Original subtitles

Hey, Kevin.

You on the show again tonight?

Nope. Just hanging out.

Why are you putting makeup on at noon?

No, this isn't makeup. This is a bronzer.

I-- I don't get outside much anymore, so, uh,

you know, I just feel pasty.

Yeah. Looks good.

Thank you. Looks good.

Goes great with your lipstick.

Now, what is this, some kind of face caulk?

Please-- please don't touch that.

Oh.

Hey, you want to shoot some hoops later?

No, I can't. I'm-- I'm doing the show.

Oh! That's right.

(whistling)

How's your career going?

Oh, I got nothing.

Oh.

Nah, I'm only kidding.

I'm very happy, actually.

Good.

Could I have your job?

No.

Got any stay-hard cream? No, I used it all.

Hey, you mind if I borrow some of your bronzer for my penis?

It doesn't get out much. It's looking a little pasty. All right. Yeah.

When does that expire? Put it down.

How many more?

Beverly, how many more writers?

Send 'em in.

One more.

I liked the last guy.

(door opens)

Beverly: Uh, Larry,

Artie, Phil, this is Wendy. Wendy Traston. Hi.

Hi. Dave Letterman. Hi.

(laughing)

Wendy. Hi.

Hi. Hey. Hi.

I hope you don't mind if I eat during this.

Not at all. I encourage it.

Would you like a pita?

No. I can't.

I can't eat anything out of a man's pocket.

(laughter)

We're off!

So, I loved your material.

I particularly liked this, uh, prison joke.

Yeah, about, um, punishing criminals by making the prison bars

horizontal so the prisoners feel fatter. Feel fatter.

Larry does all the punch lines around here.

Whoops. Sorry.

That's okay. You didn't know.

So you've never, uh, written for a talk show before.

No, but I've seen a lot of talk shows. Ah.

I see that you worked for "Spy Magazine."

Artie: Ooh! That's good.

Yeah. For three years, but I-- I want to break into television.

As do I.

Something else we have in common.

(laughter)

Hey, so, uh, why do you want to work on this show

as opposed to, uh, let's say, uh...

"Jay Leno"?

I like this show better. Really? Have you heard it's tough over there?

Because, uh, I'm hearing a lot of bad things

about what's going on over there.

Really? Yeah, we just had a writer come in,

he said it's a fucking sweatshop over there. Really?

Oh, yeah. Artie: Oh, he's just setting you up.

You know, we all love Jay around here. He's just kidding you.

Thank you so much, Wendy. Pleasure. Okay. Okay.

We'll be in touch. Right this way.

I know this seems short to you, but you just were terrific.

Yeah? Well, thanks. I should probably-- Would you like a--

a piece of sandwich to go?

Excellent. Hey, there you go.

Thank you. Whoa. That's okay, we're only gonna have to freeze it.

You know, I, uh, like her.

I like her, too.

You guys sound like an Irish Spring commercial.

Let's remember that she has not worked on a talk show.

Artie: But she's funny! Yeah.

She's a Harvard grad. Artie: So what?

All Harvard grads are arrogant, Artie.

What college did you go to, Phil?

El Camino State.

Oh, good welding school.

A lot of arrogant welders there.

Larry, girls just aren't that funny.

And I'm the head writer. Does my opinion count at all?

See if she can start tomorrow.

Look at this picture.

Charlie Sheen's really putting on weight.

Yeah, when you quit hookers, you put on 10 pounds.

That's why I wear the patch-- the pussy patch.

I'm wearing one right now.

I used to wear it over my eye for the look of it.

Arr, fuck my eye, matey.

(laughs)

Can we get something we could use, please?

I've got one.

"Dr. Jack Kevorkian recently attended his 41st suicide.

"He announced that the 50th suicide

would receive a free tote bag."

Ha. That's funny. Wendy: I have some.

Uh, "Police in Los Angeles finally arrested

"the Energizer Bunny for running every red light

he's seen since 1989."

Well, Larry doesn't do bunny jokes, okay?

I like that one. I like bunny jokes.

Well, then you can use it tonight

to impress the girls at the whorehouse.

Hey, man, I don't need jokes

to impress the girls at the whorehouse.

Has somebody been fucking the couch

'cause I can't figure out what this is on here.

Nice ones. Huh?

Wendy: I know, they're nice ones.

All right, I knew this was gonna happen.

Could you guys get to work, please?

I have a joke.

"Marion Barry--" Chris Case, please.

I'm sorry, go on. I'm-- I'm listening. Okay.

"Marion Barry today... Hey, man, how's it going?

"drank a big glass of... Yeah, do you have Louise's number for me?

"city water at a press conference... Hey, Eddie, give me your...

to prove it was safe." Thank you.

Hello, ladies. Hey, hey, hey. How's it going?

Is everyone treating you all right?

Yeah. Good.

So what's the deal, Kevin?

You, uh, do the show last night and sleep over?

Yeah. I think I found the mint you left on the pillow.

That's not a mint.

(laughter)

Hey, does anyone have any stay-hard cream?

Oh, that stuff doesn't work.

Larry, you're being hard on yourself.

I wish you could be Hank. Man, that would be sweet.

Oh, let's all wish hard.

Hey, now. I heard that.

Hank: Hey, did anybody see, uh, Prince Charles on TV last night?

That guy's a loser.

(bad British accent) 'Ello. 'Ello.

Quite right. Quite right.

Look at my ear.

That is great. I love John Wayne.

(laughter) Phil: I thought it was George Gobel.

No, it's-- it's Prince Charles.

And you guys can go fuck yourselves.

Larry: Bye, ladies.

I still say it was John Wayne.

Phil, um... Hmm?

Has Larry said anything about my jokes?

What do you mean?

I mean he's not using any of them,

so I'm assuming he's passing on them.

Has he said anything or?

No, but that's because I haven't given him any of your jokes.

I've written a hundred jokes.

He hasn't seen one joke?

It's my job to pick the ones that I think are best,

and if you can write something in that category,

I'll let him see it.

But until then, I can't waste his time.

Fucker.

Any of these Wendy's?

No, and believe me, I'm saving you a lot of trouble.

Mm-hmm. What's the problem?

Well, they're not really jokes, necessarily.

They're more like an expression of her feelings.

Ahh. Funny feelings?

Well, yeah, yeah, they're hilarious

if you're doing a Tracey Ullman sketch.

Phil, you know, um, I-- I don't get it.

She seems very funny to me.

Are you telling me in the week she's been here

there's not one joke that's worth submitting?

Larry, girls just aren't that funny.

Phil isn't even trying to hide it.

He just stood there and told me

he's not giving my jokes to Larry.

And the other writers aren't sticking up for me

because they gotta watch out for themselves, you know?

Yeah, well, the problem is it's just a boys club.

What do you need? Oh, gosh, a tampon.

You wouldn't happen to have one?

No. Oh, you know, Wendy,

men just don't find women funny, but I'm funny.

I'm funny all day long around Larry.

You know, I, um, I hid my tampons

because somebody was stealing 'em.

Now I can't remember where I hid 'em.

I do that with my boyfriends.

Oh, shoot. You got some change? Yeah.

No, don't. Oh, thanks.

I just feel like this situation is so fucked up

that maybe I'll just pitch my jokes directly to Larry.

Uh, that's not a good idea.

Uh, you want Larry to see your jokes, you give them to me.

I'll make sure Larry sees them.

Really? Yeah.

Thank you, Beverly.

Thank you so much.

(whispering) Artie! Artie! Pssst!

Why is Kevin Nealon hanging around?

Because he's Larry's friend. You know what I mean.

No, afraid I don't, Hank.

His career is over. He says so.

So, one day he gets the brainy idea

to start hanging out here with Larry,

and the next thing you know, I am out on my ass.

I am not a stupid man, Artie.

I don't agree with a single thing you've just said, Hank.

I want you to stop this before you wind yourself up

and make yourself sick.

I'll tell you who's making me sick.

Kevin Nealon. Kevin Nealon. Kevin Nealon.

♪ Kevin and Larry sitting in a tree, K-l-S-S-I-N-G ♪

What's wrong with your face, sweetie?

You look like a pumpkin.

Oh, Jesus, can't a man wear a little bronzer?

I am sure if Kevin wore bronzer, everyone would just love it.

"Oh, Kevin. Oh, Kevin."

That Hank is one crazy son of a bitch.

There's tampons in my desk drawer. These are Beverly's.

(phone beeps) Beverly?

Beverly: Yeah, Lar? Are-- are these your tampons in my desk drawer?

Oh, my gosh. That's where I hid 'em.

I'll be right in.

You know what's a pity is if I had it to do over again,

this thing with Kevin Nealon, wouldn't be a bad way to go,

but we can't do that now, can we?

No, we can't.

(door opens)

Oh, thanks.

Here you go, sweetie. You're welcome.

(chuckles)

What are these?

Oh, those are, uh, Wendy's jokes.

Oh, why are you giving them to me?

You know, I just think they're really funny.

You know, especially the ones I marked. Oh.

The Vatican said, uh, Pope John Paul II

will take a-- a couple of weeks to

recover from, uh, an appendectomy,

which seems like a long time to me,

because the Lord himself died and was up and around in three days.

(audience laughs and applauds)

Larry: Scientists--

Uh, scientists actually say in a-- a recent study

that 10,000 years from now, Disneyland and Disney World

will actually be touching. (audience laughs)

Were those your jokes?

No. They were mine.

No, they're not.

Wendy, are those your jokes?

Uh, yeah.

Funny. You guys are funny.

Anyone have any crack? (laughs)

Can I see you for a second?

(Larry continues monologue)

How did your jokes get in the monologue?

Oh, I don't know, Phil. I guess Larry thought they were funny.

How did Larry see them?

Oh, how did the funny get through?

Yeah. Oh, I gave my jokes to Beverly

and I guess she passed them on to Larry.

Oh, my Marion Barry joke.

Larry: ...a glass of tap water

at a press conference and then said

that he next would personally guarantee

the safety of the city's tar heroin supply.

(audience laughing)

Good morning, Beverly.

Good morning, Keith.

Hey, could you do me a favor?

Could you give these jokes to Larry?

Uh-- I realize it's an imposition,

but Phil just doesn't get me. Doesn't get my comedy.

I mean, I'm just--

I'm thinking of Larry here, you know?

I--I-- I don't-- These are funny jokes.

I don't think it's a good idea, Keith.

Why, 'cause I'm not a girl?

No, because you're to give those jokes to Phil,

Phil's to give them to Larry,

and that is how it works around here.

Then why did you give him Wendy's?

Because she is new and she needed my help.

Beverly...

I have prostate cancer.

Thanks.

Where is everybody?

Well, they all gave their jokes to Beverly and they left.

You must be so proud.

I'm sorry, am I in your chair?

Your mother must have really fucked you up, Phil.

What does that have to do with the fact

that you went over my head?

Okay, so what was I supposed to do?

Curl up at your feet

and beg you to give Larry my jokes? Those jokes?

Those lame observations about shopping that you call jokes?

Oh, my God! Oh-- I--

I've never written a joke about shopping, Phil. Uh-huh.

But you wouldn't know that because you don't read my jokes.

Why-- why are-- why are these jokes all cut up?

Uh, that's my little system.

You see, that makes it easier to move around.

Uh-huh. And, um, uh, each one is on different colored paper

because each writer has a different color.

I see, then how come there's only one green one?

Uh, that's, um, Ed's. He's not pulling his weight.

All right. Let's find the Ross Perot joke.

I'll start with that. Okay, uh...

I think it's blown off of your desk. (door opens)

Blown off?

Oh, I found it. What the fuck is this?

Did Rip Taylor just come through here?

Uh, we're assembling the monologue.

Oh, this is what this is. Okay.

Beverly, help me with this mess.

Wait a minute. Don't forget Ed's.

Oh, fuck Ed. He's not pulling his weight.

Get that other shit. Put it on here, will you?

And you treated me like shit since day one, so fuck you.

Artie: Oh!

Here's tonight's monologue, Phil.

Looks like a very funny one.

Yeah, well, that's her fault.

Oh, I see, Alibi Ike.

She runs the department now?

Now, I know you think women aren't funny, Phil,

but don't give me that shit.

Phil, it's your job to keep the system from fucking up

so Larry, our star, has a monologue to do each night.

Now, if you can't do your job, please tell me that now

so I can do my job and fire your sorry ass.

You've got exactly 20 minutes

to put a hilarious monologue on cue cards

or you're out of here.

Don't you get a swelled head, young lady,

because I'm afraid the same thing goes for you, too.

Good job, Phil.

Look, Wendy, I admit

that I have some issues with my mother.

She hurt me as a child, probably. Um...

maybe even abused me. Cut the shit, Phil.

Please, this isn't easy for me.

I have been under a lot of pressure lately

and I may have acted like a scumbag.

No, no, no, no. I have been a scumbag.

And I think that you're paying for the pain that I've endured

from chicks who I've dated in the past who screwed me up.

Oh, wow-- That would be interesting

if we were going out, but we're not going out.

I just want to get jokes in the monologue.

Great! Well, I think we're speaking the same language.

And would you like to help me write the monologue now?

Before Artie kicks our asses?

Yeah. Yeah.

We need one more. Yeah. What about Ed?

Ed? What-- what color is Ed? I don't know. Fuck that.

Okay, wait, I got one. "The use of methamphetamines is on the rise in North Dakota.

Officials say they got suspicious when..."

Shit! Beverly cut the punch line.

"Officials got suspicious when they..." When they...

When they... they did nothing quick-lier! There were doing

nothing quick-lier. When they did nothing much more quickly.

Nothing much more quickly. Great.

Hey, where'd you get that?

Oh, I told Artie I like Snapple,

so he sent someone out to get me a case.

(chuckles)

I want to tell you that I-- I just think you're a great guy.

Well, thanks, Hank. I think you're a great guy, too.

Well, thank you. Hey, you want a Snapple?

Are you trying to get my job?

I just need to know. Are you?

I don't want your job.

Yes you do. Come on.

I don't want your job.

Come on.

Hank... you're a sidekick.

Please. That's not what I do.

Doesn't even interest me.

You're an asshole.

Why don't you go back to "SNL" for another nine years?

You think people are sitting around Hollywood going,

"I wish I could have Hank Kingsley's job

because then I'd have it made"?

I don't want your job.

You sit on a couch every night just kissing up to Larry.

You're pathetic.

I'd fucking kill myself if I had your job.

(pained breathing)

Ooh... What is--

Oh, my God. Oh, God.

Hang on. See?

You've gone and made yourself sick.

I'm calling the hospital.

(pained breathing continues)

"Live on tape from Hollywood,

"'The Larry Sanders Show''

"Tonight, join Larry and his guests

"Bette Midler,

"singer Shawn Colvin,

"and exotic bird expert Tim Pethler.

"And me, Kevin Nealon, filling in for

"'Hey now' Hank Kingsley.

"And now, because he just can't stop doing the macarena,

Larry Sanders!"

(audience cheers and applauds)

Nealon, thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

Madonna said she's actually going to, uh,

breastfeed her daughter,

and, uh, what's particularly nice is Madonna said

she can go right to the front of the line.

(audience laughs and applauds)

Nice to see Dennis Rodman back in a Chicago's Bull uniform

as opposed to that tank top, tube top combo,

miniskirt thing he wears. (audience laughs)

Hey, uh, after the show,

what do you say we go out and get something to eat?

No.

Why not?

Because your mother fucked you up, remember?

Listen, I'm gonna be honest now.

I just made all that kind of stuff of up

just so that you would help me out with the monologue.

Really? Yeah.

Wow.

You must get laid almost never.

(audience cheers and applauds)

We'll be right back. Don't go. Don't go.

Very funny monologue.

Well, thanks, and thanks for... thanks for the help.

Honestly, you couldn't have--

I love doing the show with you.

I hope that you're, you know, uh, having fun,

and thanks for filling in.

Oh, hey, I'm-- I'm having a great time. Yeah.

This is just wonderful.

I'm-- I'm-- I couldn't think-- Good.

Well, it's tough to top what happened to me this afternoon.

You know, Cindy Crawford called me at home.

That's right. You're kidding.

Yeah, evidently she has caller I.D.

Hey... (audience laughs)

who would have known?

Oh, my God.

You are... Honestly, you're hilarious.

You're hilarious.

You're very funny yourself.

Like I said, that monologue was killer.

That's 'A' shelf.

You know, I said, "You're hilarious."

You said, "You're very funny."

They're not... they're not equivalent at all.

No, I know that.

One is -- one is funny, and one is hilarious.

I specifically said, "You're hilarious."

Yes, you did, but do you see the word "funny" in "hilarious"?

No.

(audience laughs)

It's time to bring out my favorite guest.

And mine. And you know--

you know her and you love her.

Her new CD is called, uh, "A Few Small Repairs."

This is it, and she's gonna sing "Get Out of This House."

Please welcome Shawn Colvin. Shawn Colvin.

(audience cheers and applauds)

♪ Go jump in the lake ♪

♪ Go ride up the hill ♪

♪ Get out of this house ♪

♪ It's a house of your making ♪

♪ It's a house of ill will ♪

♪ Get out of this house ♪

♪ Go listen to Buddha, Go listen to Joe ♪

♪ Get out of this house ♪

♪ If anyone asks, you just tell 'em you don't know ♪

♪ Get out of this house ♪

Hi. Hey.

Are you sure you should be here in your condition?

Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine. What'd the doctor say?

Well, they're not sure, but they, uh, think I might have

swallowed a small chicken bone at lunch Oh.

and it just sort of came, uh, up on me.

Oh. But after a very thorough examination,

the doctor gave me some Tums.

♪ I spent 23 more down in the hole ♪

♪ Now my soul is all right now but I might get found out ♪

♪ And I got myself this house now ♪

♪ And I can't get out ♪

♪ Out ♪

♪ And if I see you again it will be in my head ♪

♪ At the end of a cloud ♪

♪ And if you see me again it will be in your head ♪

♪ Telling you to get out ♪

♪ Oh, you act like a baby, You talk like a fool ♪

♪ Get out of this house ♪

♪ Go back to your mama, Go back to high school ♪

♪ Get out of this house ♪

♪ Go jump in the lake ♪

You know, Brian, after this most recent brush with death, Mm-hmm.

I have a wonderfully new perspective.

I mean, I don't care what Kevin Nealon or anyone says.

I... I love my job and I'd-- I'd be happy to do it

for the rest of my life.

That's great.

♪ House ♪

♪ House ♪

(audience cheers and applauds)

I love that song. That's a great song. Isn't she great?

What's the name of that song?

That song is called "Get Out of This House."

Oh, that's my wife's favorite song.

She plays it all the time.

Are you having problems at home?

No, no. We're doing fine.

My wife will never divorce me 'cause she knows if she does,

I get half of everything. (audience laughs)

Larry: You are hilarious.

Stop it. You are.

I gotta tell you, I actually like being a sidekick.

This is fun. Well, you're good at it.

Oh, thank you very much. You're good at it.

I don't want to steal anybody's job,

but I could see myself doing this every night.

You know, so could I.

So could, I think, everybody.

(audience applauds)

Oh, my God. You've been excused.

(end music playing)