All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S04E16_English

Aw, damn it, Phil.
How many times

do I have to tell you,
the shrimp are for guests?

Come on, Artie,
it's just one shrimp.

Fat-free Snackwells
in the kitchenette.

Get away from those shrimp!
Damn it, you bottomless pit.

Arthur.
Hey.

Oh, thank God
you're here, Brian.

Listen, I want you
to guard these shrimp.

Okay, but Hank needs to speak
to you for two seconds.

Sorry, Brian,
I don't have time.

One second?

No can do.

Don't expect
anything from me

during the k.d. lang
segment tonight.

I don't. I never do.

I want to tell you
a little story

that's really gonna
surprise you.

Oh, a little surprise, huh?

Well, let's make it quick.

Okay. Three...
Three years ago,

k.d. rented the house
behind me.

Now you know me, Artie.
I'm a very good neighbor.

But when the, uh...

when the squirrels
from her oak tree

started dropping those little
acorn hats into my Jacuzzi,

I asked her politely
to do something.

She did nothing, so I told
her to go fuck herself.

Well, so far, there's
no surprise there.

What's the real story?
Cough it up.

Well, I, uh,
I got pissed off,

and I hacked off
a limb of her tree.

Ha ha.
So three years ago,

you told k.d.
to fuck off,

and you chopped off
a limb of her tree.

and now you're going
to carry that grudge
right out on our stage

and ruin our
anniversary show?

Yes, I am.
No, you are not!

Okay, you put it that way,
well, then I'll...
I'll just do my best.

Fifteen minutes,
Mr. Sanders!

Only moments away from
our eighth anniversary show.

And that, by the way,
is a milestone

we never reached
with any of our wives.

Well, you speak
for yourself, Artie.

I have some great clips
from my last marriage.

Could we have one clip
on tonight?

No. We agreed we're doing
a classy show with no clips.

What about the monkey
grabbing your nuts?

That's a classy one.

No.

Are the guests here?

Mandy Patinkin, k.d. lang?

Uh-huh.
Hey, Noah Wyle.
All in their rooms.

Rosie O'Donnell
is on her way.

Good.
What about Pat O'Brien?

I'll try to get him on.

Well, Artie,
we have to get him on.

He's giving me the tickets
for the final four.

So I'm to assume
Mandy Patinkin is
only on tonight

so you can get good seats

for the next
Sondheim fuckfest

at the Hollywood Bowl?
That's correct.

I'm getting seats
right behind home plate.

Get a foul tip.

George Segal, our buddy,
is the surprise guest.

He'll be right next to me
at the monitor,

and I'll send him in
whenever there's a lull.

You're expecting a lull?

Lull? Who said lull?

I said Phil. Phil!

Bruce, will you put
a couple of hickeys

on Larry's neck
so he'll look

like he had a good
time last night?

Artie.

Is Rosie O'Donnell--
is she here yet?

She's here,
but she had
to drive herself in.

She's been on the lot
for 20 minutes,
trying to park her car.

What the hell?
Didn't you send a limo?

Of course we sent a limo,
but Lorenzo

is the stupidest
driver in history.

He's supposed to pick up
Rosie O'Donnell.

He picks up
Chris O'Donnell

and takes him
to the Rose Bowl.

Oh, here she is.

Artie, my limo
never showed up.

Yes, but you're
here now, my dear.

We're so honored
to have you.

I can't believe
that happened.

I will get on the phone
right now and see
what went wrong.

Yeah, please do.

I tell you, Artie,
I don't mind
driving myself.

I don't. But to not have
a spot waiting for me?

I had to park
three miles away,
next to the day players

from "The Jeff
Foxworthy Show."

I just
can't apologize enough.

Oh, yeah?
Well, you could try.

Well, I beg you
to forgive me. Will you?

I need more.

I beg you
on my late aunt's grave.

Still more.

I'll kill myself

and all others like me.
Perfect.

Would you like to see
your dressing room?

I have a dressing room?

Yes, and a fruit plate
with papaya.

I am shocked.

I thought you were
gonna have me change

right here
in the hallway.

I still love you.
I love you.

I know everything
about you, right?

'Cause I'm Canadian.
Yeah?

I even know
that you... you curl.

Where did you read that?
"Chatelaine."

Oh, "Chatelaine."
Yeah.

I used to curl
in, uh, in high school.

Oh, really?
Yeah.

Oh, my, God,
I... I gotta go.

I'm sort of in charge
of the green room.

Yeah, take care.
Good luck.

Talk to you later. Thanks.

Hello, Hank.

Didn't recognize you
without your chain saw.

(laughing)

Hey, I hear you're
gonna sing tonight.

I can't wait, but
then I've always enjoyed
bleeding from my ears.

You still vacuum
in the nude?

Why don't you
get some blinds

for that glass door,
you sick fuck?

It kind of turns you on,
though, doesn't it?

Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm.
It makes me sick.
Yeah.

Listen, why don't
you spell your name

with capital letters
like everyone else...

(show theme music playing)
Oh, fuck.

(laughing)

Hey, great eight years.

Okay. You look great.

And the cards are
at the desk.

Here are your aspirin.

And did you go
to the bathroom?

Hank:
He's on tape,
from Hollywood,

"Larry Sanders
Eighth Anniversary Show..."

I forgot.

Oh. Okay.
Then don't drink the water.

I already had juice.

Larry, you got to learn
how to plan ahead.

Oh, no.
Oh, terrific.

Terrific crowd
out there.
You know what, Artie?

I have to go
to the bathroom, I think.

Hey, good sign.
Happy eighth.

Hank:
Larry Sanders!

(cheers and applause)

(cheers and applause
continuing)

Thank you.

I know it's...

(cheers and applause
continuing)

Thank you so much.

(cheers and applause)

I know, it's hard...

I know. I know.

Let me...

(cheers and applause)

It seems longer
than eight, doesn't it?

Honest to God.
Do you believe
it's been eight years, Hank?

Eight-- Eight years.
Eight years. Eight.

We've been on the air
eight years.

(cheers and applause)

Eight years.

Does it seem like
eight to you, Hank?

Yes.

(laughter)

This is... This is one
of my longest relationships

in my life is with Hank
for eight years.

And, uh, we're... we...
I... I will say this

as a compliment to you.

I never get tired of you,

and the sex
is as fresh as ever.

(laughter)

The, uh...

(cheers and applause)

The, uh...

(cheers and applause)

And if I may be so bold...

Yes, sir.
I think the reason is

is because we have
no expectations

and it is always a surprise
when it happens.

The... (laughing)

But now it is 1995,

and, my God, we just had
that Million Man March,

uh, Million Man March
in Washington,

and Bill Clinton
saw them out there

and opened his door up

and said "Please, please
take whatever you want.

Just don't hurt my family."

(laughter)

Again, let me apologize
for the limo debacle.

That driver
is severely stupid.

Hey, come on.
It's all right.

I just got a new car,

and I love the smell
of fresh leather.

Great. I just need a quick
pre-interview from you,

and then I'll get
out of your hair.

Sure. Listen, I thought
I'd talk about my son.

You know, in fact,
look, I have a picture.

Isn't he cute?

Cutie.
Yeah.

Anything else?

I could do the stuff
about the O.J. verdict.

Great. Anything else?

Well, my dog.

You know, we can always do
the stuff about the dog.

Dog. Okay, what else?

I really think that's
enough, you know?

I mean, come on, I've done
the show a million times.

Larry and I will just
wing it out there.

You know, Larry's not
really comfortable

with, uh,
just winging it.

I think he'd really rather
just get it on the cards

and... and work from that.

You know, what is
wrong with him?

I mean,
how scared is he?

It's a talk show.

You'd think the man could
just talk, all right?

Did you see O.J.?
By the way...

(laughter)

he's playing golf again.

Evidently, he believes
the real killer

is somewhere
on the back nine.

(laughter)

Oh, my God.

(cheers and applause)

Thank you.

He evidently got a triple bogey
on one of the holes

and tried to blame it
on a Colombian drug lord.

(laughter)

So, they came in.

Phil: I was under
the impression that you
wanted to do the sketch.

Mandy:
I liked it
when I read it.

Thank you.
And I thought it was...

You wrote it?
Yeah.

Oh, I didn't know
you wrote it.

But when I put it
on its feet...
Mm-hmm?

it, uh... I didn't
think it worked.

Yeah, well,
during rehearsal,
you guys were great.

I mean, very hilarious stuff.

Phil!
I don't think
it went well.

When Larry is on the table,

and he's got
that terrible paper cut,

and you guys are arguing over

which show's better,
"Chicago Hope" or "ER,"

and... and, uh...
you know, it's very funny.

It's boring.
It's, uh...

Phil:
Yeah?

I don't want
to do that.
Why not?

I'll do something else.
I mean,

come up with another idea,
and I'll do something.

I'm... wow. I'm... uh,

What didn't
you like about it?

I don't think it's funny.

Phil:
What part about it
don't you think is funny?

First of all, I think
it's offensive to our show.

The things that you put
in the sketch are offensive.

You're making fun
of issues

that go on in the show.
Uh-huh.

You're making fun of things
that are sensitive to people.

We talk about sensitive
issues on the show.

You're talking
about Medicare.

You're talking
about Marfan syndrome.

You're talking
about multiple sclerosis.
Things that matter to people.

Lot of room
for comedy in there.

Their show doesn't talk
about that shit.

Their show's a broader show.
It's more entertainment.

I don't think our show

is any broader
than your show.

I'm not saying...
It may be more exciting.

No, I'm not saying it
as a critical thing.

I'm just saying that our show
is character driven,

and your show is basically
everybody's gorgeous,

and everybody's
fucking everybody else.

Right. No, no, no.
I understand.

And you can go out,
you can eat something--

You're upset because
nobody watches your show.

Oh, who's gonna
watch the show?

I don't watch
the fucking show.

Do you guys realize
you're doing the sketch?

We're on CBS.
Who's going to watch...

Hey, would you guys
just shut up?!

It's Larry's
eighth-year show.

Have some respect.
Come on.

Watch the fucking show. God.

Sorry.
So you don't
want to do the sketch?

I don't want to do
that sketch.

I'm not saying
I won't do a sketch.

I'll do a sketch.
Okay.

I don't want...

I'm trying to look after...

Never mind.

Well, I think
it's very funny...

How many times
I got to say it?

...when you call for backup
and, you know...

I'm not doing
the one you wrote.

...Buddy Hackett
comes in.

Hey, will you guys
really just please shut up?

Are you on the show?
Yeah, I am.

What are you doing?

I'm a sportscaster.

What... What do you...
what do you cast?

Uh, basketball.

I've never seen...

and something about
his voice wasn't right.

What the f...
Oh, man.

What's the matter?
Nothing. I'm just...

What the fuck are
you talking about?

You won't do the sketch,
we won't do the sketch.

Okay, listen. I don't want
to put any pressure...

I didn't say
I wouldn't do a sketch.

I said I'm fine
doing a sketch.

Listen. I don't want to put
any pressure on you guys,

but Larry saved this
for the anniversary show.

You want to make yourself
look like an idiot?

Trust me for a minute.
Come here.

Sit down.
Sit down for one second.

Sit down. Come here.
Come here.

Noah...
listen to me.

Noah... Noah,
you're acting

like a fucking
two-year-old.

Stay tuned, because
we have Noah Wyle,

Mandy Patinkin,
Pat O'Brien,

and Rosie O'Donnell.

Eight years.

You can stick around.
No flipping.

(cheers and applause)

No flipping.
Thank you.

No flipping.
Man:
And clear!

(cheers and applause)

Classy monologue.

Yeah. I told you
I should have peed
before I went on.

Well, that's my fault.
I should have believed you.

You know, we'll
scrap the sketch,

but Mandy's going
to sing, okay?

Fine. Whatever.
It doesn't matter to me.

All I know...
Hey, Larry.

Hey, Rosie.

That was a funny
monologue.

Oh, great.
We'll see you out there--

Yeah. Listen, could I
talk to you for a sec?

Um, I sort of blew off

the pre-interview
before with Paula.

Oh, no, that's okay.
Is that all right?

Yeah, you don't need
to do a pre-interview.

That's what I told her,
because you and I are friends,

and we'll just
wing it out there.

You think quick
on your feet.

I'm quick.
I'll be sitting,
but I'm quick on my ass.

(laughter)

That's funny.
All right, listen,

I just wanted
to show you.

That's the boy.

Oh, darling.
That's my son.

That is
so beautiful.

Is he gorgeous?

You know what
he found yesterday?

He found out how to use
his hands, you know?

He always knew
they were there,

but he didn't know
he could control them.

So now he's pulling my hair,
he's pulling my shirt.

We had that when we had
Chuck Grodin on.
Larry, we're back in 10 seconds.

Oh, really?
All right.
Let's go.

So I'll see you
out there, Larr.

Good job. See you later.
Thank you.
It'll be fun.

I mean, for God sakes.

Paula, did you see
Rosie O'Donnell

on "Tom Snyder"
the other night?

I'll get
the pre-interview.

Exactly.

♪ ♪

(applause)

We are back.

And, uh...

Well, my first guest is...

(cheers and applause)

You know, it's a special night,

and we have
a special show for you.

My first guest recently won
an Emmy for his performance

as Dr. Jeffrey Geiger
on "Chicago Hope,"

and he's an accomplished
Broadway performer.

And I'm really a big fan.

Please welcome
Mandy Patinkin.

(cheers and applause)

Thank you.

Great seeing you, Mandy.
Have a seat.

Welcome.
(indistinct)

Hello.

There he is.

The people know you
and they love you.

(cheers and applause)

Congratulations.

Congratulations
on your Emmy.

What a wonderful,
wonderful award,

and well deserved,
if I may say.
Thank you.

How long has
"Chicago Hope" been on?

We've been on
eight years.

How long has
"Chicago Hope" been on?

We, uh, we're going in...
This is our second year.

We've, uh,
been on for one...

22 and six is what?
28 shows.

Wow. So you've been
doing that show

for a year and a half?

Right.
Boy...

That is great.
That is great.

Eight years
we've been on.

Have you,
uh... did...

Has your show
ever won, uh, the Emmy?

So, are you doing a lot
of Broadway now or...?

Um...
Are you gonna...?

(whispering)
Show 'em my CD.

I don't... I didn't...

We don't,
for some reason,

have your new CD here.

(laughter)

It is-- If someone
backstage could get it,

it is on my desk
in my office,

because
I was playing it,

and I can't tell you
how much I love it.

I'm not kidding.

It is called, uh...

You know, I don't
remember the...

I love the picture
of you on the front.

There's a picture
of you like this.

I have one.

Look. I'm not kidding.
There's Mandy.

Can we get a shot
of that in any way?

(applause)

That is Mandy,
uh, thinking.

Open it up.

I will open it up.

You're very pushy.

(laughter)

I'm going to open it up,
but I can't play it.

We don't have
a CD player here.

What are you gonna ask me?
Do you have things...?

Yeah, I'm gonna ask you,
I'm gonna ask you

to tell me about
your circumcision

'cause I...
(laughing)

I could tell--
honestly, I could tell

from the way
you're pushing this CD
that you've had one.

(laughter)

Yes.
Have you had one?
Huh?

Have you had one?
I've had eight.

(laughter)

I've had eight. They keep
going back for more,

and, frankly, it is
to the point now

where it is whittled
down to nothing.
Really?

Artie, maybe
I should go out now.

Just wait a minute,
Georgie boy.

I mean, we're gonna
get you on there.

I give you
my word of honor.

But we just got to wait
for the right moment.

I told you to go
to the bathroom.

Oh, forget blame.
Tropical Storm Larry

is about to knock down
a small wood-framed house.

I've alerted the audience
to head for higher ground.

Rosie:
I do not fucking
believe this!

Larry, come on.
Here we go.

We have a problem.
Yeah, just a second.

Wow. Good news.

Want to hear
what happened?

My brand-new
$42,000 Acura Legend

has a big dent in it.

Why, you might ask,
do I have my own car

here on the lot,
parked three miles away?

Because the limo
didn't show up!

So Farrah Fawcett decided
to hit my new car!

Jesus, Larry!

I can't believe
I have to deal
with this!

Is she on next?
Yes.

Well, what are
we gonna do?
No problema.

We'll move Noah Wyle up.

Man:
We're back
in 10 seconds.

Oh, my God.
I'm burning.

Larry, I'm sorry.
We got to go.

I'm literally burning.

I... I can't believe

you didn't get to use
the bathroom.
Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus, he's doing
the potty dance.

Get a clamp.

♪ ♪

Man:
Five, four,
three, two...

We're back.

(applause)

My next guest is, uh,

a star of the hit series "ER,"

so I... I assume
there's a little, uh,

inter-medical,
uh, competition.

I've never used the phrase
"inter-medical" before.

He, uh, he has
a delightful boyish charm,

as does Mandy. I take
nothing away from him.

Please welcome
Noah Wyle. Noah?

(cheers and applause)

Noah Wyle.

(cheers and applause)

You know, you... you do
a show for eight years,

you have
an anniversary show

that you want
to be special.

Congratulations.
Thank you.

I couldn't ask for
anything more than, uh,

guys from medical shows
to be here.

(laughter)

Thank you.
I'm touched.
I have...

first of all,
you should, uh...

thank you
for being here.

My pleasure.

Do you watch the show
every night?

Every night.

Every night
for eight years.

And what, you're on
once a week?

Yes.
Well, that must
be tough. So, now...

So, uh...

Let's talk about,
uh, "ER."

Let's talk about "ER."

You are the youngest
cast member on "ER"?

I am the youngest
cast member, yes.

What a hot, hot,
hot, hot show.

Yeah, it's doing
all right.
I mean, my God.

Everybody watches "ER."

Yeah, everybody
I know does.

Mandy:
Who cares?
(laughter)

I knew we were
going to get into it.

I knew we were going
to get into it.

I don't watch it.

I don't watch
your show, either.

So you are
the youngest...

I suggest
that you don't

constantly
look to the right.
Okay.

Now tell me about
the character you play.

Now?
I play a fourth-year

medical student doing
my surgical sub-internship

in the hospital
underneath the tutorage

of Eriq La Salle's
character Dr. Benton.

You seem like you
would be kind of

the leading man
kind of guy.

You... you have an
on-air romance in "ER"?

I'm just starting
to have one.

Yeah, they cast
a young actress

named Christina Leist

to play my love interest.
Uh-huh.

Uh, and that's
coming along well.

Will you be naked
with her? I'm sorry.

Uh, maybe. Maybe.

Well, let me
ask you this.

Do you think you'll
be naked with her?

Maybe.
(laughter)

Maybe, yeah.

They don't tell us too much
about what's gonna happen.

We can't have anyone
in this hallway!

As soon as the Noah Wyle
segment is done,

we've got to clear a path
from the crash doors

all the way down
to the bathroom.

Beverly?

All clear.
Excellent.

Uh, cool it, Arthur.

You sure do like to hear
the sound of your voice.

Fred De Cordova,

you great son
of a bitch indeed.

You look fucking
terrific, buddy.

And your vocabulary
has really improved.

I've been watching
the show.

It's very, very smooth.

First class.
Thank you.

Fred. Hey, what
are you doing here?

Well, I came by
to congratulate you

on your
eighth anniversary.

Oh, that's so nice.
Thank you.

And... and, uh,
Johnny wanted me to...

to tell you how much
he enjoys your show.

Johnny?
You talked to Johnny?

Don't you need to
drain your lizard?

Excuse me.
He talked to Johnny.

What else did
Johnny have to say?

Uh, nothing about you.

He has other
things on his mind.

Larry? Larry.

Okay. Well, you
look great, Fred.

You really look great.

Thanks very much,
but you haven't seen
my lungs.

(laughter)

He should
guest host sometime.

Oh, I concur.

Ah, so do I.

Back in
20 seconds, Larry.

Oh, Jesus.
All right, look,

when k.d. lang is singing,
I'm gonna get up,

I'm gonna be coming back
here to go to the bathroom.

Clear the hallways, 'cause
my dick is gonna be out,

and it's gonna
be spraying.

We'll keep it clear
out here for you.

Yeah, we'll
form a runway

all the way up
to the bathroom.

We're back with our
eighth-anniversary show.

What a great night.

My next guest is one of
my really favorite singers.

This is her new album
called "All You Can Eat."

It's out on
Warner Brothers Records,

and she's gonna do her
hit single, "If I Were You."

k.d. lang.

(cheers and applause)

♪ ♪

♪ If I could only be ♪

♪ The queen of popularity ♪

♪ Things would just ♪

♪ Come to me so easily ♪

♪ What I ♪

♪ Would do ♪

♪ ♪

♪ What I ♪

♪ Could do ♪

♪ ♪

♪ If I could ♪

♪ Always be ♪

♪ A Miss Congeniality ♪

♪ No one ♪

♪ Could stand to be ♪

♪ Away from me ♪

♪ What I ♪

♪ Would do ♪

♪ ♪

♪ What I ♪

♪ Could do ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I could do anything ♪

♪ If I were you ♪

♪ I would have everything ♪

♪ If I were you ♪

♪ ♪

♪ What I ♪

♪ Would do ♪

♪ ♪

♪ What I ♪

♪ Could do ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I could do anything ♪

♪ If I were you ♪

♪ I would have everything ♪

♪ If I were you... ♪

Yeah!

Somebody's
in here.

Uh, Fred. Uh...

I'm sorry, but this takes
a lot longer than it used to.

All right.

I'll hurry.

No problem.

(exhaling)

Larry?
Oh, hey, hey, Farrah.

Hi.
What are you doing here?

I'm... I'm looking
for Rosie O'Donnell.

Oh, you know, she was
just looking for you.

I think she said you hit
her car or something.

I just nicked her car.

You know,
the morons at the gate

are making such
a big deal about this.

It's... I'm sorry.

You sure smell good.
Oh, thanks.

You look great.
Here. How've you been?

Oh, I've been good.

What is that
that you wear?

Oh, give me a kiss.
What are you doing?

I'm saying
hello to Larry.

Yeah, I see that.
You're supposed to be

looking for
Rosie O'Donnell.
Hey, Ryan.

I'm not talking
to you, Larry.

You bumped me
off your show.

Well, those
things happen.

Come on, let's go.
No, no.

I want to stay here

and get this thing
settled with Rosie.

Well, she's Irish.
You better be careful.

She'll kick your ass.
Oh? You're Irish.

You've never been able to.

So you have your car.
Go ahead.

If there's a problem
with my car,

you can take
me home, right?

I've got to take a piss.

Oh, God.

Man:
We're back
in ten seconds.

I've got to go
do the show.

I'm gonna find Rosie.

(muttering)
God... God.

You feel better?
I did nothing.

Pat O'Brien won't
be able to get on.

Well, I want
those fucking tickets.

Can I go?
Yes.

You got 'em.

I was interviewing
Robert Parish one time,

who I know and I've
interviewed him 100 times,

and in the middle
of the interview,

I could not,
for the life of me,

think of
the guy's name.
Right.

And I'm standing there
talking to him,

and I've got to say
his name at some point,

so I kept calling him
"big fella."
Right.

Right.
And I called him
everything but his number.

You know, "Babe."
You know?

And one time,
I forgot my own name.

We were doing the
final four, and, uh...

No, it's true. We were
doing the tournament,

and on the first couple
days of the tournament,

you do, like, 18 games.

And then, when you
see them in your house,

you're seeing me do halftime
and open for one game,

but when I'm done with yours,
I do it for another game.

So all day long,
for eight hours,

that's all I'm doing
is halftimes and openings.

It's staggered.
Right.

And on about the 15th one,
I came back, and I said,

"Hi, everybody.
I'm, uh... I'm, uh..."

and in my ear they go,
"You're Pat O'Brien.

You're Pat O'Brien."

So, I mean,
it gets wild.

Did you say, finally,
"I'm the big fella"?

(laughter)

What a great night.

This is about
as good as it gets.

Thanks for being here.

My next guest
is an old friend.

Uh, her special was
nominated for an Emmy,

and she's just,
uh, really,

really funny and one
of my favorites.

Rosie O'Donnell.
Rosie O'Donnell.

(cheers and applause)

(whistling and cheering)

Wow. I'm finally
out here.

Jeez.

A little crowded
over here.

It was like forever.
I thought I'd never get out.

I'm going to say this in
front of everyone else.

We saved the best
for last.

That is so sweet.
That's sweet, Larry.

That was sweet.
I'm going.

Wait, wait. No, no, no.
Just take it...

I'm gonna get you
in there.

Larry:
You're funny, you're
beautiful, and, uh...

so tell me about you.

You just adopted a baby,
didn't you?

Yes, I did.
With all... every...

He is a gorgeous,
lovely...

a beautiful baby boy.

With everything that is
going on in your life.

Yes, tell us about it.

It's the most wonderful
thing I ever done.

"I ever done"?
Did I go to college?

(laughter)

Do you need
a babysitter?

Do you
need a babysitter?

I do, in fact.
My older son could...

he babysits.
No kidding.

Yeah.
'Cause we both
live in New York.

Does your baby...
I know you adopted
him and all,

but did he get
circumcised?

Yes, he did, in fact.
I was listening.

He had a bris.

So you used a mohel.

Yes, I used a mohel.

And it was really scary
because, you know,

you think it's just gonna be
a pull and snip,

you know, but it's not.

It's that insertion
around the side

to loosen the...

and the mother
was crying, being...

Look at all the men
crunching over.

I like that.

And then, you know,
it wasn't fun.

It really wasn't fun.

Mandy:
Thank God you used a mohel

because if you don't
have a m...

you know, what I was
trying to say earlier

is to have
a doctor do it.

I think it has
psychological damage

in a long-term way.

I think you're probably
right, you know? And I...

Yes. Hi, Larr.
(laughing)

Hey, what's
the matter, Larry?

I... I literally...

I've never
done this before.

I have to stop the tape,
because, honestly,

I have to go
to the bathroom.

Oh, that's funny, Larry.
Can we stop? No, I do.

I have to really
take a leak.

Oh, you're gonna stop
the show? I just got here.

No. We can stop the tape,
and then we'll pick up

after I go
to the bathroom.
No, no, no.

He's kidding.
Is he kidding?

No, I'm not kidding.
Are you teasing me?

No, I really...
don't make...

I'm gonna pee.
Come on!
You have to pee?

Larry! Larry!

I used to have
a trough under here,

and someone
has taken it.

Now.
I tell you.
Listen to me, Larry,

a real man can hold
his urine, okay?

That's all
I have to say.

Don't make me laugh.
I'm gonna wet my pants.

I have to pee now
and I'm not...

This carpet can't
take any more urine.

Uh...
(cheering)

Somebody said you
needed a pair of pants.

No, we have
to stop the tape.

(cheers and applause)

Good night, everybody.

This is the best anniversary
show we've ever done.

Good night.

What an embarrassment.

Thank you.

(cheers and applause)

♪ ♪

(theme music playing)