Original subtitles

We're back with, uh, Vince Vaughn.

We were just talking before the commercial break

about, uh, your upcoming movie and, uh, what you play in it.

It's called "Clay Pigeons," is it?

Yeah, it's called "Clay Pigeons," and I play

a character named Lester Long, who's sort of a drifter.

You do a lot of independent--

small, independent movies, and I-- I salute you.

It's-- you make really good choices.

Well, I appreciate it.

And great to have you here

towards the end here on our last few weeks.

I really appreciate it, Appreciate you coming by.

especially with your show winding down. It must be an interesting time for you.

So, thanks for having me and, uh, you know,

good luck to you in the future. Must have a lot of opportunities after this.

Well, I do have a lot of opportunities. I...

Wow.

Party's over, huh?

Must have nothing going on now as they say, huh, Hank?

Well, it's not nothing going on.

I got a couple, uh, irons in the fire. Really?

Hank: Well, I mean nothing--

I mean, what kind of irons do you possibly have going on?

Well, nothing big. I mean, nothing like, you know,

your career-- the blurry, out of focus, independent film.

Right, right, right.

Which blurry, independent film are you talking about?

Are you talking about "The Lost World: Jurassic Park,"

which was one of the highest grossing films in history?

Larry: Yeah. That's right.

Well, it was-- it was, uh, gross all right.

What did they do at-- when they called you to their-- places?

Did they-- they say, uh, uh, "Mr. Vaughn and--

and the-- the rest of you dinosaurs"?

(laughter)

Why don't we take a break?

I can tell you-- Vince: Okay. Yeah.

I can tell you this:

Hank doesn't even have a fire, let alone irons.

(laughter)

We'll be right back. No flipping.

(applause)

That was funny. That was good.

That was a very funny run, you guys.

Hey, man, so you know, I just, uh, was playing with you.

Nothing personal. Hey, man, would you take it personally

if I told you that you were nothing but the, uh,

flavor of the month?

Are you for real?

Because you are.

And next month is gonna be another flavor.

Jerk.

Fucking asshole.

Bitter fucking asshole.

Oh! Beverly, uh, I want you to take my car

to Premier Auto Detailers tomorrow.

And don't let that toothless Ukrainian guy near it.

Only give the keys to Caro. To Caro!

And don't forget to tip him two bucks!

Uh, Hank, when does Brian get back?

Oh, who knows how long these gay cruises last?

They're in international waters. They can do anything.

Mary Lou: Beverly?

Oh, my gosh, what's wrong?

I just hit Hank's car. Oh.

When? Just now!

You're not parked anywhere near Hank's car. You're in another lot.

I know. I'm such a bad driver. Well, what happened?

I was coming over here to pick up some stuff

and I ran into the back of his car.

It's like I was drunk. Well, are you?

Now? Well, which car did you hit?

I don't know. It was really big and foreign,

kind of like a big boat. Oh, god.

Oh.

You hit his Bentley.

Oh. Is that bad?

Oi. It's really bad, right?

(knock on door)

Hey, Artie? Norman!

I thought I smelled hype in the air. What, too heavy?

No, not for the prince of PR.

Where's Larry?

I would calculate at this very moment,

he's at Sunset and Beverly Glen.

Oh, damn. I wanted to run an idea by you guys

for the interview we're doing for "Extra."

Go ahead. Okay.

Larry Sanders poolside.

You know, legend in repose.

Sunlight makes the legend squint.

Okay, how about

on a veranda sipping iced tea?

You know, Larry at leisure.

How about in the living room on the couch?

You know, Larry in the living room on the couch.

That's good too.

Did you get the topics from Momo yet?

"Momo"?

Maureen O'Boyle.

We go way back.

Please, don't ask.

Please, don't tell.

We were lovers in '88

and again in '92.

Really?

What was-- what was that like?

Oh, Norman. Please, don't pry.

It was hot. Very hot.

What am I gonna do? I don't know what to do!

No, I'll tell you what you're gonna do.

You're gonna tell him. That's all you're gonna do. But--

(calmly) Say, Beverly?

My rear left quarter panel is jammed against my tire,

so I can't drive my car.

Oh, this really messes up everything,

because I can't go to the Habitat

(shouting) for fucking Humanity banquet

in a dented Bentley, because some shit-bag

smashed into my fucking car!

Oh... my gosh! Who did this?

Wait a second.

Wait a second here.

I know who it was.

It was... Hank, I--

Vince fucking Vaughn!

Hank, I-- Vince fucking Vaughn!

Beverly...

would you get Vince Vaughn's home address for me?

Why?

(whispers) I don't know.

Uh...

I'm just gonna let him cool down.

Hank: Fucker! Fucker!

Look, it's only gonna get worse.

He thinks Vince Vaughn did it. You need to tell him now. Could--

couldn't I just leave him a note?

You go in there and tell him now.

V-A-U-G-H-N.

Uh, my guess would be West Hollywood.

(chuckles)

Unlisted.

Like anyone gives a shit. (knock on door)

Well, come in!

I'm very sorry about what happened to your car.

You know, I-- I get into a lot of accidents.

Like, I don't know why. I just do.

Have five or six a year.

Um...

Or seven.

Sometimes I get in-- it was seven this year.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, let-- let me understand something.

You get in five or six accidents a year,

and-- and your car is a...

Um... it's a Jetta.

I'm-- I'm sorry, what?

It's an '85 Jetta. It's an '85 Jetta.

And you are asking me to equate that

with a $200,000 handcrafted Bentley?

Is that what you're saying?

No, I don't think so. I don't-- I don't understand what you're saying.

Well, I-- I think what I'm trying to say...

Yes?

Please.

...is how great I thought you were

on the "Sha-bahd" Telethon this year.

Oh. Thanks.

Though, it's, uh, Chabad.

Oh, Chabad. Of course. Okay.

It was great. Well, thank you.

You're welcome. Let me tell you something,

no one really knows how hard Chabad is.

I mean 10 minutes of dancing that hora,

you-- that's a fucking marathon.

Oh, I'll bet.

Well, you're in great shape.

That's probably why.

From all that dancing.

Thanks.

Keep it up.

Did you tell him?

Oh! (scoffs) Oh!

Uh, yes. Uh, Vaughn. Vincent Vaughn.

V-A-U-G-H-N.

I don't know, try the fucking Valley!

Larry, you almost ready? Just about.

Good. One more coat of makeup and I'll be, uh,

ready for the winter. Thanks a lot.

That's the good thing about retiring.

You won't have to wear makeup every day.

Well, you know, I enjoy the makeup.

I'm actually wearing a Number 40 Emotional Block right now.

Oh, I already sense the magical chemistry

in this room. Oh, Arthur,

my goodness, you look wonderful.

It's your reflection in my eyes. Oh,

so sweet.

How are you? It's been a long time. Maybe we can

catch up for dinner tonight.

Good idea. I'd love that.

Uh, Artie, this is Maureen.

Maureen, Artie.

Never mind.

Anyway, I'm set to go whenever you are. Good.

We're just about ready. This is what--

this is what I'm like. Sorry if it's disappointing.

(chuckles)

Just have a conversation with me. Just...

keep focused on me

and don't look at the cameras, if you will.

Okay? Okay.

(chuckles) I know you can't stand this,

but I think it's important that people hear from you.

First of all, I gotta say,

this is a cool house.

Very. Thank you.

Thank you. Seems kind of big though for just one person.

You know what, this house was actually in "Architectural Digest,"

and then I think it went to its head.

(both chuckle)

That's so funny. But it's a nice house.

It was designed mostly for interviews like this, so that's great.

It's perfect. Yep.

Let's talk about the show.

I cried.

No, you were funny,

and then you cried. I mean, I was wetting myself.

It's the perfect interview arc.

Really? Yes.

Well, here's how I saw it.

I cried, now I'm fucked.

It was a manly misting. Really?

What about, uh, the part where I grabbed the tissues?

That's what I thought.

Why not just televise my shrink sessions?

Would you be interested in doing that?

You know, fellas,

from the bottom of what's left of my heart...

take care of this.

You got it. Don't worry.

Okay, look, Artie, I can make a call.

But I'll be honest with you, they never edit out the crying.

That's the cum-shot.

I agree. Call her.

What? You're having dinner with her tonight.

It's not a business dinner.

All dinners are business dinners.

Um, that's Larry's.

Well, can I have a plate?

Well, maybe I'll leave the knife out for you.

(clears throat) Hi.

Beverly, could you excuse us for a minute?

Mm-hmm. Excuse me.

Hello, Hank.

Hello.

I really need to talk to you.

Okay.

Um, do you want some-- do you want some food?

No, thank you. I've just been,

um, trying to talk to you about something. All right.

But it's very difficult.

Well, what's so difficult?

The thing that I want to talk to you about.

Oh.

I'm sorry. I-- I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you.

I-I-- I got it. You do?

Oh, yes! I--

I can't believe I d-- I didn't recog-- I'm sorry.

No, I didn't recognize it before now. I know.

You got a crush on me.

(chuckles)

Okay, okay.

Well, now that that hard part's out of the way, um...

want to have dinner with me tonight?

Great.

You're so beautiful.

Thank you.

Say, I almost forgot. I have a small request to ask you.

Yes? Anything. Uh...

I wonder if you could see a way clear to make a--

just a tiny trim in Larry's interview.

A trim? What part?

Oh, nothing significant. Just where he cries.

That is the best part of the interview, Arthur,

where we finally see who Larry really is.

It's the part he hides every single night on the show.

Exactly.

So, why show it?

I mean, it's like revealing where the magic trick works.

It is a fabulous interview.

I-- I'm not gonna cut it.

If you were a producer, would you cut it?

Only if you asked me.

Are you telling me that I have a bottle of champagne

waiting at home for nothing?

Champagne?

Avec moi?

(chuckles, sniffs)

Giorgio. Oh, that was a great interview.

(both laugh)

Beverly?

I-I-- I just want you to know

I really appreciate all your help this week.

You're welcome, Hank. And, um, I--

if it's not too much an imposition, I'd--

I'd really like you to do me a special favor. What is that?

Well, I know you're really uncomfortable

with doing personal errands for me,

but, uh, for this, if you could make an exception, I'd really,

really be grateful.

I-- I'd like you to--

and-and please keep an open mind--

find some dog shit,

take it over to the Fox lot,

and smear it on Vince Vaughn's car.

Hank, have you lost your mind?

Is that a yes?

What do you think?

All right.

I'll do it myself.

Maybe I could talk about that

because the real estate agent, uh--

you know how they're kind of shysters?

You know? Mm-hmm.

I won't say what nationality he was, but--

but he was showing me around at the beginning.

It's really great. You know, he's walked me around.

(mimics Asian accent) "Oh, spacious backyard.

"Lots of room for roominess.

"Black bottom pool for Hollywood showbiz parties.

Movie star like yourself."

(normal voice) And I go, "Yeah, great. Cool."

And then when I finally pay the big bucks and rent it,

he's just whisking me through.

It's all different now.

He's like, "Kitchen, bathroom, let's go."

And I go, "Can I see the backyard?"

He goes, "Fuck that. It's like a spider convention out there." (laughs)

Hey, thought I heard that beautiful laugh.

What's going on? What's so funny?

(chuckles) We're just doing a pre-interview.

Oh, sorry. Go ahead. Don't let me, uh, interrupt.

So what's the biggest difference

between doing "Saturday Night Live"

and, uh, doing a sitcom?

Oh. Well, uh...

it's weird coming from "Saturday Night Live,"

'cause on the sitcom, now I'm the only backstabber in the room.

Oh. (chuckles) I don't really--

Do you want to have dinner tonight at my place?

I mean, I'll cook and, you know, we can watch,

uh, Larry on "Extra." What do you think?

Hm?

Mm-hmm. Great. Great.

That would be-- um, excuse me.

I have to get a drink of water.

Sure. Hey.

Bring your bathing suit.

(chuckles nervously) Uh-huh.

She's-- she's a great girl.

You stay away from her, shorty.

He asked you to come to his house for dinner?

I know! Okay, let me ask you something.

Do you have a crush on this guy?

No! Then why else

aren't you telling him?

All you have to do is tell him you hit his car.

I don't like guys like Hank!

I like sensitive guys, like musicians! Okay. Mary Lou,

he is planning to put dog poop on Vince Vaughn's car.

Or painters! I like painters! Oh, my god.

Ugh! Tell him. Okay? Tell him.

We're back with, uh, Jimmy Belushi.

Jimmy, now this is your...

this is your new CD. Yes.

And it's ca-- My only CD. My first CD.

My new CD. And it's called, uh, "36-22..."

"36." And what--

what-- what kind of music is it?

Uh, it's rhythm and blues.

It's, uh, you know, a little soul, a little swing in it,

but, uh, mainly blues stock, you know?

Uh, "36-22-36."

Look forward to having you on sometime to play and to sing.

We'll do that. I wish we had time tonight,

but of course we've got Ben Folds Five.

They're supposed to be hot.

Well, you want to stay and watch them? I'd love to watch.

Then you can tell them what they're doing wrong and so forth.

I can coach 'em a little bit.

We are so lucky to have my next guests.

They're-- this is their current CD,

uh, called, "Whatever, uh, and Ever, Amen."

And I'm a big fan.

They're gonna sing a new song called

"Theme From Dr. Pyser."

Please welcome Ben Folds Five. (applause)

♪ ♪

I hear your, uh, interview on "Extra" is gonna be on tonight, huh?

Yeah. How'd it go?

Great.

Have you-- have you ever seen Tim Allen on "Extra"?

No. Oh, man.

He blubbered like a fuckin' baby.

I mean, it was the funniest goddamn thing, you know, honestly.

I mean, he's like, bawling and talking about his family,

and he's bawling. Really?

Yeah, then they put the strings on, you know, behind him.

I mean, he made it worse. "Come on, give me a fucking"--

What a pussy. Pussy, man.

Hey, I got a copy of the tape. I'll give it to you.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

I didn't know you cooked, Hank. (man speaks on TV)

Well... fondue.

I mean, any retard can melt cheese.

(hisses) Shit. It's hot.

Aren't you supposed to have stuff to dip in it?

Ahh. No, I don't think so.

Man on TV: ...last night and are now 13-1-1 on the season.

In other action, the Blizzards downed the Rowdies, 3-1,

and the Tornadoes bested the Blizzards, 2-1.

On the courts, Lendl and Becker meet today--

Larry's gonna be on soon.

Here. Oh, no, no, uh, let me help you with that.

See, this is, uh, volume up.

Announcer: This is "Extra."

Now here's Maureen O'Boyle.

Thanks for joining us.

Tonight, the man everyone in Hollywood

has been waiting to hear from.

It's an "Extra" exclusive.

Larry Sanders finally speaks.

Thanks. I think I got it. Okay.

Maureen: Well, first of all, I gotta say this is a cool house.

Very. Big though for just one person.

Larry: This house was actually in "Architectural Digest,"

and then I think it went to its head.

Let's talk about the show.

Okay.

It seems to me that you're passing the baton to Jon Stewart.

Well, I'd like to think of it more as a-- as a torch.

I think it's a little more masculine. Look at this.

We're like a choo-choo here. You know, so I like to think of it that way.

Maureen: But that does seem to be the case. Woo-woo.

Yes, I think he'll do a great job.

He's a wonderful guy, and... (Artie sighs)

Here, drink up. No, no, I-- I don't want--

Let's see what else is on here. Maureen: The show, are you gonna miss it?

What are you doing? ♪ ♪

Oh, look! Hey! Bonefishing on the flats.

That's very exciting.

Oh, come on, I wanna-- (channel changes)

What are you doing? Larry on TV: Probably.

This is good. You know, it's a grind,

you know, night after night. People forget.

Takes a lot of discipline,

dedication, commitment.

I think she's good. I'll miss it.

What about the people?

The people? Like you mean like the audience and so forth?

No, the people you work with.

Like Artie,

and Hank...

You know, Hank...

is like a brother that I sort of never had.

Really.

Uh...

One time, I lost my cat,

and he, uh...

he brought me another cat, and, uh...

(sobs)

(laughs) Oh, god, no.

Honey, honey, look at this. Larry's crying. Look at that.

Like a big baby! (laughs)

Larry, what are you doing? I-- I gotta record this.

I gotta record this. I gotta record this.

And, uh... Artie: She didn't cut it!

...he had this cat and he-- he named it Patches,

but yet, it was, um...

all one color. (chuckles)

So, uh... She wouldn't cut it!

I don't know what that was about. I couldn't get her to cut it.

You know what a slut I am

around Giorgio perfume, and I just...

I just have no will of my own.

Larry on TV: He once gave me painting of a tree that he made,

and, uh... (sniffles)

Oh, Larry. (Larry cries)

Larry.

Larry on TV: I think it was a tree.

I don't know, but I couldn't even ask him, (sobs)

because it would hurt his feelings.

It was a tree.

(Larry sighs)

Larry on TV: My assistant's so loyal. Such a loyal woman who--

Hey, look! That's the same couch

we're sitting on right there!

Shut up.

Hank, you're really upset.

I didn't know you were so sensitive.

(chuckles) All right, all right, all right.

Okay, okay.

Maureen: You're joking sort of,

but I think that underneath there...

you really do hurt.

I hit your car.

Let's talk-- Sometimes I feel violent.

Maureen: Violent? (Larry whispers)

Vince Vaughn.

Did you put shit on my car, Hank?

Get up, Hank! Did you put shit on my car?

Huh? Uh...

Did you put shit on my car, Hank?

Uh, I was just writing you a note.

Can I-- can I read it to you?

Please? "Dear Mr. Vaughn,

I am sorry about the shit I put on your car."

So you did put shit on my car, didn't you, Hank?

Huh? There's more.

Plea-- Can you move?

"Please forgive me. The girl I'm dating is crazy

"and didn't tell me she-- she hit my car,

"so I assumed it was you.

"Women. What are you gonna do?

"By the way, I thought 'Swingers' was a hoot and a half.

Regards, Hank Kingsley."

(chuckles)

You know, I dated a crazy girl one time, too.

When I broke up with her, she kept leaving

dead stuff on my porch for about six months.

Oh, bummer, man. Mainly squirrels.

Squirrels? Oh, bitches. Yeah.

I know.

Hey, good morning, Larry. Hey, man, look, I just wanted Morning.

to say that I saw the interview that you did last night Yeah.

and it was really touching.

Appreciate it. And I just wanted to say thanks.

Thank you. Larry, that was so sweet last night!

Thanks. Larry, I just--

Thanks.

(exhales) You know what, buddy?

They feel closer to you.

I-- I can't live like this.

(theme music playing)