Original subtitles

In 1609, when Galileo first made this telescope...

(laughter)

it was made of salami.

(laughter)

And through this salami telescope,

he was able to make his first chart of the heavens.

(laughter)

Hey...

buona notte.

That's a nice suit.

(laughter)

What do you see there?

(laughter)

Well, I can see the Morta Della Constellation.

(laughter)

And the planet Bologna.

(laughter) Oh!

And there goes the entire "Piccoloaf" Galaxy.

(laughter)

Mmm... God, this salami stinks.

(laughter)

Well, that's 'cause you're looking through the wrong end.

(laughter)

Oh. (chuckles)

Fortunately, for all of us,

Galileo ate that telescope

and was forced to make the next one out of metal.

(laughter)

But it was a great show. He's not supposed to

ad lib during a sketch.

That thing he said about the salami stinking

totally confused me

and threw me off for the whole show.

Well, I-- I was overcome by the stench.

Well, I smelled the stench.

I didn't think it was coming from the salami.

Well, where did you think it was coming from? From you.

Oh, boys, come on. Settle down!

It's nobody's fault.

Excuse me.

Listen, the problem arises from the fact

that we lost our prop master this morning,

and the substitute,

he couldn't find a proper salami,

and he grabbed one off the set of "The Price is Right."

It must have been 10 years old.

Evidently, Bob Barker has no remaining sense of smell.

Evidently not, or he would have

stayed away from Dian Parkinson.

Well, I hear she wears a lot of cologne.

Oh, yeah.

So what about the new prop master?

Have you found one?

No. It's very difficult to find someone

who can make a salami telescope

that looks functional and it doesn't stink.

I am starving.

Artie, I-- I don't smell, do I?

(sniffing)

Uh, Larry, this is my cousin Clyde from Baltimore. Oh.

Happy to meet you, Clyde.

A pleasure, yeah. Uh-huh. Listen, I'm starved.

I've gotta eat something. Oh, I, um...

I have your melon. Thanks.

I also have reservations for you, um,

at, um, Ivy at the Shore at 9:00.

9:00? That's too late.

I can change it to 8:00.

(clears throat) 8:30?

Well... 8:30.

9:00 sounds right.

All right.

Um-- Did you get, uh, any news about the bird?

Oh, yes. I called L.A. Birds and Fish. Yeah?

They have an umbrella cockatoo

that already says, "Hello, Daddy,"

so they're gonna hold it for you for 24 hours.

You can go look at it or even talk to it. Oh!

Well, actually, I'd-- I'd prefer a bird

that could sing me to sleep rather than just talk.

Beverly, try a songbird.

Tasmanian two-tufted canary

has a lovely bel canto.

♪ Br-r-r-r-r r-r-roo-roo ♪

Oh, I'm getting drowsy already.

Um, Artie, this is my cousin Clyde.

Hey. How you doin'? How are you?

Oh, Larry, I have a favor to ask you. Mm-hmm.

Would you sign this petition?

It's for citizens who support affirmative action.

Oh! As soon as we get 1,000 signatures,

we're gonna take out a full-page ad

in the "L.A. Times."

And the signatures will be in the ad?

Yeah. Oh, well, gee, I don't know.

I can't take a political stand publicly, Beverly.

It'll alienate some of my audience,

and, uh, I honestly don't want to see Leno

get one fucking new viewer

just because they disagree with my stand on affirmative action Well--

and don't know his opinion about anything.

It's okay. I mean, I was just asking so--

Well, you know, I'd love to, but, uh,

you know I support affirmative action from way back.

I-- I know. So if there's anything else I can do,

please let me know, all right?

Again, Clyde, nice meeting you,

and Beverly, by the way,

Tatiana-- I have a date with her Friday,

and she likes green, so would you make sure

to get my green shirt? Okay, I'll get it.

Good seeing you.

See? I told you he wouldn't sign it.

Look, he's just kind of sensitive

about things like that. He's a celebrity.

Beverly, what are you doin'?

What are you talkin' about, Clyde?

You know what I'm talkin' about.

Racism.

Um, do you want Mexican food or Japanese food tonight?

Would you look around you?

You are the only black person on this show.

This show is like "The Waltons."

They got their little colored girl

takin' out the garbage. Would you shut up, Clyde?

You wanna be the only fly in the buttermilk?

Look, I have known these people for a long time.

They are my friends. They are not racist.

Your little white friends. Shh!

White liberals. Could you keep it down?

White hypocrites. Could you keep it down?

They are the most dangerous kind.

They think they're doing you a favor.

Clyde, let me tell you something.

You will never change.

And Larry... Larry... he says

he's for affirmative action?

Keep your voice down, Clyde. Too much affirmative talk and not enough action.

He won't even sign a fucking petition.

You better wake up. You're a token.

Oh, God.

You'd better wake up, Beverly.

Look, did your mother send you all the way over here

so that you could just pluck my nerves?

I will ask him again when he's not so hungry.

You know what he gonna be askin' you next?

He's gonna be askin' you to shine his shoes.

Oh, please!

Say, Beverly, listen, you know those shoes Uh, yeah?

the wardrobe department sent over?

Uh, y-- yes.

Yeah. I can't find them anywhere.

I'll, uh, check wardrobe in the morning.

Good, and, uh, listen, if you do find them

and it's not too much trouble,

would you mind lacin' them up?

Beverly: No. I'm not very handy.

Thanks.

Close enough?

Hold it! Whup!

Hey. Thank you.

Good mornin'. Good morning.

Hmm...

Uh, who's on the, um, the show tonight, Paula?

Garth Brooks, Victoria Principal, Steven Wright.

Have you tried booking Wesley Snipes?

Do you have a crush on him?

(laughing) No, it's just that,

you know, I know that that drag queen movie came out.

We had Patrick Swayze on in his little skirt.

Just wondering, you know, why we didn't

have Wesley Snipes on. That's...

His skirt was at the dry cleaners

so there was a conflict.

He couldn't do it. Oh.

Paula, why don't we have more black guests on this show?

'Cause black people find Larry to be white.

Would you sign this card to Lydia?

Who's Lydia?

Lydia, the prop mistress.

She left the show yesterday so I got her a card.

Is she single?

Just write something nice. Be generous.

All right. Can I ask you a question? Mm-hmm.

(clears throat) Am I unattractive?

No. I think you're very attractive.

Good. Am I unpleasant? Am I unsuccessful? Am I unsexy?

No. I think you're very sexy.

Oh! I got your number. What?

Oh! Don't lie.

You want me to turn gay, don't you?

Oh, yes, please.

Make all of San Francisco's dreams come true.

What these women don't know is

just that I'm just a... nice guy.

That's right. Okay. Try Wendy.

Oh, Wendy said she'd see you in June.

When did it get so fucking hard to get laid in this town?

Hey, Beverly, I have those monologue jokes for Larry

whenever he's ready.

Um, do you know any black writers, Phil?

Yeah, of course. I count many black writers

among my closest friends.

Then why don't we have any black writers

working her on the show?

You don't know? No. Tell me.

Oh, well, Larry won't hire them.

I mean, personally, I think it's terrible.

I think it's unfortunate and embarrassing for all of us,

but, as Larry said, in the super-secret memo,

"If it ain't white, it ain't right."

You are such an asshole, Phil, you know that?

Hmm. You know, if you're writing an article,

don't use my name.

Paula: Victoria, are conditioners necessary?

I think so. Yeah, I think just about for everybody.

'Cause you need to close the hair follicle

and you need to make it soft and manageable when you dry it.

And how do you know when a shampoo is right?

Listen, I really don't want to talk

just about my products with Larry, okay?

Oh, of course not, no.

This is just information I wanted for myself.

Well, we just sent a really large box last week of stuff.

Yeah. That was nice.

It's just Larry hogs all the freebies.

Uh, excuse me, Paula. I don't mean to interrupt,

but I have the number to Wesley Snipes' manager.

Yeah. So do I.

Well, do you want me to call for you?

I mean, I'd be happy to. You know that.

She's in love with Wesley Snipes.

Well, he's really cute, but... Excuse me.

Is Larry using the intensive serum?

Um, I-- I-- I wouldn't know.

Uh, could I ask you a question, though? Sure.

Do you have, uh, skincare products for black people?

Yes. I mean, my products are for everybody, all races.

People always say that, but, you know,

when I put the stuff on my face, I break out.

She can get her money back.

It's a fruit phone. It's a fruit phone?

Put the banana up to your ear.

Try it. Beverly: Excuse me.

Oh, I-- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bother you, uh, interrupt.

Uh, Larry, if there's an opening in the prop department,

I think you should hire a black person.

You know, we have a-- a number of applicants

for the prop job, Beverly.

If the one who's most qualified

turns out to be black, that'd be great.

Uh, I thought you believed in affirmative action.

Beverly, mon cheri, we-- we need someone who's experienced.

There are only a handful of black prop men in the union,

and they're probably all tied up, but we'll check.

Um, Arthur, I was talking to Larry just now.

Would you excuse us, please? Hey, what?

I would like a moment alone with my boss.

Without me? Yes.

Okay, let's not overreact. Thank you.

Please? Excuse us.

Artie? Artie?

(door slamming) Um, Larry,

my cousin Clyde, who you met? Mm-hmm? Oh, yeah?

He used to work for WPJP in Baltimore. Nice guy. Nice guy.

Well, he's looking for a job.

Oh, what did he do?

Well, a little bit of everything. Uh-huh.

You know how those local stations are. Sure.

Did he do anything with props?

Well, if you mean can he make a salami telescope,

yeah, I think so. You know what I mean.

I mean, did he work-- in... No, I don't.

Does he have experience doing props for television?

Unless you give him a job,

he's not gonna have any experience.

I mean, that's how it works.

Black people will never have

as much experience as white people

because up 'til 10 years ago, black people had no props.

Well, I'll talk to Artie about it.

Oh, come on, Larry. Don't give me that, please.

I-- I've-- I've worked with you for over five years now,

and I know for a fact that if you want something done,

it gets done.

I would like some yogurt.

What? What is wrong?

Uh, Paula...

Yes, I spoke to Wesley Snipes' people.

He's in Connecticut and when he gets back, we'll discuss him doing the show.

No. This doesn't have anything to do with Wesley.

Um, I can't work for Larry anymore.

Baby, you're talki'' like it's Friday,

and it's only Wednesday.

No. Look, Paula, I, um...

I need you to cover for me.

I have an interview over at "Arsenio."

Are you serious?

Oh, my God!

That is so brave.

Yeah. Well, if Larry asks,

tell him I went out to get his yogurt.

You got it.

Beverly's quitting.

What makes you say that?

Well, she's over having a meeting right now

at Arsenio's company.

He's got a development deal with Sony

and he's looking for an assistant.

Are you sure? Oh, yeah.

Tomorrow, she's, uh, meeting with Laurence Fishburne.

Oh, God, it's because of this black thing.

Oh, don't get wound up in that.

You have done nothing wrong.

Hi. Artie, I...

I-- I-- I just heard about Lydia. I mean, that's just, uh...

That's terrible. Big loss.

Oh, well, listen,

I know you're gettin' a lot of applicants,

but I want you to burn those resumes

'cause I've got someone who can get the job done, okay?

It's my sister, Wendy.

Hold on. Wendy! Come on in here.

Wendy, I'd like you to meet Arthur.

Oh, hi, Wendy. How are you, sweetie? (indistinct)

And this is, here he is...

hey now, the one, the only, my best friend,

Larry Sanders. This is Wendy.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Artie: Forget our confusion. You know, we-- we always

had the, uh, impression that Hank was an only child.

Wendy-- Wendy, uh, worked, uh, for, was it two years

in the prop department at "Jenny Jones"

and one year on the "Wheel of Fortune" as prop meister.

Well, Wendy, we'll be very happy to look at your resume.

Oh, God, I don't have a resume.

Hank said you didn't need one.

Hank. Now, now, now, Arthur...

now, come on. We know how this business works.

It's all connections. That's how your...

your son got-- got the job.

Good-looking boy.

Okay, maybe she's not qualified to do props,

but when-- when Beverly leaves, she could be Larry's assistant.

Hank: Okay, now, just relax. Breathe.

(inhaling) Now do it.

Just do... do what I told you.

(in bad accent) 'Ello. "Larry Sanders Show."

Who's calling?

Larry's in a meeting at the moment.

Could you please hold?

Thank you and... cheerio.

I'm having a stroke.

Hey... huh? Huh? Nothin'.

Well, I see that talent runs like a cancer

through the Kingsley household.

Oh, thanks, Artie. Here we go.

All right... All right. That's...

What do you think?

We'll keep her in mind.

Beverly's quitting.

You better find an assistant ASAP.

Otherwise, Ellie Mae will be cutting up your fruit

and telling you how loverly the show was last night.

(laughter) Now...

if I've shaved with your shave gel,

Right. which is excellent...

Right. No more nicks.

I have... I, honestly, I have no more nicks,

and I use a paring knife.

(laughter)

So, it is very s-- now, so I shave,

and then I put on the moisturizer.

Good. I think I'm doing something out of order

and I don't know what it is. I shave...

All right. Okay.

Exfoliate, shave... Okay, I shave. Now let's say I shave--

No. Exfoliate, shave...

Oh, I don't use the exfoliator

before I shave. Well, you're doomed. You're doomed.

So I exfoliate... Yep.

in the shower. Right.

Wash it off...

You are doing this on your face, right?

Well...

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

If it's a weeknight.

(laughter)

Now...

(laughter)

Uh, what are you worth?

What am I worth?

Well, you must be worth-- Let's see. What time is it?

You must really be worth a lot of money

'cause it's just... you just...

I mean, you should just probably...

you must just go home and rub cash on your face.

(laughter)

You're doin' right, you know, gettin' out of here.

Great. We'll be right back with, uh, Victoria Principal.

No flipping.

(cheers and applause)

Hey, listen, uh, Victoria Principal just gave me

all these haircare products and gels and creams

and so forth, and I-- I want you to have them, okay?

Thanks. Are you quitting?

Um, I-- I was gonna talk to you about that tomorrow.

Well, instead, you just bring it up

right here in the middle of the show?

Look, Larry, you just brought it up.

Listen, why are you-- why are you quitting?

Because I need a change in my life and if I stay here,

I'm just gonna lose my identity.

What do you mean you're gonna lose your identity?

What does that mean?

Are you two married?

No.

Thank you, my dear. We'll call you soon.

I'd really love to be Larry's assistant.

I can't believe I met him. He's so hot.

Aw, he's a babe.

It's like when I met Jack Nicholson, I died.

I mean, I started kicking everyone all around.

People thought it was some sort of an earth tremor or something. He's so good-looking.

No argument here.

Listen, um, my mom's down in the car,

and I was wondering if maybe Larry could come down

and take a quick photo?

Why don't you go down and wait? He'll be right there.

Okay. Okay.

Artie... my sister made this.

What is it?

It's an Elizabeth Taylor night light.

And-- and-- and she just whipped it up in 15 seconds.

It was just amazing to watch her mind at work.

And then by the way, this is actual hair.

Why would we want this?

Well, I was thinking if we did

a celebrity night light desk piece,

this could be one.

Listen, not only is it ugly, it's a fire hazard.

If Larry turned this on, he'd go up in flames. Throw it away.

Come on. Why-- why can't she have Beverly's job?

She's as good as anyone else.

Could she play the flute for Larry? No.

Well, we had a lady in today who can.

Sometimes it's not just about the money.

It's about, "Do I even fit in over there?"

You know, "Do I belong over there?"

You know, sometimes-- sometimes, Daddy, I get so--

I get so confused, it's, like,

am I over there because I'm doing a good job?

Do they-- do they even respect me over there, or am I just a token?

How much is Fishburne gonna pay you?

$800 a week.

Stick with Larry.

But, Daddy, I...

Besides, Larry's not such a bad guy.

No.

No, he's a wonderful guy.

Let's not have David Duchovny on anymore.

I-- I literally don't have anything left to say to the guy.

Oh, yeah? Beverly sent those.

Larry: Oh, great.

"I can't believe I'm saying good-bye after all this time.

"I remember the first day

"I interviewed for the job with you.

"I came to your office and you were wearing genie pants

"and a turban. I thought it was so hysterical.

From that moment on, I knew I wanted this very special job."

I remember those genie pants. Gee.

Keep reading.

"Even though we've had our disagreements,

"with you, I've been filled with true moments

"of joy and happiness.

"Sometimes at night, I think back

"to a certain facial expression you made during the day,

"and I laugh out loud.

"You're an attractive, sensitive, warm man.

"I don't think I'm ever going to meet another like you.

"I wish I could give you a big, hot kiss,

but I know that would make you feel awkward."

"No job has ever meant so much to me as this one has.

Love... Beverly."

Is there a "P.S."?

No.

Okay, don't forget to call me. I won't.

I'm serious, Brian. I-- I will.

All right. Bye. Okay.

You take care. I will. Bye.

Okay.

Oh, say, Beverly?

Hey. Listen, I got your, um...

flowers and the letter. Thanks.

You're welcome.

And, um, I'm going to, um...

hire your cousin for that prop job.

Really? Yeah.

Yeah. 'Cause I thought about everything you said,

and I think you were right.

I-- I'm sure-- I'm sure he'll do good work for you.

I checked WPJP. It's a great station.

(chuckles) Please don't quit.

Would you stay?

I haven't eaten anything but cereal

for the last three days.

Well...

I don't...

I don't wanna quit, Larry.

Well...

Laurence Fishburne doesn't--

doesn't make me laugh.

That's why we haven't had him on.

(laughing) You're fun.

Okay.

Hey, John Francis, some kid puked in row seven!

Get the sawdust and the Lysol.

Oh!

What is it?

Did-- did Larry hire some black guy with no experience?

He worked for WPJP.

WPJP? What is that?

Excuse me. Local shit affiliate.

Did he even consider my sister?

Yes. She was too dumb.

How can you say that about my sister?

Oh, hell, cut the crap. That's not your sister.

I saw you dry-humping under the bleachers. Hey now.

All right. Young girl, you know?

I'm just tryin' to help her out. Nice try, Hank.

Job's gone.

Fucked by the black man again?

I have been working so hard today on this Barbie doll.

I made her these five monster dinosaur outfits, Yeah.

and it was so difficult 'cause they're so little.

You know how hard it is to work on somethin' that-- that little?

First your eyes, they-- they start to water, What'd you say?

and then the headaches creep up.

I mean, the headaches start comin' and-- Uh-huh, uh-huh. Clyde!

I'm very busy here.

I have to get Larry birdseed and a cuttlefish,

and I have to order him some of those new underpants,

the ones that won't leave a line

when he's wearing his tennis shorts.

Stop smackin'. You sound ridiculous.

Did you ever think Heavy D would let himself get that fat?

I don't think I could let myself get that fat. Yes. Uh-huh.

Well, I guess if they paid me that kind of money,

I'd get that fat, but then I'd have to Okay...

get a sweatsuit and work it off because I'd have to move

'cause my apartment's so small. Yes...

Well, this is working out pretty well, don't you think?

I mean, he's doin' a good job.

Beverly: Would you shut up, Clyde?

It's my guess she won't be asking you

for anything for quite some time.

I think you're right.

Um, Larry, I have a favor to ask you.

Oh, excuse me. What?

Artie? Artie?

Um, it's about Clyde.

Oh, what now?

Is there any way we could get rid of him?

No.

(theme music playing)