Original subtitles

OK.

Come on!

OK.

You are an idiot!

Ahh! Come on don't!

What ? What ? What?

Come on! No!

Stop it! Give me that!

No! Don't don't don't!

We're gonna be late for the ceremony!

When was the last time a wedding actually started on time?

It's cause they are always waiting for you!

OK! OK! OK! I am ready!

Wait, you gonna wear a hoodie to a wedding?

What, where your overalls in the wash?

OK. I almost froze to death at Nick and Rachel's wedding.

You mean the one that was in Mexico?

Where the groomsmen wore shorts?

How dare you!

You know that I have bad circulation.

And I got worse after I got laser hair removal.

For you!

Alright. Come on we really gotta go!

OK. Fine.

But ... I won this!

OK.

What?

Wait. You can't wear white to a wedding!

Come on! Its got a pattern.

Yeah ... a white pattern!

Argh !!!

It's such a stupid rule!

What does the bride think the groom is gonna get confused and marry me by accident?

Getting married is so dumb!

Just cause your parents each got divorced three times doesn't mean that all marriages are bad!

Half of all marriages end.

If half of all planes crashed would you continue to fly?

It's just so much faster than driving.

Zip me!

Is this new?

No, I just hate it.

Like all we ever do is go to weddings.

I can't remember the last time I sat down to eat without a DJ telling me to get this party started.

OK.

- OK. Phone? - Got it!

- Keys? - Got 'em!

- Purse? - Not that whipped!

Wait. Is that what you are wearing?

Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience. You heard me!

- Hi! Hi! - Hey!

Neil did you get my purse?

Got it!

Wow! Again with the matching.

Oh no. It's totally an accident this time.

Well was it?

Or is it ... that we love the same things!

They've been together a year. Let them have it.

Hey!

We got table eight.

We met at a wedding at table eight.

And wound up in a motel 6.

Hey! Wow! OK Hi!

- Hey! - Hi.

Ah, Roxanne you can't wear pants to a wedding!

Lil. Get off my balls!

I pay alimony to an ex-husband who does spoken word for a living.

I could wear cargo pants!

- Are they already serving drinks? - Hmm?

Oh no I brought this.

Nice dress!

Should've worn the hoodie.

Yeah.

Let's get this party started!

Ola Ha! Alex! Whitney!

Hey.

Schalom!

Neil. Lillly.

Ouch!

Roxy! Love the sideboob!

That's armpit fat.

It all feels the same in the dark.

Mark how are you ever late? You have sirens on top of your car.

Dude! I was down at the station doing a little recount.

You mean stalking the bridesmaids on facebook.

Yes.

Two of them love police academy. So....

Someone is going on a ride-along tonight.

On my face!

OK. Enough!

- We know what you're saying. - Yeah

She's gonna throw the bouquet!

- You guys come on! - OK. -OK. -Yeah.

Neil!

Someone is getting a cavity search!

Hey man you actually don't have to do that. OK. It's just me.

- Relax. - OK.

Excuse me! Aren't you the guy who sold that big internet company?

Yeah. Hi. I'm Alex. Have we met?

I'm Sarah!

We met at Jeff's birthday party.

A bunch of people are doing shots if you wanna come.

Oh. Yeah. You know I have a girlfriend.

So I can't really engage in any type of merriment.

Yeah. You date that photographer girl...

Who's ... really loud.

Whitney.

Honey. Do you have those pepto things?

It's just that. The scallops are getting shaddy.

- Excuse me! - Oh.

Sorry you gonna... Taking off? -Yeah

Got it.

That Ashley girl is a beast!

Yeah she's currently under investigation.

Enjoy another year of EHarmony biatch!

Boom!

What where you doing out there?

I just had to pick.

I just read in Cosmo that one of the keys to a healthy relationship is

participating in your partner's passions.

Well. Cosmo is for skanks.

No! No! It has interesting statistics.

Like ... couples with the most successful relationships have sex 4 or 5 times a week.

- 5 times a week? - Yeah.

Who has time for that?

Well. That is what happened in my marriage.

I mean things got platonic. We stopped having sex.

Well I stopped having sex.

He continued with other people.

It's not his fault he's a man.

Monogamy is not natural.

If the cavemen had been monogamous... there would be like 6 people.

Mark you can't justify everything you do using cavemen.

Why not?

The cavemen did it.

I'm just saying...

Once you're in a long term relationship...

...you're not tapping that every night.

Oh look! They're gonna do the cake.

Some of the cupcakes are missing.

It was her.

Wow you're on fire tonight.

What are you closing with Blackface?

Just got an email from Mark.

Went home with the pregnant girl.

He said he wants to know if it counts as a threesome.

Ahh! Your feet are freezing!

Why aren't we having sex?

Cause your hair is up and I ate pork.

OK. I don't mean now. I mean why aren't we having it more often.

What do you mean my hair is up?

When your hair is up you don't like to be touched.

Or talked to.

When was the last time I wore my hair down?

Ahh. Two years ago.

OK. Be serious.

I just don't think we're having sex enough.

I mean ... why aren't we tapping this every night?

Well you can tap that whenever you want.

This is serious OK? This is a thing.

This happened to Roxanne.

This happened to my mother with all three of her husbands.

I don't want to end up like my mother.

She has 7 parrots.

I thought she had 7 therapists.

Yeah she has 14 things telling her she is pretty.

It's just...

Do you know what this Sunday is?

Yeah it's our 3 year anniversary.

You knew that?

We haven't even planned anything.

I mean we did something good last year, right?

Yeah. You took Tylenol PM.

In the AM.

I mixed up the bottles. And as I recall you still had sex with me.

It was our anniversary.

OK.

I just ... we're gonna do something awesome this year. OK?

But for now you just... you just stay in that bed, alright?

Because a storm of sexy is gonna... Come your way.

So just...

...just get your umbrella.

It's ... not good.

That's ... what is that?

This is what?

It's not mine.

What-what happened in there?

The storm of sexy is probably coming through more like tomorrowish.

OK.

OK. Little careful with the cleavage.

What? If I'm gonna start a blog I wanna look good.

OK. OK!

OK.

You're a food critic not a Kardashian.

Oh.

So you and Neil will never go 4 or 5 days without having sex?

Ahh. I work very hard at keeping out sex life good.

I do Kegels every day.

Doing them right now.

-Hey! -Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Can't! Wine?

Oh, to your right.

The glasses are right behind you.

That's fine too.

Being a single woman today is ... embarrassing.

That guy Chris I'm dating just told me I have bad chi.

Your chi is a little rough.

Whatever!

You know what I'm 33.

My chi is tired.

You know what makes you tired?

Drinking at 2:30.

You guys have no idea what is going on.

Out there.

You know it is a warzone.

Guys get calf implants.

They have feelings.

I dated a guy who had a screensaver of a baby on his computer.

And it wasn't even his baby.

- That's so sweet! - That's a pedophile!

Anyway. Enough about me!

You left me a message I did not listen to.

What was it?

Well I just... Our 3 year anniverary is coming up....

..and I really wanna do something good.

What about 'Color Me Mine'?

What about Oxycontin?

Is it possible that there is something in between?

Ehm. Is there something I can help you with?

Yeah wow you look...

...cold.

Yeah I'm interested in becoming a sex goddess

Ahh.

I'll do pretty much anything except latex,

feathers.

Bird flu.

Ah. And no underwire.

It's like I'm leaning on a fence.

How about role-play?

You dress up in sexy costumes and pretend to be other people.

Yeah.

It is exactly like being with other people.

Except you're with the same frickin' person and he is dressed like an idiot.

What about this cowboy costume?

Oh that's very popular!

And how about a toy gun?

Yeah helps you get in character

OK.

OK. I'm not Daniel Day-Lewis.

I just wanna get laid.

Hi hon!

Hello there!

Are you here to, ah...

...see the doctor?

I don't know?

Am I?

Yes you are!

Anniversary boy.

I'm gonna need you to...

...sign in.

Yeah. I'll sign in.

Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah! Mr. Miller.

I'm gonna need your...

...insurance card.

Ah.

Pahhh!

Come on do it for real!

I'm pretty sure that doctor ehm...

...Quinn.

'Medicine woman'?

Well I'm pretty sure that doctor Quinn...

...ahm...

...has my info already.

I doubt it.

I'm gonna need you to have a seat and fill out these forms.

Whit.

Do I really need my employer's adress?

Oh I actually think we have that on file.

Let me go check.

But our file room is HUGE!!!

And sometimes I get lost in there.

So if I'm not back in a minute you might wanna come...

...help.

I think I got that file you're looking for right...

Mr. Miller?

The doctor will see you now.

Mr. Miller?

Mr. Miller.

What happened?

I guess I'm gonna need to give you a mouth to mouth.

Alex?

He's gonna be OK right?

We'll take care of him mam.

What's your relation to this man?

He's my boyfriend.

I'm sorry.

You are not allowed back here unless you're a spouse or immediate family member.

Feel free to have a seat out here.

OK. We've been together for three years so we are basically married.

You're either married or you're not!

Nurse to nurse.

I gotta get back there.

Nurse to stripper.

Have a seat!

It's OK Whit.

It's a concussion but the nurse said he'll be fine.

He's not fine.

He's in there and he is all alone.

Whit as your friend I should tell you something... ...that's not easy for me to say.

You're still wearing that tiny hat.

He doesn't have his special pillow.

If you want I can go and get his special pillow.

Oh! Mark thank you!

It's in the bedroom, it's squishy and it's like this big.

Yeah it is.

And might I find it in your underwear drawer?

OK I'll go.

And why don't you grab her some pants?

OK but let's not forget.

Next time we're all together to mock Alex.

For having a special pillow.

Neil. Thank you so much!

Ahhh you poor baby!

Mom!

What happened?

He he ... He hit his head on the counter and now he has a concussion.

Aw. You poor thing!

Is he gonna be alright, doctor?

Oh I'm actually not the doctor.

I'm Neil.

We've met 3 times.

Last time you thought I was the valet.

Oh!

I could've used you 5 minutes ago. I am blocking an ambulance.

Ma!

I'm gonna go do my rounds.

Oh will you? Poor poor thing!

Oh. All the single ladies.

Is your father here?

Wow!

30 seconds.

That's a new record.

It's one thing for him not to show up at you college graduation.

Mom you told him the wrong time!

Well it's not his fault that he is so selfish...

...that he doesn't show up and...

...support you the way that I do.

He is not a bad guy.

He's just a horrible person and he owes me a check.

But this is not about that!

This is about you!

Why aren't you back there with him?

Ah they won't let me because we're not married.

It's so stupid!

I told you you should get married!

No you told me to marry him because...

...if he cheats on me I'll get half his stuff.

It's the law!

I'm just trying to help...

...so sue me!

Dad already did.

Yeah. Well he showed up for that.

You know what? Maybe you shouldn't marry Alex.

That way you don't have to be stuck with him the rest of your life.

But I ... I do wanna be stuck with him.

That's ...

...that's exactly what I want.

Now you aren't making any sense.

Miss Cummings!

You can come see Alex now.

Oh my god!

I'm so sorry!

That was such a stupid idea.

No it wasn't.

Yes it was.

You're in here and...

...I'm stuck out there and that scary nurse wouldn't let me back and...

I realized that I want to be stuck with you.

For the rest of my life

So...

Alex.

Will you marry me?

- No! - Thank God!

Good.

Look Whitney, I know that marriage scares you...

...so we'll just wait until it doesn't anymore, right?

I love you so much that I'm not gonna marry you.

I'm sorry ... I was just worried that things were gonna fizzle...

...or fade or I don't know.

I just really want us to stay together.

I love you!

And I hate moving.

This is the best part about being together for so long...

...is that you can wear hoodies and your hair up or down or...

I don't care.

And get off the floor!

What are you doing?

I was worried!

You know that people bleed out in here, right?

OK that's disgusting.

Seriously are you OK?

Well. Ahh. I am you know I am...

...feeling rather woozy.

Oh!

Well.

Mr. Miller.

I think I know the exact thing...

...to inject.

Yeah what might that be nurse Cummings?

Oh you know...

...just 3 ccs of...

..."volinnum medicine".

"Volinnum medicine"?

Was that one or two words? I don't know.

That's two. It's a medical term.

- Ah OK. - I googled it.

Right.

You know...

...I think we're gonna have to keep you...

...overnight for observation.

Do I have to be in here all alone?

Well.

My shift ends soon. So...

...we better hurry.

Oh be careful I just ... I have to return this tomorrow.

You rented it?

No I just ... I left the tags on you know because I'm only gonna wear it once.

No, wait.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Nurse! Nurse!

Real nurse!!!

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