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I am told that in the United States,

women earn about 80 percent of all the wealth of the country.

Most of them, I suppose,

have managed to bump their husbands off

in one splendid way or another,

and good luck to them.

But what do they do with all that money,

these women?

What they do not do

is to remarry penniless young men.

They're too smart for that.

And yet very rich men,

who for some reason are all incredibly lecherous,

are forever marrying penniless beautiful young ladies.

These husbands don't live very long.

But here is a story about a rich woman

who did the opposite,

and married a man without money.

And look what happened to them.

[Classical piano music]

I have an idea, Arthur.

What?

I have an idea.

I'm listening to Beethoven.

Wrong, you're listening to me.

Turn it off.

Would you like a drink, Arthur?

Thank you, no.

[Music stops]

Would you like to hear what my idea is?

Well, I guess I'm going to, whether I want to or not.

Don't get smart with me.

I want you well-disposed to what I've got to say.

Have a drink, Arthur.

I don't want one.

Have a drink!

All right, I'll have one.

I don't know

what's the matter with you lately.

You're so argumentative.

Me?!

There was a time

when you seemed genuinely grateful

for everything I've done for you.

Oh, I am, honey. I am.

Not many guys could sit around

listening to Beethoven

in the middle of the afternoon.

I know that, dear, and I'm grateful.

I think you've come to despise me and my money.

Sweetheart, that's not true.

I never for a moment thought that I was going to get--

You know, I could just as soon

stop your allowance

and suggest maybe that you go to work.

Do you think that would teach you

to appreciate me?

I don't have to be taught

how to appreciate you, dearest.

But I don't have to prove everything.

I mean, who, for instance,

brings you up your morning coffee

on the maid's day off?

Now if that's not appreciation,

I don't know what is.

Showing interest

in everything I've got to say,

that's appreciation.

What brought this mood on, dearest?

Boredom.

Boredom?

I'm bored, Arthur.

You're bored?

Bored. Bored!!

Bored.

Well, don't be, dear.

We've got people coming for the weekend.

And that bores me.

Well, then, why did you ask them?

You know perfectly well why I asked them,

for bridge, and that's all.

Well, there you go.

You're not going to be bored playing bridge.

No, I'll grant you that. They do play

a first-class game of bridge.

And for decent stakes, too.

But in every other department,

I don't think I've ever met--

The only time I ever met them, they seemed quite nice.

So does a butcher.

He is very nice.

Oh, shut up, Arthur!

You know the sort of people they are

just as well as I do.

Couple of crummy, vulgar social-climbers

who think they can get in anyplace

just because they play a decent game of bridge.

Well, if that's what you thought,

you never should have invited them.

I invited them because I'm sick and tired

of playing bridge with cabbages!

But on reflection, Arthur,

on reflection, I don't like the idea

of those tacky people in my house.

Well, it's too late to cancel it.

I mean, they've probably left their house by now.

Exactly.

I don't understand.

Well, they're coming

whether I like it or not, right?

Yeah.

You want to have some fun, Arthur?

What, playing bridge? Well...

No. No, no, no, Arthur, dear.

Not playing bridge.

After playing bridge.

That's what my idea is all about.

Oh, your idea. I see.

No, you don't. But try and guess.

Guess what?

What my idea is, the kind of fun

I have in mind after we play bridge.

It's not charades.

Nope.

Winetasting?

No, Arthur, it's not winetasting.

Well, I give up.

Oh, come on, Arthur, use your imagination!

Think about the Snapes

and then maybe you'll get it.

Who are the Snapes?

For God's sakes, Arthur, will you wake up?!

The Snapes, our weekend guests,

Henry and Sally Snapes.

Oh! Sorry. I'm sorry.

Now think about the Snapes,

the kind of people they are.

I can't think of anything.

How about the way they behave?

Well, he's always seemed like

a pretty good-humored kind of guy,

and she seems devoted to him.

Arthur, she acts like a love-sick sparrow.

And he acts like a traveling salesman.

He is a traveling salesman.

OK, there you are.

They never stop looking at each other,

and they've been married for 7 years.

Blowing secret kisses and batting eyelids.

And his jokes,

he can't even tell a clean one

without making it sound dirty.

Well, I thought that was a very funny story,

the one about the two women wrestlers

and all the mud.

You would.

Well, you laughed, too, didn't you?

Well, I was only trying to be polite.

But I'm really going to laugh tonight, Arthur,

after we play bridge.

Well, go on, I'm listening.

Oh, Arthur, my boy,

that's good, that's very good,

because that's precisely what we're going to do.

What?

Listen.

Listen?

You see, Arthur,

what I've always wanted to know

is what people do when they're alone...

together.

Now, wait a minute, Pamela, you can't--

Oh, come on, Arthur,

let's have some real fun for a change.

Am I thinking what you're thinking?

Well, that depends on what you're thinking.

Tell me.

No, you tell me first.

All we have to do

is put one of your microphones

in the guest room.

That's what I thought you were thinking.

Good.

And it's absolutely out of the question!

Can't do it!

Why not?

It's the nastiest trick I ever heard of.

Well, of course it is.

It's like listening at keyholes,

it's like opening people's mail.

Right.

But in our own home! It's worse!

Listening to what our guests have to say

in the privacy of their bedroom.

It's indecent!

But that's the whole point!

Look, I don't want to know

what our guests have to say when they're in bed.

Oh, come on, Arthur.

Can't you see how much fun--

Are you serious?!

Of course I'm serious.

Well, Pamela, I forbid you to do it!

Well.

My second husband said that to me once,

and he's in Louisville, Kentucky,

selling insurance door-to-door.

Look, Pamela, I've got to tell you, I...

Look, I can't go along with this!

Well, I don't see why not!

Why not? Because I've never done

anything like it before in my life!

It's not right, Pamela.

It's just about as right

as when you found those letters

of Mary Probert's in her purse

and read every single one of them

from beginning to end.

Well, maybe we never should have done that.

"We"?!

Well, you read them afterwards, didn't you?

OK, and it didn't harm anybody, did it?

You said so yourself at the time.

And this kind of thing is no worse than that.

Well, how would you like it

if somebody did the same thing to you?

How could I mind, Arthur,

if I didn't know they were doing it?

No! No!!

I'm not going to have anything more to do with it.

[Classical piano music]

Come on, Arthur.

Come on, Arthur.

Can't you see how much fun this will be?

And you're so good with your hands,

you'll have a ball,

all those wires and speakers and--

I'm not going to attempt it, Pamela!

That's a nasty idea,

it's a really nasty idea.

Of course it's nasty.

I'm a nasty person. And so are you.

That's why we get along so well together.

I'm not that nasty.

Oh, yes, you are.

And if you're not, maybe we don't have

as much in common as I thought.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean,

what's a nice person like you doing

associating with a nasty person like me?

I didn't mean that!

What did you mean, Arthur?

I want to think it over.

Maybe the great electronics engineer

doesn't know how to connect

a mike to a speaker.

That's the easiest part of it.

Go and do it then.

I want to have time to think about it.

There isn't time to think about it, Arthur.

They'll be here in less than an hour.

Come on, Arthur.

Can't you see how much fun it'll be?

[Music stops]

I don't want to rush into it.

If you do what I ask, Arthur, I'll, um...

put on that apron

you bought for me in Hamburg.

Oh, my God. Pamela--

And the Wellington boots.

Pamela, don't.

Don't.

And I'll tell you

where I hid the feather duster.

Where?

Where?!

OK, honey, switch it on.

Right!

[Squeaking noise]

Oh, what the hell is he doing?

Arthur, what the hell are you doing?

I'm bouncing up and down.

Oh, OK.

Can you hear me?

I'm speaking in an ordinary conversational voice.

Now I'll whisper.

Remember what you promised, Pamela.

I'm only doing it

because of what you promised.

Perfect, Arthur, you're a genius!

Good! I've got a couple more things

to fix up here.

OK!

[Car approaching]

[Engine stops]

[Doorbell]

Arthur: Is that the bell?

Pamela, is that the bell?!

It's them!

Don't let Millie show them up!

I'll get caught!

Hurry up!

All right, I'm going.

Millie!

Millie!

Pamela: Millie!

Don't answer the door, Millie. I'll get it.

Hello, Sally. How lovely to see you.

Hello, Henry. Hello.

How are you doing?

Good.

God, I can't tell you how much

I'm looking forward to this weekend.

Oh, nice.

Did you have a nice trip up?

Yeah, very good, very good.

Was there much traffic?

No, no, clear all the way.

Oh, good.

Hey, beautiful place you've got here, huh?

Oh, thank you. We love it.

Well, what are we standing here for?

Come on in.

Oh, Pamela, would you mind

if I went straight to my room and changed?

Uh, why don't we have

a quick drink first,

and then I'll show you the garden--

Well, it's just that

we stopped for coffee on the way,

and an awfully clumsy waiter.

Oh, my God.

But did I have fun trying to clean it up, huh?

Honey, come on.

Ha ha! I'll bet.

Would you mind, Pamela?

Yeah, you know,

it's the oddest thing,

I spilled a lot of ketchup

down one of Arthur's shirts once.

A white shirt.

Ketchup, can you imagine that?

Ha ha ha! We were in a restaurant at the time,

and Arthur, uh, leaned over, you know,

to get the waiter to get a cloth to clean it up,

and the woman at the next table screamed.

She thought I'd stabbed Arthur.

No, I'm not kidding. She was hysterical.

So, uh, Arthur went over to, uh, explain

and that only made matters worse.

And I didn't know what to do,

so I started to shout, "Arthur, Arthur!"

And he didn't take any notice,

and so I went over to the table

and, uh, shouting,

still shouting, "Arthur! Arthur!"

And by that time, poor darling Arthur

is patting this woman's hand and soothing her

and saying, "There, there,

everything's going to be all right,"

but she's crying

and I'm still shouting, "Arthur!"

There you are. Our guests are here.

Yeah, hello, Henry.

Hello, Arthur.

Good to see you. Sally.

Hi, Arthur. How are you?

Arthur, Sally, uh, Sally would like to go

straight to her room to freshen up.

Is that--would it-- would you mind?

Not at all.

Ah. OK.

I'll take the bag, Henry.

Just take hers.

OK.

Sally, you go with Arthur.

Henry, you come with me.

Oh. I'd like that.

We'll have that quick drink.

I'd like that very much.

Good! Dinner's at 7:30 around here,

if that's all right with you.

Sure, sure.

And then, after dinner,

we'll play bridge, what else?

I can't guarantee I'll play

for very long tonight, I'm so tired.

[Yawning] It's been an exhausting day.

I bid one heart.

Two spades.

Pass.

Pass.

Pass.

Hmm. Not too much here, I'm afraid.

Here we go.

Pamela: No more drinks, Arthur.

Well, not for me.

OK, the rest are mine.

I'm afraid all those diamonds aren't good,

you're going to lose two at the end.

God damn it, you're too good!

Ah, not really.

You know, I don't know

what's the matter with me tonight,

but I'm absolutely bushed.

Sally, Henry, do you mind if we add up?

Don't you want to finish the rubber?

Well, what the hell,

we've got the rest of the weekend ahead of us.

I'm sorry, I can't stop yawning.

Here you go, Henry.

Thanks, Arthur.

Oh, forgive me.

Sally.

Boy, you two play

like a couple of demons.

How did you get to be so good?

Oh, just practice.

Practice, practice, practice.

As the actress said to the bishop.

Ha!

Have you ever played any championships?

No, not yet,

but Henry wants for us to do that very much.

It's just terribly hard work to reach that standard.

Very hard work.

That's what the bishop said to the actress.

Oh, come on, Henry,

you have a one-track mind.

Hey, doesn't everybody?

We owe you 250 bucks.

Arthur: Ooh!

Well, I guess it could have been worse,

the way we were playing.

You were just unlucky.

I mean, after all,

we play almost every night.

Ah, don't we just.

Well, I don't think that luck

had anything to do with it.

We just made an awful lot of mistakes.

So did we.

Oh, just one.

Roger: Oh, when Sally went to 6 spades,

she thought you had more in your hand than you did.

Yeah, that's when.

Well, other than that, I thought you--

Oh, for God's sakes, Arthur,

let's not go over and over the hands.

I can't stand postmortems.

No, it was my fault entirely.

I told you it was the country air.

I just can't wait to get to bed.

Oh, lucky Arthur!

I'm tired, Henry.

Ah. Unlucky Arthur.

I just couldn't concentrate

on the cards at all tonight.

Well, there's always tomorrow, Pamela.

That's the spirit.

Look at me, I can't keep my eyes open.

Sally: Well, I'm just wide awake,

and if Pamela wouldn't mind,

we could play 3-handed.

I mean, after all, it's just past 11:00.

Ahem.

Well, I'm a little bushed myself.

It's been a very long day.

Hey, I think we better go up too, Sal.

But I'm just wide awake.

I think our hosts want to retire, sweetheart.

Oh, well, now, look, I don't want to--

If you wouldn't think it terribly rude of me,

I think I'll just watch "The Late Show" on TV.

Uh, television doesn't work.

The repairman was supposed to come around

this afternoon to fix it and he didn't...

come around.

Only other set is in our bedroom.

Well, we don't mind crowding in there, huh?

Ha ha!

Sally: Well, I think I'll just sit over here

and read for a while until I get tired.

I put some, uh...

I put some books in your room.

Hey, looks like the bid's against you, Sal.

I guess.

Don't worry about getting up

in the morning, we're late risers.

Roger: You've got a lovely view from the room.

It goes right out across the valley.

Sun comes in about 10:00 in the morning.

It's absolutely breathtaking.

Well, here we go. Beddy-byes.

Good night, Henry. Good night, Sally.

Henry: Good night.

Sally: Good night.

Arthur: Sleep well.

Henry: Oh, you bet.

They're very quiet, aren't they?

I can't help feeling

we oughtn't to be doing this.

Arthur!

Henry: So.

Shh!

So what?

So what?

So what? So everything!

What's that supposed to mean?

You know exactly what it means, Sal.

We don't, Henry.

Henry: You didn't want to come to bed tonight,

did you, Sal?

Oh! Here we go.

Sally: No, I didn't.

And we know why, don't we?

No, we don't. Shh!

I know why I didn't want to come to bed, Henry,

but I don't know about you.

Oh, I know. I know perfectly well.

You didn't want to come to bed

because you're frightened of being punished.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Sally: Well, that's understandable,

isn't it?

I mean, I don't like being punished.

Henry: Yes, but you're going to be punished,

aren't you, Sal?

Not now, Henry.

Please, I'm so tired.

Look, she said

they were late risers,

we can get up early

in the morning and do it,

they won't hear us.

We'll do it now.

Attaboy, Henry.

Henry: You're going to be punished, Sal.

You're going to do it over and over and over again

until you get it right!

My God, we'll be up all night!

[Sobbing]

What's that?

I think she's crying.

Henry: Cut the crap, Sal.

You don't get around me by crying.

I can't do it again, Henry.

I'm so tired.

It'll be better

in the morning,

I promise.

I'll be fresher in the morning.

Now.

I said now.

Jesus, he'll dislodge the mike.

Henry: You goddamned idiot,

this whole lousy evening wasted, 250 bucks!

What's this?

Sally: It won't happen again.

Right, it's not going to happen again,

and I'm not taking any chances!

We're going to practice right now!

Oh, no, Henry, please,

I can't stand any more.

I'm so tired.

Hey, look, all the way out here

to take money off this rich bitch

and what do you do? You go and blow it!

Wait a minute.

Sally: I said I made a mistake.

I got mixed up. It won't happen again!

Sit down.

I'm going to call it out and you're going to answer.

No, Henry, please, not all 500!

It'll take hours.

All right, we'll leave out the finger positions.

You do know the finger positions, don't you?

Sally: Yes.

We'll just do the basic bids

showing high cards.

Oh, no, Henry, don't.

I don't want to do it again.

Look, Sal! We've got to get it perfect!

We got a game every day next week.

Now you know that.

Besides, we've got to eat.

All right, I'm going to start at the beginning.

A club.

King and Queen of spades.

Ace, King, Queen of diamonds.

Ace, King, Queen,

Jack of hearts. King of clubs.

Henry: How many cards in each suit?

Come on, watch my hands!

You said we could miss those!

You're absolutely sure you know them.

I know them, I promise!

All right.

A club.

King, Queen, Jack of spades.

Ace and Queen of diamonds.

Ace, King, Queen, Jack of hearts.

Queen of clubs.

I'll call one club.

Ace, Queen, King,

Jack, Ace of spades.

Ace, King, Queen, Jack of hearts.

Ace and Queen of diamonds.

King of clubs.

You know what it is?

It's a bidding code!

They can signal every card

they've got in their hand!

Sally: ...Ace, King, Queen, Jack of hearts.

It couldn't be.

Henry: I'll say, "One club."

It's like the mind-reader.

One man goes into the audience

and borrows something from you.

There's a girl blindfolded on-stage.

And from the way he phrases his questions,

she can tell him exactly what it is.

Huh!

It's impossible!

It isn't.

Very hard work. Listen to them.

Sally: Ace, King, Queen, Jack of spades.

Ace, Queen, Jack of diamonds.

Jack of hearts.

Ace, Queen, King, Jack of clubs.

"One heart, sweetheart."

Ace, King, Queen, Jack of spades.

Ace, King, Queen, Jack of diamonds.

Ace, Queen, Jack of hearts. Queen of clubs.

So he can tell her how many cards

he's got in each suit

just by the position of his fingers!

How?!

I don't know,

but you heard him telling her.

Sally: Ace of hearts. Ace, 10, Queen, Jack of...

Of all the rotten, crooked, immoral,

unprincipled son-of-a--

What a marvelous idea.

What is?

The bidding code!

Arthur! Do you think

we could learn to do it?

What?

Henry: I'll say, "A diamond."

The bidding code! Of course we could!

Why not?!

Pamela, Pamela-- Pamela!

Sally: Jack, Queen, King of clubs.

Pamela! Pamela!

No code, no apron.

Pamela!!

And no Wellington boots.

You promised!

No feather duster! Sit down!

Sally: ...Queen of hearts.

Hold this a second.

Henry: I'll say, "A diamond, my darling."

I haven't got a pencil!

Sally: Ace, King, Queen of spades.

10, Jack, Queen of hearts.

Now, look, we'll have to work out

our own finger positions.

Promises, promises.

...Jack, Queen of clubs.

Henry: One spade.

Ace, 10, Jack, Queen of spades.

Ace, 10, Jack, Queen, King of diamonds.

Ace and King of hearts.

Henry: One spade...

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