Original subtitles

Larry: And, uh, before we leave tonight,

I do want to make an announcement

to those of you watching at home.

As you may have heard,

my contract is up in, uh... eight weeks,

and, uh... I want you to know first

that when my contract is up,

I... will not be coming back.

(audience groans)

Uh, it's... really time to move on.

I... appreciate you being there, uh, for me night after night,

and... I will see you, uh... tomorrow night.

No flipping.

(applause)

(knocking)

Hank?

Oh, God. Go away.

This again?

Hank, I'm taking this tape away from you.

No, no.

Yes, Hank, this is ridiculous.

What is that?

This...

This is...

banana liqueur.

I needed a drink a couple hours ago.

This is the only thing I could find.

My breath smells like a monkey's asshole.

Give it here. Give it-- Give-- Give me that.

Did you spend the whole night here?

You know, I did.

You know, Brian, this has been my creative home...

for many years.

And I've never really looked around.

I mean, I've never... looked around closely.

Do you know...

Hey... There's a fire extinguisher there.

Mm-hm.

It adds a simple elegance,

and yet, it has strength.

Oh, yeah, that one.

Yep, that's a real beauty.

Hmm? Mm.

I can't believe it's over. I know.

See, I thought when Larry...

announced his retirement from the show,

I would wake up,

because I had that nightmare almost every night.

Please wake me up!

I can't.

Pinch me.

There we go.

Hard.

Hard.

Hard!

Now, let's talk about, um...

I saw Jim, Jim Gray at the Super Bowl.

Jim: Yeah.

And, uh, Hank, did you watch the Super Bowl?

Hank! Did you... I say, did you watch the Super Bowl?

It was good.

So, do you, um...

What is that red thing on the side of your face?

You have a red thing on the side of your face there.

Um, I have an allergy.

So, let me ask you this...

Uh, I saw you, actually, at the Super Bowl

interviewing John Elway at the very end.

Jim: Right.

And, uh, you asked him, right there,

in front of millions of people,

I think the ratings were even higher for the Super Bowl

than they were for the "Third Rock" episode.

A very special "Third Rock."

Bob: Very special.

Larry: And it was a special "Jay," it was a special night.

Bob was on "Jay."

Larry: You were on "Jay"?

Jim: Bob was.

When was that?

After the game. After the Super Bowl.

Larry: Oh, I didn't know you were on that.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Big segment.

Right in between Richard Simmons and Jenny McCarthy.

What about on camera?

Boy, that sounds great, Jake, I wanna go for it.

How many acres?

Yeah, well, just so it's got

that spring creek, right?

The one where I caught that seven-pound brown?

Bob: Tastefully done.

Well, that's the key to everything

you guys do in the booth. Mm-hm.

Why don't we take a break?

We'll be right back.

No flipping.

(cheers and applause)

Hank? I want to talk to you.

Great, guys, terrific.

What is the matter with you?

You're stepping all over my lines.

This is supposed to be my segment.

Notice where we're sitting?

And you're like rambling like a madman.

You know, Bob, it's always about you, isn't it?

No. You missed the point entirely. Yes, it is, always.

No, no, it's not.

We're doing another segment, aren't we, Larry? Hmm?

We're doing another segment, right?

'Cause I have a great Marvin Barnes story

I haven't gotten in yet. Yeah, I got that.

Oh, that's a good story, 1975.

Everyone knows you're the reason we lost football.

We still got six weeks to go, Hank.

And despite what you think,

we're not paying you to sit on that couch in a stupor.

We're tryin' to finish the show strong for Larry,

but you're lettin' him down.

Well, he let me down, so I guess we're even.

Why, you arrogant asshole.

You wanna sit there and stare like a moron

and breathe through your mouth,

you go sit in Jenny Jones' audience!

You shape up, you hear me?

Oh, who cares, in six weeks we're gonna be--

Who cares? I care!

You think you're gonna jump off the sinking ship?

Is that what you think?

Well, I got news for you, ratboy.

You better climb back on board and towel off,

because we're gonna finish this show in a blaze of glory.

Well, what if I don't-- what if I don't feel like it?

You don't feel like it?

Why, you ungrateful piece of shit.

I ought to whack you right now.

Um, I heard that Pam was leaving?

Boy, the grapevine's hummin'.

Yeah, she is leaving. Well, then, um,

you'll be looking for a new assistant, then?

Yeah, I'm starting to look already.

Oh, um, what kinds of things are you looking for?

Someone who can reach the top shelf!

That's brilliant.

Jesus Christ!

The body's not even dead yet,

you're already makin' your move, aren't you?

Just like when you hit on Michael Landon's wife.

He was dead.

The woman was sitting shiva.

I-- I was consoling her.

You put your tongue in her mouth.

I-- I lost my balance.

I was falling over and I stuck my tongue out

to break my fall.

Why doesn't anybody understand this?

Sit down! Shh!

We're back.

(applause)

We're back with, uh, Bob Costas and Jim Gray.

And, uh, Bob, I was just gonna ask you about Marvin Barnes.

Do you have any stories about him? Did you know him?

There's too many, but here's one of my favorites.

You know, Marvin was kind of a flamboyant,

'70s-style athlete,

the "Superfly" hat and shoes,

and the way he carried himself, the floor-length...

Yeah.

Well, like I said, I want to go for it, but...

Well, just give me a call

before you take any other bids, will ya?

I appreciate it.

I'll be in touch, thank you.

I want to thank my guests Bob Costas and Jim Gray,

and, of course, great to see Neil Sedaka back in form,

and we'll catch you all tomorrow night.

Sleep well.

(applause)

Man: Clear!

I thought that was a great one.

Pure comedy gold,

melt it, mint it and ship it to Fort Knox.

Hey, listen, I'm having lunch tomorrow with Jim Gray

over at Dan Tana's, do you wanna go?

What about Costas? Costas?

Pussy-whipped, flying right back to St. Louis.

Well, I must decline, dear boy.

I'll be downing scotch and steaks

with great Fred DeCordova.

Well, good, great.

It's nothing.

Fred's an old drinking compadre of mine.

Yeah.

Oh, we'd like you to join us, but...

you got plans, right?

Yeah, I'm going with Jim Gray,

but give him my love.

I'll give him your love.

Good. It's nothing.

My advice is to take any job you can get.

Well, Fred, I'm not exactly being put out to pasture,

you know, I'm getting plenty of calls.

Like who?

Roseanne for one.

Very talented.

Donny and Marie.

Also very talented.

And the illustrious Magic Johnson.

Very talented... basketball player.

Bob Costas would be a great boss.

Yeah, but that's... only if Larry

doesn't want me back.

You know, I-- I don't know what he's gonna be doing

after the show, right?

Beverly, it's fine.

Yeah, well, I don't want anybody thinking,

I'm going behind Larry's back or anything.

Nobody thinks that.

By the way, I think I got the Leno gig.

Really, when did you meet with him?

Yesterday, when I said I was gonna go to the doctor.

Mmm.

Hank: Morning.

Hey.

Morning, Hank. You feelin' better?

I'm feeling... better. Yeah. Good.

I went, uh... I went home last night,

and, uh, I was on my way to the kitchen for a stiff one...

Your boyfriend was over?

Ignoring that. ...and I saw myself,

I mean I saw my face reflected in the, uh, in the cook top.

And I said... "Lemons."

Lemons. When life gives you lemons,

you make things with lemons.

And then I realized finally,

finally, this is an opportunity.

I can go back to my acting career.

Thank you.

Isn't that great?

Yeah, that's great.

Hank, I wasn't aware

that you ever had an acting career.

Oh-- oh, yeah, Hank used to do

uh... shows on cruise ships all the time.

Oh, yeah, that's right, I almost forgot.

Little, little playlets, really.

Then I did that production of, um, "Love Letters"

with Ruth Buzzi out in Thousand Oaks.

Oh, man... now there-- there was a pistol.

What a piece of work she was.

She stepped on every one of my fucking lines.

(laughs) I know, I saw that production.

And you said you enjoyed it, right?

Yeah, that's what I said.

And I did a little television acting,

you know, a zillion years ago, but it's a good credit.

What shows were you on?

Well, just one but, uh,

it was an episode of "Kung Fu."

No, you did not!

I did, I played a merchant,

and I-- I can, uh, I can still remember my line.

"Move along, Chinaman."

(laughter)

Yeah, I know, "Move along, Chinaman."

You see, the deal was, he's standing in front of my, um... my store.

And I say-- I say my line and he kicked my ass.

He was a nice guy.

He was one of the Carradine, um, brothers.

Man, that's wild, Hank.

I, uh, I hate to be the one to rain on your parade,

but doing a play with Ruth Buzzi

and saying "Move along, Chinaman"

do not an acting career make.

So, um, let me get this straight,

you don't think, uh...

you don't think I'll have any luck at this?

I don't think so.

Yeah? Well, Mr. Smug, you are wrong,

because I called my agent first thing this morning,

and he has already got me an acting gig.

Well, there's no shame in doing porno.

On a little hit show called "Caroline in the City."

Well, congratulations, Hank. That's great.

Thank you. Brian: Cool.

It's like the condom episode.

Nothing is like the condom episode.

It is so.

Lea! Hi. Hank Kingsley. Oh, Hank. Hank, hi.

I'm sorry I'm late, I was--

I was at the craft service table.

Um, uh, this is Fred Barron, our executive producer.

Hi. Real pleasure to meet you. Very nice meeting you.

Oh, same here, same here.

Why don't we just run one now?

Let's do it. Okay. Great.

Welcome.

This is my loft here, this is the door.

This is where you enter. Out here?

Yes. All right.

Yeah.

(Lea laughs)

Page, please?

Uh, it's, uh, page 12.

I got it, I got it.

Okay.

(coughs, snorts)

(whispers) He's gotta knock.

Kno-- Could you knock first?

Oh, I got you.

(knocking)

Hi.

Hey now, I'm the plumber.

You called about a leak?

Uh, you're not Antonio. What happened to Antonio?

He went back to Milan to claim his inheritance.

Hey now.

Oh. Uh, well gosh, he was rich, too?

So, are-- are you gonna snake my drain?

Hey now,

we barely know each other.

Um... uh... you know...

I-- I don't think there's any "hey nows" in there.

Um... did you say "hey now" a couple times?

Yeah, I did.

It's... (laughs)

You know, I just-- I gotta to talk to Fred, for...

This "snake your drain" line at the... Mm-hmm.

(whispering) Fred, what is this fucking stunt casting?

He cannot act.

I know, don't worry, don't worry.

Just tell him not to say "hey now."

We'll try it again.

It's really good.

Oh, thanks.

How about this time, just one time,

without the "hey now."

I'm sorry. What?

Just one time without the "hey now" this time,

but it's really good. Without the "hey now"?

Yeah. Let's just give it a shot. Absolutely.

(Hank coughs)

(knocking)

Hi.

But... I think they're gonna wanna hear the "hey now"

when they-- when they see me.

I mean, I'm just-- I'm just tellin' you.

(coughs)

Why don't we take five, everybody.

Well, how can that be?

Well, I don't get it.

What are you telling me,

there's all this interest and now there's nothing?

No, come on now.

I'll tell you what the problem is.

It's Lea and her little slave master,

Fred Barron, they're bad-mouthing me.

They're going around, they're telling people I can't act.

What do you mean how do I know? I know.

Because they said it to me, okay?

And now I-- I have to sit next to that-- that-- that--

that-- woman... on-- on-- on-- on-- on-- on the show tonight.

Oh, you gotta find me something.

No, no, don't say that.

You gotta get me something,

because I'm telling you, man, this is it.

What are you doing?

You fell? You fell down?

Jesus, Sidney, will you please get up,

and will you help me here?

Fuck!

Oh, well, why don't we come back

and we'll talk about your earrings

when we come back from the commercial break.

Would you like to do that?

Because that's our jewelry segment.

We'll be right back after this commercial break.

(applause)

That was good. Good for you.

It's a good audience.

We just, uh, we just went a different way.

What did you hire, a... a black man?

Well, you said... you went a different way.

I mean, how many different ways are there?

Do I look fat?

No, no, no. You know, you look great.

I like this suit.

Appreciate it, appreciate it.

We were just talking about the fact

that you have been actually hosting "Wheel of Fortune"

for 15 years, is that accurate?

Uh, 15 big years. Yeah.

And Vanna has been there...

(applause)

It was nothing.

Well, it's like popular, is it worldwide?

It's not our-- our show.

We do, it's-- it's-- it's like a franchise,

it's like McDonald's.

We sell-- we sell the franchise,

and they have their own local hosts.

Larry: Oh, I didn't know that.

So there are Pat and Vannas all over the world.

A frightening thought. I never knew that.

I would love to see...

We've shown some of the clips on the show.

It's funny to see.

Oh, I wish you'd brought some.

Well, I-- I do, too.

Next time.

So are you doing anything new now besides that?

Yeah, we're sort of expanding our horizons a little bit.

And I started a little production company

where we develop shows, as you know.

And you... you try your best at them.

But we have a game show that we're actually real proud of,

that I think is gonna see the light of day.

So you're getting behind-- Or would you host this as well?

No. I don't think I would host it.

I'm very busy with "Wheel," but it's a great show.

We're interviewing hosts.

We're looking for someone to do the show, and, uh...

(Hank coughing loudly) Well, good--

(coughing)

Hank hosted the... has hosted the Chabad Telethon.

Pat: Ah.

Yeah, I hosted the... (coughs) the Chabad television show.

Listen, if you need a little help, I would be...

I think I would be an asset, don't you?

(cheers, applause)

Look, we're open to it.

We're talking to people tomorrow.

Tomorrow afternoon, I can squeeze you in.

Well, I'd have to move some things around.

(laughing)

By things... By things, he means crying, by the way.

If you need me, I could do something.

Absolutely. I think he'd be terrific, don't you?

(applause) Yeah. Why don't we...

For those of you who are watching tonight,

the unemployment line starts right to the right of Pat.

We'll be right back. No flipping.

(cheers and applause)

(over phone) Hey, Artie. It's Donny Osmond calling.

I'm sitting here with my sister Marie, and we want you to know

that we really want you to produce our show.

(laughing) I'm considering carefully your tempting offer.

I tell you, Artie, we're gonna have

so much more fun over at our show.

Hold on. Marie, I'm trying to talk to him, just for one second.

So anyw-- Marie, be quiet. Shut up, will ya!

I'm trying to talk to him!

That's the daytime spirit.

I'm glad you came. Now, here's the podium.

And, uh, now, these two are gonna act as our contestants.

Hi, Hank Kingsley.

Jeff Kirschbaum. Hi.

And that's Debbie.

Hi, Debbie. Hank Kingsley.

Now, Hank, the thing to keep in mind is this is a game...

Oh! Bob Eubanks, Wink Martindale...

This a game. You just have fun here, okay?

Okay. Great.

Let's get right into it.

All right. You ready to go? Mm-hmm. Anytime.

Oh, we're taping this? Absolutely.

Great, great. Okay, you guys ready?

Okay! Let's start the game.

Okay, players, our first category is

"The state of liberty."

Uh, Hank? Merv?

Pat. And, Hank, it's "statue," Statue of Liberty.

Right. Right, okay. Statue of Liberty.

Um... "Name the poem--" This is for $50.

"Name the poem by Emma Lazarus that is engraved on a tablet

within the pedestal on which the Statue of Liberty stands."

(buzzes)

(buzzes) It's a... We don't have real buzzers.

It's (buzzes)... Hank: Of course, the buzzer.

Okay, okay, good. It's our fault.

I got it. I got it. Oh, Jim! Jeff.

What?

Jeff, my name's Jeff. You called me Jim.

I call... I'm sorry. Um, uh, you're right.

Who is this fucking guy?

Uh... he's one of the producers of the show.

Right. Good to meet you. Hey.

Jeff Kirschbaum. Hank: Yeah, you're great.

Thanks. You're a good man.

You don't let anything get by. And the earring is...

Just-- just... keep it moving, if you would.

Okay. Um, um, um, um.

You ready to go? And here we go.

Uh... You got it, Jim? Jeff.

Jeff. Fuck me, sorry.

It's all right.

All right, do you got it?

Uh, yeah, it's, uh, "Colossus."

No. Uh, you're wrong. Uh, you're very wrong.

The correct title is "The New Colossus,"

so I guess you should worry less about, uh, your name

and a little more about these, uh, these questions.

Hank: We'll go on to the next question for 100!

This is for 100!

"The final rivet of the statue

"was driven on October 28, 1886,

the same day the statue was dedicated by this president."

You wanna take a guess?

Hank: No guess from you, Jeff.

No.

Hank: Debbie, you got it?

Come on, Debbie. Come on, honey.

You got it? You got anything?

Okay, well, not to worry, Debbie,

with a body like yours, you don't have to be smart.

Well, you know, I really--

I think we have everything, I like it.

It's terrific, we got all we need.

I hope I didn't offend.

So... So what happened, again?

I don't know. I mean, everything's going great,

and then... this Debbie woman goes off on me.

Sexual harassment this and sexual harassment that.

That's not a good sign. No shit.

I... What is going on in the world today?

I mean, I... I paid a compliment to her on her body.

I mean, is that a crime?

I mean, I'm being kind, I'm just being generous.

Because, in fact, her tits aren't that great.

I mean, they're-- they're too big for her body.

I have nothing.

You have a lot of things, okay?

Yeah, you do. You have a...

first of all, a huge talent,

and a fantastic voice,

and a lot of fans out there who love you, Hank Kingsley.

Yeah.

You got charm, and you got personality.

Your future's out there.

All you have to do is reach out,

grab on and hang on for the ride.

I'm this close to hitting you.

Hey! Andy!

Hey, Hank, how are you?

It's great to... great to have you here tonight.

Well, thank you. You okay?

Uh... yeah, I'm fine.

It's just, uh... uh...

Where the hell have you been?

I built a theater in Branson, Missouri.

Oh, sure, that's down near San Diego.

No, Missouri.

Branson?

Well, you must have heard about it.

I mean, my friends in Hollywood told me I was crazy.

You know, they said, "Who has ever heard of Branson, Missouri?"

Well, somebody must have heard about it

because we did over, uh, six million tourists last year.

It's packed every night.

It's packed every night?

Two shows a day, packed every show.

Wow. And, uh, uh... who performs there?

I do.

You do?

Two shows a day, packed every day.

And the money? How's the money, is it good?

The money's terrific.

We did a little over two million dollars

the month of November.

It was packed? Packed every night.

Two million fuckin' dollars. (laughs)

Hank: Good for you.

Why not?

Showtime? Hey.

Hey! Hey.

Jefe, that new suit takes off 10 years,

and the tie another five.

Appreciate it.

That puts me right in the middle of my second marriage.

(laughing) Hey, I just bought a ranch.

Hey, congratulations.

Little town. Good for you.

And I'm producing Roseanne's new show.

Branson, Missouri, remember that, my friends,

because that's where you're gonna find me.

I'm going to Branson.

I'm opening up the Hank Kingsley "Hey Now" Music Hall.

Or the "Hey Now" Opry.

I'm still fucking around with that name.

What about, uh, "Big Jew Jamboree"?

(laughing)

Pat Sajak.

I just got a job working for Pat Sajak.

You can come visit us.

Oh, yeah.

(theme music playing)