Original subtitles

But you know what?

I do worry about today's society.

And why not? I have another bit on it.

We spill coffee now and we sue.

People didn't used to do that.

We just love to complain.

The post office is another good example of this.

People love to complain about the post office.

They actually do a terrific job.

We love to complain.

People love to say, "Well, the price of stamps keeps going up."

Yeah, but what--

like a penny every 11 years?

I mean... What is it now, 32 cents? Ooh!

Is it 32 cents?

That sounds high.

You're a funny guy.

I told you. I told you.

I know, you told me you were a funny guy.

Larry?

Um... I wanted to ask you

if anybody knows about us yet?

No. I haven't told anybody about us.

Oh. Why?

Well, I think that's good.

Yeah. Yeah.

'Cause you know when celebrity relationships go public,

I don't know, it starts to ruin everything.

Right.

Do you think?

I do think so. Okay.

I think that's a good idea. Okay.

What'd you do last night?

Huh?

I was-- I was home... by myself.

(chuckles) By yourself, huh?

Yeah, by myself.

Sounds captivating.

"So as we finish up our final weeks

"here at 'Larry Sanders,'

"it gives us an opportunity...

"to have some old friends and special guests drop by.

And tonight, we're in for a treat, ladies and gentlemen."

And then it's Liza Minnelli? Man: Right, Sid?

Liza Minnelli. Comes out.

(applause, laughter)

♪ What good is sitting alone in your room ♪

♪ Come hear the music play ♪

♪ Life is a cabaret, old chum ♪

♪ Come to the cabaret ♪

Good luck, Larry!

We're all gonna miss you.

But thanks for all the wonderful years.

Okay, sorry, sorry.

Thank you, Liza.

♪ Put down your knitting ♪

♪ The book and the broom ♪

♪ It's time for a holiday ♪

♪ Life is a cabaret, old chum ♪

Larry: Okay, that's enough. ♪ Come to the-- ♪

I got-- Okay, that's--

I'm sorry, I was supposed to interrupt sooner.

That's enough, Liza. One number is fine.

Screw you, Larry.

My mother and I always hated you.

♪ Come to the cabaret ♪

Larry: Liza Minnelli, please.

♪ Come taste the wine ♪

And I'll do this? ♪ Come blow your horn ♪

♪ Come hear the music ♪

♪ Come follow me ♪

♪ Your table's waiting ♪

(laughing) Wait! No, wait!

That's-- that's funny.

I'll call Army Archerd, tour de force, new face in town, Sid.

Hilarious. Thanks. Good job, good job.

Sid... (laughter)

Nice job, nice job out there.

I said it was a nice job out there.

Can you hear me? Thank you.

They wanted a freak show and you gave it to 'em.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means that you're a fucking freak.

Look, I should-- I should be playing Liza Minnelli.

You know? I know Liza Minnelli.

What you did out there is a train wreck.

You're not a performer. What are you? You're a cue card holder.

Leave me alone, dipshit.

You know what's really sad?

You don't know the fucking difference

between being laughed with and being laughed at.

(knocking) Yeah, who is it?

Come in.

I'll call you right back.

Artie, hi.

You have to meet this psychic. She's... amazing.

We don't put psychics on the show. I know, but--

We leave that and teenage makeovers to Ms. Ricki Lake.

I know, but she's unbelievable.

She talked to my grandmother, she knew her name.

Ah, the old grandma trick.

You know, Kreskin tried that on me 20 years ago.

He said, "Is there a man in your life with a 'D'

and an 'A' and a 'D'?

I said, "Yeah, that's my dad!"

I think Larry would be really funny with her.

Just let her give you a reading.

Artie, this is Char.

Well, what a delight to meet such a charming and beautiful woman.

Thank you. We don't have psychics on the show.

Sit down, tell him something.

Artie, sit down.

Okay, give me a second.

I see a new woman in your life.

On most nights, you'd be batting a thousand.

Your mother, did she have dark hair?

And was there an "A" in her name?

How'd you know that?

Adelle?

See? And you had a grandfather named... Jacob.

Grandpa Jake.

Taught me how to fish.

Oh, my God.

Please, let's get back to the new woman.

I can't quite make her out.

It's somebody with light brown hair.

It's someone you just met.

There's a "C," it starts with a "C"

and there's an "A" in it.

Does that ring a bell at all?

Is there also an "H" and an "R,"

Char?

I think Larry will find you delightful,

and I predict a booking on Friday night.

Godammit! Where is that little asshole?

Uh, could you watch your language?

Hurry up!

Excuse me, you're a writer,

you could pick up this Magic Marker,

and you could write the jokes yourself.

Jesus, you have worse handwriting

than Stephen Hawking. You know, forget you. Here.

Hey, what's all the tumult? Sid isn't here.

Brian, come here. You must have good handwriting.

Help me out. What is that supposed to mean?

Five minutes before the show, totally unprofessional.

But you see, that is Sid.

Artie: Hey, folks. Listen up, will you?

I just... got a call from Sid's brother.

Mm-hmm, five minutes before the show.

I think-- I think you got to take some action here.

I mean, people have been fired for just, a lot less.

He's dead. There you go, good for you.

You got to set an example.

No. I mean, he killed himself.

Beverly: What? He was fine during the rehearsal, Artie.

Well, apparently, after that,

he ran home and took an overdose of pills.

Well, what could've happened between the rehearsal and then?

Well, I know it's gonna be tough, we've got exactly four minutes.

Got to do a show.

Let's do this one for Sid. What do you say?

And not a word of this to Larry.

Anyway, we have a great show tonight.

We have, uh...

We have a great show tonight.

My guests are...

It's just-- We have a great show.

Some nights you have a special, special show

where you have terrific guests, and some ni--

honestly, you just have, you know, average guests.

But tonight's one of those nights when we have...

uh, really good guests.

Beverly, it's not that you didn't do a good job.

It's just that I'm used to the way Sid does the cards.

Wh... where the hell was he?

(whispers) Excuse me.

Who died?

Sid. He killed himself this afternoon.

I didn't want to tell you about it, you know, before the show.

Well, does everybody else know? Pretty much.

So I-- I don't have to break it to anyone.

No, taken care of.

(exhaling) We need to, uh--

Send flowers? That's done.

(exhales) And the-- Funeral?

Tomorrow afternoon.

Right, so I should probably...

Short appearance, 20 minutes, tops.

Car will be waiting. Excellent.

Sid. Jesus. What great handwriting, huh?

Wonder if they'll ask me to be a pallbearer?

Because you know, I have a bad--

Back? Oh...

Shoulder? Okay.

I'm going to hell. What?

I'm going to hell. I...

I killed Sid.

(scoffs) What are you talking about?

Stop it!

I killed Sid.

What happened?

I-- I-- I... I told him

he was a... a fourth-rate Larry "Bud" Melman.

Oh, come on.

You guys joke like that all the time. Mm.

When did this happen?

At rehearsal, an hour before his death.

Oh?

And then I... I told him,

he was being... laughed at, not with.

You said that?

Call Rosey Grier.

Ask him if he'll come over and pray with me.

Okay.

He's a good guy, right?

Mm-hmm, and very discreet.

That was... the essence of Sid.

He was always jumping in...

and helping people out.

He was a real hero to me.

So, Sid, buddy, here's to you.

(applause) (sighs)

I'm here for you. We'll get through this.

That was long.

What?

Well, introduce me.

Introduce me.

Oh.

I want to introduce you to... one of Sid's biggest fans--

the great Larry Sanders.

No, no.

Well, I appreciate that.

I usually am only used to, uh...

hearing the applause when I'm with Sid,

because usually when I walk out to do the monologue,

which I think is, you know, the most important part of the show,

and, uh... the funniest.

Anyway... just a real loss.

But cue card men never die,

they just get... whited out.

No flipping.

Shut up, Phil.

(applause)

That didn't go well.

I shouldn't have done the, uh... the whiting out joke.

Artie: Oh, it was good.

It didn't work. But you know why?

Because you went so long, you killed the whole audience.

I didn't know you were gonna tell a joke.

I thought you were gonna dry up... Yeah.

...'cause it's so emotional.

You know what? I-- Should I go again?

No.

Man: I can't believe Larry actually showed up.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm Sid's brother, Fred.

Oh... I'm so s-- sorry, uh...

Your brother was a wonderful man, sir,

and a very funny guy,

a very gifted actor,

who... people laughed with and not at.

He told me you always used to give him a hard time.

Really? Yeah, he said you always ragged on him.

I don't... recall that.

Um... there was some verbal sparring,

of course, all in good fun.

Uh, you know, "snaps," I... I believe the kids call it.

How's the family gettin' on?

Not so good. Really?

Sid left kind of a mess,

you know, a lot of unpaid bills and, uh...

insurance policy he borrowed money on.

I'd like to help, but I'm living on unemployment.

I'll take care of everything.

The funeral, the bills,

I'll... I'll take care of it.

Why?

Well...

Because I loved him.

You know, I didn't know Sid that well,

but the passing of anyone touches us all.

So why don't we all join together in prayer,

saying goodbye to Sid?

Would you bow your heads.

Father, God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob,

how we thank you for the privilege and opportunity

that you gave us just to have a short time with Sid.

I think of each person that's here,

saying goodbye in their own special way.

Real dinosaurs.

Really? Yeah.

So, you're just running

and there's nothing there chasing you?

Fake... things.

I mean, you know...

Oh. Fake dinosaurs.

Larry, this is Laura Dern.

She's gonna be on the show tonight.

Hi! Hi. Nice to meet you.

Oh, it's so nice to meet you.

Wow, what a... great thing that you're on the show.

I'm so thrilled. What a delight.

I'm a huge fan. Are you kidding?

Yeah, a delight for me. She's gonna talk about

her trip to Mexico.

The sunburn? The-- I assume, sunburn,

some story, funny story... about a sunburn?

Fair... skin? Yeah, something...

Do you guys know each other? No.

No. We've never met before, have we?

I think like a hello, at a--

At a function of some sort, I believe. Yeah.

Wasn't it at a function, where-- I don't remember, even.

But this is... This is better.

This is better. Well, have fun out there.

Okay, thank you, you too. Sorry to interrupt.

Oh... You know, she's...

She's gettin' it all down.

Better than talking to me.

Nice meetin' you. Ah, you too.

Larry...

Artie.

It gives me great pleasure

to introduce you

to 1998's "Sports Illustrated" swimsuit cover girl,

Ms. Heidi Klum.

Happy to meet you.

Hi, nice to meet you.

I'm so happy to be on your show.

Really?

Oh, uh, Laura, this is Heidi Klum--

You're on the show tonight?

Yeah, she's on the show tonight.

That's nice. Nice.

Don't forget the Discover card.

What are you talking about? It's right here.

Oh, $2,400...

Fuck me...

Wha-- Does anybody take Discover anymore?

I mean... Was this guy current on anything?

Hank, we want you to do the Liza Minnelli sketch tonight.

Oh, I can't. I can't.

I mean, that's-- that's Sid's baby.

I-- I could never fill those shoes.

Brian...

Yeah, sure, I'll do it.

No, excuse us, please. Oh, yes.

What are all these warm, squishy fuzzies

for Sid all of a sudden?

What do you mean?

Don't shit me, you and Sid hated each other.

Now you're mourning him like you're Yoko Ono.

What'd you say to Sid?

When?

Right after rehearsal, when you walked away from me

and made a beeline backstage.

Probably to tell him how rotten he was,

and how much better you'd be in the sketch, right?

No.

No, we, uh, we just talked about, uh, cars.

Really?

What kind of car did Sid have?

We-- we never got to that.

Ah. Huh.

Hi, Larry. I'm Char.

Oh, hi, welcome. Thanks.

Welcome. Happy to see you.

How's this gonna work, exactly?

I'll just ask you questions like...

"Are you dating somebody that's a ''' or an 'L' initial?"

I'm not dating anyone.

"L-A" like Laura?

Dern?

Ah, the lovely Char.

If you could read my mind, you know that I'm a bad boy.

Why don't you wait in my office?

We got some lovely Belgium chocolates in there.

Lori, can you help out here?

(Larry clears throat)

What's wrong?

Bump her. Why?

Because she said I'm dating Laura Dern and I am.

Oh, what a relief!

That explains why you weren't making a move

on that "Sports Illustrated" babe.

Just replace her with someone who doesn't know anything

about my personal life, okay?

Who the hell could that be?

Jerry Stiller.

Fine.

You know, it is gonna be a little strange

sitting there and not seeing Sid out there.

Okay, now don't-- don't-- don't... dwell on that.

You know, it was wrong for that girl

to cut things off so abruptly.

Shirley.

Who's Shirley?

His girlfriend.

Girlfriend?

Yeah, yeah. She left him right before he killed himself.

You didn't know? He had her stashed

in a little place in the Valley.

Used to bang her on lunch.

Lunch.

Yeah, that's why Janice left him.

Who's Janice?

His wife.

I thought his wife was dead.

Sid.

No. I guess he liked to tell people that.

What a piece of work.

Can you imagine killing yourself over a couple of chicks?

There's no Sprite in there.

I'm Char, the psychic.

I'm on the show tonight.

Have a good time.

Thanks.

Can I ask you something? Sure.

Do you have somebody who's close to you

that's an "S" initial?

I don't know.

Maybe it's somebody deceased.

Yeah, like an "S-I,"

like a Sid or a Sidney?

No... nothing. I mean, nothing--

He-- he wants you to do the sketch.

Does that mean anything to you?

Mexico. Wow. Yeah.

Did you go with, uh, anybody to Mexico?

Larry: I'll bet you went alone.

Yeah, I do love to travel alone.

You travel alone.

She travels alone, that's my instinct.

You were right. Loner.

Laura: Yep.

Picked it up like that. That's me.

We'll have you on another night.

No, you won't.

You know I have a place in Mexico.

Oh, do you really?

In Cabo San Lucas.

Well, this is a perfect place--

Yes, Cabo San Lucas. Laura: You have a beautiful accent.

Thank you. I sort of put a little tilde on that, didn't I?

We all do when we... speak foreign languages.

If you do travel alone,

I would love for you to come and visit, uh, my house.

I would love to cook for you and-- and, um--

Why don't we take a break,

and, uh, we'll be back with more of, uh, Laura Dern.

No flipping.

(applause)

Ah, my little rambling rose,

delightful as ever.

Give my best to your mom and your dad. Dern old Bruce.

Okay.

Good, huh?

I don't think they could tell there was

any underlying sexual chemistry, do you?

No.

None at all?

No. I mean, you did a great job.

But it was like when you were interviewing Dan Rather.

You are going to be very glad that you stayed,

because, uh, you know, as we wind down here on "The Larry Sanders Show,"

a lot of very famous, special people have come by

to express their well wishes,

and here is yet another one.

Ladies and gentlemen, Liza Minnelli.

Liza Minnelli!

(cheers and applause) Liza!

(piano playing slow melody)

♪ What good is sitting ♪

♪ Alone in your room ♪

♪ Come hear the music play ♪

♪ Come to the cabaret, old chum ♪

♪ Life is a cabaret ♪

Good luck, Larry. We're all gonna miss you, sweetie.

Thank you for the wonderful years.

(cheers and applause)

Thank you, Liza.

Thank you.

Thank you, Liza.

♪ Start by admitting from cradle to tomb ♪

♪ Isn't that long a stay ♪

♪ Life is a cabaret, old chum ♪

Okay, Liza, Liza, that's fine, thank you.

That's enough.

Liza, that's enough. That's enough!

♪ Life is a-- ♪ Liza!

Ah, screw you, Larry.

I got to tell you something.

My mom and I always hated you.

♪ Life is a cabaret, old chum ♪

♪ Only a cabaret, old chum ♪

♪ So come to the cabaret ♪

(cheers and applause)

Larry: Liza Minnelli!

That was good.

Were they, uh...

Were they laughing with me or were they laughing at me?

Well, at you.

But hilarious. Really good.

Aw, Sid, you fuck.

You tricked me, buddy.

You're gonna be so happy that you stayed,

because our next guest is a very funny man.

He plays George's father on "Seinfeld."

He's also a part of the fantastic

comedy team Stiller and Meara.

Please give a warm welcome to Jerry Stiller!

(cheers and applause) Thank you.

And, uh, you know, I mentioned that "Seinfeld"

is going off the air, but, in truth, you have a whole career happening,

don't you, separate from that.

There's a life after "Seinfeld."

But forget about my life. What about your life?

I just ran into a, uh, a psychic in the parking lot

who told me that you and Laura are an item.

Is this the truth?

(applause and whooping) Is this the truth?

(theme music playing)