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1
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(ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)
2
00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:11,119
(FLATLINE TONE)
3
00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:12,513
(CRACKING)
4
00:00:22,920 --> 00:00:25,912
(MUFFLED CHATTER)
5
00:00:34,080 --> 00:00:35,752
(DOOR OPENS)
6
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(CLEARS HIS THROAT)
They're ready for you.
7
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- Gwendolyn Harris. We've met.
- Bournemouth.
8
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- But you don't know the others.
- No, but I'm familiar with you.
9
00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:51,708
Why do you want to be an MP?
10
00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,354
Because I'm not satisfied
with the way things are,
11
00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:57,392
and rather than sit back and moan,
I'd prefer to do something about it.
12
00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:00,152
- (BELL RINGS)
- Go again from the top.
13
00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:01,758
I don't know why anyone's surprised
14
00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:04,519
the world's number one teen idol
has become a Scientologist.
15
00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:08,599
Speed up the autocue, please.
Pop stars do believe in weird things.
16
00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:11,950
Abba believed in angels.
R Kelly believed he could fly...
17
00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:13,228
They said show you this.
18
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:15,191
- This happened just now?
- Mm-hm.
19
00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:16,309
Gladwell?
20
00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:18,794
"Shamed Tory Jason Gladwell resigns" -
21
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capitals -
"over Twitter porn pics scandal."
22
00:01:21,320 --> 00:01:22,753
Oh, so he wasn't hacked after all.
23
00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:25,360
"Originally claimed
his account had been hacked...
24
00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:26,833
"Resignation statement admits
25
00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:29,553
"inappropriate correspondence
with a 15-year-old girl."
26
00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:32,512
So tweeting dick photos
is correspondence now, is it?
27
00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:34,391
"Departure triggers a by-election
28
00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:36,431
"in his Stentonford and Hersham
constituency."
29
00:01:36,480 --> 00:01:39,438
- Well, you get to use the Gladwell stuff.
- Mm-hm.
30
00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:43,393
Bump it all up to the top of
the monologue. Anyone seen Jamie?
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00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:45,351
(PHONE RINGING)
32
00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:50,195
Rach?
33
00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:52,151
You really shouldn't becalling me any more.
34
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:53,997
You need to sort yourself out.
35
00:01:54,040 --> 00:01:55,712
I am.
36
00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:58,228
Focus on Waldo.That's going well for you.
37
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- But it's not...
- He's a hit, Jamie.
38
00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:03,834
"He." Not me, "he".
39
00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:05,472
Just do your show.
40
00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:08,114
- I will. I mean, hon, if you'd just...
- (KNOCK AT DOOR)
41
00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:10,151
- (PHONE RINGS OFF)
- WOMAN: Jamie?
42
00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:12,514
Jamie, hurry up.
43
00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:16,400
WOMAN: What do you know about
Stentonford and Hersham?
44
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Safe Tory seat.
45
00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:21,590
So... realistically, I know
there's not much of a chance, but...
46
00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:24,393
So, it's a stepping stone for you?
47
00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:26,271
Yes.
48
00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:30,629
Obviously, I wouldn't say that
outside of this room, but...
49
00:02:30,680 --> 00:02:32,636
well, you want me to be honest.
50
00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:34,272
There's no point in pretending.
51
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:38,677
Is there anything in your past
that might conceivably cause problems?
52
00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:40,199
No.
53
00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:43,032
Except...
54
00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:46,794
...I did commit a series of murders
in Huddersfield
55
00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:48,751
between '99 and 2003.
56
00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:50,392
But apart from that...
57
00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:56,392
Well, thank you, Gwendolyn.
58
00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:57,998
If you could leave via that door.
59
00:02:58,040 --> 00:02:59,917
Oh, that door?
60
00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:02,349
We like to keep
the candidates separate.
61
00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:04,959
Right, yes.
62
00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:17,638
(MUTTERS) Idiot.
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Idiot!
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00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:24,196
Shamed super groomer and all-round
pillock of the community
65
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:27,312
Jason Gladwell
has resigned as an MP,
66
00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:30,830
saying he could no longer
maintain his position.
67
00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:33,269
That position, presumably,
being hunched over,
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00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:35,515
- wanking madly at school kids.
- (LAUGHTER)
69
00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:36,993
A pal of Gladwell said...
70
00:03:37,040 --> 00:03:39,110
- Are you ready?
- Uh-huh.
71
00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:42,232
...how old the girl wasn't.
That's the sort of
72
00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:45,670
feeble excuse only a naive school kidwould swallow -
73
00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:47,597
which, presumably, was the idea.
74
00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:48,834
(GROANS AND LAUGHTER)
75
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,519
Anyway, the bad news is,he's resigned in disgrace.
76
00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:54,836
The good news is, he's now
free to pursue a full-time career
77
00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:57,519
in the disgraced paedophile industry.
78
00:03:57,560 --> 00:03:59,152
(LAUGHTER)
79
00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:01,714
Personally, I don't understand
why anyone's surprised...
80
00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:03,955
Um, small change to the intro.
81
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:04,989
What?
82
00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:06,758
Nothing huge, just Conor wanted
the Jacko gag
83
00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,153
- for the monologue, so...
- That was my bit.
84
00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:09,758
There's the Chancellor stuff,
you could use that.
85
00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:10,835
Bit politics.
86
00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:12,518
- You can do politics.
- I do piss-taking.
87
00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:14,312
Go be Waldo.
88
00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:16,271
Yes, Commander.
89
00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:17,673
R Kelly believed he could fly,
90
00:04:17,720 --> 00:04:20,712
and Michael Jackson believedthat his doctor was qualified...
91
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,432
(DEEP VOICE)
Big ball blue bear bollocks.
92
00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:23,629
And now it's time
93
00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:26,956
for our final visit to the world
of educational children's programming
94
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courtesy of everyone's favourite,
95
00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:33,310
and only occasionally inappropriate
cool kids' TV character, Waldo.
96
00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:39,000
- Whose mum's in tonight, apparently.
- (LAUGHTER)
97
00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:41,759
Waldo, who have you had
in your cave this week?
98
00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:43,950
Well, Conor, in my big pink
99
00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:46,150
cave this week, I had former
100
00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:47,918
Minister for Culture Liam Monroe.
101
00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:49,678
Oh, he's quite handsome, isn't he?
102
00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:51,676
I was hoping he'd nosh me off!
103
00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:54,029
Want to see how it panned out?
104
00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:55,399
I think we should.
105
00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:57,590
Run VT!
106
00:04:57,640 --> 00:05:00,712
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
107
00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:08,556
(LAUGHTER)
108
00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:11,439
Hey, everybody!
109
00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:14,517
It's Waldo time! Yeah!
110
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Cool! Cool!
111
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Waldo-rrific!
112
00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:20,793
Ha-ha-ha!
113
00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:24,276
Hey, kids,my guest this week is Mr Monroe.
114
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Hello, Mr Monroe.
115
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Hello, Waldo.
116
00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:30,352
Mr Monroe is a politician.
117
00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:36,875
So, what is a politician, Mr Monroe?
118
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Well, a politician is someone
119
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,514
who tries to make the world
a fairer place.
120
00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:42,754
Like Batman.
121
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- Not exactly like Batman.
- Do you beat people up?
122
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No, I don't beat people up.
123
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:49,469
Are you a pussy, then?
124
00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:51,112
(LAUGHTER)
125
00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,674
Well, I'm not sure
I know exactly what...
126
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,075
You don't know what pussy is?
127
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:57,553
(LAUGHTER)
128
00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,434
OK, this is clearly
some kind of joke.
129
00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:04,119
No joke, sorry, let's move on.
130
00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:05,354
Friends again?
131
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(KISSES)
132
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(CHATTERING)
133
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:17,509
Oh, hello, mate, great show.
Well done,
134
00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:18,629
really good.
135
00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:19,874
So, we'll bring him over.
136
00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:21,672
You go and get him,
I'll explain about...
137
00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:22,675
Now, he comes across...
138
00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:24,870
Jamie!
139
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:26,876
(WALDO'S VOICE)
What you want, Miss Tamsin?
140
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:28,876
Behind me, man in glasses
talking to Jack Napier.
141
00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:30,831
- Jack freaks me out.
- Yeah, ditto,
142
00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:33,348
but he owns the company
and the man he's with is important
143
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:35,391
- and wants to talk to you.
- (SIGHS)
144
00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:36,714
He's from the channel.
145
00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:38,113
Go on.
146
00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:40,674
- JACK: Honestly, all I'm saying...
- JIM: Is he shy?
147
00:06:40,720 --> 00:06:42,551
No, all I'm saying is,
he's a terrific guy...
148
00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:45,239
- Jim, Jamie, Jamie, Jim.
- How do you do?
149
00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:47,840
- Jim, Jack, James.
- Jamie.
150
00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:50,314
Jim was just talking about Waldo.
151
00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:54,399
Yeah. Liam Monroe
has lodged a complaint.
152
00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:56,829
- Toys out of the pram.
- And that's?
153
00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:58,359
Good press.
154
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,755
It's so tough to get a breakthrough
these days,
155
00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:02,870
but when it does,
well, it's just fantastic.
156
00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:05,798
It's fantastic the way Waldo puts
the piss up Monroe.
157
00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:09,310
You know, all those twats,
it's punk, it's... it's...
158
00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:12,477
- Jack?
- Excuse me.
159
00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:17,316
Well, Twitter can't get
enough of Waldo, loves him.
160
00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:21,592
Look, I know the show's coming back again
next year, but, um...
161
00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:23,517
we want to see more of Waldo.
162
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:27,195
They want to do a pilot.
163
00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:29,754
- A Waldo pilot?
- Yeah. I mean, how does that sound?
164
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:32,314
Yeah. That sounds good.
165
00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:35,318
Sounds stormin' Norman,
fucking stormin'.
166
00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:37,032
Going to give it to 'em.
167
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,672
(PHONE BEEPS)
168
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SHAUN: Yeah, but look, we can't
do sketches without Waldo.
169
00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:01,352
It's a Waldo pilot,
it's a Waldo show,
170
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:02,913
it's got to be Waldo, Waldo, Waldo.
171
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,599
Realistically, there isn't the budget
for other animations.
172
00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:08,029
I mean live action,
other characters I can do.
173
00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:09,593
What about the Brown Knight?
174
00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:11,551
What, the crap crusader?
175
00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:16,549
We can look into the Brown Knight.
But right now let's find more Waldo ideas.
176
00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:19,792
The problem is, any guests we book
177
00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:23,469
will be in on it. They know that
Waldo's a joke, the surprise is gone.
178
00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:24,748
So, we think round that.
179
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:26,995
- But we can't just...
- TABLET: Hey, boys and girls!
180
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:28,359
It's Waldo time!
181
00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:30,152
Yeah! Ha-ha!
182
00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:32,475
- (LAUGHTER)
- He's awesome, isn't he?
183
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:34,431
- I mean, look...
- Hey, boys and girls...
184
00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:36,914
...sod name in lights,
you're an app now, my brother.
185
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:39,155
Yeah! Ha-ha!
186
00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:41,191
All right, Sara?
How's the think-tanking going?
187
00:08:41,240 --> 00:08:42,355
- Good shit?
- Um...
188
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:45,119
- Yeah, we're making headway.
- Good.
189
00:08:45,160 --> 00:08:47,913
I see our friend Monroe
is in the news again,
190
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:50,633
running in
the Stentonford by-election.
191
00:08:50,680 --> 00:08:51,829
We should get Waldo down there.
192
00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:55,551
Hey, that's not a bad idea,
actually.
193
00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:58,751
We get a van with a screen
with the image of Waldo on the side.
194
00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:00,279
Like it.
195
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:02,754
And then, when Monroe's
doing a meet and greet, we just
196
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:05,268
- turn up and just get under his skin.
- I love that, I love it.
197
00:09:05,320 --> 00:09:07,788
- We've done Monroe.
- But it was a great bit.
198
00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:09,637
I'm not dumb or clever enough
to be political...
199
00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:13,309
Why don't we get Waldo
to stand for the by-election?
200
00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:15,351
- Get people to vote for him?
- He's not real.
201
00:09:15,400 --> 00:09:18,517
But people have stood as fictional
characters before. Do you think
202
00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:20,391
Screaming Lord Sutch was his real name?
203
00:09:20,440 --> 00:09:22,908
We just put "commonly known as"
on the ballot.
204
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:25,076
No-one's actually going to vote for him,
that's not the point.
205
00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:27,554
The point is, we get to hang around,
we're there for the count.
206
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:31,479
(CLICKS FINGERS) Well, go on then, Sara,
whack it up there.
207
00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:49,550
TAMSIN: He's with a mum and baby group.
208
00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:54,037
OK. Going live
in five... four... three... two...
209
00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:57,755
Thank you so much for joining me this
morning. It's been incredibly informative
210
00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:00,951
and I think we should have a little
round of applause for the children,
211
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,911
who were fantastic.
212
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:04,188
Thank you, Naomi.
213
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:06,834
Um... thank you for your time.
214
00:10:10,320 --> 00:10:11,548
Hey!
215
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:14,114
Hey, it's me, Waldo.
216
00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:16,549
Oh, I like your trainers, man!
217
00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:19,068
I'd wear trainers myself
but I can't cos I haven't got feet.
218
00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:21,588
- I've got stumps.
- (ALL LAUGH)
219
00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:22,709
He's out.
220
00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:24,478
Hey, Mr Monroe! Mr Monroe!
221
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:26,988
Hey! Did you get offwith any of the mums?
222
00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:28,712
Where'd you lookwhile they were breastfeeding?
223
00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:31,399
They got big milky tits, Mr Monroe!
224
00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:33,158
He said it!
225
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:35,395
Mr Monroe, don't walk away from me!
226
00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:37,510
- I'm sorry about this, Liam.
- Hey, I'm being snubbed!
227
00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:40,028
Hey, don't ignore me.Don't just get in your car.
228
00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:42,275
It's a death trap anyway,look at it!
229
00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:43,435
Let's find out what we can
230
00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:45,357
- about the idiot inside that thing.
- Sure.
231
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:48,996
Mr Monroe. Oi!
232
00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:51,156
(PHONE RINGS)
233
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:52,713
WOMAN: Stentonford Labour Party.
234
00:10:52,760 --> 00:10:55,832
Right, you've got
a choice of styles,
235
00:10:55,880 --> 00:11:00,954
so just choose one from there.
Then you put your name... in there.
236
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:03,309
This is like bloody Moonpig.
237
00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:05,476
Don't knock the free mail-out.
238
00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:10,797
Bet Liam Monroe doesn't use
some Fisher-Price leaflet app.
239
00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:12,558
He doesn't have to.
240
00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:21,073
Day one of the campaign
in Stentonford and Hersham,
241
00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:23,714
and Tory hopeful Liam Monroe
hits the ground running.
242
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:26,274
The licence fee is something
that's very close to my heart...
243
00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:28,993
WALDO: Mr Monroe, ey! Ooh-ooh-ooh!Look at me, Mr Monroe, please!
244
00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:31,600
Hey, over here! Hey, over here!
245
00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:33,596
Look over here, Mr Monroe,
246
00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:35,596
- look over here!
- The Conservative Party have been, er...
247
00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:38,837
have been arguing for a reduction
in the licence fee for...
248
00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:40,996
- Hey, hey! Good morning, everybody.
- Pardon?
249
00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:42,359
Why you ignoring me, Mr Monroe...
250
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:44,630
- I beg your pardon.
- I'm sorry. It's rather loud.
251
00:11:44,680 --> 00:11:47,194
- Mr Monroe, Mr Monroe...
- We have argued for a further reduction
252
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:49,117
- in the licence fee...
- Why you ignoring me?
253
00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:50,912
Mum with a pushchair -
drag her into it.
254
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,359
Hey, you. Mum with the pushchair.
255
00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:56,359
Yeah, you. Ask Mr Monroewhy he's ignoring me.
256
00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:58,595
Why are you ignoring Waldo?
257
00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:01,234
Mr Monroe,what's Waldo done to you?
258
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:03,271
- Yeah. Answer the lady.
- Who's she?
259
00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:06,073
We should probably just shift
before this turns stupid.
260
00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:08,953
I'm not walking away from a cartoon.
261
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:12,473
I'm not ignoring you.
262
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:14,670
Yeah, you were, you upset me.
263
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:15,914
You made Waldo
264
00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:18,679
sad. Waa-a-a-a-a-ah.
265
00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:25,676
Well, obviously, I'm absolutely
devastated that you're upset...
266
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:27,836
Wa-a-a-a-a-a-a-ah!
267
00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:30,235
(CROWD LAUGHS)
268
00:12:30,280 --> 00:12:31,759
Let him get a word in.
269
00:12:34,560 --> 00:12:37,791
I'm not ignoring you
because there is no you.
270
00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:40,274
You are an image
voiced by a comedian -
271
00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:43,073
- an alleged comedian, more accurately.
- If I'm not real,
272
00:12:43,120 --> 00:12:44,633
why you talking to him?
273
00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:45,430
And by "him"
274
00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:46,674
I mean me, knobber!
275
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:49,154
(CROWD LAUGHS)
276
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:52,476
There's no point in attempting
to converse with a cartoon.
277
00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:54,272
Ooh, "converse", Your Lordship!
278
00:12:54,320 --> 00:12:57,676
Thy flowery language doth give mea right throbbing bone-on!
279
00:12:57,720 --> 00:12:59,438
Uh-ha-ha-ha-huh!
280
00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:00,959
(CROWD GASPS AND LAUGHS)
281
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:02,831
Uh-er-ha-ha!
282
00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:04,836
Ha-ha-ha-ha-uh-uh-uh!
283
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:06,233
Uh-uh-uh-oh!
284
00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:08,510
- Huh! Huh!
- (SQUELCHING)
285
00:13:08,560 --> 00:13:10,949
- Finished.
- (CROWD LAUGHS)
286
00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:18,799
Drink?
287
00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:20,637
I've got e-mails.
288
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:29,311
You know that's Gwendolyn Harris?
289
00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:31,828
The Labour candidate.
290
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:35,072
Did you read my background doc?
291
00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:36,394
Yes.
292
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:40,548
Why don't you read it tonight? Alone.
293
00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:53,349
I'll swing by about nine,
so have your breakfast first...
294
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:55,197
Are you my dad?
295
00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:58,312
Apparently not. See you tomorrow.
296
00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:03,151
TV: Waldo the bear left Monroein stunned silence.
297
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:05,873
The colourful Waldolaunched his own campaign
298
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:08,718
in typically loudand crowd-pleasing style...
299
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:13,797
Someone's bold. Do I know you?
300
00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:16,149
Nice way to greet a voter.
301
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:17,792
Oh, sorry, I thought you were...
302
00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:20,195
Actually, I'm more of a rival.
303
00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:24,438
"Hey, Mr Monroe, Mr Monroe,
why you ignoring me, Mr Monroe?"
304
00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:27,040
- You're good at that.
- Because I am that.
305
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:29,913
- What? You're that thing?
- Waldo's not a thing...
306
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:31,518
he's a bear.
307
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:33,710
Liam Monroe calls him worse.
308
00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:35,876
Nice work there, by the way.
309
00:14:35,920 --> 00:14:38,957
Yeah, well. It's dick jokes
at his expense basically.
310
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:40,433
Another one?
311
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,198
OK. One.
312
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:49,556
The way you describe it, it's like
you're doing this for a showreel...
313
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:50,589
No...
314
00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:53,108
...like this place is the equivalent
of a walk-on in a sketch show...
315
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:54,354
Ssh!
316
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:55,799
...but your party leader has to show up
317
00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:58,035
- because it's a mid-thing...
- Mid-term by-election.
318
00:14:58,080 --> 00:14:59,593
Terminology tits.
319
00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:02,234
- You are 12!
- So, because leaderballs is there,
320
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:05,078
suddenly it's walk-on
in a Ricky Gervais sketch show
321
00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:08,112
so it's good exposure. You're not going to
win, you know you're not going to win...
322
00:15:08,160 --> 00:15:10,799
- Come on, ssh!
- You're not going to win, though.
323
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,239
Of course not.
324
00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:14,475
So, why not be honest?
Say, "You arseholes aren't
325
00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:16,909
"going to vote for me,
so here's what I think anyway."
326
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:18,393
- It doesn't work like that.
- Nothing does,
327
00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:20,351
that's why everything's bollocksed.
328
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:22,868
You're angry,
for someone who's doing well.
329
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:26,196
I'm the voice of a blue bear.
330
00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:27,468
(SHE GIGGLES)
331
00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:30,478
If that's "doing well",
then we are doomed!
332
00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:37,193
- I can't see!
- Hang on, there's a thing.
333
00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:44,034
Have you had a fox in here
or do you live like a 14-year-old?
334
00:15:44,080 --> 00:15:46,275
(SHE LAUGHS)
335
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:50,475
Well, don't get too excited,
I'm not sleeping in it.
336
00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:52,476
Shit. Really?
337
00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:55,193
(PANTING AND GROANING)
338
00:16:08,560 --> 00:16:09,754
You're amazing.
339
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:10,915
Sorry?
340
00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:12,757
You're amazing?
341
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:13,994
Oh, thank you!
342
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:23,314
(RAIN PATTERS ON WINDOW)
343
00:16:32,400 --> 00:16:34,789
(HE SIGHS)
344
00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:39,998
What's up?
345
00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:41,553
Nothing.
346
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:42,919
Are you sure?
347
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:49,353
It's just...
348
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:56,079
...I haven't been happy in a while...
349
00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:00,833
...and this is good, you know?
350
00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:01,869
Hm.
351
00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:14,878
Can I... have your number?
352
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,350
Yes! (GIGGLES)
353
00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:39,232
Where's our mark this morning?
354
00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:40,679
- We're out on the road.
- Oh...
355
00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:42,676
bien sur.
356
00:17:46,280 --> 00:17:50,478
Oh, hello, I'm Mr Monroe.
357
00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:54,149
Vote for me and keep things shitty.
358
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:56,077
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
359
00:17:57,880 --> 00:18:00,678
(PHONE BEEPS)
360
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:09,993
(PHONE BEEPS)
361
00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:20,632
Vote Waldo! Vote Waldo!
362
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:22,591
Vote Waldo!
363
00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:24,312
Vote Waldo!
364
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:30,955
- GWENDOLYN: You're right. Strong Tory.
- ROY: I warned you.
365
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:33,309
You know you're on Monroe turf
when they live so far apart.
366
00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:35,396
(CAR HORN TOOTS)
367
00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:36,919
MAN: I'm voting Waldo!
368
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,397
I met Waldo last night.
369
00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:44,556
Jamie, the guy who plays him.
370
00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:46,158
He's fun.
371
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:48,077
- Fun?
- Mm-hm.
372
00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:52,518
Did you tell him anything
about our campaign?
373
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:54,118
Not really.
374
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:56,594
Not really or no?
375
00:18:57,920 --> 00:18:59,194
Er, not really.
376
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:01,629
Look, he's OK.
377
00:19:01,680 --> 00:19:05,355
He's a comedian - he's mocking Monroe now,
it'll be you next.
378
00:19:07,360 --> 00:19:10,113
His act is all F-this
and penis jokes.
379
00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:13,038
- But...
- Don't see him again.
380
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:18,069
(PHONE RINGS)
381
00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:22,631
OK. Job done
till the husting tomorrow.
382
00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:26,997
Some media students doing
a Question Time type thing.
383
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:28,792
They've asked Waldo
to join the panel.
384
00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:31,877
Oh, come on. It's my nightmare,
going on Question Time.
385
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:33,319
It's students, you'll walk it.
386
00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:36,079
- I can't answer serious questions...
- No-one wants you to!
387
00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:37,951
You're the comic relief, lighten up.
388
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:53,628
OK. Um, just have a look.
I'm sure you'll find lots in there...
389
00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:56,353
(PHONE RINGS)
390
00:19:56,400 --> 00:20:00,279
ROY: Are there any particular issues
that you're concerned about at all?
391
00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:03,516
(BEEPING)
392
00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:18,149
Hey.
393
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:20,350
- Oh, hi.
- I thought we were going to...
394
00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:21,799
- Sorry, I've had a tough day...
- Right.
395
00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:23,671
- Not even one?
- Sorry.
396
00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:26,439
Well, what about tomorrow?
397
00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:28,755
Look, I can't... When this is happening,
I can't see you.
398
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:30,836
- What do you mean?
- I'm sorry.
399
00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:45,476
Do they think
that looks like Question Time?
400
00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:47,954
Yeah. It looks politics-y.
401
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:51,277
Check the host.
402
00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:53,038
Jailbait Dimbleby.
403
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,920
When it comes to addiction
and addicts,
404
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:05,190
we should sympathise,
but we shouldn't patronise.
405
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:08,949
You know, serious drug use is
a criminal offence,
406
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:12,231
that is committed voluntarily
and for pleasure...
407
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:15,113
- (AUDIENCE MUTTERS)
- Look, I'm sorry, these are the facts.
408
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:17,993
- Waldo, what do you think?
- Mr Monroe,
409
00:21:18,040 --> 00:21:20,429
- are you addicted?
- No.
410
00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:21,993
Sorry, I mean, are you a dickhead?
411
00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:25,191
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
412
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:26,719
I think we have to ask ourselves...
413
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:29,911
I think we have to ask ourselves,
what is this for?
414
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:34,158
And why do we waste our time
with animated trivialities
415
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:35,269
like him?
416
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:37,629
- I mean, why?
- Why?
417
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:41,150
(ON A LOOP) I mean why? I mean why?I mean why? I mean why?
418
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:42,679
This is just the kind of thing...
419
00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,711
- Rather than see you laugh...
- They laugh at you,
420
00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:46,193
Limbo.
421
00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:49,152
You laugh, you're laughing
at someone who won't engage,
422
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:53,352
who is scared to engage,
who hides behind a children's cartoon.
423
00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:56,039
Who you calling a kiddy toon, fool?
424
00:21:56,080 --> 00:22:01,108
I'm... I'm...
I'm speaking about James Salter.
425
00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:02,639
Hm?
426
00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:06,235
- It's your name, isn't it?
- Don't worry about it.
427
00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:10,796
A James Salter, this is the man
who's behind all this.
428
00:22:10,840 --> 00:22:12,990
He's 33 years old,
429
00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:16,999
a man whose career can be summed up
surprisingly quickly.
430
00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:19,270
You were in a sketch troupe
431
00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:21,231
that enjoyed minor success
about six years ago,
432
00:22:21,280 --> 00:22:23,874
and the others moved on
to better things,
433
00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:26,150
but your main achievement
seems to have been
434
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:27,952
playing the part of a corn on the cob
435
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:31,072
in a high-interest
personal loan commercial.
436
00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:34,271
- (LAUGHTER)
- I notice you keep that pretty quiet.
437
00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:37,437
And now of course operating
this sort of teddy bear thing.
438
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:40,074
Which by the way is easier than it looks.
Anyone could do it.
439
00:22:40,120 --> 00:22:42,270
See, this is... this is the thing.
440
00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:46,155
It's easy, what he does.
441
00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:48,236
He mocks.
442
00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:50,157
And when he can't think of
443
00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:54,079
an authentic joke, which is actually
quite often, he just swears.
444
00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:58,477
I think that this puppet's inclusion
on this panel
445
00:22:58,520 --> 00:22:59,919
debases the process of debate,
446
00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:02,679
and smothers any meaningful
discussion of the issues.
447
00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:07,111
So I return to my original question -
is that really what this is for?
448
00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:11,517
He has nothing to offer
and he has nothing to say.
449
00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:13,630
Prove me wrong. Hm?
450
00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:15,238
Speak, Waldo.
451
00:23:15,280 --> 00:23:17,589
Please.
452
00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:19,710
Come on. Speak up.
453
00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:24,477
There, you see, nothing.
454
00:23:24,520 --> 00:23:26,317
Oh, go fuck yourself.
455
00:23:26,360 --> 00:23:28,351
(LAUGHTER)
456
00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:30,231
It's more swearing.
457
00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:32,555
You're a joke.You look less human than I do
458
00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:34,795
and I'm a made-up bear
with a turquoise cock.
459
00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:37,354
(LAUGHTER)
460
00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:42,110
What are you? You're justan old attitude with new hair.
461
00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:45,550
Assuming you're my superior because
I'm not taking you seriously? No-one
462
00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:47,989
takes you seriously,that's why no-one votes.
463
00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:49,393
- The vast majority do vote.
- It's bullshit.
464
00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:50,873
Surely this is enough?
465
00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:53,559
- You think you deserve respect.
- Just common courtesy.
466
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:54,749
Because you went to public school
467
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:56,711
and grew up believingyou're entitled to everything.
468
00:23:56,760 --> 00:23:58,830
- Perhaps we could get back...
- Ad hominem nonsense...
469
00:23:58,880 --> 00:23:59,869
Gwendolyn Harris...
470
00:23:59,920 --> 00:24:02,673
Something's got to change.No-one trusts you lot
471
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:04,631
cos they know you don't give a shit
472
00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:07,274
about anything outside your bubble.What about your mate Gladwell,
473
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:10,995
the kiddy-flasher? You knew him for 20
years - did you not know what he was like?
474
00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:12,792
No, of course not.
475
00:24:12,840 --> 00:24:17,231
Yeah, cos you're all just front,
like him, sly and pretending,
476
00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:19,555
and in that way you're all the same.
477
00:24:19,600 --> 00:24:23,991
Gwendolyn Harris,
is all of politics a waste of time?
478
00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:26,156
Well, of course I think no...
479
00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,668
Oh, shut up, you're worse!
480
00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:32,718
- Seriously, she's faker than him.
- For once, I find myself
481
00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:35,149
agreeing with Liam Monroe in that
this really doesn't get us anywhere...
482
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:36,918
- Are you going to win?...and there's no point
483
00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:39,076
...in us continuing...
- Tell them why you're here.
484
00:24:39,120 --> 00:24:40,997
...if we can't have anything...
- Tell them why you're here.
485
00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:43,793
...can't have anything resembling...
- Tell them why you're here!
486
00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:47,520
She's here to build a showreel.
487
00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:50,074
I'm not kidding, that's literally it.
488
00:24:50,120 --> 00:24:53,715
No, she's not going to win. This isall experience, to get herself on telly.
489
00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:57,070
She actually gives less of a shit
about anyone round here than he does,
490
00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:59,998
because he'll actually
have to represent you. Am I wrong?
491
00:25:00,040 --> 00:25:02,235
A career politician.
492
00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:04,271
Someone else less real than me,
493
00:25:04,320 --> 00:25:05,878
and I can do this.
494
00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:08,878
(LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING)
495
00:25:08,920 --> 00:25:10,353
Can I just make a couple of points?
496
00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:12,311
Oh, shut up, you pebble!
497
00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:16,199
What is this for? That's what
you wanted to know, Mr Monroe.
498
00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:19,038
And the truth is, none of us knowany more, thanks to you.
499
00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:20,115
What are you for?
500
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:21,718
What are you for?
501
00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:23,079
Thank you
502
00:25:23,120 --> 00:25:26,874
- and good night.
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
503
00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:14,878
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
504
00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:16,353
TAMSIN: Jamie.
505
00:26:18,760 --> 00:26:20,352
Jamie?
506
00:26:20,400 --> 00:26:22,630
Jack's here. He wants to see us.
507
00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:26,638
You can't avoid it.
508
00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:33,433
Get dressed, he'll meet us outside.
509
00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:51,998
TV: And yet accusationsof vapidity aside,
510
00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:53,951
it's clearly tapped a nerve.
511
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:57,037
In just three days,Waldo has gone viral.
512
00:26:57,080 --> 00:27:01,949
The video of his clash has already beenviewed over a million times on You Tube.
513
00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:06,676
There are Facebook groups calling on Waldoto form a national party.
514
00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:09,837
WALDO: You're a joke.You look less human than I do
515
00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:13,395
and I'm a made-up bear witha turquoise (BLEEP). What are you?
516
00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:16,079
You're just an old attitudewith new hair.
517
00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:18,998
Assuming you're my superiorbecause I'm not taking you seriously?
518
00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:20,598
No-one takes you (BLEEP) seriously.
519
00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:28,551
(CHATTERING)
520
00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:33,230
Oh, look, here he is,
the man of the moment!
521
00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:34,952
How does it feel to be a phenomenon?
522
00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:36,274
Shit-ifying.
523
00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:38,595
You are everywhere, my son.
524
00:27:38,640 --> 00:27:41,200
Twitter, the news...
Have you seen the poll?
525
00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:43,390
You're in third place, mate.
526
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:44,953
You overtook that Lib Dem prick...
527
00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:47,673
- Yeah, well, he's a glass of water.
- This is an opportunity, Jamie.
528
00:27:47,720 --> 00:27:49,438
He knows my name now.
529
00:27:49,480 --> 00:27:51,516
We could really do something here.
530
00:27:51,560 --> 00:27:53,869
You know, everyone's pissed
with the status quo.
531
00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:55,592
And Waldo gives that a voice.
532
00:27:55,640 --> 00:27:58,677
Waldo's a bear. A blue bear.
533
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:01,393
Tell him, Tams.
We've been asked on Consensus.
534
00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:05,711
It's a ten-minute one-to-one interview
with Phillip Crane.
535
00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:06,636
Pitbull Crane?
536
00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:09,513
- Big guns for big guns.
- Hello? I'm not a politician, OK?
537
00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:10,913
I don't want to be a politician.
538
00:28:10,960 --> 00:28:12,598
We know that you hate politics.
539
00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:13,993
I don't hate them,
I'm just not interested in them.
540
00:28:14,040 --> 00:28:16,554
You don't need to be
interested in them.
541
00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:18,113
You just need to be Waldo.
542
00:28:19,640 --> 00:28:21,039
And when Crane asks something tricky
543
00:28:21,080 --> 00:28:23,036
and I look stupid
because I don't know how to answer?
544
00:28:23,080 --> 00:28:26,390
You'll know the answer
because you have a producer.
545
00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:30,194
Look... I can tell you what to say.
546
00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:31,673
I can live Google any facts,
547
00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:34,314
give you stats, quotes,
whatever else you need.
548
00:28:34,360 --> 00:28:36,590
So you've got a safety net
for the concrete stuff
549
00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:38,995
and the rest is Waldo,
and you can do that in your sleep.
550
00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:40,678
You'll piss all over Crane.
551
00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:43,280
He'll know there's a team around me,
he'll see it.
552
00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:45,595
Yeah, good. I hope he does.
I hope he points a camera at it.
553
00:28:45,640 --> 00:28:48,791
All the other MPs have got teams,
we're just more honest about it.
554
00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:51,400
Now, come on. What d'you say? Eh?
555
00:28:54,880 --> 00:28:57,474
- Jamie! Jamie!
- Why would I want to do this?
556
00:28:57,520 --> 00:29:00,512
Look, the world is knackered
and you can do something about it.
557
00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:01,993
I don't know what you're on about.
558
00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:04,952
Waldo has got the attention of the young,
and the young don't give a shit
559
00:29:05,000 --> 00:29:07,992
about anything except trainers
and pirating films.
560
00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:10,759
Do you have any other astounding theories
about young people?
561
00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:14,270
Yeah, yeah, I do, actually.
Look, they care about Waldo.
562
00:29:14,320 --> 00:29:17,118
They'll vote for Waldo.
The video was a hit for a reason.
563
00:29:17,160 --> 00:29:19,435
The video's embarrassing.
I'm embarrassed by it.
564
00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:21,357
I was lashing out.
I wasn't even articulate.
565
00:29:21,400 --> 00:29:23,550
- It doesn't matter.
- Or funny, which is almost worse.
566
00:29:23,600 --> 00:29:24,874
We can build on that.
567
00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:26,478
- Waldo's not real.
- Exactly!
568
00:29:26,520 --> 00:29:29,717
That's what you said
that really hit home. He's not real,
569
00:29:29,760 --> 00:29:31,273
but he's realer than all the others.
570
00:29:31,320 --> 00:29:32,992
He doesn't stand for anything.
571
00:29:33,040 --> 00:29:35,395
Yeah, well, at least
he doesn't pretend to.
572
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:37,749
Look we... we don't need politicians,
573
00:29:37,800 --> 00:29:40,394
we've all got iPhones
and computers, right?
574
00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:44,319
So any decision that has to be made,
any policy, we just put it online.
575
00:29:44,360 --> 00:29:48,069
Let the people vote - thumbs up,
thumbs down, the majority wins.
576
00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:50,953
That's a democracy. That's a...
that's an actual democracy.
577
00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:53,753
So's YouTube, and I don't know
if you've seen it,
578
00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:58,078
but the most popular video is a dog
farting the theme tune to Happy Days.
579
00:30:00,120 --> 00:30:01,917
Well, today it's Waldo.
580
00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:04,633
No. It's still the dog.
581
00:30:04,680 --> 00:30:07,274
Listen, can you imagine
all the things we can change
582
00:30:07,320 --> 00:30:09,515
if we fuck the politicians
out of the equation?
583
00:30:09,560 --> 00:30:12,120
I've said what I've said
and now I'm shutting this door.
584
00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:18,038
Do you know who owns Waldo?
585
00:30:18,080 --> 00:30:21,072
I do, I own the rights.
586
00:30:23,040 --> 00:30:24,598
He's my character.
587
00:30:24,640 --> 00:30:26,995
Yeah, written for my show.
588
00:30:27,040 --> 00:30:30,919
You're too frightened to take it
to the next level. Fine. I understand.
589
00:30:30,960 --> 00:30:32,359
But also...
590
00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:33,515
fuck off!
591
00:30:33,560 --> 00:30:35,357
And watch me fly.
592
00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:39,957
You own Waldo, you can't be Waldo.
593
00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:43,788
(MIMICS WALDO) Eh, Jamie, Jamie,
Jamie, what's 'appenin'? Eh-eh-eh!
594
00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:47,433
Pretty close, I'd say.
595
00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:54,791
(AS WALDO) What's happenin'? Ahh!
596
00:30:54,840 --> 00:30:57,229
Waldo-rrific, yeah!
597
00:30:57,280 --> 00:30:58,269
Yeah!
598
00:30:58,320 --> 00:30:59,912
(OWN VOICE)
Why is he going off left again?
599
00:30:59,960 --> 00:31:02,269
- Because the...
- I know! I've got my...
600
00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:04,515
- Put your thumb in the white thing.
- In there? OK.
601
00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:06,596
That's not how that works.
602
00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:19,878
First tonight, a figure -
or more accurately a character -
603
00:31:19,920 --> 00:31:23,196
who's been causing an upset
in the Stentonford by-election.
604
00:31:23,240 --> 00:31:24,798
Unlike the other candidates,
605
00:31:24,840 --> 00:31:28,753
he has no party affiliation.
He doesn't even have a surname.
606
00:31:28,800 --> 00:31:33,351
He is Waldo. A few weeks ago,
just a cult character in a comedy show.
607
00:31:33,400 --> 00:31:36,949
Today, an official mascot
for protest voters.
608
00:31:37,000 --> 00:31:38,558
Vote Waldo.
609
00:31:38,600 --> 00:31:41,592
Cartoons don't play by the rules,
and Waldo's open disdain
610
00:31:41,640 --> 00:31:44,200
for his opponents
has clearly struck a chord.
611
00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:45,753
Ha-ha-ha!
612
00:31:46,800 --> 00:31:49,473
Waldo, as a mascot
for the disenfranchised, aren't you
613
00:31:49,520 --> 00:31:53,399
ultimately neutralising
seriously effective dissent?
614
00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:56,591
Can I have subtitlesfor Mr Crane, please?
615
00:31:56,640 --> 00:31:59,438
By encouraging people not to care,
you're actively dangerous.
616
00:31:59,480 --> 00:32:00,515
Dangerous?
617
00:32:00,560 --> 00:32:02,357
- You think the public can't be trusted?
- No.
618
00:32:02,400 --> 00:32:04,072
Isn't that basicallyyou calling them twats?
619
00:32:04,120 --> 00:32:05,519
- No, I...
- Bell-ends, then?
620
00:32:05,560 --> 00:32:07,676
Did you actually come here
for a discussion or...
621
00:32:07,720 --> 00:32:10,757
You're snooty for a glorifiedPunch and Judy man, Phil.
622
00:32:10,800 --> 00:32:13,439
You know you're gonna get yourbest ratings in months cos I'm here.
623
00:32:13,480 --> 00:32:16,392
To even get close to the figuresI'm gonna pull in for you tonight,
624
00:32:16,440 --> 00:32:19,238
you'd have to fuck a prawn sandwichlive on air.
625
00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:21,748
- Make a nice prawn cocktail.
- Could we make a serious
626
00:32:21,800 --> 00:32:22,949
political point that is...
627
00:32:23,000 --> 00:32:24,592
I've got one big blue pointto make, fool.
628
00:32:24,640 --> 00:32:26,949
- Would you like to have a look at it?
- Oh, God. Thank you.
629
00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:29,514
Great work tonight. Look at...
Look at this, look at this.
630
00:32:29,560 --> 00:32:32,791
It's the Waldo polling app.
Now, this can pinpoint you with GPS
631
00:32:32,840 --> 00:32:36,071
so that when you're at a polling station,
it unlocks loads of free shit, look.
632
00:32:36,120 --> 00:32:37,712
Thanks for voting, dickhead!
633
00:32:37,760 --> 00:32:39,830
Thanks for voting, dickhead!
634
00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:41,233
It's good, isn't it?
635
00:32:41,280 --> 00:32:42,713
Who's this guy we're meeting?
636
00:32:42,760 --> 00:32:45,069
I dunno. But he's from Washington
637
00:32:45,120 --> 00:32:47,111
and he's got my restricted number.
638
00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:52,912
Jeff Carter, from the agency.
639
00:32:52,960 --> 00:32:54,632
- Hey.
- And I'll leap right in.
640
00:32:54,680 --> 00:32:56,716
I think what you're doing
with Waldo is fascinating.
641
00:32:56,760 --> 00:32:59,035
- From "the agency"?
- Yeah, listen.
642
00:32:59,080 --> 00:33:02,311
Waldo may be
the perfect political figurehead.
643
00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:03,509
Waldo the Bear.
644
00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:06,313
The bear people like.
The fact he's a bear is an assist.
645
00:33:06,360 --> 00:33:07,679
An assist?
646
00:33:07,720 --> 00:33:09,153
- It helps.
- Right.
647
00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:10,918
You look at human politicians,
648
00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:13,110
you're instinctively like,
"brrrr" - uncanny, right?
649
00:33:13,160 --> 00:33:14,513
Like the girls in porn.
650
00:33:14,560 --> 00:33:16,790
You just know something's wrong,
cos why else are they doing it?
651
00:33:16,840 --> 00:33:20,549
- It's usually daddy issues, eh?
- Just like politics. Waldo bypasses that.
652
00:33:20,600 --> 00:33:23,068
You already know he's not real,
so no personal flaws.
653
00:33:23,120 --> 00:33:24,997
I'm a person.
654
00:33:25,040 --> 00:33:26,917
With respect, Waldo's more than you.
655
00:33:26,960 --> 00:33:29,838
He's a team,
and you're open about that,
656
00:33:29,880 --> 00:33:32,189
which is fantastic.
The honesty thing works.
657
00:33:32,240 --> 00:33:36,756
Waldo is a construct
people not just accept, but embrace.
658
00:33:36,800 --> 00:33:39,155
At the moment he's anti-politics,
659
00:33:39,200 --> 00:33:41,760
which is a political stance in itself,
right?
660
00:33:41,800 --> 00:33:44,678
But he could deliver any brand
of political content,
661
00:33:44,720 --> 00:33:47,154
minus the potential downsides
of a human messenger.
662
00:33:47,200 --> 00:33:51,512
In a debate, your team could Google
every word the other guy says,
663
00:33:51,560 --> 00:33:53,676
then let Waldo hit him
with debunk stats
664
00:33:53,720 --> 00:33:56,792
and spit a Twitter-ready zinger
into the next sentence.
665
00:33:56,840 --> 00:33:59,070
He's the perfect assassin.
666
00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:00,519
We won't win, though.
667
00:34:04,440 --> 00:34:05,919
You guys are so British.
668
00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:08,428
No, of course he won't win.
669
00:34:08,480 --> 00:34:10,550
You started out too coarse off the bat.
670
00:34:10,600 --> 00:34:13,160
There's no substantial basis
to what you offer,
671
00:34:13,200 --> 00:34:18,115
and the whole nihilist "democracy sucks"
thing, yeah, is kind of wack-a-doo,
672
00:34:18,160 --> 00:34:22,597
but with a targeted, hopeful message,
which we of course can provide,
673
00:34:22,640 --> 00:34:25,712
energising the disenfranchised
without spooking the middle,
674
00:34:25,760 --> 00:34:28,638
via your new platform...
675
00:34:28,680 --> 00:34:32,832
You got a global political-entertainment
product people actually want.
676
00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:36,351
You could roll this out worldwide.
677
00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:37,674
Like Pringles.
678
00:34:37,720 --> 00:34:39,392
Absolutely.
679
00:34:44,360 --> 00:34:47,716
It's, er... It's interesting stuff
though.
680
00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:49,716
When you're done with Stentonford,
681
00:34:49,760 --> 00:34:52,320
there may be an opportunity
in South America.
682
00:34:52,360 --> 00:34:54,112
Se puede hablar espanol?
683
00:34:54,160 --> 00:34:56,549
Viv� en Madrid tres anos.
684
00:34:56,600 --> 00:34:58,272
Excelente.
685
00:35:02,520 --> 00:35:04,476
TV: Yet another viral hit for Waldo
686
00:35:04,520 --> 00:35:07,637
and his encounter with Phillip Craneracked up more...
687
00:35:17,400 --> 00:35:18,594
What?
688
00:35:20,040 --> 00:35:21,268
He's not coming.
689
00:35:21,320 --> 00:35:23,072
But he's the party leader!
690
00:35:24,280 --> 00:35:25,395
It's too toxic.
691
00:35:28,800 --> 00:35:32,270
TV: Meanwhile, as support for GwendolynHarris appears to be dwindling,
692
00:35:32,320 --> 00:35:36,199
Labour denies the party is losing faithin their young candidate.
693
00:35:36,240 --> 00:35:39,516
But Miss Harris spent most of the daylocked in crisis talks
694
00:35:39,560 --> 00:35:40,595
at party head...
695
00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:41,629
(TV OFF)
696
00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:48,317
RADIO: In the Stentonford by-election,Waldo the cartoon bear continues...
697
00:35:49,560 --> 00:35:51,755
Did you see Gwendolyn Harris
yesterday?
698
00:35:51,800 --> 00:35:53,836
She looks like she's been poisoned.
699
00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:56,235
Because he's gonna overtake her.
700
00:35:56,280 --> 00:35:57,633
We're still way ahead.
701
00:35:57,680 --> 00:36:00,990
If that thing is the main opposition,
then the whole system looks absurd.
702
00:36:03,680 --> 00:36:05,591
Which it may well be.
703
00:36:05,640 --> 00:36:07,676
But it built these roads.
704
00:36:13,800 --> 00:36:15,756
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
705
00:36:15,800 --> 00:36:17,756
Just come in, Roy.
706
00:36:23,720 --> 00:36:26,792
I'm sorry, OK?
707
00:36:26,840 --> 00:36:29,513
It was wrong to speak to you
like that and...
708
00:36:29,560 --> 00:36:31,790
After the campaign,
I would've called you.
709
00:36:33,160 --> 00:36:35,230
After the campaign!
710
00:36:35,280 --> 00:36:38,511
All you've done
is strengthen Monroe.
711
00:36:38,560 --> 00:36:42,189
You won't win either, but I was
at least attempting to represent...
712
00:36:42,240 --> 00:36:45,357
Well I don't know!
Not just "bollocks to everything".
713
00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:47,914
If you were preaching revolution,
well, that'd be something,
714
00:36:47,960 --> 00:36:50,030
but you're not
because that would require courage
715
00:36:50,080 --> 00:36:51,399
and a mindset.
716
00:36:51,440 --> 00:36:53,590
And what have you got?
717
00:36:55,160 --> 00:36:56,434
Who are you?
718
00:36:58,000 --> 00:36:59,592
What are you for?
719
00:37:06,360 --> 00:37:07,634
Morning.
720
00:37:17,720 --> 00:37:19,392
So, final push.
721
00:37:19,440 --> 00:37:21,032
You remind everyone
that's got the app
722
00:37:21,080 --> 00:37:24,834
that if they recommend it to a friend
it unlocks a little fez for Waldo.
723
00:37:24,880 --> 00:37:26,871
TAMSIN: We're here.
724
00:37:28,840 --> 00:37:31,115
Attention, shoppers.
725
00:37:31,160 --> 00:37:34,630
I'm here to ask you an important favour.Gather round.
726
00:37:34,680 --> 00:37:37,353
Come over here and listen.
727
00:37:39,240 --> 00:37:41,629
Don't vote for me. I'm an insult.
728
00:37:41,680 --> 00:37:44,752
Seriously. Vote for Monroe
729
00:37:44,800 --> 00:37:45,789
or Harris
730
00:37:45,840 --> 00:37:47,114
or, I dunno, UKIP,
731
00:37:47,160 --> 00:37:48,229
or even that
732
00:37:48,280 --> 00:37:49,076
Lib Dem guy.
733
00:37:49,120 --> 00:37:51,634
- He's a prick!
- Seriously,
734
00:37:51,680 --> 00:37:54,148
only an arsehole
would actually vote for me.
735
00:37:54,200 --> 00:37:55,189
What is this? Irony?
736
00:37:55,240 --> 00:37:57,356
I'm worse than a wasted vote.
737
00:37:57,400 --> 00:37:58,628
He's from the Harris campaign.
738
00:37:58,680 --> 00:38:01,319
I mean it, you idiots!Don't vote for me!
739
00:38:01,360 --> 00:38:03,271
Don't vote for me!
Don't vote for me!
740
00:38:03,320 --> 00:38:04,389
Don't vote for...
741
00:38:05,880 --> 00:38:07,359
(MUFFLED SHOUTS)
742
00:38:07,400 --> 00:38:09,356
(CROWD BOOS)
743
00:38:09,400 --> 00:38:10,355
Shut up.
744
00:38:10,400 --> 00:38:11,435
No. Don't boo him,
745
00:38:11,480 --> 00:38:13,436
- he's right, He's right!
- What are you doing?
746
00:38:13,480 --> 00:38:16,472
- Resigning.
- Jamie!
747
00:38:16,520 --> 00:38:19,114
Look! It's me, I'm Waldo.
748
00:38:19,160 --> 00:38:21,230
This guy, whoever this guy is,
he's a hero.
749
00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:23,316
You should throw stuff at Waldo,
750
00:38:23,360 --> 00:38:24,588
- he's bad bloody news.
- WOMAN: He's funny!
751
00:38:24,640 --> 00:38:25,550
He's not.
752
00:38:25,600 --> 00:38:28,239
Don't listen to that man,he's a lesbian. Ahh!
753
00:38:28,280 --> 00:38:31,078
- So remember, the polls are open.
- (LAUGHTER)
754
00:38:31,120 --> 00:38:34,032
And if you've got my app, you canunlock new stuff, like catchphrases
755
00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:35,399
and a little hat 'n' that.
756
00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:39,479
Only an idiot wouldn't vote for me,
so question the status quo!
757
00:38:39,520 --> 00:38:41,272
- Kill it! Kill it!
- Kick them where it hurts.
758
00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:43,788
The first man to hit him
759
00:38:43,840 --> 00:38:45,114
gets 500 quid!
760
00:38:45,160 --> 00:38:48,630
Yeah, that's right. Knock him down.Knock him down.
761
00:38:48,680 --> 00:38:50,511
Smash it!
762
00:38:50,560 --> 00:38:52,869
Yeah! Yeah!
763
00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:56,469
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah...
764
00:39:05,640 --> 00:39:08,234
TV: I, the undersigned,being the returning officer
765
00:39:08,280 --> 00:39:10,589
for the Stentonford and Hershamconstituency,
766
00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:14,030
hereby give notice thatthe total number of votes recorded
767
00:39:14,080 --> 00:39:16,310
for each candidate at the electionis as follows.
768
00:39:17,360 --> 00:39:20,955
Finch, Simon Arthur.Liberal Democrats.
769
00:39:21,000 --> 00:39:23,275
2,449.
770
00:39:23,320 --> 00:39:26,357
(APPLAUSE)
771
00:39:26,400 --> 00:39:29,870
Harris, Gwendolyn Jodie. Labour.
772
00:39:29,920 --> 00:39:32,354
11,237.
773
00:39:32,400 --> 00:39:35,756
(APPLAUSE AND BOOING)
774
00:39:35,800 --> 00:39:40,032
Monroe, Liam George Tennyson.Conservative.
775
00:39:40,080 --> 00:39:42,640
19,161.
776
00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:45,797
(JEERING)
777
00:39:48,640 --> 00:39:50,835
Waldo, Independent.
778
00:39:54,120 --> 00:39:57,476
16,784.
779
00:39:57,520 --> 00:40:00,034
(BOOING AND SHOUTING)
780
00:40:01,320 --> 00:40:05,279
Ladies... Ladies and gentlemen, please!I declare that Liam Monroe
781
00:40:05,320 --> 00:40:07,914
is duly elected member of Parliament
for the constituency.
782
00:40:07,960 --> 00:40:09,757
(BOOING)
783
00:40:09,800 --> 00:40:11,028
Hey, hey!
784
00:40:11,080 --> 00:40:13,389
Everyone!
785
00:40:13,440 --> 00:40:15,795
500 quid to anyonewho can lob a shoe!
786
00:40:15,840 --> 00:40:18,400
(CHEERING AND SHOUTING)
787
00:40:45,520 --> 00:40:46,794
Up you get, come on.
788
00:40:47,800 --> 00:40:49,279
Come on!
789
00:40:52,640 --> 00:40:54,631
(MECHANICAL WHIRRING)
790
00:40:57,960 --> 00:40:59,439
Come on. Out you go.
791
00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:13,909
Go on!
792
00:41:32,120 --> 00:41:35,715
(TV COMMENTARY IN JAPANESE)
793
00:41:55,200 --> 00:41:57,316
Oi!
794
00:41:59,040 --> 00:41:59,870
Agh!
795
00:42:01,760 --> 00:42:04,149
- (DULL THUDS)
- (GROANS)
62073
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