Original subtitles

(applause) Wonderful show, gentlemen.

Cathode-ray tubes all over the country will be happy.

And I'm not just blowing smoke up your ass, my boy.

I know you're not, because I had

a smoke detector installed in my ass,

and I don't hear any beeping.

Sure it's working?

Well, the batteries could be dead.

My ass takes D-cells. I'll check it later.

Oh! Oh! Why aren't the cameras still rolling?!

(laughs) Great show tonight, you guys.

Okay, listen.

There's a horse running in the fifth at Santa Anita,

a $16,000 claimer.

That means we can buy this horse for 16 thou.

That's a little over five thou apiece.

Talk to me. Who's in?

I'd do it, Hank, but I made plans

to put all my cash in a bag and toss it over a cliff.

No... no... Okay. Your loss. Larry?

I can't even afford a bag.

Okay, listen, it's a big mistake.

Guys, I'll tell you why.

(knocking on door)

I swear to God, we should just hire

a fucking woodpecker for a sidekick.

Uh, Larry? Oh, excuse me.

We have a new intern,

and I know how it scares you when you see someone new,

so would you like to say hello to her?

You know, not today. I don't really feel

like meeting anybody new today.

Don't think of her as a person.

Just think of her as an employee.

You know, that doesn't fool me.

It's still someone new. Maybe tomorrow.

Did you nod? Oh! I was just stretching.

No. I saw you nod. You nodded. Oh, that feels good.

Uh, Larry? This is Nina.

Oh, hi, Nina. Hi.

Can't wait to meet your sisters

the "Pinta" and the "Santa Maria."

(laughing) I've heard that one before.

Well, it dates back to 1492. I don't doubt it.

I should do more topical stuff.

I'll have the writers hop on it right away.

That would be good.

I'm thrilled to be working here.

I'm a huge fan. I watch your show every night.

Well, that's what separates you

from the others who work here,

but try and mix in as best you can. Welcome aboard.

Thank you. If there's anything

I could ever do for you, just...

Oh?

Oh. Or not. I'll leave that up to you.

Uh, let's go. Larry is very busy. He has to change.

Oh. Well, I can't wait to get started.

Well, that's what separates you from the others.

It's a classic. It works, you know?

The summaries for the plots are so ridiculously short

that they're funny. Okay? Look. Here.

"Frasier." "Frasier goes on date."

And then you say, "Frasier goes on date"?

My God in heaven! Don't let me forget to set my VCR!"

Artie, please.

Phil, scurry back to your hutch

and cogitate a little more, my boy.

Is it really that bad?

Well, let's put it this way.

If we do this desk piece,

the audience will rush the stage

and burn down the desk.

I'm going to "SNL." Don't tell us!

Tell the career suicide hotline! Bye-bye!

Excuse me, Larry. Your lunch is here.

Hey, sand dabs? Grilled, no butter.

Oh, great. Great.

Uh, see you, guys. Where are they?

Uh, I think they're on Beverly's desk.

Oh, great.

Artie? Psst!

Artie, can I talk to you for just a second?

Is it about the fucking horse?

No!

So where do you go to school?

I just finished my freshman year

at the University of Minnesota.

Hey, I went to the University of Minnesota.

Well, I'll take a third from you,

I'll put in a third, and then...

I'll... I'll kick in Larry's third.

It's the eighth anniversary of the show coming up,

and, uh, the horse will be my personal gift to Larry.

I love him so much, Artie,

and he doesn't know.

He doesn't want to know.

What cologne are you wearing? Sand dabs.

I don't like to eat them. I just rub them on.

(laughter)

You know, you're much sexier in person

than you are on television.

Well...

Well... I didn't mean to say that

to make you feel uncomfortable.

I just... I just figure it's healthier

to say what's on your mind instead of

bottling it up, you know?

How old are you? Why?

Because you're just

clearly younger than me and yet more together,

and I find that depressing.

What do you usually do after the show?

I am a sick fuck.

I'm a sick, sick fuck.

No, you're not. I really am. Yes.

No, you're a great fuck. No, you don't understand.

I... I can't do this. I really can't do this.

Why? Because I'm...

Why? Because I'm 18?

Well, probably. That's probably the main reason.

I... I can't... and we just can't do this.

Who cares what people think?

I mean, look, I'm here because I wanna be here.

So just relax, okay?

Nacho?

Okay, well, you know, if we do that,

then you can't tell anybody. Okay? Oh!

Okay. All right?

That's fine with me.

Promise? Cheese?

I'm a sick man. I'm such a sick man.

Man (on TV): Say, who's the new girl

in late-night talk show host Larry Sanders' life?

Well, no one seems to know, but one thing's for sure.

Either Larry is dating a much younger woman

or he has a daughter that none of us were actually aware of.

One thing's for sure...

Artie: You couldn't resist, could you?

You're gonna get into the same PR hot water

that Woody Allen got into, splashing around with Soon-Yi.

I don't think so. I didn't adopt her.

I just slept with her.

'Cause I'm, you know, gonna take one thing at a time.

Listen, I know a lot of guys involved with women

that are 20... hell, 50 years younger than they are,

you know, and it's no problem,

because they're not in the public eye.

But if you take this girl to the Emmys,

everybody in the press is gonna take a shot at you.

Oh, come on.

They can go fuck themselves, Artie.

I've been living like that for eight years.

You know, I've decided I'm not gonna worry

about what others think.

I'm just gonna do what I wanna do.

Absolutely. It's your life,

but you're gonna get a lot of trouble

if you get involved with this girl.

Wow. Wow. Wow.

Have... Have you seen the new intern?

Extraordinary.

Wouldn't I like to give her the old pork sausage?

Hello, Jimmy Dean. Enh. Enh.

Is there something that you wanted? Enh!

'Cause we're in the middle of something.

Please? No! No! I'm just excited.

The HAL racing partnership--

That stands for, you know, Hank, Arthur, Larry--

has just purchased a four-year-old gelding

by the name of Bub's-A-Winner

who's going to be racing in the ninth at Santa Anita...

Hello! This Friday.

Larry? Larry?

I wanna thank you for eight wonderful years.

This is my gift to you.

And I love you.

Comes the waterworks. I'm out of here.

I'm sorry. I didn't wanna...

Ah, promised myself I wouldn't...

I'm telling you, she's too young.

Oh, stop. Stop! How old are you?

What is the big deal about age?

How old are you?

You... you know how old I am.

No, you've never told me your actual age.

I want to know how old you are.

How old are you? What does age matter?

So you spent the entire night together.

What did you guys talk about?

Everything. He's so great. Yeah.

I learned so much from him. Mm-hmm.

I probably shouldn't be talking about this.

Oh, don't worry about it. I won't say anything.

Thanks. Yeah.

Uh, excuse me.

Nina, can I talk to you for a minute? Sure.

Um, I know that you're trying to be helpful and all,

but, um, I get Larry's coffee.

And when his lunch comes,

you bring it to me, and I give it to Larry.

Okay? Okay.

Um...

Oh. Sorry.

They're sleeping together.

Oh, that explains the coffee.

And the stupid grin.

Come on. She has a nice smile.

I'm talking about Larry.

If anybody should be fucking her, it should be me.

I'm closer to her age than Larry.

Between the O.J. verdicts, "Showgirls,"

and Larry dating an 18-year-old,

that's it. I'm killing myself.

And no jury in the world would convict you.

Now, how old is Larry?

You know. Um... (clears throat)

40, 42, 45, 38?

I don't know. It depends on his mood.

He's 44. How'd you know that?

Well, I've had this talent since I was a child.

I can look at anyone,

except Victoria Principal,

and guess exactly how old they are.

Okay, how old am I?

You are 31.

I'm 33.

And a fucking liar.

We're back, of course, with John Stamos.

So, now, let's talk more about your trip to Broadway.

You're going to New York,

and when will... Tell us what you're doing there.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna replace Matthew Broderick.

I'm doing the, uh,

"How to Succeed in Business" over there.

Oh, that's great! That's great.

Theater... I'm gonna be a theater guy.

Well, you're gonna be... I'm a theater guy.

I go to see a movie, I guess,

probably once every couple weeks.

Absolutely. Right. There you go.

What kind of snack bars do they have on Broadway?

Better. Better. Are they better?

You can get alcohol there just in case the show's a little slow.

I have not been to a Broadway show

since, um... "Pippin"?

Well... (laughter)

Are you seeing anyone now?

What's going on? No. No. No.

No, no, single. Single. And?

Yes. You date around? What do you...?

Yeah, well. Yeah. Who are you dating?

Anyone we know? Anyone...?

No. No one... No one to speak of.

You're gonna stay and watch Shawn Colvin.

Yeah, yeah. Because you're a musician,

and she's one of my real favorites.

She's one of our favorites here on the show.

Hank: I adore her. A real artist.

My next guest is, uh... did I say one of our favorites?

Yes. That's an understatement.

And she's here to sing one of our favorite songs, "Polaroids."

Here is Shawn Colvin.

(cheers and applause)

♪ ♪

♪ Please no more therapy ♪

♪ Mother, take care of me ♪

♪ Piece me together with a needle and thread ♪

♪ Wrap me in eiderdown ♪

♪ Lace from your wedding gown ♪

♪ Fold me and lay me down on your bed ♪

♪ Or liken me to a shoe ♪

♪ Blackened and spit-shone through ♪

♪ Kicking back home to you ♪

♪ Smiling back home ♪

♪ Singing back home to you ♪

♪ Laughing back home to you ♪

♪ Dragging back home to you ♪

♪ I was so wary then ♪

♪ The ugly American ♪

♪ Thinner than oxygen ♪

♪ Tough as a whore ♪

♪ And I said you can lie to me ♪

♪ I own what's inside of me ♪

♪ And nothing surprises me anymore ♪

♪ But forests in Germany ♪

♪ Kids in the Tuileries ♪

♪ Broken-down fortresses in old Italy ♪

♪ And claiming his victory ♪

♪ Shrouded in mystery ♪

♪ He went running away with me, yeah ♪

♪ Back in our home, New York ♪

♪ Walking these streets forlorn ♪

♪ We all in our uniforms ♪

♪ Black and black... ♪

She's great, isn't she?

Yeah.

What are you doing?

What the fuck are you doing?

Nothing. It's just...

Jesus. We've been together eight years and...

Oh, don't... being sentimental,

you know, just, uh,

but in a professional, platonic way.

Please don't panic.

You are very close to sexual harassment.

Hey, guys, thanks for not coming out

during my segment. I appreciate that.

♪ He left without incident ♪

♪ Vanished into thin air ♪

♪ Now I am always amazed ♪

♪ Words can fill up a page ♪

♪ Pages fill up the days ♪

♪ Between him and me ♪

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

It's a beautiful song,

and I have feelings,

and thank you for ruining it.

All right! Just go sit down.

I'm just trying to tell the guy

the horse is running.

I don't give a fuck about a horse. I have a car.

You're gonna sit down or I'm gonna knock you down.

God damn you. Get over there.

There's a woman singing. Go. Hey.

There's... Don't touch me.

Jesus. God!

I'm starting to feel a little uncomfortable.

Glad you could stay, John.

Or should I say, glad you could sta-mos?

Hey. Thanks.

♪ I ♪

♪ Ohhhh ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Ohhhh ♪

♪ Mm-mmm ♪

Okay, show's over, girls.

Larry will be coming any second.

Beverly, if we could get some more popcorn,

that would be great.

Well, listen, honey,

if you want some more popcorn,

feel free to get it yourself. You! Get...

Get your feet off the table, little girl.

Oops. I guess this is the wrong office.

This appears to be the "Saved By the Bell" reunion.

Larry, cut it out.

Come on. Let's go.

You know, I, uh, never partied like this

when I was that age, by the way.

Uh, Larry, I'm not cleaning this up.

Hey, they let O.J. go, didn't they?

Come on. Isn't that enough?

(laughing)

Too mu... Too far?

Hey, Larry? Hi. Shawn!

Hi. Come on in.

Okay. You were just great tonight.

As always. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

I had such a good time.

That was such a beautiful song you sang.

Oh, thanks. Thanks.

Did you write that one? Yeah, I did.

Oh, it's so beautiful. Do you like my dress?

I do. You look pretty tonight,

and you're just so smart.

It was so much fun. You're welcome any time.

Thank you. I don't know how you do that.

Well, you know, I've been thinking about what we do,

and I think what you do is harder.

I'm convinced of it. Larry?

Come on. We're having dinner with my parents.

Oh, uh, uh, Nina, this is Shawn Colvin.

Shawn, this is Nina.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

This is the girl you're dating, yes?

Yes. Cool. Great.

And what are you guys doing?

Oh, we're going to have dinner with her parents tonight

and I'm really looking forward to that.

That's good. Well, maybe they'll pop for the bill.

Well, one can only hope. See you later.

Nice to meet you, Nina.

See you later, Shawn. Bye.

You think they might?

Well, to be completely honest,

I was a little shocked when she told us

that she was going out with you.

But we totally approve.

I mean, we're huge fans of your show.

Oh, that's nice. Thanks. Thanks, I appreciate that.

Didn't you just break up with your second wife?

Yes, we... actually

about a year ago. Oh, a year.

You know, when we can't catch your show, we tape it,

and then we just lie in bed together and laugh at you.

(laughing)

Really, it's such an honor to meet you. Really.

Thank you. Really.

Uh, you know, I just read the new John Grisham novel,

and it's excellent.

It's really exciting. It's full of surprises.

I'll lend it to you when I'm done with it, okay, sweetheart?

Mom, um, I can't stand John Grisham.

I think I've told you that about a hundred times.

Hmm. What are you reading, Larry?

Uh, the menu. I often read the menu

right before I actually order.

(laughter)

Otherwise, I find them boring. Oh.

Uh, Nina... Huh?

Hope you're planning on coming home for Christmas.

I don't know yet.

Well, what do you mean you don't know yet?

What else are you gonna do?

Well, I mean, if I can't do anything else,

why do you even ask?

$1.25 minimum. Jerks to do that.

Can't come in here... what if you want

something that's a dollar?

(laughter)

Uh, Nina, the point is that, uh...

I'm thinking about plane tickets,

'cause I'm the guy who has to pay for 'em.

Well, you know what, Dad?

Uh, if it's such a hardship to you,

maybe you just shouldn't buy the plane ticket at all.

I'll just walk home.

Now, honey. I just...

He doesn't mean that. asked a...

I just asked a question.

You went out with her parents? That must have been nice.

You didn't have to drive.

Well, I'm not saying there weren't pluses.

Larry! Howard Stern was talking about us again.

Oh. I'll, uh...

Beverly: We're in a meeting, Nina.

Oh. I'm sorry.

It'll just be a couple more minutes.

Oh, okay, well, I'm gonna go call my friend Karen,

'cause she got it on tape.

(groaning)

What was that? What was that sound?

Why don't you just say what's on your mind?

Nothin'. What?

No, I... I'm not gonna say anything

unless I get total immunity.

Fine. You have total immunity.

Okay. Larry, I think you should grow up

and get involved in an adult relationship.

No, not this father/daughter

bizarro thing that you're doing here.

I think you're absolutely right.

I think it's sick.

If you don't get your life together,

you're gonna be a complete freakin' mess.

You shouldn't be laughing.

She's talking about you.

No... Larry, I'm really talking to you.

Sid, there's no "P" in "ammunition."

That's a "B."

Never mind.

Hanky-panky, how did we do

with Bub's-A-Winner in the ninth?

Well... Win? Place? Show?

Not exactly. What do you mean?

Well, he went off at 24-1,

and I put 1,000 to win on him,

and at the 16th pole, he was nine lengths ahead.

Oh, Jesus, what a jackpot!

Well, no, not exactly,

because then he jumped the rail,

and he dumped the jockey

and ran across the infield.

I don't know how, but he got into the parking lot

and out onto Colorado Boulevard.

Oh, God.

Well, no, no, the horse is fine,

but apparently some cars had to swerve around him,

and we should be expecting two, maybe three lawsuits.

I'll see you out there. Shit.

You know, I don't know much about horse racing.

How much exactly did we win?

Larry! Look! Look!

The Black Crows signed my CD.

Oh, that is great. Yes, that's...

So... so what are you doing after the show?

I, uh... I'm just gonna go home and go to sleep.

Beat... I'm just beat tonight.

Oh, 'cause I thought we'd talked

about going Rollerblading.

Oh, that's right. God, I forgot. Oh, jeez.

Oh, I can't. I just can't tonight.

Are you blowing me off?

No.

I can't tonight. I think you're great.

You are blowing me off.

I... I... I'm not...

I think you're great,

and I think we should, uh, continue to, um...

What? Beverly?

Can I talk to you a second, Beverly?

Beverly!

I went out with this guy...

really young guy once.

It was really fun. Did a lot for me,

but it couldn't... it couldn't work.

It couldn't. There was no interest there.

He hadn't gone through enough. He hadn't gone through enough pain.

I wish it wasn't that way, but you need to go through a lot of pain to be interesting.

That's what I think. You know what?

That's true, because, actually,

I didn't get interesting until after my first marriage,

and then I was so fucking interesting,

I couldn't get out of bed for a month.

Well, I know what that's like.

I've been there. Yeah, well,

I'm just really afraid that...

you know, that I've damaged her in some way,

and that she's gonna have a, you know,

a whole different outlook on men.

That is such bullshit. You are feeling guilty,

and you're giving yourself way too much credit.

You don't have any reason to feel guilty.

She's fine. She's having a great time over there.

Larry: Fucking John Stamos.

I can't believe they're still there.

She's faking it. She's not having a good time.

Because you know what? I know. I talked to John Stamos

for 11 minutes the other night on the show.

And you know what? I nearly went into a coma.

Well, she's laughing.

Yeah, well, she used to say I was funny,

so evidently it means nothing.

Is this...? This is... This is great.

Mine's wonderful.

Tastes like sugar.

Well, he's a fucking asshole.

He won't be on the show anymore.

Don't have him on your show anymore.

John: Hey, Larry!

I didn't know you were over here.

John. God, hey, I...

Good to see ya.

You know Shawn from the other night.

Hi. You sounded great, sounded great the other night.

Hey, Larry, you don't... this is not

uncomfortable or anything...

the thing with Nina? You're not...

Oh, gee, I didn't even realize you were...

I'm gonna meet her parents tomorrow.

You're gonna have a great time.

(theme music playing)