All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S04E12_English

Hi.

So, here's
your new deal, Larry,

and it's a great one,
believe me.

Excuse us.

This is only five percent
more than I made last year.

But that's just for
doing the talk show part.

I also got you
a network series commitment,

so don't even look
at that number.

I can't help looking
at the number.

It's only
a little bit higher

than the fucking
page number, Stevie.

Look, you're being
very shortsighted here,

you know?

If you produce
another "Seinfeld,"

we're talking
$50 million,

and it's easy.

You just find
some hip, funny guy

and make him
do all the work

and you slap
your name on it!

We're back with,
uh, Chris Elliott.

(cheering and applause)
Thank you.

Let me ask you what
you've been up to.

I haven't been up to much.

I'll tell you
what the last project was.

I, uh... I was
in "Congo."

The movie "Congo"?
The movie "Congo."

Um, I was, uh,
Ape Number Three...

in "Congo."
Good job!

Uh, I was the ape
that fell out of the tree.

That's right.
Did you see it?

Well, in fact, uh,

I saw your name
on the credits

as Ape Number Three.
Right.

Actually, I had auditioned
for Ape Number Two,

uh, but that was
the ape that had to cry

because of its...
its baby.

It was holding its baby
and had to cry,

and... and that was
a little too deep for me.

The ape was actually
deeper than me.

(laughter)

So you didn't get
the Ape Number Two part.

Did not get Ape Number Two.
I got Ape Number Three.

Still, a lot of people
would be happy

to get any one
of the apes.

Uh, I guess so.

Can I say something else
at this point?

Yes, please.
If I could?

Um...
Yes.

Your audience doesn't
realize it,

but they're actually
being treated to the new me.

This is the, uh,
first talk show

that I've done...
my first guest spot, um,

post-hair transplant.

(laughter and applause)
Thank you.

Well! It looks great!

Didn't that
come in nice?

So, what, uh... what
method are you using?

Are you
using the plugs?

No, actually,
I use the patch.

(laughter)

Good show!

Did I say good show?
Yes.

You know, next month,
we're taking the show
on the road.

Have you decided
where you wanna go yet?

Uh, New York,
Las Vegas?

Did you see
Chris Elliott?

You know,
we could go to London

or camp out
on The Big Easy
in New Orleans.

He didn't leave,
did he?

Or we can try Somalia,
Jupiter, or up my ass.

Chris.
Hey.

Good job tonight.
Oh, thanks.

Really good, yeah.
It was fun.

Terrific, Chris.
Arthur.

How's that place
in Connecticut?
Oh, great.

May I tell you
how much I love
your Tostito commercials?

"Crispy."

Oh, thank you,
Arthur.

As you know, I do what
I can to sell those chips.

Give us a minute,
would you, please?

Well, then,
we'll discuss later

whether we're shooting
next month's show

in New York or
in my lovely teenage colon.

Fine.

What, uh, exactly
is a teenage colon?

It is, uh, a young,
healthy colon, I guess.

Listen, I was serious
what I said out there

about, uh, us maybe
doing a series together.

I have a commitment
from the network...
Oh, really?

...and I think
you'd be great.

Well, to be honest
with you,

I actually do have an
idea for another series.

Really?
Um, yeah.

It's an idea that
I've had for a while.

Nobody seems to be
interested in it.

Well, I would
love to hear it.
That would be great.

I've been a fan of yours
for a long time.

I'd love to work with you.
Well, then,
this is perfect.

You know what? I hate working
with a network, though.

That is
a problem.

Well, hey,
that would be my job.

You would just
be Chris Elliott. Huh?

(chuckling)

Chris Elliott.

Larry:
Yeah.
Um...

Wasn't he on Fox?

That show where he lived
with his parents?

Yes, yes,
"Get A Life."

He was
a paper boy.
Right.

That didn't last
very long, did it?

Well, you know,
it was on Fox.

You can't blame
Chris for that.

He was also on "Saturday
Night Live" last year.

Hilarious.

When was he on
"Saturday Night Live"?

Last year.
He wasn't utilized properly.

How many times
do I have to tell you?

I don't want to hear
about your fucking fan club.

Now get out of here.
I'm misting.

Oh, come on, Artie. He's
the oldest living member.

Look at him.
Look at that face.

I hope I look that
good when I'm 100.

Looks like he's
rotting from the inside.

(laughing)
You see that?

You see how...
how funny you are?

Just with
this picture.

Now, imagine how funny

Larry's gonna be
with him as a guest.

Listen,

you fly him out here,

I'll bounce it past Larry

as soon as he gets
through wasting his time

with the network
circle jerk.

How come I'm never
invited to those?

Because, Hank,
the circle is just so big,

and you and I ain't
in it,

so I don't wanna hear
any more about it.

We are looking
for a vehicle

for Cyndi Lauper.

Cyndi Lauper's great.

How do you feel
about her?
Great, great, great.

We've had Cyndi Lauper
on the show many times.

You know, she just was
on the show and sang, uh,

"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"
with Hank.

Really great song!
It was hilarious...

in small doses.

Uh, well, uh,

we have Kevin Nealon
under contract.

Look, Chris Elliott is great.
I've gotta tell you,

every time he's
on the show, he kills.

Larry, what we're really
looking for...
Uh-huh.

...is a "Friends"
type of show.
Uh-huh.

Man:
And it can be
any type of friends

as long as it takes place
in a major city.

Great,
great!

Well, I think this is
gonna work out great.

Do they
have to be friends

or could they just know
each other really well?

(laughter)

Friends.

I don't see why we're
taking the show on the road.

"Letterman in London"
was so boring.

Stop it.
It's a free vacation.

No, a free vacation
is a week off in reruns.

(whispering) Guys!
Sean's coming!

Yay!
Sean's coming!

Who's Sean?
The gay water man.

He's not gay. I have
a huge crush on him.

Beverly:
Oh, then,
he's definitely gay.

I mean, honey, please,
check out your track record.

Shut up!
Here he comes.

Brian:
Oh, yeah.

That one is definitely
a card-carrying homo.

Yes, sirree, Babs.

Oh, you think
everybody's gay.

That's not true.

The black
security guard?
Gay.

Fat grip?
Gay.

He's married.
Yeah,
to a big lesbian.

You're full
of shit.

Fresh water, ladies.

Thank you.
(chuckles)

I am a jockey.

Funny.

That is...
that's a funny idea.

Jockey's a funny word,
funny underpants,

funny... funny way
to take a position.

I'm serious.
I'm jockeying right now.

Right.
No, I'm serious.

I play a jockey
in it,

which has never
been done before,

and the whole thing
takes place at the track.

And, um, I'm
a single jockey.
Right.

So I'm always hitting
on the ladies at the track.

And most of the action
would take place--

I think it would be
a pretty easy set to do--

it would take place,
um, in the stables

where they keep the horses
in the stalls.
Mm-hmm.

And that's where we would see
the other characters in it,

the other jockeys
that come in,

the boss jockey.

And that part of it
is kind of like "Taxi"...

Right.
...which was
one of my favorites.

One of my favorite
shows, too.

You know why I think that
show was so successful?

Because they were
all, uh, friends.

Yeah!
No, absolutely.
I really do.

Absolutely.
There were lots of--

and they're friends
in this also,

because there are
the other jockeys

that come into...
to the... the stall.

Bring the script by tomorrow
and we'll take a look at it.

All right.
Let me read it.

Okay.
God, this is great!

No, I'm excited.
I am, too.

You know what the key
to producing is, Artie?

No! Enlighten me, jefe.

The key to producing is
getting out of the way

of the creative process.

Oh, let me
write that down.

"Get in the way of..."

Out.

Get out of the way.

Right.
All right, dear heart,

thank you so much,
but we have to come
to a decision

about where we're
gonna take the show.

Otherwise,
we will be doing it

from the cornfields
in Iowa

with Farmer Brown
and his Shitkickers.

Let's go to London.
I'm always funny in London.

(British accent)
'Ello! 'Ello, old chap!

'Ello.
That is funny!

London it is!
Thank you, sir.

I don't like
the food in London.

I don't wanna
go to London.

Oh...

Give me time
to make a decision.

Uh, Larry,
Oh...

Chris Elliott
sent this script over.

Hey!
Oh, good!

Please! Please don't
open that, Larry.

We just have
to make this decision.

I'm not gonna
live forever!
Yes, you are.

Uh, they're waiting for you
to rehearse on the stage.

All right.

Don't read that!
Phil is waiting!

Larry, can we please
rehearse this sketch?

I'm here, Phil.

I'm ready
when you are.

I'm ready.

I am ready also.

Great, then I'll
turn your hat on,

and we'll go.

How does it
work again?

Okay, you put
on the blindfold,

and you are
the psychic chef.
All right.

You can tell what foods are
just by touching them.

Okay. Where's
the food now?

Right in front of you.
And what do I do?

You put your hand in
and you say,

"These are
mashed potatoes."
All right.

These are mashed potatoes.

And they need
a little salt.

Artie:
Amazing, great psychic!

Was that funny?
Yeah, that's good.

Good. Okay.

And these are...

Ohh! What are those?
Those are beets.

All right, beets...
Uh-huh.

And I predict,
I see a big...

I see them
winning the lottery.

Hey, Chris, this is
a very funny bit.
Watch this.

Hey, Chris! Chris.

Artie:
Okay, Chris is here!

Let's take five,
everyone!

Take five?
Hey.

Artie:
Come on, Phil.

Hey, Phil.

Larry, hi.
Hey.

So, how did we do?

Uh, well, I read--
Did you like it?

I read it.
Yes?

It's about a jockey,
just like you said.
Right.

Uh, but I got
halfway through,

and I have to ask you,
I... I...

How does someone
your size...

become a jockey?

Well, that's what's
funny about it.

I mean, these are five guys
that are terrible jockeys.

It's partly
because of their height.

I mean...
Sure.

But you said there
would be friends in it

and, uh... and, you
know, relationships,

and these are
just angry jockeys

who seem to hate
each other.

Larry, have you
ever been to the track?

Do you know jockeys?

Because that's the dynamic
that works between jockeys.

They don't like
each other.

Well, I just don't know
if people wanna watch,

you know,
bitter jockeys...

arguing.

Mm-hmm.
You know.

Mm-hmm. Okay, so, I guess
in your perfect world,

everybody would
be holding hands

and jumping
into fountains.

Right now, that's what
you're saying, right?

Hey, all I'm saying
is the network

is thinking about
a "Friends" type show.

That's what
they're looking for.

We give 'em that
and get a show on the air.

Which is more
important?
Larry, I'll tell you right now,

I am not doing
a ripoff of "Friends."

I don't wanna...

I don't wanna do
a ripoff of "Friends"!

See, forget it.
No, this is what I got
with the network before.

I don't need to go
through it again with you.

Fine.
You know what?

I'll send it
to the network,

and I'll just
let them decide.

Thank you, sir.

That's all
I was asking for.
Good.

I would give you a big,
wet kiss on your lips,

but let's wait
till we get picked up.

Phil?
Yeah?

Yeah?

This script that Chris
Elliott wrote stinks.

Would you take it
and fix it?

Yeah.

Hey, thanks for the vote
of confidence, Larry.

Same with
this desk piece.

Ow! My neck hurts!
Give me a massage!

Don't look at me.
I have carpal tunnel

from forging
Larry's signature.

Hi, guys.
Hey.

Hey, Paula, wanna go
to dinner with me tonight?

Yes, I do.
Oh, I can't.

I'm going out to dinner
with Sean. Ha!

Shut up!
Yeah!

He came in
all hot and sweaty

from his water cooler
exertions,

so I offered him a Coke
and asked him out.

Oh, so, either he's gay

or he was really,
really thirsty.

How could he be thirsty?
He's the water man.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, we're going
to a 7:30 show of "Unzipped,"

and then maybe
we'll see a movie.

You're an asshole.
What?

Gaydar
never lies.

Hey, did you get sweet old
Harlan a ticket out here?

Oh, yeah.
Um, Hank?

I wanna talk
to you about that.
What?

Well, I, uh,
made the reservation,

but I couldn't afford
to pay for it.

Well, use
the fan club dues.

Well, there's no money
in that account.

You used most
of it up...
Shh, shh.

Shh, shh.

(quietly)
You used most of it up
on that trip to Acapulco.

I used that money
to pay

for the Hank Kingsley
Fan Club newsletter.

No! You went
on that trip,

and then you bought
those golf clubs--

Okay, repeat after me:

I used that money

to pay for the Hank Kingsley
Fan Club newsletter.

Ah!
Oh!

Okay, I got it.

Here's what you do:

You buy the guy
the ticket...
Mm-hmm.

...and then you issue
a special Hank Kingsley update,

telling them
thank you

for the flowers
and... and the cards,

and that my... my foot
is just doing nicely,

and that we are raising
the club dues
five dollars a month.

You're a good crowd.
You've come on a hot night.

My next guest
you all know

from her role as Kelly
on "Beverly Hills, 90210."

Now, we just gave
her address away.

(laughter)

Please welcome
Jennie Garth!

(cheers and applause)

Hello.

Well, aren't you lovely.

So tell me about "90210."
Are you having fun?

Yes, we're having
a good time.

We're in
our sixth season.

Well,
congratulations.

Have you been there
all six years?

Yes.

Wow,
that's unbelievable.

That's
a very long time.

What were you doing
right before that?

Uh, right before that,

I was a waitress.

Oh, that's something
else we have in common.

You were
a waitress?
Yes, I was a waitress

before I got
this talk show.
Really?

Yes, the head
of this network walked in,

and I served him, and
the next thing I knew,

why, here I am.

(laughter)

You just don't
recognize me.

If you saw me
with a tray

and a cocktail dress
on...

Honestly, I've strayed
into some awkward territory.

(laughter)

So let's deal more with your...
your days as a waitress.

You know, I'm straight
from way back.

(laughing)
Yeah!

Do you,
uh... seriously.

So, tell me about
your lifestyle.

You have...
You live on a ranch.

You're
a vegetarian.

You're a very
organic woman.
I'm a vegetarian. Yes.

Because why?
What do you...

Is it a philosophical issue
with you?

It's philosophical
as well as, um,

for health reasons.

Mm-hmm.

I feel better when
I'm not eating meat.
Mm-hmm.

Uh, my brother-in-law...
No.

Yeah,
brother-in-law.

He is a meat cutter.

Mmm.
So...

I... I come
from a very meaty family.

But I don't eat meat.

My dad is... is 64,
and, um,

he has been a vegetarian
for a week now.

(laughter)

Proving that
it's never too late.

That's right.

(laughter)

We'll come right back
with more

from, uh, Jennie Garth

after this, uh,
commercial break.

No flipping.

(cheers and applause)

Man:
We're clear!

The network
is very excited

about "The Larry Sanders
Show" in New York,

and Mayor Giuliani's
son said

that he will do
the Pied Piper sketch

as long as we don't use
real rats.

I don't wanna go
to New York.

It's too cold.
Where do you wanna go?
Tucson?

I don't know yet. I have
a lot of things on my mind.

That's why I'm out here
right now,

to get your
undivided attention.

But leave me alone
when I have--

Excuse me.
Am I doing a bad job?

Oh, no. You're doing great.
Oh, no.
Fabulous, sweetie.

I just...
Okay.

He just seems so angry.

Artie:
It's just a scheduling
problem we're having.

No, we-- there's
some other problems.

We're gonna do another
segment with you.

Oh, good.
Um, let's...

let's not talk about
Shannen Doherty, all right?

'Cause it makes me
really uncomfortable.
Really?

I just want you to know,
you're our favorite "Friend."

It's "90210," Hank.
Please?

We just hate
Brenda!

So where are
we gonna take
the show?

Seattle?
I don't know.

I'm in the middle
of many things.

Well, fine. We'll
stay in Burbank,

and the entire staff
will commit suicide.

So, what happened
to Sean? Did he quit?

No. He got transferred
to the Pacoima route.

Oh, Pacoima?
That's too bad.

Yeah, they move us
around all the time.

Oh.

Hey, you're
that Canadian guy, right?
Yeah.

Sean told me
about you.

You're not American,
but you speak American.

That's pretty wild.

So, uh,

have you seen
that movie "Unzipped"?

Yeah, I saw it last week
with my girlfriend.

Pretty boring.

So, how far away
is Pacoima?

Yeah, now, look,
this guy is 100 years old,

so no matter
how you light him,

he's probably
gonna look dead.

But make sure you
light me very well, okay?

Last time I did one
of these photo shoots,

there was so much glare
on my head,

it looked like I was wearing
a fucking miner's helmet.

Hank, this
is Mr. Wilcox.

Uh-oh.
Mr. Harlan Wilcox

from Evanbone,
Arkansas.

One hundred years young
and going strong.

It's an honor
to meet you, sir.

All right.

Well, here we go,
right this way.

Um...

there you go!

Here we go. Did you...
you have a nice flight?

Bad and bumpy.

Oh?
Yeah.

They gave us peanuts.

I can't eat peanuts.

Give me gas.

Oh.

You're
an amazing man.

Well, how does that...
I guess it...

What's it feel like
to, I mean... to just...

Did you ever think you'd
ever live to be 100?

Eh, if I did,
I would've killed myself
when I was 90.

Excuse me?
Hank?

Yeah.
Just one second.

Um, I have
a surprise for you.

I talked
to our producer,

and you are gonna
be on our show today.

No kiddin'.
That's right.

Yes?
Excuse me.

Hank, uh, Artie wanted me
to let you know,

you have to be off
the set in 15 minutes

'cause they wanna mop
the floor.

Right. I want you
to meet my, uh...

my oldest living
fan club member.

This is Harlan Wilcox.
Beverly?

Pleased
to meet you.

Hank?
15 minutes. Okay?

Welcome.

So you got the coloreds
working here, huh?

Oh, my God.

So!

When do we go on TV?

So you... you really think I did
a good job on Chris' script?

You're not... You're not
just saying that?

Phil, I think
you did a great job.

The script is much warmer
and much better.

Now I would
just like to hear
the monologue jokes.

Thanks. You know,
the really interesting thing was

is that, at first,
I didn't think I could do it.

And then, I got on this roll,
and it just...

I got...
I got psychotic, you know.

You really...
You really liked it?

I really liked it.

I sent your version
to the network
instead of Chris's.

Wow.
What did they say?

I have a meeting with them
later today. I don't know.

Please?
Great!

You know, listen,
if this thing goes,

I would really love
to work on the show.

Here's what I would do.

Let's read
the monologue jokes...
Okay.

...and see
if you keep this job.

It's fabulous.

I'm sorry I keep
making you say it
over and over again,

but I'm just
so ecstatic about it.

I think it's great--
Hi.

Oh, hey.
Sorry, I'm late.

Oh, that's all right.
Traffic.

Hi. How are you?
Very good.

Put her there.

Hi. Hi.
Nice to see you.

We were just talking
about the, uh, script.

We already started.
Uh-huh.

And we were telling
Larry how excited

we are
about this script.

Everybody
is talking about it.

That thing
about Meg

and the funky lampshades
is very cute.

(chuckling)
Thanks.

I-I'm sorry.
Who's Meg?

(laughing)
Your wife!

And I must say, it is
a very strong relationship.

Thanks.
Mm-hmm.

Well, I don't
have a wife in this.

This is the, uh...
this is the second draft.

Can I see
the script?
Well, you know what?

There's...
We twea--

This is the second draft
that we did a few changes on.

So, there's hardly
any changes at all,
but take a look and see--

Okay.
We didn't get
to have our meeting

that we normally
would have...
I'm sorry. You--

...'cause he was late.

What you did was
you changed the script?

Well...
What... what are you
telling me?

That... that's what
you're telling me?

We made
a few minor changes

that we thought would
be good, as we discussed,

and, uh, I don't think
it affects anything.

All right. Okay.

They happen to love it.
Uh-huh.

I'm sorry, minor?
Yeah.

He's married now.

Now, how can
he be married?

That gets in the way
of his relationship
with his horse.

Well, but, you know,
in your version,

I think he kept blaming
the horse for everything,

and it was a little odd,

and we all agreed
that it would be better

if it was a human being,
frankly.

Don't you think?
I do.

Larry:
Nothing's written
in stone.

This is all part
of the process.

This is all
positive.

Are they still
fucking jockeys in this?

Do you guys need
a moment alone?

Yes,
we do, Larry.

We need a minute
alone.

Gee, we'll take a second.

We have Kevin Nealon
on tonight.

He's hilarious.

And I've been thinking
maybe Kevin would be great,

like, since you have him
under contract, for this.

Chris:
Larry!

I think it's
something to consider.

Tell us more
about your move.

Oh, it's just...
sorry.

Your move back to LA.

It was very stressful.
You know, they say,

say moving is one

of the three most
stressful things in life.

Moving is one,
um...

The death of a spouse
is another one.
Mm-hmm.

And moving your dead spouse
is number three.

(laughter)

Okay, we'll be right back
with, uh, Harlan Wilcox

from Evanbone, Arkansas,

right after this break.
No flipping!

(cheers and applause)

Man:
Clear!

Artie:
They say comedy is hard

unless you're Kevin Nealon.

Thanks, Artie.

Let's, uh, have
another segment with Kevin

because the gentleman
from Hank's fan club

will not be joining us.

What do you mean?
What happened?

I don't know.

He fell down the stairs
and broke his hip.

He's on his way
back to Arkansas.

Well, what was he doing
on the stairs, Artie?

Falling,
apparently.

Will you excuse me,
please, for a minute?

Listen, I was gonna wait
till after the show, but, uh,

I just made a deal
with the network to, uh,

create a situation comedy,
and I was just wondering...

Wow, you're
really doing good.

I'm doing really good.
I'd like to, you know,

get this good thing
going.

I'd really love to,
but, you know,

I've actually had this idea
I've been shopping around town.

People don't
seem to get it,

but I'll run it by you
if you wanna hear it.

What is it?

Okay, well, basically,
I play this doctor

in an emergency room
who heals people

with his hands
just by touching them.

(theme music playing)