Original subtitles

Hank on TV: Larry... Sanders! (applause)

(theme music playing)

Doc, you-- you're a shrink. What do you think?

I like the new opening.

Really? Good.

What-- what about the... theme?

Yeah, I like it. Great.

Great, great.

Now, Larry, when you say "different,"

what do you mean by that?

Well, you know, it's just that...

my contract is up in eight weeks,

and the network just doesn't seem to give a shit, so...

Uh-huh.

I don't know why.

I've been changing the show and all,

and the ratings are going up a little bit, so you'd think that--

have you noticed that we're changing it?

We're in bed by 10:00 most nights.

Well, that's okay. I can see that. Mm-hmm.

I think they're...

grooming Jon Stewart to take my place.

He guest-hosts the show every now and then.

Yeah, he does a nice job.

How do you know that?

Well, I saw him as a guest host

just a couple of weeks ago.

Oh. That's-- Is-- is there a problem?

Not really. You just said that

you don't stay up past 10:00,

so I didn't know how you had seen Jon Stewart.

I thought that was a little odd.

Could we just look at this again? You know, Larry,

why don't we just stop it here

and I'll see you next week?

(elevator dings)

How goes the head doctor?

What's not to like? I got a lollipop

and he shaved me before the exam.

Well, you're not gonna like this one, sonny boy.

Your pals at the network have decided that we need

a pimple-faced chaperon,

and they have assigned Kenny fucking Mitchell

as our creative consultant.

First of all, there should be a law in the book

that prevents network people from using the word "creative" in their job titles.

They see it on their stationery, they start believing it.

Excuse me, Larry. Stevie Grant, line two.

Great. (door closes)

Stevie?

Stevie on phone: Hey, superstar!

Hey. Yeah, hey, I'm on Melrose, man.

Listen, let me tell you, El Nino is lifting the skirts el norte.

Whoa, whoa! Hey, look at her ass!

Yeah!

How are the contract negotiations going?

Great, really great. Look, the ball's in their court.

In other words, you haven't heard from 'em.

Stevie: Hey, Artie, I didn't know you were there.

I'm his interpreter. I speak fluent bullshit.

Stevie: Look, I'm seeing Bingham this afternoon,

and don't worry I'm gonna ream him and--

(car honks) Get out of the way, you stupid chink bitch!

Look, I'm pulling into the canyon here,

now you're starting to break up on me.

I'll see you after the network meeting.

(dial tone) (sighs)

What canyon comes off Melrose?

Bullshit Canyon, that's what.

(sighs) I can't believe you actually think

your agent is your friend.

He can be a nice guy.

He's a prick.

What makes you say that?

You said it first, remember?

You said you want a prick working for you,

so you wouldn't have to be one.

Oh. That's the trouble with Hollywood, Larry.

Everyone's got two pricks and three assholes.

It's a genitalia horn of plenty.

Here's another piece of fan mail that arrived the other day.

Why does the handwriting of most of my fan mail

match the handwriting of the Unabomber?

"Dear sir, your show's technically crippling

"what's left of humanity.

Love, Ted K."

This must be for Hank.

(chuckles) It's funny. Funny. Larry: Huh?

Well, well, our new creative liaison.

That's what they're calling me.

Kenny, we're right in the middle of a rehearsal. No, no, no, of course.

I just want to show you the new ratings.

You are up .2 overall, .3 In the 18-49's,

and in the all-important 18-35's, you're up a whopping .32.

Oh my god. You're even up in children two to nine.

What are they doing up so late?

Who gives a shit? They're watching you.

Wow. We're-- We're beating Letterman.

We're beating Letterman in Indianapolis.

His own backyard. How good does that feel?

The network is doing cartwheels.

As am I. Let's all join the fucking circus.

Gentlemen, can we get back to the rehearsal?

Hey, all my changes are working-- the new opening,

the shorter monologue, the new backdrop.

These flowers are too fucking Kathie Lee, if you ask me.

People seem to like 'em, you know.

I think we should try the show without the desk.

Our research shows it'll help make Larry seem more accessible,

especially to the 18-35's.

This desk is the most lasting relationship

that-- that Larry's ever had.

He-- he's married to this desk.

It-- it's there for him every night

and allows him to come in from the rear.

Let's try it, you know? Very good.

Because, seriously,

running through the audience works,

so maybe, you know, we should try the no-- no desk, bec--

look, we're just a--

a point behind Leno in-in-- in Chicago here.

Sure, he's been running through the audience for two years now.

Right, so you know, I've got a lot of catching up to do,

and, you know, maybe we could find a shortcut.

Martin Scorsese, Paul Reiser, and Colin Hay.

The guy from "Men at Work."

(sighs) You're killing us, that's three guys.

Where's the sex? On "Keenen"?

You know what we need? ♪ Tequila ♪

We need to dump Scorsese and get a Hugh Grant.

That would still be three guys.

You know what I mean. Well, sure.

We'll have our bookers scour Sunset after midnight,

and the first celeb we find

getting blown by a hooker, consider him booked.

Or her. Now excuse me.

(sighs)

I thought we sprayed for roaches last week.

Uh, Ken?

Ken, can I talk to you? Just a-- Sure.

Listen, I've been looking at the set...

and it's-- it's very nice,

but I-- I just have a confusion.

There's just a-- a table and two chairs.

Right. Well, where do the guests sit?

I see why you're confused.

No, I've moved you to your own special area over there.

Uh, here? Further.

I can't g-go any further. (sighs)

Right here, Hank.

(sighs) Yeah, it's-- it's fresher.

Can I share something with you?

Um, I have a severe hearing disorder.

Actually, it's a--

a punctured eardrum,

and whenever I'm...

very near a loud noise,

such as a-- a band...

my head feels like it's just...

(sighs)

I mean, have you seen the Zapruder film?

Hank, could you excuse us for a moment?

I've got some business to discuss with Kenny.

Of course.

I thought we had an agreement

that you're not supposed to be here

30 minutes before the show.

I wanted to talk to Larry.

That's exactly what I don't want you to do.

What's it about? About the monologue.

He did too many jokes last night.

What are you saying? Well, two of 'em didn't get anything.

He should just do the jokes that work.

How the hell do you know which joke's gonna work?

Are you a moron? Why don't you get off my ass?

Why don't you get off my stage like you promised?

Hey, say it now, Arthur,

because pretty soon you won't be able to say it at all.

Your show's on its last legs,

and let me tell you something, I don't give a hot damn.

This is just a stepping stone to prime time for me.

A tired little piece of shit stepping stone.

No kidding? Yeah. Jeez!

Okay, I'll show you! Oh fuck. Stay away from me! What's going on?

Listen, Stevie, I love Larry.

It's coming from upstairs. Upstairs? Upstairs?

We're on the top floor! Someone on the fucking roof?

Sorry I'm late. It's all right. Listen,

I was just telling Stevie how the corporation can't really justify

making a bigger investment in Larry

based on his current numbers.

Ken: No, especially when Jon Stewart matches or beats them

for a fraction of the price.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. How many guys are gonna come in here and blow me?

Listen, what we're forgetting is that Jon Stewart

even beats Larry's best numbers.

Do I look deaf to you? 'Cause you're talking to me like I'm deaf.

Do deaf people walk around in $3,000 suits?

I don't think so! Roger: Calm down.

Look, last I checked, Larry's numbers were up.

Well, I think that's because Kenny's doing a very good job.

Thank you. Okay.

If we don't get an offer that we like,

I'm shopping Larry. Stevie.

You guys can just take your cocks

and you can put them on at 11:30

with all the other cocks,

and you can call it "The Cock Network."

Well, correct me if I'm wrong,

but aren't you also negotiating deals with us

for Michael Richards and Jon Lovitz?

Yes, I am!

Yeah. Okay.

Let's let the Larry thing drop for now. Okay.

Tracy, sparkling water.

And one flat, please. (clears throat)

So I think there's a real opportunity for you here, Jon.

Wow.

Yeah.

They took the veal off the menu.

I hate this fucking place.

They're not renewing his option?

It doesn't look good.

And they're so hot for you to take over that show,

it's not even funny.

See, this is just getting weird. I mean...

I mean, I'm getting calls from agents, managers...

network people. It's fucking insane.

Well, that's why you need me,

to keep these scumbags off of you.

You just gotta promise me...

that this is okay with Larry.

Yeah.

Yeah. Larry knows how the business works,

and he and I have been friends for,

you know, like nearly half a decade now.

He-- he turned me on to you.

He's cool with this.

What's the problem? I'm asking for a note

that says I cannot sit next to the band

because I have an ear... something.

Well, I-- I don't know.

Y-you're the doctor, use your imagination.

Jesus Christ,

my rectal tract paid for your Jaguar!

(knocks on door) (door opens)

Oh, no.

Let me buy you a drink, Hank.

Oh, no.

Say when.

When.

I got some bad news.

What?

Let's drink first.

(clinks) Oh my god.

I knew I was on my way out.

This move to the band is like getting on the fucking bus to Auschwitz.

I'm on my way out.

Fuckers! Fuckers!

Who do they think Hank Kingsley is

to be discarded like-like-- like some object?

Shut up and stop being so goddamn egotistical.

I'm on my way out.

You're out? Yeah.

(clinks) I'm in.

You're out. (chuckles)

Boy, oh boy.

Ah! That's right.

You gotta drag this out. Trust me, you just gotta drag it out.

You get me the executive producer credit,

I'll have this thing in fucking reverse. (chuckles)

Hey, there you are, sorry I'm late.

I was at a photo shoot.

Oh, for which client? No, it was for me.

It was for "Entertainment Weekly,"

"The 50 Most Powerful People in Hollywood Under 30."

I thought you were 32. Yeah.

Well, congratulations. Thank you.

So, did you talk to the network?

Oh, you mean, did I kick the shit out of them

and stuff their head in a toilet

and flush it 19 times? Yeah.

And? One year... no bump.

(clears throat)

How many times did you flush their head down the toilet?

What are you trying to say? What do you mean?

Well, it just sounds like you're trying to imply

that I didn't do my best.

This is about Jon Stewart, isn't it? (scoffs)

I am telling you, ABC has just made him an offer,

and the network is just using me

as a fucking negotiation tool.

Who represents him anyway?

I do.

You do? Yeah.

Since when? Since today.

I thought you had a photo shoot and a meeting.

I had to eat lunch, Larry. With Jon Stewart.

Yeah. I see.

Don't you think that's a tad of a conflict?

(theme music playing) Not for me.

(Hank speaks indistinctly) Hey, That's what life is about, Larry.

It's about conflict. Uh-huh.

Yeah, you have to learn to balance things out, right?

You know, and I think I do a pretty good fucking job.

No. Excuse me.

I have to go be on television.

Hank: Larry... Sanders!

(cheers, applause) Hey, buddy boy.

Hey. Can I take a moment of your time?

Sure.

How's your new car?

It's good, it's good.

I just came over for--

hey, watch the fucking suit!

Larry trusted you, you fucking goddamn lowlife!

Hey, I love Larry, okay? I was at his mother's funeral, remember?

Yeah, I remember you tooting up behind a tree, using your cell phone.

Well, we're all a little nervous here at "The Larry Sanders Show,"

because the network is requiring us

to attend a sexual harassment seminar on Friday,

and I still don't have a date.

(laughter)

You know, let me say this...

You're a dinosaur, Artie.

Thank you.

I'm just exercising my right to be the best I can be.

That's what America's all about, okay?

That's what makes it a great company.

Country. What did I say?

The chicken flu's really something. Boy, oh boy.

My chicken has been in bed for six weeks.

I really just hope my cock doesn't get it.

I'm gonna keep the monologue short tonight

is what I'm gonna do, because we have a new set,

and why don't we go check it out?

So... let's do it. (music playing)

So...

Huh? (laughter)

I got a lotta...

Got a lotta letters asking if, you know,

there's any way the people at home could see my lap

throughout the whole show,

and here it is. You got a clear shot.

Honestly, that desk was totally...

in the way.

So...

(laughter)

Do you like the new set? Woman: Yeah!

Do you like the new set, Hank?

Oh, that's right, you're--

so, Hank is over by the band now,

which is--

h-- are you liking that?

(stammers) Are you comfortable over there?

I'm sorry. What?

Are you-- are you comfortable? I say...

You know, this is a-- are you c--

do we have a beeper for Hank?

(drum rimshot) Whoa!

I thought we had a little tremor there.

I think the set is very great.

I think it's beautiful. I think it's... downtown.

Which city? Downtown in which--

you know, which city?

I ca-- I can't hear you. What? Larry: Huh? What?

I can't--

This is-- I-- you know what? I can't-- what?

Oh. Why don't we--

you know what? Why don't we move on to our first guest?

He's a wonderful musician.

I'm a big fan. We're lucky to have him here tonight.

His current CD is called "Transcendental Highway."

Many of you know him from the band "Men at Work."

He also tours solo.

Please give a warm welcome to Colin Hay!

Colin Hay!

♪ There's a woman in the mirror ♪

♪ Fixing her lips ♪

♪ There's a man in the bathroom ♪

♪ Looking for tips ♪

♪ I park the car ♪

♪ No one to pay ♪

♪ One pizza later ♪

♪ It's towed away ♪

♪ I can't take this town ♪

♪ I just don't believe it ♪

♪ I can't take this town ♪

♪ I better love it or leave it ♪

♪ I can't take this town ♪

♪ I just don't believe it ♪

♪ I can't take this town ♪

♪ I just-- I don't believe it ♪

♪ Hell of a-- hell of a-- ay-ay-ay... ♪

♪ Sitting, eating dinner ♪

♪ Just the other day ♪

♪ Not my friends ♪

♪ I didn't know what to say ♪

♪ A woman leaned over ♪

♪ Said, "You gotta have hits" ♪

♪ All I could do was stare at her ♪

♪ Hell of a-- ay-ay-ay... ♪

You know, you were right about Stevie Grant.

How you like the big comfy chairs?

♪ Caught in the crossfire ♪

They're airy, very airy.

Well, maybe we oughta get you one of those long pillows

shaped like a woman, so, you know,

if you get nervous, you can start humping one of them.

Yeah.

♪ Try telling his mama ♪

♪ She can't stop the tears ♪

♪ I can't take this town ♪

♪ I just don't believe it ♪

♪ I can't take this town ♪

♪ I better love it or leave it ♪

♪ I can't take this town ♪

♪ I just don't believe it ♪

♪ I can't take this town ♪

♪ I better love it or leave it ♪

♪ I can't take this town ♪

♪ I just don't believe it ♪

♪ I can't take this town ♪

♪ I better love it or leave it ♪

So from then on, no one else was interested,

so I formed my own label called Lazy Eye Records.

Right, because-- Because I...

Have one?

No, it's not that at all,

but that's a very interesting thing you mentioned there.

That I do have a lazy eye.

(audience laughs) (laughs)

Well, I assumed. Oh yeah, I know.

Yes, of course,

and-- but actually--

Because you do, you have an eye that, if I may say--

It has-- it has a blatant disrespect for me...

and for anything that I look at, basically.

I can look at you and this eye, if it gets bored,

or if somebody's talking to me,

this eye just goes, "Ah,"

just looks over there, you know, just.

And so, it gets very--

I think it's a gift. I wish I could look away.

Yeah.

So--

So, I formed my own label and--

but you know, really, you can't--

it's very difficult to get my records.

As a matter of fact, as a record company--

because then I became a record company executive.

Right. Right. You know, my own record label.

Colin on TV: But I sat myself down one day--

Look how uncomfortable I am.

(Colin continues speaking)

Yeah well, it's gonna take some getting used to.

You know, I used to have a desk myself.

I don't know who I am anymore.

You're Larry Sanders.

Colin: If you see me in the street, you can buy one--

Well, who is that?

Just someone who does whatever the network tells him to do?

Larry, that's the way the world works now.

It's all about the money, and the money is in the numbers.

I was hoping, you know, that maybe

you could make me feel a little better.

Larry, I wrote a screenplay

that I think would be fantastic for Patrick Swayze.

Great.

Is there any way you could help me get it to him?

(cheering on TV) (Larry speaking on TV)

Um...

Is my time just about up?

Hey, Kenny? Hey, good jokes tonight.

Thanks.

Listen, I want the desk back.

I think we should wait for the ratings to come in

before we make any decisions. No, no, no, no.

It's not worth the one point in Chicago.

Larry, let's maintain the commitment.

What are you talking about? I'm talking about commitment.

So, what are you saying? I can't have the desk back?

Larry, this is coming from upstairs.

How can it be coming from upstairs?

I just asked you.

Oh, I get it.

(scoffs, mutters)

(scoffs)

What a fucking business. Yeah.

They think it's about a desk.

Yeah, that's right.

But what do you do about it?

You put your foot down.

Right.

Thank you.

(door rattles)

Okay, I want to thank Hank. Good job... tonight.

And I want to thank Vanessa Williams

and Don Imus, who were just terrific tonight.

And Hank, good job as-- as always.

(laughter)

And before we leave tonight,

I do want to make an announcement

to those of you watching at home.

As you may have heard

my contract is up in eight weeks, and...

I want you to know first

that when my contract is up

I will not be coming back.

(audience moaning)

It's really time to move on.

I appreciate you being there.

What the fuck was that?

Shit. I swear I had no idea about this.

Larry: I will see you... tomorrow night. Shit, fuck!

Fuck! Larry: No flipping.

(applause) (theme music playing)

I have to run down the checklist just to be sure.

You on any medication? No.

Just break up with someone? No.

I would like the desk back for the last eight weeks.

You're fired.

You won't have to deal with these fuckers anymore, okay?

Thanks, buddy.

Larry, when I said, "Put your foot down"...

I think you misunderstood me.

(theme music playing)