Original subtitles

Our next guest is a terrific musician.

We're real really lucky to have him tonight.

His new CD is called "Eventually."

It's already out of here and in my car CD player.

And he's here to sing "Ain't Got Me."

Please welcome Paul Westerberg.

(rock music playing)

♪ You got ♪

♪ A call waiting ♪

♪ Now it's irritating ♪

♪ Me to no end ♪

♪ I take a shot ♪

♪ Your hall of fame is ♪

♪ Littered with famous ♪

♪ Women and men ♪

♪ You've got 'em all on your wall ♪

♪ I'm the last of a dying breed ♪

♪ 'Cause you ain't got me ♪

♪ No, you ain't, no, you ain't ♪

♪ Oh, no, you ain't got me ♪

♪ No, you ain't, no, you ain't ♪

♪ No you ain't got me ♪

Who you waving at?

The girl in the front row.

Oh, wow. Nice rack.

That's Alex.

Who's Alex?

That's the girl I've been dating.

Oh.

Nice rack.

♪ You got a voice like the last day ♪

♪ Of Catholic school ♪

♪ Oh, your world's got everything ♪

♪ That you ever need ♪

♪ But you ain't got me ♪

♪ No, you ain't, no, you ain't ♪

♪ No, you ain't got me ♪

♪ No, you ain't, no, you ain't ♪

♪ No, you ain't got me ♪

♪ You got Broadway ♪

♪ The longest street ♪

♪ With the shortest memory ♪

Buddy, I'm telling you.

You hit one out of the park tonight.

Yeah, that's 'cause I'm not choking up as much on my penis.

Listen, I'm telling you, the last six weeks

have been the best shows I've seen you do in years,

and it's all because you're happy.

'Cause I'm what?

You are happy! Oh.

Well, I've been feeling something lately,

and I couldn't put my finger on it.

Maybe it's that-- What'd you call it?

Happy. Yeah.

Ten kisses short as one, one long as 20.

Yeah, why don't you go get a costume and come back? Oh yes, with a ruff.

There he is. Oh.

Larry, god, you were so great.

Oh, thanks Thank you for asking me.

And Arthur, thank you.

You gave me the best seat in the house. Pleasure, my dear.

Hey, do you think when I come out to do the monologue

I should just rush to the front of the stage

and shake everyone's hand the way Leno does?

No. I mean--

Larry, I made reservations for you, 7:30.

Well, shouldn't we be going? Yes.

It was really nice to finally meet you, Alex.

Keys, credit card. I like her.

Well, too bad, she's mine.

Arthur, why don't you come? Come to dinner with us?

Oh, thank you, sweet, I'm afraid I can't.

A producer's day is never done.

Yeah, he's still gotta take Hank apart

and put him back in the box.

You inspired him so much, he'll be on for hours.

Bye-bye. Good night.

Everyone likes you.

Really? I like everyone. Everyone.

You were amazing.

You were so amazing. Hey now!

Oh. Hank Kingsley.

And you must be Alex? Alex.

Yes, nice to meet you, Hank.

Nice to meet you. Likewise.

May I say that you are a--

You're a lucky man, Mr. Larry Sanders.

Why, are you quitting?

(laughing)

No, no. I think you know what I mean.

Well, I don't want to hold you guys up.

But have a nice evening.

It was a pleasure meeting you, Alex.

Yes.

Yeah, I'll see you... Tomorrow.

Yeah.

Okay. Why don't you put that away?

I don't usually hear that until my pants are off.

(chuckling)

No, really, what are you doing?

It's a sketch that Phil wrote.

I just-- I just gotta finish it

and then I can put it away.

That's funny.

Hanks playing the mermaid?

Yeah, Hank always plays the mermaid.

That seems a little broad, you know?

Well... You should get a woman, it's hipper.

That's not a bad idea.

Yeah, I don't know, a man dressing as a woman,

that's a little... Benny Hill, don't you think?

I hadn't thought of that.

Who knows. You might be right.

That's what we are. We are Benny Hill.

No, you're right. It's something that I should think about.

Yeah.

You know, I could play that part.

Of the, uh... Sorry.

Oh, god, I-- That was so... Of the mermaid or...

just presumptuous.

It's okay. Awkward position that I--

No, it's not. I feel-- I feel really bad.

I can't believe that came out.

I think you should do it, and I'll tell you why.

Why? 'Cause I'm never gonna be able to talk hank into

going up into that Bed and Breakfast,

but I think I have a shot with you.

Really? Uh-huh.

Good morning, Oh great one!

Are you talking to me or my ass?

All right, let's get a camera in here! The show's already starting!

(door closes)

On our show tonight, we will have the lovely Daisy Fuentes.

I like her.

And afterward, we'll meet

with Vice President of Entertainment, Roger Bingham,

along with several of the national affiliate heads

who will be stopping by to press the flesh.

Is that drunk guy from Chicago coming?

Ed Wallace? Heh. No.

He doesn't drink anymore.

Oh, thank god.

That guy really needed to get that under control.

No, I mean he stopped drinking because fell into Lake Michigan and drowned.

Oh, god. Which of the 12 steps is that?

The last one.

I mean, it's a shame because we're doing the mermaid sketch

and Ed always chuckled at that one.

Yeah, by the way, I asked Alex

to play the mermaid in the sketch.

Oh. Yeah.

Is that okay? I think it's a little hipper that way.

Hipper? Yeah.

Oh, I see.

What's wrong?

Well, Hank always did the mermaid sketch.

Yeah, I know.

I know. But I think this will be good.

You do? Yeah.

Well, can she act?

It's the mermaid sketch.

Hey, buddy. Wanna run lines?

Listen, I gotta go work on the monologue with Phil.

Excuse me. Okay.

Well, I'm excited about the sketch.

You know, some of the other sketches sometimes, you know,

they get a little broad, but this mermaid sketch, there's some good stuff in here.

Well, you can stow the costume, Hank,

because-- how can I put this? --Alex will be doing the mermaid.

But I've always played the mermaid.

That's what I said, but not this time.

People know me as the mermaid.

I know, but I'm sorry. That's the way it is.

Well, I think you're asking for some big trouble here.

Yeah, how so?

Well, I-- I know people,

and she is no mermaid. Yeah?

Yeah.

And there is something behind her eyes.

That would be her brain, Hank.

It's an organ that you may not be familiar with.

Fuck.

Fuck.

(applause)

And now it's time for

another episode of "The Sailor and the Mermaid."

Tonight the mermaid will be played by a lovely and talented lady

instead of me.

In this episode,

the sailor and the mermaid discuss visiting the "fin-laws."

I-- Well, honey, what do you expect?

You married an octopus. (laughter)

He has eight arms.

I know, well, just next time cover your blowhole.

Larry: Honey, I'm home.

Oh, I hear the anchor and chain. I gotta go.

(cheering)

This is really funny.

You're probably wondering why I'm not playing the mermaid, right?

Huh?

Well, I am the mermaid.

Larry: You look great. Look what I got you.

Does Larry come back after this?

Oh, man. Look at that.

I mean, look at her.

I mean, do you really buy that she has ever been underwater?

Huh? I don't.

I'm sorry, I don't.

Oh, not now, Captain Jack.

No, I'm just not in the mood.

Honey, I've been on a boat for six months.

Just rocking and rocking and rocking.

Just with other-- with other men.

It's just awful.

There's-- There's-- One guy was eaten by a whale.

Oh, those whales, they can eat anything.

They're so lucky. And you don't hear people standing around saying,

"Look how fat that whale got."

(laughter)

Alex, you were so funny. What? Really?

Yeah. Oh, god, you think so?

Yeah. I was-- It was so hard not to laugh.

I was, like, looking at Larry. No, no, you looked great.

You were great. You really were. Oh, really? Thanks.

Oh, you know what? I was wondering,

do you think I could get a video cassette of the show?

Sure, that's no problem.

I can have it ready for you by the end of the week.

I want-- Well, I wanted it tomorrow

so I could give it to my agent, you know.

Oh, well, that's no problem.

I can just have them put a rush on it.

Beverly, Larry is so lucky to have someone like you.

I'm telling you. Do you mind?

Hey. Hey.

Is that the President of NBC over there?

Warren Littlefield?

Yeah. I'm hoping he doesn't see me. It's too late.

Hello, Larry. Oh, Warren, hey.

How you doing? Good to see you.

I'm great. Nice to see you.

This is Alex Markham.

Hi. Nice to meet you Mr. Littlefield.

Nice to meet you. Hey, what are you up to?

I just thought I'd come by, check out the competition.

Doesn't seem like you have a lot to worry about.

You're doing so well.

Is NBC doing well?

We're keeping the lights on.

Good for you. Good for you.

You know, Jay sends his best.

Oh, listen, you tell Jay, by the way,

I love that new opening where he charges out

and greets everybody, shakes their hand.

Yeah, you do? That was my idea.

It's still good.

Hey, Warren. Warren.

Get the hell away from Larry.

Hey, Roger, how are you?

I'm good, how are you?

Good, good. Glad to hear it.

I was just telling Warren here we're doing a little counter-programming.

We've got a thing called "Must-pee TV."

Oh, funny.

Well-- Well, good to see you,

and I'll just say hi to some of my other friends here.

See you later.

So, Larry, saw the network feed. Show was good tonight.

Good, thanks. Appreciate it. I thought it was a good one too.

Mm-hmm. Now do I recognize the lovely mermaid?

Yes, hi. Hi.

Alex Markham. Alex Markham.

Now, you were really funny tonight.

Alex: Really? Thanks.

I guess that means I get my own show.

(laughing)

She can have mine for ten bucks.

Now look, I was just going over the numbers for our meeting on Friday,

and your demos in the major markets are holding strong. Good. Good.

You know, there's always a little room for improvement in the Midwest,

but we can discuss that.

So, I'll see you Friday. All right.

And it was a pleasure to meet you.

Good night.

Lot of people here. Yeah, we're gonna have to go.

I know. I'm just gonna go to the ladies room, okay?

Okay. I'll see you. Okay.

You look so handsome. Oh, thanks.

And then we're going. We're going.

You just...

Larry and I are very, very close.

Larry...

You understand?

That's a comfort that comes from years and years of working together.

(laughing)

No, I was nervous, but you know what, it was really fun.

But the costume was tight.

I think I have bruises up and down my hip.

You're suffering for your art.

Yes, I'm suffering.

But you were really, really funny tonight.

Really? Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you. That means a lot.

Does it? Yeah, it's--

Yeah, you know, we have a lot of projects coming up this fall,

and I think I'll keep my eyes open.

There might be something for you.

Wow. That's-- That would be really great.

You know? Yeah. Do you have an agent?

Yeah. Um...

What? But it's-- Well, I'm just thinking,

um, you know, I'm gonna give you a number.

And this is just easier to call me there.

Okay, great. Good. That's great.

That's even better.

Okay, here. Thanks. I'll call you.

Okay, good. Yeah, all right.

Night. Okay. Good night.

Alex. Arthur, hi.

Larry's looking for you.

Oh, okay.

Um, I was-- I just ran into Roger again.

I was giving him my masseuse's phone number,

'cause he said he had some trouble with his neck.

Oh. How sweet.

Oh, did Beverly give you that tape?

Mm-hmm. It's in the car.

Oh, really? Yeah. I got it.

Looks good.

I think the sketch went pretty well,

you know, do you? Really good. You were hilarious in it.

You think so? I gotta tell you the best part.

What? It really pissed off Hank.

Oh. Oh, no. I gotta be honest with you.

That wasn't my main motivation,

but you know, it's kind of like icing on the cake. But you enjoyed it.

Well, I'm really glad you got it,

because I need to get it over to my agent before I go to San Francisco.

When are you going to San Francisco?

Mm-hmm. Next week I'm going.

Really?

Network affiliate thing.

Roger Bingham invited me. You're going to that?

Yeah.

Roger Bingham invited you? Yeah.

Oh, that'll be fun. Larry.

I'm-- It's business, you know. I mean...

it's a big chance for me, don't you think?

Yeah, you're right. You're absolutely right.

And so should I come over later? You want me to...

Well, you know, I should, um--

I should go get that tape now.

We love the new set. It's testing great in all the primary markets.

Oh, good, good. Good.

I think this testing thing's a little overrated.

Well, what-- Roger's trying to say

that there's no greater test than the whole market,

and they love Larry.

Of course they do. But, Larry, as I mentioned to you the other day,

Your numbers in the Midwest are a little soft,

but the good news is-- Well, that's 'cause they have a lot of twisters there.

(laughing)

You got shit flying around, you're not gonna be watching TV.

Let's move on to something more pressing.

Let's spend a moment with the budget.

Our testing's showing we need more money.

Look, I'm really a fan. Give me a couple days

and I'll do what I can with the budget.

But let me tell you something.

The mermaid sketch, you were very funny.

Oh. You're very, very funny.

There was a lot of buzz in the office about it.

And you know, I'd like to see a little more of Alex in the show.

The, uh-- Sure.

The-- Yeah. She brings a real feminine, female energy to the show

that it really needs.

And, you know, it's much hipper to have a woman in that role.

Mm-hmm. Really?

Well, yeah, plus, she's fresh. She's exciting.

You know, let's face it, she's very sexy.

Is that your thought, or...

All right, wonderful meeting here!

Whose thought-- Whose thought is that? And-- Yes.

Well, we all kind of came up with it at the same time.

You're saying it's not your thought?

If you want me to take credit for it, I'd be happy to.

I think it's a good idea. I'm just saying I think it's a good idea.

Yeah. That's all.

Yeah. Here we go. Let's go.

You oughtta have that suit tested.

Yeah. (laughs)

We'll see you at Morton's.

I want you to call Richard Germaine,

and you tell him to get rid of fucking Bingham

or I'm taking the show to another network.

Gotcha.

That's a call I should make, yeah?

No, no, no. You'll end up saying something you regret.

I'll do it.

Artie.

What happened in that meeting?

Slap on your shell bra, little mermaid,

you're back in business.

Hi. Hi.

Look, if you don't want me to go to San Francisco, Larry,

I'm just not gonna go.

Well, you know, that's not a decision I would make for you.

That's a decision you have to make on your own.

I know. Thank you.

Well, I'm not gonna go. So...

Really?

Yeah, really. Really?

Why would I go? I won't have any fun without you.

Everything's okay?

Hmm?

I missed you today.

You know, San Francisco's really, uh...

very nice. It's very-- Is it?

Yeah. Maybe you'll take me sometime.

So, do you think we're gonna do that mermaid sketch again?

I don't-- I don't know.

I don't know if there's...

You know, we space 'em out.

Oh, okay.

Probably. In a while.

In a while. Yeah.

How-- How long is that?

A while? I don't know.

I don't know. Couple months, maybe.

You don't care about my career at all, do you?

You know, you...

I don't get it.

I am so confused.

I happen to be in love with you.

And, uh, I'm confused.

Oh... shit.

You know, I think maybe we should...

take a little break. Yeah.

Maybe we should take a little break.

I think I've been really supportive.

I think I've been really there for you.

(scoffs) Right.

How's it going, Hoss? Good.

It's all coming together.

(chuckles)

I know you've had a bad day, ol' girl,

but take a look at this.

"Network grooms Jon Stewart to replace Sanders."

The fuck is this?

Roger Bingham's behind all this.

What a sack of shit he is.

And now he's trying to fuck the show.

Well, I'll take care of it.

Yeah. I just want you to remember one thing.

This is your true love.

Every night the show is here for you.

Everything else is bullshit.

I can't lose this show, Artie.

I'm gonna put Jon Stewart in there if it's the last thing I do.

I don't know, I'd be careful. Larry's really smart.

If Larry wants a war, he'll get a war.

Arthur.

This is a surprise.

It's not a surprise to me, Roger.

You're traveling down a very dangerous road.

You better reconsider before it's too late.

Arthur, I'm-- Don't speak, or your fish will get very cold.

Bye-bye.

That was dramatic. Yeah. (chuckles)

Weird.

Larry on TV: You were in Hawaii, right?

Jeff Foxworthy: Well, we were just vacationed out there.

I got to the point doing stand-up

I had, like, three million frequent-flyer miles.

And so I cashed 'em in.

It's true. Three million.

I took everybody in my family to Hawaii...

thinking it was gonna be the vacation of a lifetime.

It ended up being the Clampetts go to Maui.

'Cause you get my family together,

there is an empty Kmart somewhere.

(chuckles)

They show up at the airport.

They're using coolers and grocery bags

for luggage. Yeah.

The skycap was like, "Which one's yours, the Samsonite?"

They were like, "No, we got the Igloo with the duct tape on it,

"and the five Piggly Wiggly bags right there."

(TV turns off)

(sighs)

Hey, hear this. The funny thing on the plane,

the movie that they were showing

was "Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey."

Five minutes into the movie,

my brother leans over and goes,

"You know, that ain't them dogs' real voice."

That is-- That's a long trip, isn't it?

Well, my sister got mad. You know,

"Thanks for spoiling it for everybody else."

(laughs)

(theme music playing)