ACTUALLY,
SELTZER WITH LIME,
PLEASE.

WHAT? SO NOW YOU'RE...
NOT DRINKING?

WOW. GOOD FOR YOU.

THANKS.

I SORT OF HAD TO.

I WAS SLIPPING
IN THE POLLS.

YEAH, WELL...

I, ON THE OTHER HAND,
NEED SOME MORE CHAMPAGNE.

LOOK, ELI,
I'M SORRY I DIDN'T--

YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET'S NOT DO ANY OF THAT...

"I'M SORRY
IT DIDN'T WORK OUT"
POSTMORTEM STUFF, OK?

OK.

Eli: BESIDES,
IT WILL FREE UP SOME TIME
TO MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE...

LIKE MITCH, MAN OF MYSTERY,
TEACHING THE RABBI
THE MACARENA.

WHAT IS THIS, 1987?

DID YOU SEE BRETT'S MOM?

I'VE NEVER SEEN A WOMAN
WITH MORE HAIR
ON HER BACK.

I KNOW. I KEEP WAITING
FOR THE ANTIFUR ACTIVISTS

TO STORM IN HERE
AND THROW PAINT ON HER.

Tom: POOR BRETT
AND JACKIE.

THEY HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT THEY'VE GOTTEN
THEMSELVES INTO,

BUT THEY WILL--
MARK MY WORDS.

SEE, FIRST,
THEY'LL ONLY HANG OUT
WITH OTHER COUPLES,

AND THEN THEY'LL START
DOING THE "WE" THING.

"OH, WE LOVE THIS,
AND WE HATE THAT."

AND ORDERING
FOR EACH OTHER,

BECAUSE "THAT'S WHAT
WE ALWAYS HAVE."

BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,
SHE'LL BE SHOPPING

FOR LINGERIE
AT BLOOMINGDALE'S,

AND BRETT,
THE POOR LOSER,

WILL BE OUTSIDE
THE DRESSING ROOM

WITH HER POCKETBOOK
IN HIS LAP.

OH, MY GOD.

YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT,
YOU KNOW THAT?

YOU GOT THIS BULLSHIT
"I DON'T NEED ANYONE" THING,

AND YOU USE THAT,
THINKING IT'S GOING
TO SHIELD YOU

FROM THE FACT THAT
YOUR PARENTS WERE DRUNKS,
HAD A LOUSY MARRIAGE,

AND FUCKED UP EVERYONE
IN THEIR LIVES.

BUT IT'S YOUR LIFE NOW,
NOT THEIRS.

AND WHAT DO YOU HAVE
TO SHOW FOR IT?

YOU'RE JUST
ANOTHER SELF-HATING
RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC

WITH NOTHING TO LIVE FOR
BUT A MARTINI AND A BLOW JOB.

Tom: ELI. ELI!

HEY!

[POTS AND PANS CLATTER]

DON'T YOU DARE SUM ME UP!

YOU DON'T KNOW
THE FIRST THING ABOUT ME.

AND THAT WOULD BE
WHOSE FAULT?
OH, GOD.

GOD. YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S SO EASY
FOR YOU, MR. LOVE IS
A MANY-SPLENDORED THING.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'VE SEEN IT. I'VE SEEN IT.

MY PARENTS LOVED ONE ANOTHER
"TILL DEATH DO US PART,"

AND BELIEVE ME,
IT PRACTICALLY CAME TO THAT.

I MEAN, HAVE YOU...
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD

THE SOUND OF TWO PEOPLE
SUFFOCATING ONE ANOTHER?

HAVE YOU?

OR THE SOUND OF ICE CUBES
SMASHING AGAINST THE WALL,

OR A POT ROAST BEING
SHOVED DOWN THE DISPOSAL?

NO. HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY,
WITH YOUR TOUCHY-FEELY,

"I'M OK, YOU'RE OK" PARENTS?

I'M SORRY I'M BURSTING
YOUR LITTLE BUBBLE,

BUT THERE ARE
A MILLION GUYS OUT THERE

WHO CAN GIVE YOU
WHAT YOU WANT.

I'M JUST NOT ONE OF THEM.

I'M SORRY.

YOU DO THE MATH.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

FUCK YOU
IF THAT'S THE WRONG USE
OF THAT EXPRESSION.

* IF I COULD
BRING YOU BACK *

* THAT'D BE
THE SWEETEST THING *

* IF I COULD BRING YOU BACK

* I WOULD DO ANYTHING

* IF I COULD
BRING YOU BACK *

* TO ME

I JUST WANTED TO SAY
BEFORE I GO...

I'M SORRY.

I DON'T WANT YOU
TO LEAVE HERE TODAY

THINKING THAT
YOU CAN'T DO THIS--

BEING A...

BECAUSE YOU CAN.

TOM, YOU ARE GOING
TO MEET SOMEONE...

AND YOU ARE GOING
TO BE SO GREAT AT THIS.

AND IT'S NOT GOING TO BE
LIKE YOUR PARENTS,

AND...AND IT'S NOT GOING
TO BE LIKE IT WAS WITH ME.

ANYWAY, UM...

I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.

ELI.

WHAT?

WHAT EXACTLY
DO YOU WANT?

WHAT--WHAT DO I?

YEAH.

YEAH, YOU.

I WANTED...THIS TO STOP
BEING SO FUCKING HARD.

I WANT TO MEET YOUR SISTER.

I WANT TO BE OVER
THIS PART, YOU KNOW,

SO THAT I CAN
CALL YOU AN ASSHOLE,

EVEN WHEN
YOU'RE SICK, AND...

YOU'D STILL KNOW
HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU.

ELI...

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU CALL THAT, TOM--

POCKETBOOK-HOLDING,
SUFFOCATING, MAYBE...

BUT IF I COULD
EVER HAVE ANYTHING
EVEN CLOSE TO THAT--

ELI.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

SO I'M GONNA GO, OK?

VALET'S GOT MY CAR.

GOT TO...

HEY! THERE YOU ARE.
OH, ELI! HEY.

HEY.

UH, SHOULD I...
OR IS...

IS EVERYTHING OK?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH. WHAT'S UP
WITH THE BRAID?

OH, UH, BRETT DID IT.
IT'S A LONG STORY.

OK, I NEED TO TAKE
A PERSONAL MOMENT.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
YOU'RE NOT HAVING FUN?

OH, I WAS TILL
ABOUT 5 MINUTES AGO.

WHAT HAPPENED?

I PUT MY LEFT FOOT IN,
I PUT MY LEFT FOOT OUT,

I PUT MY LEFT FOOT IN,
AND THEN I THREW UP.

[LAUGHING]

THE BABY?

UH, NO. BRETT'S COUSIN AL
BUMPED HIS POKEY
INTO MY HOKEY,

AND I BORCHED, ALL RIGHT?

I THINK BRETT IS
THE ONLY NORMAL PERSON
IN THAT FAMILY.

YEAH.

OK, CAN WE TALK ABOUT
HIS BROTHER MITCH?

HELLO? FREAKY McFREAK!

I KNOW. THE GUY
WANTS TO GET INTO
CIRQUE DU SOLEIL.

I SWEAR TO YOU,
HE SAYS HE CAN
SWALLOW HIS OWN LEG.

WELL...YO, WHAT'S UP?

HOW ARE YOU DOIN'?

WHAT AM I MISSING?

OH, JUST A FAMILY
RESEMBLANCE,
AND I LOVE YOU FOR IT.

OK. I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.

UH, I'M REALLY SMASHED.
I THINK I JUST MADE OUT
WITH THE RABBI.

IS THAT...?

HE I HOT.

IS THERE
GONNA BE DANCING?

ARE WE GONNA DANCE?

'CAUSE I PROMISED
THE FAMILY

SOME HOT MAN-ON-MAN
ACTION TONIGHT.

YOU AND ME?

NO.

I THINK
HE MEANS ME.

COME ON, GUYS.
LET'S GO.

IT'S GONNA BE FUN.
COME ON, SWEETHEART.

OH, LOOK AT THAT ASS!

A LITTLE SOMETHING
LIKE THAT,

OR IF YOU WANT,
WE COULD DO EIGHTIES STYLE.

NO? COME ON.
STUFF LIKE THAT,

AND THEN MAYBE
A LITTLE UNH!

YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SAYING?

Eli: OW. OW.

Tom: YOU'RE STEPPING
ON MY FOOT.

Brett: HOW HOT
DOES THIS BROAD
LOOK TONIGHT?

Tom, voice-over:
SO I MEANT TO TELL YOU,

I FINALLY SAW
GONE WITH THE WIND.

Eli, voice-over: AND?

AND...AND I LOVED IT.

OH, THANK GOD.

SEE, I THINK SCARLETT
REALIZES IN THE END

THAT IT WAS JUST FEAR
HOLDING HER BACK

FROM THE GUY
THAT SHE WANTED TO...

YOU KNOW,
HOLD HER POCKETBOOK.

YEAH.

AND THE THING
ABOUT RHETT BUTLER...

YEAH?

HE WASN'T
VERY FUZZY...WAS HE?

* I'M GONNA MAKE YOU
LOVE ME *

* I'M GONNA DRY YOUR TEARS

* AND WE'RE
GONNA STAY TOGETHER *

* FOR A MILLION YEARS

* IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO

* JUST TO MAKE YOU MY BABY

* NO WORDS COULD DESCRIBE

* OH, PINCH ME, I'M DREAMIN'

* YOUR HAIR'S LONG AND BLACK

* AS IT LAYS 'CROSS MY PILLOW

* WHEN I STARE IN YOUR EYES

* I GET LOST IN YOUR GLORY

* I'LL NEVER LEAVE

* OH, YOU WANT ME TO

* BUT THAT'S ALL RIGHT

* I'M GONNA MAKE YOU LOVE ME

* I'M GONNA
DRY YOUR TEARS *

* DRY ALL THE TEARS

* AND WE'RE
GONNA STAY TOGETHER *

* FOR A MILLION

* I'M GONNA MAKE YOU LOVE ME

* I'M GONNA
DRY YOUR TEARS *

* DRY ALL THE TEARS

* AND WE'RE
GONNA STAY TOGETHER *

* FOR A MILLION YEARS

[SONG ENDS]

[NEW SONG BEGINS]

* IF THE SILENCE
DOESN'T KILL YOU *

* THEN ILLUSION WILL

* AND YOU'RE STARIN'
AT THE SKY *

* BUT THE MOON AIN'T
GONNA PAY OUR BILLS *

* AND WE'RE LAUGHIN'
'BOUT IT LOUD *

* WHEN, OH, YOU KNOW
IT AIN'T NO JOKE *

* YOU SEEM THEM
CAKE THE ROADS WITH GLITTER *

* TRADE YOUR DREAMS FOR SMOKE

* TEARDROPS IN THE TREETOPS

* THE WIND IS WHISTLIN'
THROUGH THE MOUNTAIN'S TEETH *

* A SONG FOR
EVERY WOUNDED DOVE *

* BUT WE'RE OUT FURTHER

* THAN THE RAINBOW'S EDGE

* GOING DOWN,
DOWN TO THE ROOTS *

* OF LOVE

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
TRIMARK PICTURES

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
--www.ncicap.org--