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1
00:00:10,089 --> 00:00:12,169
(applause)
Wonderful show, gentlemen.
2
00:00:12,189 --> 00:00:15,109
Cathode-ray tubes all over
the country will be happy.
3
00:00:15,130 --> 00:00:17,200
And I'm not just blowing
smoke up your ass, my boy.
4
00:00:17,219 --> 00:00:19,029
I know you're not,
because I had
5
00:00:19,050 --> 00:00:20,250
a smoke detector
installed in my ass,
6
00:00:20,269 --> 00:00:21,259
and I don't hear
any beeping.
7
00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:22,270
Sure it's working?
8
00:00:22,289 --> 00:00:24,159
Well, the batteries
could be dead.
9
00:00:24,179 --> 00:00:26,139
My ass takes D-cells.
I'll check it later.
10
00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:29,200
Oh! Oh! Why aren't
the cameras still rolling?!
11
00:00:29,219 --> 00:00:32,129
(laughs) Great show
tonight, you guys.
12
00:00:32,149 --> 00:00:33,239
Okay, listen.
13
00:00:33,259 --> 00:00:35,219
There's a horse running
in the fifth at Santa Anita,
14
00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:37,120
a $16,000 claimer.
15
00:00:37,140 --> 00:00:40,080
That means we can buy
this horse for 16 thou.
16
00:00:40,100 --> 00:00:42,000
That's a little over
five thou apiece.
17
00:00:42,020 --> 00:00:43,140
Talk to me. Who's in?
18
00:00:43,159 --> 00:00:44,999
I'd do it, Hank,
but I made plans
19
00:00:45,020 --> 00:00:46,280
to put all my cash in a bag
and toss it over a cliff.
20
00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:49,120
No... no... Okay.
Your loss. Larry?
21
00:00:49,140 --> 00:00:50,240
I can't even afford a bag.
22
00:00:50,259 --> 00:00:53,009
Okay, listen,
it's a big mistake.
23
00:00:53,030 --> 00:00:54,150
Guys,
I'll tell you why.
24
00:00:54,170 --> 00:00:55,170
(knocking on door)
25
00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:56,239
I swear to God,
we should just hire
26
00:00:56,259 --> 00:00:59,049
a fucking woodpecker
for a sidekick.
27
00:00:59,070 --> 00:01:01,010
Uh, Larry?
Oh, excuse me.
28
00:01:01,030 --> 00:01:02,120
We have a new intern,
29
00:01:02,140 --> 00:01:04,230
and I know how it scares you
when you see someone new,
30
00:01:04,250 --> 00:01:06,130
so would you like
to say hello to her?
31
00:01:06,150 --> 00:01:08,080
You know, not today.
I don't really feel
32
00:01:08,099 --> 00:01:09,999
like meeting
anybody new today.
33
00:01:10,019 --> 00:01:11,019
Don't think of her
as a person.
34
00:01:11,039 --> 00:01:12,139
Just think
of her as an employee.
35
00:01:12,159 --> 00:01:13,289
You know,
that doesn't fool me.
36
00:01:14,010 --> 00:01:17,140
It's still someone new.
Maybe tomorrow.
37
00:01:17,159 --> 00:01:19,059
Did you nod?
Oh! I was just stretching.
38
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:21,209
No. I saw you nod.
You nodded.
Oh, that feels good.
39
00:01:21,230 --> 00:01:24,160
Uh, Larry? This is Nina.
40
00:01:24,180 --> 00:01:25,240
Oh, hi, Nina.
Hi.
41
00:01:25,260 --> 00:01:26,250
Can't wait
to meet your sisters
42
00:01:26,269 --> 00:01:27,289
the "Pinta"
and the "Santa Maria."
43
00:01:28,010 --> 00:01:30,110
(laughing)
I've heard that one before.
44
00:01:30,129 --> 00:01:32,219
Well, it dates back to
1492. I don't doubt it.
45
00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:34,050
I should do
more topical stuff.
46
00:01:34,069 --> 00:01:35,189
I'll have the writers
hop on it right away.
47
00:01:35,210 --> 00:01:36,200
That would be good.
48
00:01:36,219 --> 00:01:38,049
I'm thrilled
to be working here.
49
00:01:38,069 --> 00:01:41,009
I'm a huge fan. I watch
your show every night.
50
00:01:41,030 --> 00:01:42,090
Well, that's
what separates you
51
00:01:42,109 --> 00:01:43,189
from the others
who work here,
52
00:01:43,210 --> 00:01:46,040
but try and mix in as best
you can. Welcome aboard.
53
00:01:46,060 --> 00:01:48,040
Thank you.
If there's anything
54
00:01:48,060 --> 00:01:50,130
I could ever do
for you, just...
55
00:01:50,150 --> 00:01:52,100
Oh?
56
00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:54,270
Oh. Or not. I'll leave
that up to you.
57
00:01:54,289 --> 00:01:58,149
Uh, let's go. Larry is
very busy. He has to change.
58
00:01:58,170 --> 00:02:00,200
Oh. Well, I can't wait
to get started.
59
00:02:00,219 --> 00:02:02,289
Well, that's what separates
you from the others.
60
00:02:03,010 --> 00:02:04,280
It's a classic.
It works, you know?
61
00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:08,120
The summaries for the plots
are so ridiculously short
62
00:02:08,139 --> 00:02:11,079
that they're funny.
Okay? Look. Here.
63
00:02:11,099 --> 00:02:13,229
"Frasier."
"Frasier goes on date."
64
00:02:13,250 --> 00:02:17,130
And then you say,
"Frasier goes on date"?
65
00:02:17,150 --> 00:02:20,100
My God in heaven! Don't let
me forget to set my VCR!"
66
00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:21,260
Artie, please.
67
00:02:21,280 --> 00:02:22,270
Phil, scurry back
to your hutch
68
00:02:22,289 --> 00:02:24,239
and cogitate
a little more, my boy.
69
00:02:24,259 --> 00:02:26,069
Is it really that bad?
70
00:02:26,090 --> 00:02:27,200
Well, let's put it
this way.
71
00:02:27,219 --> 00:02:29,139
If we do
this desk piece,
72
00:02:29,159 --> 00:02:31,249
the audience
will rush the stage
73
00:02:31,270 --> 00:02:32,260
and burn down
the desk.
74
00:02:34,069 --> 00:02:36,119
I'm going to "SNL."
Don't tell us!
75
00:02:36,139 --> 00:02:39,249
Tell the career suicide
hotline! Bye-bye!
76
00:02:39,270 --> 00:02:43,040
Excuse me, Larry.
Your lunch is here.
77
00:02:43,060 --> 00:02:45,190
Hey, sand dabs?
Grilled, no butter.
78
00:02:45,210 --> 00:02:47,240
Oh, great. Great.
79
00:02:47,259 --> 00:02:49,149
Uh, see you, guys.
Where are they?
80
00:02:49,170 --> 00:02:51,060
Uh, I think they're
on Beverly's desk.
81
00:02:51,079 --> 00:02:52,079
Oh, great.
82
00:02:53,159 --> 00:02:55,139
Artie? Psst!
83
00:02:55,159 --> 00:02:57,069
Artie, can I talk to you
for just a second?
84
00:02:57,090 --> 00:02:58,260
Is it about
the fucking horse?
85
00:02:58,280 --> 00:02:59,280
No!
86
00:03:03,110 --> 00:03:05,000
So where do you
go to school?
87
00:03:05,020 --> 00:03:06,110
I just finished
my freshman year
88
00:03:06,129 --> 00:03:07,279
at the University
of Minnesota.
89
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:10,070
Hey, I went to the
University of Minnesota.
90
00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:11,100
Well, I'll take
a third from you,
91
00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:13,260
I'll put in a third,
and then...
92
00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:16,010
I'll... I'll kick in
Larry's third.
93
00:03:16,030 --> 00:03:18,240
It's the eighth anniversary
of the show coming up,
94
00:03:18,259 --> 00:03:21,229
and, uh, the horse will be
my personal gift to Larry.
95
00:03:21,250 --> 00:03:24,010
I love him so much,
Artie,
96
00:03:24,030 --> 00:03:25,100
and he doesn't know.
97
00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:28,120
He doesn't want to know.
98
00:03:28,139 --> 00:03:30,999
What cologne
are you wearing?
Sand dabs.
99
00:03:31,020 --> 00:03:32,260
I don't like to eat them.
I just rub them on.
100
00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:35,050
(laughter)
101
00:03:37,250 --> 00:03:39,120
You know, you're
much sexier in person
102
00:03:39,139 --> 00:03:42,089
than you are
on television.
103
00:03:42,110 --> 00:03:43,250
Well...
104
00:03:43,270 --> 00:03:46,290
Well...
I didn't mean to say that
105
00:03:47,009 --> 00:03:48,049
to make you feel
uncomfortable.
106
00:03:48,069 --> 00:03:50,219
I just... I just
figure it's healthier
107
00:03:50,240 --> 00:03:52,190
to say what's on your mind
instead of
108
00:03:52,210 --> 00:03:53,230
bottling it up, you know?
109
00:03:53,250 --> 00:03:56,010
How old are you?
Why?
110
00:03:56,030 --> 00:03:57,170
Because you're just
111
00:03:57,189 --> 00:04:00,039
clearly younger than me
and yet more together,
112
00:04:00,060 --> 00:04:01,280
and I find that
depressing.
113
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:03,240
What do you usually do
after the show?
114
00:04:05,030 --> 00:04:07,040
I am a sick fuck.
115
00:04:07,060 --> 00:04:08,290
I'm a sick, sick fuck.
116
00:04:09,009 --> 00:04:10,159
No, you're not.
I really am. Yes.
117
00:04:10,180 --> 00:04:12,150
No, you're a great fuck.
No, you don't understand.
118
00:04:12,169 --> 00:04:15,039
I... I can't do this.
I really can't do this.
119
00:04:15,060 --> 00:04:16,080
Why?
Because I'm...
120
00:04:16,100 --> 00:04:17,210
Why? Because I'm 18?
121
00:04:17,230 --> 00:04:21,010
Well, probably. That's
probably the main reason.
122
00:04:21,029 --> 00:04:24,109
I... I can't... and
we just can't do this.
123
00:04:24,129 --> 00:04:26,039
Who cares
what people think?
124
00:04:26,060 --> 00:04:29,240
I mean, look, I'm here
because I wanna be here.
125
00:04:29,259 --> 00:04:33,149
So just relax, okay?
126
00:04:33,170 --> 00:04:35,020
Nacho?
127
00:04:37,019 --> 00:04:39,069
Okay, well,
you know, if we do that,
128
00:04:39,090 --> 00:04:42,150
then you can't tell
anybody. Okay?
Oh!
129
00:04:42,170 --> 00:04:43,160
Okay.
All right?
130
00:04:43,180 --> 00:04:44,180
That's fine
with me.
131
00:04:44,199 --> 00:04:45,289
Promise?
Cheese?
132
00:04:46,009 --> 00:04:50,239
I'm a sick man.
I'm such a sick man.
133
00:04:50,259 --> 00:04:52,039
Man (on TV):
Say, who's the new girl
134
00:04:52,060 --> 00:04:54,280
in late-night talk show host
Larry Sanders' life?
135
00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:57,220
Well, no one seems to know,
but one thing's for sure.
136
00:04:57,240 --> 00:05:00,210
Either Larry is dating
a much younger woman
137
00:05:00,230 --> 00:05:04,220
or he has a daughter that none
of us were actually aware of.
138
00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:06,090
One thing's for sure...
139
00:05:06,110 --> 00:05:08,220
Artie:
You couldn't resist,
could you?
140
00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:11,090
You're gonna get
into the same PR hot water
141
00:05:11,110 --> 00:05:14,180
that Woody Allen got into,
splashing around with Soon-Yi.
142
00:05:14,199 --> 00:05:16,119
I don't think so.
I didn't adopt her.
143
00:05:16,139 --> 00:05:17,189
I just slept with her.
144
00:05:17,209 --> 00:05:19,099
'Cause I'm, you know,
gonna take one thing
at a time.
145
00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:22,180
Listen, I know a lot of guys
involved with women
146
00:05:22,199 --> 00:05:25,179
that are 20... hell, 50
years younger than they are,
147
00:05:25,199 --> 00:05:26,279
you know,
and it's no problem,
148
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:28,160
because they're
not in the public eye.
149
00:05:28,180 --> 00:05:30,220
But if you take this girl
to the Emmys,
150
00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:32,230
everybody in the press
is gonna take a shot at you.
151
00:05:32,250 --> 00:05:34,010
Oh, come on.
152
00:05:34,029 --> 00:05:35,119
They can go fuck
themselves, Artie.
153
00:05:35,139 --> 00:05:36,249
I've been living like
that for eight years.
154
00:05:36,269 --> 00:05:38,079
You know, I've decided
I'm not gonna worry
155
00:05:38,100 --> 00:05:39,110
about what others think.
156
00:05:39,129 --> 00:05:40,249
I'm just gonna do
what I wanna do.
157
00:05:40,269 --> 00:05:42,249
Absolutely.
It's your life,
158
00:05:42,269 --> 00:05:44,069
but you're gonna get
a lot of trouble
159
00:05:44,090 --> 00:05:45,140
if you get involved
with this girl.
160
00:05:45,159 --> 00:05:47,099
Wow. Wow. Wow.
161
00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:49,140
Have... Have you seen
the new intern?
162
00:05:49,159 --> 00:05:50,229
Extraordinary.
163
00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:53,220
Wouldn't I like to give her
the old pork sausage?
164
00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:57,130
Hello, Jimmy Dean.
Enh. Enh.
165
00:05:57,149 --> 00:05:59,289
Is there something
that you wanted?
Enh!
166
00:06:00,009 --> 00:06:01,289
'Cause we're in the
middle of something.
167
00:06:02,009 --> 00:06:04,099
Please?
No! No!
I'm just excited.
168
00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:06,270
The HAL racing
partnership--
169
00:06:06,290 --> 00:06:09,220
That stands for, you know,
Hank, Arthur, Larry--
170
00:06:09,240 --> 00:06:12,190
has just purchased
a four-year-old gelding
171
00:06:12,209 --> 00:06:14,189
by the name
of Bub's-A-Winner
172
00:06:14,209 --> 00:06:17,219
who's going to be racing
in the ninth at Santa Anita...
173
00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:20,070
Hello! This Friday.
174
00:06:21,170 --> 00:06:24,190
Larry? Larry?
175
00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:30,080
I wanna thank you
for eight wonderful years.
176
00:06:30,100 --> 00:06:31,250
This is my gift to you.
177
00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:34,080
And I love you.
178
00:06:36,129 --> 00:06:38,159
Comes the waterworks.
I'm out of here.
179
00:06:38,180 --> 00:06:40,110
I'm sorry.
I didn't wanna...
180
00:06:41,199 --> 00:06:43,279
Ah, promised myself
I wouldn't...
181
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,170
I'm telling you,
she's too young.
182
00:06:46,189 --> 00:06:47,229
Oh, stop. Stop!
How old are you?
183
00:06:47,250 --> 00:06:49,020
What is the big deal
about age?
184
00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:50,090
How old are you?
185
00:06:50,110 --> 00:06:52,020
You... you know
how old I am.
186
00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:54,220
No, you've never told me
your actual age.
187
00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:56,140
I want to know
how old you are.
188
00:06:56,159 --> 00:06:58,269
How old are you?
What does age matter?
189
00:06:58,290 --> 00:07:00,160
So you spent
the entire night together.
190
00:07:00,180 --> 00:07:01,180
What did you guys
talk about?
191
00:07:01,199 --> 00:07:04,049
Everything.
He's so great.
Yeah.
192
00:07:04,069 --> 00:07:06,079
I learned
so much from him.
Mm-hmm.
193
00:07:06,100 --> 00:07:08,220
I probably shouldn't
be talking about this.
194
00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:10,200
Oh, don't worry about it.
I won't say anything.
195
00:07:10,220 --> 00:07:12,060
Thanks.
Yeah.
196
00:07:12,079 --> 00:07:13,209
Uh, excuse me.
197
00:07:13,230 --> 00:07:15,290
Nina, can I talk to you
for a minute?
Sure.
198
00:07:16,009 --> 00:07:18,289
Um, I know that you're
trying to be helpful and all,
199
00:07:19,009 --> 00:07:22,169
but, um,
I get Larry's coffee.
200
00:07:22,189 --> 00:07:24,009
And when his lunch comes,
201
00:07:24,029 --> 00:07:27,119
you bring it to me,
and I give it to Larry.
202
00:07:27,139 --> 00:07:29,189
Okay?
Okay.
203
00:07:29,209 --> 00:07:31,209
Um...
204
00:07:31,230 --> 00:07:33,280
Oh. Sorry.
205
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:35,010
They're
sleeping together.
206
00:07:35,029 --> 00:07:36,199
Oh, that explains
the coffee.
207
00:07:36,220 --> 00:07:37,290
And the stupid grin.
208
00:07:38,009 --> 00:07:39,249
Come on.
She has a nice smile.
209
00:07:39,269 --> 00:07:41,149
I'm talking about Larry.
210
00:07:41,170 --> 00:07:43,050
If anybody should be
fucking her, it should be me.
211
00:07:43,069 --> 00:07:44,179
I'm closer to her age
than Larry.
212
00:07:44,199 --> 00:07:47,059
Between the O.J.
verdicts, "Showgirls,"
213
00:07:47,079 --> 00:07:48,219
and Larry dating
an 18-year-old,
214
00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:51,040
that's it.
I'm killing myself.
215
00:07:51,060 --> 00:07:52,200
And no jury in the world
would convict you.
216
00:07:52,220 --> 00:07:54,170
Now, how old is Larry?
217
00:07:54,189 --> 00:07:57,049
You know.
Um...
(clears throat)
218
00:07:57,069 --> 00:07:59,199
40, 42, 45, 38?
219
00:07:59,220 --> 00:08:01,050
I don't know.
It depends on his mood.
220
00:08:01,069 --> 00:08:03,269
He's 44.
How'd you know that?
221
00:08:03,290 --> 00:08:05,240
Well, I've had this
talent since I was a child.
222
00:08:05,259 --> 00:08:07,019
I can look at anyone,
223
00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:08,120
except
Victoria Principal,
224
00:08:08,139 --> 00:08:09,279
and guess exactly
how old they are.
225
00:08:10,000 --> 00:08:11,080
Okay, how old am I?
226
00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:12,170
You are 31.
227
00:08:12,189 --> 00:08:13,179
I'm 33.
228
00:08:13,199 --> 00:08:15,039
And a fucking liar.
229
00:08:15,060 --> 00:08:18,170
We're back, of course,
with John Stamos.
230
00:08:18,189 --> 00:08:23,029
So, now, let's talk more
about your trip to Broadway.
231
00:08:23,050 --> 00:08:24,120
You're going to New York,
232
00:08:24,139 --> 00:08:27,039
and when will... Tell us
what you're doing there.
233
00:08:27,060 --> 00:08:28,280
I'm gonna... I'm gonna
replace Matthew Broderick.
234
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,020
I'm doing the, uh,
235
00:08:30,040 --> 00:08:31,150
"How to Succeed
in Business" over there.
236
00:08:31,170 --> 00:08:33,050
Oh, that's great!
That's great.
237
00:08:33,070 --> 00:08:34,200
Theater... I'm gonna
be a theater guy.
238
00:08:34,220 --> 00:08:36,220
Well, you're gonna be...
I'm a theater guy.
239
00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:37,290
I go to see a movie,
I guess,
240
00:08:38,009 --> 00:08:39,039
probably once
every couple weeks.
241
00:08:39,059 --> 00:08:40,179
Absolutely.
Right. There you go.
242
00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:42,260
What kind of snack bars
do they have on Broadway?
243
00:08:42,279 --> 00:08:44,219
Better. Better.
Are they better?
244
00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:46,280
You can get alcohol there
just in case the show's
a little slow.
245
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:48,150
I have not been
to a Broadway show
246
00:08:48,169 --> 00:08:50,169
since, um...
"Pippin"?
247
00:08:50,190 --> 00:08:53,280
Well...
(laughter)
248
00:08:54,009 --> 00:08:55,079
Are you
seeing anyone now?
249
00:08:55,100 --> 00:08:56,180
What's going on?
No. No. No.
250
00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:59,020
No, no, single.
Single. And?
251
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:00,099
Yes.
You date around?
What do you...?
252
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,000
Yeah, well. Yeah.
Who are you dating?
253
00:09:02,019 --> 00:09:03,029
Anyone we know?
Anyone...?
254
00:09:03,049 --> 00:09:05,099
No. No one...
No one to speak of.
255
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:07,180
You're gonna stay
and watch Shawn Colvin.
256
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:09,140
Yeah, yeah.
Because you're a musician,
257
00:09:09,159 --> 00:09:11,109
and she's one
of my real favorites.
258
00:09:11,129 --> 00:09:12,259
She's one of our
favorites here on the show.
259
00:09:12,279 --> 00:09:14,249
Hank:
I adore her.
A real artist.
260
00:09:14,269 --> 00:09:18,119
My next guest is, uh... did
I say one of our favorites?
261
00:09:18,139 --> 00:09:20,109
Yes.
That's an understatement.
262
00:09:20,129 --> 00:09:24,119
And she's here to sing one of
our favorite songs, "Polaroids."
263
00:09:24,139 --> 00:09:25,249
Here is Shawn Colvin.
264
00:09:25,269 --> 00:09:29,099
(cheers and applause)
265
00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:32,140
♪ ♪
266
00:09:37,019 --> 00:09:39,269
♪ Please no more therapy ♪
267
00:09:39,289 --> 00:09:42,229
♪ Mother, take care of me ♪
268
00:09:42,250 --> 00:09:48,070
♪ Piece me together
with a needle and thread ♪
269
00:09:48,090 --> 00:09:50,290
♪ Wrap me in eiderdown ♪
270
00:09:51,009 --> 00:09:53,259
♪ Lace from
your wedding gown ♪
271
00:09:53,279 --> 00:09:58,259
♪ Fold me and lay me down
on your bed ♪
272
00:09:58,279 --> 00:10:01,259
♪ Or liken me to a shoe ♪
273
00:10:01,279 --> 00:10:04,169
♪ Blackened
and spit-shone through ♪
274
00:10:04,190 --> 00:10:07,140
♪ Kicking back home to you ♪
275
00:10:07,159 --> 00:10:10,009
♪ Smiling back home ♪
276
00:10:10,029 --> 00:10:12,279
♪ Singing
back home to you ♪
277
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:15,240
♪ Laughing back home
to you ♪
278
00:10:15,259 --> 00:10:20,229
♪ Dragging
back home to you ♪
279
00:10:20,250 --> 00:10:23,270
♪ I was so wary then ♪
280
00:10:23,289 --> 00:10:26,199
♪ The ugly American ♪
281
00:10:26,220 --> 00:10:29,100
♪ Thinner than oxygen ♪
282
00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:32,000
♪ Tough as a whore ♪
283
00:10:32,019 --> 00:10:34,179
♪ And I said
you can lie to me ♪
284
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:37,150
♪ I own
what's inside of me ♪
285
00:10:37,169 --> 00:10:42,249
♪ And nothing surprises me
anymore ♪
286
00:10:42,269 --> 00:10:45,189
♪ But forests in Germany ♪
287
00:10:45,210 --> 00:10:48,180
♪ Kids in the Tuileries ♪
288
00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:53,240
♪ Broken-down fortresses
in old Italy ♪
289
00:10:53,259 --> 00:10:56,179
♪ And claiming his victory ♪
290
00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:59,040
♪ Shrouded in mystery ♪
291
00:10:59,059 --> 00:11:05,019
♪ He went running away
with me, yeah ♪
292
00:11:05,039 --> 00:11:07,199
♪ Back in our home,
New York ♪
293
00:11:07,220 --> 00:11:10,100
♪ Walking these streets
forlorn ♪
294
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:13,040
♪ We all in our uniforms ♪
295
00:11:13,059 --> 00:11:16,999
♪ Black and black... ♪
296
00:11:17,019 --> 00:11:18,099
She's great,
isn't she?
297
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:19,190
Yeah.
298
00:11:22,250 --> 00:11:24,130
What are you doing?
299
00:11:24,149 --> 00:11:25,179
What the fuck are you doing?
300
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:26,250
Nothing. It's just...
301
00:11:26,269 --> 00:11:28,249
Jesus.
We've been together
eight years and...
302
00:11:28,269 --> 00:11:31,099
Oh, don't...
being sentimental,
303
00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:32,190
you know, just, uh,
304
00:11:32,210 --> 00:11:34,220
but in a professional,
platonic way.
305
00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:35,260
Please don't panic.
306
00:11:35,279 --> 00:11:37,249
You are very close
to sexual harassment.
307
00:11:37,269 --> 00:11:39,049
Hey, guys, thanks
for not coming out
308
00:11:39,070 --> 00:11:40,210
during my segment.
I appreciate that.
309
00:11:40,230 --> 00:11:43,050
♪ He left without incident ♪
310
00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:48,190
♪ Vanished into thin air ♪
311
00:11:48,210 --> 00:11:51,190
♪ Now I am always amazed ♪
312
00:11:51,210 --> 00:11:54,150
♪ Words can fill up a page ♪
313
00:11:54,169 --> 00:11:57,019
♪ Pages fill up the days ♪
314
00:11:57,039 --> 00:11:58,199
♪ Between him and me ♪
315
00:11:58,220 --> 00:12:00,010
What the fuck
do you think you're doing?
316
00:12:00,029 --> 00:12:01,069
It's
a beautiful song,
317
00:12:01,090 --> 00:12:02,170
and I have feelings,
318
00:12:02,190 --> 00:12:04,080
and thank you
for ruining it.
319
00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:05,090
All right!
Just go sit down.
320
00:12:05,110 --> 00:12:06,100
I'm just trying
to tell the guy
321
00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:07,140
the horse is running.
322
00:12:07,159 --> 00:12:10,029
I don't give a fuck about
a horse. I have a car.
323
00:12:10,049 --> 00:12:11,239
You're gonna sit down
or I'm gonna knock you down.
324
00:12:11,259 --> 00:12:13,119
God damn you.
Get over there.
325
00:12:13,139 --> 00:12:14,149
There's a woman singing.
Go. Hey.
326
00:12:14,169 --> 00:12:15,249
There's...
Don't touch me.
327
00:12:15,269 --> 00:12:17,089
Jesus.
God!
328
00:12:17,110 --> 00:12:18,250
I'm starting to feel
a little uncomfortable.
329
00:12:18,269 --> 00:12:19,999
Glad you could
stay, John.
330
00:12:20,019 --> 00:12:22,059
Or should I say,
glad you could sta-mos?
331
00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:24,050
Hey.
Thanks.
332
00:12:24,070 --> 00:12:25,180
♪ I ♪
333
00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:28,080
♪ Ohhhh ♪
334
00:12:28,100 --> 00:12:31,060
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
335
00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:36,290
♪ Ohhhh ♪
336
00:12:37,009 --> 00:12:38,089
♪ Mm-mmm ♪
337
00:12:38,110 --> 00:12:40,290
Okay, show's over,
girls.
338
00:12:41,009 --> 00:12:43,009
Larry will be coming
any second.
339
00:12:43,029 --> 00:12:44,149
Beverly, if we could
get some more popcorn,
340
00:12:44,169 --> 00:12:45,239
that would be great.
341
00:12:46,279 --> 00:12:48,099
Well, listen, honey,
342
00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:50,020
if you want
some more popcorn,
343
00:12:50,039 --> 00:12:52,219
feel free to get it
yourself. You! Get...
344
00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:55,140
Get your feet off
the table, little girl.
345
00:12:56,289 --> 00:12:59,269
Oops. I guess
this is the wrong office.
346
00:12:59,289 --> 00:13:02,279
This appears to be the
"Saved By the Bell" reunion.
347
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:05,280
Larry, cut it out.
348
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:07,260
Come on. Let's go.
349
00:13:09,259 --> 00:13:12,109
You know, I, uh,
never partied like this
350
00:13:12,129 --> 00:13:14,029
when I was that age,
by the way.
351
00:13:14,049 --> 00:13:16,009
Uh, Larry, I'm not
cleaning this up.
352
00:13:16,029 --> 00:13:18,079
Hey, they let O.J. go,
didn't they?
353
00:13:18,100 --> 00:13:19,100
Come on.
Isn't that enough?
354
00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:22,000
(laughing)
355
00:13:22,019 --> 00:13:23,109
Too mu... Too far?
356
00:13:25,220 --> 00:13:27,290
Hey, Larry? Hi.
Shawn!
357
00:13:28,009 --> 00:13:29,059
Hi.
Come on in.
358
00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:30,130
Okay.
You were
just great tonight.
359
00:13:30,149 --> 00:13:32,189
As always.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much.
360
00:13:32,210 --> 00:13:33,200
I had
such a good time.
361
00:13:33,220 --> 00:13:35,000
That was such
a beautiful song you sang.
362
00:13:35,019 --> 00:13:36,029
Oh, thanks. Thanks.
363
00:13:36,049 --> 00:13:37,159
Did you write that one?
Yeah, I did.
364
00:13:37,179 --> 00:13:39,169
Oh, it's so beautiful.
Do you like my dress?
365
00:13:39,190 --> 00:13:41,170
I do.
You look pretty tonight,
366
00:13:41,190 --> 00:13:42,210
and you're just so smart.
367
00:13:42,230 --> 00:13:44,060
It was so much fun.
You're welcome any time.
368
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:46,110
Thank you.
I don't know
how you do that.
369
00:13:46,129 --> 00:13:49,089
Well, you know, I've been
thinking about what we do,
370
00:13:49,110 --> 00:13:51,020
and I think what you do
is harder.
371
00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:53,069
I'm convinced of it.
Larry?
372
00:13:53,090 --> 00:13:55,060
Come on. We're having
dinner with my parents.
373
00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:58,040
Oh, uh, uh, Nina,
this is Shawn Colvin.
374
00:13:58,059 --> 00:13:59,079
Shawn, this is Nina.
375
00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:00,290
Hi.
Nice to meet you.
376
00:14:01,009 --> 00:14:02,049
This is the girl
you're dating, yes?
377
00:14:02,070 --> 00:14:04,130
Yes.
Cool. Great.
378
00:14:04,149 --> 00:14:06,009
And what
are you guys doing?
379
00:14:06,029 --> 00:14:08,019
Oh, we're going to have dinner
with her parents tonight
380
00:14:08,039 --> 00:14:10,089
and I'm really
looking forward to that.
381
00:14:10,110 --> 00:14:13,140
That's good. Well, maybe
they'll pop for the bill.
382
00:14:13,159 --> 00:14:15,179
Well, one can only hope.
See you later.
383
00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:16,210
Nice to meet you,
Nina.
384
00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:18,080
See you later, Shawn.
Bye.
385
00:14:18,100 --> 00:14:20,060
You think they might?
386
00:14:20,080 --> 00:14:23,080
Well, to be
completely honest,
387
00:14:23,100 --> 00:14:25,130
I was a little shocked
when she told us
388
00:14:25,149 --> 00:14:26,999
that she was
going out with you.
389
00:14:27,019 --> 00:14:28,179
But we totally approve.
390
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,130
I mean, we're huge fans
of your show.
391
00:14:30,149 --> 00:14:33,129
Oh, that's nice. Thanks.
Thanks, I appreciate that.
392
00:14:33,149 --> 00:14:36,189
Didn't you just break up
with your second wife?
393
00:14:36,210 --> 00:14:37,200
Yes, we... actually
394
00:14:37,220 --> 00:14:39,020
about a year ago.
Oh, a year.
395
00:14:39,039 --> 00:14:42,079
You know, when we can't
catch your show, we tape it,
396
00:14:42,100 --> 00:14:46,130
and then we just lie in bed
together and laugh at you.
397
00:14:46,149 --> 00:14:47,199
(laughing)
398
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:50,250
Really, it's such an honor
to meet you. Really.
399
00:14:50,269 --> 00:14:53,209
Thank you.
Really.
400
00:14:58,070 --> 00:15:01,290
Uh, you know, I just read
the new John Grisham novel,
401
00:15:02,009 --> 00:15:03,239
and it's excellent.
402
00:15:03,259 --> 00:15:06,119
It's really exciting.
It's full of surprises.
403
00:15:06,139 --> 00:15:08,289
I'll lend it to you
when I'm done with it,
okay, sweetheart?
404
00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:11,249
Mom, um, I can't stand
John Grisham.
405
00:15:11,269 --> 00:15:14,169
I think I've told you that
about a hundred times.
406
00:15:14,190 --> 00:15:16,280
Hmm. What are you
reading, Larry?
407
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,240
Uh, the menu.
I often read the menu
408
00:15:19,259 --> 00:15:21,029
right before
I actually order.
409
00:15:21,049 --> 00:15:22,049
(laughter)
410
00:15:22,070 --> 00:15:24,230
Otherwise,
I find them boring.
Oh.
411
00:15:24,250 --> 00:15:26,110
Uh, Nina...
Huh?
412
00:15:26,129 --> 00:15:28,209
Hope you're planning on
coming home for Christmas.
413
00:15:28,230 --> 00:15:30,200
I don't know yet.
414
00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:32,200
Well, what do you mean
you don't know yet?
415
00:15:32,220 --> 00:15:34,200
What else
are you gonna do?
416
00:15:34,220 --> 00:15:36,250
Well, I mean, if
I can't do anything else,
417
00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:37,259
why do you even ask?
418
00:15:37,279 --> 00:15:44,029
$1.25 minimum.
Jerks to do that.
419
00:15:44,049 --> 00:15:45,279
Can't come in here...
what if you want
420
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:47,130
something that's a dollar?
421
00:15:47,149 --> 00:15:49,289
(laughter)
422
00:15:50,009 --> 00:15:54,049
Uh, Nina, the point
is that, uh...
423
00:15:54,070 --> 00:15:56,290
I'm thinking
about plane tickets,
424
00:15:57,009 --> 00:15:59,019
'cause I'm the guy
who has to pay for 'em.
425
00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:03,050
Well, you know what, Dad?
426
00:16:03,070 --> 00:16:04,250
Uh, if it's
such a hardship to you,
427
00:16:04,269 --> 00:16:06,249
maybe you just shouldn't
buy the plane ticket at all.
428
00:16:06,269 --> 00:16:07,269
I'll just walk home.
429
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,050
Now, honey.
I just...
430
00:16:09,070 --> 00:16:10,280
He doesn't mean that.
asked a...
431
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:13,000
I just asked
a question.
432
00:16:13,019 --> 00:16:15,169
You went out with her parents?
That must have been nice.
433
00:16:15,190 --> 00:16:16,220
You didn't have to drive.
434
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:19,090
Well, I'm not saying
there weren't pluses.
435
00:16:19,110 --> 00:16:22,160
Larry! Howard Stern was
talking about us again.
436
00:16:22,179 --> 00:16:24,169
Oh.
I'll, uh...
437
00:16:24,190 --> 00:16:26,060
Beverly:
We're in a meeting, Nina.
438
00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:28,040
Oh. I'm sorry.
439
00:16:28,059 --> 00:16:29,199
It'll just be
a couple more minutes.
440
00:16:29,220 --> 00:16:31,110
Oh, okay, well, I'm gonna
go call my friend Karen,
441
00:16:31,129 --> 00:16:33,099
'cause she got it on tape.
442
00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:39,049
(groaning)
443
00:16:39,070 --> 00:16:40,180
What was that?
What was that sound?
444
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,090
Why don't you just say
what's on your mind?
445
00:16:42,110 --> 00:16:43,210
Nothin'.
What?
446
00:16:43,230 --> 00:16:45,160
No, I... I'm not
gonna say anything
447
00:16:45,179 --> 00:16:46,289
unless I get
total immunity.
448
00:16:47,009 --> 00:16:48,109
Fine. You have
total immunity.
449
00:16:48,129 --> 00:16:51,129
Okay. Larry, I think
you should grow up
450
00:16:51,149 --> 00:16:53,169
and get involved
in an adult relationship.
451
00:16:53,190 --> 00:16:55,060
No, not
this father/daughter
452
00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:56,190
bizarro thing
that you're doing here.
453
00:16:56,210 --> 00:16:57,260
I think you're
absolutely right.
454
00:16:57,279 --> 00:16:58,289
I think it's sick.
455
00:16:59,009 --> 00:17:00,089
If you don't get
your life together,
456
00:17:00,110 --> 00:17:01,250
you're gonna be
a complete freakin' mess.
457
00:17:01,269 --> 00:17:03,019
You shouldn't
be laughing.
458
00:17:03,039 --> 00:17:04,109
She's talking
about you.
459
00:17:04,130 --> 00:17:07,240
No... Larry, I'm
really talking to you.
460
00:17:09,109 --> 00:17:11,159
Sid, there's no "P"
in "ammunition."
461
00:17:11,180 --> 00:17:13,150
That's a "B."
462
00:17:13,170 --> 00:17:16,030
Never mind.
463
00:17:16,049 --> 00:17:18,029
Hanky-panky,
how did we do
464
00:17:18,049 --> 00:17:19,149
with Bub's-A-Winner
in the ninth?
465
00:17:19,170 --> 00:17:21,290
Well...
Win? Place? Show?
466
00:17:22,009 --> 00:17:23,219
Not exactly.
What do you mean?
467
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:25,220
Well, he went off
at 24-1,
468
00:17:25,240 --> 00:17:28,170
and I put
1,000 to win on him,
469
00:17:28,190 --> 00:17:31,220
and at the 16th pole,
he was nine lengths ahead.
470
00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:33,210
Oh, Jesus,
what a jackpot!
471
00:17:33,230 --> 00:17:35,100
Well, no, not exactly,
472
00:17:35,119 --> 00:17:38,039
because
then he jumped the rail,
473
00:17:38,059 --> 00:17:39,289
and he dumped
the jockey
474
00:17:40,009 --> 00:17:41,179
and ran across
the infield.
475
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:45,040
I don't know how, but he
got into the parking lot
476
00:17:45,059 --> 00:17:47,079
and out onto
Colorado Boulevard.
477
00:17:47,099 --> 00:17:48,129
Oh, God.
478
00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:50,130
Well, no, no,
the horse is fine,
479
00:17:50,150 --> 00:17:54,150
but apparently some cars
had to swerve around him,
480
00:17:54,170 --> 00:17:59,000
and we should be expecting
two, maybe three lawsuits.
481
00:17:59,019 --> 00:18:00,279
I'll see you out there.
Shit.
482
00:18:03,019 --> 00:18:05,089
You know, I don't know much
about horse racing.
483
00:18:05,109 --> 00:18:07,189
How much exactly
did we win?
484
00:18:07,210 --> 00:18:09,170
Larry!
Look! Look!
485
00:18:09,190 --> 00:18:11,050
The Black Crows
signed my CD.
486
00:18:11,069 --> 00:18:14,019
Oh, that is great.
Yes, that's...
487
00:18:17,119 --> 00:18:20,149
So... so what are you
doing after the show?
488
00:18:26,180 --> 00:18:29,220
I, uh... I'm just gonna
go home and go to sleep.
489
00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:31,220
Beat...
I'm just beat tonight.
490
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:33,250
Oh, 'cause I thought
we'd talked
491
00:18:33,269 --> 00:18:35,109
about going
Rollerblading.
492
00:18:35,130 --> 00:18:37,250
Oh, that's right.
God, I forgot. Oh, jeez.
493
00:18:37,269 --> 00:18:40,149
Oh, I can't.
I just can't tonight.
494
00:18:40,170 --> 00:18:43,010
Are you
blowing me off?
495
00:18:43,029 --> 00:18:45,179
No.
496
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,110
I can't tonight.
I think you're great.
497
00:18:47,130 --> 00:18:49,040
You are
blowing me off.
498
00:18:49,059 --> 00:18:52,279
I... I... I'm not...
499
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:54,040
I think you're great,
500
00:18:54,059 --> 00:18:58,249
and I think we should,
uh, continue to, um...
501
00:18:59,289 --> 00:19:01,289
What?
Beverly?
502
00:19:02,009 --> 00:19:05,059
Can I talk to you
a second, Beverly?
503
00:19:05,079 --> 00:19:06,269
Beverly!
504
00:19:06,289 --> 00:19:07,289
I went out
with this guy...
505
00:19:08,009 --> 00:19:09,039
really young guy once.
506
00:19:09,059 --> 00:19:11,109
It was really fun.
Did a lot for me,
507
00:19:11,130 --> 00:19:13,000
but it couldn't...
it couldn't work.
508
00:19:13,019 --> 00:19:15,269
It couldn't. There was
no interest there.
509
00:19:15,289 --> 00:19:18,019
He hadn't gone through enough.
He hadn't gone through
enough pain.
510
00:19:18,039 --> 00:19:20,269
I wish it wasn't that way,
but you need to go through
a lot of pain to be interesting.
511
00:19:20,289 --> 00:19:22,019
That's what I think.
You know what?
512
00:19:22,039 --> 00:19:23,059
That's true,
because, actually,
513
00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:25,269
I didn't get interesting
until after my first marriage,
514
00:19:25,289 --> 00:19:27,229
and then I was
so fucking interesting,
515
00:19:27,250 --> 00:19:29,070
I couldn't get out of bed
for a month.
516
00:19:29,089 --> 00:19:30,209
Well, I know
what that's like.
517
00:19:30,230 --> 00:19:32,170
I've been there.
Yeah, well,
518
00:19:32,190 --> 00:19:35,190
I'm just really
afraid that...
519
00:19:35,210 --> 00:19:38,020
you know, that I've
damaged her in some way,
520
00:19:38,039 --> 00:19:39,119
and that she's
gonna have a, you know,
521
00:19:39,140 --> 00:19:41,120
a whole different
outlook on men.
522
00:19:41,140 --> 00:19:44,150
That is such bullshit.
You are feeling guilty,
523
00:19:44,170 --> 00:19:47,080
and you're giving yourself
way too much credit.
524
00:19:47,099 --> 00:19:48,209
You don't have any
reason to feel guilty.
525
00:19:48,230 --> 00:19:52,130
She's fine. She's having
a great time over there.
526
00:19:53,140 --> 00:19:56,150
Larry:
Fucking John Stamos.
527
00:19:56,170 --> 00:19:59,140
I can't believe
they're still there.
528
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:01,090
She's faking it.
She's not having a good time.
529
00:20:01,109 --> 00:20:03,089
Because you know what?
I know. I talked to John Stamos
530
00:20:03,109 --> 00:20:04,999
for 11 minutes
the other night on the show.
531
00:20:05,019 --> 00:20:06,259
And you know what?
I nearly went into a coma.
532
00:20:06,279 --> 00:20:08,059
Well, she's laughing.
533
00:20:08,079 --> 00:20:10,019
Yeah, well, she used
to say I was funny,
534
00:20:10,039 --> 00:20:11,159
so evidently
it means nothing.
535
00:20:11,180 --> 00:20:13,030
Is this...? This is...
This is great.
536
00:20:13,049 --> 00:20:14,039
Mine's wonderful.
537
00:20:14,059 --> 00:20:16,159
Tastes like sugar.
538
00:20:16,180 --> 00:20:17,210
Well, he's
a fucking asshole.
539
00:20:17,230 --> 00:20:18,230
He won't be
on the show anymore.
540
00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:20,070
Don't have him
on your show anymore.
541
00:20:20,089 --> 00:20:21,209
John:
Hey, Larry!
542
00:20:21,230 --> 00:20:23,100
I didn't know
you were over here.
543
00:20:23,119 --> 00:20:24,109
John. God, hey, I...
544
00:20:24,130 --> 00:20:25,230
Good to see ya.
545
00:20:25,250 --> 00:20:27,220
You know Shawn
from the other night.
546
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:30,120
Hi. You sounded great,
sounded great the other night.
547
00:20:30,140 --> 00:20:31,180
Hey, Larry, you don't...
this is not
548
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:32,190
uncomfortable or anything...
549
00:20:32,210 --> 00:20:34,280
the thing with Nina?
You're not...
550
00:20:35,009 --> 00:20:37,029
Oh, gee, I didn't
even realize you were...
551
00:20:37,049 --> 00:20:38,189
I'm gonna meet
her parents tomorrow.
552
00:20:41,119 --> 00:20:43,109
You're gonna
have a great time.
553
00:20:43,130 --> 00:20:46,130
(theme music playing)
40380
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