Original subtitles

And while Larry's on vacation, our guest host will be

the incomparable Sandra Bernhard.

I thought the guest host was a big surprise.

Did you know Sandra was going to host the show?

No. Surprise.

She's hosted the show 11 times already.

Well, surprise!

She's going to do it again.

Now, one of tonight's guests

will be Gloria Steinem.

So, if Miss Steinem talks to one of you,

be helpful, be cooperative,

but above all, say nothing.

She's still a journalist.

I thought she was a feminist.

What if she asks us questions?

Here are your answers:

You love your job,

you love the guests,

but most of all, you love Larry.

Let's hear it.

We love our job.

We love the guests.

I swear to God, I forgot

what the last thing was.

Just stay away from her, Hank. Why?

I'm a big supporter of women's rights.

Oh, give me a break! Oh, wow.

Yeah, Hank, maybe you could show her your video

where you're supporting one woman's rights

while another woman is blowing you.

Let's go to work!

I can't believe you brought that up.

You are such an asshole.

Larry: No one knows where I am, right?

No. It's just like you're here at work.

Good, good, good.

You don't think I'm shallow

for getting my eyes done, do you?

Hey, whatever makes you happy makes me happy.

I also had my penis inverted into a vagina

'cause I figured once I had my eyes done,

I'd want to get the whole thing done.

Listen, I'm glad to see

they haven't removed your sense of humor.

Doesn't it hurt?

Well, you know, there's a little, uh...

swelling and a little discoloration,

but Julianna Margulies says

it's gonna go down in a couple weeks.

Well, what the hell does she know?

She's a nurse on "ER."

Get some rest!

Don't worry, everything here is under control.

Hi, Arthur!

Sandra, my sweetheart.

You bring such sunshine into our dull, gray lives.

Arthur, I want you to meet my new manager, Ellen Boyd.

Ellen, this is Arthur.

Hello, Ellen. Hello.

It's great to meet you.

I'm glad you're aboard, Ellen.

Ellen's incredible.

There she is. The sexiest, funniest,

smartest woman in show business.

Oh! And yet, I look at you

and I just want to be bald.

Oh. Ooh, you're so hot.

Well, I just dropped by to get my-- my head rubbed.

Thank you very much. Hello.

See you out there. Yes. Naturellement.

Okay, let's get down to business.

We have some ideas.

Oh, I always love new ideas.

What have you got?

Well, I thought throughout the show,

I could host this fabulous, chic,

"Breakfast at Tiffany's" style cocktail party

in the green room, and every time I go out,

I grab this weirdo from the audience

and bring him in.

(Ellen laughing)

Phil has written another hilarious

"Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman" parody.

Hank plays an Indian who sits on his own arrow.

I go out to do my monologue,

and I do this joke that really bombs,

so I bring the writer out and I spank him.

Ellen: Now, that's great stuff.

And we have Gloria Steinem

and a guy from Critters of the Cinema

who's bringing in a big, blonde snake.

We have Cokes and Russell chocs in the fridge.

If you have any other new ideas, feel free to trot them by me.

Have a great show!

I love you! Mwah! Ta-ta!

Ellen, they don't want to do anything new on this show.

I mean, if they want me to be Larry,

why don't they just dress me up

in one of Larry's purple suits

and have me limp over to the desk

and act like I have no reason to live?

Oh, they're fucking idiots!

Sandra wants me to book Paul Mooney on the show.

He's not a Sanders comic, and I don't want to do it.

Hey, would you guys come and see a play

that I wrote and directed?

Sure. "Wounded by Choice."

Yeah, that's the title.

The On-Ramp Theater?

Know where it's at? Down in Hawthorne.

Oh, near the freeway. You've been there?

No. I just assumed it was near the freeway

when it's called the On-Ramp Theater. (Paula laughs)

Uh, Phil, Hawthorne is

a 45-minute ride from here. I know.

All the theaters in Hollywood want to do comedies,

and this is a very serious piece.

What's this serious piece about, Phil?

Well, it's about a writer

who writes for late night television.

Oh. Oh, it's about you!

No, no. I knew you'd say that.

But, it's loosely based on me,

but it's very dark. Mm-hmm.

This guy's addicted to crack,

and I have a scene where he can't decide

whether to kill himself or to-to-to-- to masturbate.

Oh, how can you deny that's about you?

Please come, because if you don't come,

I might start doing crack again.

Okay, okay, if it's Friday, I'll go.

We'll all go. I'll rent a plane.

Arthur: Good morning, everyone!

All: Hi. Good morning, Artie.

I'd like you to meet someone who I greatly admire,

the one and only Gloria Steinem.

We-- We-- We love our guests.

Oh, well, I'm lucky to be one.

Hi. We love Larry.

I love my job.

Gloria, Brian here is a huge fan of yours.

I'm sure he'd like to give you the grand tour.

Right, Brian? Yes.

As Beverly said, we love our guests.

This is where the magic happens.

See the plants there? Mm-hmm.

You know, Artie takes care of them all by himself.

Isn't that cute? Ah, very versatile guy.

Yeah. Oh! Ms. Steinem?

Hank Kingsley. I just want to tell you,

it's just an-- it's an honor to meet you.

That's a very nice thing to say. Thank you.

Hank, they need to see you in wardrobe. Just one minute.

Uh, have you met-- you met Sandra?

Oh, yes. I think she's great.

Isn't she great? Uh-huh. Oh!

I've always been a big fan of Sandy's.

No kidding. You're a fan?

You know, I'm a big believer of women's rights.

Uh, they need to see you in wardrobe.

And I'll tell you why.

Women, thank God, are now equal with men.

And although, I gotta tell you,

I think men are just a--

just a little stronger,

but in all other areas, please, equal.

Especially at the-- at the crunch.

You know... sex time.

We should go to wardrobe.

The playing field has really leveled out.

I mean, before, I just never even considered...

well, pleasing another woman? I just--

I was just busily, you know, pleasing myself.

But now I realize-- thanks to you,

people like you-- it's a two-way street,

and I want to thank you.

Um... you know, it's getting late.

I think I should make a phone call

in the dressing room. Is that okay?

Sure. Okay.

See you later. Bye-bye.

Mmm.

Great ass.

I love when Sandra's on.

(both chuckling)

You really should consider

doing something more with her, you know.

Ellen. Okay, I'm sorry.

Coming on a little too strong.

(chuckling)

Ellen: You know, the show is starting to creak.

Melanie: Hmm? Yeah.

Sandra skews to a much younger audience

than Larry does.

You should grab her before Fox does, or ABC.

(chuckling)

Artie? What?

Artie? Yeah.

Sandra Bernhard is trying to take over the show.

Hold it.

Now, what is it now, Hank?

I've got someone on hold. Make it fast. I am serious.

She's trying to take this show from Larry.

Let me guess, are you pissed because

you didn't get to host again?

No, no, I'm not pissed.

Well, help me out. What is it?

It's Ellen. I overheard her talking

to that Melanie in the wardrobe room.

It is a conspiracy.

Okay, here's my advice.

Go put on some makeup. You'll feel better.

And afterwards, if you still think

there's a conspiracy, I'll have Paula give you

the phone number of my buddy, Oliver Stone.

Okay, I'm back.

(knocking on door)

Arthur? I'll have to call you back. (chuckles)

Yes, Beverly, what is it?

You might think I'm crazy,

but I just overheard Sandra's manager

talking on the phone--

She's trying to take over the show.

Yeah, that's right!

That bitch! I can't fucking believe it.

Hank: Excuse me.

What's going on here?

I tell you there's a conspiracy

and you tell me to put on makeup,

but then she walks in,

tells you, and-- and you're all ears.

It's always about you, isn't it?

♪ ♪

Hank: Live on tape from Hollywood,

"The Larry Sanders Show."

Tonight, join guest host Sandra Bernhard

and her guests, Gloria Steinem,

snake expert Rob Bloch,

musical guest Adam Ant,

and me, "Hey now!" Hank Kingsley.

And now, because we couldn't get Larry

into the gown, Sandra Bernhard!

(cheering and applause)

You know...

you are so beautiful to me.

Thank you so much.

Who knew I was gonna come floating out here

in a pair of Manolo Blahnik Lucite high heels...

(man in audience) Ow!

...that I happened to borrow from Larry.

(laughter)

As you know, I'm obsessed with fashion,

and I borrow a lot of clothes,

'cause once I wear them, I kind of just go,

"Ugh, I can't wear that again."

I know how most of you women feel about that, you know.

I know you like to think that you can...

possibly wear something once and never wear it again,

but I'm just here to kind of abuse you again

and tell you that's what I do.

Nyah! No.

Isn't that horrible? That people

like, really rich Hollywood people just go,

"Oh, I don't want to wear this again,"

and you're barely scraping it together to go,

like, to Lerner's and get something just cute?

(laughter and applause)

I'm sorry. No. I'm sorry, I have--

The managers usually stay

in the green room by the shrimp plate.

I don't eat shellfish.

There's also some very fine

old rotted cheese there.

Yeah, sometimes you have to realize that,

you know, the really important people,

we don't kiss the butts of the really important people,

like the car mechanics...

and the electricians and the plumbers.

I mean, we're all obsessed with, like, the supermodels,

the Naomi Campbells and the Linda Evangelistas.

But, let me tell you something.

The morning of the big earthquake,

I called my plumber, Gary Bergantino,

and he was over in 15 minutes.

(applause) All right?

Now, I'm not saying that I want

to see Gary on the cover of "Allure"...

but I can bet one thing--

Naomi Campbell wouldn't have dragged her tired ass

over to my house to fix my hot water heater, okay?

(cheering and applause)

Let me ask you.

Your-- Your book has been re-released,

"Outrageous Acts and Everyday Rebellions."

And, um, it's 12 years that it first came out?

Yeah. It's been continuously in print for 12 years,

which is totally amazing. Mazel tov.

Now, one of your essays is,

"If Men Could Menstruate."

Have I said that right? It's such a hard word,

even though I am a woman and I do.

Um... if men could men-stu-- stru-ate.

It is a very hard word.

What was that about?

'Cause that's such an interesting idea and concept.

Well, it's because, um...

I guess it's my version of a stand-up comedy act

in a way, you know, because it dawned on me

that whatever the powerful group has is good

and whatever the powerless one has is not so good, right?

So if men could menstruate... Interesting.

...it would become a great thing, right?

And people would-- It'd be fabulous.

They would brag about how long and how much...

and there would be-- (laughter)

I know you got this thing set up

to hide the bolts in Larry's neck,

but can't you dump a little more light in there?

You got it, Igor.

We're gonna be back in a minute.

What kind of snake is that, Rob?

It's a Burmese python, albino Burmese python.

A Burmese python.

Okay, well, she's very cute.

Hello, hello. Hello, baby.

(making kissing sounds)

Now, she seems to be a little big through the middle.

Well, that's a-- that's a rabbit.

It's a rabbit. Mm-hmm.

(scattered groaning and clapping)

Now, is this the kind of snake that will wr--

Oh, what is that there? What's that hole there?

It's the rec-- rectum. (gasping)

Hank...

you want to get in here and do a quick exam?

Hank: No way. No.

Just kidding.

Uh...

uh, now, I myself love frog legs,

but I don't know how I feel about

eating an entire rabbit at once.

Look at her-- Look at her eyes.

Look at her eyes. They're so--

No, no, no, no.

You said look at 'em.

I know. I'm looking.

Her eyes are really incred--

Hank, look into her eyes.

I got it. I'm fine right here.

Don't you think she's like--

She's kind of an enchantress, Hank.

I think you might get into her.

Yes, well--

I think you could have like a moment with Annabelle. Yes.

Hank gave her nothing out there.

What's up his ass?

Oh, well, that depends on what day of the week it is.

I believe on Monday it's Manhattan clam chowder.

Truth is, she doesn't need Hank out there.

Oh!

What's wrong? Just my back.

It-- Sometimes it slips out of place.

I hope this is just a spasm.

I think we should give Hank the next two weeks off.

What do you think?

Would you shut your mouth just one second, Ellen, my dear?

Maybe it's you that's causing my back pain.

I think you tanked on me out there on purpose.

Hmm. Okay, is that it?

If that's the attitude, fuck you.

No, fuck-- fuck you.

And you remember when you sit out there,

you're sitting in Larry's chair.

And you got it?

I'm sitting behind that desk for the next two weeks.

Well, I'll be sitting right next to you.

Oh, it's going to be a big fucking party, isn't it?

Hello!

Larry! Pick up, pick up.

(inhaling sharply) Sorry.

Hello. Larry?

Hey, Artie. How did the show go?

Sandra was terrific. Really?

Just-- okay, would you not touch me

while I'm on the phone, please?

Hello?

Artie, I'm sitting here with Julianna Margulies,

and I'm going to hang up now.

You know what, Larry?

I can't check the swelling if you don't let me touch it.

I'm sorry. I just-- when I--

I can't concentrate when you're touching me.

(inhaling sharply)

Oh, God. Look at you.

Do I look good?

I look good, huh?

Do I look-- See, this is why I would never have plastic surgery.

Oh, come on. You had your eyes done.

You told me. Oh, please. I did not.

You start tightening up your face,

it just makes your ass look enormous.

You seeing anybody?

Did you see "The L.A. Times" this morning?

Hmm? They've got this whole article

about how the network loves Sandra.

I mean, they make it sound like

they're thinking of-- of dumping Larry.

Oh, shit. Are you okay?

It's my fucking back.

I think it's learned how to read.

Artie, where are they getting all this stuff from?

Well, Ellen Boyd's fingerprints are all over it.

Larry must not see this article.

Oh, I'm way ahead of you.

I'm on my way to his house.

Oh, let's go. I'll... take my car.

I'll drive. We'll use the siren.

Hey, Brian. Hey, Phil.

Listen. I got you and your friends

comps to my play. Oh, yeah?

So all you gotta do is just pick 'em up

at the box office. And please come,

because I have a reviewer from the "L.A. Weekly" coming.

Oh! You mean Freddy Checo. I know that guy.

You know him? Yeah.

Oh, God. You know, if this guy

gives me a good review,

I'll pay him a thousand bucks.

Do you know if he's gay? Because I'd blow him.

Phil, that's not funny.

No. I'm not being funny.

I mean, if he gives me a good review,

I will blow him.

Oh, you will? You will?

You'll get down on your knees

and you'll put his penis in your mouth?

Well, since you put it that way,

I guess it's not so appealing.

Yeah, exactly. Huh? Huh?

(door closing) Beverly: Larry?

Beverly?

Hi!

Who the fuck planted this? I-- Uh--

What the fuck is going on down there?

It's Sandra's manager, Larry.

She's evil and fat and she wants your show.

Let's go. Okay.

(car horn honking) Oh, good. Artie brought his car?

Uh-huh. Good, good, good.

You look really, really good.

Just help me to the car, okay?

Okay. Watch your step.

Shades. Get my shades.

Okay. Okay?

You got them? I got your jacket.

Thank you. Get the door. Okay.

Okay, how am I gonna use this...

I'm right here. ...if I've got sunglasses.

That's all right, I'll-- I'm sorry.

Larry: Ow! Beverly: Ooh! I'm sorry!

Okay, honey, I've gotta run.

Larry, how are you, sweetie? Hey.

Good, good. I, um...

heard there was some confusion.

About what? Some confusion about Hank,

and about some, uh-- some article

your manager planted in "The L.A. Times."

You think Ellen planted that? I don't know.

I don't know. Maybe, maybe not.

Maybe Mark Fuhrman planted it.

(laughing)

Is he managing you now?

Um...

I mean, it's unbelievable!

Yeah. Well, honey--

I don't like it.

I mean, if--

if you think that I had anything

to do with planting that article,

that would-- it would destroy me.

I mean, really, honey.

I mean, don't you think...

All right. Don't worry about it. Please.

I love you. Please don't let anything come between us.

You're so talented.

So, the plan is,

we're going to serve America a talk-show smorgasbord.

Jon Stewart tonight, Rosie O'Donnell the next,

and then, Dennis Miller.

Uh, what's Friday?

Friday is "mystery meat."

Then on Monday,

Larry will be back a week early.

Larry? I mean, don't you think

you should maybe take another week off?

You just had surgery.

I don't know-- I've had no surgery at all.

Melanie: Look, Larry,

if you feel this strongly about it,

we're gonna accommodate you here.

I mean, this is "The Larry Sanders Show."

That is really great. That's so nice of you,

because I just don't want you

to be angry with me about this.

Oh, Larry, come on. You're so talented.

Larry: All right, next one.

See, Sid, you do that great.

Without you, I'd be doing one joke.

Do you realize that?

There'd be no one to move 'em over.

You look as fresh as springtime,

like the apple-cheeked boy

who walked through this curtain eight years ago.

Well, keeping these apples in my cheeks

is killing me, by the way.

Have a good show, Larry.

Thank you, Brian. It is Brian, right?

Yeah. Hey, thanks.

Psst!

Larry? (Larry laughing)

Hey. Hi.

I just wanted to tell you how happy I am to see you.

I really-- really missed you.

Oh, thanks. Thank you.

Shouldn't you be doing the warm-up?

You see?

I can't get this from anybody else.

This-- this right here. This is our relationship.

Hank... Larry thanked you.

Right. Have a good one.

All right. See you out there.

These are all great jokes, Phil.

Yeah? Good job.

Good job. Oh, thanks, thanks.

Thanks, Larry.

Good. Thank you.

Psst! What?

Oh. Have a good show.

Larry: Hey.

Okay, go to the next one.

Have a great show.

Oh, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks, thanks.

Listen, I've gotta get those tickets to Phil's play.

Oh, it closed on Friday.

I thought it opened on Friday.

Well, the oddest thing happened.

In the middle of the second act,

a car flew off the freeway,

crashed through the wall of the theater,

and took out the first couple of rows.

Fortunately, no one was there.

Well, he sure seems to be handling it pretty well.

Oh, he's on crack.

Good show. And you look great.

Well, let's go.

America's ready to fall in love

with Larry all over again.

Well... I'm ready. Larry's ready.

Makeup!

Larry: It is so good to be back.

I want to thank Sandra Bernhard

for guest hosting, and, uh...

I'm sure you, uh, really, really had

a good time with her the last week.

(cheering and applause)

What were Sandra Bernhard's ratings?

Um... 0.38.

Mm-hmm. And Larry's?

0.38, but Sandra got a younger demographic.

Hmm.

Please. Even though I was off for a week,

do not pity me.

Don't force your laughs.

Speaking of which, they just said--

they discovered that sexual harassment--

sexual harassment is now evident in animals.

I was just saying to my dog, Bob Packwood-- I said...

(laughter)

If a guest host can get the same ratings as Larry,

just imagine how much money we could save

not having to pay Larry's salary.

What are you saying?

We should get rid of Larry and replace him with Sandra?

Doesn't have to be Sandra.

It could be Jon Stewart, Rosie O'Donnell.

John Wayne Bobbitt-- it's--

you know, John Wayne Bobbitt,

you would have thought, uh,

that story would have been over a year and a half ago,

but he has just, evidently, shown up--

and I believe it's just a couple days ago--

at the beauty salon

where his wife works, with flowers,

evidently hoping to take another whack at it.

(laughter and applause)

Larry does have a certain charm.

Hmm.

Maybe eight years of Larry is enough.

Larry: We read all the leading newspapers

here at "The Larry Sanders"--

♪ ♪