Original subtitles

(laughing)

Now I'm gettin' pressure from the cue card guy.

Oh! (laughing)

All right. We'll do yours, Tony.

No, that's all right. Let's see.

We'll try yours. Which one did you want to do?

Okay, we'll try it. Sure.

Now, this one... You think this one is the one to do?

Okay, here we go.

Ladies and gentlemen, this comes to you

from our cue card man Tony Mendez. Here we go.

(cheers and applause) His personal...

his personal choice.

All right. Here we go.

You know, American consumers will put up with a lot,

but Pillsbury realized

that they had finally stepped over the line

with anatomically correct Poppin' Fresh.

(cheers and applause)

All right. All right.

So he's right once. Who cares?

(cheers and applause)

Instead of the sketches that we've been doing,

we start to use the office staff

as a backstage piece,

and, hence, you know, you guys would be on camera.

Great idea!

Yeah, sort of a Larry Sanders family.

Doing what?

Comedy. Our staff?

Yes, our staff. Doing comedy?

Yes, doing comedy.

I wrote some ideas down here.

For instance, Phil, you could be the gossipy writer.

And, Paula, you could be the sour booker.

Why? Huh?

Why am I the sour booker?

It's just a character. It doesn't mean

that that's what you're like.

You'd be playing the sour booker.

Whatever.

And then we could have a nosy black secretary.

Oh, and who's gonna play that part?

Oh, come on. You'll be great.

You can do that black thing you always do.

Excuse me? That!

Look how funny that is.

And we can use the security guard with a lisp,

because I don't think anybody's

gone all the way with a lisp

since Truman Capote passed away, you know?

I believe that lisp is Castilian Spanish.

You know, like, Barcelona.

Gracias.

Well, whatever. It would be funny

because we won't be able to understand him,

and I can make fun of him, and it'll be hilarious.

I'm the gossipy writer?

Yes, and then we'd have the singing grip.

Okay, do I have to call Courteney Cox?

Because she was supposed to do

the "Waterworld" sketch with you.

Yeah, tell her there's no "Waterworld" sketch.

I think she'll be relieved, quite frankly.

You're the one who doesn't have to listen

to these pathetic guests bitch and moan

every time there's a little change.

Apparently, their little acting classes...

Okay, great meeting, everybody!

Let's get to work. Come on.

Nosy black secretary.

Oh, God. Why do you want to copy Letterman?

I don't want to copy Letterman.

By the way, I think we should have a new backdrop.

Maybe have a window behind me.

A window?

Not like a Letterman window.

A California window where you look through

and you see the military base closings.

Larry, don't put the staff on the show.

You're crossing the talent moat.

The what?

There's a moat, a canal

that goes around the castle to protect it.

In this case, the castle is our show,

and the moat is between the staff and the talent.

Uh-huh. Hence, a talent moat.

Okay, there's a moat.

Yeah, and when the drawbridge goes up every night at 11:30,

comme ça, there's only one man in the castle.

That's King Larry. Jesus.

Can't you just say you don't like the idea

without giving me all that other crap?

I hate the fucking idea, okay?

Because they'd be crossing the talent moat.

Now you got it.

Yeah, I don't know. I think a cardigan

makes me look too geeky, you know?

I'm supposed to be a gossip,

not Mr. Rogers.

Hey, Artie, you got a minute?

I have exactly two minutes, Phil.

You may have one of them.

Great. What do you think I should wear?

For what? Well, for my wardrobe

for the show tomorrow night.

You're wearing it, pal. What do you want, a cape?

No, I think that's a little too flashy.

Come here. See, I was thinking maybe a nice suit.

Just dress in your usual tasteless manner,

and when the camera's red eye shines on you,

remember, Phil, you're just a writer.

Now, where the hell are the monologue jokes?

I already gave 'em to Larry.

Those are from yesterday.

Yeah, I didn't have time to write any new ones,

but those are very solid jokes.

You know, there's a reason they sell

day-old bread at half price.

I want 20 new jokes on Larry's desk in one hour.

Fine.

(cheers and applause)

Thanks so much. Thank you.

(cheers and applause)

Well, did you see this?

Right off the top of the news,

two men were arrested here in Los Angeles last night

because they broke into Forest Lawn Cemetery

and had sex with two corpses.

Wow. If you can get arrested

every time you make love to something that doesn't move,

I'm the next Birdman of Alcatraz.

(laughter)

I'll be... I'm going right from here

to a singles cemetery, by the way.

"Hey, so, what sign were you?"

(laughter)

In a similar...

In a similar story...

a couple here in Los Angeles...

and I guess pretty wild things happen here in Los Angeles.

Last night also, actually, a couple was having sex

in their car going 70 miles an hour down the freeway,

and the car flipped five times.

I have never been able to go that long,

I swear to God.

Two flips and I fall asleep.

(laughter)

A fossil discovered in Kenya shows that man

was actually walking upright four million years ago

and was married to Anna Nicole Smith...

(laughter)

(cheering) who... who...

who has, oddly enough,

had difficulty walking upright.

(laughter) (mutters)

I'm thinking of having breast implants put in my hands

so it feels like I'm with someone.

(laughter)

You know, there's this other controversy

about women in the Miss America contest,

whether they should wear bathing suits or not.

Do you think they should wear swimsuits, Hank?

Yes, I do, because I think we should have a... a choice.

(laughter)

(cheers and applause)

(laughter)

I have no idea what that means,

but I think... I think, personally,

the swimsuits are sexist.

I think they should wear more of a cocktail waitress outfit.

(laughter)

They have just concluded a study

where they have injected a gene--

have you seen this?-- into fat rats,

causing them to lose weight immediately.

I wish I had known this before I went out

and bought one of those big exercise wheels.

(laughter)

(applause)

Because, you see...

(applause)

the rats no longer have to go on the wheel

because they have the injections.

There... there's the joke.

(laughter)

Did the monologue seem a little weak to you tonight?

That's because instead of writing,

Phil spent all day

reading Uta Hagen's "Respect for Acting."

Well, tell him to read it on his own time.

Ha! Baby, you got lucky tonight.

But will you take my advice?

Stop while you're ahead.

Would you stop worrying.

We crossed the talent creek,

and I don't think there's been a problem.

It's the talent moat, and it goes around the castle,

which in this case is our show, and with...

Are you nervous? No, excited.

Ah, it's the same thing.

Oh, by the way, I wouldn't worry

about that little thing in your voice.

What... What little thing with my voice?

Well, it just cracks a bit,

but that's not... that's not noticeable.

Oh, and don't get thrown by the lights in your face.

Sometimes... really bright

and you can't see the cue cards,

but you got your lines memorized, right?

Y-yeah. Just remember,

the audience is here to have a good time.

Okay. But...

if they smell fear,

they're gonna tear you to shreds.

I'll see you out there.

And tonight we meet the office gossip, Phil the writer,

who is the head writer here at "The Larry Sanders Show."

Let's cut backstage and catch Phil in the writers' room.

What gossip do you have for us today?

Well, uh, today in your office... Yes, sir.

an older gentleman on our staff came in,

took off his sweatpants and his briefs

and started sliding around on your leather sofa

for about 45 minutes.

(laughter)

What was he doing?

I don't know. I think he was trying to cool off or something.

It looked like he'd been working out.

He was sweating like a pig.

He left a lot of salt deposits on your sofa,

and I photographed them for you.

(laughter)

Well, didn't he see you standing there?

No, because I was under your desk.

What were you doing under my desk?

Well, I was feeling a little sick.

Good to know.

And while I was in the stall of the women's bathroom,

I found something written on the wall.

It says... (reading aloud)

And there's a phone number here,

and I tried to call it, but it's been disconnected,

so I really didn't think anything of it

until I was rooting around Paula's desk

and I found these.

(laughter)

This could be a whole new thing for me.

I could be the next Chris Elliott.

I think the world is content

with the current Chris Elliott.

Hey, Phil. Hey, Larry.

Good job. Thanks very much.

Hey, how did you come up with that girdle thing?

Oh, well, you know, people just say stuff around the office.

Oh, really? Really? So someone said I wear a girdle?

What? No. No. I'm sorry. No, they didn't.

Did they say I need to wear a girdle?

No, uh, people... nobody said anything about a girdle.

Good. Well, you just said they did, so...

No, I didn't. I, uh...

I misunderstood you, then I misspoke.

Mm-hmm. Good, then.

Okay. Hey, what are you doing Sunday?

I thought maybe we could hit the links at Bel Air.

Uh, gee, I can't. I'm uh, playing with my peers.

Okay.

Can I tell you something without you making fun of me?

Yeah, just make it quick.

I'm really nervous about doing this segment,

which is so weird because I don't care about being on TV.

I don't care about being famous or anything like that.

No, everyone wants to be famous.

I don't, honest to God.

I mean, it would be really cool

if someone from Pavement were to see this, but...

Yeah, that would be very cool.

I don't know why we're not doing the gossipy writer.

See, that's a proven bit.

How can it be proven? You've done it one time.

And what about you? You've never even performed,

except of course at the bachelor parties.

Fuck you, asshole.

Listen, just don't blow it

for the rest of us, okay, Paula?

Nervous? A little bit.

Nah. You're gonna be great. Thank you.

You are going to be great.

And don't worry about that...

that thing you do with your voice.

What thing? Well, it just...

it just cracks a bit.

Say, can I give you some professional advice?

Is it gonna hurt my feelings?

No, but when you're speaking,

uh, you want to keep that chin lower.

Whoa, not...

up, up... yeah, right there.

Yeah, because you see, the camera adds 20 pounds.

I thought it was 10 pounds.

No, no, no, that's for... that's for men.

I'll see you.

(applause)

I wish you folks were here every night.

I'm serious. You're such a good crowd.

You've come on a good night... Right.

Because tonight is the night we get to have a little visit

with our backstage staff.

Well, before that, uh, can I tell you a... a...

a really interesting thing that happened to me yesterday?

I was... it's crazy, but I was walking up my...

Why don't you hold that thought,

and why don't you tell me about it after the show

when you're driving home and I'm not there?

All right?

All right. Okay.

Because right now, as I was saying,

it's time to meet, uh, the backstage staff.

And tonight we have a visit with Paula,

our sour talent booker.

Paula? Are you there?

Hello, Larry. Hello, Paula.

You look very beautiful on camera if I may say.

Thanks.

Why don't you tell the people, uh...

who are watching...

how we book the show here.

I make phone calls. I ask people to do the show.

Uh-huh. They say no.

Right. I tell you,

and you make me cry.

Hey, hey, did you see? Were people laughing?

It was cute.

Cute?

Well, yeah, it was cute in that funny kind of way.

How funny?

People were laughing and stuff.

Did I look like shit?

No. You looked cute.

Look, the next time, though,

you want to hold your chin up,

'cause it made your face look kind of chunky.

I hate that word chunky. How chunky?

No, you looked really pretty.

Pretty? Promise?

Mm-hmm. Pretty?

Yeah. Pretty. Okay.

Then I hope someone from Pavement saw it,

because I would like to date any one of those gentlemen.

What's the Pavement?

It's a band.

Well...

Hey, Hank, what was that story

you were gonna tell on the show?

Oh, I blew a guy on the way over here.

How's that?

Can't you say something good about tonight's show?

You cut Hank off. That was good.

Oh, God. (knocking on door)

Larry, Kent is waiting to see you.

Who's that?

Kent, our stage manager. He's got some stupid idea

for something he wants to do for the show.

You want me to just tell him to come back?

No, tell him to come in.

Here come the boat people.

Hey, you may wish to talk to Joe-Joe in the commissary.

I understand he can belch our national anthem.

Well, get a tape.

Hey, Larry. Hey, Ken.

It's Kent. Kent.

What's up? Well, I don't know if you've noticed,

but when I yell, "We're clear,"

I'm actually yelling, "We're queer."

Oh, no, I never noticed that.

Well, you know, it really busts up the crew.

And you know what I was thinking was that...

Look at me, Larry.

I'm the half-naked cue card guy.

Kent: Sid, we're talking important production stuff.

Go wait in the hallway. Thank you, gentlemen.

That's very nice.

I appreciate your interest in the show.

We'll be in touch. Beverly?

Uh, come on. Show's over. Fellas, let's go.

Fucking freak show in here. Now do you understand

what I'm worried about? You know, at least Sid's

excited about the show.

Usually, he's sitting in that prop room,

sniffing those magic markers.

Yes. Now he's running around half-naked.

What an improvement. I'd say so.

Yeah? Well, listen.

There's a reason these people are not on camera.

Let's just end it. Come on. Right now.

Wait. Well, hold it. What about me?

You, my darling,

you grow lovelier every day.

Beverly: No. I'm talking about the show.

Phil gets to do it, Paula gets to do it, and I don't?

I told my mother I was gonna be on TV.

Well, stand next to me at the monitor, my darling,

and you can wave at your sweet mother to your heart's content.

I can't believe this.

It's always the black woman that gets screwed.

Beverly, please do not play the race card.

Excuse me?

Okay, look, we've veered off course.

Now we've come about.

The wind is in our sails.

Oh, come on, Artie! Don't give me

your country club metaphor bullshit!

I told everybody I know that I was gonna be on television.

I even got my legs waxed.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

We're very happy to have you here, my dear.

Do you need anything?

Actually, some water would be great.

Poland? Evian? Arrowhead?

Pellegrino?

Va bene. (knocking on door)

Hey, is that Courteney?

Yeah. Hi. I'm Hank Kingsley.

Hey, Hank. Listen, I just wanted to drop by

and just tell you how badly I feel about Kurt Cobain.

But, hey, you bounced back,

and now you got your own hit TV series.

Yeah. I think that's Courtney Love you're thinking about.

Hank, I think you need some more makeup.

Well, at least you didn't

have to go through that, you know?

Yeah. I'll see you out there.

Okay.

No way!

Oh, yeah, you have to send it to him.

Man, if this works out, I will buy you a wig.

Okay. All right, I'll talk to you later. Bye-bye.

Oh, my God!

What? What is it?

You know my friend Sasha who works at the Palladium?

Uh-huh. She's good friends

with the bass player from Weezer,

and she's gonna try and set us up,

and she's sending him the tape from last night's show.

Well, I thought you liked the guys from Pavement.

Pavement, Weezer, Afghan Whigs,

Beverly, it's all good.

Okay, what's his name?

Matt Sharp. Mmm.

You look very lovely today.

It's not too much, huh?

Mm-mmm. Well, I just thought I wanted

to wear something a little special.

My mother, she's got the whole family watching and all.

Good morning, ladies!

Why are you so chipper today?

Well, last night at King's Road,

I met this unbelievably cute waitress.

She saw me on the show, took me home,

and we rode the pony all night long.

Yuck. That is disgusting.

No, no, it was beautiful,

and her kid only woke up once.

Oh, God.

I'm off for Pellegrino.

Okay. Oh, could you do me a favor?

Could I get a veggie sandwich?

Certainly. What kind of bread?

Five-grain? Seven-grain? Organic squaw bread?

Focaccia? Va bene.

How about fruit? Mango? Papaya?

Pineapple? Ooh, kiwi. No... no skin.

Well, it is fall, but for you, it shall be spring.

(knocking on door)

Hey. Larry, look who's here.

Miss Courteney Cox. Yes, I see.

Our favorite "Friend."

Oh, thanks. Hi. How are you?

Gee, I love the show. Congratulations.

Love Sparky, Popo, the kid with the shaved head.

(laughter)

Are they taking good care of you?

Yes. Good.

Everybody's great. Really nice.

Could I also, um, if it's all right,

to get some magazines that aren't, you know, trade papers?

"Time"? "Newsweek"? "Vanity Fair"?

British "Vogue"? Va bene.

Good choice.

Say, we have a very funny remote piece

we'd like to do with you tonight

where you walk out onto the street

and actually try to pay your bus fare with a meatloaf.

Or... Meatloaf?

Well, it doesn't have to be meatloaf.

It could be, you know, spackling compound.

We'll come up with something funny.

Yeah, well, I was actually kind of hoping

that we'd get to do one of those, you know,

sketches that you do.

Those big goofy ones? They're just really funny.

Really? Yeah.

Listen, all I'm saying is,

I think we've been doing the wrong thing.

I don't think we should be doing the staff interviews

or the backstage pieces.

Letterman already does those.

Let's stick to the sketches we've always done.

No one does those anymore.

(applauding)

That's it?

That's it. Have a good show.

That's it, everyone! Have a great show!

Thank God.

I don't believe it. He's all over the place.

He's just like my father.

A hug and then a slap. It's tearing me apart.

Mariner, we found land.

You're out of your mind.

What are you talking about?

Is it that time of the month?

There is no... There is no land.

Where are you going?

That's not land. There's only water.

Hi, neighbor.

Can I borrow some sugar?

Larry: Borrow some sugar?

There's no sugar. There's only water.

How can you grow sugar when there's no water?

What is wrong with you? No land.

How can you grow sugar when there's no land?

Morty? Dave.

You watching this piece of crap?

This guy's making us all look bad.

(theme music playing)