Original subtitles

Hi.

So, here's your new deal, Larry,

and it's a great one, believe me.

Excuse us.

This is only five percent more than I made last year.

But that's just for doing the talk show part.

I also got you a network series commitment,

so don't even look at that number.

I can't help looking at the number.

It's only a little bit higher

than the fucking page number, Stevie.

Look, you're being very shortsighted here,

you know?

If you produce another "Seinfeld,"

we're talking $50 million,

and it's easy.

You just find some hip, funny guy

and make him do all the work

and you slap your name on it!

We're back with, uh, Chris Elliott.

(cheering and applause) Thank you.

Let me ask you what you've been up to.

I haven't been up to much.

I'll tell you what the last project was.

I, uh... I was in "Congo."

The movie "Congo"? The movie "Congo."

Um, I was, uh, Ape Number Three...

in "Congo." Good job!

Uh, I was the ape that fell out of the tree.

That's right. Did you see it?

Well, in fact, uh,

I saw your name on the credits

as Ape Number Three. Right.

Actually, I had auditioned for Ape Number Two,

uh, but that was the ape that had to cry

because of its... its baby.

It was holding its baby and had to cry,

and... and that was a little too deep for me.

The ape was actually deeper than me.

(laughter)

So you didn't get the Ape Number Two part.

Did not get Ape Number Two. I got Ape Number Three.

Still, a lot of people would be happy

to get any one of the apes.

Uh, I guess so.

Can I say something else at this point?

Yes, please. If I could?

Um... Yes.

Your audience doesn't realize it,

but they're actually being treated to the new me.

This is the, uh, first talk show

that I've done... my first guest spot, um,

post-hair transplant.

(laughter and applause) Thank you.

Well! It looks great!

Didn't that come in nice?

So, what, uh... what method are you using?

Are you using the plugs?

No, actually, I use the patch.

(laughter)

Good show!

Did I say good show? Yes.

You know, next month, we're taking the show on the road.

Have you decided where you wanna go yet?

Uh, New York, Las Vegas?

Did you see Chris Elliott?

You know, we could go to London

or camp out on The Big Easy in New Orleans.

He didn't leave, did he?

Or we can try Somalia, Jupiter, or up my ass.

Chris. Hey.

Good job tonight. Oh, thanks.

Really good, yeah. It was fun.

Terrific, Chris. Arthur.

How's that place in Connecticut? Oh, great.

May I tell you how much I love your Tostito commercials?

"Crispy."

Oh, thank you, Arthur.

As you know, I do what I can to sell those chips.

Give us a minute, would you, please?

Well, then, we'll discuss later

whether we're shooting next month's show

in New York or in my lovely teenage colon.

Fine.

What, uh, exactly is a teenage colon?

It is, uh, a young, healthy colon, I guess.

Listen, I was serious what I said out there

about, uh, us maybe doing a series together.

I have a commitment from the network... Oh, really?

...and I think you'd be great.

Well, to be honest with you,

I actually do have an idea for another series.

Really? Um, yeah.

It's an idea that I've had for a while.

Nobody seems to be interested in it.

Well, I would love to hear it. That would be great.

I've been a fan of yours for a long time.

I'd love to work with you. Well, then, this is perfect.

You know what? I hate working with a network, though.

That is a problem.

Well, hey, that would be my job.

You would just be Chris Elliott. Huh?

(chuckling)

Chris Elliott.

Larry: Yeah. Um...

Wasn't he on Fox?

That show where he lived with his parents?

Yes, yes, "Get A Life."

He was a paper boy. Right.

That didn't last very long, did it?

Well, you know, it was on Fox.

You can't blame Chris for that.

He was also on "Saturday Night Live" last year.

Hilarious.

When was he on "Saturday Night Live"?

Last year. He wasn't utilized properly.

How many times do I have to tell you?

I don't want to hear about your fucking fan club.

Now get out of here. I'm misting.

Oh, come on, Artie. He's the oldest living member.

Look at him. Look at that face.

I hope I look that good when I'm 100.

Looks like he's rotting from the inside.

(laughing) You see that?

You see how... how funny you are?

Just with this picture.

Now, imagine how funny

Larry's gonna be with him as a guest.

Listen,

you fly him out here,

I'll bounce it past Larry

as soon as he gets through wasting his time

with the network circle jerk.

How come I'm never invited to those?

Because, Hank, the circle is just so big,

and you and I ain't in it,

so I don't wanna hear any more about it.

We are looking for a vehicle

for Cyndi Lauper.

Cyndi Lauper's great.

How do you feel about her? Great, great, great.

We've had Cyndi Lauper on the show many times.

You know, she just was on the show and sang, uh,

"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" with Hank.

Really great song! It was hilarious...

in small doses.

Uh, well, uh,

we have Kevin Nealon under contract.

Look, Chris Elliott is great. I've gotta tell you,

every time he's on the show, he kills.

Larry, what we're really looking for... Uh-huh.

...is a "Friends" type of show. Uh-huh.

Man: And it can be any type of friends

as long as it takes place in a major city.

Great, great!

Well, I think this is gonna work out great.

Do they have to be friends

or could they just know each other really well?

(laughter)

Friends.

I don't see why we're taking the show on the road.

"Letterman in London" was so boring.

Stop it. It's a free vacation.

No, a free vacation is a week off in reruns.

(whispering) Guys! Sean's coming!

Yay! Sean's coming!

Who's Sean? The gay water man.

He's not gay. I have a huge crush on him.

Beverly: Oh, then, he's definitely gay.

I mean, honey, please, check out your track record.

Shut up! Here he comes.

Brian: Oh, yeah.

That one is definitely a card-carrying homo.

Yes, sirree, Babs.

Oh, you think everybody's gay.

That's not true.

The black security guard? Gay.

Fat grip? Gay.

He's married. Yeah, to a big lesbian.

You're full of shit.

Fresh water, ladies.

Thank you. (chuckles)

I am a jockey.

Funny.

That is... that's a funny idea.

Jockey's a funny word, funny underpants,

funny... funny way to take a position.

I'm serious. I'm jockeying right now.

Right. No, I'm serious.

I play a jockey in it,

which has never been done before,

and the whole thing takes place at the track.

And, um, I'm a single jockey. Right.

So I'm always hitting on the ladies at the track.

And most of the action would take place--

I think it would be a pretty easy set to do--

it would take place, um, in the stables

where they keep the horses in the stalls. Mm-hmm.

And that's where we would see the other characters in it,

the other jockeys that come in,

the boss jockey.

And that part of it is kind of like "Taxi"...

Right. ...which was one of my favorites.

One of my favorite shows, too.

You know why I think that show was so successful?

Because they were all, uh, friends.

Yeah! No, absolutely. I really do.

Absolutely. There were lots of--

and they're friends in this also,

because there are the other jockeys

that come into... to the... the stall.

Bring the script by tomorrow and we'll take a look at it.

All right. Let me read it.

Okay. God, this is great!

No, I'm excited. I am, too.

You know what the key to producing is, Artie?

No! Enlighten me, jefe.

The key to producing is getting out of the way

of the creative process.

Oh, let me write that down.

"Get in the way of..."

Out.

Get out of the way.

Right. All right, dear heart,

thank you so much, but we have to come to a decision

about where we're gonna take the show.

Otherwise, we will be doing it

from the cornfields in Iowa

with Farmer Brown and his Shitkickers.

Let's go to London. I'm always funny in London.

(British accent) 'Ello! 'Ello, old chap!

'Ello. That is funny!

London it is! Thank you, sir.

I don't like the food in London.

I don't wanna go to London.

Oh...

Give me time to make a decision.

Uh, Larry, Oh...

Chris Elliott sent this script over.

Hey! Oh, good!

Please! Please don't open that, Larry.

We just have to make this decision.

I'm not gonna live forever! Yes, you are.

Uh, they're waiting for you to rehearse on the stage.

All right.

Don't read that! Phil is waiting!

Larry, can we please rehearse this sketch?

I'm here, Phil.

I'm ready when you are.

I'm ready.

I am ready also.

Great, then I'll turn your hat on,

and we'll go.

How does it work again?

Okay, you put on the blindfold,

and you are the psychic chef. All right.

You can tell what foods are just by touching them.

Okay. Where's the food now?

Right in front of you. And what do I do?

You put your hand in and you say,

"These are mashed potatoes." All right.

These are mashed potatoes.

And they need a little salt.

Artie: Amazing, great psychic!

Was that funny? Yeah, that's good.

Good. Okay.

And these are...

Ohh! What are those? Those are beets.

All right, beets... Uh-huh.

And I predict, I see a big...

I see them winning the lottery.

Hey, Chris, this is a very funny bit. Watch this.

Hey, Chris! Chris.

Artie: Okay, Chris is here!

Let's take five, everyone!

Take five? Hey.

Artie: Come on, Phil.

Hey, Phil.

Larry, hi. Hey.

So, how did we do?

Uh, well, I read-- Did you like it?

I read it. Yes?

It's about a jockey, just like you said. Right.

Uh, but I got halfway through,

and I have to ask you, I... I...

How does someone your size...

become a jockey?

Well, that's what's funny about it.

I mean, these are five guys that are terrible jockeys.

It's partly because of their height.

I mean... Sure.

But you said there would be friends in it

and, uh... and, you know, relationships,

and these are just angry jockeys

who seem to hate each other.

Larry, have you ever been to the track?

Do you know jockeys?

Because that's the dynamic that works between jockeys.

They don't like each other.

Well, I just don't know if people wanna watch,

you know, bitter jockeys...

arguing.

Mm-hmm. You know.

Mm-hmm. Okay, so, I guess in your perfect world,

everybody would be holding hands

and jumping into fountains.

Right now, that's what you're saying, right?

Hey, all I'm saying is the network

is thinking about a "Friends" type show.

That's what they're looking for.

We give 'em that and get a show on the air.

Which is more important? Larry, I'll tell you right now,

I am not doing a ripoff of "Friends."

I don't wanna...

I don't wanna do a ripoff of "Friends"!

See, forget it. No, this is what I got with the network before.

I don't need to go through it again with you.

Fine. You know what?

I'll send it to the network,

and I'll just let them decide.

Thank you, sir.

That's all I was asking for. Good.

I would give you a big, wet kiss on your lips,

but let's wait till we get picked up.

Phil? Yeah?

Yeah?

This script that Chris Elliott wrote stinks.

Would you take it and fix it?

Yeah.

Hey, thanks for the vote of confidence, Larry.

Same with this desk piece.

Ow! My neck hurts! Give me a massage!

Don't look at me. I have carpal tunnel

from forging Larry's signature.

Hi, guys. Hey.

Hey, Paula, wanna go to dinner with me tonight?

Yes, I do. Oh, I can't.

I'm going out to dinner with Sean. Ha!

Shut up! Yeah!

He came in all hot and sweaty

from his water cooler exertions,

so I offered him a Coke and asked him out.

Oh, so, either he's gay

or he was really, really thirsty.

How could he be thirsty? He's the water man.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, we're going to a 7:30 show of "Unzipped,"

and then maybe we'll see a movie.

You're an asshole. What?

Gaydar never lies.

Hey, did you get sweet old Harlan a ticket out here?

Oh, yeah. Um, Hank?

I wanna talk to you about that. What?

Well, I, uh, made the reservation,

but I couldn't afford to pay for it.

Well, use the fan club dues.

Well, there's no money in that account.

You used most of it up... Shh, shh.

Shh, shh.

(quietly) You used most of it up on that trip to Acapulco.

I used that money to pay

for the Hank Kingsley Fan Club newsletter.

No! You went on that trip,

and then you bought those golf clubs--

Okay, repeat after me:

I used that money

to pay for the Hank Kingsley Fan Club newsletter.

Ah! Oh!

Okay, I got it.

Here's what you do:

You buy the guy the ticket... Mm-hmm.

...and then you issue a special Hank Kingsley update,

telling them thank you

for the flowers and... and the cards,

and that my... my foot is just doing nicely,

and that we are raising the club dues five dollars a month.

You're a good crowd. You've come on a hot night.

My next guest you all know

from her role as Kelly on "Beverly Hills, 90210."

Now, we just gave her address away.

(laughter)

Please welcome Jennie Garth!

(cheers and applause)

Hello.

Well, aren't you lovely.

So tell me about "90210." Are you having fun?

Yes, we're having a good time.

We're in our sixth season.

Well, congratulations.

Have you been there all six years?

Yes.

Wow, that's unbelievable.

That's a very long time.

What were you doing right before that?

Uh, right before that,

I was a waitress.

Oh, that's something else we have in common.

You were a waitress? Yes, I was a waitress

before I got this talk show. Really?

Yes, the head of this network walked in,

and I served him, and the next thing I knew,

why, here I am.

(laughter)

You just don't recognize me.

If you saw me with a tray

and a cocktail dress on...

Honestly, I've strayed into some awkward territory.

(laughter)

So let's deal more with your... your days as a waitress.

You know, I'm straight from way back.

(laughing) Yeah!

Do you, uh... seriously.

So, tell me about your lifestyle.

You have... You live on a ranch.

You're a vegetarian.

You're a very organic woman. I'm a vegetarian. Yes.

Because why? What do you...

Is it a philosophical issue with you?

It's philosophical as well as, um,

for health reasons.

Mm-hmm.

I feel better when I'm not eating meat. Mm-hmm.

Uh, my brother-in-law... No.

Yeah, brother-in-law.

He is a meat cutter.

Mmm. So...

I... I come from a very meaty family.

But I don't eat meat.

My dad is... is 64, and, um,

he has been a vegetarian for a week now.

(laughter)

Proving that it's never too late.

That's right.

(laughter)

We'll come right back with more

from, uh, Jennie Garth

after this, uh, commercial break.

No flipping.

(cheers and applause)

Man: We're clear!

The network is very excited

about "The Larry Sanders Show" in New York,

and Mayor Giuliani's son said

that he will do the Pied Piper sketch

as long as we don't use real rats.

I don't wanna go to New York.

It's too cold. Where do you wanna go? Tucson?

I don't know yet. I have a lot of things on my mind.

That's why I'm out here right now,

to get your undivided attention.

But leave me alone when I have--

Excuse me. Am I doing a bad job?

Oh, no. You're doing great. Oh, no. Fabulous, sweetie.

I just... Okay.

He just seems so angry.

Artie: It's just a scheduling problem we're having.

No, we-- there's some other problems.

We're gonna do another segment with you.

Oh, good. Um, let's...

let's not talk about Shannen Doherty, all right?

'Cause it makes me really uncomfortable. Really?

I just want you to know, you're our favorite "Friend."

It's "90210," Hank. Please?

We just hate Brenda!

So where are we gonna take the show?

Seattle? I don't know.

I'm in the middle of many things.

Well, fine. We'll stay in Burbank,

and the entire staff will commit suicide.

So, what happened to Sean? Did he quit?

No. He got transferred to the Pacoima route.

Oh, Pacoima? That's too bad.

Yeah, they move us around all the time.

Oh.

Hey, you're that Canadian guy, right? Yeah.

Sean told me about you.

You're not American, but you speak American.

That's pretty wild.

So, uh,

have you seen that movie "Unzipped"?

Yeah, I saw it last week with my girlfriend.

Pretty boring.

So, how far away is Pacoima?

Yeah, now, look, this guy is 100 years old,

so no matter how you light him,

he's probably gonna look dead.

But make sure you light me very well, okay?

Last time I did one of these photo shoots,

there was so much glare on my head,

it looked like I was wearing a fucking miner's helmet.

Hank, this is Mr. Wilcox.

Uh-oh. Mr. Harlan Wilcox

from Evanbone, Arkansas.

One hundred years young and going strong.

It's an honor to meet you, sir.

All right.

Well, here we go, right this way.

Um...

there you go!

Here we go. Did you... you have a nice flight?

Bad and bumpy.

Oh? Yeah.

They gave us peanuts.

I can't eat peanuts.

Give me gas.

Oh.

You're an amazing man.

Well, how does that... I guess it...

What's it feel like to, I mean... to just...

Did you ever think you'd ever live to be 100?

Eh, if I did, I would've killed myself when I was 90.

Excuse me? Hank?

Yeah. Just one second.

Um, I have a surprise for you.

I talked to our producer,

and you are gonna be on our show today.

No kiddin'. That's right.

Yes? Excuse me.

Hank, uh, Artie wanted me to let you know,

you have to be off the set in 15 minutes

'cause they wanna mop the floor.

Right. I want you to meet my, uh...

my oldest living fan club member.

This is Harlan Wilcox. Beverly?

Pleased to meet you.

Hank? 15 minutes. Okay?

Welcome.

So you got the coloreds working here, huh?

Oh, my God.

So!

When do we go on TV?

So you... you really think I did a good job on Chris' script?

You're not... You're not just saying that?

Phil, I think you did a great job.

The script is much warmer and much better.

Now I would just like to hear the monologue jokes.

Thanks. You know, the really interesting thing was

is that, at first, I didn't think I could do it.

And then, I got on this roll, and it just...

I got... I got psychotic, you know.

You really... You really liked it?

I really liked it.

I sent your version to the network instead of Chris's.

Wow. What did they say?

I have a meeting with them later today. I don't know.

Please? Great!

You know, listen, if this thing goes,

I would really love to work on the show.

Here's what I would do.

Let's read the monologue jokes... Okay.

...and see if you keep this job.

It's fabulous.

I'm sorry I keep making you say it over and over again,

but I'm just so ecstatic about it.

I think it's great-- Hi.

Oh, hey. Sorry, I'm late.

Oh, that's all right. Traffic.

Hi. How are you? Very good.

Put her there.

Hi. Hi. Nice to see you.

We were just talking about the, uh, script.

We already started. Uh-huh.

And we were telling Larry how excited

we are about this script.

Everybody is talking about it.

That thing about Meg

and the funky lampshades is very cute.

(chuckling) Thanks.

I-I'm sorry. Who's Meg?

(laughing) Your wife!

And I must say, it is a very strong relationship.

Thanks. Mm-hmm.

Well, I don't have a wife in this.

This is the, uh... this is the second draft.

Can I see the script? Well, you know what?

There's... We twea--

This is the second draft that we did a few changes on.

So, there's hardly any changes at all, but take a look and see--

Okay. We didn't get to have our meeting

that we normally would have... I'm sorry. You--

...'cause he was late.

What you did was you changed the script?

Well... What... what are you telling me?

That... that's what you're telling me?

We made a few minor changes

that we thought would be good, as we discussed,

and, uh, I don't think it affects anything.

All right. Okay.

They happen to love it. Uh-huh.

I'm sorry, minor? Yeah.

He's married now.

Now, how can he be married?

That gets in the way of his relationship with his horse.

Well, but, you know, in your version,

I think he kept blaming the horse for everything,

and it was a little odd,

and we all agreed that it would be better

if it was a human being, frankly.

Don't you think? I do.

Larry: Nothing's written in stone.

This is all part of the process.

This is all positive.

Are they still fucking jockeys in this?

Do you guys need a moment alone?

Yes, we do, Larry.

We need a minute alone.

Gee, we'll take a second.

We have Kevin Nealon on tonight.

He's hilarious.

And I've been thinking maybe Kevin would be great,

like, since you have him under contract, for this.

Chris: Larry!

I think it's something to consider.

Tell us more about your move.

Oh, it's just... sorry.

Your move back to LA.

It was very stressful. You know, they say,

say moving is one

of the three most stressful things in life.

Moving is one, um...

The death of a spouse is another one. Mm-hmm.

And moving your dead spouse is number three.

(laughter)

Okay, we'll be right back with, uh, Harlan Wilcox

from Evanbone, Arkansas,

right after this break. No flipping!

(cheers and applause)

Man: Clear!

Artie: They say comedy is hard

unless you're Kevin Nealon.

Thanks, Artie.

Let's, uh, have another segment with Kevin

because the gentleman from Hank's fan club

will not be joining us.

What do you mean? What happened?

I don't know.

He fell down the stairs and broke his hip.

He's on his way back to Arkansas.

Well, what was he doing on the stairs, Artie?

Falling, apparently.

Will you excuse me, please, for a minute?

Listen, I was gonna wait till after the show, but, uh,

I just made a deal with the network to, uh,

create a situation comedy, and I was just wondering...

Wow, you're really doing good.

I'm doing really good. I'd like to, you know,

get this good thing going.

I'd really love to, but, you know,

I've actually had this idea I've been shopping around town.

People don't seem to get it,

but I'll run it by you if you wanna hear it.

What is it?

Okay, well, basically, I play this doctor

in an emergency room who heals people

with his hands just by touching them.

(theme music playing)