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* On the first day of Christmas My true love sent to me *

* A partridge in a pear tree *

* On the second day of Christmas *

* My true love sent to me *

* Two turtledoves *

* And a partridge in a pear tree *

* On the third day of Christmas **

'A little bit extra for all of us.'

'If you'd get out of bed earlier in the morning'

'and spend less time singing'

'you might not have to find excuses.'

'All of you girls are the same.'

- 'Anything to put off work.' - 'Yes, milady.'

'I don't like coming home'

'and finding you going about on the double.'

'It makes me quite nervous.'

You were not expected so early, milady.

And as a result, the bed is not warmed.

I was about to attend to it, milady.

Nor is there any hot milk.

I'll fetch it immediately, milady.

Might I inquire why you've been pawing through my jewels?

But I haven't been.

Then what is my case doing on my powder table?

You must have left it there, milady.

My earrings are missing.

Are you suggesting that I've got them?

I'm suggesting that you're the only one

who has access to my room.

My earrings, please.

Someone's been at the whiskey again, Sybil.

I must have sacked the wrong footman.

Look, look, I made a mark

on the decanter before we left tonight

and some devil's drunk a good inch of it.

Henry, listen to me carefully

if you can possibly manage it.

You're to communicate with Scotland Yard instantly.

There's no need for that. I'll just sack another footman.

It isn't the whiskey, milord.

It's that milady has most capriciously

accused me of stealing her earrings.

Well, cough 'em up.

But I haven't got them.

She hasn't got 'em.

Henry, will you do as I say?

It'll be much simpler, my girl

if you'd return them with no more fuss.

I give you my word, milord.

I haven't got them.

I'll send for Scotland Yard.

Oh, no.

You can check with them at the pub.

They know all about me down there, they do.

I'll check, never you mind.

You may all go to your rooms.

I would say they were clear, all of them.

Of course, they're clear, you dolt.

The girl is the thief.

The moment you're kind to servants

they take advantage.

I gave the girl two nights off last month

and this is how she shows her gratitude.

Come here, my girl.

Come on. Come on.

Now, then, are you ready to change your story?

No, I've been in service a long time

and I have the very highest recommendations.

Lady Minden checked them scrupulously

before she engaged me.

Not scrupulously enough, apparently.

Arrest the girl, inspector.

'Good evening.'

You're the spittin' image of one another, you are.

The resemblance, I'm happy to say, ends there.

This is my twin brother.

- Milord. - I'm not your Lord.

I am Mr. Duxbury.

The most I can scrape up is an honorable

though even that is a subject of debate.

Nigel, stop being witty in front of strangers.

Inspector, it would appear

we're about to have a family consultation.

It'll only bore you. Therefore, we'll excuse you.

Goodnight, inspector.

Stay where you are, inspector.

Don't be so hasty, Sybil, my love.

You do want your earrings back, don't you?

It can only be arranged in private.

Then goodnight, inspector.

- What about the girl? - The girl stays.

Goodnight, inspector.

Goodnight.

Really, Nigel!

Speak to him, Henry!

Well, really, Nigel.

I fancy that puts you in the clear.

I think perhaps I ought explain.

This afternoon, I asked my brother for a trifling sum

to meet some urgent bills. He saw fit to refuse.

That's why I pinched the earrings.

You had yours, and you squandered it.

You inherited 10,000.

And you inherited five million.

We've been over this many times.

I'm the elder.

By five minutes.

That's a million a minute.

Exactly.

Can you blame me if I refuse

to put up with such an unfair arrangement

because of an archaic legal system?

I will not sit here and listen to this radical talk

in front of a servant.

Oh, have we finally come around to me, milady?

I may have been a bit quick tonight.

We'll discuss it in the morning.

I shan't be here in the morning, milady.

But before I go, we have something to put right.

You accused me of stealing.

Very well.

I'll give you two months' wages and a character.

Does that satisfy you?

No, milady, it doesn't.

In addition, I shall require an apology.

"An apology?"

Uh, no damages?

Will you stop talking to the girl?

You defamed her, you know.

I'd advise her to take it to law.

I'd make an uncommonly good witness.

Oh, I-I hadn't thought of damages, sir, but, uh--

A hundred quid.

Will you mind your own business?

Two hundred.

Two hundred qui, pounds would do very nicely.

- "Two hundred pounds?" - Uh..

It might be better, you know

if you turn the whole thing over

to a solicitor.

I know an awfully good man.

Well, perhaps you're right, sir.

You'd better settle, Sybil.

I'm sure it's nothing to me

what you do with your money.

But you'll get no character!

I'm not interested in a character, baroness.

I'm thinking of becoming a lady

and for that, no character is necessary.

Ma'am, I want to tell you how extremely sorry I am

for what happened tonight.

You helped me tonight, Mr. Duxbury

and for that, I am grateful

but since it was you who got me

into the unpleasant predicament to begin with

for that I am ungrateful.

In any case, no good purpose can possibly be served

by continuing this conversation. Goodnight.

You talk like Gladstone

and look like Helen of Troy.

It's very surprising.

You look like a duke and act like the Artful Dodger.

Equally surprising.

Uh, I have a cab waiting.

I should be delighted to drop you

wherever you may want to go.

Can you afford a cab?

I think I'm being insulted.

On the contrary, I think I'm being insulted.

That was to have come later.

You're wasting your time, Mr. Duxbury.

Poor but virtuous, eh?

"Poor?"

You forget I'm worth 200 pounds.

Then perhaps you could drop me somewhere.

I should be delighted, Mr. Duxbury.

Cabbie?

Well, shall we ride in silence

or shall we chitchat?

Chitchat if you like..

...as long as it's confined to that.

Uh, you mentioned some rather interesting plans

when you left the room.

Uh, just what do they entail?

All my life I've watched other people enjoying luxuries.

Now I'm going to enjoy them.

I shall be waited on and served and catered to.

Um, where will you manage all this on 200 pounds?

I shall immigrate.

- "Immigrate?" Where to? - America.

I have a cousin in a little village there called Brooklyn.

Oh ho ho, you're too British

to spend the rest of your life in a..

...in Brooklyn.

I don't intend to.

I shall find a man with 10,000 a year and marry him.

Ah.

Without love?

Well, I have no objection to love..

...as long as he still has the 10,000.

You know exactly where you're going, don't you?

Exactly.

Before you start, why don't we

celebrate with some wine?

I can't afford it.

Well, there's still one or two places

in London that honor my signature.

- Such as? - Uh...Bernadette's.

Oh, it's for gaiety girls.

Oh, well, uh..

...The Cecil.

That's for duchesses.

Well, I can't give you a coronet

but, uh..

...may I lend you these?

- Not again. - Oh, no, no.

They're a present this time, a very grudging present

on the condition I get out and never plague them again.

Do you intend to keep that promise?

Certainly not.

W-well..

...um...just for supper then.

Just for supper.

You nervous?

I'm embarrassed not being in evening dress.

That sets you off from the others..

...not that you need it.

People are staring. Is my petticoat showing?

No, but your eyes are.

Uh, he hopes you find the champagne

sufficiently chilled.

Oh. Thank you.

It's alright.

Why, it's very nice.

I hope you aren't gonna say the bubbles tickle your nose.

Oh, no.

No, I was just admiring the gowns.

Beautiful.

Well, so is, so is yours, come to that.

Sure you didn't buy that in the money

my sister-in-law paid you?

No.

The cape was a cast-off from the Marchioness of Bellmore.

I used to work for her.

And the gown, well, that, uh

that's from the old curtains in the North drawing room.

Oh.

Uh, he means, "What would you like?"

- Oh, thank you. - Perhaps I ought to help you.

It's probably French or something.

Um..

Huh? Oh.

Uh-uh, two, please.

Are you surprised?

- I most certainly am, miss. - But why?

I've lived in the best houses in England and on the continent.

I've got eyes and ears.

- And ambition? - Yes.

That's a very dangerous quality.

That's what my father used to tell me.

He was a groom

a firm believer in knowing one's place

but my mother used to encourage me.

She always felt she'd married beneath her.

They used to quarrel all the time.

I listened, and I-I vowed

it was never going to happen to me.

It never will.

I'd hate to be between you

and something you wanted.

I'd hate to have you there.

At the moment, I have to introduce you

to a very rich bore.

What's your name, dear?

Hoskins. Jane Hoskins.

Jane Hoskins--

Ah, Duxbury, good evening.

Pleasure. Pleasure.

Um, yeah.

Uh, huh-huh, well, Duxbury

aren't you going to introduce me to the lady?

Oh, yes, of course.

Yes, uh, Lady Jane is kind of..

...Loverly, may I present Sir Roland Epping?

- I'm enchanted. Ha ha. - How do you do?

- Uh.. - Eh, won't you sit down?

Uh, oh. Uh. Huh.

Thank you.

I, uh, I'm not sure

if I have your name right.

Is it Lovely or Loverly?

Lovely.

- The Northern branch, that is. - Uh.

Something to do with Bonny Prince Charlie.

And how about the Southern branch?

Oh, the Southern branch

in point of fact

added an R sometime in the reign of Bloody Mary.

I prefer Loverly.

Oh, yes, of course. Of course.

Uh, did you see the play tonight?

My cousin and I loathed it, loathed it.

- I loathe your cousin. - Yeah, he's a bore, isn't he?

Yes, he is.

By the way

I think I knew some Loverlys.

Oh? Perhaps you've met before.

Oh, I've been out of the country mostly.

Where?

- South. - South? Africa or America?

- Uh, Egypt. - Oh.

Yes, Egypt.

Lady Loverly's late husband

was in cotton, Sir Percy Loverly.

Oh, yes, of course.

Yes. Charming man.

Great loss. Great loss.

Oh, it-it was, indeed.

Of course, I, I try to carry on.

I keep myself busy, you know.

Yes. She, uh, still has her charities.

Oh, charities? Excellent.

Lady Loverly is president of the, uh

the-the-the Nile Fund.

Or is it chairman of the board?

- Both. - The-the Nile Fund?

Yes. You've heard of it, surely.

It does wonderful work among the natives.

Oh, Sir Roland, if you could only see those little faces

lighting up when they hear the fund's on the way.

It's so good for the empire.

Hmm. Capital. Capital.

Yes, and talking of capital, my brother

gave 200 pounds only this evening.

Henry did?

Oh, yes. Yes.

You should have seen the tears in his eyes.

And, uh, Nigel

Nigel's been very generous too.

Oh, well, in that case, uh

perhaps you'll allow me to put a bit in too.

Oh. Oh, no, Sir Roland, I, I really don't think I--

Oh, I only have a hundred on me

alas, but perhaps tomorrow I can--

Bird in the hand where charities

are concerned, Lady Loverly.

Very well then.

For the sake of charity.

If I may come to tea tomorrow..

...I'll augment it.

That would be wonderful, Sir Roland.

Oh, dear, what a pity I'm engaged tomorrow.

May I, may I drop you a note?

I shall count the hours.

Little face now lighting up is mine.

Mr. Duxbury, you are without question

the most dishonest

the most immoral

the most unprincipled man

I ever met in my life.

That would sound more convincing

if your hot little fist

wasn't stuffed with money.

However, if it'll make you any happier

we can always give it back.

Your half.

Let's-let's not be too hasty, Mr. Duxbury

We can, uh, think so much more clearly

when we...have a little more wine.

Wait a moment, please.

Goodnight, Mr. Duxbury.

Oh, I've enjoyed it all enormously.

The music and the supper

and the wine.

So glad.

Uh, haven't you forgotten something?

Hmm?

Uh, oh, no

but I rather hoped you had.

Well, I haven't. Pop it over.

There you are.

Ten fivers, right?

Good of you.

Do not mention it.

Goodbye.

Uh.

What a wretched memory you have, Jane.

Hmm?

Oh.

It wasn't a bad memory, really.

It was just...reluctance.

You know, Jane, you're migrating

in the wrong direction.

Am I? Why?

Because it is now the season

at Monte Carlo.

And together, you and I are the possessors

of what is vulgarly known as a stake.

With a little care and wit, we can double it.

When I was with the marchioness

we went regularly to Monte

and just as regularly

she lost her shirt.

Well, she had no need to.

Well, there's no sure way of winning.

I agree, but there is a sure way of losing.

- To the right people. - Huh?

Mr. Duxbury.

Mr. Duxbury, I've read and observed a great deal

and done my best to improve myself

but it seems there are still some things I don't know.

Would you care to learn?

This would be..

...purely a working arrangement?

Oh, incredibly pure.

Then why the diamonds?

Because without them, you are Jane Hoskins

and with them, you are Lady Loverly.

Lady Loverly.

If it were not for you, my dear Lady Loverly

I would have returned to India two days ago.

India's loss is my gain, colonel.

I've adored your stories about the Boer War.

Someday I must tell you what I said to Kitchener at Khartoum.

Oh, I'll wager you gave him what for.

- Ha ha ha. - What are they playing?

Chemin defer, known to the initiates as chemmy.

But whatever are they doing?

Well, you see the little wooden box?

That's called a shoe.

Each player gets two cards and the object is

to get as close to nine as you can.

After the first two cards, you have

the privilege of drawing one more.

But you must not go over nine.

- Or you lose. - Oh, it sounds fascinating.

I'd love to play.

Of course, my dear, of course.

Oh, I've left all my money at the hotel.

Oh.

I see. Let's be partners.

Well, no, thank you, but let me play for you.

- Beginner's luck, you know. - Good.

Card.

Stand, my dear.

You see, he has more than nine.

So you've won. Now you can play again.

Oh, this is fun.

Must I leave the whole amount there?

Oh, yes, you must.

I've got 80,000 francs out there

and I don't think anyone will take the bet.

I'll take it all.

- Shall we? - Think I oughta press my luck?

Oh, yes, you can't lose. I feel it.

- No card. - Seven.

Oh, no, no, no, I-I..

Come in.

How much is missing tonight?

Uh, 20 francs.

I bought some flowers

for a beautiful girl.

Any objections?

I have your half.

Oh, Nigel, how lovely.

How did the colonel take his reverses?

- Like a little man. - Why shouldn't he?

It's a small price for a millionaire to pay

to be seen with the most provocative woman in all Europe.

Oh, you are generous tonight.

Entrez.

Lady Loverly.

Mr. Duxbury, the Prince of Monaco

presents his compliments.

Oh, how charming of him.

We have observed you for several evenings.

In the casino, you are not acquainted.

In Lady Loverly's suite

you apparently are acquainted.

This gentlemen is with the Prefecture of Police.

He has some advice for you.

Madame.Monsieur.

It would relieve both

the principality of Monaco and yourselves

of further embarrassment, if you would leave

the principality at your earliest convenience.

There's an excellent train at noon

with first class accommodation.

Bon voyage.

Ah, decent sort of chaps, weren't they?

Oh, Nigel, this is awful.

Those men were police

asking us to leave the country.

'Well, there are other countries.'

You're upset, aren't you?

Yes, of course I am. Who wouldn't be?

Being treated like a common criminal.

Oh, there's nothing common about us.

Look, Jane, you have to expect this sort

of thing to happen occasionally in our sort of, uh...work.

But if you find it too sticky

if you wanna cut and run, you just say the word.

Trying to get rid of me?

No, no, I'm just trying to make it easy for you.

After all, this is far from England

and I'm a man, I don't mind.

This is easy kind of stuff for me. I don't mind.

Nigel.

There must be other countries.

There's Italy, for one.

Italy for two.

Signora Parqesa.

Signore.

The authority of the International Settlement

believes that the International Settlement

will be less international, but more--

Settled?

In the benefit of our absence.

We are happy we make ourself clear.

We leave tomorrow.

May I ask in which direction we're leaving?

We've been invited out of every country to the West.

And to the East, there's a very large ocean.

The other side of which lies America.

Where you've always wanted to immigrate.

Wish I'd done it in the first place.

Bit like prison, this, isn't it?

Hope it isn't an omen.

Oh, don't be melancholy.

America's a very rich country.

It's full of gold mines

oil wells and millionaires.

Well, any two of those would be nice.

As a matter of fact, it'll take about all our money

for two first-class passengers to San Francisco.

We could, um..

...share the same cabin.

I'm just trying to be economical.

We'll take two cabins.

Well, you say we can't afford them.

Un-unless we sell the earrings.

Going to capital?

Never.

What can we do then?

I know.

You can go steerage.

What?

Come in.

Oh, frightfully nice of you to drop in, I must say.

Listen to this.

"Marchioness arrives.

"Rejects invitations.

"Insists on seclusion.

"Lady Loverly, upon her arrival in San Francisco

"refused to admit the bevy of reporters

"who stormed her hotel suite.

"The beautiful and regal visitor

"offered no comment regarding

the purpose of her stay in the Bay City."

Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Oh, that's very nice, but you can't eat newspaper headlines.

You sound a little testy.

I am testy. We've got to get to work, Nigel.

Have you any idea what these rooms are costing?

Yes, they're attractive, aren't they?

Much more so than my vermin-infested billet

on the waterfront.

- More social climbers? - Oh, dozens.

Ah, it's the penalty of bearing a great name, my dear.

Oh, sweets. Good.

Wish somebody had sent us a side of beef.

We may need it.

If all goes well, you can buy

yourself your own cattle ranch.

How are things going, by the way?

Invitations by the dozen.

- Anything good? - A few possibles.

Now, here's one from the governor's mansion

in Sacramento.

No, governors never have any money.

Mr. and Mrs. Algernon McAfee respectfully request

the pleasure of my company at a costume ball.

Why don't you go as a lady's maid?

Oh, shut up.

Mr. and Mrs. Bruno Thayer

want me for lunch.

Oh, let's give Bruno a bit of thought.

He has a bank down on Market Street.

Nigel, lunch won't be served in the vault.

Here's one on rather nice paper

asking me for tea on Tuesday.

- What name? - "Mrs. Julia...Wortin."

Banco. She's the biggest trout of them all.

The rest are just minnows. Listen.

"Wortin, Mrs. Julia, nee Dugan.

"Born Omaha, Nebraska.

"Widow of Hector Wortin.

"President, Founder's Society of California.

"President, WortinSailors Home.

"President, Wortin Petroleum Company.

"President, Wortin Steam Supplies.

Yeah, we came over on one of her boats, didn't we?

I thought it was rather charming.

It was not charming in the steerage.

- Aw-w-w. - Ah-h.

And she's also the owner of the Blankensop diamond.

Well, do I hold her up with a pearl-handled pistol?

- Is that the plan? - Don't be so vulgar.

Well, what then?

Come and sit down.

- Quick. - Where?

- Sit. - Really, Nigel.

Now get..

...a pen and paper and write what I say.

Oh, I'm perfectly capable of composing my own notes.

And I acquired an excellent literary style

at the best of schools and we may as well use it.

Now, then, begin.

- Alright, go ahead. - Uh..

Lady Loverly regrets..

...she is unable..

...to accept..

...accept..

...Mrs. Wortin's..

...invitation..

...of the fifth..

- For the fifth. - For the fifth. I'm sorry.

But...if Mrs. Wortin..

...will honor her by--

Nigel, I can't write if you keep breathing on my neck.

Well, I've got to breathe and it's a very beautiful neck.

You promised that our relationship

was going to be "incredibly pure."

Yes. Now it's purely incredible.

Well, come on, let's get on with it.

Now, where were we?

You refused Mrs. Wortin's invitation

and you were about to ask her here instead.

Well, for what purpose?

How do we know she plays cards?

Jane, I have a statement of policy to make.

We are through cheating at cards.

We are turning over a new leaf.

Oh?

How are we going to eat?

We are going to pinch

Mrs. Wortin's jewels.

You really are the most dishonest

the most immoral

the most dissolute..

Think we can get away with it?

Mrs. Wortin. You honor us.

Take me to Lady Loverly's suite.

I'm having tea with her.

Really?

What do you mean, "Really?"

Well, simply that to date, she's received no one.

She'll receive me. Up we go.

Cream, Mrs. Wortin?

Lots. Drowns out the taste of the tea.

At home, I usually serve oolong

but I find it rather difficult to get here.

I'll send you a barrel.

Oh, you're kind.

Not kind, eager.

I know everybody in town's been trying to bust in on you

and I'm the only one who made it.

Why?

Your heart, Mrs. Wortin.

Even in England we've heard of your charities.

And I am specially interested

in your Home For Fallen Sailors.

I'm cra-a-azy about the navy.

Ah, I can understand that.

Father was an admiral.

Maybe you'd like to come see my boys.

Well, I'm afraid I can't manage that

but I would like to send a contribution.

I'll, uh, I'll write to my solicitor in London.

Tell him to send you a check.

Got a heart of your own, haven't you?

Ah, it's just because I know how much it means to you.

You see, I have a pet charity too.

What's yours?

The Nile Fund.

Ah, Mrs. Wortin, if you could just see those little faces

shining when they hear the fund is on the way.

I'd like to make their faces shine a lot more.

Oh, I wonder who that is.

- Yes? - Good afternoon, my lady.

- Uh? - I'm-I'm Hoskins, my lady.

Oh, yes, Hoskins.

I, uh, I quite forgot you were coming.

Well, another day will do, my lady.

Oh, no, no. Come in, Hoskins.

Mrs. Wortin, you don't mind if I give Hoskins a minute, do you?

Go ahead.

Sit down.

Sit down. You make me nervous.

Now I haven't much time, Hoskins. What's your problem?

Well, as I made bold to mention in my note to you, my lady

I have been traveling ever since

His Highness' untimely death.

Uh, Hoskins was butler to old Prince William.

Such a darling man.

Gout finally got him.

Almost his very last words were of you, my lady.

Poor, poor porky.

'He was always very generous to me'

but in a way, it was my downfall.

I have always been something of a gaming man

and I met two American gentlemen

who taught me a game of chance called

uh, craps.

Well, you get no sympathy from me, Hoskins.

I disapprove of gambling. Don't you, Mrs. Wortin?

You bet your boots!

Unless it's a sure thing.

Well, it-it's one thing for you

but it's quite another thing

for a person of limited means.

Now, the best thing for you, Hoskins, is to try

and get back into service as soon as possible.

You should have no difficulty in finding another situation.

Perhaps, uh, even at Buckingham Palace.

I'll write to them.

Thank you, my lady.

Madam..

...I had hoped to stop in San Francisco.

Whatever for?

Because, my lady, it is my conviction

that one day San Francisco will be

the greatest city in the world.

Bully for you! Ha ha.

Thank you, madam.

I wonder if my lady could help me find a situation here.

Well, I'm afraid I don't know anybody here

Hoskins, except Mrs. Wortin.

Perhaps madam could inquire among her friends?

What are your wages?

Well, I'm rather expensive, madam

but if I may so, I'm worth it.

Tell you what you do.

You go downstairs, wait for me in the lobby

and we'll haggle around a little bit

and try and make a deal.

- Good afternoon. - Your umbrella.

- Hmm? - Some more tea, Mrs. Wortin?

'No, thank you.'

I've got to be going in a minute.

Got a board of directors meeting.

Seeing Hoskins again has made me so homesick.

I do miss England, yet I'm afraid to go back.

Why?

Well, uh, since poor Percy left us..

...I've just been traveling around the world, you know.

Riviera, St. Petersburg, Shanghai, trying to..

Oh, I mustn't burden you with my troubles.

Go ahead.

I think perhaps I've been away

from my home and gardens too long.

I'm getting so tired of hotels.

And I miss my lovely roses.

Say, I've got a whale of a house

down on the peninsula with all the roses you want.

Come spend the weekend.

Oh, dear, Mrs. Wortin

you are kind.

But, uh, we scarcely know each other.

Oh, don't worry about that.

We'll be friends in no time.

It's true, we do have a lot in common

don't we? Our-our charities, for instance.

Oh! How do you like that?

I plum forgot about your Nile Find.

Oh, don't bother now. I wasn't suggesting--

Oh, got it right here.

The sooner, the quicker.

You are generous.

You may be very sure that this

will be put to good use.

Good morning, madam.

The temperature is 68 degrees

with a moderate westerly breeze.

It promises fair.

I look forward to your weather report, Hoskins.

I risked kidneys for madam this morning.

I'm crazy about kidneys.

With my compliments, madam.

Oh, thank you, Hoskins.

I hope madam won't be too angry with me

but I put Lady Loverly in the pink room.

But the gold room's a lot more stylish.

I think her ladyship would like to be close to you, madam.

- You do? - Oh, definitely.

I've given the gold to Mr. Collans

which puts Mrs. Pemberson in the blue.

But the blue room looks more masculine for Mr. Collans.

Ah, I've transferred the humidor, the ashtrays

and the cuspidor into the gold room.

It gives a very surprising look, madam.

I want this party to be a knockout.

Well, madam has assembled the most impressive guest list.

Well, the fact is

madam's a snob.

That's why she hired you.

Drop His Highness' name as often as possible, Hoskins.

Anything madam wishes. Is there anything else, madam?

Guess I might as well come clean with you.

I went overboard.

I told everybody I call Lady Loverly by her first name.

And I don't even know it.

Uh, it's Jane, madam.

And I told them that she calls me Julia.

Guess I'm stuck.

Well, may I suggest you just say

"How do you do, Jane?"

Good breeding will demand that she

reply in kind.

You think so?

I give you my personal guarantee, madam.

Do I have your personal guarantee that she'll come?

I'm sure her ladyship is looking forward

to this weekend as being very rewarding.

Good afternoon, Hoskins.

Good afternoon, my lady.

Call the old tramp Julia and have a headache.

Hello, Jane.

My dear Julia, how very nice to see you.

Now, come on in and meet my friends.

Julia, forgive me. I have ever so slight a headache.

I wonder, could, uh, could Hoskins show me to my room?

- Well, I'll take you up myself. - Oh, no, please don't bother.

Oh, it's no bother. Come along.

V-very well.

I hope your friends will forgive me.

I'm looking forward to meeting them later.

I hope you don't mind meeting one of them now.

Lady Loverly, this is Mr. Tracy Collans from Boston.

How do you do?

Very much better, now that my

curiosity is satisfied.

I was under the impression that we might have met

during one of my visits to London.

Uh, I travel a good deal.

England couldn't have a more charming ambassador.

Well, thank you, I'm not sure the foreign office

would agree with you. Excuse me.

Only on condition that you save me

a waltz and two polkas tonight.

- Waltz? Polkas? - I didn't tell you, Jane.

I'm giving a whopping ball for you.

Oh, Julia, you are naughty.

Do you grant my request, Lady Loverly?

You're quite, uh, enterprising, aren't you, Mr. Collans?

That's why he's such a successful banker.

We've got a deal on now and he's trying to get my eye teeth.

Well, I'm glad you warned me. I shall keep my mouth closed.

Uh, Hoskins..

...place me next to Lady Loverly at supper.

That might be a bit of a problem, sir.

Uh, solve it, Hoskins

and I'll make it worth your while.

- Bribery, sir? - Yes.

I just wanted to make sure.

Well, where is she?

Uh, headachy.

Headaches are so convenient.

Some women really have them.

Cora had her first on our honeymoon.

It never left me.

Would you care for a cup of tea, Mr. Caighn?

I don't hold with tea. I'll have a big fat cup of coffee.

You drink too much coffee, Horace.

It's bad for your liver.

You're not as young as you used to be.

Personally, I adore mature men.

Coffee for Mr. Caighn, black and piping hot.

And don't fill the cup.

Mr. Caighn can't bear a brimming cup.

May I suggest a pony of brandy in your tea, Mrs. Caighn?

His Highness couldn't resist it.

Oh! That sounds delicious.

No brandy for me, Hoskins. I can't bear women who drink.

You mean you can't bear women who wanna keep their husbands.

Uh, ahem, won't you try some of our shortbread

with your tea, madam?

It's a Belmoral recipe I gave cook.

One of Lady Loverly's favorites.

What other favorites does Lady Loverly have, Hoskins?

Uh, diamond earrings, madam

and, uh, lettuce straight from the garden.

She's also very partial with turbot of Alaska

served with a Graves superior '97.

Oh, so, Lady Loverly isn't above

taking a drink now and then.

Lady Loverly's cellar is matched

only by that of the Duke de Guise.

Though I fancy her Madeiras are superior.

From what I hear, her figure isn't bad either.

Oh, you put it crudely, Mr. Caighn.

In my considerable opinion

Lady Loverly is out of Botticelli.

- Hmm. - 'Hoskins! Hoskins!'

Hoskins, hurry. Lady Loverly is perishing for a dish of tea.

She says dish, not cup.

Wouldn't that kill you?

I have brought your tea, my lady.

Oh, thank you, Hoskins.

- What did that gibberish mean? - Who knows?

It's something the gardener keeps saying to the second maid.

She always runs like a mink.

Oh, Nigel.

You're the first butler I ever saw in my life

who really looks like a butler.

Well, I'm also living like one.

But it may be worth it.

Look.

I have seen some of her jewels.

They're fantastic.

She has a necklace that's worth a fortune.

Why don't we

take the Blankensop diamond?

No, we couldn't dispose of it. It's too well-known.

No, the necklace is the thing. We can live on it for years.

One stone at a time.

It's like having shares in the Bank of England.

Well, how do we acquire these shares?

Well, that door leads to her bedroom.

Somewhere in there is the safe.

Where? I don't know.

But the key to it is in a gold chain

she wears around her neck.

She wears it night and day.

Oh, how very uncooperative.

She's more uncooperative than you think.

Each room in this house is equipped

with the latest thing in burglar alarms.

Look, they work by electricity.

"Electricity?"

Oh, Nigel.

You know, that headache you asked me to have?

I've got it already.

Now, Jane, don't worry so.

Up to now, the worst that's happened

is that we've been asked to leave town.

If something goes wrong this time

we may very well be asked to stay..

...about 20 years.

Well, there are bound to be risks.

Otherwise, everyone and his dog would be doing it.

Well, have you got nothing planned?

Why, most certainly, I have, yes.

Uh-uh, uh, step number one, find the safe.

- Hmm. Step number two? - Uh, step number two, yes..

Come in.

I bring pillow like Missy Wortin said this morning.

Oh, how very clever of you. Well done.

Would you like some more tea, my lady?

Uh, no, thank you, Hoskins.

If my lady wishes anything, just ring.

I think I'll be able to help myself.

- Thank you. - Thank you, my lady.

'Oh, Furioso!'

That was splendid!

Gracias.

I must apologize for Furioso.

I thought he was frightened by the chickens.

Now I know he was trying to impress you.

He did impress me.

Oh, he's beautiful.

You are beautiful.

Aren't you rather forgetting yourself?

Maybe.

I always forget myself, senorita

when I'm near a beautiful woman.

'That must make you very...unreliable.'

Perhaps. It's in the blood of my family for a thousand years.

And I like it.

Senor Dinas, I thought you might like to know

that tea is now being served in the drawing room.

I would rather know who is the senorita with a face

like a gardenia.

I assume you refer to Lady Loverly.

Is she married?

- A widow, sir. - Bueno.

Not so frightfully bueno.

She was heartbroken by her husband's death

vowed never to look at another man.

But I do not want her to look at another man.

I want her to look at

Juan Miguel Esteban Dinas Y Martinez.

That's me.

I suggest you stay where you are, sir.

Her ladyship can never resist an attractive horse. Ha ha.

Mrs. Belpayasa.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

Lady Loverly, Marchioness of Pennyston.

Julia dear, what a perfectly lovely party.

- How's your headache, Jane? - Oh, it's disappeared.

- Thank you. - Oh, glad to hear it.

They're all waiting to meet you with their tongues hanging out.

Dear, me, I hope they haven't been too uncomfortable.

Um, Lady Loverly, this is Mrs. James Horace Caighn.

- How do you do, Mrs. Caighn? - How do you do?

What a perfectly fabulous necklace, Julia.

- Isn't it, Mrs. Caighn? - Oh, yes.

Biggest West of the Mississippi.

Those earrings of yours are not bad either.

Oh, my husband's first gift to me

my late husband, you know.

I, uh, I'm always terrified of losing them.

- Burglars. - Me too.

I keep all my junk bolted down.

Of course, at home, I have a safe.

A good idea.

But, uh, when one's traveling

it's so difficult to know where to keep things

so that they'll be safe, I mean.

Excuse me, ladies.

I'm quite sure this is our dance, Lady Loverly.

- Your train, my lady. - Thank you.

We meet again.

I breathe again.

- You've met? - Yes.

From far below this afternoon

I saw her up on the balcony looking like a..

A gardenia, sir?

Like a rose.

I must tell you that the rose thought

you were quite mad.

I saved this dance for you, Juan.

Oh, I'm, I'm awfully sorry.

I-I-I saved this one for Lady Loverly.

You will honor me next?

I doubt that I shall be free.

- May I? - This is an encore, Mr. Dinas.

- It is still my dance. - That's a technicality, senor.

It is my dance.

I shall dance with neither

and that will be fair to both.

Well, but not to you.

Hoskins, have you a coin?

Yes, my lady.

- Shall I flip it? - Oh, no, thank you.

I'll do my own flipping.

How do you call, gentlemen?

Tails.

I have no choice.

I'm left with heads.

You are left with me, senor.

The next dance, Mr. Collans.

My train, please, Hoskins.

Thank you.

My coin, please

my lady.

Oh. Sorry.

What is it this time, Hoskins?

What I hoped it would have been the first time, sir. Tails.

Thank you, Hoskins.

Forgive my saying so, sir

the quality of a gentleman never escapes

a gentleman's gentleman.

I've never seen such wonderful flowers.

Oh, you should see my fields of poppies and the Spanish bayonet

and the gardenias all around the estancia.

Two hundred years ago my ancestors built it..

...for you.

They must have had amazing foresight.

Come to my home tomorrow

and I will show you the real gold of California.

The sweet-smelling hay, and the plums, and the grapes

and the fat cattle and the pigs.

Do you like pigs, Lady Loverly?

I've met so few.

- And horses. - Oh, yes.

- Do you ride? - Oh, like a Cossack.

My father was a, well, he, that is

he-he knew a lot of Cossacks.

Fine, I'll send Fanchito for a horse.

The horse is a girl.

Forioso is in love with her.

Does she love him?

Passionately.

I beg your pardon.

The orchestra is about to commence number five.

Mrs. Pemberson wishes me to inform you

that she's waiting by the punch bowl.

Tell her to put her head in it.

Certainly, sir.

No, Hoskins, wait.

Senor Dinas, you promised her, you should go.

Well, uh, yes, but, uh

you will wait right here? You will not go?

The dance will be finished very quickly.

I doubt that, sir. It's one of Strauss' slow waltzes.

A minor work.

Well?

In one more moment, I suspect that

you'd have been thoroughly kissed.

Quite possibly.

That'd be a mistake.

Might be one mistake worth making.

You're behaving like a servant girl.

I'm behaving the way I want to for the first time in my life.

It's a pity I didn't realize how you wanted to behave.

Nigel.

- My lady. - Oh, stop it.

Did I say something wrong?

Nigel, must it be tonight?

Look, Jane

a weekend consists of three nights and two days.

If we fail tonight, we have two more chances.

If we fail tomorrow, we have one more chance.

As professional burglars, we must leave ourselves

the largest possible margin for error.

It must be tonight.

What must be tonight?

Uh, I was just about to recall to her ladyship

that it must be precisely three years ago tonight

that I first had the honor to serve her

at His Highness' shooting box.

Yes, indeed, Hoskins. How time flies.

It does indeed, my lady. Yes.

Whatever happened to Mrs. Pemberson?

Oh, it's, uh, it's my leg, yes.

It's an old story.

An injury.

A very old injury, yes.

Many years ago, a horse stepped on my toe--

And the, uh, the old injury

recurs at every convenient moment.

Uh, yes.

And heals miraculously..

...when I'm near a beautiful woman.

- Look, Hoskins. - Yes, madam.

Bully, isn't it?

Very bully, madam.

"Two hundred years ago..

"...my ancestors built it..

...for you."

For me.

Lady Loverly.

Julia?

'Come in!'

Where are you?

'I'm in here!'

'Soaking.'

'My feet are killin' me.'

Well, why not? You were the belle of the ball.

They all owe me money.

Oh, Julia, I know you'll think I'm being silly

but I'm rather worried about my earrings.

Is there any place where they'd be safe?

The safest place is in my safe.

The key's in the armchair.

Thank you.

Uh...where is the safe?

Behind my husband's picture on the fireplace.

'You'll find a button under the left hand side of the mantle.'

'Just push it and Hector will swing open.'

What do you think of him?

Hector.

Oh, very commanding.

He was at first.

But I took it out of him.

'You find the button?'

Yes, I have it.

'Think you'll ever marry again?'

Oh, I...I don't know, Julia.

'Is the safe still open?'

Yes, yes, I'm just about to close it.

'Do me a favor and put my necklace in.'

'It's on the dressing table.'

Yes, of course.

'You oughta marry again, Jane.'

Well, you didn't.

'At my age, a good cook'

'is more important than a husband.'

'What'd you say?'

Uh, nothing.

'Tracy Collans is crazy about ya.'

'The same we he's crazy about a gilt-edged bond.'

'Dinas is somethin' else!'

'He'd worry ya.'

'He'd drive ya cuckoo.'

'But you'd have yourself aman.'

Yes, I suppose I, I suppose I would.

'What'd you say?'

I-I suppose I would.

What shall I do with the key, Julia?

'Just leave it on the mantle.'

Goodnight, then, Julia, and thank you

for a perfectly wonderful evening.

Remember what I told you.

You'd have yourself a man.

I'll remember.

Nigel.

Good morning!

- Just a moment, my lady. - What is it?

That is exactly what I was about to ask you.

Well, I think you know the answer.

What am I to assume, is it off or merely postponed?

I don't know.

It's not very sporting of you to leave me..

...dangling like this.

Nigel, it's complicated.

I didn't want it to be complicated, but it's..

...it's complicated.

It is complicated.

That clears up everything, of course.

Now, listen to me, Jane Hoskins.

You cannot go on... putting me off like this.

- Good morning, Jane. - Good morning.

Uh, will you be back for lunch, my lady?

Definitely not.

Uh, perhaps it would be better if you didn't go.

The-the weather, sir. I'm afraid it may be a little complicated.

Into every life a little rain must fall.

Quite simply, I just thought I ought to warn you.

Can we count upon you tonight?

- Tonight? - Uh, for dinner, sir.

Hoskins is a very solicitous servant.

Almost too solicitous. Don't fret, my man.

Just go about your business as usual.

Thank you, my lady.

I shall hope for good weather, my lady.

- Oh, Hoskins. - 'Yes, sir.'

Where have they gone?

I-I couldn't say, sir.

Come in here.

Now, don't be discreet, Hoskins. Tell me man to man.

Unhappily, sir, that relationship doesn't obtain.

It is gentleman to man.

More bribery, sir?

I wish you'd find another word.

"A rose by any other name.."

They're spending the whole day at his estancia, sir.

Do you know who that man is? What kind of reputation he has?

I have heard rumors, sir, yes, I have.

Not only he, the whole kit and caboodle of them.

Mrs. Wortin, the... the Caighns, Mrs. Pemberson.

Not fit to-to..

Kiss the hem of her dress? Polish her boots?

Either one will do, sir.

Look here, Hoskins.

You may not be a gentleman, but you're..

...certainly closer to her than anyone else in this house.

- Oh, except you, sir. - Exactly.

And it's my opinion Lady Loverly's being

taken in by these people.

Indeed, sir?

I would only be shirking my duty

if I did not warn her.

Do you think she might consider it presumptuous

in view of the fact that I..

Oh, I understand, sir.

As Tennyson once said

"Love is a brook

from which one must drink delicately."

May I write that down?

Oh, of course. Yes.

I always make notes of what I'm going to say.

"The written word endures

"while the spoken one disappears

like water in the hot sands of time."

I'm quoting Omar Khayyam, sir.

Beautiful.

- May I? - Yes, please, sir.

I'm sure I can get both these things in.

Uh, in what, sir?

I'm planning to speak to her ladyship tonight.

It's so important that I want my thoughts to be in order.

Uh..

I was just thinking, sir..

No, I, I shouldn't say.

Oh, please, Hoskins, please.

Well, sir, it occurred to me..

...you might make a more telling presentation of your case

if you used your obvious talent for writing.

I dare say.

But actually, I wouldn't know how to phrase such a letter.

Well, my late employer..

...uh, the honorable Nigel Duxbury

a man of infinite charm and wit

al-always started at the beginning.

Logical.

Supremely logical.

What, Hoskins, would you say was the beginning?

Well, I would say, "Dear Lady Loverly.."

Does nobody in California live in a small house?

Not if he can live in a big one.

Wow. It's overpowering.

Well, I'm sure it's nothing compared

to your castle in England.

Did you find it overpowering?

I spend most of my time in the stables.

And I spend most of mine in the pigpen.

I'm developing a new breed.

Oh, they're charming.

Oh, I'd love to meet them.

First, I want you to meet my family.

My father and my mother.

I don't remember them very well.

I was very young when they died.

But...this is the one I remember best.

My grandfather..

...Juan Esteban Miguel Dinas Y. Garcia.

It was he who raised me.

He lived like a king, died like an emperor.

And this..

...this is my grandmother.

She has wonderful eyes.

My grandmother says they have to be

very sharp to keep up with me.

Jane, my grandmother, the Princess Margarita.

I am honored, madam.

Thank you.

She asking after the health of your king.

I believe His Majesty is devoting himself conscientiously

to affairs of state.

She says that the king should pay

more attention to his health.

She's going to write to him.

Does she really know him?

Who knows? She's such a great liar.

For instance, at the moment

she's pretending she cannot speak English.

Do you speak Spanish?

Uh, no, I'm afraid I don't.

Well, then maybe I can prevail

upon my grandmother to be civil.

Do you love her?

I do.

And you?

I have only known your grandson for two days.

That is a good sign.

Most women he knows only one day.

He is faithful to nothing but his horses.

Oh, you.

You are jealous of Jane

because she is young and you are old!

You have forgotten what it is to love.

He loves you or he would not shout at me.

I'm-I'm sorry.

I'm a wicked, ungrateful grandson.

You should disown me.

I have loved three men in my life.

His grandfather.

His father.

And him.

It is a work of art

to love a Dinas properly

and very tiring.

'I hope you will have the strength.'

Why do you turn away?

Why do you avoid my eyes?

Because unlike you, grandmother, she's shy and modest

and does not ask questions that are none of her business.

None of my business?

My grandson's wife is none of my business?

She may be like the others, trying to marry you

'for our name and our estates.'

You must be sure, Juan.

Go.

Take her to the warm sun

and ask her yourself.

I hope, Lady Loverly, that you will forgive me.

My grandson is right.

I'm jealous of you.

You have no need to be.

I have crossed two varieties.

I have taken the duroc sow pig

and mated it with a Jersey boar.

The result? Extra-large hams. Am I boring you?

Oh, no, I love every one of them and their extra-large hams.

Is this all yours?

Yes.

My grandfather stood on a hill and said

"I will own everything I see."

Oh, such a rich Earth.

Gives life to everything it touches.

It's so vast, it almost frightens me.

You'd be very happy here, Jane.

Oh, I am, I am. It's been a lovely day.

Tell me more about your pigs.

I love the little black and white ones

with the pink noses best of all.

They're all yours.

Eight thousand pigs I give you.

Well, I-I don't know just where I'm going to put them.

Oh, just leave 'em here.

The house will be yours too.

You will have a hundred servants.

And forever and always, my heart.

I love you, Jane.

Oh, Juan, it's impossible.

Is it because of my grandmother?

No.

No, it's not your grandmother.

Jane.

I know you love me.

What is it?

Don't...don't hurry me, Juan.

- If I don't, you will be gone. - Oh, no, no.

There's half the weekend left yet.

L-let's go back to the house and say goodbye to the princess.

We've come to say goodbye.

Goodbye, madam.

Juan, I wish to talk to you alone.

- Jane, I-- - No, it's alright.

I understand.

'Jane.'

What was all the shouting about?

Jane..

Come in.

Did you ring, my lady?

No, I didn't.

I thought not.

I hope you had a glittering, romantic day with that peasant.

Peasant?

His grandmother is the niece

of the King of Spain.

I have some titled relations myself.

He offered me a hundred servants

a house of my own, and 8,000 pigs.

- He wants to marry me, Nigel. - Oh.

So you're tiddling about with the idea

of relating yourself to the Spanish royal family?

- And why not? - Why not, indeed.

You once said you'd marry a man with 10,000 a year.

You've done considerably better.

I also said that I had no objection

to falling in love at the same time.

And have you?

Well, how could I know in 24 hours?

What do you know?

I know that he..

...he disturbs me.

I wish you all the happiness in the world.

What will you do? Will you go away?

Not until the end of the month when I'm paid my $30.

On that, I shall go around the world twice.

- Oh, Nigel. - Don't let's be sentimental.

On second thought, do let's.

Heretofore, I've refrained from kissing you.

But since it's goodbye...may I?

Yes. You may.

I should never have waited.

- Julia. - 'Come in.'

Julia, may I have my earrings?

The safe's open. Help yourself.

Thank you.

Buenas tardes, Senora Marquesa. I make 'em shine.

Yes, they look splendid.

Come in.

Hello.

Good heavens, Nigel, is this your room?

All of it.

But I...I thought you were

staying till the end of the month.

No, I changed my mind.

Here.

Take these.

Whatever for?

Well, you're gonna need money.

For the first time in my life, I'm embarrassed.

It's becoming.

Jane...we've deceived a great many people.

Too many.

But never each other. Not really.

Except once.

The plain fact is that in Shanghai I was so appalled

of the thought of having to travel steerage, I..

...I borrowed these.

I took them to a little man with a big glass in his eye

and a disreputable house in a flea bite street.

He offered me $50, mixed.

- Paste? - Paste.

Dear me.

I never would have thought it of Lady Minden.

Oh, I wasn't surprised.

So much about her was sham.

I hate her.

Oh, Nigel.

What are we going to do?

We?

What about you?

Well, what are the alternatives?

Well, you, um..

You could get another partner.

No, you've spoilt me.

Oh, I shall probably go back to England.

Well, how are you going to get there?

You can ask the Spanish royal family to send me a battleship.

And you can go to the devil.

Buenas tardes, Senora Marquesa. She shines more.

Yes.

Oh.

Forgotten something?

No, I, uh..

Nigel..

...I've been thinking

couldn't you pinch the silver?

Well, that's a very brilliant idea indeed.

I should leave the house with one bag and four barrels?

Well, it was just a suggestion.

But a very stupid one indeed.

Stupid?

Look here, my man.

I've been the brains of this combination

from the very beginning.

Oh, really?

Well, I, I seem to remember an evening at the Hotel Cecil

with Sir Roland Epping forcing

money upon us and all because of me.

From that point on, your contribution

has been purely decorative.

Indeed?

And may I ask who discovered

the location of Mrs. Wharton's safe?

A mere detail. I'd have uncovered it myself in time.

Really?

I'm delighted to know that you're so resourceful.

Then I shan't have to worry about you ever again.

- 'Goodbye.' - Bye.

Buenas tardes, Senora Marquesa. He is almost finished.

Yes.

I'm-I'm going with you.

You'd close that big house

and dismiss those 100 servants?

If I thought I had a chance of getting them and keeping them

I'd take it, but I haven't.

For one giddy moment

I thought you couldn't bear the idea of leaving me.

Oh, shut up.

I wish I'd never met you.

Or him.

I wish I was still working as a maid for your sister-in-law.

I wish I didn't feel anything for anybody.

I must say, I don't understand you.

Well, of course you don't!

You're not a woman.

Uh, I prefer the present arrangement.

Well I don't. We haven't a penny.

Ah, we'll think of something.

I was under the impression that we already had.

No, no, you've grown to like Mrs. Wortin and..

...and he's in the house.

It's too delicate a situation.

Oh, the best thing for you to do, is to stay on as a guest

and we'll think of other ways and means.

There are no other ways and means.

And I want to get out of here immediately.

Very well.

I shall just have to put delicacy aside

with the other luxuries that I can't afford.

I'll see you in the courtyard tonight.

- Jane. - Hmm?

Good luck.

Thank you, partner.

Julia?

Julia?

'Yes, Jane.'

Are you in the bath?

'Yeah.'

I'm sorry to trouble you again..

...but, uh, may I put my earrings away?

- 'Sure, help yourself.' - Thank you.

- Yes. - Let me in.

Juan, no. It's too late.

All evening you have avoided me.

- 'That's right.' - Why?

'I'll tell you tomorrow.'

There is something I must know before tomorrow.

'Do you hear me?'

Goodnight, Juan.

Panchito. Panchito.

Hey.

Uh, senor, uh.

Come on.

Good evening, sir.

Shall I kill him?

Not unless he makes trouble. In there.

Let's not do anythin' we'll hate ourselves

for in the morning, shall we?

You have something in your pocket. Give it to me.

Only on the condition that you forget that Lady--

You are in no position to make conditions.

Si, senor.

I see your point.

You, uh, you did that very well, Juan.

Now, do it again. The other way.

Is that the way to treat a man that has asked you to marry him?

Shh! Shh! Shh!

Is it?

I can't marry you, Juan.

Why not, Lady Loverly?

Many reasons.

Possibly one of them is that your name is not Lady Loverly?

My grandmother is a very suspicious woman.

Another reason might be the butler?

You go to his room.

You're servant is also very suspicious.

Yes, yes. It runs in the family.

What have you done with him?

Oh, Panchito is holding his hand.

I would like to hold yours.

This afternoon you wanted to marry me.

This afternoon you were the kind of a woman one marries.

I suggest that you leave this room.

When one is discussing this sort of thing

one should not be interrupted.

What sort of thing?

Well, the fact that if I leave this room

I...I will have to call the police.

Oh, and you want me to..

...persuade you not to call the police?

I'm sure you can be very persuasive?

If, uh, if we arrive at this..

...this bargain, you, you won't make any trouble for him?

I don't think you're very clever to keep talking about him.

I am a very jealous man.

We're thieves together, nothing else.

Oh, the stupid. I..

I don't think either of us is very stupid, Mr. Dina--

Shh!

And I suggest that you leave this room.

- If you don't, I.. - If I don't?

If you don't..

...I shall ring this alarm that they tell me arouses

the entire house.

Oh, now, why would you do such a silly thing?

Between spending one more moment in this room with you

and going to jail, I prefer jail.

I don't believe you.

No?

No.

That would make it very awkward for you.

But not for you.

You just explain how you..

...caught the thieves, you'd be rather a hero.

Will you go?

No.

Jane!

Jane! Are you alright?

I'm not in the least alright.

- What are you doing in here? - Well, I..

That's what everybody will want to know.

Will you please open the door, Mr. Dinas?

It happens every time.

You let one of these hot-blooded Latin's

in the house, and bells begin ringing.

Same thing happens to me every time

I get out in San Diego.

Uh, Lady Loverly, what's wrong?

Senor Dinas will explain.

Presenting, Senor Dinas.

Well, the explanation is obvious.

I forced my way into this room and locked the door.

Lady Loverly, did not welcome my attentions.

I owe you all an apology.

Chiefly, Lady Loverly.

I hope she will forgive me.

You should be horse whipped.

I agree, senor, but, uh..

...you are not a man to do it.

Senor Dinas has apologized.

The kindest thing will be to forget it.

Never in your life.

I've let him and his grandmother

say nothin' of those pigs

go on living at the palace as if he owned it.

Well, they don't.

He's been borrowing on it for me for years.

In the morning, you and your pigs will be on the street.

- Please, Mrs. Wortin. - No, Jane, no.

I'm always ready to pay for my mistakes.

You've made only one mistake.

A very generous one.

Don't.

Hey!

He's got a necklace just like mine.

It's yours. I stole it out of your safe.

Jumpin' cats.

'What a perfectly delightful scandal.'

I just can't wait to get back to town.

Come on. Let's go see what she's done with the rest of my junk.

Light the lamp please, somebody, so I can see where I'm going.

Wait.

Since I made another mistake..

...I hope it's not too late to correct it.

Come. We'll go out the same way I came in.

Did you ring, madam?

Hoskins.

We have no need of you at the moment, Hoskins.

I would suggest that you return to your quarters.

'Oh, no. You don't.'

Stay right where you are.

This is gonna shock you, Hoskins.

But your friend, Lady Loverly is a crook.

Lady Loverly, the Marchioness of Pennyston.

The darling of Mayfair? Incredible.

- She swiped this. - Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

That's appalling. Allow me.

Now, you have made a mistake, Mrs. Wortin.

How?

You will find out in a moment, madam.

What have you done to Panchito?

He looked rather tired. I lulled him back to sleep.

Oh, I'm getting tired of this palaver.

Hoskins, call the sheriff.

That if I may say so, madam

would be the supreme mistake.

You see mine is the mastermind behind this robbery.

Oh, now don't shoot. Don't shoot.

Please, Mrs. Wortin, don't be alarmed.

All we ask is a carriage and a pass--

There's no point in running away.

They'll call the police before you're gone.

No. No, they won't.

I have here a pass through the enemies' lines.

A letter written to you by Mr. Tracy Collans.

I doubt if anyone will want to go the police

when they've heard what's in it.

Why, this is outrageous.

I demand that you return that letter to me at once.

But the letter is clearly mine, Mr. Collans.

It's addressed to me in what I presume is your own handwriting.

But it was his idea for me to write it.

Oh, thanks, partner.

Oh, always prepared for a rainy day and all that sort of thing.

Well, I suggest you read it, Jane.

Read it? Aloud.

At the top of your voice if you don't mind.

I refuse to stay in this room and be insulted.

Oh, please don't leave us, Mr. Collans. I beg of you.

Nigel is much too modest to tell you

that he as the best shot in Coldstream Guards.

Well, you, uh, you all seem to be

in this in one way or another.

So, if you have to listen why not make yourselves comfortable?

Ha, that's the most sensible thing I've heard tonight.

Yes, please tell us.

Well, here we go then.

- "My dear, Lady Loverly." - I protest.

Oh, you're interrupting, Mr. Collans.

"My dear, Lady Loverly.

"I am of two minds as I write this.

"First, I have conceived a... a devotion to you

"which I hope may blossom into something

of a more endearing nature."

Well, I...I'm sure that's no longer true, Mr. Collans.

But thank you just the same.

You never had a chance.

You're much too anemic.

'I'd like to get one night sleep without you hearing things.'

I don't care what you say. I distinctly heard bells.

My wife is always hearing bells.

She heard bells, alright.

Is there anything wrong?

Anything wrong?

'Lady Loverly only stole Mrs. Wortin's necklace.'

- 'That's all.' - Oh, no.

And now, she's about to read a letter from Mr. Collans

that tells just everything about everybody.

Say, this sounds like pretty spicy stuff.

Oh, it is, Mr. Caighn, and, uh, some it's about you.

It seems that Mr. Collans, is, uh, quite broad-minded

about the way you squandered your own fortune

but, uh, he takes a dim view of your courting other women

on your wife's money.

Your wife's money?

That's what it says here, Mrs. Pemberson.

Of course, it's no concern of mine.

Well, there's a bit on page four that might be.

It, uh, it tells why your husband divorced you.

It's a lie.

Oh, very well, then I shan't read it.

'Uh, Jane..'

...no, I say it myself.

This letter has a nice round of literary style.

Uh, do please start at the beginning.

The first part is devoted to some rather personal comments

about Mr. Dinas. Nigel, I don't want to read this.

Oh, it's just that according to Mr. Collans here

you've been involved with half

the married women in San Francisco.

Oh, do not be upset Mr. Collans.

I...I made no plans to go to Boston.

Then, there's a rather long passage about our hostess.

Really, Julia, I-I prefer to skip this part.

Not me.

My ears are flattened. Go ahead.

Well, there's a great deal about how you made your money.

Mr. Collans, of course, doesn't approve.

- He-he uses the word "theft." - But-but on the contrary I..

You might not like the way I made it, Mr. Collans.

But I've got it.

- Isn't this lifeless? - But I'm not.

- What else does it say? - Oh, plenty.

He mentions that you began your career on the..

...the Barbary Coast?

It wasn't the Barbary Coast.

It was a lot farther uptown.

Then, there are further comments about all of you

that I'd, I'd rather not read in public.

Anyhow I assume you, you all know the worst about yourselves.

'Towards the end Mr. Collans..'

...well gets back to me.

He continues to be my humble and devoted servant

and hopes that one day there maybe a chance..

...et cetera..

Oh..

Et cetera...et cetera.

I've a lot of proposals in my time

but none so heavily documented.

I could not believe you capable of this, Lady Loverly.

Oh, not Lady Loverly, Mr. Collans. Hoskins.

'Jane Hoskins.'

Hoskins?

Is he your husband?

Oh. Oh, no!

The name is Duxbury.

The honorable Nigel.

Honorable, indeed.

I think this is the most disgraceful thing

I ever heard of in my life.

What are we going to do with these people?

I'd put it the other way, Mr. Caighn.

What are we gonna do with you?

Well, I think it will be best for all concerned

if we forgot this sully episode.

I'll give you $1,000 for the letter.

- More bribery, Mr. Collans? - I'll give you two.

Why do you want it?

I want to blackmail you.

I'll give you 3000.

- I'll give you four. - Don't sell it to her.

I'll give you five.

With whose money?

- 'I'll give you six.' - Ten!

Fifteen.

Jane, I must apologize for bringing you to this household.

If I knew what kind of people they were.

I'd never have dreamt of doing such a thing.

Oh, don't blame yourself. How could you know?

I have offered you, $15,000 for that letter.

- Do I get it? - Well..

It's a lot of money, Mr. Collans.

But, uh, the auction isn't over yet.

I haven't heard a bid from Mr. Dinas.

Uh, Mr. Dinas cannot afford blackmail.

But this afternoon I made my only and final offer.

Everything I possess or ever will..

...that offer still stands.

Nigel, did you feel that cool, clean breeze

that just came into this room?

I felt a rather sharp draft.

I know how hard you worked but..

...may I?

It's your property, Jane.

Juan, you take it.

Use it anyway you wish.

It...it might be a way of keeping your house and..

...all those nice pigs.

Oh, he can keep his house

And his nice little pigs.

I'm not mad at Juan. Matter of fact, I'm not mad at anybody.

I haven't had as much as fun

since the fleet came back from Manila.

I'll keep the letter Jane.

But only for your protection.

You mean to say you're gonna condone these criminals.

Listen, little Nemo, the only difference

between you and them is that they got caught.

Well, I for one will leave this house

the first thing in the morning.

'I should think you would.'

I can't wait to get out of this house.

I can understand that.

Oh, there's no need for you to spoil

your weekend on my account...because..

...I shall be leaving first thing in the morning myself.

With, uh, with your permission, Julia.

Oh, you don't have to leave, Jane.

You can stay as long as you like.

After all, I've got the necklace.

Oh, Nigel, what do you say when the lady you've tried to rob

insists on being so nice?

I'm sorry, it does seem a bit inadequate.

And I am sorry.

Sorry for so many things.

Julia, I think it's best that I do leave.

So, if you'll excuse me I'll go and pack now.

Hey!

'Which one of the boys you goin' with?'

Neither.

I'm going alone.

You ought to be run out of town on a rail.

Oh, go on, get out of here.

The whole the whole kit and caboodle of ya

or I'll start writing letters.

- 'Really, I've never..' - 'I tell you I was minding..'

- Your artillery, madam. - Thank you, Hoskins.

Oh!

She's crying.

And it's your fault.

You have brought her this.

- I have? - Yes, you.

Such a nice person living that sort of life.

It is clear that you've taken advantage of her.

That's ridiculous.

She's crying 'cause you're kind to her.

When you care to be kind to her at a moment like that.

Well?

Well, we may as well, uh..

Gotta get some sleep.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

That's a...an excellent idea.

Goodnight.

Goodnight.

Uh, if I appear not to trust you

it's only because I don't.

Oh...I have no intention..

...of going away and leaving you here..

...on the lady's doorstep.

- You haven't? - No.

- I was afraid of that. - Oh, you were?

Yeah.

Well, while we're waiting..

...w-watching each other why-why don't we..

drink some of Mrs. Wortin's brandy?

Oh, I have no objection to that.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

I...I came to say goodbye.

Well, that's more than the others did.

They grabbed all my carriages and disappeared like

beer at a policemen's picnic.

I'm going to do just the same thing.

Oh, what's your hurry?

Sit down. Split a kidney with me.

Well, thanks, no.

I really would like to leave

before I see either Nigel or Juan.

I think you're just a little bit too late.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

Well, will you tell the ladies about decision, Juan?

Well, perhaps you should, Nigel.

You have a better command of English.

You have a charming accent.

You two are very matey.

Yes, yes.

As Nigel says there is no reason

why gentlemen should quarrel.

Oh, is that what you wanted to tell us?

Uh, no, that was, uh, parenthetical.

Jane..

...we have talked the whole matter out

Nigel and I.

And it is clear to both of us that you must give up your

unfortunate association with him and marry me.

Well, we-we fear there maybe

a certain awkwardness with my grandmother

Nigel and I feel it can be worked out.

And what else do Nigel and you feel?

We feel I can make you happy.

In all fairness, I must tell you that we didn't come

to this decision because of any lack of affection

on Nigel's part, on the contrary, it is because

of his deep concern for your future that he has agreed.

Seems to be very, very unselfish, Jane

and you should be very proud that he loves you.

Loves me?

Do you love me, Nigel?

Actually, I-I adore you, yes.

I see no indication of it.

Oh, I'm a man of...tremendous self-control.

I must admit there have been certain times when I've..

...almost let it go.

Oh, really, which times?

You know there's no good poking about in the past.

No...you'll be happy, you two.

Well, may I be the first to give you...a wedding present.

Jane... these aren't paste.

I, I lied you to deliberately to play upon your...sympathy.

To make you behave..

...exactly as you did.

You blaggard.

It's all shining crystal clear!

All these time you had some

filthy, cunning, little scheme up your sleeve

and I'm to have no part of it.

No part of it, eh?

Well, at the risk of being accused of understatement.

I'll tell you that you're un-mitigated

double-dealing, mealymouthed

underhanded scoundrel!

And I should have known it from the first.

You got bad blood in you. It's in the family.

You're weak, you're all weak!

You should see his twin brother Lord Minden.

A-a-a mean, arrogant

frozen fish!

And you look exactly alike.

Exactly alike, ladies and gentleman, exactly.

You'd sound like a screaming

caterwauling cat from a stable and why not?

That's where you spent most of your life.

That does it.

That really does it.

How could I ever have been such a fool

as to be in love with you?

- In love with me? - Well, of course, I was.

But you're too stupid to see it.

Well, now, I loathe you.

Do you understand that?

I absolutely loathe you.

I've never loathed anyone in my life as much.

Juan, I, I'm ready to go with you now.

But I'm not ready to take you, Jane.

But I want to go with you.

No, you don't.

- You want him. - Oh, no. I...I hate him.

Jane..

...if ever I find a woman who can

hate me so...so passionately

then I will know it is love.

Goodbye and..

...good luck to you.

Adios, amigos.

And may God go with you.

You beast, see what you've done?

I wonder..

...could you possibly arrange for a carriage now?

I find myself suddenly in rather a hurry.

- Well, I'll see what I can do. - Thank you.

Here.

Where are you going and... what are you going to do?

That's no possible concern of yours.

On the contrary, it's my only concern.

Look, Jane, sell these earrings

and go to your cousin in Brooklyn.

I don't want any advice from you.

Yes, you do.

You're just a babe in arms.

Most men have no principle whatsoever

where women are concerned.

Look, may I stay with you

just till I'm sure you're safe.

You have some sort of a plan, haven't you?

Yes, I have.

I happened to have fallen in love and I..

plan to be worthy of it if I can.

Look, in this little book

I have the name of names of all our, our clients.

I've planned to pay them all back every penny

even though it means going to work.

Oh, it sounds like a lovely plan, Nigel.

Why don't you let me help?

Be faster that way.

You know, we're pretty good together.

Oh, don't say things like that to me.

It makes me feel very odd.

No carriages.

'Mrs. Wortin.'

Good morning, sheriff.

Mornin', Mrs. Wortin.

Well, sheriff, what are you doin' here?

Looking for a man named Duxbury

and the young woman name of Hoskins.

Now, everything is alright.

I got my necklace back.

And I'm not going to make any charges.

So, just forget the whole thing.

Don't know nothing about a necklace.

Come here, buster.

This is Inspector McGraw of Scotland Yard.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

Good morning, Ms. Hoskins.

Good morning.

Oh, it's...oh, it's, inspector..

- Eh, good morning, My Lord. - No, I'm not a lord.

I told you before, remember? I'm just a plain honorable man.

My information's a bit later than yours, My Lord.

You're brother passed away recently he did.

And now you're a Baron Minden.

Henry dead, how?

He was hunting grouse.

Killed by a grouse?

No, madam.

It seems that one member of the party

was a very poor shot.

Oh!

What a rum go for poor old Henry.

Rumgo,is that all you can say

when your only brother passes away?

Oh, I can say more. I never got on with him naturally.

But I was sorry for him, he was all dried up inside.

I always hoped he'd...cut loose and have some fun

before he called it a day.

Well..

...so you came all the distance to

to bring his this news, inspector--

Well, not exactly.

Well, Hoskins!

So, you're alord!

Oh, please, get up.

Now, you and Jane have got to stay a while

and I'll give a whale of a party for you.

Well, I'm afraid his lordship can't stay any longer, madam.

You see, I'm here on the king's business.

The king's business?

This is United States of America.

No king's got any business here.

Eh, sheriff?

Well, ma'am, it so happens

he has an extradition order.

I am very sorry, but I must place you both under arrest.

Arrest?

I'm consumed with curiosity.

Who makes the charges, inspector?

Sir Roland Epping.

He alleges that on the night of May 11

in the Hotel Cecil

you mocked him out of a hundred pounds for a bogus charity

called the Nile Fund.

Oh, theNile Fund.

Oh, theNile Fund.

Little faces now losing their shine.

Are ours.

'Well, I suppose we have to go. He's got the paper.'

You chaps are really bloodhounds, aren't you?

We...try to do our jobs.

And now that we've met again, I don't like to rush you, but..

...I would like to be getting home to the misses.

She was expecting me for tea.

Fourteen months ago.

Oh, we mustn't keep the inspector another moment.

No, certainly not.

Well, it's goodbye, dear Julia.

You have been generous to us.

I'll miss you, Jane.

Goodbye, Julia.

You must come see us in..

How long do you think, inspector?

With good behavior, not very long, My Lord.

When you get to London, we'll give you a whale of a party.

Jane..

...do you mind?

Of course, not.

Bye.

Nigel...do you mind?

No, of course not.

Julia, I know it doesn't make up for our dreadful behavior

but I would like you to have those.

Oh, thank you, Jane.

Hey! Weren't these a gift from your husband?

I hope so.