Original subtitles

(all laughing) Hey, is Larry in?

No.

Good morning.

Hi, Phil. You're here awfully early.

If you're gonna quit, you better do it early in the day.

What? Wait a minute.

You're quitting?

Yeah, I got an opportunity

and I'm gonna take advantage of it.

What opportunity?

Well, as you know, the network have always been

big fans of mine,

and for the past few months,

I've been developing a new sitcom for them.

What's it about?

Uh, it's funny.

But it's not like a regular "ha ha" sitcom.

There's no laugh track, there's no audience,

it's single camera, very stylized.

It's about a bunch of guys in a ska band in Seattle.

Very dark.

Dark like "Friends"?

I just want to know what you're gonna tell Larry.

I'm gonna tell him the truth.

I'm not feeling well.

I have mental problems

and my doctor has advised me

that this is not a very healthy working environment.

Mm. It's too much pressure

coming up up with new material every day.

And not being appreciated.

It just-- it just all takes a toll.

Artie: You hear that sound, Phil?

I believe that's the needle breaking

in the bullshit-o-meter.

Can I talk to Larry, please?

No. You want to talk about your frigging health,

go to an HMO and don't waste Larry's time.

Did you say "frigging"?

I'm trying to cut down on my cuss words.

Mother call? Yeah.

Yeah. She says hello.

Oh, tell her I said hi.

She really loves you.

Larry, um, I appreciate

everything that you've done for me

and I hate doing this to you on such sort notice, but--

It's time to run along, Phil.

I wish that I could run along, Arthur,

but I have a very serious health problem.

Yes, and you're about to come down

with a very serious case of "my shoe in your rectum-itis."

I-- I would never, ever do this to you, but, uh...

well, it's out of my hands.

Yeah. Oh, it takes its toll.

But Phil-- Bye-bye.

Please, and-- and keep in touch. Really.

Thanks for everything.

Well, no, thank you. Yeah, let's go.

The slut sold a sitcom to the network.

Yeah, I know, and then he sits there and lies to me

and I'm not even married to him.

What's this for? Huh? It's a gift.

My birthday's not for a couple of months.

I know. I-- I just--

I was in Beverly Hills and I saw this.

It's just an appreciation. It's a pen.

Yeah, I see that.

No two are the same.

It's hand-crafted by a team of artisans,

like Cher's ass.

Wow, it's a Phantas. Uh-huh.

Gee.

Well, sir, I really appreciate it.

I'll see you on the stage.

Okay.

Anything wrong? Huh?

It's just that, you know, it's a Phantas.

I just thought you'd like it a little more.

I do, but, you know, Larry, how...

emotions embarrass you.

And I got them all bottled up, but inside, sweetheart,

it's all tears, cartwheels, and a hard-on.

That's all I wanted to know.

They offer you anything? You want some water?

Uh, no, I'm-- I'm fine. Oh.

Yeah. Thanks. Okay.

Okay. Well, Phil...

I don't want you to get a big head,

but this is the best pilot I've ever read.

Really?

Yes.

Nobody ever believes me when I tell them that.

But really, you've created some wonderful characters.

I mean, the writing just sparkles.

Y-- you-- (sighs)

don't know how refreshing it is

to be able to write in your own voice

and to have people get it.

And we totally get it, totally get it. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And I can't tell you how great that is.

We have a few things we want to run by you. Just some ideas.

Okay, sure. Yeah, please.

How would you feel if...

one of the characters was black?

Uh... Puts a little twist on it, doesn't it?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Shoot. Yeah.

Um, uh...

You know, I didn't really envision

any of these guys as-- as being black. Mm-hmm.

But they have a band, right?

Yeah. So there's a drummer?

Yeah.

There you go.

We have a deal with, uh, Dave Chappelle. Mm-hmm.

Are you familiar with him?

Yeah, he was, uh, in "The Nutty Professor," right?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, wasn't he funny?

Oh, he's hilarious. Hilarious. He's a huge fan of yours.

We sent him the script. He flipped. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

He flipped. Really?

Yeah, loved it, loved it.

We think he'd be a great Keyshon. Yeah. Mm.

Who-- who's Keyshon?

The drummer.

No, the drummer's name is Ted.

Well, we got it in our head now that he's black,

so we started calling him Keyshon.

Keyshon. Yeah.

Really?

Uh-huh.

Uh...

You know, um...

Interesting.

Uh... Mm. (chuckles)

(chuckles) Uh, but I'd-- I'd really like to, uh, think about this.

Oh, yes, absolutely, absolutely. Oh, yeah.

In the meantime, we should set up a meeting between you and Dave.

Yeah. Yeah, you two are really gonna hit it off.

He's so funny. Oh, and smart.

Yeah. Smart and funny, yeah. He's great.

So I'll lead you into the, uh, I'll lead you into the lap dance thing.

Right. I'll thank you for the treat

and you ask me, "How did it go?"

And I'll say, "I think I blew it

"because as she pointed to the chair,

I said, 'Thank you, I've been sitting all day,'"

and I think there's a laugh there. Okay. No, that's funny.

Yeah. And if there isn't a laugh there, you just keep going.

Okay. I'm just glad you're doing the show.

Hey, this is such a thrill for me. I really am... Good, good.

No, no, I can-- This is me thrilled.

I know, I know. You know?

Do you-- When are you gonna do our show? Because...

Oh, that's animated right?

I've never... Well, it's-- it's a cartoon and-- and uh--

Yeah, I can't.

Well, here's the thing is we just need your voice.

You know, you could literally phone it in.

Right. And then you animate it later? That's the beauty--

And then we would do the drawing and it'll look-- I wish I could. Artie?

Yeah, it would look-- Artie: Yes?

Dr. Jonathan Katz, sir. Oh, good to see you, Artie.

There are many "Johnny Come Latelys" in the world, Arthur, this is--

but you, sir, are "Johnny Come Here Anytime You Like."

Thank you so much, even if-- even if you mean it. I mean it.

That's such a sweet thing to say. I do.

But-- And congratulations to you on the, uh, on the Phantas.

Larry told me he got you a-- a Phantas,

which is a collector's item.

I have been on standby for my own Phantas

for five and a half years now.

Prepare to be dazzled. And, uh--

(laughs) Oh, that dry Katz wit. Yes. You're a--

It makes me thirsty for more. you're a member of an exclusive...

I'll be right back. club.

Y'all know how many pilots I've done, man.

I'm tired of that "dubba" WB shit.

I want to do something real.

Well, that's what we want.

I'm always telling the writers "realer."

Yeah. Yeah.

So, um, did you like the stuff that I did?

Yeah, man. I flipped through it on the way over.

You just read it?

There's some real funny shit in there, man.

I-- I read most of it. Uh-huh.

I didn't read the whole thing but, um...

you know-- you know, just the whole band thing...

Mm-hmm? I don't know if black people can relate to that.

I mean, who the fuck am I, Hootie?

One brother around a bunch of, you know, white dudes and then...

I-- I-- I-- I don't know what you're talking about.

Well, you know, I mean, the setting. It's just the--

the whole Seattle thing.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't think that--

I don't think I've ever met a brother from Seattle in my life.

Man, this-- I don't know if that's the place

where we would really... really live.

Executives: Hm. Mm-hmm. But then again they did make "Sleepless in Seattle."

Maybe that's why they're sleepless.

(laughter)

Dave: I'm a DJ. Woman: Mm-hmm.

Some shit black people can relate to is DJ. Yeah.

Man: Mm-hmm. Absolutely.

All right? Just hear me out.

I work at a club in Baltimore. Right.

Every week, a patron is murdered.

I gotta solve it.

Kind of like a hip-hop

crime solving type thing. Mm-hmm.

And maybe I'm, like, fucking a bartender or a waitress.

We can do something like-- but tastefully. Tastefully. Mm.

Yeah, I love the energy of that.

You know what I mean? It's fun. I do.

It's like fun and it's-- and you can address issues and the whole thing.

That's why Dave is Dave.

Hey, thanks.

Listen. Listen, I gotta-- I gotta... I gotta put my foot down.

Um, this show is about a band from Seattle.

That's-- that's the problem.

Well, you know, we have a process here, Phil,

and, uh, in order for that process to work,

we really can't be married to anything.

Except the DJ thing. Well, that's gold.

Yeah. I can roll with that.

I mean, you know, I-- I don't want to step on your toes, Phil.

Uh-- (scoffs)

You are the veteran.

That's okay, you know?

All right? Yeah, man. I don't know

if you need to ask me any questions about black people

and how we live. Mm-hmm.

Or I'm sure you've got like one or two--

Well, fuck, just call me and ask me some questions and, um... I've got your number.

Okay. Um, I gotta go to Jerry Bruckheimer's.

I'm sorry. Oh, thanks again for coming in.

All right, thanks. Pleasure.

Hey, pleasure.

Phil, you cool with that or?

Yeah? Oh, hey, man. Yeah, thanks. All right. Cool.

You're funny, man. I really-- I really liked the script. Good to see you.

The shit I read, it was good. Thanks.

I mean, the band was-- But the jokes.

Thanks. (laughs)

He's great, isn't he?

Is this it? What? You go it?

I don't know, I think so.

Oh, man, this is a Bic.

I'm talking about a rare, black pen.

It's got gold filigree and hand-crafted dragons

with little red eyes.

Oh, you mean a Phantas.

Yeah. Shh. Don't even say it.

Come on, let's lift this. Wow!

I can't believe you lost something like that.

Those things are works of art.

Most people just mount them on a wall.

Well, I was writing with it.

I put it somewhere, excuse me.

Oh, what's this?

Remind me to have Liza back on the show.

Wow. Okay.

Those things only increase in value, you know.

Don't. Get the bookcase.

Oh. Oh!

I was up in the bleachers with Kayo.

I was setting the lights.

I-- I'm gonna go there right now.

Uh, you-- you check the writers' room and Hank's room.

I really appreciate it, sonny boy. Thank you.

When I need another pair of eyes,

you're the only one I can trust.

I hear, uh, Larry gave you a--

a gift or-- or some such thing.

Where'd you hear that? Oh, you know, people talk.

The thing is, Artie, um...

Larry didn't give me anything

and it's-- it's really, sort of, driving me crazy, you know.

Are you gonna look or what?

Not that I'm worried that, uh, Larry likes you

more than he likes me, because, you know, fuck it.

You know, we both know he does.

I-- I just want to know what he gave you

and it-- it'll be okay.

Then I can start the healing process.

Jesus, Hank. He just gave me a travel clock.

A little piece of shit travel clock.

You happy now?

Mm.

(chuckles) He's such a cheap fucker.

What I have to tell you is of the utmost confidence.

I don't want anyone to know about it.

And Larry must never know about it.

Okay. Okay.

Uh, w-- what's this about?

You know, that pen, where'd you get it?

Uh, in the supply closet.

Are we not supposed to do that anymore?

No, I-- I mean the pen you bought me for Larry.

Larry gave you a pen?

You don't know about it?

No.

You mean he got it himself?

He went down, he got in his own car,

he drove there, he parked it,

he got out, he walked to the door,

and he pulled out his own personal credit card?

He bought me a present?

That's the first time in nine years.

(chuckles)

I don't believe it.

Me neither.

He said he bought it because he...

Excuse me.

He appreciated me.

(groans)

What a gracious person he is.

I'm a dumb bastard. I lost it.

Oh, you lost it?

You gotta find me that same pen, see,

so I can replace it.

And he must never know about it, okay?

It's a P-H-A-N-T-A-S. That's P-H-A-N-T-A-S.

Phantas. Uh-huh.

It's black, top of the line,

gold filigree, dragons with red eyes.

Got that?

Okay. I know I can count on you.

Okay.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Okay, it's all right. It's all right.

Okay. I'm gonna get it.

Don't tell a soul. All right.

Thank you, buddy.

(cries softly)

You bought me a pen and I lost it! God!

Well, maybe some no-talent honky

ain't never been to Baltimore,

'cause the shit can work, man.

I have been to Baltimore.

Woman: Phil, please.

You watch one episode of "Roots,"

and all of a sudden you understand me?

First I'm Hootie,

and now I'm fucking Kunta Kinte the DJ!

So you know the fuck all. You know all about niggers.

Why don't you stick your hand up my ass, Phil, and work my mouth?

'Cause you know the fuck I'm all about?

Did you-- did you--

No, I don't know who wrote this.

This is shit. No, um...

This is-- it's just shit. That's the truth. Just shit.

We've had a lot of trouble in the writing department lately,

so let's just not do this.

And you know what?

We'll just do the, uh, panel.

You don't want to do this. Who cares? You know--

You're Bridget Fonda.

Let me tell you something.

Your dad sees you doing this,

I don't want to be around when he does the show next.

So, we'll do the panel. I'll ask you some questions,

we'll go over some areas, and I'll see you out there.

It'll be great. I-- I'm just--

Um, okay. Is there something that I can--

is there something that we can do that--

where I'm not just out there being--

I'm just worried that I'm-- I'm gonna be...

It's just a talk show.

You just go out, I'll ask you some questions,

you just answer. It's gonna be great.

I don't know what you're so frightened about, really.

(muttering) I'm gonna swear or something.

You're not gonna swear.

You don't trust yourself not to swear?

What are you gonna say?

I don't know.

(muttering)

"Cocksucker." I don't know.

"Motherfucker"? I don't know. All right. Listen--

Something. I mean, I-- I just don't-- I-- You know.

Is the whole family like this?

I-- I know it doesn't work!

I told you at the meeting it's not gonna work!

Fuck is he writing a black show anyway, man?

I don't know. I don't-- never wanted to write a black show

and I don't even know why I'm writing a black show.

I wish somebody could fucking tell me why

I am writing a black show!

I wish someone would fucking tell me why

you're writing a black show!

He wrote a terrific first draft.

Hey, well, the second draft fucking sucks.

All right? Give me Warren Hutcherson.

I need somebody else. Phil, Phil...

would you give us a minute?

Yeah, Phil, just give us a minute. All right?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Good. Thanks.

Yeah, I'll give you a minute. Thank you. Hey, thanks.

Okay. Sure. And no hard-- no hard feelings.

Oh, no. No. Yeah, okay.

There's a lot of passion in here, all right? Yeah, oh, yeah.

You care about what you do, I care about what I do.

Yeah. All right. Okay.

Thanks. Yeah.

(sighs)

Get this guy the fuck out of here.

I'm sorry. I am sorry. I am... I'm serious, man.

(scribbling)

Hank: Brian?

Man: He's not out here.

Who are you?

Sid.

Hey, uh, Sid?

Can I borrow your pen? Yeah.

You gonna open the door?

Slide it under, asshole.

Nice going, dip-shit.

Give me my pen back, schmuck!

Oh...

I don't need it.

Found one.

I don't even know what a Flowbee is.

That's the vacuum that cuts your hair.

(chuckles)

Oh, it's gonna be a good one tonight, huh?

Why? You're-- Are you not doing the show tonight?

(chuckles)

By the way, I already have a travel clock.

That's all I'm gonna say.

May-- may I say something?

Yeah. Don't touch my ass.

Now-- now I have to do my makeup all over again.

(inhales, exhales deeply)

He's got a very firm ass.

I want my pen back, Hank.

I told you I don't have your pen.

Take your dick out of your ear,

you little troll! You owe me a pen, jerk-off!

You want a pen? Here. Here. H-- here's a pen.

Go write yourself a little suicide note.

It's a Phantas.

Blow me.

Oh-ho-ho! Geez.

My next guest is a, uh, member of

one of Hollywood's royal families.

She's currently-- uh, can be seen in Quentin Tarantino's

new movie called, uh, "Jackie Brown."

Please welcome Bridget Fonda!

Bridget Fonda!

(applause)

(indistinct)

Hey, there's Hank,

and, uh, we are so happy.

Uh, Hank and I have been, uh, looking forward

to, uh, uh, meeting you.

Uh, I'll ask you...

Thank god.

Do you know how much this pen costs?

I'm so relieved.

I don't care whether it costs 10 thou'.

Okay.

"Okay" what?

It cost $10,000.

I had to max out my Visa. It's just a fucking pen.

What's it filled with, dinosaur sperm?

I guess so.

All I know is that's the only other one in the city.

Larry: And what do you play in it?

Bridget: Um, I-- I play a conniving...

That means that Larry spent ten thou' on me.

Apparently so.

And now you're spending it on you.

Well, I gotta get him something in return.

Would you please run down to Galerie Michael on Rodeo

and get him that Chagall lithograph

he's always looking at? Yeah.

They'll know the one. Tell them to bill me. Okay.

(indistinct chatter)

(laughter)

Hank has asked me if you would autograph this for him.

Would you mind doing that?

It would-- it would mean a lot.

Where do you want me to... It's just...

Where does he want you to autograph it? Where do you want me to sign it?

Uh, I guess on his lap.

(laughter and applause)

Why don't you...

why don't you just use this and just--

I know this is not exactly the correct--

I wish we had a better-- Nice and permanent.

I wish we had a better pen, but try.

See if that'll work somewhere.

You just can't see it. You can't quite see it.

Yes, you can. Yes. That-- that's great.

Thank you very much. It means a lot. Here you go.

Where will you be putting that, if I may ask?

In my office.

Do you know what he means by his office?

No...

The van.

(laughter and applause)

I thought she was very sexy, if you ask me. Oh, very!

Delightful, the two of you.

May I talk to you two for a second?

Hey, how's the ol' noodle, sweetie?

Still giving you the misery?

Well, uh, actually, my doctor says

that I'm feeling so much better now.

Oh, our prayers have been answered.

Christ is king.

Yeah, in fact, um, I'm feeling so good,

that, uh, I'm ready to come back to work.

If you want to come back, I'm fine with that.

It's just that you have to just tell me the truth

that you went away to write a pilot

and now you're coming back 'cause it didn't get picked up,

and I'll be fine with everything, really.

Larry's uncomfortable with you not being honest with him.

I swear on my mother's life that I was just sick.

Mm?

Works for me.

You okay with it? That's okay by me.

Good.

So, why don't you get started on tomorrow night's monologue?

Right on.

Good. And you gotta get out a sketch

for tomorrow night's guest,

the sensational Dave Chappelle.

Poor guy just had the shit kicked out of him.

Yeah, no, that was good. You did good there.

It's better for us anyway.

Yeah. Beverly: Artie?

(chuckles) What is that?

Oh, it's just a little something of appreciation

for all you've done for me.

Oh, my goodness. 'Cause I love you, buddy.

A Chagall.

Oh, you shouldn't have spent this kind of money, Artie.

My gosh.

Oh, please, from the guy who gives out $10,000 pens?

Who does that?

You're the guy who gave me this.

What is that?

That's the pen you gave me, oh generous one. No.

No, it isn't. Yeah.

No, no, no, that's a PH-1000.

That's the top of the line. Right.

I gave you the, uh, one that costs 500.

$500, American? Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm gonna, um, be in my...

Wait a minute. Not yet.

Okay. I'm a little confused.

Uh...

Larry, I lost the pen you gave me.

And I went out and bought this one to replace it

because I just, the gift you got me,

you went out and bought it for me yourself.

I'm touched that you went to that trouble.

But I'm sorry you're out... $10,000?

(chuckles)

Oh, what the hell, what's 10 thou'?

10 thou'.

What a great story this is gonna make at the Friars Club!

It is kind of. (both laugh)

But this, this is--

this is so over the top, Artie,

this Chagall.

Well, what's another 10 grand?

This is the one that you always looked at, isn't it?

N-- no.

Didn't you say the one on the left?

His left.

Well-- well, I-- I thought you meant the one on the left

when you walk in the store.

How much is this one?

Uh, 19,000.

Eee...

But you like the other one much better, don't you?

No, I love this one.

(chuckles)

What the fuck.

It'll be a $29,000 story!

(theme music playing)