Original subtitles

There are great opportunities

for new talent in television.

I know, from my own beginnings in radio,

how important that first break can be.

And I've tried to offer such a beginning

to new performers on this program.

In a sense, that's what I'm doing now too,

having run out of fresh, exciting, new ideas

to bring you myself,

I feel I should give somebody else a turn.

At any rate,

this is in no sense a valedictory.

In fact, if anything,

it's more of a valentine to a network

and a profession that have been very good to me.

I hope I have given them a good run for their money.

And who knows?

Some day I may re-enter the lists with a new saber,

neither broken nor bent, and plow up the field

all over again.

So now thank you, goodbye, good night.

Come on, Leica.

We're going to go home.

Come on. Come on.

♪ ♪

Larry: You think I should mention God?

What do you mean?

You know, in the closing goodbye.

"God bless you," something in that, uh, vein or--

Well, hell, we've plugged everybody else on the planet,

let's give the deity His due.

I just want to say a heartfelt and deeply sincere

thank you for the opportunity you've-- you've given me.

The last 10 years have been your glorious gift...

to the people of this country...

but they have also been a gift...

to a man by the name of Hank Kingsley.

(sighs) Wow.

(sighs) Okay?

Oh, yeah. Okay.

(breathing shakily)

(emotionally) Here's all the cards.

(crying) Please, sweetheart.

I thought she stopped.

Yeah, for about two seconds.

I think the hormones from the baby.

Beverly, come on.

You're gonna get me started and believe me,

nobody needs to see that.

You should have seen me at the end of "Titanic."

(emotionally) You think those people in the water were wailing?

Oh god!

Oh please, people, come on!

Larry doesn't want to have any display of emotion.

He wants to stay focused on the show.

Just suck it up.

Yes, sir. Thank you.

(crumbles paper)

(crying)

Oh, fuckin' buncha bullshit.

Hey, Larry. Hey.

Hey. Phil, how's it going?

Good.

Hey, listen, I was wondering...

you know the letters over by the band

that spell "Larry"? Mm-hmm.

I was wondering if I could-- if I could take those.

The letters? Yeah.

Yeah, no, I mean, not all of them or anything.

See, I have this buddy Ray, his name's Ray.

And I figured I could take the letters from--

that just spell his name, and then I could put them

on the lawn of his house tonight.

And then when he opens up the blinds tomorrow

and sees it tomorrow, it's like "Ray"! Yeah, well, you know,

I think that those letters

are owned by the, uh, network,

but if it was up to me, seriously,

you would not get them. (scoffs)

Come on, I mean they don't get give a shit.

They're gonna be in a dumpster after the show.

You know, tomorrow night after the show? Yeah?

You're fired. But for the last time, so celebrate.

Funny.

Don't ask me for the couch.

What-- at what point are you gonna thank me,

uh, tomorrow night on the show?

Because-- here's the deal-- I think...

my-- my "thank you"...

Uh-huh. ...should not come directly after yours,

'cause that would sound tit-for-tat.

Now, I think I should say my "thank you"

in the second half hour and yours, of course,

should come as close to the end as possible.

Uh-huh. And please give me a separate "thank you."

Don't lump me in with those fucking craft service retards.

Okay. Also, I need...

well, an exact script of what you're going to say... Uh-huh.

...because I think our thank yous should complement each other.

Like wedding vows.

Wh-- I think you should wear a veil.

I think we should come down the aisle together,

maybe in white. Excuse me, Larry?

Artie and Norman are waiting for you.

Well, I think we've done very well, Larry.

I mean, the people that we have... Yeah.

...for tomorrow night's show-- you know what?

I think it's a testament to-- to how respected

and admired and well-loved you are in the business.

Mmm. Who?

The emotional moment... Larry: Yeah?

...the lump in the throat?

Carol Burnett.

Hey!

Uh-huh. You think she'll cry?

Well... I didn't go so far as to make the request,

but that call can be made. Larry: Okay, good.

Who do we have to sing to me?

We have Clint Black locked.

That... is a man. That's a fucking man.

I don't want a fucking man singing to me. It's Clint!

You don't have to worry about the homoerotic underpinnings!

He's a country music singer!

But a man, nonetheless.

And I think, by the way,

we're a superstar short.

Did we have any luck on Jim Carrey?

Well, that's iffy, because we never let him plug "Ace Ventura."

Come on. Everyone thought he was too broad.

Who knew he was gonna be so...?

Hey. Hey, I think that's Warren Beatty in the parking lot.

He must still be putting the finishing touches on "Bulworth."

That's already out.

Well, the man is never satisfied.

Excuse me.

(elevator dings)

Hey, Warren.

Hey, Larry. Hey.

Uh, listen, how would you...

(pants)

like to come on my show tomorrow night

and just say a little goodbye to me?

'Cause, you know, it's the end of the whole...

thing tomorrow night.

I-- I could say goodbye to you now.

(engine starts) Yeah, but... (laughs)

there are no cameras or anything here.

Tomorrow night, millions of people.

We got a fantastic show. Yeah? Who you got?

We have Carol Burnett. We have...

Greg Kinnear, Sean Penn, Tom Petty, Clint Black.

Who? Clint Black, he's a country music singer.

He's gonna sing goodbye to me.

It's gonna be fantastic.

Goodbye.

Hey!

Maybe like... a pre-tape.

Let's-- let's think about it.

What about David Duchovny?

He's a little too needy,

and that would be distracting for me.

We believe that David's in love with Larry.

What? Please.

(stammers) He's married.

Huh? So was Rock Hudson, okay?

Oh, that wasn't real. It was arranged by the studios.

I didn't know that. Really? Fellas, please.

Who else?

Larry, look, we need David Duchovny.

You know, he's very big.

And you know, we lost Kevin Costner.

He slipped on some ice making his new movie.

The whole thing, it was all on ice or something,

I don't know.

Crazy. (dial tone)

(deep sigh) (dialing)

I know his number by heart,

because he's a good friend of mine.

(ringing)

David on phone: Hello?

David, it's Larry.

David: Oh-- (sighs)

(David whispering) Hey, Larry, how you doing?

I'm glad you called.

Listen, I've been thinking about you.

Is this a bad connection?

(David whispers) No, it's just that... Tea's here.

Hold on. Let me go into the other room. Hold on.

(Tea speaks indistinctly)

David: Yeah, just shut-shut-- shut the door.

It's my mother. My mother.

Okay. Hey, how you doing?

How's Tea?

David: Tea is great.

You dating anyone?

I'm dating Illeana Douglas, as a matter of fact.

She's fantastic.

It's just a wonderful male/female relationship,

and I am so happy.

Hello?

Hello? David: Uh-huh.

Can I-- can I ask you something?

David: Look, why don't we have lunch tomorrow

and talk about it? I'll be in town.

Well, okay.

David: Oh great, so why don't you just mee--

(whispering) meet me-- meet me at the Bel-Air Hotel

around noon. The where?

(David whispers) Bel-Air Hotel! Noon!

I'll see you tomorrow. Bye. I am not meeting him at the Bel-Air.

I am not meeting him at the Bel-Air. (dial tone)

I am not meeting him.

(knocking) ♪ ♪

(sighs)

There he is. Hey.

Hey, how you doing? Come on in.

Good to see you. Good to see you too.

(chuckles) God, you look--

you look great. Thank you.

Your hair looks great.

Tea here? The whole thing. Tea-- she went golfing.

Really? Yeah.

Well, that's fantastic. Yeah.

You look great. Thanks, so do you.

I mean, whatever you're doing. Appreciate it. Yeah.

You working out? A little bit.

What's up? (sighs) You're not gonna believe this.

See, we have this big, you know, final show tonight,

and Kevin Costner drops out.

Oh, shit. And, you know, it's the last night of the show,

so would it be imposing...

to ask you if you would do the show?

You know, I've actually been wanting

to be on the last show very much,

and I'm glad that you finally asked me.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Hey, I heard you got rid of Stevie Grant.

I did. Yeah.

His behavior was so "detesticle."

Is that a word?

What'd I say?

You said his behavior was "detesticle."

(laughs) Oh, did I?

I meant "despicable." Yeah.

Hey, can I have some fruit?

Yeah.

Appreciate it. Oh.

Monday night, can you believe it?

No. Man, I'm scared to death.

Hey, I'm not blowing smoke up your ass.

Larry did the show for 10 years.

You're gonna do it for twice as long.

This isn't fucking Jeane Dixon talking here.

This is reality, man.

You think? Yeah!

(laughs) I gotta talk to Larry, though.

You know, I haven't had a chance to-- Don't worry about Larry, okay?

Larry's a thing of the past, okay?

The guy's the 8-track, all right?

He's the fucking horse and buggy, that guy.

This is Darwinism. Don't fight it.

You'll fucking lose.

(breathes deeply) (distant chattering)

Jon: Hey, Larry.

Beverly told me you were in-- in make-up here.

Bruce, excuse us a second.

Hey, sorry. Look, I know this is weird.

How you doing? Good, how are you?

Good. I just wanted to tell you

I'll be thanking you at the top of the show

on Monday, first thing. No need to do that.

No, I'm gonna tell everyone

how much I've appreciated your support,

just... what an honor and a huge challenge

it's gonna be... I would-- I would skip "challenge."

Leave out "challenge," do "honor."

But-- that's a good note.

Tighten it up, get to the jokes.

I'll say it twice. Did Stevie Grant

tell you that he was signing me beforehand?

No, no, he didn't.

God. I didn't know that.

Well... Well, well, hello, Jon.

Hey, Arthur. Monday already?

(chuckles) Listen, have a great show.

You as well.

Thank you. All right, thanks. Excuse us, thank you.

Let's go, buddy.

Let's do this show one more time.

(sighs)

(chattering continues)

Who are these people?

Faces from the past,

they always show up for a "wrap" gift.

Darlene, my goodness.

What a delight. I thought you were in India. I was.

Larry, I'm so glad you're changing your life

and leaving all of this behind

and creating a new universe for yourself.

It's just a big trap.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

See, he's changing already.

If I had said that to you before,

you would have thought I was crazy.

Sweetie, you must let go of Larry's hand. Please, please, please.

Jerry, right? Yeah, yeah.

Gosh, I fired you, what, four fucking years ago! Four years, yeah.

I'll be damned. Yeah, I just wanted to see,

after you fired me and fucked up my life,

if you'd stand there and smile at me like we were old buddies.

(chuckles) Well, now you know.

Yeah, huh? Nice. (Artie laughs)

Good to see you. Good to see you. Hey, Larry.

You don't remember me, do you?

Uh, yes, I do, yes, I do.

Absolutely, of course I do.

I'm happy you're here. Thank you for coming. The lighting guy.

I know, I know, the lighting guy.

I understand. The sound guy.

This is Mark, the sound guy. You fired him

after he hit you in the head with a boom.

That's right.

Three days in a row, still a record.

(chuckles) Screw you, Larry.

Yeah, screw you.

Sid's brother. Hi.

There are no more people from the past out there, are there?

No, but I got a... present for you.

The great Jim Carrey is in the house.

Stage manager: Five, four, three, two. (chuckles)

(theme music playing)

Hank: Live on tape from Hollywood,

"The Larry Sanders Show"!

Tonight, join Larry and his guests

Jim Carrey, Tim Allen, Tom Petty, Sean Penn,

Carol Burnett, David Duchovny, Greg Kinnear, Clint Black,

Bruno Kirby, and me, "hey now," Hank Kingsley.

And now because this is the last time

I'm going to say it,

Larry... Sanders!

(applause)

Thank you so much.

Honestly, you'll have nothing left for the end

when I finally do say goodbye.

Blow it all now. I couldn't be--

What a delightful response. Honestly, I'm just thrilled.

Thank you so much. Of course, this is our last show.

Can you guys hear me all okay?

Audience: Yeah! It's so important,

because we just installed the sound system today.

I didn't realize it was the end of the show 'til last night.

I was lying in bed with a woman,

and I said, "Seriously, we're gonna have you on soon!"

(grunts)

Now I'm in trouble.

Because this show, oddly-- this show, oddly, is like my sex life,

in that it lasts about an hour, there's applause,

and I'm usually interrupted by Hank!

What will you do when the show's over,

by the way? You have any plans?

I-- I don't know. A lot of driving.

Have you been there every night? Right there?

Oddly enough, this show has survived

three presidential administrations,

and, oddly enough,

Clinton is our first two-intern president!

Do you realize when we started this show 10 years ago,

Michael Jackson still looked like Michael Jackson?

(laughter on TV) How's your talk show going?

I'm acting now.

(Larry speaks indistinctly)

Really?

Yeah, I-- I got an Academy Award nomination.

So... You're acting?

Yeah, I mean, it's-- it's a snap.

One minute I'm talking to Tempestt Bledsoe

at 1:35 in the morning about her dogs or something.

Next thing you know, I got a nomination.

It's like...

God bless you.

This Monica Lewinsky scandal-- my goodness!

Would we have ever thought we'd end up back here with Monica Lewinsky?

I remember, when this show first started,

it was just enough that Reagan had brought

the Soviet Union to its knees!

Bob, is that all we have on the cards?

After all these years, we're out of cards.

So, we'll be right back. We have some sensational guests.

Thank you for joining us. We'll be right back.

No flipping. (theme music playing)

Welcome back.

This is, of course, a fantastic night for us

and a fantastic night for you,

because we are starting off our show

with Mr. Jim Carrey! Jim Carrey!

♪ ♪ (cheers, applause)

(indistinct dialog)

Wow. Wow.

You'd think it was your last night!

Wow, man, this is incredible. This is my last night.

What energy in this place. Welcome. Welcome to the show.

(cheering) This is--

Hey.

Wow, look at this. That's fantastic.

Larry: Isn't that something? Oh, please.

I cannot thank you enough for being here tonight.

You know that I'm a gigantic fan

and really appreciate you coming here tonight.

Oh, well, it's an honor for me to be here

on this historic night. Really, truly. That is so sweet of you, yeah.

I mean what a legacy he's left, hasn't he?

It's just fantastic. It is just...

To go out when you're at the very tip-top of your game.

That's fantastic. Well...

The cream of the crop, king of the hill... Thank you.

Cock of the walk. Yeah.

Man: Woo! Woman: Yeah.

That is so kind.

I know walk is certainly correct. Well...

That is really nice. Thank you.

Yeah, well, you know, it's great. Thank you so much.

You ever see the last episode of "Newhart"?

Yes, I did. Fantastic. Oh, so funny.

Fantastic. When Bob goes back and has the dream

and he's suddenly in his own show--

Right. his old show,

and it just-- it just... That's right.

(emotionally) It-- they do kind of a...

It's almost like they're...

just right in the...

I'm sorry. I can't do this.

I can't do comedy right now.

What is-- what is it?

"What is it?" What is it?

What isn't it?

You're leaving, Larry. Right.

Just when I thought everything was solid in my life...

you decide to go.

You know I can't get it up?

Ever since the announcement, I've been flaccid.

I'm sure everybody in this audience feels the same way.

We need us some "Larry," right, guys?

(audience cheering)

Very nice of you.

If you're as upset

about Larry leaving the show as I am,

say, "No way!"

Audience: No way!

If you feel the same way I do,

like Larry owes you... for all the years

you've devoted to him,

say, "No way!"

Audience: No way!

No way! No way!

No way! No way!

No! Audience: No!

Way! Audience: Way!

No way, way! No way, way!

No, no way, way! No, no way, way!

Nnn! Nnn!

Ohh! Ohh!

Wha! Wha!

Ay! Ay!

(kazoo)

♪ No, no, no, no way ♪

♪ No, no, no, no way we're livin' without you ♪

♪ We're not living without you ♪

♪ Mmm, there's just no way, no way ♪

♪ Burn down the mountains ♪

♪ Yell, scream, and shout ♪

♪ You can say what you want without walking out ♪

♪ Don't need no Leno, Conan, or Dave ♪

♪ You want you some Larry, let's give him a wave ♪

Whoo! Come on!

All: Whoo!

♪ And... ♪

Both: ♪ I... ♪ ♪ Am telling you ♪

♪ You're not going, you're not going, ha-ha! ♪

♪ 'Cause you're the best host I've ever known ♪

♪ There's just no way you can ♪

♪ Leave this-- leave this-- leave this show ♪

♪ No, no, no way ♪

♪ Larry, there's no way we're living without you ♪

♪ We're not living without you ♪

♪ Not living without you ♪

♪ We don't wanna be free ♪

♪ And you, you'll stay, you'll stay ♪

♪ And you, and you, and you ♪

♪ You're gonna love me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ You're gonna love me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ You're gonna... love me ♪

♪ Love me, love me ♪

♪ Love... ♪

Larry!

♪ Larry! ♪

(applause)

(crying)

(babbling)

Larry on TV: Jim Carrey! Jim Carrey!

We'll be right back.

Thank you so much. I don't know, really--

I don't know how to thank you. That was so fantastic.

Let's just cut the crap, Larry, okay?

You never liked my work.

Huh? What? Not until I got hugely famous.

That is not... true.

I happen to-- What are you gonna do now, movies?

I'll crush you.

I-- are you doing a bit now?

(whispers) Larry, we're off the air.

This is real life now.

Can I be honest with you? Yeah.

I'm here for three good reasons--

last show, big ratings, movie coming out.

Bim-bam-boom. (blows)

Otherwise, I'd be sitting home watching "Nightline"...

as usual.

There's too many singers, Artie.

There's three people here already

that think they're singing goodbye to Larry.

Yeah? Hey, I don't know what you're telling him,

but you told me that I was doing the goodbye song.

Quiet down, cowpoke, I'm talking to Artie. Those were your exact words.

Well, that's right, I guess I did.

Look, I thought I was your Bette Midler.

This is bullshit. Hey, you guys, let's not forget why we're here.

All right? It's Larry's final show.

Was I talking to you?

Well, you are now.

Hey look, this guy's nominated for an Oscar, all right?

For what, "Talk Soup"?

Hey, hey, take it easy! (grunting)

Greg, No! I'm all right. I'm all right.

Whoa! Guys!

I haven't seen such a rumble since the Stones played Altamont.

Well, then you don't need me. Oh, come on.

You've already got Roy Rogers.

Hey, man! Kinnear: Kick his ass! Kick his ass!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Jesus Christ, it's like a rodeo in here!

Welcome back. My goodness.

This is a really fantastic night.

Hank: Seriously. Seriously.

My...

next guest,

I have to tell you folks, honestly,

when I knew that I was going to be doing

this last farewell show,

the first person that I asked for

is this next guest, who is-- in my opinion,

if I may say--

the First Lady of American comedy,

Miss Carol Burnett! Carol Burnett.

(applause)

♪ ♪

I-I-I-- the audience loves you. I love you.

Thank you. What an honor to have you here

on my last night. Oh. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. And thank you for that beautiful introduction.

Well, I meant it honestly from my heart. Yeah.

Well, I-- You were the first person that I called

to have on the show. Thank you for being here.

I really was the first person you called?

You were, literally, the first-- honestly, the first person

that I called when I said,

"You know what? I think it's over." Really?

Uh-huh. "I want Carol Burnett."

And I was the... (laughter)

The first. To be on the show?

To be-- Yeah.

There was that too. There was that too.

You know, I-- The first.

I-- I don't-- I don't believe you.

You should believe me.

I-I-- no, I don't believe you, because I know

I was not the first person you called.

You were the fir-- wasn't she the first person we called?

You are-- no, he's speaking the truth.

No, no. I know I wasn't. You are the first person.

Ellen. Ellen. Come here.

(applause)

What a nice surprise! Ellen: Yeah.

Ellen, when did he call you?

Um, Tuesday morning.

(groans)

You called me on Wednesday.

Don't do this to me.

I called you...

Wednesday.

I did-- I called you...

Her, Tuesday. Tuesday.

Please, this is my last night.

Speaking of last shows, your show-- I saw your last show.

Well, let's just talk about you first,

because I am such a huge fan... Okay.

...and I just-- your last show was just so moving,

and so touching. Well, I loved what you did on yours.

I had no idea. I-- I mean, I love your work,

but I had no idea that you were that versatile.

Yeah. I mean with all the stuff that you did on there.

A lot of people don't know I started out

as a plate spinner, but it's just stuff that-- (laughter)

But people will catch up, eventually. Carol: You know what I wish?

I wish that I still had my show,

so that we could work together and we could do sketches.

I wish that we-- that would be so great to work with you,

because I just think you're the most brilliant. Well, maybe we can do it.

(applause)

Ellen: I-I-- I wish that I still had my show,

so I could have you on. This is my-- This is my last night.

I understand that sometimes

you did questions and answers on your show.

Yeah. That you talked to the audience.

I used to talk to the audience every night before the show.

That is so much fun. Yeah, I love that, I miss that.

That's what I'm gonna miss. Carol: You know what I'm doing now?

I go out-- I go out--

You know, this is my last night,

and it would really mean a lot to me

if you guys could just-- I'm over there.

Well, what's a shame is that you would

go out like this, as a liar.

But anyway, so you-- you...

Why don't we take a little break...

and let me try to figure this out?

Sure. But anyway,

you do the question and answer thing now, right? I go out on tour, and I--

yeah, I go out on tour and I do "Q&A's." That's what I wanna do.

And it's wonderful, 'cause you'll fly by the seat of the pants.

Yeah. Yeah. It's not written like some of this stuff.

We'll be right back. No flipping.

(cheering) ♪ ♪

Our next guest-- you're not gonna believe it.

We've dreamed of having him on.

He's probably... never dreamed of being here,

but we have him tonight. It's a rare occasion.

One of the finest actors alive,

ladies and gentlemen-- I couldn't be a bigger fan--

Mr. Sean Penn. Mr. Sean Penn.

(applause)

You know, first of all,

look at this.

Huh? Now let me ask you this--

you live-- you do not live in L.A., am I correct?

No, I live up in Northern California.

Well, thank you for coming. Sean: Sure.

(applause) Well, let's not...

Let's not make a big deal about it.

It's not that long a flight. Everybody's going, "Wow!

You flew all the way from Northern California."

It can be a long flight. They can be--

I had a stewardess tell me as we were landing--

I had a script I was looking at. Right.

She said that I had to put it away for landing.

This was a script. A script?

Yeah, and I-- you know,

you have a magazine on your lap, they don't say anything.

Right. But I think she had it in for me.

And-- and I could see she had that nasty thing coming up

and I just decided, "No." And I said, "No."

So she said, "You're gonna have to give me that script,"

and I said, "No." She called it a script.

So she goes, she talks to the pilot,

she comes back and says "Sir, I have to tell you that you

are in violation of a F.A.R." Of a F.A.R.?

Which I figure is Federal Aviation Regulations.

That you're not allowed to have a script? Right.

So, why don't they-- marshals could come in here right now,

'cause I violated a F.A.R.

Was the script that bad?

(laughter)

Well, so what was the script, if I may ask?

What was the storyline of the script?

Uh, I didn't get that far, because I wasn't really reading it.

I was just trying-- trying to annoy her.

Just trying to annoy the stewardess.

Well, you did the job.

Let me ask you this, what-- what is coming up next?

Well, I just finished a movie called "Hurlyburly."

Ah. That was a-- that was a play, wasn't it?

Right, David Rabe. Right. David Rabe, yes.

Great cast, so...

Who's in the cast?

Uh, Kevin Spacey, Anna Paquin,

my wife, Robin, Garry Shandling...

Wow! ...Chazz Palminteri.

What a fantastic cast, huh? Yeah. Yeah. Good-- good group.

Fantastic cast. It's the--

the spectrum of acting ability.

Who's on the low end of the ability there?

Oh, I'm not gonna go, you know, there.

(laughter) We made a great movie, I think.

Well, good luck with it.

Why don't we take a break, and we'll come right back.

No flipping. We'll be back.

That was fantastic. Oh, thanks.

(whispers) I'll tell you. It was Shandling.

Really? This guy, unbelievable.

The most insecure man I've ever met in my life.

Has no focus at all.

He'd-- before our director, Tony Drazan,

would even say, "Cut," he'd look at me, say, "How was I?"

Really? Relentless.

Wow. Yeah, and it didn't stop there.

Then-- I don't know if he knew

that my wife and I were together or--

or what it was, but...

he was... constantly after her,

trying to get in her trailer.

And then he's got like 200 acting coaches around.

I got on the set the first day,

and I thought they were extras.

It's-- it's-- Wow.

You know him from his hugely successful television show

and from his many movies.

Please welcome Tim Allen! Tim Allen!

♪ ♪ (cheers, applause)

Hey! Close the fucking door.

I heard the news about Jon Stewart.

What, he's leaving the agency? Yeah, you know why?

He says he caught me in a lie.

(scoffs) Right.

(mockingly) Oh my god, I told a fucking lie!

Yeah, I told him his fucking show would run for 20 years.

He didn't seem to mind that lie!

Look, can I be honest with you?

He's got nothing, I'm telling you.

I took a shit this morning with more talent.

Stevie: Fucking artists.

They're all crazy, neurotic... babies.

(snorts)

You want? Where'd you get it?

Jimmy Fedderson.

He gave it to me at the Simon Wiesenthal dinner.

(laughter on TV)

Goddammit, fuck.

I can't tell you how easy our job would be

if we didn't have to deal with talent.

But none of us are happy. You--

Ten years. This has been such a big deal. Yes, ten years.

Well, I appreciate it.

Everybody in the business is gonna miss you so much.

That's so kind of you. Thank you. No, no, I'm serious.

Fucking celebrity circle jerks!

We'll have some free time, let's get together.

I look forward to that. And I mean it, you've got me. Do something.

You've got me committed. Ten years! Can I say it? Ten years!

We'll be right back. No flipping.

We'll be right back.

♪ ♪ (cheers, applause)

That was fantastic, thank you. Thanks.

You want to get together next week, maybe, and do something?

My kids are here to see me. Your kids.

Anyway, I gotta split. I got stuff to do.

Well, thanks for coming by. Ten years.

You want my home number? I got your home number.

It's been great. Hey, Tim. Tim?

"Jungle 2 Jungle"-- underrated.

(cheering) And welcome back. Now...

Before... we bring out our next guest,

I guess this is where

we're gonna take a moment to hear from Hank.

I understand you've got something

you would like to say. I've got a little something I would like to say.

Thank you. I've been waiting for this.

I just want to say,

in a very heartfelt and deeply sincere way, for the--

Oh my god, Jerry Seinfeld! (applause)

Jerry Seinfeld!

Oh my god! Let Jerry sit here.

(indistinct dialog)

My god.

What a...

What an unexpected--

what a pleasant surprise for you to come by.

Well, Larry, I just wanted to come by and let you know

that we're gonna miss you and to say goodbye

and I think you're really doing the right thing.

(laughter)

Thank you. That means so much to me. Thank you so much.

And that was very touching, by the way,

what you were saying.

Thank you.

That was just the first part. I wasn't-- I wasn't finished.

Oh well, if that was just the first part,

then it was fantastic.

(laughter) But...

Anyway, Larry,

we're certainly gonna enjoy watching you in syndication

after this. I mean-- Oh, well,

this show isn't gonna be syndicated, but--

Oh, that's right, that's me. That is--

(laughter)

That is you. You're thinking of you.

And let me-- The last ten years have been your gift

to the people of this country.

(emotionally) They've also been a gift to a man

who goes by the name of Hank Kingsley.

Every night?

Every night.

Well, you're definitely doing the right thing.

(laughter)

Why don't we take a break?

No flipping, we'll be right back.

♪ ♪ (cheers, applause)

My next guest is-- we're so lucky to have him.

He's a fantastic singer, he's a friend,

and he's been on the show many times over the years.

We're lucky to have him. Clint Black.

Clint Black, ladies and gentlemen!

♪ ♪ (cheers, applause)

Clint Black.

This is a-- a terrific crowd.

Thank you for participating in this evening.

This is a night to be on. They said if I did real well

you'd have me back again.

Well, let's see-- let's see how it goes.

You know, I had a surprise for you.

What would that be? It was a surprise for me,

and they forgot to tell me what it was, so...

So, it's a surprise for everybody.

For the both of us. Now I see that there is a,

if I may say...

Can you say? ...a guitar back there.

(applause)

What is that? Oh my goodness.

See, I was hoping they would say that.

I think we would all love to hear you sing.

What are you going to-- Well, I'm such a huge fan.

We all-- I think I can speak for everybody--

not just here in the audience, but at home--

we hate to see you go.

And we-- we all-- Thank you very much.

(applause)

And so, I wanted to think of something

that would be appropriate, that I might sing to...

♪ ♪ kinda maybe embody what we all feel

and maybe a little of what you feel,

although, without talking to your shrink...

Play the damn song. ...I'm not sure--

(laughter)

♪ ♪ Anyway, this is--

this is a song that...

I think will really say it all. Thank you.

Now I have to get sentimental.

♪ ♪

♪ I've been bound to leave you ♪

♪ We've known on that for a while ♪

♪ I'm sure it's something I can't do ♪

♪ If I can't leave you with a smile ♪

♪ I don't know how far ♪

♪ I'll have to go ♪

♪ 'Til I'm sure those eyes won't cry ♪

♪ And in my mind I've left enough to know ♪

♪ That I can't leave you ♪

♪ With a bad goodbye ♪

♪ Goodbye... ♪

(whispering) I got another job.

Oh! Great, tell me. It sucks.

I'm gonna be the contestant coordinator for "Jeopardy."

Oh, I-- I like-- I like that show.

Yeah, right. I get to spend all day

asking a bunch of fucking eggheads

if they know anything about the Monroe Doctrine.

Well, get this. Hank offered me a job,

$300 a week with no benefits.

I'm sorry.

I'm thinking of taking it.

♪ I'm still bound to leave you ♪

♪ I surely don't know how... ♪

Artie! Hey, Bruno, how you doing, man?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're bumping me? What?

The man is singing the fucking goodbye song.

I can't believe this shit.

We'll have you on another time.

Did you just hear what you said?

There is no "another time."

The party is over. This is it.

Clint: ♪ No way to fly ♪

Excuse me. ♪ ...I'm in just makes ♪

A man singing to a man. ♪ It all too clear ♪

How fucking sick is that? ♪ That I can't leave you ♪

♪ With a bad... ♪

(crying) ♪ Goodbye ♪

♪ Goodbye ♪

♪ Easier said than done ♪

♪ Goodbye ♪

♪ There's no good when you're the one ♪

♪ Whose goodbye you swore would never come ♪

♪ And in my goodbye ♪

♪ You're finding none ♪

♪ How can I be ♪

♪ So far between ♪

♪ Where we are and one more try ♪

♪ And any way I look ♪

♪ I've only seen ♪

♪ That I can't leave you ♪

♪ With a bad ♪

♪ Goodbye ♪

Goodbye, Larry. (cheers, applause)

We'll miss you.

Thank you, Clint.

We'll be right back. No flipping.

We'll be right back.

♪ ♪ (cheers, applause)

Well, welcome back.

I'm thrilled to have had the people on tonight

that have come here to say good night.

You know, television is a risky business

and you want to entertain,

you want to try and do something new every night,

want to say something fresh.

Nine times out of ten you end up with "The Ropers."

But hopefully,

occasionally...

there are nights when we're not...

one of those nine.

And I have many, many, many talented people to thank for...

making this show work

the way it does every night.

Artie, who, of course--

the most talented television producer around,

and without whom I could not have done the last ten years.

It's an honor, sir, thank you so much. (mouths)

(applause) Larry: And...

Of course, Hank Kingsley, who...

I joke about every night, but...

but besides the fact that he is such a talented man,

he's a good friend, and I thank you.

(applause) And...

my assistant-- my assistant, Beverly,

who I could not do the show without,

and all of the writers and staff and crew.

Thank you so much.

And to you at home, thank you so much...

for letting us be in your house every night

to entertain you. It's an honor...

and to tell you the truth,

I don't know exactly what I'm going to do

without you.

Thank you so much.

(emotionally) God bless you, and you may now flip.

(cheers, applause)

Well, buddy, you did it.

It was great. It was a great show.

It was? Yeah. Absolutamente.

(chuckles)

(sniffles)

(people chattering)

I can't get off the stool. (chuckles)

I can't move my legs.

I can't get off the stool.

What? I can't get off the stool.

Yeah?

Well here, let me help you.

(pats) Give me that hand.

(applause)

Larry sprained his ankle. I should have waited another six months.

Oh no, no, Larry. I should have dragged it out a little bit.

It's all over. You did good. You did good.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

I hope we beat Leno.

(moaning) Oh, God!

Artie: Hello, stranger.

Well, well, well.

What are you doing here? Oh, just being a--

just being a sad and pathetic shithead

like you. (chuckles) Sit down.

Really?

You know, now that I see the desk like that...

I don't know why we didn't try it before.

Oh hell, if we'd... done it that way,

we'd probably still be on the air.

Listen, I'm not gonna get all gooey, kiddo,

but I'm sure as hell gonna miss you.

You're a very clever man,

and in spite of all the daily "this and that,"

your constant whining about the size of your ass

and all the shit you made me clean up

because you were too much of a pussy to do it yourself...

anytime I came down here,

I always forgot all that, because...

you made me laugh.

And that's what I'm gonna miss.

Oh, I'm gonna miss those laughs.

And the part about whining about my ass,

you're gonna miss that a little bit, aren't you?

Because who else is gonna whine about their ass unless it's me?

Come on. Oh, he knows me all too well.

Hey, here we are, the happy trio.

What, having a last look-see, Hank?

Before it all goes the way of television.

Hank: Thank you!

Thank you, for not letting me say my thank you.

I mean, I knew you guys were pieces of shit,

but I-- you know, I had no idea.

Artie: Well, try not to be such an asshole, will you?

Hey, don't tell me what to do, okay?

You're not my boss anymore.

That is over. What is your problem?

What is my problem? Hey!

What is my problem?

I spent the last ten years being the butt of your jokes.

The little-- the little-- little fucking dog

at the end-- at the end of the couch!

But, you know, it's my fault,

because I smiled and I let it happen,

because this face was being seen

by millions of people every-every-- every night,

and there was lots of money,

and there was lots of pussy!

Well, more... money than pussy.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. (chuckles) What's fucking wrong with you?

No more! I swear to God, no more!

One more-- one more remark, and I-I-I-- I swear,

I'll fucking choke you with my hands!

I'm sorry. I'm just sorry.

I mean, there is a-- there is a book

called "Hank...

Kingsley."

But there's a new chapter,

and you, sir, are not in it.

And you, sir, are not in it.

And all I gotta say is fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you for the way you-- for the way you treated me,

and the joke-- the joke you made me out to be.

(Artie chuckles) Fuck you.

He's such a goddamn idiot, but I truly love him.

Well, this is a nice way to bring down the curtain

on a long career.

You retiring? Absolutely. Shit yeah.

I'm just sick and tired of all the bullshit,

scraping and bowing,

to... fucking...

executives who think that...

creativity is nothing but a-- accounting problem.

So, I've had it, and that's it, finis,

and I ain't never coming back.

I thought you took the job on "Roseanne."

Oh, that's just a consulting gig.

You know, that doesn't count.

Rosie wants to come back nice this time,

so she wants to have me come around one day a week

to scare the shit out of her staff.

The money's good, so I couldn't turn it down.

(banging)

What the hell was that?

(crying)

Artie: What is it? (chuckles)

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Artie: Wait.

(babbles) Hank. (chuckles)

Hank: Oh, it's such a bad day.

Could you guys-- You can have the couch.

Oh, great. Oh, great, great.

Can you give me a hand?

I thought I had the car in reverse,

and I ran into the fucking dumpster,

and it's hooked on my bumper.

Come on, Lawrence, let's help our brother here.

He's all hooked up on the dumpster.

Hey, what are you guys do-- doing tomorrow?

You wanna-- you wanna, like, get together?

I've got a date with Illeana Douglas.

Oh, good for you!

I guess it's us. I love you.

Oh, I love you, I love you. Don't, don't, don't, don't.

Oh, please. I'm such a--

Let's go-- let's-let's-- let's go to the Smokehouse and think this over.

Hank: I'm such a prick. (Artie laughs)

(acoustic guitar playing)

♪ Tonight you're mine ♪

♪ Completely ♪

♪ You give your love ♪

♪ So sweetly ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ The light of love ♪

♪ Is in your eyes ♪

♪ But will you love me ♪

♪ Tomorrow? ♪

♪ Will you still love me ♪

♪ Tomorrow... ♪