Original subtitles

Artie: All right, I've said it before,

but it's obvious I'm going to have to say it again.

Now, producing a quality television program

demands discipline,

a sustained level of professionalism and focus.

If you're gonna sit around all day with your thumb up your ass,

sooner or later that will impact the show.

Why don't you get me the, uh, this roll-up sweater.

Oh, nice. That's a nice one, huh?

Yeah, what color? In, uh...

I don't know. Arthur?

I called to confirm Sigourney Weaver for tonight like you asked.

Right. She canceled.

Her kid is sick.

I hate when people use their children as an excuse.

Mary Lou, that's the reason people in Hollywood have kids.

Now, I'm gonna let this pass this time 'cause you're new,

but from now on, don't you ever come in here

and discuss a cancellation in front of Larry

because it makes him upset. Can't you see that?

You know what looks great? This woodland jacket

in, uh, in oyster. Okay.

But you don't have to worry because there's no problem.

Sigourney Weaver's agent is also Angie Dickinson's agent,

and they said she would love to do the show.

Hank: Wow, Angie Dickinson!

Boy, I'd like to have that policewoman put me in a choke hold.

You know, frisk me, baby.

Whoa, do I have a concealed weapon for you.

Shut up, Hank. Officer, Officer,

turn off that siren and let's fuck.

Okay, come on, the meeting is over!

Let's get out of here, chop, chop!

But I have some old business.

Chop, chop!

Which color? I think you should get all of them.

Okay.

I don't think he's done, Artie.

He's done.

I was just-- I was just finishing...

I was just getting some sweaters.

We have a real problem here, Larry.

What, you think I'm ordering too much?

It's just-- I was just getting a jacket-- Larry...

Have you ever had a woman,

you know, any woman that had such a...

strange power over you

that, uh, she scrambled your brains,

makes you so hot

that all you can do is think with your dick?

You're gonna have to be more specific.

I have a woman like that. Yeah.

Her name is Angie Dickinson.

You used to date her, right?

Yes and no.

What does that mean?

Well, we had a lot of hot sex,

but we never left the house. Mm-hmm.

I mean, when I'm around Angie I just can't help myself.

She's like a siren

calling for me to smash my nuts upon the rocks.

I mean, Angie's like, you know,

she's like, uh... booze to me.

The only difference with Angie is I...

I don't know when to stop.

Ha! Okay, it's not that different.

But will you just help me with this one?

You wanna bump her?

No. Just bump her.

She's a great guest.

But I just-- I can't be alone with her.

And you can't leave me alone with her!

That's what I'm asking you to do, okay?

Would you just do this favor for me this one time, buddy?

I'm serious. You got it.

Okay. All right.

You're a peach. Yeah.

Beverly, bring the catalog back in, please.

Fuck, man, he's been in there for 10 minutes.

What's he doing? Maybe I should go in and check?

Don't go in there. Oh, come on.

No, you're gonna make him really uncomfortable--

Hi, Mr. Rickles, I'm--

I'm Brian. I'm Hank's assistant.

Oh, hi, nice to meet you.

Yeah, I'm Phil. I'm the head writer.

Oh, hello, Phil. How you doing?

Fine, thanks. Nice to meet you.

Yeah, we're really, really big fans of yours.

Yeah, you're the king.

I don't know about the king, but thanks so much.

It's nice to hear. Yeah.

Hey, uh, could you insult us?

Well, not really.

You know, I don't do that. I do that for-- you know, when you get paid.

Oh. Oh, I know. But just a little one.

No, not really.

You see, but I really like to relax before I do the show.

You understand? Mm-hmm.

We were just hoping like, maybe one little zinger each.

Just, you know, call me a hockey puck, or---

Just one? Oh, please.

It'd really mean a lot to us.

You really want it?

Please? That'd be great.

You want it? Both barrels? Yes. Yeah.

You must have come out of your mother on an angle

and hit the wall. (laughing)

You got a funny-looking body. And get rid of that little

fag cadet suit you're wearing with all those buttons.

I like the teeth. There's a new thing I call "the dentist."

You go see him.

Teeth are starting to go bad.

I'm a friend. Really going bad.

Get the hands out of the pockets, huh?

You're gonna go blind.

You don't need that. Okay.

I like your smile. Oh, thanks.

Are you a queer? Nah.

Hey, you don't have to lie to me.

Not the last time I checked.

(laughing) Hey, I'll do the funny stuff.

Shut up. You're getting on my nerves.

Okay, guys, that's it. I had it with you guys, okay?

Thanks. That was great.

Thanks a lot. You liked it?

Yeah. You did great.

Hank: There he is, Mr. Warm.

Hi, Hank. Hey.

Good to see you. How goes it?

Listen, Don, could you do me a mitzvah?

Um, that, um...

That thing you did-- that voice thing-- Disney, the toy, uh...

"Toy Story." "Toy Story."

I can't get my foot in the door at Disney.

I mean, it's like I shit in Pluto's dish or something.

And could you do something?

Could you maybe talk to somebody over there?

Maybe mention Hank Kingsley's name?

Yeah, I could make a call.

Oh, man, you are...

You're the-- You're just the best.

Don, I don't know if we've ever talked about this,

but I knew television was in deep, deep trouble

the day they took "C.P.O. Sharkey" off the air.

You know? Because what I feel is the--

It was just such a loss for all of us, you know? (locks door)

We're back with Don Rickles.

Now, during the break, Don, we will return to that.

What is that word you used

that refers to someone who's asking for too much?

What is it? It's called a "chazer."

What is that? Is that a-- How do you spell that?

What am I, with the Mossad?

I don't know, I just--

I heard you use the word and I didn't know what it meant.

Well, when it's a Jew hour we'll talk about chazer.

Here's a man that's a nebbish.

Right. And that is a...? That means, as you can see,

does nothing, just sits there and smells his hand for...

(laughing)

And that's a nebbish. That's a nebbish.

Should we move on? You want to stay on for Angie Dickinson?

You kidding? I wouldn't miss it.

Okay, why don't we-- You see how that woman looks?

Please welcome the very beautiful Angie Dickinson.

Angie!

(cheers and applause)

Thank you.

You know, I have to say, I'm sorry to keep you waiting

while Don and I rambled.

But he was hot, and he was on,

and the audience, you know, loves him.

Oh, yes, well, I do, too.

Don't you?

Look at that.

So, so you mentioned that you were, uh, something about Ireland?

Yeah, well, I made a picture over there.

What picture was that?

It was called "The Sun, the Moon and the Stars."

And that was in Ireland? In Ireland.

And I have a wonderful story that happened on the set,

but it might be a little too long to tell.

But I'd love-- How much time-- Excuse me, I'm sorry.

How much time do we have, Artie, before we go to a commercial?

Oh, Artie, there you are!

Yeah.

Do you know that your producer is a very sexy man?

Yes, the entire band kind of...

Why don't we hose these two down before they're out of control.

I think you've been hiding from me.

Oh, I could never hide from you, my dear.

Artie, forget about it, eh? You're old, it's over.

Go out to the cemetery and pick out a plot.

Don't pick on him. He's really sexy.

Eh, well, it's a matter of taste. I never embraced him.

I have my girl.

Why don't we take a break and we'll come right back.

No flipping.

Angie, I'm gonna have a PA come and get the rest of your things.

Okay, thank you, Beverly.

You sure that's not too heavy?

Oh, no, it's fine.

Okay, thanks.

(knocks) Hey.

I just wanted to tell you how great you were tonight.

Thank you for doing the show. Just terrific. Thank you. Oh, I had...

a wonderful time. You're welcome back anytime.

Oh, thank you. Honestly.

I wonder if I could see Artie

before I go? He's just doing some post-show stuff.

And I, um...

He wanted me to say goodbye and thank you.

As do I.

Well, you know, I...

I've known him a long time. Yes.

I know. We met in New York City. He's a very special man.

He is. You sure he's not...

Oh, my-- Oh, my gosh. Hey.

Oh, excuse me, Larry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. It's all right. It's okay.

I'll put my things away.

It's all right, buddy, we're good.

I just want to have a proper couple of minutes with Angie.

We haven't seen each other for...

Again, you were just great. Thank you.

And I wish-- Mm. Oh God.

Let's go.

Let me talk to you-- I wanna talk to you.

I wanna talk to you about something. Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, thank you.

Some of the monologue stuff. Forgive me.

Please, forgive me.

Angie (muffled): Oh, watch out for the fruit! Oh no, watch out!

He's just thanking her for doing the show.

Mr. Rickles did "Toy Story" for us.

He was fantastic.

So when he called and mentioned your name,

we thought, uh, what an interesting idea.

Well, I've always wanted to, uh, work with Disney.

I once sat next to Michael Eisner on a plane.

Is that right?

No. No, not really.

He'd been on the plane the flight before mine.

You could still feel the Eisner in the air.

Right. Um, shall we...

Sure. Want me to read the part of Hercules, huh?

Maybe I should have let my hair grow out.

I'm sorry? Hercules.

He let his hair grow out.

And, you know, when they cut it, he was weak.

That's Samson.

I don't think so.

Let's give it a shot.

This is the scene where

Hercules sets off to perform the first of his 12 labors.

Is he a gynecologist?

That's very good. Thank you.

Any questions?

Do I get the part? Joking. Joking.

Let's give it a shot.

Let's get ready to rumble.

Man: All set?

Mm-hmm.

Hank Kingsley, Hercules, take one.

Page three.

Hear me now, my father.

Take over. Take over.

Take two.

Hear me now, my father.

Hear me now, oh great and mighty Zeus.

Eurys... theus sends me to kill the terrible lion...

of Nemea,

a beast no weapon can wound.

But I shall wound it and I shall kill it.

And it shall be done with my two hands only.

For with the aid of my new friends,

Grea the magpie,

and Tivius the beaver,

there is no labor that can defeat

the good and powerful Hercules!

(doorbell ringing)

Coming.

Yeah, I know it's late, but I just gotta talk to you.

Yeah, well, you know, it's late.

What is it? Yes, uh, you know,

I'm sorry about pushing you out

and giving you the bum's rush out of Angie's dressing room.

No, it's fine. I'm that way when Siegfried and Roy are on.

It's fine, really.

Woman: Larry? Don't worry about it, I swear--

Is something wrong?

Oh, gee, I'm sorry. I didn't know you had anybody here.

Um...

Artie, this is-- this is Laura Leighton.

Laura, this is Artie.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Oh, "Melrose Place"!

Hey, you're wonderful. I watch it. I'm just hooked.

Hey.

Yeah, we're not on the show now.

Right. Right.

Nice to see you.

I'm sorry. I didn't know you were here.

Yeah, that's all right.

If you will excuse me,

I will be in the kitchen.

Okay. Just a-- Thank you very much.

It'll be just one minute. Just a minute.

Glad you got something going on.

You know, I'm crazy about her.

Well, so you understand, I'm on the way to the airport.

I just want to say goodbye before I left.

Where you going?

Italy.

Angie's got a villa in Venice

and she asked me to stay with her there

and I gotta go. I just can't help myself.

I know it's wrong, but I gotta go.

Yeah, roughly how long would you be going?

Oh, just three days. Oh, just three days!

Okay, I'll leave you lovebirds. I hope you find what I found. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, I hope so.

Ciao. Ciao, padrino. Yeah.

What is it you found exactly?

There.

Now let's see...

to, um...

to our first day in Italy.

Many more like it. Oh. Mm-hmm.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

I'm afraid we're getting in a little bit of a rut, sweetie.

All we've done since we got here is drink wine and screw.

What do you suggest?

Tomorrow let's switch to beer.

(laughing)

I'm so glad you came with me.

We haven't had this much fun since we did that shoot in Albuquerque.

Remember that?

That terrible storm that came up and then the power went out?

Oh, that's when the fun began.

Yes. Yes.

Ooh, yes.

Are you glad you came?

Load, rock and roll, baby!

This boy is ecstatic.

Oh, I don't know. When you got out of the shower you seemed a little distracted.

Oh, you caught me.

Well, I was just a little worried about Larry.

You know, leaving him in the lurch the way I did.

I'm sure Larry is just fine.

Not without me, he isn't.

You know, I think it's amazing

to see two people that can live together and work together.

You know, you think you'd get sick of each other.

Well, it allows me to keep an eye on him.

Heh. I can see why that would be important.

Can we-- Could we turn that off?

Wait, you have to see this funny scene.

No, no, I've seen-- I've seen this one.

Shh-shh-shh-shh. No, I've seen this one.

Please? Please, can we turn it off?

You have never even seen "Melrose Place."

Yes, I have.

It's good. You know who's really good in this one?

David Schwimmer.

He's hilarious in this one.

Very fucking funny.

I know.

What do you want to do tonight?

Well, tonight I'd really like to stay in.

And do what?

You read my mind.

Why don't we... Why don't we have dinner on the terrace

and watch the boats?

Well, uh...

please, not tonight.

Unless they're planning to open fire on each other.

Why don't we just watch some television.

We haven't had it on since we got here.

Well, congratulations, Arthur.

Two whole days in Venice without watching TV.

I can watch the boats without you.

Angie, come here!

What is it?

This is the Best of Larry from two seasons ago.

(TV playing in Italian)

Then you've seen it. Oh, many times.

Arthur, you don't speak Italian.

Si. Molto poco.

Why are you watching this?

Silenzio! Mi scusi.

Just wait for this.

(laughs)

Oh, he's just like Marcel Marceau.

Larry's a killer in any language.

Oh, can you get that?

(laughing)

Can we turn this off?

Larry (on TV): Let me ask you something.

What is this thing?

You know, if this was "Melrose Place,"

you'd be glued to it.

You've already seen this.

Not on TV.

What do you want from me? This is my job.

I gotta see how it plays in the Italian market.

I want you to acknowledge what I said.

Is that too much to ask? No.

What'd you say?

Arthur, you say you want to be here,

but you don't.

You're fine the first couple of days,

and then everything seems to go wrong.

And it happens every time we're together

more than three or four days.

I try to talk to you about it,

and you just lash out.

I don't lash out at you.

You do.

Well, fuck you, then.

You know, you're just a gorgeous woman, Angie,

but you've got some problems yourself.

I don't throw 'em in your face.

Well, at least I'm not some sicko

watching some stupid show from two years ago.

Oh, I'm a sicko, okay.

But don't you dare call my show stupid.

Don't do that! That's not what I meant and you know it!

Listen, just give me a break, will ya?

If "Dressed to Kill" were on right now,

you'd be humping the set crying out,

"Mama mia!"

I knew this was gonna happen! It's just like Albuquerque!

You're a prick.

Just give me five goddamn minutes!

Then we can take the fucking boat!

Do I look any different?

No. Well, I should

because I am playing Hercules!

Hey! They want me!

They want me! Oh, congrats.

Hey, what's going on?

Disney wants me!

What are they doing, a live-action version of "Dumbo"?

'Cause you throw on 40 pounds, little gray makeup,

you're gonna be great.

Hey! Hey, what are you doing, asshole?

This is a warning, my friend.

You do not mess with Hercules.

I killed my wife, I killed my children,

and I shall kill you if you do not temper thy tongue.

What, are you fucking insane, Hank?

I know not this Hank you speak of.

As of this day, when you cast your eye upon me,

you shall see only one man.

And that man is...

Hercules!

Hahahahahahaha!

(laughing continues)

Hey, hi. Hank: Hey!

Thanks for coming in. Thank you.

Thank you for the part of Hercules.

Uh, no, Hank.

When we said we wanted you to come in for "Hercules,"

we meant "Hercules" the project.

Not Hercules the role.

Who's playing Hercules?

We went with Tate Donovan.

Tate Donovan?

I...

Uh, excuse me,

I don't mean to question your judgment,

but one of my balls is as big as Tate Donovan.

Well, we're going with him.

I can't--

Uh, all right.

Well, what am I-- What am I doing here?

Well, we want you to play the role of Iggus.

Who the fuck is Iggus?

Oh, Ig-- Hank, Iggus is a great role.

He's Hercules', uh... partner.

He's Hercules' partner.

He's always getting into all these little scrapes

and Hercules has to come and rescue him-- He's the village idiot.

Well, I wouldn't say that.

Well, that's what it says right here in the stage directions.

"Iggus, the village idiot, enters,

"a sad little stump of a man with a sorry mustache.

"He's being pelted with stones by a band of toughs.

"He cries out for Hercules

in his funny squeal of a voice."

I don't think so.

Are you kidding, Hank? This is a perfect part for you.

You're living his life.

Are you saying that being a village idiot is my life?

(laughs) Good luck with the film.

And hey, good luck casting that part.

Hank... It's good.

You're making a mistake, Hank.

It's a great part. It's the part for you.

Michael Eisner thinks Iggus is the best character in the film.

Do you think that when Iggus gets in trouble

he could say, uh, "Hey now"?

Mmm.

Well, well, well, look who's back.

Is that your tail I see between your legs?

Not my tail. Where's Larry?

He's in his office.

How'd that guy turn out, the one I sent over?

Ugh, um...

Good. I still got a job?

Well, you're the producer, right?

So, Larry asked me to move in with him.

Oh. And are you going to?

I don't know.

It's too fast.

You know, I'm just not sure that I'm ready

to be be in a relationship with someone in show business.

No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I don't understand.

You're in show business?

Exactly.

But-- Artie: Oh, scusi!

Oh, you got cleaned up pretty fast.

Hey, Arthur, how did it go in Italy?

Mmm. Relationships are tough.

Mary Lou: Excuse me, Laura?

You have a phone call from Martin Scorsese.

Great. That is the phone call I've been waiting for.

You know what, Laura, you can take it in the writer's room.

It'd be more private. Okay, thanks.

And we'll talk about that thing.

Well, I told Larry you're here.

You want me to take you to him?

No, I'll find him.

I feel like such an idiot.

We were on vacation for Christ's sake!

You know, started out good.

But then she wanted to talk about my peccadilloes,

my mood swings, my temper,

my stubbornness, my obsession with Glenlivet.

You know, the whole fucking laundry list.

So once again, I walk alone.

You know what, Artie?

I'm glad you're back.

I'm so glad you're back.

Thank you, Beverly.

Oh, shit.

What? I thought she was in London. She's here!

Who? Angie!

She won't let me get away.

Well, you want me to go and get rid of her for you?

No, I've got to confront this.

I've gotta put a stop to it, once and for all.

I understand that you are doing a movie.

Is that right?

Well, I'm not doing a movie, I'm doing...

The voice-over. No, I'm doing a voice

for a project at the Disney company called "Hercules."

(audience applauds) Oh, well, congratulations.

But I'm not playing Hercules.

They offered my Hercules,

but I'm playing a much better role.

A stretch for me, Yeah?

the role of Iggus.

The village idiot?

You're not-- You're not supposed to call it that.

Well. You want to do a little of the voice?

Why don't you do a little of the voice,

and then we'll be the judge.

Well, I... We don't--

We really don't have time.

We'll take a break and we'll come right back.

No flipping.

Man: Clear!

Great show.

Listen, I'm really sorry.

I forgot to ask you how that conversation went with Angie.

All's well. Good. Good. Good.

'Cause I imagine that must have been very, very difficult.

It was, but it's cool now.

She's on her way to Mexico,

and her flight leaves in an hour.

What time's your flight?

Heh. 9:30.

I'll be back on Monday, I swear.

Thank you, buddy.

(theme music playing)