All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S06E02_English

Hank on TV:
Larry... Sanders!
(applause)

(theme music playing)

Doc, you-- you're a shrink.
What do you think?

I like
the new opening.

Really? Good.

What-- what about the... theme?

Yeah, I like it.
Great.

Great, great.

Now, Larry,
when you say "different,"

what do you
mean by that?

Well, you know,
it's just that...

my contract is up
in eight weeks,

and the network just doesn't
seem to give a shit, so...

Uh-huh.

I don't know why.

I've been changing
the show and all,

and the ratings are
going up a little bit,
so you'd think that--

have you noticed
that we're changing it?

We're in bed by 10:00
most nights.

Well, that's okay.
I can see that.
Mm-hmm.

I think they're...

grooming Jon Stewart
to take my place.

He guest-hosts the show
every now and then.

Yeah, he does
a nice job.

How do you
know that?

Well, I saw him
as a guest host

just a couple
of weeks ago.

Oh. That's--
Is-- is there a problem?

Not really.
You just said that

you don't stay up past 10:00,

so I didn't know how you
had seen Jon Stewart.

I thought that was
a little odd.

Could we just look
at this again?
You know, Larry,

why don't we just
stop it here

and I'll see you
next week?

(elevator dings)

How goes
the head doctor?

What's not to like?
I got a lollipop

and he shaved me
before the exam.

Well, you're not gonna
like this one, sonny boy.

Your pals at the network
have decided that we need

a pimple-faced
chaperon,

and they have assigned
Kenny fucking Mitchell

as our creative
consultant.

First of all,
there should be
a law in the book

that prevents network people
from using the word "creative"
in their job titles.

They see it on their stationery,
they start believing it.

Excuse me, Larry.
Stevie Grant, line two.

Great.
(door closes)

Stevie?

Stevie on phone:
Hey, superstar!

Hey.
Yeah, hey,
I'm on Melrose, man.

Listen, let me tell you,
El Nino is lifting
the skirts el norte.

Whoa, whoa!
Hey, look at her ass!

Yeah!

How are the contract
negotiations going?

Great, really great.
Look, the ball's
in their court.

In other words,
you haven't heard
from 'em.

Stevie:
Hey, Artie, I didn't know
you were there.

I'm his interpreter.
I speak fluent bullshit.

Stevie:
Look, I'm seeing Bingham
this afternoon,

and don't worry
I'm gonna ream him and--

(car honks)
Get out of the way,
you stupid chink bitch!

Look, I'm pulling
into the canyon here,

now you're starting
to break up on me.

I'll see you after
the network meeting.

(dial tone)
(sighs)

What canyon
comes off Melrose?

Bullshit Canyon,
that's what.

(sighs)
I can't believe
you actually think

your agent is your friend.

He can be
a nice guy.

He's a prick.

What makes
you say that?

You said it first,
remember?

You said you want a prick
working for you,

so you wouldn't
have to be one.

Oh.
That's the trouble
with Hollywood, Larry.

Everyone's got two pricks
and three assholes.

It's a genitalia
horn of plenty.

Here's another piece
of fan mail that arrived
the other day.

Why does the handwriting
of most of my fan mail

match the handwriting
of the Unabomber?

"Dear sir, your show's
technically crippling

"what's left
of humanity.

Love, Ted K."

This must
be for Hank.

(chuckles)
It's funny. Funny.
Larry: Huh?

Well, well,
our new creative liaison.

That's what
they're calling me.

Kenny, we're right in
the middle of a rehearsal.
No, no, no, of course.

I just want to show you
the new ratings.

You are up .2 overall,
.3 In the 18-49's,

and in
the all-important 18-35's,
you're up a whopping .32.

Oh my god.
You're even up in children
two to nine.

What are they doing
up so late?

Who gives a shit?
They're watching you.

Wow. We're--
We're beating Letterman.

We're beating Letterman
in Indianapolis.

His own backyard.
How good does that feel?

The network is
doing cartwheels.

As am I.
Let's all join
the fucking circus.

Gentlemen, can we get back
to the rehearsal?

Hey, all my changes
are working--
the new opening,

the shorter monologue,
the new backdrop.

These flowers are
too fucking Kathie Lee,
if you ask me.

People seem
to like 'em, you know.

I think we should try
the show without the desk.

Our research shows
it'll help make Larry
seem more accessible,

especially
to the 18-35's.

This desk is the most
lasting relationship

that-- that Larry's
ever had.

He-- he's married
to this desk.

It-- it's there for him
every night

and allows him
to come in from the rear.

Let's try it, you know?
Very good.

Because, seriously,

running through
the audience works,

so maybe, you know, we should
try the no-- no desk, bec--

look, we're just a--

a point behind Leno
in-in-- in Chicago here.

Sure, he's been running through
the audience for two years now.

Right, so you know,
I've got a lot of
catching up to do,

and, you know,
maybe we could
find a shortcut.

Martin Scorsese,
Paul Reiser, and Colin Hay.

The guy
from "Men at Work."

(sighs)
You're killing us,
that's three guys.

Where's the sex?
On "Keenen"?

You know
what we need?
♪ Tequila ♪

We need to dump Scorsese
and get a Hugh Grant.

That would still be
three guys.

You know
what I mean.
Well, sure.

We'll have our bookers
scour Sunset after midnight,

and the first celeb we find

getting blown by a hooker,
consider him booked.

Or her.
Now excuse me.

(sighs)

I thought we sprayed
for roaches last week.

Uh, Ken?

Ken, can I talk to you?
Just a--
Sure.

Listen, I've been
looking at the set...

and it's--
it's very nice,

but I-- I just
have a confusion.

There's just a--
a table and two chairs.

Right.
Well, where do
the guests sit?

I see why
you're confused.

No, I've moved you to your own
special area over there.

Uh, here?
Further.

I can't g-go
any further.
(sighs)

Right here, Hank.

(sighs)
Yeah, it's--
it's fresher.

Can I share
something with you?

Um, I have a severe
hearing disorder.

Actually, it's a--

a punctured eardrum,

and whenever I'm...

very near a loud noise,

such as a-- a band...

my head feels like
it's just...

(sighs)

I mean, have you seen
the Zapruder film?

Hank, could you
excuse us for a moment?

I've got some business
to discuss with Kenny.

Of course.

I thought we had
an agreement

that you're not
supposed to be here

30 minutes
before the show.

I wanted
to talk to Larry.

That's exactly what
I don't want you to do.

What's it about?
About the monologue.

He did too many
jokes last night.

What are you saying?
Well, two of 'em
didn't get anything.

He should just do
the jokes that work.

How the hell do you know
which joke's gonna work?

Are you a moron?
Why don't you
get off my ass?

Why don't you
get off my stage
like you promised?

Hey, say it now, Arthur,

because pretty soon you won't
be able to say it at all.

Your show's
on its last legs,

and let me tell you something,
I don't give a hot damn.

This is just a stepping stone
to prime time for me.

A tired little piece of shit
stepping stone.

No kidding?
Yeah. Jeez!

Okay, I'll show you!
Oh fuck. Stay away from me!
What's going on?

Listen, Stevie,
I love Larry.

It's coming from upstairs.
Upstairs? Upstairs?

We're on the top floor!
Someone on the fucking roof?

Sorry I'm late.
It's all right. Listen,

I was just telling Stevie
how the corporation
can't really justify

making a bigger
investment in Larry

based on his
current numbers.

Ken:
No, especially when Jon Stewart
matches or beats them

for a fraction
of the price.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
How many guys are gonna
come in here and blow me?

Listen, what we're forgetting
is that Jon Stewart

even beats Larry's
best numbers.

Do I look deaf to you?
'Cause you're talking
to me like I'm deaf.

Do deaf people walk around
in $3,000 suits?

I don't think so!
Roger: Calm down.

Look, last I checked,
Larry's numbers were up.

Well, I think
that's because Kenny's
doing a very good job.

Thank you.
Okay.

If we don't get
an offer that we like,

I'm shopping Larry.
Stevie.

You guys can just
take your cocks

and you can put
them on at 11:30

with all
the other cocks,

and you can call it
"The Cock Network."

Well, correct me
if I'm wrong,

but aren't you also
negotiating deals with us

for Michael Richards
and Jon Lovitz?

Yes, I am!

Yeah. Okay.

Let's let the Larry thing
drop for now. Okay.

Tracy,
sparkling water.

And one flat, please.
(clears throat)

So I think there's
a real opportunity
for you here, Jon.

Wow.

Yeah.

They took the veal
off the menu.

I hate this
fucking place.

They're not renewing
his option?

It doesn't
look good.

And they're so hot for you
to take over that show,

it's not even funny.

See, this is
just getting weird.
I mean...

I mean, I'm getting calls
from agents, managers...

network people.
It's fucking insane.

Well, that's why
you need me,

to keep these scumbags
off of you.

You just gotta
promise me...

that this is okay
with Larry.

Yeah.

Yeah. Larry knows how
the business works,

and he and I
have been friends for,

you know, like nearly
half a decade now.

He-- he turned me
on to you.

He's cool with this.

What's the problem?
I'm asking for a note

that says I cannot
sit next to the band

because I have
an ear... something.

Well, I-- I don't know.

Y-you're the doctor,
use your imagination.

Jesus Christ,

my rectal tract
paid for your Jaguar!

(knocks on door)
(door opens)

Oh, no.

Let me buy you
a drink, Hank.

Oh, no.

Say when.

When.

I got some bad news.

What?

Let's drink first.

(clinks)
Oh my god.

I knew I was
on my way out.

This move to the band is like
getting on the fucking
bus to Auschwitz.

I'm on my way out.

Fuckers! Fuckers!

Who do they think
Hank Kingsley is

to be discarded like-like--
like some object?

Shut up and stop being
so goddamn egotistical.

I'm on my way out.

You're out?
Yeah.

(clinks)
I'm in.

You're out.
(chuckles)

Boy, oh boy.

Ah! That's right.

You gotta drag this out.
Trust me, you just
gotta drag it out.

You get me the executive
producer credit,

I'll have this thing
in fucking reverse.
(chuckles)

Hey, there you are,
sorry I'm late.

I was at a photo shoot.

Oh, for which client?
No, it was for me.

It was for
"Entertainment Weekly,"

"The 50 Most Powerful People
in Hollywood Under 30."

I thought
you were 32.
Yeah.

Well, congratulations.
Thank you.

So, did you talk
to the network?

Oh, you mean, did I kick
the shit out of them

and stuff their head
in a toilet

and flush it
19 times? Yeah.

And?
One year... no bump.

(clears throat)

How many times did you flush
their head down the toilet?

What are you
trying to say?
What do you mean?

Well, it just sounds like
you're trying to imply

that I didn't
do my best.

This is about
Jon Stewart, isn't it?
(scoffs)

I am telling you,
ABC has just made him an offer,

and the network
is just using me

as a fucking
negotiation tool.

Who represents him
anyway?

I do.

You do?
Yeah.

Since when?
Since today.

I thought you had
a photo shoot and a meeting.

I had to eat lunch, Larry.
With Jon Stewart.

Yeah.
I see.

Don't you think that's
a tad of a conflict?

(theme music playing)
Not for me.

(Hank speaks indistinctly)
Hey, That's what life
is about, Larry.

It's about conflict.
Uh-huh.

Yeah, you have to learn
to balance things out, right?

You know, and I think I do
a pretty good fucking job.

No. Excuse me.

I have to go
be on television.

Hank:
Larry... Sanders!

(cheers, applause)
Hey, buddy boy.

Hey.
Can I take a moment
of your time?

Sure.

How's your new car?

It's good, it's good.

I just came over for--

hey, watch
the fucking suit!

Larry trusted you,
you fucking goddamn lowlife!

Hey, I love Larry, okay?
I was at his mother's
funeral, remember?

Yeah, I remember you
tooting up behind a tree,
using your cell phone.

Well, we're all
a little nervous here
at "The Larry Sanders Show,"

because the network
is requiring us

to attend a sexual harassment
seminar on Friday,

and I still don't
have a date.

(laughter)

You know,
let me say this...

You're a dinosaur, Artie.

Thank you.

I'm just exercising my right
to be the best I can be.

That's what America's
all about, okay?

That's what makes it
a great company.

Country.
What did I say?

The chicken flu's
really something.
Boy, oh boy.

My chicken has been
in bed for six weeks.

I really just hope
my cock doesn't get it.

I'm gonna keep
the monologue short tonight

is what I'm gonna do,
because we have
a new set,

and why don't we
go check it out?

So... let's do it.
(music playing)

So...

Huh?
(laughter)

I got a lotta...

Got a lotta letters
asking if, you know,

there's any way the people
at home could see my lap

throughout
the whole show,

and here it is.
You got a clear shot.

Honestly, that desk
was totally...

in the way.

So...

(laughter)

Do you like
the new set?
Woman: Yeah!

Do you like
the new set, Hank?

Oh, that's right, you're--

so, Hank is over
by the band now,

which is--

h-- are you liking that?

(stammers)
Are you comfortable
over there?

I'm sorry. What?

Are you--
are you comfortable?
I say...

You know, this is a--
are you c--

do we have
a beeper for Hank?

(drum rimshot)
Whoa!

I thought we had
a little tremor there.

I think the set
is very great.

I think it's beautiful.
I think it's... downtown.

Which city?
Downtown in which--

you know, which city?

I ca-- I can't hear you.
What?
Larry: Huh? What?

I can't--

This is-- I--
you know what?
I can't-- what?

Oh. Why don't we--

you know what?
Why don't we move on
to our first guest?

He's a wonderful
musician.

I'm a big fan.
We're lucky to
have him here tonight.

His current CD is called
"Transcendental Highway."

Many of you know him
from the band "Men at Work."

He also tours solo.

Please give a warm welcome
to Colin Hay!

Colin Hay!

♪ There's a woman
in the mirror ♪

♪ Fixing her lips ♪

♪ There's a man
in the bathroom ♪

♪ Looking
for tips ♪

♪ I park the car ♪

♪ No one to pay ♪

♪ One pizza later ♪

♪ It's towed away ♪

♪ I can't
take this town ♪

♪ I just don't
believe it ♪

♪ I can't
take this town ♪

♪ I better love it
or leave it ♪

♪ I can't
take this town ♪

♪ I just don't
believe it ♪

♪ I can't take
this town ♪

♪ I just--
I don't believe it ♪

♪ Hell of a--
hell of a-- ay-ay-ay... ♪

♪ Sitting,
eating dinner ♪

♪ Just the other day ♪

♪ Not my friends ♪

♪ I didn't know
what to say ♪

♪ A woman
leaned over ♪

♪ Said, "You gotta
have hits" ♪

♪ All I could do
was stare at her ♪

♪ Hell of a-- ay-ay-ay... ♪

You know, you were right
about Stevie Grant.

How you like
the big comfy chairs?

♪ Caught in the crossfire ♪

They're airy,
very airy.

Well, maybe we oughta get you
one of those long pillows

shaped like a woman,
so, you know,

if you get nervous,
you can start humping
one of them.

Yeah.

♪ Try telling his mama ♪

♪ She can't stop the tears ♪

♪ I can't
take this town ♪

♪ I just don't
believe it ♪

♪ I can't
take this town ♪

♪ I better love it
or leave it ♪

♪ I can't
take this town ♪

♪ I just
don't believe it ♪

♪ I can't
take this town ♪

♪ I better love it
or leave it ♪

♪ I can't
take this town ♪

♪ I just don't
believe it ♪

♪ I can't
take this town ♪

♪ I better love it
or leave it ♪

So from then on,
no one else was interested,

so I formed my own label called
Lazy Eye Records.

Right, because--
Because I...

Have one?

No, it's not
that at all,

but that's a very interesting
thing you mentioned there.

That I do have
a lazy eye.

(audience laughs)
(laughs)

Well, I assumed.
Oh yeah, I know.

Yes, of course,

and-- but actually--

Because you do,
you have an eye that,
if I may say--

It has-- it has a blatant
disrespect for me...

and for anything
that I look at, basically.

I can look at you
and this eye, if it gets bored,

or if somebody's
talking to me,

this eye just goes, "Ah,"

just looks over there,
you know, just.

And so, it gets very--

I think it's a gift.
I wish I could look away.

Yeah.

So--

So, I formed
my own label and--

but you know, really,
you can't--

it's very difficult
to get my records.

As a matter of fact,
as a record company--

because then I became
a record company executive.

Right. Right.
You know,
my own record label.

Colin on TV:
But I sat myself down
one day--

Look how
uncomfortable I am.

(Colin continues speaking)

Yeah well, it's gonna take
some getting used to.

You know, I used
to have a desk myself.

I don't know
who I am anymore.

You're
Larry Sanders.

Colin:
If you see me in the street,
you can buy one--

Well, who is that?

Just someone who does whatever
the network tells him to do?

Larry, that's the way
the world works now.

It's all about the money,
and the money is
in the numbers.

I was hoping,
you know, that maybe

you could make me
feel a little better.

Larry, I wrote
a screenplay

that I think would be fantastic
for Patrick Swayze.

Great.

Is there any way you could
help me get it to him?

(cheering on TV)
(Larry speaking on TV)

Um...

Is my time
just about up?

Hey, Kenny?
Hey, good jokes tonight.

Thanks.

Listen,
I want the desk back.

I think we should wait
for the ratings to come in

before we make
any decisions.
No, no, no, no.

It's not worth
the one point in Chicago.

Larry, let's maintain
the commitment.

What are you talking about?
I'm talking about commitment.

So, what are you saying?
I can't have the desk back?

Larry, this is coming
from upstairs.

How can it be coming
from upstairs?

I just asked you.

Oh, I get it.

(scoffs, mutters)

(scoffs)

What a fucking
business.
Yeah.

They think
it's about a desk.

Yeah,
that's right.

But what do you
do about it?

You put
your foot down.

Right.

Thank you.

(door rattles)

Okay, I want to thank Hank.
Good job... tonight.

And I want to thank
Vanessa Williams

and Don Imus, who were
just terrific tonight.

And Hank,
good job as-- as always.

(laughter)

And before
we leave tonight,

I do want to make
an announcement

to those of you
watching at home.

As you may have heard

my contract is up
in eight weeks, and...

I want you to know first

that when
my contract is up

I will not
be coming back.

(audience moaning)

It's really
time to move on.

I appreciate
you being there.

What the fuck
was that?

Shit. I swear I had
no idea about this.

Larry: I will see you...
tomorrow night.
Shit, fuck!

Fuck!
Larry: No flipping.

(applause)
(theme music playing)

I have to run down
the checklist just
to be sure.

You on
any medication?
No.

Just break up
with someone?
No.

I would like the desk back
for the last eight weeks.

You're fired.

You won't have to deal with
these fuckers anymore, okay?

Thanks, buddy.

Larry, when I said,
"Put your foot down"...

I think you
misunderstood me.

(theme music playing)