Original subtitles

[tv static drones]

[bright tone]

[birds singing]

- Oh, you thought a pandemic was gonna stop me?

Start up that Spike Lee dolly shot

'cause I've been silent for too long.

[Run-DMC's "Down With The King"]

That's right, it's me,

Dr. Haddassah Olayinka Ali-Youngman.

Google me, then throw your smartphone in the trash.

It's making you stupid.

See, see, see,

5G was created to infiltrate our brains

with the Devil's propaganda-- TikTok.

Ticktock, you're wasting your fertile years on the 'Gram.

The only five Gs I recognize is "Da 5 Bloods."

Five triumphant Black men

going back to steal the oppressor's gold from Asia.

Meanwhile, in this country,

the only way five Black men can gather

is if they're playing basketball.

I reject Verzuz.

Why would I ever celebrate our Black icons

battling each other?

News flash-- it's us versus them.

You know who "them" is.

And why so many Zs in Verzuz?

They're trying to put us to sleep!

If you cut a dollar bill in half,

you know what you'll find on the inside?

A blond hair.

Now, they didn't put Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill

because they don't want our dollars to be free.

Think about it. Tubman breaks down to tub man.

They don't wash their legs.

Stevie Wonder's not blind.

He was just sick of looking at white people.

White people wouldn't know a racial reckoning

if it pulled up in a Volvo with a kayak on the roof.

See, see, see, the real racial reckoning

will be when Black people are reinstated

to our true place in society--

"106 & Park."

I'm not worried about coronavirus.

See, see, see, see, see, see, see,

white people are the pandemic

for which we'll never have a vaccine.

But y'all don't hear me.

Maybe I have to rap it to you

to get you to understand the true learning.

♪ Construct is a race ♪

♪ Not the other way and back again ♪

♪ You stupid with a saggy face ♪

♪ 'Cause you ain't got no collagen ♪

Bars.

Now enough with this dolly. It's making me dizzy.

Where is this thing airing--HBO?

What's that stand for, he bought and oppressed us?

[scoffs] Terrible name for a network.

- ♪ Here's a little story 'bout a raw-ass bitch ♪

♪ That'll take yo' man like she take that dick ♪

♪ She got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one ♪

♪ She like strapped street niggas ♪

♪ Who gon' run them funds ♪

♪ I got a gang of bitches who gon' see 'bout me ♪

♪ Quick to run up in your shit, ho, one, two, three ♪

♪ Selling out 'bout me, I still remain untouched ♪

♪ I just walk through them hos and drop my nuts ♪

♪ Your baby daddy fell in love, I just wanted to fuck ♪

♪ I just wanted the cash, all he wanted was us ♪

♪ Take a blunt to the face while he rubbing my butt ♪

♪ Countin' money in my panties ♪

♪ That shit give me rush ♪

♪ And be like ♪

♪ Go, girl, wit' yo' fine ass ♪

♪ Get a bag, make 'em mad ♪

♪ Bitch, you bad with your fine ass ♪

♪ Go, girl, with your fine ass ♪

♪ Make a mess, leave 'em pressed ♪

♪ You the best wit' yo fine ass ♪

♪ Go, girl, with your fine ass ♪

♪ Get a bag, make 'em mad ♪

♪ Bitch, you bad with your fine azz ♪

[cork thuds, music stops]

♪ Fly with it, vibe with it ♪

♪ Talk to your homegirl, high-five with me ♪

♪ Let me see you do it ♪

[overlapping angry crosstalk]

- Ladies, enough!

It is far too early for us to be losing our minds.

We have to look out for each other.

We have to have each other's backs.

We're all we got. It's just us.

[doorbell rings] Oh.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

- Before Kevin cut the phone! - It's just a phone!

- Fuck you!

- When you sent us a Facebook invite

to the end of the world,

I did not think that you would be right.

- Bottoms up, hos. all: Cheers!

- Ginuwine was... all: On the gurney!

- Yes! - Yaas!

- [grunts] - Clear!

- Y'all dildo-to-alcohol ratio is all off.

- You all have me to thank. - [laughs]

- What is wrong with you people?

I am the only one who had a plan!

I am the--

- Is she dead? - Robin? Please get up.

[doorbell rings]

- You had me muted on twerk.

- Robin, wake up.

[school bell rings]

[school bell rings]

[school bell ringing]

- Wake up, girl. How you gonna pass out?

Laci, do you know CPR?

- No, but I know P90X.

- That is not helpful.

- Okay, Robin. Get up.

It's time to toast.

We just survived the end of the world!

- I know. Thanks to my fortified house.

But that was yesterday.

- No, thanks to Skye's fortified warehouse.

- Today. Just now.

- What?

The fuck?

[bassy dramatic music]

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

- I thought I'd be driving a nice car,

you know what I'm saying?

Married to my fantasy man

and live in a mansion with a bathtub big enough

that my knees and my titties can be underwater

at the same time.

Instead, I ended up smelling like hot grease

married to a man whose beard doesn't connect

and having nine very ugly children.

- [Caribbean accent] Well, nine for now.

- I rebuke that.

Why has my life turned out so wack, Psychic Zabrina?

[dramatic music] - Ah...

[ethereal shimmering] Hmm...

do you remember playing a game of MASH

March 26, 1996 with LaDonna Deladio?

- MASH? No, what are you--

- You and LaDonna sealed your future

the day you used the gel pen to circle your fates.

♪ ♪

- [gasps] - See?

S is for the living in shack with nine kids.

- Oh, that's me. - And driving a...

[American accent] Ford Pinto?

- Mm-hmm. - Girl, pick a struggle.

- Yeah-- - [Caribbean accent] Wait.

- Oh, what? - Oh...

this is troubling.

- What--what--what--what is it?

- It seems that LaDonna

tragically miscounted.

- That girl was always trash at math.

You know she tried to tell me

that trigonometry was just slang for three niggas?

- You must find her and replay the game,

for she is the only reason

you are not pushing a Lambo.

- I knew I was meant to be opening my doors like this,

not like this.

[grunts]

Aah!

[engine backfires]

[dramatic music]

LaDonna, LaDonna! [car door opens]

Hey, it's me! Salina Duplass, your bestie from middle school!

Remember?

- Oh, my Jesus.

- Oh, so good to see you! I bow to you! [laughs]

L-Drizzle! You look good, girl!

You look good like you own two couches.

- Look, I don't have any drugs, babe.

- Drugs? Why would you--

Oh, 'cause of the-- 'cause I smell.

That's mustard.

Yeah, well, look, the funny thing is--it's a funny story,

'cause I went to a psychic a couple days ago,

and she told me the reason why my life is like "Baby Boy 2"

is because of this MASH game we played years ago.

- MASH? Mm. - That's crazy, right?

That's crazy. - Yeah.

- So I just got in my car and bought some adult diapers

and came to find you, and here I am.

- Yeah. - Yeah!

- You are here in an adult diaper, wow!

- Yeah!

- Um, a MASH game, yeah? - Yeah.

- Yeah, I have no idea what you're talking about.

- Oh, okay. That's cool.

We can just replay it real quick.

You don't have to remember. We can just play.

You can just--

- Put that Trapper Keeper shit away, Salina.

Of course I remember you and the game.

- Oh, zero to 100 real quick. - You know what?

You got a lot of nerve coming up in here demanding a replay.

What you get is what you gots.

Them's the rules.

- I got what I got 'cause your ass can't count.

- What the fuck you mean I can't count?

- I mean, how many fingers and I holding up?

- Uh...

five.

- You gonna play this MASH.

- No, no! There's no do-overs in MASH!

- Uh-uh, LaDonna! You gonna give me my LaDo-over!

- No, please! No, please! Don't touch me!

Oh, my God, you're so greasy!

- Hey, hey, hey, what's going on over there?

Jason, Lyric, y'all stay in the house.

Daddy'll be right back.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[dreamy music]

♪ ♪

[gasps]

♪ ♪

- Is everything okay, baby?

both: Yes.

- Oh, my God, you married Omarion?

You know he was my top choice.

Wait a minute. Omarion, two kids, mansion.

Don't tell me you a-- both: Video vixen.

- God damn it! - Yeah.

- [sobs] Those are all my good choices!

You stole my life!

You were supposed to be with me, Omarion!

[electrical crackling]

both: Damn.

- [chuckles]

You didn't think that you would be able to touch me, did you?

- [groaning]

- I know all about your little MASH game,

Salina Duplass from sixth grade.

And I'm thrilled to be in this paid-off house

with this perfectly symmetrical woman

and our Rhodes Scholar children.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

me and my queen have a Lambo to get into.

- A Lambo.

- Baby, remember the doors open like---

[imitates zooming]

- [sobs]

All I wanted to do was touch.

[crying] Oh, God!

Oh, oh, God!

Oh, my hat. And my Trapper.

[crying and screaming]

[quirky dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- What?

The fuck? - I know, right?

Everybody's probably dead now.

- No, not that. I've done this before.

You were there. And you were there.

And you were not.

And...no, you were not.

- Robin, not that I don't appreciate

the Judy Garland moment you're having,

but do you think you hit your head when you passed out?

- Well, of course she passed out.

It was an apocalypse.

- Uh, okay. So how did we all get here?

- Aw. You really do have amnesia.

This is cute. - Guys.

Let's reset her memory.

Robin, your name is Viola Davis.

You're the star of a legal drama.

And-- - Laci, no.

Robin, we all answered Skye's Facebook invite

to come to the end-of-the-world party,

met her here about 15 minutes ago,

then there was a loud boom,

and now we're the last people left on Earth.

- And then we toasted.

[bottles clink] [chuckles]

- Okay.

All right, that sounds familiar, I guess.

- Yay, her memory is back.

- Ah! But just to be sure...

follow my finger. [chuckling]

- Skye, it has been a minute.

I haven't seen you since you installed

my summer locs in January.

- You do like to stay ahead of the curve.

- Oh, and I haven't seen you

since my hair appointment in February

when you got scissor-happy.

- Ooh. - In my defense,

you had split ends and beginnings.

[laughter] - You right.

- Let me ask you this, Skye.

Exactly how did you find this place?

- Oh, yeah.

So you know when I'm not doing hair, I'm a courier, right?

- I thought you were a chef.

- I thought you taught rich people's kids how to krump.

- Mm-hmm. So I had courie-ay a package here last week.

- Ooh, that's not a word.

- And I realized that there was nobody working here.

So, when I heard the apocalypse was gonna pop off,

I knew this place would be dope.

So of course I had to hit my girls up

and see if you wanted to come through and live!

- Yes. You know I like being alive.

- I know you do! [laughter]

[light music playing]

♪ ♪

- All right, listen up!

Everybody on the ground now!

I said now! You think I'm playing with y'all?

Because I ain't!

Do you know how many times

I had to call up here to get somebody on the phone?

16!

I didn't call Steve Harvey that many times,

and I really needed an answer to my Strawberry Letter.

- Just take the money and let us go, please!

- Money? This isn't about money.

This is about customer service!

Somebody is gonna listen to me today!

[relaxing music playing]

[door opens] [clamoring and screaming]

- Everybody on the--

[relaxing music playing]

Oh, y'all already on the ground.

[chuckles] Amen.

Well, stay on the ground then. [clamoring and screaming]

- Don't shoot me.

You can have all the cash. That's not even why I'm here.

- You're preaching to the choir, saint.

[inhales deeply]

[chuckling] Mm-hmm.

Ms. Harlot, I'm gonna ask you this one time...

[suspenseful music]

To what capacity do you trust the security

of online banking services?

Completely, somewhat, dubious, or not at all?

- Um...dubious?

- [gasps] Thank you.

I am sick and tired of being ignored.

- [chuckles] I hear that. - Yeah.

Don't nobody ever want to take these dang surveys.

And I desperately need a diverse,

as in Black, group of people to participate

so that I can reach my weekly quota.

- Handle your shit. I'll hold.

Since that's what I'm used to, anyway.

[mechanical whirring]

- [sniffs, slurps] Mmm!

[door opens, clamoring and screaming]

- Everybody freeze!

- Oh, shit. - Oh, Lord.

- Oh, wait, you can't

because the Earth is officially warming at a rapid pace.

- Just take the money and get. We have bigger fish to fry.

- The fish are frying.

Alaskan salmon can't even lay their eggs

because the rivers are too hot!

- But the tilapias are fine, though, right?

- Look, lady,

those plastic titties won't work as a flotation device

when Miami just slides off into the ocean!

And is this plexiglass biodegradable?

What part of minimizing our carbon footprint

don't you people understand?

I can't be the only one

who flips my panties three times before I wash them.

- Oh, Jesus. Be an antibacterial wipe.

- No money!

We just want to be heard.

- Come on, sis! You should understand!

- Do you hear us, lady? We're talking to you!

- Listen up!

[all tapping plexiglass]

- Oh.

[click]

- Made me pop my ear on.

Fine. What?

- See, this is why I hate customer service.

She ain't even have her ear on?

How was I supposed to get my questions answered

when you don't even have your ear on?

Man, this is so unprofessional.

Like, that's not a lot to ask, lady!

- Didn't hear not a single one of my questions.

- I hate this shit.

- I just want to be sure, the tilapias are fine, right?

- Okay, baby. You ready? - Huh?

You know I can't hear you when my eyes are covered.

- Happy anniversary.

I know you come here all the time with your girls,

so you must love it.

It's a steak house, and you vegan.

- Yeah, I like their truffle fries.

- Well, you do fucks with a truffle fry.

- Hey, Taryn. - Tron!

Hey, uh,

my husband brought me to this fine-dining establishment,

uh, for our anniversary.

- That's right. And you said Tron, is it? Tron?

Like the movie? Pleasure to meet you, brother.

Let me tell you, the way my wife's eyes twinkle

when she comes home on Fridays and Saturdays,

my man, your customer service must be rock solid.

- Nice to meet you, too.

All right, I'ma go grab y'all some men...

- Hey. - [chuckling] ...us.

Grab y'all some menus.

[chuckling] All right, be right back.

[sultry music]

- Did I just see his butt?

- I'm sorry? - Did I just see Tron's butt?

- Uh, did you? I don't know. Uh...

- Feel like I saw his ass just now.

- Oh, you know athleisure? - Mm-hmm.

- Now they got ass-leisure. - Oh.

- You should look it up. - Yeah, I will.

Baby, this is nice. This is nice.

They got a little stage over there.

- Yeah. - All these mirrors?

You know, I've never seen

so many full-length mirrors in a restaurant before.

It's kind of kinky,

like those hotels with the mirrors over the bed.

- Well, I mean, we could just get this food and take it home.

I know you like to eat with your pants unbuttoned, anyway.

- I unbuttoned 'em as soon as we sat down.

I'm not letting anything get in the way of our special night.

- Aww. [both chuckling]

Look at that.

- And they got extra support beams?

Any place that keeps my wife this safe--

all right by me. - [chuckles]

- Taryn, girl! Guess what!

both: Chocolate cakes is back!

[both laugh]

- [chuckling] Yeah.

- They got chocolate cake?

Now, that's what I'm talking about.

Do they have that molten lava, though?

- Uh, hey, Todd. You know what?

I actually think you probably wouldn't like it

'cause-- - They got nuts.

- Mm-hmm.

- Got to go!

- Bye! - Bye!

- [softly] Get out. Get the fuck out.

- Babe, you've been tense since we got here.

What's wrong?

- Uh, what are you talking about? Nothing's wrong.

- You all right? - I'm not tense. Ow.

- Relax.

I've known you since you were 35.

Talk to me. - Okay, okay.

So I have been keeping a secret.

I come here so much

because this place-- it's not a steak house.

It's a strip club! [sobs]

Well, it also serves steak.

But it's a strip club!

I'm sorry.

[air horn blaring]

[women cheering]

[Ginuwine's "So Anxious"]

♪ ♪

Todd? What are you doing?

- Happy anniversary, baby.

- Happy a--what?

- ♪ Wishing you'd come over ♪

- Oh, yeah.

♪ ♪

Whoo!

- Oh!

- ♪ Girl, I hope you hurry 'cause ♪

[squealing]

No, no, no. That's my husband!

- ♪ Love the way you're talking dirty ♪

♪ Said I'm so anxious ♪

♪ Girl, could you quit this stallin'? ♪

♪ You know I'm a sexaholic ♪

♪ Said I'm so anxious ♪ [cheering]

- Mm.

You catch all that?

What you think, baby?

- [chuckling]

I didn't love it.

- But I thought you like when half-naked men

gyrate in your face.

- Hey, Taryn.

- Not now, Chocolate Cakes!

[groans]

Listen...

it's just that it's different when you do it.

You kinda--[sighs] You ruin the fantasy.

- Really?

- [sighs] After that,

I don't know if I ever want to come back here again.

- Mission accomplished!

- What the fuck? - Good job, fellas.

All right. Hey. Get y'all ass out of here.

That's firm, that's firm.

Hey, Tron! Where them menus at, man?

- ♪ So anxious ♪

- Aww.

You know, if Rodney hadn't been sleeping with both of you

at the same time, you two never would have become friends.

- And we would have never met the Serena of hairstylists.

- I guess Rodney did one thing right.

- Oh, he did a couple things right.

- Okay, her memory is back for real.

- A dick will spark a memory.

- Ooh, I remember dick. It's been so long.

Like what, 15 minutes? - I know.

- Too long. - 45 for me.

["People's Court" theme]

- That was a good filter. [chuckles]

- Good morning. - [chuckling]

♪ ♪

- Good morning!

I'm Nadia. - I'm Shantira, the bailiff.

- I know who you are. - [chuckles]

- Is that the picture?

I thought that that was, like, a Black Twitter rumor.

You know, like COVID-19.

Do you think it'll ever happen again?

- Ooh.

I keep hoping, but you know what they say.

Good things only happen to Black women once.

- I'm actually inclined to agree with your client,

but I'm not interested in cutting corners.

I was voted most professional in my graduating class.

Oh, snap!

Negresses!

Deuces. [chuckling]

♪ ♪

[door opens, music stops]

[gasps] Oh.

[door closes]

- Won't he do it?

- He just did.

- One, two, three, four.

Dare I say it?

I think we have ourselves a...

♪ Black lady-- ♪ Oh, no.

- Good morning, ladies! - [groans softly]

- What am I, a pregnancy test?

Y'all looking at me real negative.

- [groans] No, you're good.

- All right. Well, uh, let's get started.

Just as a reminder, we are all here

to select a jury for Civil Case 5669-B,

which starts tomorrow.

Bailiff Shantira, can you bring the pool in?

- Forgive me, Your Honor? - Why?

Do you run the Wi-Fi for Verzuz?

- [chuckles]

I'm a little confused, Your Honor.

See, I'm a good-looking Black man, successful attorney,

got my Euro-cut suit on,

and I know I got you seasick with these waves.

Ah, ah, ah. Ahoy, matey.

- [chuckles sarcastically] So?

I got waves, too.

- What does any of that have to do with the case, Counselor?

- Nothing. I'm single.

- I'm good.

- [gasps] - Holy Dora Milaje.

♪ ♪

- It's a--a--

it's a Black lady jury, Your Honor.

- Oh, it's happening.

Oh, it's happening. Oh, it's happening.

- Hey! Y'all better pose.

- Yes! - Come on, melanin.

- Oh, ooh! - Yes!

- It's a video, it's a video.

- [chuckling] Okay, "America's Next Top Jury."

- Yes, sis, sis, sis, sis, sis, sis, sis, sis, sis. Yes!

- Come on, Fro. Dance or something. Yes!

Fine-ass jury.

- You can't film in a courtroom.

- Really, guy? [gavel bangs]

- Order in the court.

Let's begin jury selection.

Plaintiff's counsel, we will start with you.

- Thank you, Judge Harper.

Ladies of the jury, have any of you worked for

or do you have family members who work for the government?

Okay, great.

So that brings me to my second question.

Uh, have any of you previously participated in a...

Black lady jury?

all: ♪ Black lady jury ♪ [two claps]

♪ Black lady jury ♪ [two claps]

♪ Black lady jury ♪ [two claps]

♪ Black lady jury ♪ [two claps]

- Now y'all doing the Rockaway.

[gavel bangs] - Okay, everybody, settle down.

- Sorry I'm late, Your Honor.

My client had a shift at Burlington Coat Factory.

She doesn't work there--she just steals from 10:00 to 4:00.

What in the pink oil?

What in the Murray's? - Yeah, girl. We can't call it.

- Hey, y'all in here doing Fat Joe choreo

when we're supposed to be selecting the jurors

for Case 5668-B.

[gavel bangs] - First, your tone.

Second, that's not even the right docket number.

I said it is case 5669-B.

- Ah, that's on me.

Let me just leave you ladies to your

♪ Black lady-- ♪ - Uh-uh!

- You right.

Excuse me.

- [scoffs]

- He done lost his doggone mind.

- Thank you, Your Honor.

Now, first, I'd like to begin by petitioning the court

for a waiver of jury limits so that

all these queens can take part in the proceedings!

[laughter]

[gavel bangs] - Granted.

- ♪ Black lady jury ♪

- Um, um...

Miss Judge, ma'am, I would like to say something.

Ever since I first stepped in your courtroom,

my life changed.

I had never seen

so many professional, Black women in one place.

It inspired me, and I wanted that feeling every day.

So I went from a successful but lonely small-business owner

to committing petty crimes and swindles,

hoping that it would one day lead me back into a courtroom

full of beautiful Black goddesses.

[dramatic music]

- [choked up] You did all of that...

just to be with us?

- Yeah, Bailiff, I did.

- I'm sorry. [sobs softly]

- Your Honor, I don't represent her,

but I would like to plead for the court's mercy on Trina.

- I appreciate you, sis. Thank you. She is so dumb.

- That's obvious.

- Now, Trina, as special as this Black lady courtroom is--

- [crying] And Black lady jury, Your Honor.

And a Black lady jury.

- You better say it. Say it.

I cannot in good conscience turn a blind eye

to the crimes you have just confessed to on today.

- Oh, no.

- But considering this is a civil court

and not a criminal court, sustained!

[cheers and applause]

[laughter]

- You probably going to jail soon!

- Worth it! [laughter]

Black lady courtroom! all: [two claps]

♪ Black lady courtroom ♪ [two claps]

♪ Black lady courtroom ♪ [two claps]

♪ Black lady courtroom ♪ [two claps]

♪ Black lady courtroom ♪ [two claps]

- Hey!

all: ♪ Black lady courtroom ♪ [two claps]

♪ Black lady courtroom ♪ [two claps]

♪ Black lady courtroom ♪ [two claps]

♪ Black lady courtroom ♪ [two claps]

[mellow techno music]

♪ ♪

- Forgive me, Your Honor. - Why?

Are you the one that hired the second Aunt Viv?

- Forgive me, Your Honor. - Uh, why?

Do you clap on the ones and threes?

- Please go. You're getting grease on my chair.

- I'm sorry about that.

- But leave positive Yelp review.

We are Black-owned business.

- Okay, I will.

I don't have any internet.

Do you have a Wi-Fi and a computer?

I have to ask you a question. - Yes?

- Do you have a bathroom? - Not for non-customers.

- Okay, well, it's good I went in the chair, then.

You ever have your door get stuck

in the middle of the freeway?

- No, I have excellent credit.

- Oh, okay. That's cool.

Can I have some?

- No. - Okay.

- Please go--

- Y'all need any help around here?

[laughter]

All right, look, can I ask you just one more thing?

- Sure.

- Do you think, like, I could ever look like Halle Berry?

'Cause I had thought when I was younger--

- Cut. - No?

[laughter]

- Sorry I'm late, Your Honor.

My client refused to come to court

until she found a snakeskin shirt,

and this is the one she chose.

- [stifled laugh] - What?

- She's out, she's out. [laughter]

She's done. [laughter]

We lost her.

- Sorry I am late, Your Honor.

I just found out my client has been impersonating Issa Rae

and is now wanted for fraud.

Sorry I'm late, Your Honor.

My client decided to enter a Malcolm X lookalike competition

and, clearly, she lost.

- Aww.

- Sorry I am late, Your Honor.

My client said she would not come to court--

- No, stop. - It's over before it began.

- [laughing] Oh, God.

- Sorry I'm late, Your Honor.

My client decided to trick-or-treat,

but because she was dressed as Lauryn Hill,

she just finished three months late.

Sorry I am late, Your Honor.

My client decided to audition for "Princess and the Frog 2"

and got the frog.

What in the pink oil?

What in the Murray's-- You laughed!

- It's her! [indistinct] [laughter]

[shouts indistinctly]

[laughter]

- I had already laughed, but I just--

- [laughing] I know, I know.

[bright tone]

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