All language subtitles for Whitney s01e18 Homeland Security.eng

This is so depressing.

I was almost married.

I was so close to being done.

Living a life of no makeup,
wearing flats,

being on the bottom.

Maybe I was wrong about marriage,

it sounds awesome.

Look, don't worry, Lil.

I mean, it's normal to feel this way.

It's not normal to make us
put on these dresses

and sing Kanye West.

But, you know what?
Anything to help you get over Neal.

Uh, uh, uh.

I told you, no one is allowed
to say "the n word"

in this apartment.

Shouldn't no one say
"the n word," ever?

Then we should probably
stop singing Kanye West.

You know what?
I'm over it.

I'm not even thinking about it.

Someone pass me another Neal.

Uh, I mean, a beer.

Okay, let's just focus
on the positive, okay?

- Mm-hmm.
- I mean, I just got out

of a relationship too,
we've never been

single at the same time,
this could be fun.

- Ah, I don't know.
- No, it'll be good.

You guys can go to clubs,
and you can do "special k,"

and, um, you can have sex
with European backpackers.

Okay, I haven't been single
in a while.

You know what?
You guys are right.

I've got to get out
of this apartment.

Take my mind off of him.

Yes, yes, see?

Good, we'll go out tonight.

Yes.

I mean, I'm already buzzed
and wearing spanx.

I think that's the name
of Chelsea handler's new book.

Hmm, yeah.

Whitney is taped in front
of a live studio audience.

Don't lie, staying with me has
been pretty awesome, right?

Yeah, this couch is
surprisingly comfortable.

Come on, dude, we both know
you're not here for the couch.

You're here because your heart
just got its ass kicked.

Right in the balls.

And of all the people that you
know, you came to me.

Well, I didn't want to impose
on Alex and Whitney, and...

Bup bup bup bup bup.

I'm just happy somebody
finally recognized

I'm the emotional go-to guy
for our group.

I was actually just about
to say that I...

Shh.

Look, I used to be
just like you, okay?

Shut down, always trying
to be the tough guy.

Do you know how many times
I cried in a helmet?

I'm fine.

Your engagement broke off last week.

Now you're sleeping
on the couch of a guy

whose middle name you
probably don't even know.

Patrick.

Fine, we're best friends.

But you can't tell me you're
not hurting right now.

Look, honestly, I don't
know how I'm feeling, okay?

There's a lot of things going
on in my mind right now,

and I just need
to sort some things out.

We will, I promise you.

Two nights on my couch and
I will get inside of you.

Feel like we got off
to a weird start.

It's so nice out.

I know.

Walking outside, in the fresh air...

We should get a treadmill.

You know, it's so weird that
lily and Neal actually broke up.

I know, it's a classic story.

Couple falls in love,
decides to get engaged,

disaster and heartbreak follow.

What kind of fairy tales
were you read as a kid?

My favorite one was called
"eviction notice,"

where the princess had
to move to a new castle.

- Ah.
- Mm-hmm.

Did your dad ever hug you?

Aw, come here.

Mm, not like that.

Well, I can think
of some other things

your dad never did to you.

- Okay, first of all, ew.
- Mm.

Second of all, ew.

And third of all, sex in public
never goes according to plan.

That's true.

You always just realize how much
gravel there is in the world.

All right, nice and calm,

hand over your wallet and your purse.

Okay, man, look,
just take it easy, okay, I...

Wow.

Oh, my God, thank God you're okay!

Are you okay?

I don't know, my girlfriend
stood me up at a mugging.

I can't believe you
just stayed with him.

I didn't just stay with him.

He's not an injured bird, Whit.

He kind of made
my attendance mandatory.

Okay, why didn't you call me?

Ah, the mugger wouldn't
let me borrow the phone

that he mugged from me.

Why did you run?

That's what you're supposed to do.

That is not at all
what you're supposed to do.

Even the mugger thought
that was weird.

Everybody knows that when
a couple gets mugged,

you're supposed to run
in opposite directions.

He can't shoot both of you.

No, just the guy still
standing there next to him.

I thought you knew what to do.

I do.

You do whatever the guy with
the gun is telling you to do.

Give me the phone,
I need to call the police.

Why? We're fine.

I'm not fine!
I was mugged!

Because you didn't run.

It's like you have
the brain of a deer.

Running works, okay?

I learned at a very early age,
you don't try to be the hero.

Okay, I ran from bullies,
I ran from cops,

I ran from feelings.

Okay, I have very
good survival instincts.

If it wasn't for those,
I would have been

moshed to death at the warped tour.

Okay, survival instincts,
yeah, all right.

What are you supposed to do
when there's a tornado coming?

Run.

Where?

Away.

No, you're supposed
to go into the basement.

Wha... go to the basement?

Where the laundry is?

What am I, gonna do a load of whites?

All right, well what about
if there's an earthquake?

Run.

Again, with the running.

You know, it's times like
this where you really

see someone's true colors.

Is that a song?

No, it's a real emotion,
Whitney, all right?

You know that we're in
a relationship, right?

We're supposed to be together,
we're supposed to be a team.

Yes, we're on a team.

It's called "team stay alive."

Okay, teammate, can you
tell me one situation

where your first thought
wouldn't be to run?

I guess if I had
a bomb strapped to me.

Thatwhen you'd stay with me?

Come on, man, let it out.

What you feeling?

Mark, I don't...

Dude, for the last time,
don't tell me, tell her.

Again, Mark, that picture
makes me really uncomfortable.

Good, go with that.

Why does it make you uncomfortable?

Because I've never seen it before,

and I don't know where you got it.

I'm sensing anger.

Let's give it a place to go.

Rip out a few sets
on the muscle-maker.

No.

Break something.

Just don't break anything that's...

You know what?
Just break my nose.

Look, Mark,

I can't give you
what you're looking for,

because the things that I'm
feeling I can't put into words.

And that's the problem with people.

We want to use words,
and words are dumb.

You know how the grizzly
bear processes loss?

Yeah, I think they go
to sleep for like six months,

and nobody bothers them.

The grizzly bear climbs
to the top of the nearest hill,

and it roars, Neal.

Neal, this is your hill.

Yeah, I am not going to...

Yah!

Oh, that feels so good.

Hoo-ah!

My friend, you have
lost your she-bear.

And I am not going to stop
until I hear you roar.

Naa-ah!

Ah.

Ah.

Ow.

Ah, oh, no.

Uck, oh, no.

Oh, no.
Is that blood?

Or wine?

Wait, blood or wine?

Blood or wine?

Uh, that's wine.

That's blood.

We had fun last night.

Uh, why are you wearing
my wedding dress?

It was the only way to keep
you from putting it on again.

Whoa, why am I sore?

Did we get drunk and do Pilates?

No, we did jump in that guy's
convertible, and you missed.

Oh, I was wrong.

That is blood.

Whoa, I sent some texts
I am going to regret.

Who is Johan?

I was texting all night

with some guy named Johan.

I gotta go home and rehydrate
so I can cry.

No, no, no, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, don't go, no.

You're single, I'm single,
our day is free, right?

We could go to spin class, or
biking, or horseback riding...

Wh... why do you hate my vagina?

Ah, all right, just let me get out

of this blood-soaked wedding dress.

And that is not the first time
I've said that sentence.

Okay, so that's Johan.

He's bleeding too.

Ah.

Surprise!

I got us an alarm system.

Yeah, that's an awesome
thing to do to a guy

who just got mugged.

Scare him in his own house.

What would you do to a rape victim?

Sign them up for speed dating?

Okay, this is my way of showing you

that we are on the same team, okay?

We are now prepared
in case of all emergencies.

You bought an alarm system
without telling me?

Well, you couldn't pay for it,
because you don't have a wallet.

And I couldn't call you, because
you don't have a cell phone.

And you couldn't be closer
to not having a boyfriend.

We just bought a bed together.
You're not going anywhere.

Okay, so we have an alarm
for intruders, one for fire,

and one for when you cry.

Whit, I think
that water droplet means flood.

I don't think so.

Okay, so I googled "escape
plans," and the first thing

we do if there's a fire
in the middle of the night

is wake each other up.

And then we feel the door
to see if it's hot.

If it is, we go down
the fire escape together,

together,

and once we are safely outside,
we talk to a news crew

and hope they auto-tune us later.

Aw, you googled something besides,

"Maria Menounous, what's your job?"

Fire! Fire!

Good, you're up.

That door's not hot, so we can go.

What is wrong with you?

What happened to your plan
and all this talk

about us working together?

Okay, I can't believe you tested me.

I can't believe your answer
to the test

was to push me into the fire!

Not only did you run,
and not save me,

you made it harder for me
to save myself

by body-checking me into the wall.

Okay, well, to be fair,

in a fire, your hair products

put you in much more
danger than I do.

Look, these past few days made
me realize something, all right?

People are either
"fight" or "flight."

I'm "fight,"

and you're... you're "flight."

Okay, I'm "fight" too.

I hit you on the way out.

Do you really not
see the problem here?

Okay, I don't know what it is, okay?

This is all I know.

It's like I was raised by wolves.

No, you weren't.
Wolves stay in a pack.

You know what?
Look, I guess it's fine,

it's just, when it comes
to emergency situations,

I'm on my own.

Come on, that is not true, all right?

We are a team.

We're like Sonny and Cher.

Cher left Sonny, and then Sonny died.

On a Mountain, in an emergency.

I think Jack Daniels is a racist,

because he does not get along
with Jose Cuervo.

Oh, come on, it's 11:00,
we've got to move

or we're going to be late
for our emotional cooking class.

Okay, Lil, you know what,
we've been on

a three day bender.

Going out and drinking all night,

and doing stuff off
daily candy all day.

I mean, I never thought
I'd say this, but...

I actually miss being
alone with my thoughts.

I don't.

We're having so much fun.

Okay, Lil, I'm tired, all right?

I'm sorry, but I can't
do this anymore.

I think I'm too old
to be an alcoholic.

And I am definitely too old to be

grinding teenagers in "da club."

Oh, well, that's okay.

I mean, there's plenty
we can do without drinking.

Can I just say three words to you?

Architectural boat tour.

Lil, I feel like maybe you're
trying a little too hard

to keep your mind off Neal.

Oh, pft, don't be ridiculous.

I'm completely fine.

Should I get braces?

Honestly, I saw an infomercial,
it really got me thinking.

Oh, my God, it's Neal.

He's on his way,
he wants to pick up his key.

I don't want to see him.
We've gotta get out of here.

I've got to go, grab my uggs!

Lil, Lil, stop, stop, stop.

Look, I know this sucks.

But you can't just run from this.

Or drink from this.

Or yoga from this,
or invisalign from this.

I'm not.

I'm just keeping busy.

And taking advantage of my groupons.

Come on, Lil.

I see what you're doing.

You don't want to be alone
in this apartment.

You're attached at the hip
with a best friend,

you're trying to drink away
the pain of a breakup,

I mean, you're not dealing
with reality.

How do you know?

Because I'm doing it too.

Only, in my case it's even sadder,

because I have not changed
my underwear in three days.

Yeah, you're right, I have to deal.

I've got to cancel
all the wedding stuff,

and find a new place.

Can I live with you?

Wow, that's aggressive.

But, uh, yeah.
Will you, please?

I don't want to go home alone.

All right, Johan, grab your passport.

The party's moving.

All right, all right,
I got our drinks.

And look what else I got.

Michelle, here, works for Ticketron,

and penny is currently
suing a major airline.

You guys should have plenty to
talk about, because Neal here

has bought tickets for an airplane.

What are you doing?

I am sending you to "pound town."

I don't want to go there.

Ladies, excuse us.

Before you say anything,

I'm comfortable with any combination.

Look, Mark, I'm not
in the mood to hook up

with a random stranger.

They're not random.

I hand-picked them.

Look, when you go through
a break up, your body

stops producing dopamine,
and serotonin.

You know what it does
not stop producing?

Sperm.

Let the pain, and the sperm, out.

Look, there is no pain, okay?

I mean, there should be,
but there isn't.

I should be devastated.

But, I'm not, I'm...

I'm mostly just relieved.

And it's nothing.

That's not nothing.
Nothing is something.

Feeling nothing is what... it's
what being a guy is all about.

Go with that.

Okay.

I feel a little ashamed
that I feel relieved.

Because I should feel terrible,
and I don't.

And you're right,
it does feel good to say that.

Dam... broken!

Go-to guy!

Hey, girls! I did it.

I broke this dude's dam.

Hey, I'm going to bed.

Okay, I love you.

You can sleep outside if it
makes you feel more comfortable.

Oh, and make sure to close
the window so the alarm sets.

I got it.
See? Go team!

Uh, or you can just keep it
open, in case there's a fire,

so you can just throw me out of it.

I love you.

Ugh.

Oh, balls.

Oh, my God, a squirrel!
Aah!

Okay, calm down.

I... I can't.

You know I hate rats.

Okay, it's just a squirrel.

No, no, squirrels are just sexy rats.

Everybody knows that.

I think it touched my leg, ugh.

Where is it?

I don't know, I don't know,

all I feel is a squirrel touch, ugh.

Okay, it's fine, all right?

It is much more scared of us
than we are of it, all right?

It just wants something to eat,
and then it's going to leave.

Let's just make a path of chips
to the window so it can get out,

but we can't feed
it anything too nice

or else we will never
be able to get rid of it.

Okay, well, that was
my mistake with you.

Well, hello there.

Mr. Squirrel, I know exactly
how you feel.

I hate people too.

Come on.

Come on.

I've been in the same situation.

Stuck in a strange guy's bedroom,

just looking for some nuts.

Come on.

Come on.

Dude.

Bam.

Oh, my God, that was awesome.

How did you know how to do that?

I was raised on a lot of cartoons.

Who was the guys, the, um...

The... Chucky, and Bucky.
Bucky?

Who?

Chuck... no, Chuck, and the guy
with the, the, the...

Are you talking about
rocky and Bullwinkle?

Yes.

Do you know them?

They were basically my parents.

Oh, yeah, I keep forgetting
you were raised in the wild.

Well, not actually that you
were raised in the wild,

but more that you were, just,
kind of not raised at all.

But, uh, hey, this is the
first time it came in handy.

I don't know what to tell you.

You fell in love with a hood rat.

Hood rat.
Huh.

Oh, my God, you don't even
know what are animals

and what aren't.

Okay, can we please just focus
on the fact that in that moment

we just made a pretty good team?

Well, yeah, I don't know,
I didn't do much.

Well, that's what a team is.

You're not supposed to have
the same strengths, you know.

You're supposed to trade off.

Like, with the squirrel,
I was strong,

and with the mugger,
you basically hung out with him

and played Wii.

You know, I'd like to
see how brave you'd be

if the little squirrel
pulled out a tiny gun

and asked you for your wallet.

If the squirrel pulled out a tiny gun

and asked for my wallet,
we would be millionaires.

Okay, in a hundred-meter sprint,

I am beating you every time.

In high school
my nickname was "fast Whitney."

Look, I'm sure that's true,
but I'm talking about

physical speed, all right?

I'm pretty sure that
I'm faster than you.

Okay, you do a lot of things fast,

but running is not one of them.

All right, look, we're not
having this discussion

right now, all right?

Men are faster than women,
end of story, good night.

- Really?
- Really.

All right, on your marks, get set...

Go!

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