Original subtitles

(indistinct chattering)

Good morning, Brian!

Good morning. I've been waiting for you.

I have had-- and I'm not kidding--

the most perfect morning of my life.

The breeze coming through the window,

and the birds are singing, the sun is shining,

and I just took the most incredible dump.

I mean, I haven't had one like that since, I believe,

Reagan was in the White House.

Hank? Yeah?

I just got a call, about five minutes ago.

It's about your agent. Oh, good!

Sidney decided to drag his 90-year-old ass

to the phone and call me.

He's in Cedars-Sinai intensive care.

He just had a major heart attack.

What? Yeah.

Uh, they don't... (clearing throat)

They don't know if he's gonna make it through the day.

Oh my God.

Sidney. I knew it.

I knew something like this was going to happen.

You see, it's true what they say--

bad things coming in threes.

First, my divorce.

Then the pool filter catching on fire.

And now this?

I gotta go. I gotta be with him.

This is your one hour a week to just relax

and forget about the show.

You know, I love that-- that magician that you have on,

with the pointy beard.

And Courtney Cox?

I mean, she always seems to flirt with you on the show.

I think she likes you.

I saw the show last night, with, uh, Bonnie Hunt.

What's she like?

Didn't seem like, uh, she and Carl Reiner got along.

Wow!

That's incredible, the way the tension just

shoots up out of nowhere. Yeah.

Morning, Paula.

Hello? Good morning.

Hmm? I said good morning.

Okay, God! Don't be a prick about it.

Oh, look.

Bitch Expo '95's in town.

Would you pick me up a T-shirt, okay?

Okay. Okay.

Phil: Morning, sunshine.

Do you know if we have Jimmy Smits yet?

Phil, I just walked in the door two seconds ago.

Would you get off my ass?

Look, I had to write an "NYPD Blue" sketch,

which was painful enough, I'd like to at least know

if Jimmy Smits is going to be in the thing.

Is your grandmother alive?

What? Is she alive?

Yes. Well, fuck her.

I'll get to Jimmy Smits when I get to it.

Good morning! (sighing)

Listen. Bought an extra coffee for you.

Mm!

(coffee splashing)

Are you crazy, girl?

You just poured out a grande latte

with a shot of chocolate in it.

What is wrong with you? Nothing.

Listen. I don't know what your problem's been

for the last couple of days,

but now is the time to, uh, suck it up and get over it.

Okay?

(whispering) I have a lump in my breast.

Oh my God.

Oh...! No, no, no, no. Di-di-di-di--

Don't hug, because then it feels serious

and cancerous.

And please stop staring at my tits.

(stammering)

When did you find it? A week ago.

I'm waiting for biopsy results today.

Oh, girl, you must be going crazy.

Yeah, I am, but it's not just the fact that I might die.

My doctor said I can't have coffee any more.

She said it could be a caffeine-fibroid tumor.

It's turning me into a colossal bitch.

Could you please stop waving your coffee in my face.

You know that I can't have any.

Shit...

Larry?

Yeah.

Hi, um...

Listen. Sorry to bother you during quiet time,

but, uh, you said you wanted the monologue jokes when I had them.

Yeah, why don't you just put 'em under here, Phil, so I can see 'em?

Okay. I'll look through this hole.

Okay.

(grunting)

Is that close enough?

Is that your thumb? What is that?

Sorry. There you go, thank you.

Better? (Larry laughing)

(Phil laughing)

(Larry moaning) Newt Gingrich and the Internet?

No, what she's doing to my back.

That is great. Right in that area.

Thank you.

Phil?

You know, um-- Hey, I'm gonna go.

Yeah? And I'll just come back when you're not so oily and stuff.

Okay? Well, it's your loss.

I'm just getting ready to turn over

and sometimes the towel flips up.

(laughing) I've already seen that.

Oh, man...

What a pain in the ass.

(knocking) Hello?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'll come back later.

No, come on in. I know that voice.

Hey, Larry. Hey, Dad.

Asshole.

Hey-- Oh, did my towel slip?

I just wanted to stop by and tell you

I'm looking forward to doing the show tonight, okay?

Hey, me, too. Me, too.

Have a good one. Thanks.

Hey, Larry?

Yes?

When, uh, when my masseuse does my back,

she does this really great thing with her elbow.

Have you tried-- Can I?

Do you mind? Please.

I'm a huge fan. Oh, Jesus. I don't like it too, too...

Oh!

What are you-- Yeah?

(coughing)

Were you in Vietnam?

Where's Beverly?

Uh, I think she and Paula went for a walk.

What the hell do you mean, a walk?

Larry's in the middle of his massage!

Has she gone bonkers?

His office door is left completely vulnerable.

I think Brett Butler's in there.

Oh, damn.

The day can turn to shit so quickly.

(door closing)

Mind if I cut in?

Hey, Arthur.

Good to see you. Likewise, kiddo.

You know, when people ask me:

"Who put the best sitcom on the tube last year?"

You know what I tell them?

What? The Butler did it.

How do you come up with that stuff?

Oh, my gifts are many and best not discussed.

God, I hate this rug, Artie.

Well, Larry's in the middle of an important rubdown.

I think we'd better get on our skidoos and skedaddle!

Okay, well, can I just peek

under the towel one more time, real quick?

Oh, Bretty, you'll dream tonight!

See ya, Larry! See you in a minute, pal.

Okay. Bye-bye.

So, how are you handling all the horseshit

that fame has brought you?

Pretty good, just buy bigger shovels and cry sometimes.

(laughing) Oh, fuck 'em.

Here's what Brando told me about the tabloids:

"Just tell yourself that everything

"they write about you is true,

that way it won't bother you."

That's good advice. Thanks, Arthur.

And after you settle down I'll have Paula there,

she'll come down and give you a lovely pre-interview.

Okay, um, can we go some place and talk for a minute first?

Oh, leave us repair to me office.

(phone ringing)

Hey. Hey.

How-- how's Sid? Well, I don't know.

They're not letting anybody in except family.

I mean, it's not fair, you know.

I should be with him now.

I-- I mean so much to him.

Well, it's probably not the right time,

but there's two agents from ICM waiting to see you

on the talk show set.

(sighing)

God!

This sick fucking business.

A man is lying on his deathbed not five miles from here,

and these bloodsuckers, these leeches--

A little respect for the soon-to-be-dead, please?

Well, this is crazy.

If I tell you, you're just gonna laugh.

Ha! I like to laugh.

You're gonna laugh.

Hey, go ahead, shoot!

Okay, it's about Paula.

Our Paula? Yeah, Paula and me.

About ten years ago, when I was touring colleges,

I met Paula at the college where she was going,

and we hit it off, and started hanging out together.

And I wondered if she said anything about me,

'cause we kinda had a thing.

Oh, you had a fight. No.

Oh, I'm sorry.

When I have a thing, it's always a fight.

No, it was sort of--

Well, this is where you're gonna laugh.

I guess you'd call it a lesbian thing.

Ha ha. I thought you'd laugh more.

I did too.

You're uncomfortable.

Hey.

I've always loved women with a touch of Sappho.

We have KD Lang on the show all the time.

Although the last time, Hank kept calling her "sir."

That asshole. (chuckling)

Just because you've done it once doesn't make you a dyke.

You're right.

It was a long time ago,

and we were just experimenting, right?

She's probably okay with it. So am I.

(smooching) Thank you, Arthur,

Do me a favor: Just forget I ever brought it up.

Oh, you can bet. I'll jump right on that. Okay.

I mean no disrespect to Sid, but frankly,

he hasn't done jack shit for your career.

What Nathan's trying to say is that

Sid was merely scratching the surface

when it comes to what Hank Kingsley

could be doing in this business.

I tell ya, years ago I made a vow

that I would never leave Sid.

But, uh, now he's leaving me,

so I guess I have no choice.

I love Sid. Sid was a mensch.

No question about it. No question.

If I had to say anything at all bad about Sid,

it would just be that he was from, you know,

the old school.

I hate to tell you, Sid was not from the old school.

He was from the school they tore down to build the old school.

(laughing)

You know, we'd love to take you out for a meal.

Are you free for dinner tonight?

Tonight? No.

Gosh, I'm going to Spagos tonight with that, uh,

partner from CAA.

Ah. Ah.

Hank? Yeah?

Sorry to interrupt, uh,

Jim Berkis from UTA is on the phone.

God, how did people find out so quickly?

I'll tell you what:

I'll have my girl call, uh, Brian,

and we'll set up a meal, okay?

Little meal. Yeah.

Sure, I'm sorry, guys.

Yeah, real pleasure.

All right. You, too.

We'll talk again.

All right. Stay in touch.

Hello, Jim?

Hi. Hank Kingsley.

Thank you for returning my call so promptly.

Yeah, listen.

Uh, I don't know if you've heard, Jim,

but my, uh, agent-- Yes, that's right.

Sid.

He's dead.

Or-- or, near dead.

Hi. Paula?

How are you? How you doing?

It's good to...

Good to see you. ...see you.

Hey. So, you know the drill.

You've been through this before.

Pre-interview thing. Sure do.

You wanna sit down?

No, thank you. I'd rather stand.

Um, I think it's best to kick it off by talking about

what's gonna happen in an upcoming season of your show.

Sure. Yeah.

And what's gonna... Oh, you got a book.

Uh-huh, I just-- I just finished my book.

I'm really proud of it.

It's, um, you know, it's about my life

and past experiences, things I can...

Yeah. ...look back on now and laugh.

It's very honest. I hope it's funny.

Well, the picture on the cover is.

You know, I'm wearing a tool belt.

Just trying to get some of that Tim Allen,

"Home Improvement" crowd.

Spin-off. That's funny.

Um, then I think next would be best to talk about

what you did over your hiatus.

I know you mentioned you had some funny things that happened.

Funny...

Uh, so we got upcoming season, book, hiatus,

and you're good on your feet, right?

You got it covered? Y-yeah.

We're good to go here. Okay.

Thanks! Thank you.

Cold little bitch...

Are you relaxed?

Everything but my back.

(laughing)

You are so hilarious!

Oh...

Have a nice day, Larry. Yes, you too!

And good luck with your writing career.

Excuse me.

How was your massage? Where were you?

How was your massage?

How was my massage? Look how relaxed I am.

I-I was with Paula. She had a problem.

Oh, really?

Well, you know, I have a knot in my back

the size of my fist,

and you don't see me complaining about it.

Do you want me to catch Kia so she can do you again?

Oh, you mean Chatty Cathy? I don't think so.

You know, she couldn't give me a good massage

because half the time her tongue got caught up in her hands.

Okay, never mind. I'll get someone else.

Good, and keep every one out.

Okay.

Mm. I'm sorry, Larry.

Thank you.

Arthur, she was so unprofessional.

She talked to me for, like, two seconds,

and then ran off.

I'm gonna be out there in that fucking hot seat with Larry,

and neither of us is gonna know where the other one is going.

It'll be like Regis and Kathie Lee.

You'll just talk about Cody.

If she's got problems with what went on with us,

she should talk to me about it like an adult,

because ignoring me just pisses me off.

Absolutely, I will handle it.

You will get the pre-interview you so richly deserve.

Just simmer down, BB. Oh, look here.

I see some papaya on a special person's fruit plate!

Papaya? Oh, I feel shit loads better.

Oh...

Sid wasn't from the old school.

Sid was from the school they tore down

to build the old school.

(laughing)

Go ahead, every body. We'll meet up at the couch.

Last one there is a rotten agent.

CAA. You get those bastards out of my studio, Hank.

If they find a hole anywhere, they'll either fuck it

or build a nest in it.

Go...

Where the hell's Paula?

Oh, Artie, take it easy on her.

She's, uh, had a rough day.

(mocking) Oh, I didn't know.

We'll have to get her some warm milk or a blanky.

No, listen. Artie, I-I'm not supposed to tell anybody

about this, but she's having a major crisis.

Don't you want anything to drink?

A coke? Diet soda?

Fizzy water? No, thanks.

How about a shot of Maker's Mark?

Okay.

Paula, I think you should know I was about to give you

a swift kick in the anny-Fay.

But that's not gonna happen,

'cause I know about the lump in your bosom.

Ah-- Are you serious?

I can't believe she told you!

Beverly was trying to protect you.

Okay, well, you know,

I'm not really comfortable discussing my bosom with you.

Oh, sit down. I'm not done.

I know what you've been going through,

because about 20 years ago, I found a lump

on one of my testicles.

I'm sorry.

Oh, I freaked out real bad.

I was doing a Bob Hope special at the time and, uh...

I was so screwed up, I let it affect my work.

I... I made Elke Sommer cry

in the middle of a dance rehearsal.

I'm not proud of that. And Bob?

I told him about the lump the day before we taped.

The monologue died.

Bob's timing went all to shit. And you know why?

Because he was thinking about my left nut!

Now, Paula, learn from my mistake.

Because 20 years from now,

you don't want to be watching a "Larry Sanders" rerun

and have to say, "Oh yeah.

That's the show I fucked up because of my titty."

Hey, Paula. Hi.

I think I was a little, uh, rude earlier.

So, would you like to give the pre-interview another shot?

Yeah, I really appreciate it.

Thank you. Come on in.

I just got... Excuse me, Paula?

It's the call.

Shit. Uh, Paula, I need...

Dammit.

Do you know where I could find Hank Kingsley's office?

Uh, yeah.

Just go straight up your ass and turn left.

Now, you guys know the way back to CAA from here?

(agents chattering)

You're not all getting on the elevator at once, are you?

(agents laughing) You kids, you're so crazy!

(laughing)

Brian: Hank!

There you are. It's unbelievable.

What? These guys say they can get me the Labor Day telethon.

Ed is stepping down. Jerry is 69.

I mean, some day it could be Hank's Kids.

They're gonna change my life!

I've got a fucking future! Wow.

Hank.

I just got a call from the hospital.

Sid's gonna be fine. He's okay.

What do you mean?

Well, it turns out, it wasn't his heart.

It was a hiatal hernia.

What? It's a hiatal hernia.

It's, uh, a rip in the esophagus.

They said he'll be back at work in a couple of days.

Isn't that incredible? That is so great.

Yeah!

Just a second. Um...

This morning-- I just want to get this straight for myself.

This morning they said, uh, he wasn't--

uh, that he was gonna die.

He was not going to make it through the day.

Yeah, I know. It's a miracle.

Fucking doctors!

I mean, come on!

If you say a person's not gonna make it through the day,

then he shouldn't make it!

(stammering)

It's so inconsiderate to just put us through this worry.

You okay?

I'm just so-- I'm so happy.

Call the guys, uh,

at CAA and tell them...

...maybe in a couple of years.

Okay.

I'm so happy. I know. We're all happy.

(muffled sobbing)

So, my doctor was right. It's just a little java tumor.

Okay, can I touch it? No.

I want to see if it feels-- No!

Okay, okay, okay. You all right, though?

Yes, I am, but she said if I keep drinking coffee

I'll get more lumps, so I say

hoist another cup of joe to Lumpy.

(Beverly laughing)

Hello?

There's, like, no smoking in the office, dipshit.

Fuck you, I'm, like, alive, dipshit.

Fine. (laughing)

Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt. Can we talk?

Sure, yeah.

Inhale in the good, exhale out the bad.

Let it go. Breathe.

Good, we almost got it.

(Larry moaning) Good, we're gonna work it through all the way.

Easy...

We got a hell of a fire!

You scared the shit out of me!

It's just the incense.

Oh, sorry. God...

(whispering) As you were.

You want me to help you get him back on the table?

No, no, no...

My nose is, uh, bleeding.

I'm gonna have to stop for a few...

It's just that, you know,

what happened with us happened ten years ago

and I don't want to spend the rest of my career

trying to dodge you.

So, you know, maybe you could just accept it.

Course I do. Absolutely I do.

Why do you think that I don't?

Well, because you've been treating me all day like,

you know, you don't know me.

we never even saw each other before.

I apologize, listen.

(sighing) I thought that I was dying.

I know that's very over-dramatic, but, um...

I have a tumor in my breast, and I was waiting

for the biopsy report.

But it came back, it's benign, and everything's cool.

So I apologize. Oh, Paula, what a relief!

(sighing) Yeah. I thought you were mad at me.

Are you serious? What's wrong?

Th-that's-- your relief stems from that I'm not mad at you?

I see. You are so... No, I...

Unbelievable. I mean...

Unbelievable-- You know what I remember ten years ago?

This is what I've carried with me for ten years.

What? You're very, very selfish.

No, then... Very selfish.

No-- Apparently, nothing changes.

I care about-- Oh, fuck you!

Oh, fuck you, fuck you!

(audience laughing)

I just want to say hello to my friend and agent, Sid.

I almost lost-- I almost lost Sid today.

Um...

And I almost lost sight of the fact that I almost lost him.

So, anyway. Uh...

Sid, take care of your esophagus.

Don't ever scare me like that again.

I love you, I miss you, I need you.

Get well. Thank you.

I didn't know Sid was ill.

Sid is, uh, Hank's agent.

Well, Sid, get well soon.

Boy, you've had a bad day.

I had a horrible day. I got a massage.

The woman did not stop talking.

Have you ever had that?

And plus, she-- she wanted a very steep

security and cleaning deposit.

(Hank laughing) Which I did not get back afterwards.

(all laughing)

Okay, now what did you get paid for the book?

Um, I-- I haven't gotten paid all the way yet.

Because you know... Oh, no body will watch my show if I tell them how much--

I hate when people ask that.

I do just live in a three bedroom house though,

so that's not pretentious, is it?

Well, what do you do with your money?

What do I do with it? Yeah.

Um, well, I save some, and, you know,

you get your mom a house and you figure

whatever else you do with your money is okay

if you get your mom a house. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah, so you have-- you don't have any guilt?

Yeah-- Mm-mm, mm-mm. None.

I'm a WASP, why?

(all laughing) WASPs don't have guilt, do they?

Hell no. No, but they have moms.

Yeah, ya'll killed him. We didn't.

(laughing)

Ooh, great show! I told you the equation:

Brett Butler equals big fun.

I'll tell you the best part of that interview:

At no point did she put her elbow in my back.

And speaking of Ms. Butler, I have a tale to tell you

about her and our own sweet Paula.

Oh, yeah? Is it good?

Prepare to be agog, junior.

(inhaling)

Brett.

Hey.

I'm really sorry about earlier.

But, uh, despite my rudeness,

you had a really wonderful segment.

It was very good. Thank you.

I'm sorry, too.

You're right, I do have my head up my ass.

(laughing)

Hey, see what happens when you mess around with another chick?

It's bad news, huh?

Yeah. Thanks.

Yeah, my throat's killing me. Excuse me.

(coughing) Really, you might have that strep going around.

A couple of my producers have it. Oh, don't tell me that.

Mm-hmm, you got the white stuff on the back?

'Cause if it is, that's strep. The little dots... I don't know.

I think my tonsils are swollen though.

Oh, no, come here. Let me see, open.

That's it.

I don't buy it.

No, listen. You think I concocted this erotic

story of lesbianism just to titillate you?

Well, I mean, I know Paula and I know Brett,

and I just, uh, can't believe something like that.

Okay, I'll shut up.

What is that? Oh, some dyke thing I guess.

Well, it appears I owe you a hundred dollars.

(theme music playing)