Original subtitles

Good morning!

- Lukewarm coffee for you. - Hey, Whit.

Do you have any interest in being

a totally different person?

I'm listening.

Well, you know, we just finished that whole story

on the body enhancement thing,

and I don't know what to do with all this leftover stuff.

What is this, a fake butt?

Is this what Tyler Perry used to make Madea?

Yeah.

Well, apparently, we're supposed to starve ourselves

and then go to the gym and then pay $47

to replace the weight we lost.

Hmm. What is this?

That is the Sandkini.

Hmm, "a bra filled with sand

that triples your cup and gives you realistic breasts."

Why does everyone hate women?

Ugh, it's Lance.

Why is he calling you? You guys broke up a week ago.

Because he wants the rest of his stuff back,

- and I don't want to talk to him. - Mm.

And I don't want to talk about it.

Okay, well, my offer still stands to kill him.

No, then I'd have to give you the day off.

Wow, you are really good at that.

I was homeless for, like, four days

and a slut for, like, six years.

Whoa.

I have boobs...

And self-esteem...

And options.

Oh, oh, listen. I'm even talking quieter.

I suddenly don't feel the need to overcompensate

by being loud.

Delivery for Roxanne Harris.

I got it. I'm her assistant.

- How are you today? - Fine, thanks.

Pretty handwriting.

I'm Howard.

I'm busy.

Hey, busy.

Okay, we're not doing this, Howard.

In here we are.

What?

Unbelievable.

Wow, it is a whole new world

when you have a "d" cup.

These are amazing.

Now I get why Katy Perry loves God so much.

Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience, so...

Lily, I didn't say that we have to get a prenup.

Okay, I am hearing you.

I am receiving you. I am rejecting you.

Because when you say "prenup,"

I hear, "our marriage is going to fail."

It's just something that my parents mentioned,

and I thought it made sense.

Why are you so in love with your parents?

You're, like, obsessed with them.

You know, we're going in circles here.

A prenup is like having car insurance.

You get it even though you don't plan on getting in an accident.

Okay, well, that's a terrible metaphor

because I'm a bad driver.

I don't need insurance on my relationship

because I'm excellent at love.

Okay, okay, well, you've been in other relationships before

that you probably thought were never going to end.

Those were different.

Most of my other relationships started at Coachella.

Look.

Marriage should be about love and romance.

And planning and responsibility.

Okay, Neal, I feel like we're going in circles here.

The circles thing is my thing. I just said that.

You don't own circles.

You see, this is my point.

I want to share everything with you.

I believe what's mine is yours.

Lil, in all fairness, pretty much all you own

are tiny blazers and tights.

Well, I think this is ridiculous and insane,

and I'm done talking about it.

And thank you for calling me tiny.

- Hey! - Hey.

I have the funniest thing to show you.

Roxanne got a sand bra at work.

Check it out.

Whoa, those are crazy.

I know, right?

I got out of a parking ticket. I got a free latte.

I feel like I could sing anything right now,

and it would go to number one.

Wow. Well, what do they feel like?

Mm, see for yourself.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

All right, all right.

I'm, like, so nervous. I don't know.

- Oh, my God, they feel weird. - I know.

- They feel so weird. - I know.

What? They feel weird.

They're feeling less weird. It feels less weird.

Okay, I'm gonna take this off.

I think it's sanding off the little boob

I actually have, so...

Oh, hey, hey, little lady. Where's the fire?

Huh?

What are you d... are you getting turned on right now?

Ah, what? No.

Yo, Whit.

Oh, what the hell?

Good morning.

What are you doing, you weirdo?

Well, yeah, I don't know. I get... I had... I just...

I had fun last night.

You want to put that bra on again?

I don't even know where it is.

Oh, yeah, I think I saw it somewhere over...

Oh, wait. Yeah, here it is.

Ooh.

Ah.

Seriously?

I don't know, it's fun. It's stupid, yeah.

But it's like... I don't know.

It's like I'm getting to have sex with someone else.

{pub}OK, that obviously came out wrong.

I would give anything to just l...

If you let me take that back and say it in a different way.

Go for it.

Okay, uh, it... It's like having sex with you,

only more...

Fun.

No.

Wow.

Oh, God, okay, th-that's not what I meant to say.

Um, okay, you know what? It's like...

It's like having sex with you.

You, you. Okay?

Wait, you know when, like, you're together with somebody

for a long time, and you get tired of their body?

Okay, how about the one time you had strep throat, okay,

and I got you frozen yogurt, and I didn't have to do that.

And it was snowing out, and I didn't have to do that.

Okay, okay, you spent the past three years

convincing me that monogamy works,

and now you spring it on me

that you want to be with other people.

No, no. I didn't say that, all right?

Look, just sometimes it feels kind of exciting

to, like, be with, like, a new you, all right?

Like the time... The time...

Oh, the time that you got your wisdom teeth pulled out,

and your face was, like, all swollen.

Okay, you wish I had bigger boobs.

Just say it.

I'm not gonna say that.

The takeaway here is you do not accept me for who I am.

No, I didn't say that, all right?

L... okay, oh, you can't tell me that, occasionally,

if some things were a little different about me,

that you wouldn't be into it.

Okay, I can absolutely say that, okay?

I love you exactly the way you are.

Stupid and shallow.

All right, well, y... No, sometimes you say

that you wish I was more assertive, all right?

That I took charge more, that I was more old-school.

Okay, that is different. You want somebody else.

I want you... But better.

Okay, but it's not just that, all right?

Oh, what about the guy from mad men?

You're obsessed with the guy from mad men, all right?

You tell me right now... Look at my face and say

that you wouldn't want to be with him. Say it. Go.

Okay, if I wanted to be with Jon Hamm,

I would be with Jon Hamm.

Okay, and how exactly would you land Jon Hamm?

Okay, I would wear the bra for him.

The mark department is here.

Nobody gets stuff in boxes faster than this guy.

And I can also help you pack up Lance's stuff.

So what all do we need to pack up?

Did you guys get that box metaphor?

Yes, Mark, it's been your status update for a week now.

I'm just trying to lighten the mood.

I know that you are heartbroken.

I'm really not, you guys, I'm actually okay.

Rox, it's Mark.

I was here the last time around

when this house of cards that you call a life collapsed.

Hey Roxanne, whose speakers are these?

Ugh, I don't know. We bought them together.

I guess I should keep one

and break the other one.

I really wish we'd gotten a prenup,

so I wouldn't have to start writing

that alimony check again every month.

Oh, hey, Lil, we should, um...

Yes, Neal, I heard her too,

and I already agreed to go to the prenup lawyer,

so relax!

Okay, I was just going to say that we should go

feed the parking meter soon,

but I'm glad it's not on your mind.

Hey, what do they ask you on one of those things?

Oh, I have no idea.

When I googled "prenup," it just kept saying,

"do you mean the NBA?"

Our lawyer already sent us a draft.

It's just a bunch of questions that we've already talked about.

It's not a big deal at all.

Uh, "do you have any credit card debt?"

- No. - No.

"Do you have a good credit score?"

- Yes. - Yes.

Uh, hey, Lil, can I get your opinion on something?

Yeah.

- What are you doing? - What?

I know for a fact that you have

seven grand in credit card debt.

Oh, yeah, well, there are some things

about me Neal doesn't know.

Maybe a little mystery is good, you know?

"Like, he doesn't know that I'm 5'3"

or that I dabbled in Scientology.

What? W-w... okay.

When do you plan on telling him all this?

Well, once we're married, none of that stuff is gonna matter.

Yeah, he'll be less judgmental, and I'll be pregnant.

You have got to be honest about your differences.

I mean, I'm only telling you this

because I've learned it, forgot it,

and then I just relearned it.

Okay, okay, you're right.

Okay.

Do I have to tell him I've never seen star wars?

What? No. God, no.

Take that to your grave.

Hey.

Hey, doll face.

"Doll face"? What is wrong with you?

What... Are you drunk?

Why are you wearing a suit?

Oh, my God, did Nana die?

The only thing dead is this scotch.

Now why don't you go to the kitchen

and fix daddy up another?

Don't make me mad.

I can be very mad... Men.

Okay.

I see what's happening here.

Mr. Draper, thank you so much for stopping by,

but I have a boyfriend that I love exactly the way he is.

Less talky, more drinky, doll face.

Call me "doll face" one more time.

I'll call you what I want, and you'll like it.

W-why would I like that?

Because maybe I'm a man of mystery.

Maybe I have an unhappy marriage,

and I have a lot of affairs,

but when I pitched the Kodak carousel account...

Did you just Wikipedia "mad men"?

Yeah.

I have not yet seen the episode where he smokes

a cigarette like a little bitch.

Hey, doll face.

{pub}Hey, thanks for helping me ship this crap back to Lance.

I'll do anything to use a tape gun.

Or any gun.

It's just so weird to be sending him stuff back again.

I guess in life sometimes you have to make

the same mistake twice.

- I can relate to that. - Really?

Yeah, I helped you do this last time.

I mean, this is embarrassing.

And maybe it's not even Lance.

Maybe I wouldn't be good in any relationship.

Ah, whoa! What... what are you doing?

W-what are you doing?

Did you just lean in to kiss me?

I didn't lean in.

You lured me in with your whole vibe.

What?

I... you're brokenhearted. I'm trying to cheer you up.

What... o... well, were you doing it for real?

No, no, it just... It seemed like a moment

where I was supposed to kiss you, like, I don't know,

like, if I was in a movie, that's where I would have.

I thought that I was supposed to.

We're not in a movie.

Roxanne, I was just trying to do you a favor

by being your rebound.

I was throwing myself on a grenade.

Good, because there's nothing going on between us.

Obviously.

Although you're in my top eight friends,

and you're hot, and you're fit, you're a mess.

Fine, because I find you revolting,

and I would never have sex with you under any circumstances.

Mm.

Are you out of your mind?

Come on, that was it.

"I hate you." "I hate you."

Boom, that's a perfect movie kiss moment.

Have you ever seen a movie?

Yes, and this is the movie

where we barely speak and never touch.

- Cool. - Good.

Let's go to u.P.S. Before it closes.

Great.

You bought a whole carton of cigarettes?

How long did you think this bit was gonna go on?

Look, I was trying to prove a point to you.

Oh, well, you proved my point.

I don't want you to change.

I don't want somebody else.

Well, I don't want you to be somebody else either.

Yes, you do.

You wish I had a rack like Christina Hendricks.

No, I don't, all right? Look.

To be honest, her boobs are too big for my taste.

Really?

Yeah, j... at some point, it's just like crowd control.

Okay, she's, like, gorgeous.

Yeah, I don't know. I... I think you're prettier.

Okay, what about January Jones?

I mean, I... Yeah, I can see why some guys

would think that she's hot, but I have a tough time

separating the body from who the person is inside.

You know, it's like, I can tell just by looking

at those women that they're probably boring.

All right, well, I don't know about that.

Well, yeah, I mean, you know, like, you know,

take Jessica Alba, you know?

It's like, does she make me laugh?

Do we have things in common?

Would she have... Would she have this with me?

Where was this guy this morning?

Oh, I don't have any idea...

Because he doesn't exist.

What?

Come on, Whit. Really, you fell for that?

What am I, a blind gay guy?

Okay, so you were just lying to me?

I was just trying to prove to you that sometimes

you do want me to be somebody else.

I mean, come on, those girls are gorgeous.

Jessica Alba?

She's made of butter.

I'm sorry that I get turned on by my boyfriend

who loves me for me.

Okay, well, that's what you have, all right?

I'm sorry that I acted like an idiot about the bra stuff,

but if I wanted to be with somebody else,

then I'd be with somebody else, all right?

This is one of the cool things about not being married

is that there's nothing else that's keeping me here...

Except you.

Okay, that's hot.

All right. Well, it's true, okay?

So, uh, if Jessica Alba's made of butter,

what am I made out of?

Hmm, mm, I love you...

So, so much.

I... I love you so much.

So a prenup can be, you know,

a little uncomfortable for couples.

But the good news is, if you make it through this,

you can make it through anything.

And that is a figure of speech,

not a binding legal promise.

Well, I think this is gonna be easy money for you, Valerie,

because we're on the same page about everything.

Well, everything is a lot but okay.

Let's begin.

So do either of you own any property?

My parents have some land in Ohio.

Okay.

And I have a lot of ideas

for, like, books and greeting cards,

so I have intellectual property.

Okay. What about investments?

Uh, I have stocks and a 401.

Oh, good.

I have invested a lot in myself.

Like, uh, emotional capital

into my spiritual wellbeing.

- Okay, I'll put that down. - Okay.

Lil, this is gonna go faster if you're serious.

I am serious.

I guess what they say is true, huh?

Opposites attract.

Next I need to know about any current debts owed.

Uh, no. No debts for either one of us.

Okay.

Actually... Sorry, actually I...

I owe $7,000 to chase and $300 to Victoria's secret

because they would no longer take my chase card.

What? You told me that you had great credit.

And I may not have paid our cell phone bill this month.

- Lily. - I couldn't find a stamp.

I'm sorry.

Could you excuse us for a second?

Sure.

Uh, do you know

if there's a Williams-Sonoma in this neighborhood?

You know what?

I'll just go.

What is going on?

Why did you lie to me about that stuff?

Because when I tell you the truth,

you just get mad at me. You can be very judgmental.

Well, you can be really irresponsible.

Yeah, see, that's... That's why I've been pretending

to be this person that you want me to be.

I voted for Nader.

Okay, putting that aside,

when have you ever had to pretend to be somebody

that you're not?

Right now.

Being here with a prenup lawyer who goes

against everything I believe in.

I hate museums.

You said that you were fine with a prenup.

Well, I lied,

just like I lied about knowing

what kind of Indian you are.

Is it Punjabi?

No.

What have we been doing?

Pretending, clearly.

I-I-I pretend a lot, so we don't fight.

Well, it's going great.

We are so different.

I mean, tell me you don't see that.

If we can't be ourselves, then why are we getting married?

I don't know.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, um, can I crash with you tonight?

No, is your DirecTV out?

Yeah, my DirecTV is out.

Get in here, man. Get in here right now.

Thanks. E.T. Is on.

{pub}Hey, Whit.

This is only gonna happen once,

so make it count.

Oh, but it's gonna go so fast.

Whose... Whose hair is this?

- Mine. - Mm.

Why is it...

Okay, my lips are burning. What is that?

That's a lip plumper.

It burns your lips to make them bigger.

Mm. Ow, ow!

It's... it... It's in my eye now.

- Oh. - Ow!

Mm. Mm. Mm.

Is this your ass?

Uh-huh.

Oh, God, get away from me, you monster.

Fake ain't so good now, is it, bitch?

No, no. Get out of here.

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