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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,920 --> 00:00:04,911 (ELECTRONIC WHIRRING) 2 00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:11,119 (FLATLINE TONE) 3 00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:12,513 (CRACKING) 4 00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:25,912 (MUFFLED CHATTER) 5 00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:35,752 (DOOR OPENS) 6 00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:39,519 (CLEARS HIS THROAT) They're ready for you. 7 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:45,318 - Gwendolyn Harris. We've met. - Bournemouth. 8 00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:49,194 - But you don't know the others. - No, but I'm familiar with you. 9 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:51,708 Why do you want to be an MP? 10 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,354 Because I'm not satisfied with the way things are, 11 00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:57,392 and rather than sit back and moan, I'd prefer to do something about it. 12 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:00,152 - (BELL RINGS) - Go again from the top. 13 00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:01,758 I don't know why anyone's surprised 14 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:04,519 the world's number one teen idol has become a Scientologist. 15 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:08,599 Speed up the autocue, please. Pop stars do believe in weird things. 16 00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:11,950 Abba believed in angels. R Kelly believed he could fly... 17 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:13,228 They said show you this. 18 00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:15,191 - This happened just now? - Mm-hm. 19 00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:16,309 Gladwell? 20 00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:18,794 "Shamed Tory Jason Gladwell resigns" - 21 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:21,274 capitals - "over Twitter porn pics scandal." 22 00:01:21,320 --> 00:01:22,753 Oh, so he wasn't hacked after all. 23 00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:25,360 "Originally claimed his account had been hacked... 24 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:26,833 "Resignation statement admits 25 00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:29,553 "inappropriate correspondence with a 15-year-old girl." 26 00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:32,512 So tweeting dick photos is correspondence now, is it? 27 00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:34,391 "Departure triggers a by-election 28 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:36,431 "in his Stentonford and Hersham constituency." 29 00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:39,438 - Well, you get to use the Gladwell stuff. - Mm-hm. 30 00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:43,393 Bump it all up to the top of the monologue. Anyone seen Jamie? 31 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:45,351 (PHONE RINGING) 32 00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:50,195 Rach? 33 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:52,151 You really shouldn't be calling me any more. 34 00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:53,997 You need to sort yourself out. 35 00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:55,712 I am. 36 00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:58,228 Focus on Waldo. That's going well for you. 37 00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:01,352 - But it's not... - He's a hit, Jamie. 38 00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:03,834 "He." Not me, "he". 39 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:05,472 Just do your show. 40 00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:08,114 - I will. I mean, hon, if you'd just... - (KNOCK AT DOOR) 41 00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:10,151 - (PHONE RINGS OFF) - WOMAN: Jamie? 42 00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:12,514 Jamie, hurry up. 43 00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:16,400 WOMAN: What do you know about Stentonford and Hersham? 44 00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:18,158 Safe Tory seat. 45 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:21,590 So... realistically, I know there's not much of a chance, but... 46 00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:24,393 So, it's a stepping stone for you? 47 00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:26,271 Yes. 48 00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:30,629 Obviously, I wouldn't say that outside of this room, but... 49 00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:32,636 well, you want me to be honest. 50 00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:34,272 There's no point in pretending. 51 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:38,677 Is there anything in your past that might conceivably cause problems? 52 00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:40,199 No. 53 00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:43,032 Except... 54 00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:46,794 ...I did commit a series of murders in Huddersfield 55 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:48,751 between '99 and 2003. 56 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:50,392 But apart from that... 57 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:56,392 Well, thank you, Gwendolyn. 58 00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:57,998 If you could leave via that door. 59 00:02:58,040 --> 00:02:59,917 Oh, that door? 60 00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:02,349 We like to keep the candidates separate. 61 00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:04,959 Right, yes. 62 00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:17,638 (MUTTERS) Idiot. 63 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:19,159 Idiot! 64 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:24,196 Shamed super groomer and all-round pillock of the community 65 00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:27,312 Jason Gladwell has resigned as an MP, 66 00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:30,830 saying he could no longer maintain his position. 67 00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:33,269 That position, presumably, being hunched over, 68 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:35,515 - wanking madly at school kids. - (LAUGHTER) 69 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:36,993 A pal of Gladwell said... 70 00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:39,110 - Are you ready? - Uh-huh. 71 00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:42,232 ...how old the girl wasn't. That's the sort of 72 00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:45,670 feeble excuse only a naive school kid would swallow - 73 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:47,597 which, presumably, was the idea. 74 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:48,834 (GROANS AND LAUGHTER) 75 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,519 Anyway, the bad news is, he's resigned in disgrace. 76 00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:54,836 The good news is, he's now free to pursue a full-time career 77 00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:57,519 in the disgraced paedophile industry. 78 00:03:57,560 --> 00:03:59,152 (LAUGHTER) 79 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:01,714 Personally, I don't understand why anyone's surprised... 80 00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:03,955 Um, small change to the intro. 81 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:04,989 What? 82 00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:06,758 Nothing huge, just Conor wanted the Jacko gag 83 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,153 - for the monologue, so... - That was my bit. 84 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:09,758 There's the Chancellor stuff, you could use that. 85 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:10,835 Bit politics. 86 00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:12,518 - You can do politics. - I do piss-taking. 87 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:14,312 Go be Waldo. 88 00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:16,271 Yes, Commander. 89 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:17,673 R Kelly believed he could fly, 90 00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:20,712 and Michael Jackson believed that his doctor was qualified... 91 00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,432 (DEEP VOICE) Big ball blue bear bollocks. 92 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:23,629 And now it's time 93 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:26,956 for our final visit to the world of educational children's programming 94 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,638 courtesy of everyone's favourite, 95 00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:33,310 and only occasionally inappropriate cool kids' TV character, Waldo. 96 00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:39,000 - Whose mum's in tonight, apparently. - (LAUGHTER) 97 00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:41,759 Waldo, who have you had in your cave this week? 98 00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:43,950 Well, Conor, in my big pink 99 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:46,150 cave this week, I had former 100 00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:47,918 Minister for Culture Liam Monroe. 101 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:49,678 Oh, he's quite handsome, isn't he? 102 00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:51,676 I was hoping he'd nosh me off! 103 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:54,029 Want to see how it panned out? 104 00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:55,399 I think we should. 105 00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:57,590 Run VT! 106 00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:00,712 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 107 00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:08,556 (LAUGHTER) 108 00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:11,439 Hey, everybody! 109 00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:14,517 It's Waldo time! Yeah! 110 00:05:14,560 --> 00:05:16,755 Cool! Cool! 111 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:19,394 Waldo-rrific! 112 00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:20,793 Ha-ha-ha! 113 00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:24,276 Hey, kids, my guest this week is Mr Monroe. 114 00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:25,878 Hello, Mr Monroe. 115 00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:27,239 Hello, Waldo. 116 00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:30,352 Mr Monroe is a politician. 117 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:36,875 So, what is a politician, Mr Monroe? 118 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,876 Well, a politician is someone 119 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,514 who tries to make the world a fairer place. 120 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:42,754 Like Batman. 121 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:46,349 - Not exactly like Batman. - Do you beat people up? 122 00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:48,356 No, I don't beat people up. 123 00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:49,469 Are you a pussy, then? 124 00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:51,112 (LAUGHTER) 125 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,674 Well, I'm not sure I know exactly what... 126 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,075 You don't know what pussy is? 127 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:57,553 (LAUGHTER) 128 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,434 OK, this is clearly some kind of joke. 129 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:04,119 No joke, sorry, let's move on. 130 00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:05,354 Friends again? 131 00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:07,709 (KISSES) 132 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,076 (CHATTERING) 133 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,509 Oh, hello, mate, great show. Well done, 134 00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:18,629 really good. 135 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:19,874 So, we'll bring him over. 136 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:21,672 You go and get him, I'll explain about... 137 00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:22,675 Now, he comes across... 138 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:24,870 Jamie! 139 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:26,876 (WALDO'S VOICE) What you want, Miss Tamsin? 140 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:28,876 Behind me, man in glasses talking to Jack Napier. 141 00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:30,831 - Jack freaks me out. - Yeah, ditto, 142 00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:33,348 but he owns the company and the man he's with is important 143 00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,391 - and wants to talk to you. - (SIGHS) 144 00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:36,714 He's from the channel. 145 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:38,113 Go on. 146 00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:40,674 - JACK: Honestly, all I'm saying... - JIM: Is he shy? 147 00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:42,551 No, all I'm saying is, he's a terrific guy... 148 00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:45,239 - Jim, Jamie, Jamie, Jim. - How do you do? 149 00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:47,840 - Jim, Jack, James. - Jamie. 150 00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:50,314 Jim was just talking about Waldo. 151 00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:54,399 Yeah. Liam Monroe has lodged a complaint. 152 00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:56,829 - Toys out of the pram. - And that's? 153 00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:58,359 Good press. 154 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,755 It's so tough to get a breakthrough these days, 155 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:02,870 but when it does, well, it's just fantastic. 156 00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:05,798 It's fantastic the way Waldo puts the piss up Monroe. 157 00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:09,310 You know, all those twats, it's punk, it's... it's... 158 00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:12,477 - Jack? - Excuse me. 159 00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:17,316 Well, Twitter can't get enough of Waldo, loves him. 160 00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:21,592 Look, I know the show's coming back again next year, but, um... 161 00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:23,517 we want to see more of Waldo. 162 00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:27,195 They want to do a pilot. 163 00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:29,754 - A Waldo pilot? - Yeah. I mean, how does that sound? 164 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:32,314 Yeah. That sounds good. 165 00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:35,318 Sounds stormin' Norman, fucking stormin'. 166 00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:37,032 Going to give it to 'em. 167 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,672 (PHONE BEEPS) 168 00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:59,713 SHAUN: Yeah, but look, we can't do sketches without Waldo. 169 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:01,352 It's a Waldo pilot, it's a Waldo show, 170 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:02,913 it's got to be Waldo, Waldo, Waldo. 171 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,599 Realistically, there isn't the budget for other animations. 172 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:08,029 I mean live action, other characters I can do. 173 00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:09,593 What about the Brown Knight? 174 00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:11,551 What, the crap crusader? 175 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:16,549 We can look into the Brown Knight. But right now let's find more Waldo ideas. 176 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:19,792 The problem is, any guests we book 177 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:23,469 will be in on it. They know that Waldo's a joke, the surprise is gone. 178 00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:24,748 So, we think round that. 179 00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:26,995 - But we can't just... - TABLET: Hey, boys and girls! 180 00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:28,359 It's Waldo time! 181 00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:30,152 Yeah! Ha-ha! 182 00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:32,475 - (LAUGHTER) - He's awesome, isn't he? 183 00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:34,431 - I mean, look... - Hey, boys and girls... 184 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:36,914 ...sod name in lights, you're an app now, my brother. 185 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:39,155 Yeah! Ha-ha! 186 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:41,191 All right, Sara? How's the think-tanking going? 187 00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:42,355 - Good shit? - Um... 188 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:45,119 - Yeah, we're making headway. - Good. 189 00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:47,913 I see our friend Monroe is in the news again, 190 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,633 running in the Stentonford by-election. 191 00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:51,829 We should get Waldo down there. 192 00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:55,551 Hey, that's not a bad idea, actually. 193 00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:58,751 We get a van with a screen with the image of Waldo on the side. 194 00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:00,279 Like it. 195 00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:02,754 And then, when Monroe's doing a meet and greet, we just 196 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:05,268 - turn up and just get under his skin. - I love that, I love it. 197 00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:07,788 - We've done Monroe. - But it was a great bit. 198 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:09,637 I'm not dumb or clever enough to be political... 199 00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:13,309 Why don't we get Waldo to stand for the by-election? 200 00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:15,351 - Get people to vote for him? - He's not real. 201 00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:18,517 But people have stood as fictional characters before. Do you think 202 00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:20,391 Screaming Lord Sutch was his real name? 203 00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:22,908 We just put "commonly known as" on the ballot. 204 00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,076 No-one's actually going to vote for him, that's not the point. 205 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:27,554 The point is, we get to hang around, we're there for the count. 206 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:31,479 (CLICKS FINGERS) Well, go on then, Sara, whack it up there. 207 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:49,550 TAMSIN: He's with a mum and baby group. 208 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:54,037 OK. Going live in five... four... three... two... 209 00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:57,755 Thank you so much for joining me this morning. It's been incredibly informative 210 00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:00,951 and I think we should have a little round of applause for the children, 211 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,911 who were fantastic. 212 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:04,188 Thank you, Naomi. 213 00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:06,834 Um... thank you for your time. 214 00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:11,548 Hey! 215 00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:14,114 Hey, it's me, Waldo. 216 00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:16,549 Oh, I like your trainers, man! 217 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:19,068 I'd wear trainers myself but I can't cos I haven't got feet. 218 00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:21,588 - I've got stumps. - (ALL LAUGH) 219 00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:22,709 He's out. 220 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:24,478 Hey, Mr Monroe! Mr Monroe! 221 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:26,988 Hey! Did you get off with any of the mums? 222 00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:28,712 Where'd you look while they were breastfeeding? 223 00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:31,399 They got big milky tits, Mr Monroe! 224 00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:33,158 He said it! 225 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:35,395 Mr Monroe, don't walk away from me! 226 00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:37,510 - I'm sorry about this, Liam. - Hey, I'm being snubbed! 227 00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:40,028 Hey, don't ignore me. Don't just get in your car. 228 00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:42,275 It's a death trap anyway, look at it! 229 00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:43,435 Let's find out what we can 230 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:45,357 - about the idiot inside that thing. - Sure. 231 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:48,996 Mr Monroe. Oi! 232 00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:51,156 (PHONE RINGS) 233 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:52,713 WOMAN: Stentonford Labour Party. 234 00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:55,832 Right, you've got a choice of styles, 235 00:10:55,880 --> 00:11:00,954 so just choose one from there. Then you put your name... in there. 236 00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:03,309 This is like bloody Moonpig. 237 00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:05,476 Don't knock the free mail-out. 238 00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:10,797 Bet Liam Monroe doesn't use some Fisher-Price leaflet app. 239 00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:12,558 He doesn't have to. 240 00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:21,073 Day one of the campaign in Stentonford and Hersham, 241 00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:23,714 and Tory hopeful Liam Monroe hits the ground running. 242 00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:26,274 The licence fee is something that's very close to my heart... 243 00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:28,993 WALDO: Mr Monroe, ey! Ooh-ooh-ooh! Look at me, Mr Monroe, please! 244 00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:31,600 Hey, over here! Hey, over here! 245 00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:33,596 Look over here, Mr Monroe, 246 00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:35,596 - look over here! - The Conservative Party have been, er... 247 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:38,837 have been arguing for a reduction in the licence fee for... 248 00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:40,996 - Hey, hey! Good morning, everybody. - Pardon? 249 00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:42,359 Why you ignoring me, Mr Monroe... 250 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:44,630 - I beg your pardon. - I'm sorry. It's rather loud. 251 00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:47,194 - Mr Monroe, Mr Monroe... - We have argued for a further reduction 252 00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:49,117 - in the licence fee... - Why you ignoring me? 253 00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:50,912 Mum with a pushchair - drag her into it. 254 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,359 Hey, you. Mum with the pushchair. 255 00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:56,359 Yeah, you. Ask Mr Monroe why he's ignoring me. 256 00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:58,595 Why are you ignoring Waldo? 257 00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:01,234 Mr Monroe, what's Waldo done to you? 258 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:03,271 - Yeah. Answer the lady. - Who's she? 259 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:06,073 We should probably just shift before this turns stupid. 260 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:08,953 I'm not walking away from a cartoon. 261 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:12,473 I'm not ignoring you. 262 00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:14,670 Yeah, you were, you upset me. 263 00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:15,914 You made Waldo 264 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:18,679 sad. Waa-a-a-a-a-ah. 265 00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:25,676 Well, obviously, I'm absolutely devastated that you're upset... 266 00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:27,836 Wa-a-a-a-a-a-a-ah! 267 00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:30,235 (CROWD LAUGHS) 268 00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:31,759 Let him get a word in. 269 00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:37,791 I'm not ignoring you because there is no you. 270 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:40,274 You are an image voiced by a comedian - 271 00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:43,073 - an alleged comedian, more accurately. - If I'm not real, 272 00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:44,633 why you talking to him? 273 00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:45,430 And by "him" 274 00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:46,674 I mean me, knobber! 275 00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:49,154 (CROWD LAUGHS) 276 00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:52,476 There's no point in attempting to converse with a cartoon. 277 00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:54,272 Ooh, "converse", Your Lordship! 278 00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:57,676 Thy flowery language doth give me a right throbbing bone-on! 279 00:12:57,720 --> 00:12:59,438 Uh-ha-ha-ha-huh! 280 00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:00,959 (CROWD GASPS AND LAUGHS) 281 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,831 Uh-er-ha-ha! 282 00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:04,836 Ha-ha-ha-ha-uh-uh-uh! 283 00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:06,233 Uh-uh-uh-oh! 284 00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:08,510 - Huh! Huh! - (SQUELCHING) 285 00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:10,949 - Finished. - (CROWD LAUGHS) 286 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:18,799 Drink? 287 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:20,637 I've got e-mails. 288 00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:29,311 You know that's Gwendolyn Harris? 289 00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:31,828 The Labour candidate. 290 00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:35,072 Did you read my background doc? 291 00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:36,394 Yes. 292 00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:40,548 Why don't you read it tonight? Alone. 293 00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:53,349 I'll swing by about nine, so have your breakfast first... 294 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:55,197 Are you my dad? 295 00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:58,312 Apparently not. See you tomorrow. 296 00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:03,151 TV: Waldo the bear left Monroe in stunned silence. 297 00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:05,873 The colourful Waldo launched his own campaign 298 00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:08,718 in typically loud and crowd-pleasing style... 299 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:13,797 Someone's bold. Do I know you? 300 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:16,149 Nice way to greet a voter. 301 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:17,792 Oh, sorry, I thought you were... 302 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:20,195 Actually, I'm more of a rival. 303 00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:24,438 "Hey, Mr Monroe, Mr Monroe, why you ignoring me, Mr Monroe?" 304 00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:27,040 - You're good at that. - Because I am that. 305 00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:29,913 - What? You're that thing? - Waldo's not a thing... 306 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:31,518 he's a bear. 307 00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:33,710 Liam Monroe calls him worse. 308 00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:35,876 Nice work there, by the way. 309 00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:38,957 Yeah, well. It's dick jokes at his expense basically. 310 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:40,433 Another one? 311 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,198 OK. One. 312 00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:49,556 The way you describe it, it's like you're doing this for a showreel... 313 00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:50,589 No... 314 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:53,108 ...like this place is the equivalent of a walk-on in a sketch show... 315 00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:54,354 Ssh! 316 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:55,799 ...but your party leader has to show up 317 00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:58,035 - because it's a mid-thing... - Mid-term by-election. 318 00:14:58,080 --> 00:14:59,593 Terminology tits. 319 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:02,234 - You are 12! - So, because leaderballs is there, 320 00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:05,078 suddenly it's walk-on in a Ricky Gervais sketch show 321 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:08,112 so it's good exposure. You're not going to win, you know you're not going to win... 322 00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:10,799 - Come on, ssh! - You're not going to win, though. 323 00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,239 Of course not. 324 00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:14,475 So, why not be honest? Say, "You arseholes aren't 325 00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:16,909 "going to vote for me, so here's what I think anyway." 326 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:18,393 - It doesn't work like that. - Nothing does, 327 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:20,351 that's why everything's bollocksed. 328 00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:22,868 You're angry, for someone who's doing well. 329 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:26,196 I'm the voice of a blue bear. 330 00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:27,468 (SHE GIGGLES) 331 00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:30,478 If that's "doing well", then we are doomed! 332 00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:37,193 - I can't see! - Hang on, there's a thing. 333 00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:44,034 Have you had a fox in here or do you live like a 14-year-old? 334 00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:46,275 (SHE LAUGHS) 335 00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:50,475 Well, don't get too excited, I'm not sleeping in it. 336 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:52,476 Shit. Really? 337 00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:55,193 (PANTING AND GROANING) 338 00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:09,754 You're amazing. 339 00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:10,915 Sorry? 340 00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:12,757 You're amazing? 341 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:13,994 Oh, thank you! 342 00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:23,314 (RAIN PATTERS ON WINDOW) 343 00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,789 (HE SIGHS) 344 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:39,998 What's up? 345 00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:41,553 Nothing. 346 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:42,919 Are you sure? 347 00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:49,353 It's just... 348 00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:56,079 ...I haven't been happy in a while... 349 00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:00,833 ...and this is good, you know? 350 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:01,869 Hm. 351 00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:14,878 Can I... have your number? 352 00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,350 Yes! (GIGGLES) 353 00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:39,232 Where's our mark this morning? 354 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:40,679 - We're out on the road. - Oh... 355 00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:42,676 bien sur. 356 00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:50,478 Oh, hello, I'm Mr Monroe. 357 00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:54,149 Vote for me and keep things shitty. 358 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:56,077 Ha-ha-ha-ha! 359 00:17:57,880 --> 00:18:00,678 (PHONE BEEPS) 360 00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:09,993 (PHONE BEEPS) 361 00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:20,632 Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo! 362 00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:22,591 Vote Waldo! 363 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:24,312 Vote Waldo! 364 00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:30,955 - GWENDOLYN: You're right. Strong Tory. - ROY: I warned you. 365 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:33,309 You know you're on Monroe turf when they live so far apart. 366 00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:35,396 (CAR HORN TOOTS) 367 00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:36,919 MAN: I'm voting Waldo! 368 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,397 I met Waldo last night. 369 00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:44,556 Jamie, the guy who plays him. 370 00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:46,158 He's fun. 371 00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:48,077 - Fun? - Mm-hm. 372 00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:52,518 Did you tell him anything about our campaign? 373 00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:54,118 Not really. 374 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:56,594 Not really or no? 375 00:18:57,920 --> 00:18:59,194 Er, not really. 376 00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:01,629 Look, he's OK. 377 00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:05,355 He's a comedian - he's mocking Monroe now, it'll be you next. 378 00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:10,113 His act is all F-this and penis jokes. 379 00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:13,038 - But... - Don't see him again. 380 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:18,069 (PHONE RINGS) 381 00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:22,631 OK. Job done till the husting tomorrow. 382 00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:26,997 Some media students doing a Question Time type thing. 383 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:28,792 They've asked Waldo to join the panel. 384 00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:31,877 Oh, come on. It's my nightmare, going on Question Time. 385 00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:33,319 It's students, you'll walk it. 386 00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:36,079 - I can't answer serious questions... - No-one wants you to! 387 00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:37,951 You're the comic relief, lighten up. 388 00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:53,628 OK. Um, just have a look. I'm sure you'll find lots in there... 389 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:56,353 (PHONE RINGS) 390 00:19:56,400 --> 00:20:00,279 ROY: Are there any particular issues that you're concerned about at all? 391 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:03,516 (BEEPING) 392 00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:18,149 Hey. 393 00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:20,350 - Oh, hi. - I thought we were going to... 394 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:21,799 - Sorry, I've had a tough day... - Right. 395 00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:23,671 - Not even one? - Sorry. 396 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:26,439 Well, what about tomorrow? 397 00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:28,755 Look, I can't... When this is happening, I can't see you. 398 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:30,836 - What do you mean? - I'm sorry. 399 00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:45,476 Do they think that looks like Question Time? 400 00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:47,954 Yeah. It looks politics-y. 401 00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:51,277 Check the host. 402 00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:53,038 Jailbait Dimbleby. 403 00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,920 When it comes to addiction and addicts, 404 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:05,190 we should sympathise, but we shouldn't patronise. 405 00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:08,949 You know, serious drug use is a criminal offence, 406 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:12,231 that is committed voluntarily and for pleasure... 407 00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:15,113 - (AUDIENCE MUTTERS) - Look, I'm sorry, these are the facts. 408 00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:17,993 - Waldo, what do you think? - Mr Monroe, 409 00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:20,429 - are you addicted? - No. 410 00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:21,993 Sorry, I mean, are you a dickhead? 411 00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:25,191 (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) 412 00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:26,719 I think we have to ask ourselves... 413 00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:29,911 I think we have to ask ourselves, what is this for? 414 00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:34,158 And why do we waste our time with animated trivialities 415 00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:35,269 like him? 416 00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:37,629 - I mean, why? - Why? 417 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:41,150 (ON A LOOP) I mean why? I mean why? I mean why? I mean why? 418 00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:42,679 This is just the kind of thing... 419 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,711 - Rather than see you laugh... - They laugh at you, 420 00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:46,193 Limbo. 421 00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:49,152 You laugh, you're laughing at someone who won't engage, 422 00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:53,352 who is scared to engage, who hides behind a children's cartoon. 423 00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:56,039 Who you calling a kiddy toon, fool? 424 00:21:56,080 --> 00:22:01,108 I'm... I'm... I'm speaking about James Salter. 425 00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:02,639 Hm? 426 00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:06,235 - It's your name, isn't it? - Don't worry about it. 427 00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:10,796 A James Salter, this is the man who's behind all this. 428 00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:12,990 He's 33 years old, 429 00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:16,999 a man whose career can be summed up surprisingly quickly. 430 00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:19,270 You were in a sketch troupe 431 00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:21,231 that enjoyed minor success about six years ago, 432 00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:23,874 and the others moved on to better things, 433 00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:26,150 but your main achievement seems to have been 434 00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:27,952 playing the part of a corn on the cob 435 00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:31,072 in a high-interest personal loan commercial. 436 00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:34,271 - (LAUGHTER) - I notice you keep that pretty quiet. 437 00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:37,437 And now of course operating this sort of teddy bear thing. 438 00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:40,074 Which by the way is easier than it looks. Anyone could do it. 439 00:22:40,120 --> 00:22:42,270 See, this is... this is the thing. 440 00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:46,155 It's easy, what he does. 441 00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:48,236 He mocks. 442 00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:50,157 And when he can't think of 443 00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:54,079 an authentic joke, which is actually quite often, he just swears. 444 00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:58,477 I think that this puppet's inclusion on this panel 445 00:22:58,520 --> 00:22:59,919 debases the process of debate, 446 00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:02,679 and smothers any meaningful discussion of the issues. 447 00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:07,111 So I return to my original question - is that really what this is for? 448 00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:11,517 He has nothing to offer and he has nothing to say. 449 00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:13,630 Prove me wrong. Hm? 450 00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:15,238 Speak, Waldo. 451 00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:17,589 Please. 452 00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:19,710 Come on. Speak up. 453 00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:24,477 There, you see, nothing. 454 00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:26,317 Oh, go fuck yourself. 455 00:23:26,360 --> 00:23:28,351 (LAUGHTER) 456 00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:30,231 It's more swearing. 457 00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:32,555 You're a joke. You look less human than I do 458 00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:34,795 and I'm a made-up bear with a turquoise cock. 459 00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:37,354 (LAUGHTER) 460 00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:42,110 What are you? You're just an old attitude with new hair. 461 00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:45,550 Assuming you're my superior because I'm not taking you seriously? No-one 462 00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:47,989 takes you seriously, that's why no-one votes. 463 00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:49,393 - The vast majority do vote. - It's bullshit. 464 00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:50,873 Surely this is enough? 465 00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:53,559 - You think you deserve respect. - Just common courtesy. 466 00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:54,749 Because you went to public school 467 00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:56,711 and grew up believing you're entitled to everything. 468 00:23:56,760 --> 00:23:58,830 - Perhaps we could get back... - Ad hominem nonsense... 469 00:23:58,880 --> 00:23:59,869 Gwendolyn Harris... 470 00:23:59,920 --> 00:24:02,673 Something's got to change. No-one trusts you lot 471 00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:04,631 cos they know you don't give a shit 472 00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:07,274 about anything outside your bubble. What about your mate Gladwell, 473 00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:10,995 the kiddy-flasher? You knew him for 20 years - did you not know what he was like? 474 00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:12,792 No, of course not. 475 00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:17,231 Yeah, cos you're all just front, like him, sly and pretending, 476 00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:19,555 and in that way you're all the same. 477 00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:23,991 Gwendolyn Harris, is all of politics a waste of time? 478 00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:26,156 Well, of course I think no... 479 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,668 Oh, shut up, you're worse! 480 00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:32,718 - Seriously, she's faker than him. - For once, I find myself 481 00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:35,149 agreeing with Liam Monroe in that this really doesn't get us anywhere... 482 00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:36,918 - Are you going to win? ...and there's no point 483 00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:39,076 ...in us continuing... - Tell them why you're here. 484 00:24:39,120 --> 00:24:40,997 ...if we can't have anything... - Tell them why you're here. 485 00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:43,793 ...can't have anything resembling... - Tell them why you're here! 486 00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:47,520 She's here to build a showreel. 487 00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:50,074 I'm not kidding, that's literally it. 488 00:24:50,120 --> 00:24:53,715 No, she's not going to win. This is all experience, to get herself on telly. 489 00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:57,070 She actually gives less of a shit about anyone round here than he does, 490 00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:59,998 because he'll actually have to represent you. Am I wrong? 491 00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:02,235 A career politician. 492 00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:04,271 Someone else less real than me, 493 00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:05,878 and I can do this. 494 00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:08,878 (LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING) 495 00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:10,353 Can I just make a couple of points? 496 00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:12,311 Oh, shut up, you pebble! 497 00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:16,199 What is this for? That's what you wanted to know, Mr Monroe. 498 00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:19,038 And the truth is, none of us know any more, thanks to you. 499 00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:20,115 What are you for? 500 00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:21,718 What are you for? 501 00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:23,079 Thank you 502 00:25:23,120 --> 00:25:26,874 - and good night. - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 503 00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:14,878 (KNOCK AT DOOR) 504 00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:16,353 TAMSIN: Jamie. 505 00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:20,352 Jamie? 506 00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:22,630 Jack's here. He wants to see us. 507 00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:26,638 You can't avoid it. 508 00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:33,433 Get dressed, he'll meet us outside. 509 00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:51,998 TV: And yet accusations of vapidity aside, 510 00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:53,951 it's clearly tapped a nerve. 511 00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:57,037 In just three days, Waldo has gone viral. 512 00:26:57,080 --> 00:27:01,949 The video of his clash has already been viewed over a million times on You Tube. 513 00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:06,676 There are Facebook groups calling on Waldo to form a national party. 514 00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:09,837 WALDO: You're a joke. You look less human than I do 515 00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:13,395 and I'm a made-up bear with a turquoise (BLEEP). What are you? 516 00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:16,079 You're just an old attitude with new hair. 517 00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:18,998 Assuming you're my superior because I'm not taking you seriously? 518 00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:20,598 No-one takes you (BLEEP) seriously. 519 00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:28,551 (CHATTERING) 520 00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:33,230 Oh, look, here he is, the man of the moment! 521 00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:34,952 How does it feel to be a phenomenon? 522 00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:36,274 Shit-ifying. 523 00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:38,595 You are everywhere, my son. 524 00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:41,200 Twitter, the news... Have you seen the poll? 525 00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:43,390 You're in third place, mate. 526 00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:44,953 You overtook that Lib Dem prick... 527 00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:47,673 - Yeah, well, he's a glass of water. - This is an opportunity, Jamie. 528 00:27:47,720 --> 00:27:49,438 He knows my name now. 529 00:27:49,480 --> 00:27:51,516 We could really do something here. 530 00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:53,869 You know, everyone's pissed with the status quo. 531 00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:55,592 And Waldo gives that a voice. 532 00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:58,677 Waldo's a bear. A blue bear. 533 00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:01,393 Tell him, Tams. We've been asked on Consensus. 534 00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:05,711 It's a ten-minute one-to-one interview with Phillip Crane. 535 00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:06,636 Pitbull Crane? 536 00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:09,513 - Big guns for big guns. - Hello? I'm not a politician, OK? 537 00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:10,913 I don't want to be a politician. 538 00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:12,598 We know that you hate politics. 539 00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:13,993 I don't hate them, I'm just not interested in them. 540 00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:16,554 You don't need to be interested in them. 541 00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:18,113 You just need to be Waldo. 542 00:28:19,640 --> 00:28:21,039 And when Crane asks something tricky 543 00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:23,036 and I look stupid because I don't know how to answer? 544 00:28:23,080 --> 00:28:26,390 You'll know the answer because you have a producer. 545 00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:30,194 Look... I can tell you what to say. 546 00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:31,673 I can live Google any facts, 547 00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:34,314 give you stats, quotes, whatever else you need. 548 00:28:34,360 --> 00:28:36,590 So you've got a safety net for the concrete stuff 549 00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:38,995 and the rest is Waldo, and you can do that in your sleep. 550 00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:40,678 You'll piss all over Crane. 551 00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:43,280 He'll know there's a team around me, he'll see it. 552 00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:45,595 Yeah, good. I hope he does. I hope he points a camera at it. 553 00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:48,791 All the other MPs have got teams, we're just more honest about it. 554 00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:51,400 Now, come on. What d'you say? Eh? 555 00:28:54,880 --> 00:28:57,474 - Jamie! Jamie! - Why would I want to do this? 556 00:28:57,520 --> 00:29:00,512 Look, the world is knackered and you can do something about it. 557 00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:01,993 I don't know what you're on about. 558 00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:04,952 Waldo has got the attention of the young, and the young don't give a shit 559 00:29:05,000 --> 00:29:07,992 about anything except trainers and pirating films. 560 00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:10,759 Do you have any other astounding theories about young people? 561 00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:14,270 Yeah, yeah, I do, actually. Look, they care about Waldo. 562 00:29:14,320 --> 00:29:17,118 They'll vote for Waldo. The video was a hit for a reason. 563 00:29:17,160 --> 00:29:19,435 The video's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed by it. 564 00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:21,357 I was lashing out. I wasn't even articulate. 565 00:29:21,400 --> 00:29:23,550 - It doesn't matter. - Or funny, which is almost worse. 566 00:29:23,600 --> 00:29:24,874 We can build on that. 567 00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:26,478 - Waldo's not real. - Exactly! 568 00:29:26,520 --> 00:29:29,717 That's what you said that really hit home. He's not real, 569 00:29:29,760 --> 00:29:31,273 but he's realer than all the others. 570 00:29:31,320 --> 00:29:32,992 He doesn't stand for anything. 571 00:29:33,040 --> 00:29:35,395 Yeah, well, at least he doesn't pretend to. 572 00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:37,749 Look we... we don't need politicians, 573 00:29:37,800 --> 00:29:40,394 we've all got iPhones and computers, right? 574 00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:44,319 So any decision that has to be made, any policy, we just put it online. 575 00:29:44,360 --> 00:29:48,069 Let the people vote - thumbs up, thumbs down, the majority wins. 576 00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:50,953 That's a democracy. That's a... that's an actual democracy. 577 00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:53,753 So's YouTube, and I don't know if you've seen it, 578 00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:58,078 but the most popular video is a dog farting the theme tune to Happy Days. 579 00:30:00,120 --> 00:30:01,917 Well, today it's Waldo. 580 00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:04,633 No. It's still the dog. 581 00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:07,274 Listen, can you imagine all the things we can change 582 00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:09,515 if we fuck the politicians out of the equation? 583 00:30:09,560 --> 00:30:12,120 I've said what I've said and now I'm shutting this door. 584 00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:18,038 Do you know who owns Waldo? 585 00:30:18,080 --> 00:30:21,072 I do, I own the rights. 586 00:30:23,040 --> 00:30:24,598 He's my character. 587 00:30:24,640 --> 00:30:26,995 Yeah, written for my show. 588 00:30:27,040 --> 00:30:30,919 You're too frightened to take it to the next level. Fine. I understand. 589 00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:32,359 But also... 590 00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:33,515 fuck off! 591 00:30:33,560 --> 00:30:35,357 And watch me fly. 592 00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:39,957 You own Waldo, you can't be Waldo. 593 00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:43,788 (MIMICS WALDO) Eh, Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, what's 'appenin'? Eh-eh-eh! 594 00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:47,433 Pretty close, I'd say. 595 00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:54,791 (AS WALDO) What's happenin'? Ahh! 596 00:30:54,840 --> 00:30:57,229 Waldo-rrific, yeah! 597 00:30:57,280 --> 00:30:58,269 Yeah! 598 00:30:58,320 --> 00:30:59,912 (OWN VOICE) Why is he going off left again? 599 00:30:59,960 --> 00:31:02,269 - Because the... - I know! I've got my... 600 00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:04,515 - Put your thumb in the white thing. - In there? OK. 601 00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:06,596 That's not how that works. 602 00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:19,878 First tonight, a figure - or more accurately a character - 603 00:31:19,920 --> 00:31:23,196 who's been causing an upset in the Stentonford by-election. 604 00:31:23,240 --> 00:31:24,798 Unlike the other candidates, 605 00:31:24,840 --> 00:31:28,753 he has no party affiliation. He doesn't even have a surname. 606 00:31:28,800 --> 00:31:33,351 He is Waldo. A few weeks ago, just a cult character in a comedy show. 607 00:31:33,400 --> 00:31:36,949 Today, an official mascot for protest voters. 608 00:31:37,000 --> 00:31:38,558 Vote Waldo. 609 00:31:38,600 --> 00:31:41,592 Cartoons don't play by the rules, and Waldo's open disdain 610 00:31:41,640 --> 00:31:44,200 for his opponents has clearly struck a chord. 611 00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:45,753 Ha-ha-ha! 612 00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:49,473 Waldo, as a mascot for the disenfranchised, aren't you 613 00:31:49,520 --> 00:31:53,399 ultimately neutralising seriously effective dissent? 614 00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:56,591 Can I have subtitles for Mr Crane, please? 615 00:31:56,640 --> 00:31:59,438 By encouraging people not to care, you're actively dangerous. 616 00:31:59,480 --> 00:32:00,515 Dangerous? 617 00:32:00,560 --> 00:32:02,357 - You think the public can't be trusted? - No. 618 00:32:02,400 --> 00:32:04,072 Isn't that basically you calling them twats? 619 00:32:04,120 --> 00:32:05,519 - No, I... - Bell-ends, then? 620 00:32:05,560 --> 00:32:07,676 Did you actually come here for a discussion or... 621 00:32:07,720 --> 00:32:10,757 You're snooty for a glorified Punch and Judy man, Phil. 622 00:32:10,800 --> 00:32:13,439 You know you're gonna get your best ratings in months cos I'm here. 623 00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:16,392 To even get close to the figures I'm gonna pull in for you tonight, 624 00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:19,238 you'd have to fuck a prawn sandwich live on air. 625 00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:21,748 - Make a nice prawn cocktail. - Could we make a serious 626 00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:22,949 political point that is... 627 00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:24,592 I've got one big blue point to make, fool. 628 00:32:24,640 --> 00:32:26,949 - Would you like to have a look at it? - Oh, God. Thank you. 629 00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:29,514 Great work tonight. Look at... Look at this, look at this. 630 00:32:29,560 --> 00:32:32,791 It's the Waldo polling app. Now, this can pinpoint you with GPS 631 00:32:32,840 --> 00:32:36,071 so that when you're at a polling station, it unlocks loads of free shit, look. 632 00:32:36,120 --> 00:32:37,712 Thanks for voting, dickhead! 633 00:32:37,760 --> 00:32:39,830 Thanks for voting, dickhead! 634 00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:41,233 It's good, isn't it? 635 00:32:41,280 --> 00:32:42,713 Who's this guy we're meeting? 636 00:32:42,760 --> 00:32:45,069 I dunno. But he's from Washington 637 00:32:45,120 --> 00:32:47,111 and he's got my restricted number. 638 00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:52,912 Jeff Carter, from the agency. 639 00:32:52,960 --> 00:32:54,632 - Hey. - And I'll leap right in. 640 00:32:54,680 --> 00:32:56,716 I think what you're doing with Waldo is fascinating. 641 00:32:56,760 --> 00:32:59,035 - From "the agency"? - Yeah, listen. 642 00:32:59,080 --> 00:33:02,311 Waldo may be the perfect political figurehead. 643 00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:03,509 Waldo the Bear. 644 00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:06,313 The bear people like. The fact he's a bear is an assist. 645 00:33:06,360 --> 00:33:07,679 An assist? 646 00:33:07,720 --> 00:33:09,153 - It helps. - Right. 647 00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:10,918 You look at human politicians, 648 00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:13,110 you're instinctively like, "brrrr" - uncanny, right? 649 00:33:13,160 --> 00:33:14,513 Like the girls in porn. 650 00:33:14,560 --> 00:33:16,790 You just know something's wrong, cos why else are they doing it? 651 00:33:16,840 --> 00:33:20,549 - It's usually daddy issues, eh? - Just like politics. Waldo bypasses that. 652 00:33:20,600 --> 00:33:23,068 You already know he's not real, so no personal flaws. 653 00:33:23,120 --> 00:33:24,997 I'm a person. 654 00:33:25,040 --> 00:33:26,917 With respect, Waldo's more than you. 655 00:33:26,960 --> 00:33:29,838 He's a team, and you're open about that, 656 00:33:29,880 --> 00:33:32,189 which is fantastic. The honesty thing works. 657 00:33:32,240 --> 00:33:36,756 Waldo is a construct people not just accept, but embrace. 658 00:33:36,800 --> 00:33:39,155 At the moment he's anti-politics, 659 00:33:39,200 --> 00:33:41,760 which is a political stance in itself, right? 660 00:33:41,800 --> 00:33:44,678 But he could deliver any brand of political content, 661 00:33:44,720 --> 00:33:47,154 minus the potential downsides of a human messenger. 662 00:33:47,200 --> 00:33:51,512 In a debate, your team could Google every word the other guy says, 663 00:33:51,560 --> 00:33:53,676 then let Waldo hit him with debunk stats 664 00:33:53,720 --> 00:33:56,792 and spit a Twitter-ready zinger into the next sentence. 665 00:33:56,840 --> 00:33:59,070 He's the perfect assassin. 666 00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:00,519 We won't win, though. 667 00:34:04,440 --> 00:34:05,919 You guys are so British. 668 00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:08,428 No, of course he won't win. 669 00:34:08,480 --> 00:34:10,550 You started out too coarse off the bat. 670 00:34:10,600 --> 00:34:13,160 There's no substantial basis to what you offer, 671 00:34:13,200 --> 00:34:18,115 and the whole nihilist "democracy sucks" thing, yeah, is kind of wack-a-doo, 672 00:34:18,160 --> 00:34:22,597 but with a targeted, hopeful message, which we of course can provide, 673 00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:25,712 energising the disenfranchised without spooking the middle, 674 00:34:25,760 --> 00:34:28,638 via your new platform... 675 00:34:28,680 --> 00:34:32,832 You got a global political-entertainment product people actually want. 676 00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:36,351 You could roll this out worldwide. 677 00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:37,674 Like Pringles. 678 00:34:37,720 --> 00:34:39,392 Absolutely. 679 00:34:44,360 --> 00:34:47,716 It's, er... It's interesting stuff though. 680 00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:49,716 When you're done with Stentonford, 681 00:34:49,760 --> 00:34:52,320 there may be an opportunity in South America. 682 00:34:52,360 --> 00:34:54,112 Se puede hablar espanol? 683 00:34:54,160 --> 00:34:56,549 Viv� en Madrid tres anos. 684 00:34:56,600 --> 00:34:58,272 Excelente. 685 00:35:02,520 --> 00:35:04,476 TV: Yet another viral hit for Waldo 686 00:35:04,520 --> 00:35:07,637 and his encounter with Phillip Crane racked up more... 687 00:35:17,400 --> 00:35:18,594 What? 688 00:35:20,040 --> 00:35:21,268 He's not coming. 689 00:35:21,320 --> 00:35:23,072 But he's the party leader! 690 00:35:24,280 --> 00:35:25,395 It's too toxic. 691 00:35:28,800 --> 00:35:32,270 TV: Meanwhile, as support for Gwendolyn Harris appears to be dwindling, 692 00:35:32,320 --> 00:35:36,199 Labour denies the party is losing faith in their young candidate. 693 00:35:36,240 --> 00:35:39,516 But Miss Harris spent most of the day locked in crisis talks 694 00:35:39,560 --> 00:35:40,595 at party head... 695 00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:41,629 (TV OFF) 696 00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:48,317 RADIO: In the Stentonford by-election, Waldo the cartoon bear continues... 697 00:35:49,560 --> 00:35:51,755 Did you see Gwendolyn Harris yesterday? 698 00:35:51,800 --> 00:35:53,836 She looks like she's been poisoned. 699 00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:56,235 Because he's gonna overtake her. 700 00:35:56,280 --> 00:35:57,633 We're still way ahead. 701 00:35:57,680 --> 00:36:00,990 If that thing is the main opposition, then the whole system looks absurd. 702 00:36:03,680 --> 00:36:05,591 Which it may well be. 703 00:36:05,640 --> 00:36:07,676 But it built these roads. 704 00:36:13,800 --> 00:36:15,756 (KNOCK AT DOOR) 705 00:36:15,800 --> 00:36:17,756 Just come in, Roy. 706 00:36:23,720 --> 00:36:26,792 I'm sorry, OK? 707 00:36:26,840 --> 00:36:29,513 It was wrong to speak to you like that and... 708 00:36:29,560 --> 00:36:31,790 After the campaign, I would've called you. 709 00:36:33,160 --> 00:36:35,230 After the campaign! 710 00:36:35,280 --> 00:36:38,511 All you've done is strengthen Monroe. 711 00:36:38,560 --> 00:36:42,189 You won't win either, but I was at least attempting to represent... 712 00:36:42,240 --> 00:36:45,357 Well I don't know! Not just "bollocks to everything". 713 00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:47,914 If you were preaching revolution, well, that'd be something, 714 00:36:47,960 --> 00:36:50,030 but you're not because that would require courage 715 00:36:50,080 --> 00:36:51,399 and a mindset. 716 00:36:51,440 --> 00:36:53,590 And what have you got? 717 00:36:55,160 --> 00:36:56,434 Who are you? 718 00:36:58,000 --> 00:36:59,592 What are you for? 719 00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:07,634 Morning. 720 00:37:17,720 --> 00:37:19,392 So, final push. 721 00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:21,032 You remind everyone that's got the app 722 00:37:21,080 --> 00:37:24,834 that if they recommend it to a friend it unlocks a little fez for Waldo. 723 00:37:24,880 --> 00:37:26,871 TAMSIN: We're here. 724 00:37:28,840 --> 00:37:31,115 Attention, shoppers. 725 00:37:31,160 --> 00:37:34,630 I'm here to ask you an important favour. Gather round. 726 00:37:34,680 --> 00:37:37,353 Come over here and listen. 727 00:37:39,240 --> 00:37:41,629 Don't vote for me. I'm an insult. 728 00:37:41,680 --> 00:37:44,752 Seriously. Vote for Monroe 729 00:37:44,800 --> 00:37:45,789 or Harris 730 00:37:45,840 --> 00:37:47,114 or, I dunno, UKIP, 731 00:37:47,160 --> 00:37:48,229 or even that 732 00:37:48,280 --> 00:37:49,076 Lib Dem guy. 733 00:37:49,120 --> 00:37:51,634 - He's a prick! - Seriously, 734 00:37:51,680 --> 00:37:54,148 only an arsehole would actually vote for me. 735 00:37:54,200 --> 00:37:55,189 What is this? Irony? 736 00:37:55,240 --> 00:37:57,356 I'm worse than a wasted vote. 737 00:37:57,400 --> 00:37:58,628 He's from the Harris campaign. 738 00:37:58,680 --> 00:38:01,319 I mean it, you idiots! Don't vote for me! 739 00:38:01,360 --> 00:38:03,271 Don't vote for me! Don't vote for me! 740 00:38:03,320 --> 00:38:04,389 Don't vote for... 741 00:38:05,880 --> 00:38:07,359 (MUFFLED SHOUTS) 742 00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:09,356 (CROWD BOOS) 743 00:38:09,400 --> 00:38:10,355 Shut up. 744 00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:11,435 No. Don't boo him, 745 00:38:11,480 --> 00:38:13,436 - he's right, He's right! - What are you doing? 746 00:38:13,480 --> 00:38:16,472 - Resigning. - Jamie! 747 00:38:16,520 --> 00:38:19,114 Look! It's me, I'm Waldo. 748 00:38:19,160 --> 00:38:21,230 This guy, whoever this guy is, he's a hero. 749 00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:23,316 You should throw stuff at Waldo, 750 00:38:23,360 --> 00:38:24,588 - he's bad bloody news. - WOMAN: He's funny! 751 00:38:24,640 --> 00:38:25,550 He's not. 752 00:38:25,600 --> 00:38:28,239 Don't listen to that man, he's a lesbian. Ahh! 753 00:38:28,280 --> 00:38:31,078 - So remember, the polls are open. - (LAUGHTER) 754 00:38:31,120 --> 00:38:34,032 And if you've got my app, you can unlock new stuff, like catchphrases 755 00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:35,399 and a little hat 'n' that. 756 00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:39,479 Only an idiot wouldn't vote for me, so question the status quo! 757 00:38:39,520 --> 00:38:41,272 - Kill it! Kill it! - Kick them where it hurts. 758 00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:43,788 The first man to hit him 759 00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:45,114 gets 500 quid! 760 00:38:45,160 --> 00:38:48,630 Yeah, that's right. Knock him down. Knock him down. 761 00:38:48,680 --> 00:38:50,511 Smash it! 762 00:38:50,560 --> 00:38:52,869 Yeah! Yeah! 763 00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:56,469 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah... 764 00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:08,234 TV: I, the undersigned, being the returning officer 765 00:39:08,280 --> 00:39:10,589 for the Stentonford and Hersham constituency, 766 00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:14,030 hereby give notice that the total number of votes recorded 767 00:39:14,080 --> 00:39:16,310 for each candidate at the election is as follows. 768 00:39:17,360 --> 00:39:20,955 Finch, Simon Arthur. Liberal Democrats. 769 00:39:21,000 --> 00:39:23,275 2,449. 770 00:39:23,320 --> 00:39:26,357 (APPLAUSE) 771 00:39:26,400 --> 00:39:29,870 Harris, Gwendolyn Jodie. Labour. 772 00:39:29,920 --> 00:39:32,354 11,237. 773 00:39:32,400 --> 00:39:35,756 (APPLAUSE AND BOOING) 774 00:39:35,800 --> 00:39:40,032 Monroe, Liam George Tennyson. Conservative. 775 00:39:40,080 --> 00:39:42,640 19,161. 776 00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:45,797 (JEERING) 777 00:39:48,640 --> 00:39:50,835 Waldo, Independent. 778 00:39:54,120 --> 00:39:57,476 16,784. 779 00:39:57,520 --> 00:40:00,034 (BOOING AND SHOUTING) 780 00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:05,279 Ladies... Ladies and gentlemen, please! I declare that Liam Monroe 781 00:40:05,320 --> 00:40:07,914 is duly elected member of Parliament for the constituency. 782 00:40:07,960 --> 00:40:09,757 (BOOING) 783 00:40:09,800 --> 00:40:11,028 Hey, hey! 784 00:40:11,080 --> 00:40:13,389 Everyone! 785 00:40:13,440 --> 00:40:15,795 500 quid to anyone who can lob a shoe! 786 00:40:15,840 --> 00:40:18,400 (CHEERING AND SHOUTING) 787 00:40:45,520 --> 00:40:46,794 Up you get, come on. 788 00:40:47,800 --> 00:40:49,279 Come on! 789 00:40:52,640 --> 00:40:54,631 (MECHANICAL WHIRRING) 790 00:40:57,960 --> 00:40:59,439 Come on. Out you go. 791 00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:13,909 Go on! 792 00:41:32,120 --> 00:41:35,715 (TV COMMENTARY IN JAPANESE) 793 00:41:55,200 --> 00:41:57,316 Oi! 794 00:41:59,040 --> 00:41:59,870 Agh! 795 00:42:01,760 --> 00:42:04,149 - (DULL THUDS) - (GROANS) 62073

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