Original subtitles

Larry: Welcome back, and, uh, boy, I want to thank

my guests, Elton John and Christine Baranski,

and, of course, Matt Dillon.

And, uh, next week I'm on vacation.

But sitting in for me will be guest host Jon Stewart.

And, um... if my brother Stan is watching,

I'll see you Monday morning at eleven, Stan.

I just saved 95 cents on a phone call there.

(laughter)

Uh, good night, and no flipping.

(cheers and applause)

(theme music playing)

Man: We're clear!

Ahoy, Captain Sanders.

The USS Hilarity is now safely in her berth.

You know, has anyone ever told you,

you should start wearing a sailor's cap?

Yeah.

The late Rock Hudson.

Well, that is another conversation.

I hear your brother Stan's coming to town.

That's right, he's staying with me.

I'm really, you know, looking forward to it.

Ah.

What does that mean?

Oh, nothing, I'm just practicing my Chinese.

Why don't you just send him a check?

Because, you know what? I'm out of envelopes.

Well, so who's he got on?

Artie: Kristen Johnston, Jason Alexander,

and the Wu-Tang Clan.

Did he bring that fucking dog?

The pecker hasn't even shown up yet.

Larry: Oh, man.

You'd think he'd at least want to be on time, huh?

(doorbell rings)

Oh, someone's at the door. Can you hold on?

Well, don't you think it's your brother Stan?

Oh, my God. I forgot Stan was even coming.

Artie: Yeah, and see to it and then call me back.

Yeah, I'll call you back.

Okay.

Stan! Hey.

God, it's great to see you.

Hey, it's been too long. Great to see you.

Great to see you. Come on in.

Thanks for the limousine.

Are you kidding? That was great.

Now, I shouldn't have tipped that guy, right?

No, I... I completely took care of that, you don't have to worry.

Come on. Oh, great. Now, is this an original?

Don't touch that, just come on in.

You look fantastic, Stan.

Have a seat. All right.

I set the whole schedule aside. I thought maybe we'd--

I'm gonna get the, uh, baseball card collection.

I thought maybe we'd play a little basketball.

With Duchovny and Seinfeld?

Oh... Well, those guys, they're, uh, they're working.

But I thought we'd play, you know, just together.

Oh, okay, that's good. Yeah.

Actually, that'll give us a chance to talk about

that business deal I mentioned on the phone.

Which one?

We got rid of the deadwood from the other show.

We've got the heir apparent in place. He--

Hey, guys.

Hey, how's the newest star of late-night TV?

Ah, just happy to be out of rehab.

I'm kidding.

Save some for the show, hotshot.

Listen, Jon, we just stopped by to let you know

how happy everybody upstairs is that you're here this week.

Thanks, it's nerve-racking, but it's all happening so fast--

Go out there, be Jon Stewart, have fun.

I can do that.

With Larry leaving, this is your chance

to put your stamp on the show.

We need watercooler moments.

Well, I think you're gonna be happy.

We've got Kristen Johnston, Jason Alexander, the Wu-Tang Clan.

It's a great start. Wu-Tang Clan?

Yeah, a buddy of mine at MTV hooked us up.

He smells like he just rolled out of a bar.

Did Jon Stewart... get the meat I sent him?

Yes, I called the tracking number,

and the people in Omaha said it was delivered on Saturday.

Saturday? Mm-hm.

Well, Jesus, that's $200 worth of meat.

I mean... no thank-you note, I'm fucked.

Actually, it was $100, 'cause you went

with the strip steaks instead of the fillets.

Great news, Hank.

You're in tonight's sketch.

I am? Mm-hmm.

All right, that's great.

Uh, what am I doing?

You're playing Hitler.

The Hitler?

Yeah, one and the same.

Yeah, Jon and I wrote it.

You and Jon.

Uh-huh.

So, if you have any questions, just, uh, stop by my office.

Yeah, uh...

I, uh... I do.

You guys, uh...

you wrote this-- you wrote this for me?

Look, Hank, I don't know who

he's considering for sidekick.

All I know is he's meeting with this fresh,

young stand-up from Comedy Central.

I'm fucked.

Comedy Central. Oh, come on.

I have to, uh, wear something tonight

that'll make me look young... and fresh.

That's not young and fresh. Oh.

This is not young and fresh. This is old. Oh!

This is show business.

Excuse me.

Uh, smell this.

Hank, I don't want to be rude,

but I can get you a spray that'll deal with that.

Doesn't this smell like urine?

Let's not put a name to it.

Let me just get you the spray.

So I need-- I need three actors for this sketch.

I need a white guy, a black guy, and an Asian woman.

Why is it always an Asian woman?

Two birds with one stone.

What does that mean? It's an old--

Can I have your attention, please?

Brian? Mm-hmm.

Somebody pissed all over my shoes.

Now, there are jokes,

and then there is piss all over my shoes.

These are two... entirely different things.

Okay, Phil...

Come on.

Come on, is it you?

Is it you, or is it

one of your little asshole writer buddies?

No, Hank.

You'd probably know if I pissed all over your shoes

'cause I had asparagus last night.

Somebody better tell me which asshole pissed all over my office,

or I'm just gonna-- I'm gonna call the police.

Uh, hey, Hank.

I'm sorry.

You know, I, uh... Jon.

...think that was probably my dog.

He's got a bladder infection from, I think, rough sex.

I didn't even know you had a dog, Jon.

I love dogs. Yeah.

They're great. Yeah.

I just-- I feel terrible, Hank, so listen.

No! Send me the cleaning bills.

No. Honestly,

or if you want, you can shit in his bowl.

Or whatever you want to do.

So, all right? I'm sorry about that. Hey now.

Don't give it a second thought.

What dogs go through, it's terrible.

I mean, they have to hold it in all day.

I mean, if I were a dog, I'd just be, just...

shitting all over the place. Right. Right.

What can we do, just tie their assholes in a knot?

I-- I think that's balloon animals.

Phil, do you want to go do that--

Do you know what's great about dogs?

Uh, the ball-licking thing?

They're loyal.

They stick by their masters.

Unless, of course, their masters abandon them.

And then they have to find a new master.

But when they find their new master, they're loyal forever.

Assuming, of course, that new master wants them.

Al, is that the new gel for Jon's special?

That's a Light Rose 107?

Al: Yeah!

How long, K.O.?

Two minutes?

Yeah.

Okay, Robbie, warm up the spot.

Arthur.

Melanie!

And Kenny. What an almost pleasant surprise.

Excuse me.

The circuits are all checked, right?

Ed, the mikes all hot?

What are you, a roadie now, Artie? Kenny...

Can't take him anywhere, can you?

No. Look, Arthur, we're a little worried here.

About what?

Well, is Jon aware that this is an 11:30 show?

I mean, he just told us that he booked the Wu-Tang Clan.

Yes, Staten Island's streetwise troubadours.

Okay, hit it.

What about 'em?

Well, we think they might be a little too... urban.

"Urban"?

Well, I can call my good friend Lenny Kravitz.

He's only half urban.

Let's bump it up, uh... three points.

Look... Arthur,

we don't want Jon to scare

Larry's audience off completely.

Okay, cut it.

Okay, fellas, let's take five.

It's you guys that want him.

Yeah, yeah, we want him,

but we don't want this to turn into a fuckin' freak show,

like they've got over there at "Conan."

What do you want me to do?

Well, we've just-- we gotta start--

Controlling him? No, working with him.

Oh, pardon me.

Uh, what about this as a door prize?

Hey, boyos!

Well, I don't wanna piss out your comedy campfire here,

but we have a minor problem.

Oh, what'd my dog do?

Jon...

have you ever started dating a woman,

you treated her very gently, took her to fine restaurants,

opened doors for her, charmed her parents,

and you gave her some hugs,

but you didn't even attempt to kiss her for a long time.

Then one day, in your car, in broad daylight,

suddenly, she jumps on you

and starts giving you a blow job.

Right?

Well, the network wants you to bump Wu-Tang Clan.

So, I'm not gettin' a blow job?

Well, the theory is, is they want you to build up

a broad base of fan support

before you start scaring the shit out of the Midwest.

They didn't say anything two hours ago.

And what a glorious two hours that was.

Now you have a choice of three:

the home-schooled heartthrobs known as Hanson,

the 1995 Country music's best new artist,

achy breaky Billy Ray Cyrus,

and the reunited, reinvigorated,

rehabilitated Three Dog Night.

Take your pick.

Artie...

I have a policy,

never bump a band that's packin' heat.

Jon: When are you gonna do your movie?

I'm gonna do a movie maybe this year,

try to get it out by Christmas, you know what I mean?

Yeah. So it sparkles in the air.

That's gonna be nice, man. Thank you very much for coming down.

You got the envelope, right?

I got the envelope, I got the fruit basket, I got everything.

Guys, thank you so much.

Thank you, man. I appreciate it.

(indistinct chatter)

We'll get the birds. All we have are interns.

I'll do the best I can for you.

All right? That'll be all right, right?

I got it.

Here. It's called, uh, "Enter the Wu-Tang,"

and it's their very newest CD. Okay.

"Bring da Ruckus,"

"Shame on a Nigga."

I think it's "Shame the Nigga."

"Shame on a Nigga." Yeah, you're right.

"Clan in da Front."

My God, they look like carjackers.

Jon: You saved my ass, so, I appreciate it.

Ron. Yeah, is he happy? He's doing better, isn't he?

Yeah, except that weight. I know, exactly.

How you doing, guys?

What's going on, boss?

Hank Kingsley.

Hank, what up, Hank?

Aight, Handsome Hank, ballplayer.

Okay. How you doin', guys?

Hey, what's goin' on?

How are you? Hank Kingsley.

Hey, bro? How you doin', man?

Peace, boss, how you feel? (mutters)

I'm sorry, I didn't get that. (mutters)

Hey... all right. I'm into that.

Well, I just want to tell you guys I'm, uh...

Hey, man, how you doin'? All right.

Yeah? I'm really thrilled for you guys to be here.

I gotta tell you, my absolute favorite song

is, uh, "Shame on a Nigga."

"Shame on a Nigga"? "Shame on a Nigga"?

Man... No?

It's a phat song, though.

Good song, good song.

Yeah? All right. Hey, where's, uh, Dirty Old Bitch?

You mean Ol' Dirty Bastard, right?

Ol' Dirty Bastard, Ol' Dirty Bastard.

Get it straight, man, get it straight.

Where... where is he?

You know, he just got out of jail, you know what I mean?

He's just holdin' it down at home for a while, you know?

Oh, man, see, I know that-- I know that dig, you know?

I got-- I got parking tickets comin' right outta my ass.

You know? Fuckers, cops, you know?

Fuckers!

You know? You know?

Hey, well, listen, huh?

You know, have a ball while you're here, okay?

You know, for real. Okay? Hey.

Oh, shit. What you dealing with, man?

Go somewhere with that, man.

Ain't no stickup, baby. Stick up.

Get out of here, man.

What's up with your man, Jon?

I just, uh... on behalf of all my people, I'd like to apologize.

Thanks for coming, guys.

Yo, cat's bogged, yo.

Fuck y'all. Ready, hold on, ready?

Break it down, come on.

Yo, yo, yo, check it, yo.

♪ Fuck y'all analog niggas we be digital ♪

♪ Wu-Tang killer army, we indispensable ♪

♪ We never fall, we stand tall ♪

♪ Like skyscrapers and justice for all ♪

♪ Ocean wide, worldwide, done on the outside ♪

♪ Cyanide, homicide, inside, it's on, it's on ♪

♪ My uniform's uno, a cappella was take two ♪

♪ Respect due, no commercial ♪

♪ I teach those, I reach those ♪

♪ Higher heights, mikes of death, words of wisdom ♪

♪ Words of a architect strike ♪

♪ Hype is the crowd down low, it's me ♪

♪ Check we radical thug nightclub ♪

Wu-Tang Clan.

Hey, they're great. We're locked in.

Okay, okay, if Jon feels that way,

let him have 'em.

But what's this about?

What is it? It's the Hitler sketch.

I don't know what this is.

It's about Hitler.

Artie, we got a call from standards and practices.

Now, we have to make our position absolutely clear on this.

There will be no representation

of Adolf Hitler on this network.

Except in documentary or docudrama form.

Until 10 seconds ago,

I was blissfully unaware

that such a Hitler sketch existed.

♪ All right, motherfuckers ♪

Did they say "motherfucker"?

I believe they did.

♪ Spot the best pussy ♪

And "pussy"?

That, too.

Do you remember my friend Barry?

Barry? My friend?

Which guy is that?

He's the guy that can get his hands on these diamonds,

they're uncut.

Oh. He brings them over from South Africa

at seven million dollars. Right.

As soon as they come over, it's $25 million.

Everything's included, it's certified.

That's somethin'.

It's a very sweet deal. Sounds like it.

This is a great situation where I know the contacts

and have access to the capital.

We put 'em together, we're printing money.

This is great.

I feel like, you know...

like we're really catching up.

I feel the exact same way. Really?

This is gonna be a really good deal for both of us.

I'm so glad you're here.

I have a question for you.

What are you gonna do now that the show's over?

I'm scared to death, Stan.

Well, you should be

because you don't have anything on the back burner.

Remember Carson's last show, the last show,

the big last show?

Yeah. How many people you think

tuned in for that, how many viewers?

You're in the business.

I don't know.

20 million.

20 million. That sounds right.

Yeah, well, that's why Carson's an idiot.

'Cause if he'd just done a pay-per-view

at $39 a pop,

he would've made $800 million, one night.

That's before video or anything.

Idiot.

Right.

Sounds like you've really thought it through, Stan.

Hey, it's just math.

Now you've got one of these...

"last shows" coming up, don't you?

Yes, I do.

Barry... he knows the guy who set up the WWF,

the whole system.

The World Wrestling Federation? Federation, exactly.

Barry knows that guy?

Wow, he's connected.

Okay, now, if I wanted to buy the Roberto Clemente from you...

how much would you sell it for me?

Hmm... 'Cause I think I can sell it.

A conglomerate of shit on a shingle.

You told me you were doing "Jon's Bar Mitzvah Memory."

Yeah, well, this is funnier.

That's not the goddamn point, Jon.

You leave me out there with my pants around my ankles, Vaseline on my ass.

I don't know what the fuck happened.

Artie, you wouldn't have approved this sketch.

That's right, it's Hitler, goddamn it. It's funny!

It doesn't bother me and I'm Jewish.

So was Jesus, and we all know where he ended up.

Yeah, on the WB.

(chuckling)

You're a funny guy.

Oh, by the way, the network has bumped the Wu-Tang Clan.

Sweetheart, if you do this Hitler sketch,

you're gonna follow 'em right out the door.

Jon: Uh, how tall a woman are you?

I am six feet tall, and you know what?

If I never have to answer that question again,

I'll be a happy woman.

Are you serious? Yeah.

So that wasn't the way to get in.

I think I'm just gonna write like, you know, have a tattoo...

on my forehead. Six feet.

Really?

I have that tattoo somewhere else.

(laughter)

What do you think?

Oh, he's-- he's doin' great.

Yeah, yeah, this is just what we wanted.

Jon: Your character on the show

is a man trapped in a woman's body.

I'm a very masculine alien in a woman's body.

None of us have any sex

until we've been put into these bodies.

Wow. I can't believe I'm not on your show.

You know what's odd-- You know, you could be.

No, I'm sure I could.

I'm actually a very masculine alien trapped

in Mickey Rooney's body. Isn't that sad?

(cheers and applause)

All right.

Is everybody doing okay?

Is the keg tapped back there?

Are you enjoying yourselves? Uh, very nice.

You know, uh, I was in Germany recently,

according to this intro,

and I saw one of their most popular game shows,

and oddly enough, it patterns itself

after one of our most popular game shows.

So without further adieu, let me introduce you to this.

It's a quiz show from Germany.

Please welcome your host, Adolf Hankler.

Adolf!

(cheers and applause)

Heil now!

And welcome to the show.

And let's get started.

The categories are "20th Century History,"

"Tennis," "Medicine,"

"Begins with W,"

and "Potpourri."

I thought we told him to cut that.

We did.

Hank: Which one of you is Matt?

Let's go.

Hank: Heil now.

You won the coin toss backstage, pick the first category.

Uh, I'll take "20th Century History," Adolf.

Good.

Hank: "The cause of the sinking of the Titanic."

(bell dings) What is an iceberg?

(buzzer) No, I'm sorry.

The correct response is "What were the Jews?"

(audience laughs)

Hello? Mr. Alexander?

Hi, you'll be on right after this sketch.

Um... excuse me, do you know,

I'm the celebrity spokesman for the Anti-Defamation League?

No, I didn't know that. Okay.

This is really inappropriate.

This is offensive.

I'm sorry, I can't, uh, I can't follow this.

I'm sorry, I can't go on after this.

Didn't you do Nazi stuff on "Seinfeld"?

Yeah, that's an entirely different situation.

Oh.

What is this?

This is your new host, Jon Stewart.

He's Hit-larious.

Arthur, I thought we agreed-- no Hitler.

Well, he's toned it down just for you.

What do you mean "Hitler"? This is "Hankler."

You tell him it's cut.

We're not putting that fucking sketch on the air.

They would never let us do this on "Third Rock."

Yeah?

Pick another topic.

Uh... "Potpourri"?

"This small group of people

control all the world's money."

24-hour turnaround.

I cannot listen to this anymore, Stan.

Okay, just think about it. Just think about it.

Listen, you know what the trouble is,

I've got all my money invested in Hong Kong chickens.

Do me a favor, call Barry, talk to him.

Because he is just better at this.

I don't want to invest in your goddamn diamonds, Stan!

Look, I'm not asking for a handout here.

This is a legitimate business venture.

Oh, I'm sure it's a good business venture.

After all, Barry's involved in it.

Oh, so what, I want to triple your money in one day,

and what, I'm a fucking asshole.

You know what, Stan? I made a mistake.

I thought you were coming here...

so we could get closer as brothers, okay?

That's what I thought.

So, when you ask me for money,

I feel like your father,

and it fucks everything up.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for coming out here

and fuckin' everything up for you,

but some of us have to work or a living.

We don't go onstage and tell jokes

and cash checks, and fuck actresses.

I'm aware of that. You are aware of that.

Well, let me tell you what I'm aware of.

You are selfish.

You're selfish now, you were selfish when you were 10.

It's always you and your career

and your show and your therapist,

and everyone else is second,

me, and mom and everybody.

That is not true.

It's true.

That isn't true.

All right, just tell me the names of my kids.

Answer me that.

(applause)

That was good, huh? Wasn't it good?

That was great.

Wow, we should make that a regular part of the show. Yeah.

Very, very funny.

It was funny.

Absolutely.

The network is cutting it.

It's gone.

It's gone?

Se fue.

Let's just bring out Jason Alexander.

We'll do three segments and...

Well, Jason got offended by the sketch. He left.

So tonight's show is me and Kristen Johnston for an hour?

No. The entire show is gone.

I believe tonight will be a "Best of Larry."

I can't believe I went with my instincts, Jesus.

Artie...

You got to be my producer, man.

You got to stay.

I can't do the show without you.

(laughing)

All right, let's cut the shit.

Am I in or out?

Good luck with your fuckin' show

because it's off to a great start.

Loser.

Stan: There's only two, one's a girl.

(phone rings)

Hello.

Are you sitting down?

Hold on one second.

Larry: Why don't you, um...

have Barry call my business manager

and have him send the prospectus...

and, uh...

I'll take a look at it.

You'd do that?

It sounds like, um... something worthwhile.

It's not something worth-- It's golden.

Hello, Artie? What's up?

Uh, they pulled the show.

It was a fucking catastrophe.

You're kidding.

Listen, set your VCR

for "The Larry Sanders Anniversary Show" number five.

Artie: It's a classic.

I'm on TV tonight.

(theme music playing)