Original subtitles

Hank: "Apple sauce."

No, no, no, no, no, I'm kidding.

It says "applause."

Do me a favor-- could you flick that once?

(applause) Hank: All right.

Now remember, you're all a big part of the show,

so the better you are,

the better Larry is.

You see this gentleman?

Yeah, he's giving me the sign,

and it says we're on in 10 seconds,

so get ready to have a good time.

Here we go.

This is exciting, isn't it?

Man: In five, four, three, two...

(theme music playing)

Live on tape from Hollywood,

"The Larry Sanders Show," starring Larry Sanders!

Tonight, join Neve Campbell, MTV VJ Kennedy,

and the musical group the Wallflowers.

And now, because Larry's home catching up on his sex,

Jon... Stewart!

(applause) Thank you!

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you. Oh, God, thank-- please sit,

sit down.

(on TV) I have some incredibly exciting news for you.

Have you heard about this? It's a new sex doll,

it's called "the real doll."

It's an incredibly lifelike female sex doll,

and, uh, they're brand new.

Hank, actually, you might wanna, uh,

get good trade-in value on your old doll,

actually for these, you know, you could bring 'em through.

But these new dolls, if you haven't heard about it,

they're incredibly lifelike women,

they're built for sex.

They've got synthetic hair,

fake breasts, and they cost about $5,000.

So, I was thinking, "Hey, why not just save the money

and go out with Tori Spelling?"

(applause)

(elevator bell dings)

Would you tell me what were Jon Stewart's ratings?

Well, the guest host always gets the better rating,

because he's on only once a month.

No one has time to get sick of him. So what are you saying?

They're sick of the regular host?

No, I'm saying I'm sick of Jon Stewart.

I don't wanna see him as host anymore.

That's what I thought you meant, that's all I was askin'.

Uh, Larry, Larry, thank God you are back.

I just-- I have to tell you, when I'm out there with you,

I feel young, I feel alive,

but when I'm sitting next to Jon Stewart,

I just feel like a wet burlap bag full of monkey shit.

Well, that came across.

Excuse us, Hank,

Larry has more important matters to address himself to.

Why don't you let Larry speak for himself?

I've got more important matters to address myself to.

Fine. See, then I understand.

I just needed to hear that from Larry.

Uh, Ken Mitchell and Roger Bingham are here from the network.

Where are they?

They're in your office.

What are they doing in there?

I'm sorry, they-- well, they're big fans.

They're here to give you their heartfelt support.

Uh-huh, and they're in there?

Yeah, sorry about it.

We've got a situation here.

Okay, in certain key cities you're losing to Keenen.

Listen, the bottom line is we've got to do

a little fine tuning to get the numbers up.

Ken: Our research department has come up

with some really creative ideas.

These are just a few suggestions. Larry: Mm-hm.

Number one, we'd like to see a more enthusiastic

Leno-type opening,

where you run through the audience

and shake everyone's hand.

You know, that's how you get the flu.

You could wear rubber gloves.

That's true.

And then I could uh, check their prostates, too!

Maybe we'll get more of "ER"'s audience!

Funny, that's funny stuff.

Umm, number two, different hairstyle.

What's wrong with his hair? It's beautiful.

Well, Larry has an indefinite part.

Who's this? Our research has shown that--

That's supermodel Christy Turlington. Our research--

Larry: Man, oh man, oh man, look at that.

Is she married?

Uh, she's currently dating Jason Patric.

He's making her get her degree

and graduate at NYU. Yeah. Yeah. Really?

Listen, guys,

Don Hewitt told me that the hair revamp

is what turned Dan Rather around

after the sweater fiasco.

Who's this? Scoozie Baskin.

(exhales appreciatively)

Suzie. Suzie or Scoozie?

Scoozie. Single?

Did you get the license plates I wanted?

Oh... yeah, I did.

The "hey now" plates are taken, I'm sorry.

Oh, crap.

However, they tell me that these options

are still available...

"hey not," "hey stack," "hey mama," "hair now."

Why are you fucking with me like this?

"Hey now" is my catch phrase, I own it,

I-I-- I made it up,

and-- who does this schmuck think he is?

Call my lawyer.

Look, this fellow's probably a really big fan, right?

So? So...

All right-- all right, you're right, I'll bring him-- bring him down to the set,

and I'll-- I'll schmooze him,

and you know, he'll of course be so starstruck, I'll--

He'll probably just give you the plates.

Right. Excellent. Okay.

Number five, our research shows

the 18 to 34s want a snappier theme song.

How many of that demographic

actually used the word "snappy"?

47 percent.

Kenny, play him the tape.

Yeah.

Uh, we uh, took the liberty of having the guy

who did the "Singled Out" theme

spec out a few tracks for us.

Who's this?

That's the great Winona Ryder.

She's on tonight's show.

Great booking.

And like the limited McRib sandwich,

scrumptious, hot, and hard to get.

I'll say, anyone on from Arby's tonight?

No, but we've got the very popular band Smash Mouth

and per Roger's request, Mr. Jon Stewart.

Roger: Yeah, well, we thought it'd be a good idea,

you know, show a little team spirit,

play the funky one first, Kenny.

(funky music playing)

He just walked out on us.

No, he didn't.

Listen, Artie, we think the changes can work.

But, you know, the hard truth is,

Jon Stewart's numbers are the same

if not better than Larry's.

And he's a hell of a lot cheaper.

Does Larry have any idea how serious this is?

Gentlemen, I can assure you

he thinks of nothing else.

Beverly, would you do me a favor

and get Winona Ryder's movies for me to look at

before the interview?

Larry, she's never done a nude scene.

(laughs)

So this woman right here,

can we book her on the show?

I think that would be great.

Okay, uh, um, that's a Visine ad.

Yeah, yeah, I think that will be a funny story,

I can ask her how she got that thing in her eye.

Maybe it's, uh--

and she can wear whatever she wants, we're just--

We gotta throw these guys a bone here, you know.

Well, fine, throw 'em a bone.

But you know, fake throw it,

and then see if their heads move.

What time is Smash Mouth getting here?

3:30. 3:30, good.

I'm a big fan of Smash Mouth, you know.

What's your favorite song?

They're all-- they're all good. Excuse me.

Really? Yeah. (chuckles)

Does Smash Mouth have a female lead singer?

No, but Winona Ryder will be there.

Well, you know I saw my buddy Dick Cavett go through this,

when his ratings started to slip,

he compensated by screwing everything

in the tri-state area.

With me, it's food.

Yeah. Gleason had that.

I'm Little Bo-Hank,

and I've lost my sheep in a-- in a-- in a poker game?

Yeah.

What's funny about that?

You in a dress.

Oh. oh, right, right, I get it.

I was just paying too much attention to the words.

Excuse me, sorry, uh...

the fella with the "hey now" license plates is here.

Oh, great, where is he?

Uh, he's right there.

Is he retarded?

No, he works in a shoe store.

He looks just like you.

You sure he's not retarded?

Uh, could you crawl under here and blow me? (mock laughs)

I don't do fat chicks.

Paul Fisher, Hank Kingsley.

How do you do? Hey now.

(Brian chuckles)

I am such a huge fan. Well, thanks.

That's why-- that's why we invited you down here today.

Uh, Mr. Fisher, would you like to sit in Hank's chair? Come on.

Are you kiddin' me?

Come on, get over here.

Live, on tape from Hollywood, it's me.

Ooh. Oh, my God.

This is like a wet dream come true.

Well, that's-- that's why we have the tarp.

(laughing)

Get a picture. Oh, okay.

Oh, sure.

You know, you look just like a guest on the show.

♪ And their kids were hippie chicks ♪

♪ All hypocrites ♪

♪ Because fashion is smashin' the true meaning of it ♪

♪ So don't delay, act now ♪

♪ Supplies are running out ♪

♪ Allow, if you're still alive ♪

♪ Six to eight years to arrive ♪

♪ And if you follow, there may ♪

♪ Be a tomorrow, but if the offer's shunned ♪

♪ You might as well be walkin' on the sun ♪

♪ It ain't no joke ♪

♪ When a mama's handkerchief is soaked ♪

♪ With her tears ♪

♪ Because her baby's life has been revoked ♪

♪ The bond is broke up, so choke up ♪

♪ And focus on the close-up ♪

♪ Mr. Wizard can't perform no godlike hocus pocus ♪

♪ So don't sit back, kick back ♪

♪ And watch the world get bushwhacked ♪

♪ News at 10:00, your neighborhood ♪

♪ Is under attack ♪

♪ Put away the crack before the crack ♪

♪ Puts you away ♪

♪ You need to be there ♪

♪ When your baby's old enough to relate ♪

Hi. Hi.

Hi, nice to meet you. Hi, I'm Larry.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Gee, thanks for doing the show.

I'm a great big fan. Thanks.

♪ If you follow, there may be a tomorrow ♪

This is my favorite song. Aren't they great?

Oh, yeah, they're gr-- what's it called?

What's it-- uh...

this song? Yeah.

♪ Might as well be walkin' on the sun ♪

It's called, uh-- this is track three.

(both laugh)

♪ Might as well be walkin' on the sun ♪

(applause)

I just-- I'm so happy to have you on the show.

Oh, thanks.

I'm just-- I'm really nervous.

Great, me too.

I'm not funny or interesting,

so I hope that's not gonna be a problem.

Well, that hasn't... stopped Hank.

(both laugh)

Would you like a mint?

Oh...

Thank you.

So, uh... it'll just kind of be--

it'll just kind of be like this,

we'll just talk and--

Yeah, except there's gonna be

millions of people watching.

Yeah, well, I'll tell them to turn their sets off

before you come on. (laughs) Okay.

A lot of them do that on their own, anyway.

Artie: Larry and I have really gone over the notes,

and I don't even think that you'll find paramedics

that would have responded quicker than we have.

Voila.

What? Come on.

No coffee table?

The enhanced greenery.

That wasn't even one of our notes.

Well, we're way ahead of you, then.

Roger: Uh-huh.

Uh-huh, what?

Did you talk to Larry about the entrance?

Absolutely, we're working on it.

These guys from the network--

this is what they're like.

They-- they want me to redo the whole show

and change the theme. You're kidding.

I mean, it's your show.

Right. I mean, I've never done a talk show in my life,

and I'm doing this one because I love the show so much.

What are you doing after the show?

Mmm... I don't know.

Artie: I want you to look at this new light grid.

What do you think?

We're real proud of it.

Hey! Hey, Jon. Jon: Oh, hey, Kenny.

Hey, did I miss the band? Hey, Jon.

How's the Marmont? Jon: Oh, hey, Roger.

Uh, it's good, I think last night one of the actors

from "Melrose Place" threw up on my door.

(laughter) Ken: Oh, you're so fucking quick. I love it!

Well, you look-- you look great.

You think so?

Would you like to have that?

Are you shittin' me?

Well, you-- you like it, don't you?

Like it? Hank-- Hank, I love this! You look terrific in it.

Of course, uh... it's very valuable.

You might, uh... have to trade

something of equal value for it.

I don't know, uhhhhhh...

something that would go on my car.

What, my plates?

Oh, Hank, Hank.

My-my-- my plates mean way too much to me.

Hank, I'm the "hey now" guy.

That's funny, I...

thought I was the "hey now" guy.

(laughs) Not in Valencia, my friend.

Now, you cut the shit.

What is it gonna take?

Another picture.

Fine, deal. Ball game.

A picture... of me... with Larry.

With his arm around me.

Smiling.

Will you listen to me? You don't have to run.

Hey, what if you just walk through the audience?

You walk.

It doesn't have to look like a fucking telethon.

You walk through with dignity.

She-- she's a Scorpio, I'm a Sagittarian.

Do you realize we sit right next to each other

on the zodiac chart? That's a hot combo.

Yeah, that's all I'm saying.

Uh, Larry, you remember the time

that the network wanted us to have Jan Michael Vincent

on to promote that TV movie with the robots?

Yeah. You told me no, I told them no,

and the network ate it.

Right, I remember that.

Well, this ain't that.

Oh shit. That's Jon Stewart.

It's like a shooting gallery.

Well, I'll just run home and bring back

my 7-mil Remington Mag.

Please, before he walks by again. Okay.

I don't wanna see him before the show.

You got it.

Larry... could you do me a huge favor? (sighs)

I can't right now. I just want you to meet a friend of mine.

It'd be very important to me.

I can't. He has colon cancer.

I've got... He's dying.

What makes you think he's avoiding you?

Well, earlier when I crossed by in the hallway,

he didn't say, "Hey, Jon."

And then I figured, "Well, maybe it wasn't him,"

so that's why I-- I crossed back again,

and I... peeked out of the corner of my eye

and I saw, well, it-- it definitely was him,

but he, he still didn't say, you know... "H-hey, Jon."

You're all fucking crazy.

So-- so, he's not avoiding me?

He fuckin' loves you, we all do.

So why don't you sit in here and relax

until showtime.

You got your sliced pineapple,

you got tiger shrimp,

and your favorite, a pack of Camel Lights.

Hank: That's good, that's good. Okay? Take it.

Take it. Smile.

(camera clicks)

So you got the plates, eh?

Yes.

And not a moment too soon.

That guy was driving me fucking crazy,

every five seconds it's, "Hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now."

It was just-- it was really-- it was just ugly to watch.

Oh God, I know what you mean.

I hate it when Phil imitates me.

Excuse me?

Nothing. I just mean that I understand.

Whoa, whoa, just-- just back up.

"Imitate" is the wrong word.

It's-- it's not really an impersonation.

It is a-- It's a-- well, um...

It is a-- Well, he, uh--

he... He--

what? Say it.

...captures you.

He captures me?

Yeah. Captures you.

Now, y-- you listen, you little fruit basket,

I am nothing like that-- that sick fuck.

He is a... pathetic, annoying nobody,

and I am-- I am Hank fucking Kingsley.

That's what I was saying.

Please leave.

I'm sorry, did I forget to say "now"?

There you go.

Oh, hi! Hi.

Hi, I'm sorry, I thought the door was-- was open. Oh, hi. No, come on in.

No, no, I just came to tell you that, uh...

it's a very hot crowd tonight.

Winona: Great. And, uh, you're gonna have a great time.

Okay? Okay. Thanks.

Seriously, I just, um-- Winona: Great.

Have fun. Thanks.

Anything, uh-- everything under control

you want to talk about and so forth?

Uh, yeah, everything is fine,

except I don't wanna talk about the "Aliens" underwater stuff,

'cause I'm so sick of talking about that. Okay, good.

Don't need to, don't need to.

I'll see you out there.

Okay.

We'll... see you then. Thanks. Winona: See you.

You know, Hank, the network has just gone sweet on Jon Stewart,

so don't make things worse by helping him out there.

Is Stewart taking over the show?

Oh, Christ!

You didn't hear anything. Understand?

What do you mean? I heard everything!

Artie, are we in trouble?

Oh, fuck me. You're worse than Hank.

Hey. Stay here.

He's gonna... Relax.

...step all over my punchlines now.

I'm gonna go out there, and he's gonna fuck me.

(sighs) It's so obvious.

Whatever.

Hank: Well, Larry will be out in a minute, and I'll be back...

Hey now. ...after I bleed the weasel.

And by weasel, I don't mean, uh, my agent.

(audience laughs)

Hank. Hank, listen, I'd rather give you my mother's arm,

but a deal's a deal. Here you go.

That's very generous of you, but, uh, thanks,

I don't, uh-- I don't really need those.

You're kidding.

But I can keep the suit, right?

Yes.

Paul, you can keep the suit,

and you can keep the license plates,

and you-- you can go around and you can say "hey now"

'til your-- your dick falls off,

but you know what, Paul?

That does not make you... me.

Because I am-- I'm-I'm-- I'm deep.

I'm-I'm-- I'm complicated.

And I-- I cannot be defined by what you see

on your television.

But don't you even want 'em as a memento?

No! I mean with the show ending.

(exasperated sigh)

What? You haven't heard?

Jon Stewart is taking over for Larry.

Where'd you hear that? Artie.

(whispers) What exactly did Artie say to you?

He said the network had gone sweet on Stewart

and, basically, Larry was on his way out.

My next guest is, uh... a very funny comedian.

You've probably seen him many times

right here on this show,

where he's guest hosted many times.

Please give a warm welcome to Jon Stewart! Jon Stewart!

(cheers, applause)

Nice to see you. Good to see you.

Nice to see you. They love you, Jon.

Thank you very much. (cheers, applause)

Thank you. That's very nice.

They love you. Thank you for having me again,

and last week, I-- honestly, I hope

I didn't too much damage to your office,

'cause I-- I do need that security deposit back.

But I'm very happy to be here,

and thank you for having me on.

It's always a pleasure. I took the red eye.

You took the red eye. I actually came out on the red eye,

And flying is the easiest-- 'cause I did it once.

We did a walk-a-thon to raise money for Lupus,

but it took so long. Not lupus the disease, the kid from "Bad News Bears."

(laughter)

Listen, have you been following... Yes?

...this Bill Clinton thing?

I-I-- I don't follow it.

All I heard was that the woman involved,

Monica Lewinsky, apparently says... Mm-hmm.

...she did perform oral sex but-- but didn't inhale. Oh.

Don't you think it would've been a great

State of the Union opening,

had he just walked out and said, "Hello, ladies!"

Jon: Yeah, right! Wouldn't that have been good?

What I thought was interesting in the State--

Larry: My concern is what happens when the sex stops.

I mean, I wouldn't wanna-- I mean,

can I be honest with you? I literally-- I've gone four years

without having any oral sex... Right, right.

...and if I was near a nuclear button, I'd have pushed it.

Really? Larry: Oh, yeah.

You know, I belong to a group called "Sex Without Partners."

Oh, really, how's that-- how's that going?

Larry: Not bad, I'm the treasurer.

I actually have a cat who, uh--

I have a cat. Do you know that it takes cats--

I just had my cat neutered. Can I tell you something?

It only takes cats about 30 seconds to have sex.

Did you know that?

But hours to catch one!

You're kidding! Have you noticed that?

No. Have you ever seen a hairless cat? No.

You know that they have hairless cats? No, do they--

I saw it on a-- there was a video of a cat show

on TV the other night, Right, right.

There was a hairless cat.

And this woman said "Well, they're having trouble breeding them."

No kidding.

Who wants to have sex with a hairless cat?

Why don't we take a break, and we'll come, uh, right back.

No flipping! (jazz music playing)

(applause)

You were great.

Oh, hey, thanks.

Um, do you wanna go out and get a bite to eat later?

You know, maybe go on a pussy hunt?

The show is in trouble,

are you-- are you aware of that?

Yes, I am.

Well, were you planning on saying anything about it?

I believe I did, sir.

I don't recall.

Well, I'm sorry, sir,

I thought beating you over the head

with this would be sufficient.

What is this? I don't recall seeing this.

Again, I apologize.

What are we gonna do?

I've done everything I can do.

Mm-hm.

Larry... through all the years we've been together,

I've always tried to protect you from the bullshit,

but I can't anymore.

You're gonna have to decide this for yourself, sonny boy.

What you wanna do?

Right.

I wanna start the show again.

Good.

(theme music playing)

Hank: Live, on tape from Hollywood,

"The Larry Sanders Show," starring Larry Sanders.

Tonight, join Larry and his guests

Winona Ryder, Jon Stewart,

Smash Mouth,

and me, "hey now," Hank Kingsley.

And now, because the charges were dropped,

Larry... Sanders!

(applause)

(theme music playing)