Original subtitles

Morning, Mary Lou.

Hello, Phil.

Morning, Beverly.

Aren't we happy?

Yeah, I was up until four in the morning...

fucking' my brains out. Mary Lou: Eww!

Nobody wants to hear that, Phil. I do.

Hey, where's Brian?

What is it, some gay holiday? Gay Groundhog Day?

I'm right here.

Oh, hello.

You know, on my way into work, I figured out

what the faggiest car you could drive is:

a Rose Parade float.

I drive a Saturn.

I stand corrected.

Uh, shouldn't you be working on the monologue, Phil?

This is the monologue.

Do you know how you can tell you're gay?

It's when you lean over and you see four balls.

You know how else you can tell you're gay?

What? Gay people make really dramatic exits.

Really? Yeah.

A walk to the door. Uh-huh.

A graceful pivot.

One last look of contempt, and slam.

(laughing) You're a real jerk.

Nice slam!

Ed Begley here.

Larry, we are really gonna miss you.

You're a funny man and a great environmentalist,

which explains why you're always recycling jokes.

Anyway, it's been a great 10 years

and we love you, Larry.

Now, Hank, if this runs, am I gonna get paid?

And I got, uh, Bernadette Peters,

and I have, uh, Larry Miller,

one of the Olsen twins, uh, Bruno Kirby.

And... later on, I'm gonna do,

uh, one of Larry's favorites, Drew Barrymore.

Hey, Drew Barrymore. Well, Larry'll like that.

Won't it be a hoot for the last show?

This is a perfect way for me to show Larry

how much the last 10 years have meant to me.

No.

Please.

Sweetie, the last show is packed

fuller than Baryshnikov's tights.

But lucky for you, one of Bobby Berosini's chimps fell off his bike,

so you can have five minutes Friday night.

Friday night? Uh, no, I can't do it. It's impossible.

I mean, I'm still working on it.

Friday or nothing.

Okay, no problem.

And I got invited to this party

at, uh, Alan Rudolph's house.

It's actually William Holden's old place.

I mean, not the place where he hit his head and died and everything.

It was actually another place.

But you know Alan Rudolph, he's a-- he's a director? Larry: Mm-hm.

Now, he directed this movie.

He's actually a protege of Robert Altman's. Mm-hm.

Well, I mean, not a protege exactly, but...

She's a good guest, right? Absolutely.

Really?

Absolutely.

Please, don't ask me again.

She's a good guest, right?

Well, there's no dead spots, that's for sure.

That's the one where Geraldine Chaplin is naked,

which is a little disturbing...

Look, I know you don't want to date someone who's a bad guest.

Well, you remember Jennifer Tilly, right?

She was a good guest.

Yeah, but not good enough to get serious about.

Right?

No.

(knocking)

Artie: What is it? Oh, I'm sorry.

But could I please speak to you for a moment, Arthur? It's very important.

On August 4, I said I didn't eat meat, and Phil said,

"Does that mean your boyfriend has a tofu cock?"

But later that day he said,

"I hate going to Hawaii

"because I can't tell the native Hawaiians

"from the homosexuals,

"because they're both wearing the same shirts.

"I tried to go windsurfing

and accidentally got a blow job."

(chuckling) Arthur, please!

Sorry.

It doesn't even make sense. Well, it's just ridiculous.

I mean, come on, what gay guys wear Hawaiian shirts?

Have you been on Santa Monica Boulevard in the last 10 years?

I take Sunset.

This is sexual harassment.

Oh, sexual harassment, my ass.

Calm down, will you?

I won't calm down.

It is sexual harassment,

and if he doesn't cease and desist immediately,

I'm going to sue him and the show.

Hello, Larry.

It's Drew Barrymore,

and I just wanted to say

that the few times I've been on the show,

I felt like we had this magical connection,

and you are an inspired spirit.

And... now you have the chance to fly free,

so fly free, funny man.

And I will miss going to bed with you every night.

And I love you, Larry Sanders.

Wow.

Drew: Okay? Oh, isn't that pretty?

That's pretty. Okay.

So, show your tits.

What?

Well, you know, like you did on... on "Letterman,"

you know... (whistles) a little whoop-de-doo.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Cut, cut, cut.

Um, I thought that was like your schtick.

You know, like I do "Hey now"?

You're a pig. Come on...

And I feel really sorry for you.

All right, all right, look.

I'm sorry, I'm s--

Look, I am sorry.

That's wrong and I...

I apologize.

Okay, good, thank you.

I feel bad.

Sorry.

Thanks for coming in.

Okay. Thank you.

Do you want to show a little, uh...

you know, a little tuchas?

You know, I'm so excited you're gonna be on the show this week.

I know, me too.

What are you gonna talk about?

I don't know, I haven't really thought about it.

You haven't thought about it?

It's coming up in a couple days.

I know, I thought I'd just wing it.

"Wing it"?

Why, are you worried that I'm not gonna be good or something?

No. Really?

You're gonna be great. Am I?

Yes, you're always great when you wing it.

Hey, John, will you excuse us, please?

Jody, the camel's hilarious.

We gotta talk about Brian.

Oh, I hear he's gay. Fuck you.

You gotta cut out these gay jokes.

You're hurtin' Brian's feelings.

God, Artie, he's such a sissy.

Let's look at all this evidence he's compiled on you.

It's thicker than Heidi Fleiss' phone book.

Why do you have this?

'Cause Brian gave it to me.

He's getting ready to sue this show

and particularly you, for sexual harassment.

Listen, Artie, I got to be able to insult people.

It's like, if I don't insult people,

I can't get to the good jokes, this is my process.

Well, I suggest you try to get to the good jokes

without going through Brian's ass.

What the hell am I supposed to do, censor myself?

Not one gay joke.

But, Artie, this-- Not one.

Ooh, it's going down now.

Good morning, ladies.

Brian. Good morning.

Good morning.

Oh, good morning, Phil.

Good morning... Brian.

And how are we today?

We... are... great.

Oh, thank God the rains have stopped, eh?

(mutters) Yeah.

Phil, do you like my outfit?

Yes... I do. Oh.

Isn't it fetching?

Yeah, that's... that's not the word I'm looking for.

Excuse me.

Huh. Well, I took care of him, eh?

You sure did.

What, did you get that at the Freddie Mercury estate sale?

I knew it, I knew you couldn't resist.

What are they-- What, did they hire you at UPS?

'Cause you're sporting a very big package.

Oh, well, thank you for noticing.

Sign here and the package is all yours, sir.

I don't think anybody could help but notice, you know?

But you know what? Unlike you, I'm as straight as they come.

And when I say "straight" I mean "guys,"

and when I say "come," I mean on my face.

What? Eww.

Come on, that was funny.

You are ridiculous.

I am hilarious.

Um...

God.

Maybe you should go put on some pants

before Larry gets in.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Oh, he's really workin' out.

I wish my ass looked like that.

We all are named in this lawsuit.

Well, couldn't we settle this?

Can't we just get him a membership in a gym or something?

I... I'm afraid not.

Well, I don't get it.

What did he say exactly that upset him so much?

Just see pages five through 12.

You'll get the message.

"I think my dog is gay because his penis tastes bitter."

(chuckles) That's my joke.

He's a fucking asshole.

Absolutely. (knocking)

Hi. You want to see me? Yes.

Brian has filed a lawsuit against "The Larry Sanders Show"

for sexual harassment

and you've got top billing.

Plus, you stole my gay dog joke.

What is that about?

Holy shit, this is crazy.

God damn you.

Didn't I tell you to shut the fuck up? Didn't I?

Did you see what he was wearing? This is entrapment!

You know, if this gets out,

all anyone is gonna remember about the show

is this lawsuit bullshit.

Oh, and 10 years of laughter.

All right, excuse me.

Artie, look I am trying to be creative here,

and there is something called artistic license

that I don't think Brian is comprehending here.

When this show ends, you want to work again, don't you?

Somewhere?

Yeah.

You know who runs this town?

The Jews.

No, the gay Jews.

Hank: Action.

Hi, Larry. Bruno Kirby here.

Larry, you're the greatest.

I wish you were doing the show for the next 10 years.

We're all gonna miss you, buddy.

Um, let's just do another.

Yeah, yeah, sure. But what was wrong with that one?

Well, to me, personally, it just didn't feel...

Uh, this is constructive, by the way,

'cause you, you know, you're great.

Um, it didn't feel... sincere.

I would just... I would make it bigger.

Bigger? Mm-hm.

Like, uh, what, bigger?

Like, uh... like fucking Kabuki theater bigger or...?

And... action.

Larry, congratulations.

It's been a great honor--

Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. I don't...

What are you doing?

Well, what the fuck are you doing?

I'm doing bigger.

You said bigger, I'm doing bigger.

Let me see if I can help you. See...

Um... here's the deal.

(sighs dramatically)

Larry is ending the show,

so you're talking to Larry and you feel sad.

I don't want to give you a line reading,

but it's in this area...

Okay?

So, have you ever lost, um...

Have you ever lost somebody close?

Mom, Dad?

I would tap into some of that.

Hank, let me tell you something about Bruno Kirby, okay? Sure.

Bruno Kirby doesn't do...

sad.

And Bruno Kirby doesn't take direction

from some talk show sidekick.

Now you got something. Bring that...

I was in "The Godfather," for God's sake.

I don't think so.

I was in... the fuckin' "Godfather Part II,"

you moron!

Oh, well, see, I only saw the third one, the good one.

Um, she got mad at the producer,

and then she threw her goddess in.

Hey. Hi.

Hi.

Hi. I just-- Don't let me interrupt.

I just came in to get a... shrimp.

We're just going over what the first story's gonna be.

Oh.

Yeah, the um...

Well, the first story's gonna be, I thought,

the one about where I grew up in Connecticut? The TV and...

Oh, okay. Okay.

Uh, in Higganum,

which is next to Haddam...

and then Haddam is next to Saybrook,

and then that's next to Deep River.

There was a street nearby called Beaver Meadow,

uh, uh, and that was actually right next to Beaver Hill.

Mary Lou: Mm-hm.

And, uh, well, Beaver Meadow wasn't even really a Meadow,

it was a forest,

and, uh, it had some very strange animal name.

Uh, I can't remember the name of it.

Hey, uh, I got a thought.

Cockaponset.

Pardon me?

What?

What was Cockaponset?

The name of the forest.

Oh... that's hilarious.

You know, if I may, and I don't want to interrupt,

but why don't you say--

You should pause at Beaver Meadow,

and then what you do is, uh--

and I'll make some joke about Beaver Meadow on the show,

and then what you can do is say

something about Cockaponset,

I'll make some joke about that.

It'll be hilarious.

Listen to this shit.

"Brian's claiming pain and suffering

due to a hostile work environment."

"Hostile work environment," fucking idiot.

I have a good Louis Farrakhan joke.

No, no Louis Farrakhan jokes.

Why? Because Louis Farrakhan is black,

and then Beverly will sue me

because Louis Farrakhan is black. Oh, my God.

No, she won't.

Yeah, she will.

Come on, seriously, Louis Farrakhan made a speech--

God fuckin' dammit!

Let's put that a little sooner. Okay.

And then, you should tell the, um, psychic story,

that psychic story. Oh!

She's got a hilarious-- Oh, really?

I went to this Hollywood baby shower,

and there was a psychic there,

and I told her I was gonna be doing a movie

with Kevin Costner--

And the psychic said, "Well, Kevin Costner's gonna hit on you,"

and I said, "Hey, I need a psychic for that?"

So I'd just tighten it up a little bit.

I will, I will, I will.

Seriously. Okay.

Oh, shit.

What else?

Thank you so much.

(cheers and applause) Thank you.

Well, well, well.

What a hot crowd.

I read that the National Park Service spent $9 million

to build a public outhouse in Montana.

Did you see that, Hank?

Sounds like a lot of money, but, honestly,

you should see the chandelier.

Wow, little clear air turbulence right there.

Every day, this is so odd to me,

the average American spends four and a half hours watching television

and only 17 minutes reading.

How can it take 17 minutes to read a TV Guide?

Wow.

Larry's monologue really sucks tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry.

No problem.

Let's see how the interviews go.

Hitting new levels of self-loathing, Larry.

Cheers, motherfucker.

They just released a list...

I don't know if you saw this, Hank,

I don't know if anyone saw this,

I actually don't know if anyone is still watching.

Brian...

Don't you think you're taking this thing a little too far?

Why does Larry have to suffer?

Listen to that mess.

I can't believe you.

I thought you'd understand best of all

because you're a black woman and all.

Well, I was born black.

What?

What does that mean?

Well, you chose to be gay.

I what?

You know what?

Maybe you should come to church with me on Sunday.

No, really.

Maybe that'll work out your problem.

52 minutes left.

That is the good news.

But we have a great show.

We have Ileana Douglas, and a lot of surprises.

Don't go by this.

We'll be right back. No flipping.

No flipping.

Oh, it's you.

Oh, it's Mr. Litigious. I'll just go, I guess.

No, no, no. No, come in.

Come in and sit down. You can watch.

Shame about your monologue.

Guess what?

I just put a lawyer on retainer.

Five fucking grand for one phone call.

Thank you.

That isn't why I did it, you know.

It isn't.

Um...

Look... Phil, maybe I overreacted.

No, no, no, no. I'm the asshole.

Maybe so,

but...

I wore that outfit just to provoke you.

You know that I, um... I just bought it that morning.

Well, clearly you were trying to make a point.

Yeah, but I went too far.

No, no, no.

I did! No.

I did! My problem is I gotta learn

when to keep my fuckin' mouth shut.

Yeah.

You want some Jager?

Sure, I'll have a sip.

You've obviously had a bit.

We're back. And before we bring out

my first guest, Ileana Douglas--

Hank, I see you have something you want to show the audience?

Yes, I do.

And it's a little film I put together

over the past few months

of some special friends of yours. Oh, my.

And you deserve it, my friend.

It's just my way of showing you

how much I love you and I respect you,

and I will miss you. Oh, I'm touched.

(applause) Good. Okay, roll it.

Hi, Larry. Bruno Kirby here.

Larry, you're the greatest.

I wish you were doing the show for the next 10 years.

We're all gonna miss you, buddy.

(applause)

Hey, how you feeling?

It's a very, very, very, very, very hot crowd.

Do not go by the monologue, I'm telling you.

There's a whole group there from the Special Olympics,

and they are really gonna be there for you.

They're very nice people.

You can feel it out there.

There's a certain energy. You're gonna just be great.

So we're gonna do the--

We start with the psychic thing?

Do we still have that all in?

And then at the Beaver Meadow, don't forget to pause...

I won't. ...at Beaver Meadow.

I won't.

Okay, and then you'll go right into the cannon thing?

Right. And the psychic?

So we do the psychic...

I got it, I got it.

Psychic, Beaver Meadow, cannon.

Okay, so, good. Psychic, Beaver Meadow, cannon.

I can't tell you,

just... have fun.

Go out there and have fun.

Okay. You look great.

Thank you.

I'm gonna be... fine.

Ed Begley here.

Larry, we are really gonna miss you.

You're a funny man and a great environmentalist,

which explains why you're always recycling jokes.

Anyway, it's been a great 10 years, and we love you, Larry.

(applause)

That was-- that was-- that was so touching.

Thank you.

You didn't even see it.

Yes, I did. I loved it.

I just absolutely loved it.

You got up and you walked away.

No, I didn't.

My first guest tonight is a terrific actress.

I'm a gigantic fan.

You probably know her from many of her movies,

including "To Die For" and "Cape Fear,"

which by the way, "Cape Fear" is the nickname

for me in the bedroom.

It's a superhero I play.

I come out in a cape and have fear

written all over

one specific part...

(Hank laughing) ...of my body.

Please welcome Ileana Douglas.

Yeah! (cheers and applause)

You look fantastic to begin with.

Thank you. Thank you. Absolutely fantastic.

You've been doing-- you do a lot of movies.

Now tell me about--

You worked with Kevin Costner recently,

and something about a...

I haven't worked with him yet. I see.

I was at this Hollywood baby shower...

Yes. Uh-huh. ...and there was a psychic there,

and I told him I was gonna be doing a movie with Kevin Costner...

Right. ...and the psychic said to me,

"Kevin Costner's gonna hit on you."

And so I said to him,

"Well, I don't think I need a psychic to tell me that."

(laughter)

(applause, cheers)

That is funny.

Those jokes really hurt you.

Yeah.

Yeah, they really, really hurt, Phil.

They're just jokes to you,

but to me they're not, okay?

Every time you say something like that to me,

you become every bully that I ever knew.

I know I'm thin-skinned, I know it.

I know that I have to toughen up, but... please.

I know.

You know?

Yeah, I know.

I mean, you're not the only one in pain.

I mean, try working for an asshole

who throws out 95 percent of your jokes, you know, every day.

You know, you just put yourself

on the chopping block every fucking time,

and you gotta be funny, funny, funny, funny,

all the time, and it's, you know...

And just, I never realized the kind of pressure that I was under.

And the fact remains

that I'm gonna be out of a job in three weeks,

and I'm gonna be blackballed by the gay Jews.

I am so sorry.

(Phil sobbing)

It's all right. It's all right.

We're so fucked up, eh?

You all right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

We had this street there called, uh, Beaver Hill.

Ah. Was there an all-girls school there, by any chance?

Actually, it was right near Beaver Meadow.

How did it get the name Beaver Meadow, if I may ask?

I don't know.

It had nothing to do with me, I can tell you that.

(laughter)

(applause)

I cannot tell you how good you did tonight.

Um...

I feel very awkward about something.

Oh, you shouldn't, you were so fantastic.

Really, everything you did was totally right.

Really?

Yeah.

Okay...

I, um...

I like you a lot,

and... I get the feeling

that if I wasn't a good guest tonight,

that you wouldn't like me anymore.

That is not true.

Really?

You spent more time

working on my stupid 10-minute little spot

than you have on our whole relationship.

And you know what I think?

I think it's... more important to you

whether or not I'm a good guest on your show.

You know...

I'm a fuckin' talk show host, okay?

I'm all fucked up.

But it's over in a couple weeks, so...

you know...

You just gotta give me a chance.

Please? I'm sorry.

It was important.

But you don't have to do it again.

Well, why?

Didn't you think I was any good?

I thought you were...

really good, really good.

I paused at the Beaver Meadow thing...

The Beaver Meadow thing killed. ...like you told me.

And then I-- I did the cannon joke.

You couldn't have been any better.

The cannon joke, did you hear the audience? Yeah.

Wait till you see the tape.

I know it was your joke, but I thought I did it--

If I may say, I killed on the pastry thing, didn't I?

You think-- Was I all right?

I thought you were great.

Really?

Yeah.

Maybe he can't handle the emotion of the tape.

Just fuck these tapes.

You gotta talk to your boy, Brian,

and get him to stop this lawsuit.

What... What lawsuit?

He's charging Phil with sexual harassment, for God's sake.

(laughs)

Looks like they settled out of court.

Oh, by the way, Drew Barrymore's lawyer just called me.

What's that about?

(theme music playing)