All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S06E03_English

Larry:
And, uh, before
we leave tonight,

I do want to make
an announcement

to those of you
watching at home.

As you may have heard,

my contract is up
in, uh... eight weeks,

and, uh... I want you
to know first

that when my contract is up,

I... will not be coming back.

(audience groans)

Uh, it's... really time
to move on.

I... appreciate
you being there, uh, for me
night after night,

and... I will see you,
uh... tomorrow night.

No flipping.

(applause)

(knocking)

Hank?

Oh, God.
Go away.

This again?

Hank, I'm taking
this tape away from you.

No, no.

Yes, Hank,
this is ridiculous.

What is that?

This...

This is...

banana liqueur.

I needed a drink
a couple hours ago.

This is the only thing
I could find.

My breath smells like
a monkey's asshole.

Give it here.
Give it-- Give--
Give me that.

Did you spend
the whole night here?

You know, I did.

You know, Brian,
this has been
my creative home...

for many years.

And I've never really
looked around.

I mean, I've never...
looked around closely.

Do you know...

Hey... There's
a fire extinguisher there.

Mm-hm.

It adds
a simple elegance,

and yet,
it has strength.

Oh, yeah,
that one.

Yep, that's
a real beauty.

Hmm?
Mm.

I can't believe
it's over.
I know.

See, I thought
when Larry...

announced
his retirement
from the show,

I would wake up,

because I had
that nightmare
almost every night.

Please wake me up!

I can't.

Pinch me.

There we go.

Hard.

Hard.

Hard!

Now, let's talk
about, um...

I saw Jim, Jim Gray
at the Super Bowl.

Jim:
Yeah.

And, uh, Hank,
did you watch
the Super Bowl?

Hank! Did you...
I say, did you watch
the Super Bowl?

It was good.

So, do you, um...

What is that red thing
on the side of your face?

You have a red thing
on the side of your face there.

Um, I have an allergy.

So, let me
ask you this...

Uh, I saw you, actually,
at the Super Bowl

interviewing John Elway
at the very end.

Jim:
Right.

And, uh, you asked him,
right there,

in front
of millions of people,

I think the ratings
were even higher
for the Super Bowl

than they were
for the "Third Rock" episode.

A very special
"Third Rock."

Bob:
Very special.

Larry:
And it was a special "Jay,"
it was a special night.

Bob was on "Jay."

Larry:
You were on "Jay"?

Jim:
Bob was.

When was that?

After the game.
After the Super Bowl.

Larry:
Oh, I didn't know
you were on that.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Big segment.

Right in between
Richard Simmons
and Jenny McCarthy.

What about on camera?

Boy, that sounds great,
Jake, I wanna go for it.

How many acres?

Yeah, well,
just so it's got

that spring creek, right?

The one where I caught
that seven-pound brown?

Bob:
Tastefully done.

Well, that's the key
to everything

you guys
do in the booth.
Mm-hm.

Why don't
we take a break?

We'll be right back.

No flipping.

(cheers and applause)

Hank?
I want to talk to you.

Great, guys, terrific.

What is
the matter with you?

You're stepping
all over my lines.

This is supposed
to be my segment.

Notice where
we're sitting?

And you're like
rambling like a madman.

You know, Bob, it's always
about you, isn't it?

No. You missed
the point entirely.
Yes, it is, always.

No, no, it's not.

We're doing another segment,
aren't we, Larry?
Hmm?

We're doing
another segment, right?

'Cause I have a great
Marvin Barnes story

I haven't
gotten in yet.
Yeah, I got that.

Oh, that's
a good story, 1975.

Everyone knows
you're the reason
we lost football.

We still got six weeks
to go, Hank.

And despite
what you think,

we're not paying you
to sit on that couch
in a stupor.

We're tryin'
to finish the show
strong for Larry,

but you're
lettin' him down.

Well, he let me down,
so I guess we're even.

Why, you
arrogant asshole.

You wanna sit there
and stare like a moron

and breathe
through your mouth,

you go sit
in Jenny Jones' audience!

You shape up,
you hear me?

Oh, who cares,
in six weeks
we're gonna be--

Who cares?
I care!

You think you're gonna
jump off the sinking ship?

Is that
what you think?

Well, I got news
for you, ratboy.

You better climb back
on board and towel off,

because we're gonna finish
this show in a blaze of glory.

Well, what if I don't--
what if I don't
feel like it?

You don't
feel like it?

Why, you ungrateful
piece of shit.

I ought to whack you
right now.

Um, I heard
that Pam was leaving?

Boy, the grapevine's hummin'.

Yeah, she is leaving.
Well, then, um,

you'll be looking
for a new assistant, then?

Yeah, I'm starting
to look already.

Oh, um, what kinds
of things are you
looking for?

Someone
who can reach
the top shelf!

That's brilliant.

Jesus Christ!

The body's not even
dead yet,

you're already makin'
your move, aren't you?

Just like
when you hit on
Michael Landon's wife.

He was dead.

The woman
was sitting shiva.

I-- I was
consoling her.

You put your tongue
in her mouth.

I-- I lost my balance.

I was falling over
and I stuck my tongue out

to break my fall.

Why doesn't anybody
understand this?

Sit down! Shh!

We're back.

(applause)

We're back with, uh,
Bob Costas and Jim Gray.

And, uh, Bob,
I was just gonna ask you
about Marvin Barnes.

Do you have
any stories about him?
Did you know him?

There's too many,
but here's one
of my favorites.

You know,
Marvin was kind
of a flamboyant,

'70s-style athlete,

the "Superfly"
hat and shoes,

and the way
he carried himself,
the floor-length...

Yeah.

Well, like I said,
I want to go for it, but...

Well, just give me a call

before you take
any other bids, will ya?

I appreciate it.

I'll be in touch,
thank you.

I want to thank my guests
Bob Costas and Jim Gray,

and, of course, great to see
Neil Sedaka back in form,

and we'll catch you all
tomorrow night.

Sleep well.

(applause)

Man:
Clear!

I thought
that was a great one.

Pure comedy gold,

melt it, mint it
and ship it to Fort Knox.

Hey, listen,
I'm having lunch
tomorrow with Jim Gray

over at Dan Tana's,
do you wanna go?

What about Costas?
Costas?

Pussy-whipped,
flying right back
to St. Louis.

Well, I must decline,
dear boy.

I'll be downing
scotch and steaks

with great
Fred DeCordova.

Well, good, great.

It's nothing.

Fred's an old drinking
compadre of mine.

Yeah.

Oh, we'd like you
to join us, but...

you got plans, right?

Yeah, I'm going
with Jim Gray,

but give him
my love.

I'll give him
your love.

Good.
It's nothing.

My advice is to take
any job you can get.

Well, Fred, I'm not exactly
being put out to pasture,

you know, I'm getting
plenty of calls.

Like who?

Roseanne for one.

Very talented.

Donny and Marie.

Also very talented.

And the illustrious
Magic Johnson.

Very talented...
basketball player.

Bob Costas
would be a great boss.

Yeah, but that's...
only if Larry

doesn't
want me back.

You know,
I-- I don't know
what he's gonna be doing

after the show, right?

Beverly,
it's fine.

Yeah, well,
I don't want
anybody thinking,

I'm going behind
Larry's back or anything.

Nobody thinks that.

By the way,
I think I got
the Leno gig.

Really, when did you
meet with him?

Yesterday, when I said
I was gonna go
to the doctor.

Mmm.

Hank:
Morning.

Hey.

Morning, Hank.
You feelin' better?

I'm feeling...
better. Yeah.
Good.

I went, uh...
I went home last night,

and, uh, I was
on my way to the kitchen
for a stiff one...

Your boyfriend
was over?

Ignoring that.
...and I saw myself,

I mean I saw my face
reflected in the, uh,
in the cook top.

And I said...
"Lemons."

Lemons. When life
gives you lemons,

you make things
with lemons.

And then
I realized finally,

finally, this
is an opportunity.

I can go back
to my acting career.

Thank you.

Isn't that great?

Yeah,
that's great.

Hank,
I wasn't aware

that you ever
had an acting career.

Oh-- oh, yeah,
Hank used to do

uh... shows
on cruise ships
all the time.

Oh, yeah,
that's right,
I almost forgot.

Little, little
playlets, really.

Then I did
that production
of, um, "Love Letters"

with Ruth Buzzi
out in Thousand Oaks.

Oh, man...
now there--
there was a pistol.

What a piece
of work she was.

She stepped
on every one
of my fucking lines.

(laughs)
I know, I saw
that production.

And you said
you enjoyed it, right?

Yeah, that's
what I said.

And I did
a little television acting,

you know,
a zillion years ago,
but it's a good credit.

What shows
were you on?

Well, just one but, uh,

it was an episode
of "Kung Fu."

No, you did not!

I did, I played
a merchant,

and I-- I can,
uh, I can still
remember my line.

"Move along, Chinaman."

(laughter)

Yeah, I know,
"Move along, Chinaman."

You see, the deal was,
he's standing in front
of my, um... my store.

And I say--
I say my line
and he kicked my ass.

He was a nice guy.

He was one
of the Carradine, um, brothers.

Man, that's wild, Hank.

I, uh, I hate to be
the one to rain
on your parade,

but doing a play
with Ruth Buzzi

and saying
"Move along, Chinaman"

do not an acting career make.

So, um, let me
get this straight,

you don't think, uh...

you don't think
I'll have any luck at this?

I don't think so.

Yeah? Well, Mr. Smug,
you are wrong,

because I called my agent
first thing this morning,

and he has already
got me an acting gig.

Well, there's no shame
in doing porno.

On a little hit show called
"Caroline in the City."

Well,
congratulations, Hank.
That's great.

Thank you.
Brian: Cool.

It's like
the condom episode.

Nothing is like
the condom episode.

It is so.

Lea! Hi. Hank Kingsley.
Oh, Hank. Hank, hi.

I'm sorry
I'm late, I was--

I was
at the craft service table.

Um, uh, this is Fred Barron,
our executive producer.

Hi. Real pleasure
to meet you.
Very nice meeting you.

Oh, same here,
same here.

Why don't we just
run one now?

Let's do it.
Okay. Great.

Welcome.

This is my loft here,
this is the door.

This is
where you enter.
Out here?

Yes.
All right.

Yeah.

(Lea laughs)

Page, please?

Uh, it's, uh, page 12.

I got it,
I got it.

Okay.

(coughs, snorts)

(whispers)
He's gotta knock.

Kno-- Could you
knock first?

Oh, I got you.

(knocking)

Hi.

Hey now,
I'm the plumber.

You called
about a leak?

Uh, you're not Antonio.
What happened to Antonio?

He went back to Milan
to claim his inheritance.

Hey now.

Oh. Uh, well gosh,
he was rich, too?

So, are-- are you gonna
snake my drain?

Hey now,

we barely
know each other.

Um... uh...
you know...

I-- I don't think
there's any
"hey nows" in there.

Um... did you say
"hey now" a couple times?

Yeah, I did.

It's... (laughs)

You know, I just--
I gotta to talk
to Fred, for...

This "snake your drain"
line at the...
Mm-hmm.

(whispering)
Fred, what is this
fucking stunt casting?

He cannot act.

I know, don't worry,
don't worry.

Just tell him
not to say "hey now."

We'll try it again.

It's really good.

Oh, thanks.

How about this time,
just one time,

without
the "hey now."

I'm sorry.
What?

Just one time without
the "hey now" this time,

but it's really good.
Without the "hey now"?

Yeah. Let's just
give it a shot.
Absolutely.

(Hank coughs)

(knocking)

Hi.

But... I think
they're gonna wanna
hear the "hey now"

when they--
when they see me.

I mean, I'm just--
I'm just tellin' you.

(coughs)

Why don't we take five,
everybody.

Well, how can that be?

Well, I don't get it.

What are you telling me,

there's all this interest
and now there's nothing?

No, come on now.

I'll tell you
what the problem is.

It's Lea
and her little slave master,

Fred Barron,
they're bad-mouthing me.

They're going around, they're
telling people I can't act.

What do you mean
how do I know? I know.

Because they said it
to me, okay?

And now I-- I have
to sit next to that--
that-- that--

that-- woman... on-- on-- on--
on-- on-- on the show tonight.

Oh, you gotta find me
something.

No, no,
don't say that.

You gotta
get me something,

because I'm telling
you, man, this is it.

What are you doing?

You fell?
You fell down?

Jesus, Sidney,
will you please get up,

and will you
help me here?

Fuck!

Oh, well, why don't
we come back

and we'll talk
about your earrings

when we come back
from the commercial break.

Would you like
to do that?

Because that's
our jewelry segment.

We'll be right back
after this commercial break.

(applause)

That was good.
Good for you.

It's a good audience.

We just, uh, we just
went a different way.

What did you hire,
a... a black man?

Well, you said...
you went a different way.

I mean, how many
different ways are there?

Do I look fat?

No, no, no.
You know, you look great.

I like this suit.

Appreciate it,
appreciate it.

We were just talking
about the fact

that you have been actually
hosting "Wheel of Fortune"

for 15 years,
is that accurate?

Uh, 15 big years. Yeah.

And Vanna
has been there...

(applause)

It was nothing.

Well, it's like popular,
is it worldwide?

It's not our--
our show.

We do, it's-- it's--
it's like a franchise,

it's like McDonald's.

We sell--
we sell the franchise,

and they have
their own local hosts.

Larry:
Oh, I didn't know that.

So there are Pat and Vannas
all over the world.

A frightening thought.
I never knew that.

I would love to see...

We've shown some
of the clips on the show.

It's funny to see.

Oh, I wish
you'd brought some.

Well, I-- I do, too.

Next time.

So are you doing anything
new now besides that?

Yeah, we're sort of expanding
our horizons a little bit.

And I started
a little production company

where we develop shows,
as you know.

And you... you try
your best at them.

But we have a game show
that we're actually
real proud of,

that I think is gonna
see the light of day.

So you're getting behind--
Or would you host
this as well?

No. I don't think
I would host it.

I'm very busy with "Wheel,"
but it's a great show.

We're interviewing hosts.

We're looking for someone
to do the show, and, uh...

(Hank coughing loudly)
Well, good--

(coughing)

Hank hosted the... has hosted
the Chabad Telethon.

Pat:
Ah.

Yeah, I hosted the... (coughs)
the Chabad television show.

Listen, if you need
a little help, I would be...

I think I would
be an asset, don't you?

(cheers, applause)

Look,
we're open to it.

We're talking
to people tomorrow.

Tomorrow afternoon,
I can squeeze you in.

Well, I'd have to move
some things around.

(laughing)

By things... By things,
he means crying, by the way.

If you need me,
I could do something.

Absolutely. I think he'd
be terrific, don't you?

(applause)
Yeah. Why don't we...

For those of you
who are watching tonight,

the unemployment line starts
right to the right of Pat.

We'll be right back.
No flipping.

(cheers and applause)

(over phone) Hey, Artie.
It's Donny Osmond calling.

I'm sitting here
with my sister Marie,
and we want you to know

that we really want you
to produce our show.

(laughing)
I'm considering carefully
your tempting offer.

I tell you, Artie,
we're gonna have

so much more fun
over at our show.

Hold on. Marie,
I'm trying to talk to him,
just for one second.

So anyw-- Marie, be quiet.
Shut up, will ya!

I'm trying to talk to him!

That's the daytime spirit.

I'm glad you came.
Now, here's the podium.

And, uh, now,
these two are gonna act
as our contestants.

Hi, Hank Kingsley.

Jeff Kirschbaum.
Hi.

And that's Debbie.

Hi, Debbie.
Hank Kingsley.

Now, Hank, the thing
to keep in mind
is this is a game...

Oh! Bob Eubanks,
Wink Martindale...

This a game.
You just have fun here, okay?

Okay. Great.

Let's get
right into it.

All right.
You ready to go?
Mm-hmm. Anytime.

Oh, we're taping this?
Absolutely.

Great, great.
Okay, you guys ready?

Okay! Let's start
the game.

Okay, players,
our first category is

"The state of liberty."

Uh, Hank?
Merv?

Pat. And, Hank, it's "statue,"
Statue of Liberty.

Right. Right, okay.
Statue of Liberty.

Um... "Name the poem--"
This is for $50.

"Name the poem by Emma Lazarus
that is engraved on a tablet

within the pedestal on which
the Statue of Liberty stands."

(buzzes)

(buzzes) It's a...
We don't have real buzzers.

It's (buzzes)...
Hank:
Of course, the buzzer.

Okay, okay, good.
It's our fault.

I got it. I got it.
Oh, Jim!
Jeff.

What?

Jeff, my name's Jeff.
You called me Jim.

I call... I'm sorry.
Um, uh, you're right.

Who is this
fucking guy?

Uh... he's one
of the producers of the show.

Right.
Good to meet you.
Hey.

Jeff Kirschbaum.
Hank:
Yeah, you're great.

Thanks.
You're a good man.

You don't let anything get by.
And the earring is...

Just-- just...
keep it moving,
if you would.

Okay. Um, um, um, um.

You ready to go?
And here we go.

Uh... You got it, Jim?
Jeff.

Jeff. Fuck me, sorry.

It's all right.

All right, do you got it?

Uh, yeah,
it's, uh, "Colossus."

No. Uh, you're wrong.
Uh, you're very wrong.

The correct title is
"The New Colossus,"

so I guess you should worry
less about, uh, your name

and a little more about
these, uh, these questions.

Hank: We'll go on
to the next question for 100!

This is for 100!

"The final rivet of the statue

"was driven
on October 28, 1886,

the same day the statue was
dedicated by this president."

You wanna take a guess?

Hank:
No guess
from you, Jeff.

No.

Hank:
Debbie, you got it?

Come on, Debbie.
Come on, honey.

You got it?
You got anything?

Okay, well,
not to worry, Debbie,

with a body like yours,
you don't have to be smart.

Well, you know,
I really--

I think we have everything,
I like it.

It's terrific,
we got all we need.

I hope I didn't offend.

So...
So what happened, again?

I don't know.
I mean, everything's
going great,

and then...
this Debbie woman
goes off on me.

Sexual harassment this
and sexual harassment that.

That's not
a good sign.
No shit.

I... What is going on
in the world today?

I mean, I...
I paid a compliment
to her on her body.

I mean,
is that a crime?

I mean,
I'm being kind,
I'm just being generous.

Because, in fact,
her tits aren't
that great.

I mean, they're--
they're too big
for her body.

I have nothing.

You have a lot
of things, okay?

Yeah, you do.
You have a...

first of all,
a huge talent,

and a fantastic voice,

and a lot of fans out there
who love you, Hank Kingsley.

Yeah.

You got charm,
and you got personality.

Your future's
out there.

All you have to do
is reach out,

grab on and hang on
for the ride.

I'm this close
to hitting you.

Hey! Andy!

Hey, Hank,
how are you?

It's great to... great
to have you here tonight.

Well, thank you.
You okay?

Uh... yeah, I'm fine.

It's just,
uh... uh...

Where the hell
have you been?

I built a theater
in Branson, Missouri.

Oh, sure, that's
down near San Diego.

No, Missouri.

Branson?

Well, you must
have heard about it.

I mean, my friends
in Hollywood told me
I was crazy.

You know, they said,
"Who has ever heard
of Branson, Missouri?"

Well, somebody
must have heard
about it

because we did
over, uh, six million
tourists last year.

It's packed
every night.

It's packed
every night?

Two shows a day,
packed every show.

Wow. And, uh, uh...
who performs there?

I do.

You do?

Two shows a day,
packed every day.

And the money?
How's the money,
is it good?

The money's terrific.

We did a little over
two million dollars

the month of November.

It was packed?
Packed every night.

Two million
fuckin' dollars.
(laughs)

Hank:
Good for you.

Why not?

Showtime?
Hey.

Hey!
Hey.

Jefe, that new suit
takes off 10 years,

and the tie another five.

Appreciate it.

That puts me
right in the middle
of my second marriage.

(laughing)
Hey, I just
bought a ranch.

Hey, congratulations.

Little town.
Good for you.

And I'm producing
Roseanne's new show.

Branson, Missouri,
remember that, my friends,

because that's where
you're gonna find me.

I'm going
to Branson.

I'm opening up
the Hank Kingsley
"Hey Now" Music Hall.

Or the "Hey Now" Opry.

I'm still fucking
around with that name.

What about, uh,
"Big Jew Jamboree"?

(laughing)

Pat Sajak.

I just got a job
working for Pat Sajak.

You can come
visit us.

Oh, yeah.

(theme music playing)