Original subtitles

Okay...

Really quick before Alex gets here.

I have a question to ask you.

Is this one of those intervention things?

No, but let's put a pin in that idea, okay?

So I want to ask you if you will be my maid of honor.

Really?

It's okay if you don't want to... I totally understand.

But just give me your answer before she gets here,

'cause she's my second choice.

Oh, my God, of course I want to.

How would you think I wouldn't want to?

- Well, you know. - Okay.

Look, this is about you, and I am all over this.

Okay, so what's the first thing that I get to do

now that I'm basically the president of your wedding?

Well, you can plan our engagement party.

Wow. You're not kidding.

Um, okay. So what are you thinking?

Well, Neal wants it to be, like, super formal,

and I just feel like the general vibe

should be more, like...

You know what I mean?

And everyone should feel like, ooh, pow, pow, pow!

And then people should leave

feeling like... Ahhhh.

Is that making sense?

You know, it's times like this

I can really see the homeschooling.

Hey.

Oh, hi. Okay, so I hope this isn't weird,

but I've asked Whitney to be my maid of honor.

Oh, thank God.

I thought for a minute that I might be in the running.

That's why I've been sending you straight to voice mail.

All right, so, just so you know,

we are looking at a date in may.

- May? - Mm-hmm.

That's soon. What's the rush?

You know, Neal and I want to start having kids and...

Okay, nope, no. We do not do this.

We do not sit around and talk about having kids, okay?

Come on, we're sluts.

I wish.

I was at my doctor the other day,

and she said that if I want to have kids someday,

I might want to think about freezing my eggs.

Yeah, it is so crazy how our fertility starts to drop

when we hit our 30s.

Oh, God, this conversation is making me feel

like I just got kicked right in the balls.

Well, it would take the pressure off

having to meet a guy by a certain time.

Or if I continue to be disappointed

in the male population, I will just do it on my own.

It is so messed up that we even have to think about this.

You know, women can't have kids after 40,

but Larry king has a kid every ten minutes,

and he's been dead for five years.

Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience.

You heard me.

15, 10, 5, touchdown!

Yes! Yes!

Yo, yo, yo, yo, bro...

Why are you not humping the couch?

Come on, man.

If only two of us do it, it looks weird.

Yeah, uh, I-it's just that lily's texting me

about the engagement party,

and we have completely different ideas

about what it should be.

She wants "edgy" and "gritty."

- What do you want? - Chairs.

I just want a party that's not weird.

I have clients and co-workers coming.

I just started this huge account over at bowman design.

Wait a minute. Bowman design?

Do you know a girl named Madeline Greene?

Yeah. She's my point person.

She's coming to the party. Why?

Oh, that's not good.

Uh, I don't think I can go. We dated for a little while.

I think seeing me is probably gonna be pretty hard on her.

Hard for her?

You dated her for, like, a year.

And every time you get drunk,

you can't stop talking about her.

Her Facebook page is your home page.

I get my news from her wall.

So why'd you guys break up?

Uh, because things were getting too serious,

and this one's afraid of commitment.

No, I do not believe in commitment.

The catholic church invented monogamy

to keep the land barons from contracting syphilis

from hot peasant women.

Don't you ever wonder what it would be like to be

in a committed relationship with someone?

Nope. But I do wonder what it would be like

to have 20 minutes with Scarlett Johansson.

Yeah, I could answer that.

It would be 19 minutes of you apologizing.

Okay, "guest list." Okay, Sofia is lily's friend.

Wait, Neal has a friend named Sofia.

Maybe we should only invite one.

It's like a real Sofia's choice.

Oh, my God, I've lost my mind.

Ugh. Whit, you're still awake?

It's been, like, three nights in a row of this.

This is really unhealthy. You need to get some sleep.

I can't. It's like my mind is spinning.

I have so many decisions to make for the party.

I haven't even started on the music.

I'll get the music. Relax.

You need to turn your brain off.

Okay, I've tried everything, okay?

I've counted sheep. I ate Turkey.

I looked at these pants for, like, 40 minutes.

All right, why don't you go back to the therapist

you saw last time you had insomnia.

She seemed to help.

Plus, I would get an hour of sleep while you were gone.

I do not want to go to my old therapist, okay?

She is so nosy.

She's a therapist. That's her job.

Sorry I haven't been here in so long, Dr. Price.

Oh, don't do that. You don't owe me an apology.

You do owe me $300, though.

So last time you were here,

which was, I think, about a year ago,

you were claiming to be... 28?

Yeah.

How old are you claiming to be now?

I am 29, but I really am 29.

Me too.

I see your bangs are gone.

You're showing a lot of forehead.

Oh, um, yeah, but you know,

things are actually going really well with me right now.

Of course they are... happy people

make emergency appointments with me all the time.

What's going on in that crazy little head of yours?

Are you still upset about Katherine Heigl?

No. I'd rather not get into my old issues.

I just, uh... I'm having really bad insomnia,

and I don't know what to do.

Okay, well, I mean,

I can write you a prescription for a sleeping pill,

but that's just a short-term fix.

I mean, that's not really getting to the root

- of the matter. - Oh, no, short-term is good.

- That's good. - Okay. Okay.

Just so you know, Whitney,

there are no shortcuts to happiness.

Oh, uh, I'm actually not looking for happiness.

I'm just looking for sleep.

Well, if you really want to fall asleep,

you should try sitting in my chair

listening to you talk all day.

No, that's too slow.

? uh uh uh uh uh uh ?

That's too boing-y.

Uh-oh. Okay, see, look what's happening here!

Yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah.

Oh-ho. Uh-oh.

Hey. Hey, I keep texting Whit, and I can't find her.

Oh, yeah, she's at a psychiatrist

'cause she's losing her mind. What's up?

Well...

Okay, I've decided to have my eggs frozen.

Oh, yeah, Whit told me about that.

- That's really cool. - Thanks.

Apparently, one of the really fun parts

is that I have to inject myself with hormones

at the same time every day.

And that time is later on tonight

in the privacy of your own home.

No, it's right now.

And I don't know...

I just... I can't do it myself.

So all I need you to do is inject me in the stomach...

With this needle.

Yeah, I'm not gonna do that at all.

Come on, please?

Alex, it has to be in the next 20 minutes.

Unh!

Okay. Good.

- So just... - Oh.

- Aah! - Aah!

- Aah! - Aah!

Oh, my God! Get it off! Get it off!

You get it off!

- No! - Ugh!

Aah! Aaaaah!

- Pull it! - Aah!

Unh!

Okay, thanks. Bye.

This pill's amazing.

I took it ten minutes ago, and I'm already so tired.

Well, don't fall asleep yet.

It's Thursday night. Promises were made.

Whit.

Whit?

Okay, I guess I'll have to keep that promise to myself.

Oh, gosh!

Whit, what the hell?

Whoa, whoa. Hey. Whoa, whoa.

Get down. Get down. Whoa.

Okay. Hey, what are you doing?

What are you doing? And who's Amber?

When we first started dating,

I used to go through your phone.

All right, Whit, you know what? You're sleepwalking.

That pill really must have messed you up, okay?

Look, just come here. Sit down.

Why don't you stand up?

Is this your prom dress?

It's your mom's prom dress.

Right. Okay, look, stay here.

I'm gonna go out in the hallway

and see if we're getting evicted.

Whit, why is my laptop out in the hall...

Hey! Ho! Whoa! Stop being a poltergeist.

Come here. Look, just stop.

I got you.

I'm falling! I'm falling!

- My chute won't open! - Oh, okay.

Whit, hey... You're sleeping.

I can't do it. It's too much pressure.

I'm gonna screw everything up.

What are you talking about?

I have to go to the bathroom.

Okay.

No, no, stand up! Stand up, stand up! Oh!

Hey, I had the best night's sleep last nigh...

Oh, my God, what did you do?

No, you went on a crazy spree in your sleep.

What?

Yeah, you completely trashed the place.

And you said some really mean things about my hair.

Oh, my God, I am so sorry. It was the pill.

You said I look like a soap opera villain.

Come on, that's pretty solid.

Eh.

Oh.

Oh, my goodness.

Uh, I ordered a ton of stuff online in my sleep.

Oh, God, please be nothing bad in the "sent" folder.

Oh, no. Look at that email I sent.

"You're beautiful and sexy,

"and I don't tell you this enough,

but I love you. Stay real."

Who did you send that to?

Myself.

Pbbbt.

Okay, you got me here. You don't have to stay and babysit me.

No, we're both staying here until we find out

what's really wrong with you.

Hi, there.

- You must be Alex. - Yeah.

Your hair's exactly like she described it.

Excuse my cleavage, I just came from a lesbian luncheon.

So what's going on?

Whit.

Okay, um, the pill you gave me

made me sleepwalk, so I was wondering

if you had an additional anti-sleepwalking pill

that I could take with the first pill.

So you want to sleep forever?

Come on, Whit, you said you'd get to the bottom of this.

Well, let's talk about your sleepwalking.

What do you do?

Oh, she did some really weird things.

All right, she went sleep-shopping.

She completely trashed the place.

She shaved her legs, which she never does.

Oh, that's catastrophic parasomnia.

I should write another article about you.

- -"Another"? - What?

Look, um, clinically speaking,

this is obviously just a window into your subconscious, okay?

So is there anything that could be causing you anxiety,

aside from your volume of greatest hits?

Come on, tell her about the party.

I... oh... oh, um,

my girlfriend made me her maid of honor,

so I'm planning her engagement party.

And last night you kept talking

about how somebody was putting all this pressure on you.

Okay, well, then there you go.

You have a deep-seated fear of marriage.

And this is planning someone's wedding,

so it's bringing up all of your fears.

So you don't feel like you're up to the task.

But if you can clear this hurdle,

and you can know that you've done a good job,

then I think you're gonna have a much easier time sleeping.

Oh, my God. Thank God. Thank you so much.

It's my pleasure.

I mean, who wants to go to an engagement party anyway?

They're so annoying.

I mean, to have a party to celebrate another party...

What kind of narcissists want to do that?

I totally... I always say the same exact thing about...

No, no, no, we're not friends.

To Neal.

For all of the tiny ways you're different,

in the most important ways, you are exactly the same.

And you show us all that we don't have to change who we are

in order to be happy together.

Aw...

That was touching.

You must have written that in your sleep, huh?

Oh, I didn't write that. John legend wrote that.

- Okay. - Whit!

- Alex. - Hey.

Haven't seen you since the, uh...

How's your, um...

Uterus?

It's good. It's good, good, good, fine.

Hey, mark, where you been? The party's almost over.

You in a gospel brunch?

I have been sitting in my car for the last hour.

I got here, and I thought about seeing Madeline again,

- and I got really nervous. - Why?

Because I still have feelings for her. Is she here?

Yeah, she's right over there.

Ooh. Ooh!

Why couldn't she have put on 50 pounds?

This might be the three skinny girl margaritas

I just had out in the parking lot talking,

but I think I'm just gonna walk right up to her,

and I'm just gonna say, "hey, I blew it with you.

We should give this another shot."

Cool, man. Go get her.

Madeline.

Mark.

- Wow, this is random. - Yeah.

- You look amazing. - Thanks. So how are you?

I'm great. I'm great.

And I've actually been thinking about you recently.

And that is a diamond ring on your finger.

Yeah. I'm engaged.

Wow! Ha ha!

- Who's the guy? - It's someone I met at work.

Oh. Is it serious?

Hey, thank you for everything.

This party is so perfect.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Do you like it? - I love it.

It's really important that you like it.

This whole thing was so...

- Oh. - Oh...

I don't know.

Oh, my God, I was up all night again.

What is happening to me?

Yeah, I finally came out here at 6:00,

and then the delivery guy came out here at 6:30

and delivered that package,

which I could only assume that you ordered

while you were on those pills.

This is ridiculous, okay?

If it wasn't the party,

what other stupid thing is rattling around

deep in the recesses of my brain?

I mean, what could it possibly be?

Okay, why would a 29-year-old woman

order baby shoes in her sleep?

You couldn't have answered this for her?

It's like she hates money.

It's just kids are not part of our thing, you know.

I'm not thinking about kids. He's not thinking about kids.

How do you know? We've never even talked about it.

Well, that's 'cause neither of us wants kids.

No. I want kids. We just...

We haven't talked about it

because I was afraid that you don't, and that's...

What?

I don't know. It's kind of a deal breaker.

Is anyone else as uncomfortable as I am?

Mm, this can't be good.

Mark, nobody's home at Whit's place,

so I need you to inject me in the stomach

with a needle.

I mean, I know that's super weird,

but if you could just try, I... okay.

And dunzo.

You could have done that yourself.

Yeah, I know. I...

I am usually really good at doing things by myself.

Someday I might have a kid by myself.

But for some reason, this part just feels...

It feels hard to do alone.

I totally get that.

I do not think you do.

I just found out that, uh,

this girl I really could've seen myself committing to

- has moved on. - Oh.

So here I am again with this awesome face and personality

and nobody to share it with.

Yeah. Yeah, that sucks.

Listen...

Thank you, mark.

You know, if you ever need help

with your shot again, I can do it.

Really?

You know, you need to do it

at the same time every day, though,

so that's kind of a big commitment.

I say we do this.

You won't have to feel alone,

and I can use you as, like, my commitment training bra.

You mean training wheels.

Ah, potato, po-tatas.

Okay.

So...

Define "deal breaker."

Look, Whit, this is a really bad conversation to have.

Okay.

Because if you never want kids, then...

It's just a really bad conversation to have, all right?

Okay, I didn't say I never want kids.

I just...

I grew up around a lot of divorce, and it sucks.

And I just never want to put a kid through that.

So I would have to make sure that

that would never happen to us.

Well, in order to get divorced...

You need to get married.

Duh.

Okay, so does that mean that you'd consider getting married?

To you I would.

All right, well, I didn't realize

that that was on the table.

Okay, there it is. It's on the stupid table.

Oh, my God, Whit, you're like a person.

Shut up. No, I'm not.

Look, I...

I'm scared of marriage, and I'm scared of having kids,

but with you, it's like the first time

I can actually imagine it.

It makes me really happy to hear you say that.

I mean, it's a disaster.

The house is on fire, and the kid hates me,

but I can imagine it.

Hey, look, baby steps.

Yeah.

Baby steps.

You know, it'd be cool one day

to be married, have a kid.

It'd be really nice to have somebody to come with me

to visit you at the facility.

So what you're saying is that there's a communication problem?

No, I literally can't understand what she's saying.

It's very simple, okay?

Neal is very, like, dzzzzzzzzz...

And I am just much more, like...

Do you know what I mean? And I feel like that stems

from the fact that, like, I'm, like, like this kind of person,

and Neal's just much more of, like, this kind of person.

And so I think we need to find a way to meet,

like...

Here.

Are your parents deaf?

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