All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S04E17_English

And while Larry's on vacation,
our guest host will be

the incomparable
Sandra Bernhard.

I thought the guest host
was a big surprise.

Did you know Sandra
was going to host
the show?

No.
Surprise.

She's hosted the show
11 times already.

Well, surprise!

She's going
to do it again.

Now, one
of tonight's
guests

will be
Gloria Steinem.

So, if Miss Steinem
talks to one of you,

be helpful,
be cooperative,

but above all,
say nothing.

She's still
a journalist.

I thought she was
a feminist.

What if she asks us
questions?

Here are
your answers:

You love
your job,

you love
the guests,

but most of all,
you love Larry.

Let's hear it.

We love
our job.

We love
the guests.

I swear to God,
I forgot

what the last
thing was.

Just stay away
from her, Hank.
Why?

I'm a big supporter
of women's rights.

Oh, give me a break!
Oh, wow.

Yeah, Hank, maybe you could
show her your video

where you're supporting
one woman's rights

while another woman
is blowing you.

Let's go to work!

I can't believe you
brought that up.

You are such
an asshole.

Larry: No one
knows where
I am, right?

No. It's just
like you're here
at work.

Good, good, good.

You don't think
I'm shallow

for getting my eyes done,
do you?

Hey, whatever
makes you happy
makes me happy.

I also had my penis
inverted into a vagina

'cause I figured
once I had my eyes done,

I'd want to get
the whole thing done.

Listen,
I'm glad
to see

they haven't
removed your
sense of humor.

Doesn't it hurt?

Well, you know,
there's a little, uh...

swelling
and a little discoloration,

but Julianna Margulies says

it's gonna go down
in a couple weeks.

Well, what the hell
does she know?

She's a nurse on "ER."

Get some rest!

Don't worry, everything here
is under control.

Hi, Arthur!

Sandra,
my sweetheart.

You bring such sunshine
into our dull, gray lives.

Arthur, I want you to meet
my new manager, Ellen Boyd.

Ellen, this is Arthur.

Hello, Ellen.
Hello.

It's great to meet you.

I'm glad you're aboard,
Ellen.

Ellen's incredible.

There she is.
The sexiest, funniest,

smartest woman
in show business.

Oh! And yet,
I look at you

and I just
want to be bald.

Oh.
Ooh, you're so hot.

Well, I just dropped by
to get my-- my head rubbed.

Thank you very much.
Hello.

See you out there.
Yes. Naturellement.

Okay, let's get down
to business.

We have some ideas.

Oh, I always love
new ideas.

What have you got?

Well, I thought
throughout the show,

I could host this
fabulous, chic,

"Breakfast at Tiffany's"
style cocktail party

in the green room,
and every time I go out,

I grab this weirdo
from the audience

and bring him in.

(Ellen laughing)

Phil has written
another hilarious

"Dr. Quinn,
Medicine Woman" parody.

Hank plays an Indian
who sits on his own arrow.

I go out to do
my monologue,

and I do this joke
that really bombs,

so I bring the writer out
and I spank him.

Ellen:
Now, that's great stuff.

And we have
Gloria Steinem

and a guy
from Critters of the Cinema

who's bringing in
a big, blonde snake.

We have Cokes
and Russell chocs
in the fridge.

If you have any other new ideas,
feel free to trot them by me.

Have a great show!

I love you!
Mwah! Ta-ta!

Ellen, they don't want
to do anything new
on this show.

I mean, if they want me
to be Larry,

why don't they just
dress me up

in one of Larry's
purple suits

and have me limp
over to the desk

and act like I have
no reason to live?

Oh, they're
fucking idiots!

Sandra wants me to book
Paul Mooney on the show.

He's not a Sanders comic,
and I don't want to do it.

Hey, would you guys
come and see a play

that I wrote
and directed?

Sure.
"Wounded by Choice."

Yeah,
that's the title.

The On-Ramp
Theater?

Know where it's at?
Down in Hawthorne.

Oh, near the freeway.
You've been there?

No. I just assumed
it was near the freeway

when it's called
the On-Ramp Theater.
(Paula laughs)

Uh, Phil,
Hawthorne is

a 45-minute ride
from here.
I know.

All the theaters in Hollywood
want to do comedies,

and this is
a very serious piece.

What's this serious piece
about, Phil?

Well, it's about
a writer

who writes
for late night television.

Oh.
Oh, it's about you!

No, no. I knew
you'd say that.

But, it's loosely
based on me,

but it's very dark.
Mm-hmm.

This guy's
addicted to crack,

and I have a scene
where he can't decide

whether to kill himself
or to-to-to-- to masturbate.

Oh, how can you deny
that's about you?

Please come,
because if you don't come,

I might start
doing crack again.

Okay, okay,
if it's Friday, I'll go.

We'll all go.
I'll rent a plane.

Arthur:
Good morning, everyone!

All: Hi.
Good morning, Artie.

I'd like you to meet someone
who I greatly admire,

the one and only
Gloria Steinem.

We-- We--
We love our guests.

Oh, well,
I'm lucky to be one.

Hi.
We love Larry.

I love my job.

Gloria, Brian here is
a huge fan of yours.

I'm sure he'd like
to give you the grand tour.

Right, Brian?
Yes.

As Beverly said,
we love our guests.

This is where
the magic happens.

See the plants there?
Mm-hmm.

You know, Artie takes care
of them all by himself.

Isn't that cute?
Ah, very versatile guy.

Yeah. Oh!
Ms. Steinem?

Hank Kingsley.
I just want to tell you,

it's just an--
it's an honor to meet you.

That's a very nice thing
to say. Thank you.

Hank, they need to see you
in wardrobe.
Just one minute.

Uh, have you met--
you met Sandra?

Oh, yes.
I think she's great.

Isn't she great?
Uh-huh. Oh!

I've always been
a big fan of Sandy's.

No kidding.
You're a fan?

You know, I'm a big believer
of women's rights.

Uh, they need to see you
in wardrobe.

And I'll tell you why.

Women, thank God,
are now equal with men.

And although,
I gotta tell you,

I think men
are just a--

just a little stronger,

but in all other areas,
please, equal.

Especially at the--
at the crunch.

You know... sex time.

We should go
to wardrobe.

The playing field
has really leveled out.

I mean, before, I just
never even considered...

well, pleasing
another woman? I just--

I was just busily, you know,
pleasing myself.

But now I realize--
thanks to you,

people like you--
it's a two-way street,

and I want
to thank you.

Um... you know,
it's getting late.

I think I should make
a phone call

in the dressing room.
Is that okay?

Sure.
Okay.

See you later.
Bye-bye.

Mmm.

Great ass.

I love
when Sandra's on.

(both chuckling)

You really
should consider

doing something more
with her, you know.

Ellen.
Okay, I'm sorry.

Coming on
a little too strong.

(chuckling)

Ellen:
You know, the show
is starting to creak.

Melanie:
Hmm?
Yeah.

Sandra skews
to a much younger audience

than Larry does.

You should grab her
before Fox does, or ABC.

(chuckling)

Artie?
What?

Artie?
Yeah.

Sandra Bernhard is trying
to take over the show.

Hold it.

Now, what is it now,
Hank?

I've got someone on hold.
Make it fast.
I am serious.

She's trying to take
this show from Larry.

Let me guess,
are you pissed because

you didn't get
to host again?

No, no,
I'm not pissed.

Well, help me out.
What is it?

It's Ellen.
I overheard her talking

to that Melanie
in the wardrobe room.

It is a conspiracy.

Okay,
here's my advice.

Go put on some makeup.
You'll feel better.

And afterwards,
if you still think

there's a conspiracy,
I'll have Paula give you

the phone number of my buddy,
Oliver Stone.

Okay, I'm back.

(knocking on door)

Arthur?
I'll have
to call you back. (chuckles)

Yes, Beverly,
what is it?

You might think
I'm crazy,

but I just overheard
Sandra's manager

talking
on the phone--

She's trying
to take over the show.

Yeah,
that's right!

That bitch!
I can't fucking believe it.

Hank:
Excuse me.

What's going on here?

I tell you
there's a conspiracy

and you tell me
to put on makeup,

but then
she walks in,

tells you, and--
and you're all ears.

It's always about you,
isn't it?

♪ ♪

Hank:
Live on tape
from Hollywood,

"The Larry Sanders Show."

Tonight, join guest host
Sandra Bernhard

and her guests,
Gloria Steinem,

snake expert Rob Bloch,

musical guest Adam Ant,

and me, "Hey now!"
Hank Kingsley.

And now, because
we couldn't get Larry

into the gown,
Sandra Bernhard!

(cheering and applause)

You know...

you are
so beautiful to me.

Thank you so much.

Who knew I was gonna come
floating out here

in a pair of Manolo Blahnik
Lucite high heels...

(man in audience)
Ow!

...that I happened to borrow
from Larry.

(laughter)

As you know,
I'm obsessed with fashion,

and I borrow
a lot of clothes,

'cause once I wear them,
I kind of just go,

"Ugh, I can't wear
that again."

I know how most of you women
feel about that, you know.

I know you like to think
that you can...

possibly wear something once
and never wear it again,

but I'm just here to
kind of abuse you again

and tell you that's
what I do.

Nyah! No.

Isn't that horrible?
That people

like, really rich Hollywood
people just go,

"Oh, I don't want
to wear this again,"

and you're barely
scraping it together to go,

like, to Lerner's
and get something just cute?

(laughter and applause)

I'm sorry.
No. I'm sorry, I have--

The managers
usually stay

in the green room
by the shrimp plate.

I don't eat shellfish.

There's also
some very fine

old rotted cheese
there.

Yeah, sometimes
you have to realize that,

you know,
the really important people,

we don't kiss the butts
of the really important people,

like the car mechanics...

and the electricians
and the plumbers.

I mean, we're all obsessed
with, like, the supermodels,

the Naomi Campbells
and the Linda Evangelistas.

But, let me
tell you something.

The morning
of the big earthquake,

I called my plumber,
Gary Bergantino,

and he was over
in 15 minutes.

(applause)
All right?

Now, I'm not saying
that I want

to see Gary
on the cover of "Allure"...

but I can bet one thing--

Naomi Campbell wouldn't have
dragged her tired ass

over to my house to fix
my hot water heater, okay?

(cheering and applause)

Let me ask you.

Your-- Your book
has been re-released,

"Outrageous Acts
and Everyday Rebellions."

And, um, it's 12 years
that it first came out?

Yeah. It's been continuously
in print for 12 years,

which is totally amazing.
Mazel tov.

Now, one of
your essays is,

"If Men Could Menstruate."

Have I said that right?
It's such a hard word,

even though
I am a woman and I do.

Um... if men could
men-stu-- stru-ate.

It is a very hard word.

What was that about?

'Cause that's such
an interesting idea
and concept.

Well, it's because,
um...

I guess it's my version
of a stand-up comedy act

in a way, you know,
because it dawned on me

that whatever
the powerful group
has is good

and whatever
the powerless one has
is not so good, right?

So if men could
menstruate...
Interesting.

...it would become
a great thing, right?

And people would--
It'd be fabulous.

They would brag about
how long and how much...

and there would be--
(laughter)

I know you got
this thing set up

to hide the bolts
in Larry's neck,

but can't you dump a little
more light in there?

You got it, Igor.

We're gonna be
back in a minute.

What kind of snake
is that, Rob?

It's a Burmese python,
albino Burmese python.

A Burmese python.

Okay, well,
she's very cute.

Hello, hello.
Hello, baby.

(making kissing sounds)

Now, she seems to be
a little big through the middle.

Well, that's a--
that's a rabbit.

It's a rabbit.
Mm-hmm.

(scattered groaning
and clapping)

Now, is this the kind
of snake that will wr--

Oh, what is that there?
What's that hole there?

It's the rec--
rectum.
(gasping)

Hank...

you want to get in here
and do a quick exam?

Hank:
No way.
No.

Just kidding.

Uh...

uh, now, I myself
love frog legs,

but I don't know
how I feel about

eating an entire rabbit
at once.

Look at her--
Look at her eyes.

Look at her eyes.
They're so--

No, no, no, no.

You said
look at 'em.

I know.
I'm looking.

Her eyes
are really incred--

Hank, look
into her eyes.

I got it.
I'm fine right here.

Don't you think
she's like--

She's kind of
an enchantress, Hank.

I think you might
get into her.

Yes, well--

I think you could have like
a moment with Annabelle.
Yes.

Hank gave her nothing
out there.

What's up his ass?

Oh, well, that depends
on what day of the week it is.

I believe on Monday
it's Manhattan clam chowder.

Truth is, she doesn't
need Hank out there.

Oh!

What's wrong?
Just my back.

It-- Sometimes it slips
out of place.

I hope this is just
a spasm.

I think we should give Hank
the next two weeks off.

What do you think?

Would you shut your mouth just
one second, Ellen, my dear?

Maybe it's you
that's causing my back pain.

I think you tanked on me
out there on purpose.

Hmm.
Okay, is that it?

If that's the attitude,
fuck you.

No, fuck-- fuck you.

And you remember
when you sit out there,

you're sitting
in Larry's chair.

And you got it?

I'm sitting behind that desk
for the next two weeks.

Well, I'll be sitting
right next to you.

Oh, it's going to be a big
fucking party, isn't it?

Hello!

Larry!
Pick up, pick up.

(inhaling sharply)
Sorry.

Hello.
Larry?

Hey, Artie.
How did the show go?

Sandra was terrific.
Really?

Just-- okay,
would you not touch me

while I'm on
the phone, please?

Hello?

Artie, I'm sitting here
with Julianna Margulies,

and I'm going
to hang up now.

You know what,
Larry?

I can't check the swelling
if you don't let me touch it.

I'm sorry.
I just-- when I--

I can't concentrate
when you're touching me.

(inhaling sharply)

Oh, God.
Look at you.

Do I look good?

I look good, huh?

Do I look--
See, this is why I would never
have plastic surgery.

Oh, come on.
You had your eyes done.

You told me.
Oh, please.
I did not.

You start tightening up
your face,

it just makes
your ass look enormous.

You seeing anybody?

Did you see "The L.A. Times"
this morning?

Hmm?
They've got
this whole article

about how the network
loves Sandra.

I mean,
they make it sound like

they're thinking of--
of dumping Larry.

Oh, shit.
Are you okay?

It's my fucking back.

I think it's learned
how to read.

Artie, where are they
getting all this stuff from?

Well, Ellen Boyd's
fingerprints are all over it.

Larry must not
see this article.

Oh, I'm way ahead
of you.

I'm on my way
to his house.

Oh, let's go.
I'll... take my car.

I'll drive.
We'll use the siren.

Hey, Brian.
Hey, Phil.

Listen. I got you
and your friends

comps to my play.
Oh, yeah?

So all you gotta do
is just pick 'em up

at the box office.
And please come,

because I have a reviewer
from the "L.A. Weekly" coming.

Oh! You mean Freddy Checo.
I know that guy.

You know him?
Yeah.

Oh, God.
You know, if this guy

gives me
a good review,

I'll pay him
a thousand bucks.

Do you know if he's gay?
Because I'd blow him.

Phil, that's not funny.

No. I'm not being funny.

I mean, if he gives me
a good review,

I will blow him.

Oh, you will?
You will?

You'll get down
on your knees

and you'll put his penis
in your mouth?

Well, since you
put it that way,

I guess it's not
so appealing.

Yeah, exactly.
Huh? Huh?

(door closing)
Beverly: Larry?

Beverly?

Hi!

Who the fuck
planted this?
I-- Uh--

What the fuck
is going on down there?

It's Sandra's manager,
Larry.

She's evil and fat
and she wants your show.

Let's go.
Okay.

(car horn honking)
Oh, good.
Artie brought his car?

Uh-huh.
Good, good, good.

You look really,
really good.

Just help me
to the car, okay?

Okay.
Watch your step.

Shades.
Get my shades.

Okay.
Okay?

You got them?
I got your jacket.

Thank you.
Get the door.
Okay.

Okay, how am I gonna
use this...

I'm right here.
...if I've got sunglasses.

That's all right,
I'll-- I'm sorry.

Larry: Ow!
Beverly:
Ooh! I'm sorry!

Okay, honey,
I've gotta run.

Larry, how are you,
sweetie?
Hey.

Good, good.
I, um...

heard there was
some confusion.

About what?
Some confusion about Hank,

and about some, uh--
some article

your manager planted
in "The L.A. Times."

You think Ellen
planted that?
I don't know.

I don't know.
Maybe, maybe not.

Maybe Mark Fuhrman
planted it.

(laughing)

Is he managing you now?

Um...

I mean,
it's unbelievable!

Yeah.
Well, honey--

I don't like it.

I mean, if--

if you think
that I had anything

to do with planting
that article,

that would--
it would destroy me.

I mean, really,
honey.

I mean,
don't you think...

All right.
Don't worry about it.
Please.

I love you.
Please don't let anything
come between us.

You're so talented.

So, the plan is,

we're going to serve America
a talk-show smorgasbord.

Jon Stewart tonight,
Rosie O'Donnell the next,

and then,
Dennis Miller.

Uh, what's Friday?

Friday is
"mystery meat."

Then on Monday,

Larry will be back
a week early.

Larry? I mean,
don't you think

you should maybe
take another week off?

You just had surgery.

I don't know-- I've had
no surgery at all.

Melanie:
Look, Larry,

if you feel
this strongly about it,

we're gonna accommodate
you here.

I mean, this is
"The Larry Sanders Show."

That is really great.
That's so nice of you,

because I just don't
want you

to be angry
with me about this.

Oh, Larry, come on.
You're so talented.

Larry:
All right, next one.

See, Sid,
you do that great.

Without you,
I'd be doing one joke.

Do you realize that?

There'd be no one
to move 'em over.

You look as fresh
as springtime,

like the apple-cheeked boy

who walked through
this curtain eight years ago.

Well, keeping these
apples in my cheeks

is killing me,
by the way.

Have a good show,
Larry.

Thank you, Brian.
It is Brian, right?

Yeah.
Hey, thanks.

Psst!

Larry?
(Larry laughing)

Hey.
Hi.

I just wanted to tell you
how happy I am to see you.

I really--
really missed you.

Oh, thanks.
Thank you.

Shouldn't you
be doing the warm-up?

You see?

I can't get this
from anybody else.

This-- this right here.
This is our relationship.

Hank...
Larry thanked you.

Right.
Have a good one.

All right.
See you out there.

These are all
great jokes, Phil.

Yeah?
Good job.

Good job.
Oh, thanks, thanks.

Thanks, Larry.

Good.
Thank you.

Psst!
What?

Oh.
Have a good show.

Larry:
Hey.

Okay, go to
the next one.

Have a great show.

Oh, thanks, thanks,
thanks, thanks, thanks.

Listen, I've gotta get
those tickets to Phil's play.

Oh, it closed
on Friday.

I thought it opened
on Friday.

Well, the oddest
thing happened.

In the middle
of the second act,

a car flew
off the freeway,

crashed through the wall
of the theater,

and took out
the first couple of rows.

Fortunately,
no one was there.

Well, he sure seems to be
handling it pretty well.

Oh, he's on crack.

Good show.
And you look great.

Well, let's go.

America's ready
to fall in love

with Larry
all over again.

Well... I'm ready.
Larry's ready.

Makeup!

Larry:
It is so good
to be back.

I want to thank
Sandra Bernhard

for guest hosting,
and, uh...

I'm sure you, uh,
really, really had

a good time with her
the last week.

(cheering and applause)

What were
Sandra Bernhard's ratings?

Um... 0.38.

Mm-hmm.
And Larry's?

0.38, but Sandra got
a younger demographic.

Hmm.

Please. Even though
I was off for a week,

do not pity me.

Don't force your laughs.

Speaking of which,
they just said--

they discovered
that sexual harassment--

sexual harassment is now
evident in animals.

I was just saying to my dog,
Bob Packwood-- I said...

(laughter)

If a guest host can get
the same ratings as Larry,

just imagine how much
money we could save

not having to pay
Larry's salary.

What are you saying?

We should get rid of Larry
and replace him with Sandra?

Doesn't have to
be Sandra.

It could be Jon Stewart,
Rosie O'Donnell.

John Wayne Bobbitt-- it's--

you know,
John Wayne Bobbitt,

you would have thought, uh,

that story would have been over
a year and a half ago,

but he has just,
evidently, shown up--

and I believe it's just
a couple days ago--

at the beauty salon

where his wife works,
with flowers,

evidently hoping to take
another whack at it.

(laughter and applause)

Larry does have
a certain charm.

Hmm.

Maybe eight years
of Larry is enough.

Larry: We read
all the leading newspapers

here at "The Larry Sanders"--

♪ ♪