All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S05E12_English

Hey, Artie!

Norman!

How goes it, buddy?
Hi.

I thought I smelled a publicity
man on the premises.

Listen, I have a list here
of the people

for Larry's roast
on Saturday.

I wanted to run it by Larry.

Oh, come on, Norman.

We don't want Larry to deal
with planning this thing.

There's lots of egos
involved here.

There's bound
to be some problems.

Let me see the list.
Sure.

Hey, this is great!

I love roasts.

You know, I remember
the night they did Totie Fields.

I think I heard every one-legged
joke there ever was that night.

Oh, Totie honey,
we miss you.

Yeah, I think Larry's
gonna love this.

Make sure they have
key lime pie.

That's Larry's
favorite.

I think it's gonna
be fun, you know?

I mean, I think a roast,
it's like a rite of passage

for every
Hollywood star.

Beverly:
Oh, Norman?

Norman, I-- I just, uh,
called the Beverly Hilton

and I booked
the banquet room
for Saturday.

Beverly, thank you so much.

You are welcome.

A roast sounds like
so much fun. I've never
been to one before.

Well, why don't you come out?
You know what, Beverly,

why don't you
get her a ticket, okay?

Really?
Y-- yeah.

Yeah, absolutely.

Come on, let's go in my office

and discuss this list.

What should I wear?

Is it formal?

Oh, my god girl,
if you're going
to a roast,

I gotta take you shopping.
Teach you how to dress.

Artie, I-- I heard about
the roast for Larry,

and, uh, I would--
I would like to be roastmaster.

You mean you
want to host?
No.

Uh, I believe technically
it's called "roastmastering,"

and oh, boy,
I would love to do it.

Hank, hey, we're ready for you.
Watch out.

All right, coming.
Let's go!

All right.
Well, thanks
for your interest, buddy,

but, uh, I believe we're gonna
go with Carl Reiner.

You know, he's a good friend.

I mean, he's--
he's a superb host,
and I needn't remind you

that he is a legendary comedian.

Oh, Carl Reiner.

Come on, that--
that whole stand-up
thing is-- it is over.

I mean,
"Have you noticed this?"
and "Have you noticed that?"

I could do fucking stand-up
in-- in my sleep. Uh...

um, "Hillary Clinton may be
Bill Clinton's first lady,

but she is not
his first lay."
(both chuckle)

See? I know
this stuff too.

I just don't write it down
and go to some

moth-eaten nightclub
and-- and repeat it.

Oh, thanks for reminding me,

I've got to ask
Jim Ferguson to be here.

You know, Larry started
at The Laugh Shop.

Wow. Oh. Well, come on,
come on, let-- let-- let--

let me be
the roastmaster.

The host, you know,
he has to handle the hecklers

and keep
the show moving.

Uh, it's a hard job,
and with this crowd,

I don't think you're
built for it, baby.

You don't think that
I can handle hecklers?

Hank!

Yeah, I'm coming. I'm just t--
I'm just talking to Arthur.

Yeah, no shit.
With all due respect, Arthur,

I'd like to get this done
sometime today, please.

Come on,
I'll show you.

Heckle me!
Go ahead.

Listen, I'm very busy,
and I got a sore throat.
(mutters)

Come on! Heckle me! Come on.
Don't worry, hit me hard!

Get off the stage
you fucking moron!

I've taken shits
more interesting
than you are!

You're nothing
but Larry Sanders'
personal fuck-bitch!

So, shut your
fucking fat face

and get your goddamn
bloated ass off the stage,

motherfucker!

Oh, Jesus, Artie.

Good comeback.

Hank!

Hank:
Aw, shut up!

Shut up and leave
me alone, Phil!

I'll come when
I'm goddamn ready!

Larry's waiting.

I have to go.

Uh, can we have this
conversation later?

No.
All right, thanks.

Fucking tail.

It takes time.

Dana, you have to
be there!

Dana Carvey:
I'm sorry, man.
I'm just-- I'm real busy.

Busy doing what?

You know,
movies, television.

I'm writing a movie right now,

and I'm doing
stand-up dates.
I'm busy.

You know, this-- this roast,
it's gonna be a pisser.

What press is
gonna be there?

There's gonna be
lots of press there.

Right.

Look Dana, you're
Larry's best friend

and you can
go on third.

You mean after his other
best friend, Jeffrey Dahmer?

Jeffery Dahmer is dead.

He's unavailable!

I know,
that's the joke.

What, are you in PR?

♪ Hello? ♪

Look, you know what, Dana?
You can do your--
your telegram bit.

You know, where
the famous people
send all the telegrams

and you read them.

I mean, you can do
all your voices.

I thought Larry
hated that bit?

No, Larry
loves that bit.

Oh. Oh, okay,
I'll do it.

But look,
I'm not gonna go on
after Bruno Kirby

because he owes me money
and he never brings it up.

Okay.

Oh, Bill!

Hey.
Oh, thanks for doing our show.

We're very happy
to have you.
Oh, thank you.

You know, on Saturday night,
there's going to be a roast
for Larry,

and I'm sure he would just
love it if you were there

to help turn the spit.

Um, you know,
the thing is, I've been

having kind of a tough time
getting him to commit

to doing
"Politically Incorrect"
next month.

Well, I, um, think
I can arrange that.

You're free
Saturday night?

I am as free Saturday night,
as he is next month.

(chuckles)
I'll have someone
arrange the day.

Oh, I'm so glad because

Larry will be
very pleased.

Oh, come on, Artie.
He's a friend.

You know, you--
you do things for friends.

I thought Carl Reiner was
hosting Larry's roast?

No, that's not confirmed.

But if I can prove to Artie

that I can
handle hecklers,

he'll let me
be the roastmaster.

Well, here's the deal:

when someone says
something to you,

all you gotta do is come back
with a dick-related insult.

That's it.
Give me an example.

Guy says something,

you say, "Oh, looks like
so-and-so took his dick
out of his mouth

long enough
to speak up."

(laughs)

Now, by "so-and-so,"

do you mean
the person heckling?

Yes.

I better write these down.

Oh, what if the, uh,
the heckler is a woman?

Well, same thing.
You talk about her dick.

Makes 'em crazy.

Oh, this stuff's just good
to have in real life.

Do you have
a few more?

Yeah, you could say, uh,

"Speak up. Only people
at your table know
you're an asshole."

(chuckles)
And you--
you could say, uh,

"Yeah, I don't come to your job
and knock the dick out

of your mouth
while you're trying to work."

Hey, that's a good one

because it both zings
the guy's job and his dick.

I got to go.

Well, you can blow me like
everyone else on table--

at your table.

Are you on something?

A little bit.

Uh, Bill Maher is a maybe.
Bruno Kirby is yes, uh,

Jon Stewart, he's in,
but he wants to sit
next to Larry

so there won't appear to be
any, uh, tension between them.

He's very manipulative.

Yeah, Dennis Miller's a no.

He's up in San Francisco.

He's doing another
fucking HBO special.

Wait a minute,
he told me he was
going on vacation.

Why do they have to
lie that way?

(door opens)
Hey, Stevie.

Gentlemen, Mike Ovitz eating
lunch this far away from me

did not look good.

You didn't hear it
from me, all right?

That's a swell story, Stevie,

but what's the latest news
from Roastville?

Dennis Miller passed.
He's very sick.

He's in the hospital.

Christ, it's like he wants
to be caught.
That's weird.

(door opens)
Larry: Hey, fellas.

Hey, how's it going?
Did you get Cosby?

Very close.
We're working on it, boss.

All right. Great.
In the meantime, I got you
Jerry fucking Seinfeld, Larry.

Okay, great.
That is great.

Keep up the good work.

You really got Seinfeld?
Fuckin' a.

That is wonderful.
And we also got
Kip Addotta.

Who's he?

Very simply,
he's the guy

we had to take to get
Jerry fucking Seinfeld.

(door opens)

You guys in charge
of the roast?

Yeah.

Maybe you
can help me.

What the fuck
is this shit?

I do not go on last.

Who are you?

Kip Addotta!

Of course you are!

I came up
with a lot of heckles.

I'm just not sure
they're what you want,

so why don't you
look them over first?

No!

You're a heckler.
If I read your heckles first,

that defeats
the whole purpose.

Fire away.

All right. Okay, um...
(clears throat)

"Get off the stage, you jerk."

"Don't listen
to him, everyone.

He's just saying that
because he's hung
like a mosquito."

Is "mosquito" right?

Shouldn't it be
"hung like a bee"?

"Bee."

No, I don't do those anymore.

Listen, if you
don't host this,

I'll have to give it to
Hank Kingsley.

I see what
your problem is.

I'm sorry,
I don't do roasts.

You got to.
You owe me.

I owe you for what?

For the "2,000 Year Old Man."

We know that
was my idea.

Your idea was
to tell Mel

not to do it
with a Jewish accent.

No, my idea was to tell you not
to do it with a Jewish accent.

Look, I'll do it,

just to get out
of this conversation.

(both chuckle)

Yeah.

Hank, I just
spoke to Carl Reiner.

He's hosting the roast.

Aw, that's not fair.
That's not fair at all.

Goddammit.
That's is not fair.

Come on, Hank.
Be a man.

(sighs)
I'm not going.

Come on, buddy.

You'll still be on the dais.

You'll still get to speak.

No, if I can't be roastmaster,
I don't-- I don't want to go.

You go. Have a good time.
I'll be fine.

Get me a damp cloth
and a cyanide tablet.

Is he on something?

A little bit.

Okay, Artie, here is
the final list for the roast.

Norm Crosby!
Always funny.

Al Franken.

He's witty, topical.

Oh, by the way, I changed
my mind about Jon Stewart.

I think he should sit
as far away from Larry
as possible.

He can sit in his
goddamn car, for all I care.

Oh, you got Dana Carvey!
That's terrific!

Yeah, that way, there'll
be someone there

who will say something
nice about Larry.

I'm really honored
to be here.

I'm really,
really thrilled.

A lot of friends of mine
in my little schizophrenic world

couldn't be here, and, uh,
but they sent telegrams, Lar.

Okay.

(imitates Larry)
Okay, I'm touching
my ass. All right.

(normal voice)
Um, I said I wouldn't start.

Now, here's actually a telegram.
Uh, we actually keep--

A telegram from George Bush,
and I'll just give you
a little rendering.

This is, uh, from George Bush
to Larry tonight.

"Sorry I couldn't make it
to your roast, Lar,

"but I'm bone-fishing with Barb.

Get it?
Bone, Barb, fishing?"

And he said one more thing.
"Tell Hank to shut the fuck up."

(laughter)

Oh, here's one
from Johnny Carson!

And it's kind of--
Uh, he sent it in
a sealed envelope.

I guess it was supposed
to be sort of like a...

"Shave my head
with a cheese grater,

"get a barium enema,

"and check Dom DeLuise's
ball sack for lumps.

(laughter)

"Name three things I'd rather do
than go to Larry's roast.

(laughter)

And P.S.,
tell Hank that Ed said
to shut the fuck up."

(laughter)

And I just want to say
to Bruno Kirby,

you owe me 250 bucks,
you little prick.

Where is he?

Oh, there he is. Okay.

And, uh, Larry, you're great.

(imitates Larry)
How's my hair,
how's my ass?

(normal voice)
Thank you very much.
You guys have been great.

Enjoy the rest
of the show.

Carl!
(cheers and applause)

Dana Carvey,
ladies and gentlemen.

What a shame,

Larry's best friend
and lover...

(laughter)

ending it here
where they started,
at the Beverly Hilton.

I remember the first time
I met Larry.

He was giving Dana
a Heimlich maneuver

in the restaurant
right over there.

I remember saying to him,

"Larry, why don't you two guys
put some clothes on?

"The rest of us
are eating!

We're eating here and you're
making us nauseous."

No, not these two guys.
They wouldn't stop.

Had to call the fire department
to hose them off.

But I can talk about
Larry Sanders all night.

You know, the great thing about
Larry Sanders is that, uh,

you know, he never exploited
the fact that he was
a homosexual.

(laughter)

He was gay,
he was proud,

but he didn't shove it
down anybody's throat,

and I think...
(laughter)

in this town, that goes--

You know, Rip Taylor
didn't have to throw

so much confetti
right on me.

Well, I don't think
he did it on purpose.

Most of it hit you
when he tripped over
the microphone cord.

(applause)

Remind me to
send him some flowers
at the hospital tomorrow.

I always wanted to be mistaken
for gay, you know,

because they're always
the best-looking guys.

Why is that?
Does a guy become gay

and then become
great-looking automatically,

or do great-looking guys
just look in the mirror
one day and go,

"Oh, Christ, I'm not
wasting this on chicks."

(laughter)

He's doing his act.

He's killing.

Yeah, well, he's supposed to
make fun of me.

What is that about?

I must be honest with you,
I-- I recently, uh, had,

uh, for the first time
in my life, a, uh,
a rectal exam.

I'd-- I'd never before had--
(laughter)

I'd never before had
anything up my ass.

This is not a good exam.
Have you ever had this exam?

They literally
put a camera up--

Luckily, the camera
loves me.
(laughter)

Larry Sanders
and I are lovers

and have been
for 11 years.

(laughter)
Who the fuck is that?

That's Kip Addotta.
Huh?

We had to get him
in order to get Seinfeld.
Oh.

Where's Seinfeld?

The bastard canceled
an hour ago.
(Kip speaking)

Kip:
...but Larry would always
advise me. He'd say,

"Kip, as long as
what you do

"does not hurt you
and does not hurt me,

no one has any right
to judge us for it."

Like today, we put salt
on our asses...

(laughter)

and we drove out
to that petting zoo.

Why is he doing this to me?

Oh, come on. It's what
they do at roasts.

It just sounds worse
when it's about you.

Oh, really?

Well, then I owe,
uh, Carrot Top a big apology
for last year, don't I?

Remember when I said
he would suck a cock
to win a sack race?

(laughs)
That was--
I'm such a moron.

I on-- I only meant it
to be funny. You know that.

I gotta send him
an apology.

What show is he on now?

He's doing a kid show
on Saturday.

Larry found work
on a poultry farm

taking blind turkeys
out to shit.

This asshole's
running long.

They're all going long.

Even way back in those days,
Larry always promoted safe sex.

I remember he had me go around

and tag all the sheep
that kicked.

(applause)

Okay, anyway, I've been
asked to inject some class
into this evening.

But first, I'd like to thank
the hotel for having us here.

You see, this-- this thing was
sort of like a last minute thing

and, uh, and Tom Arnold's
asshole was booked.

(laughter)

Oh, yes, the great
Carl Reiner!

(laughs)
Thank you, Hank.

Thank you, Hank.
Thank you very much.

That's the, uh, kind
of quick wit and jest

that keeps you
on Larry's couch.

(laughter)

Ah, yes.

And our next guest
is a favorite from--

Oh, I-- He's a favorite
of everyone from 100

to 300 years old.

No, no, he's actually
favorite of Larry's,

but no one else's.

(laughter)

Please welcome,

and let's hope he can
hear this introduction,

Norm Crosby!

I thought you
said "Cosby."

No, I said "Crosby"
right from the very start.

You must've
misunderstood me.

Norm:
What a night.

Thank you very much, Carl.
I got to tell you,

you are absolutely adequate.

When I first met Larry Sanders,
he was screwing my cousin.

And I didn't even know
that he knew Harvey.

(laughter)

But he looks great.
Larry always looks great.

He's on that new
Hollywood agent diet:

you can only eat
while you're being eaten.

He is an extremely bright man.
He always was.

He knows things
that most people don't know.

He knows, for example,

the similarity between
eggs Benedict and oral sex.

You just never seem to
be able to get 'em at home.

Uh, what a-- Gee,
what an honor to--
to be here, uh, roasting Larry.

It's a--
it's a great cause.

(laughter)

Earlier this year,

I did The White House
Correspondents' Dinner,

and after the dinner,
the-- the President
came up to me,

and we're kind of friends,
and he--

he said-- uh, he asked me
who-- who I thought might be

good for--
for next year's dinner,

and I said that,
you know, Larry.

I recommended Larry.

And he said,
"Gee, I don't know."

I remember what-- exactly
what the President said.

He said,
"Gee, Larry Sanders doing
his act for a half an hour?

I'd rather have Al Gore
fuck me in the ass."

(laughter)

Ladies and gentlemen,
Bruno Kirby.

(cheers and applause)

What the fuck
am I doing here?

I'm an actor.

We do two different things.

Comedians jerk off. I work.

Isn't he supposed
to be talking about me?
(Bruno speaks)

Yeah.

...like that little shit,
Dana Carvey.

He-- he-- he--

And I don't owe you $250, pal.

You owe me $250.

(laughter)

The key lime pie
is delicious.

This is the worst
fucking night of my life.

And that was
chocolate cake.

Fuckers.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Jon Stewart.

(cheers and applause)

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I have to say,
it is an honor

to be here
with Carl Reiner,

a legend who can
look back on a lifetime

of bringing
people laughter,

as opposed to Larry,
who's just old.

Um...
(laughter)

but they say that
Larry is self-centered,

and-- and I don't
think so, honestly,

'cause if Larry
could blow himself, well...

he wouldn't need
Hank, I guess. Um...

(laughter)

"Hey, why don't you speak up?

Only the people at your table
know you're an asshole."

(scattered laughter)
(stammers)

Oh, my--

Hank, is that
a heckler's retort?

"Leave me alone.
I don't come to your job

and knock the dick
out of your ass."

(laughter)

Hank, are you
on something?

A little bit.
(laughter)

Look at this.
Hank's gonna ruin
Larry's night!

It'll all turn out fine

once Larry sees
who the surprise guest is.

Is he backstage?

Yes.

I'm wetting myself.

Hang in there, buddy.
It's almost over.

(applause)
You'll be on
right after Hank.

It's really going
great, huh?
This is a fucking nightmare.

Oh, you know you love it.

Bump Hank.

You got it.
Carl: We all want to be here

because this man deserves
this kind of an evening.

And I dare say,
if he called me again,

I would be there.

Hank, we gotta
bump you, buddy.

Oh. Why?

Well, it's going
way over, you know?
Aww.

It's-- I'm sorry, sweetie.
That's the way it is.

No way, no way.
I mean, I had--

I had to sit through
their bullshit.

Keep your voice down,
will you?
No, I-- I won't.

I mean, you can--
you can bump me,

you can bump me
from the show,

but, I mean,
but you can't
shut me up.

Oh, man.
Fuck-- fuck you, Artie.

Artie: Lar, you wanna--
Just-- just fuck you, man.

Fuck me?
Fuck you.

Artie: Listen, you better
calm down right now
or I'll take you down.

Oh, you're a big man.
Big man with the threats.

What are you gonna do?
Why-- why don't you
take a swing at me?

Why don't you just do that?
I-- I'm not gonna do that.

Oh, come on, you pussy.
Why don't you do it? Come on.

Come on, big man.
Go ahead, big man.
Now don't you push me.

Oh, come on, come on--

Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Listen.

You listen to me
right now.

You either behave yourself

or I'm gonna
snap your neck
like a butter bean!

Oh, don't hurt me.
(laughing) That's--

that's Hank and--

Hank and Artie doing
their-- their mating dance.

Artie: Will you behave
yourself, Hank?
Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Okay, you sit down there.

All right. Okay.
Get out of here.

Okay.
Carl: As you can see,
the evening is winding down.

Look away, please.
Avert your eyes.

(laughter)

What are you
looking at?
Carl: Well, Larry,

you're a special man.
Larry Sanders.
Thank-- thank you.

(applause)

But before you speak,
we have one last surprise.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Carrot Top!

(applause)

How are you?
Now have a seat.

How are you?
(laughs)

No, stay seated please!

Stay seated!

Okay, come on, guys!
I thought I had stuff.

Here we go. Okay.
I brought stuff.

I thought you--
God, I thought my hair was big.

You have a huge head.

All right, here we go.

I made this to wear
when I go out looking for girls,

this way I'm the best looking
one in the group.

Hey, all right, see?
It's Larry-- Larry and--
(laughter)

That sucked.
You can wear that one. Okay.

Hey, this is great!
It's a-- it's a plate.

It's a-- it's a plate
for bulimics.

See, they can eat, mm-mm...

(retches)

(applause)

Carrot Top:
Wow!

You know, it's now time
to pay tribute

to a man who
needs no introduction,

and definitely
not his own TV show,

but as you can see,
that's too fucking late.

Please welcome
the man of the hour,

or as most women know him,
as "The Minute Man,"

please welcome
Larry Sanders.

(cheers and applause)

(mutters)

That was great.

Thank you.

Uh, first of all, uh,
let me start by saying,

uh, that everyone I love
is here tonight...

and, um...

what an honor.

(theme music playing)