Original subtitles

♪ She came into town not looking for much ♪

♪ And when she found a hound dog ♪

♪ She named him Dutch ♪

♪ 'Cause she got a job at the arcade ♪

♪ Taking quarters ♪

♪ But she was never too good at taking orders ♪

♪ So one day she stopped giving out the change ♪

♪ She kicked the boss in the shins ♪

♪ And unplugged the games ♪

♪ She's only a person ♪

♪ Who doesn't know shit ♪

♪ There's nothing happening ♪

♪ That's about it ♪

♪ Whoo hoo ♪

Is he making this up as he goes along?

He's telling an American story.

I thought he was gonna do his hit.

I think he's doing his bong hit. I see.

♪ Jimmy was living in the heartland ♪

♪ The back porch slammed off his hand ♪

♪ He was drinking whiskey in the back patch ♪

♪ The place where he ♪

♪ When he was a kid he played catch ♪

Odd booking for the show, wouldn't you say?

Well, Paula, you know, she was looking for something different.

She wanted something hip. Yeah.

What about Harry Connick Jr.?

I thought he was supposed to be on.

Harry Connick Jr., dear sir,

is not handled by Stevie Grant.

Yeah. So?

And Stevie and Paula are, as they say, an item.

Stevie and Paula are an item.

So my agent's fucking my booker.

Oh. Good to know.

♪ Nothing happenin' ♪

♪ That's about it ♪

♪ Whoo hoo ♪

♪ Whoo hoo hoo ♪

(voice cracking) ♪ Yeah ♪

(strumming guitar chords)

Beck is very original, and I thought it was my job

to find fresh, exciting talent for this show.

I'd love to watch him from the mosh pit,

and we're in search of fresh faces with a point of view,

but not a hillbilly from outer space.

Granted he's no John Tesh,

but he's got the Lollapalooza following,

and Letterman's people have been all over him.

Who is Beck's agent? Stevie Grant.

And Jake Johannsen? Stevie.

Ed Begley Jr.?

Those names have nothing to do with my relationship.

Stevie happens to have some very good clients.

He also has several shit clients as well!

And I love Sally, but if I see

Miss Struthers up here one more time this month,

you have crossed the line! You got it?

As of now, Lea Thompson has dropped out.

You have to find somebody for tomorrow night.

I'd stay and help, but I know how

you love to earn your paycheck.

Stevie, no, you're misunderstanding me.

It's not the I didn't like Beck's music.

It's just that he said "shit" in the middle of one of the songs.

Well... Are you aware of that?

He-He's an artist.

Well, I'm sure "shit" rhymes with a lot of things.

(laughs) You know...

Hey, look, I've got a lot of musical acts, by the way.

Say the word and I can get you Hole.

Well, you know, my hooker days are over.

(laughs) You are the king!

King Kong!

Hey, babe. Hey.

Hey, we gotta hurry if we're gonna make our 8:30 at Pane E Vino.

Oh, I'm sorry. I left you a message.

I can't go. Lea Thompson bailed,

and now I have to find a replacement.

No problem. I'll get you a replacement.

How about Jennifer Aniston?

Jennifer Aniston would be amazing.

Can you get her? Yeah, absolutely.

I represent half the cast of "Friends."

Which ones? The ones who can act.

I'll call Jennifer in the morning.

Let's go.

Hey, do you have a spot for Andy Kindler?

Who's Andy Kindler? He's a comic.

The little guy, the hyper guy?

Mm-hmm. I don't think so.

He's more of a Conan O'Brien act.

Conan won't put him on.

Come on, Paula, he needs a national shot.

I guarantee you, he's great.

(whispering) I don't think so.

Come on. Jennifer Aniston tomorrow night,

Andy Kindler Thursday?

Come on.

(whispering) Come on.

Okay.

Well, now, uh...

What, uh, what movies have you seen lately

that you'd like to, uh, review for us tonight?

Oh, yes. Uh, tonight, I'm going to review

"Operation Dumbo Drop."

Right. That is the, uh, movie where the elephant is--

Yes, about American soldiers,

push big elephant out of plane.

Very funny.

Is it funny?

Absolutely, Very, very funny.

I give it three-- four fortune cookies.

Highest rating.

(chuckles)

So, you, uh...

Is this "Operation Dumbo Drop" a comedy, then?

Uh, it's a comedy.

Uh, actually, it's very, very funny.

What is it with the Chinese guy?

He's on once a week and he's not funny.

I know. Why don't you tell Larry?

Why don't you tell Larry?

I'm not gonna tell him.

Also, the seat was broken.

The seat was broken? Very bad for hemorrhoids.

(audience laughing)

Are you talking about your own or just in general?

Is that a movie tip from...

We've gotten a little movie tip from the Far East.

What?

I can't do this with Larry watching me.

It gives me the creeps.

Doing it in front of my clients turns me on.

I feel my power. (laughs)

Just turn it off.

It's not funny anyways.

(turns TV off)

Is, uh...

What other movies have you seen recently

that you'd like to, uh, review?

A movie called "Babe."

That's the movie about the talking pig, isn't it?

Yes. (laughing)

Is it... (audience laughing)

Is it funny? Did you enjoy it?

Yeah, but I suspect lately our, uh,

pork chop dishes, they suffer.

Nobody order pork chop dishes.

(audience laughing)

Barbecue pork, very bad. Not selling.

You're saying that people probably see the talking pig

and then don't want to order the pork there at the restaurant.

Apparently. I think so.

So, that's really been bad for business, huh?

Barbecue pork suffer.

(laughing)

Oh, man, this is hilarious, don't you think?

Artie? Don't you think this is hilarious?

Artie (on phone): It's terrific. I'm enjoying it.

We should do this more often, I mean it.

Absolutely. Now, buddy, if you don't mind,

I'm entertaining some guests.

Yes. Want to say hello?

Hi.

Go back, go back, go back.

(laughing) This guy's hilarious.

All right, I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Artie: Ciao, baby!

(dial tone, dialing)

(laughing) (line ringing)

Beverly. Beverly: Hello?

Isn't this hilarious?

Um, Larry? Larry, what time is it?

Come on, sleepyhead, time to get up.

No!

Come on. You gotta get up.

Rosario's here to clean.

Tell her to clean around me.

Warner's not going to happen today.

Hey, sweetie, do you have to smoke the second you get up?

Yes, sweetie, I do, I'm an addict.

Okay, that's it.

You get the guitar.

(off-key) ♪ Love ♪

♪ Look at the two of us ♪

♪ Strangers in many ways ♪

♪ Ways ♪ ♪ Ways ♪

♪ Keep it there ♪ (laughing)

Mwah!

♪ We've got a lifetime to share ♪

♪ And love may go for all we know ♪

(telephone ringing) You like that? That's good.

What?!

Yeah? Yeah.

Fuck him! He doesn't know!

He's the one who swore Ovitz wasn't leaving.

Okay, okay, okay.

You tell Bob Iger that 10:00 is fine.

I'll be there ready to fuckin' go, go, go!

I got an idea.

Blow off Iger and we'll spend the morning in bed.

Are you insane?

I just got a 50% raise by pretending

I was gonna go form my own agency.

I can't stay in bed.

People actually notice when I don't show up to work.

You stay in bed. Fuck you.

(sighs) Oh, man. I'm sorry.

This whole Disney thing has everybody

shitting bricks, pins and party favors.

By the way, I can't go to Ojai this weekend

because Eisner's taking the Young Turks to a Ducks game.

Are you gonna be like this the rest of your life?

Of course not.

I already told you, I'm doing this for five years

and then I'm getting out.

You're so deluded. Okay, eight years.

Artie thinks I'm booking too many of your clients.

What the fuck is that? I've got good clients.

I tried to explain to him it had nothing to do with our relationship.

Of course it doesn't!

You know, that guy's fucking paranoid.

That's just the kind of Hollywood bullshit

that makes me want to chuck it all

and join the Peace Corps. (telephone ringing)

Yeah? Big Bad Ron, you piece of shit!

How's it going?!

Fuck you, asshole!

Uh, we've received a substantial number

of faxes and letters from the Anti-Defamation League

protesting this segment that you're doing with Peng Lee.

Look, here's what I don't get.

Letterman can send two guys from Bangladesh around the world,

and we can't send one Chinese guy to the movies?

Indians do not watch television as much as Asians do, Larry.

And besides, the Asian community is much more organized and vocal.

Well, how does Leno get away with it?

He's keeps putting on those damn Ito dancers.

That's a parody of an Asian American judge,

prancing around with twinkle-toed

dinner theater rejects.

Oh, and, Dennis, by twinkle-toed,

I imply nothing about their sexuality.

Well, it doesn't make sense to me,

because I mean, the piece is unwritten.

That's the way he talks.

I mean, that's the way I talk, that's the way he talks.

Let me clarify that.

This bit is unscripted chatter

from a charming Chinese man.

And by the way, his restaurant has never done better.

That's right. I mean, he should really be thanking us.

I had his sweet and sour chicken the other day.

It was like hot pink.

I think it's cough syrup. I swear to God.

Come on, people. You know, in my day, we had Amos 'n' Andy,

we had José Jiménez.

José Jiménez was the first Hispanic in space.

Kids looked up to him.

Well, he didn't actually go into space,

that was just an act.

Well, I believed it.

So, it was not only funny,

but it was inspirational as well.

Look, Larry, let's be clear here.

We are not forcing you to do anything.

We just strongly urge you to discontinue the piece.

And if I don't?

Well, then you'll have a lot of screaming Japs

picketing outside the studio.

Screaming Asian Americans.

Hey, Phil.

Hey, great shirt! Where'd you get that?

Oh, thanks. I think I got it--

Do you have a 20?

(sighs) Hank, the last time I loaned you money,

it took you, like, a month to pay it back.

I know, and you know what happened?

I sent Brian to the bank with my ATM card.

But I don't know what happened to him.

He probably got sucked into some kind of parade.

Well, can't you just wait for him to get back?

No, I can't. I got the delivery guy from Peng's Place.

I ordered the sweet and sour chicken.

It's incredible. You ever had it? It cured my cold.

Well, here you go. Listen, can I get that back at the end of the day?

I don't even know why you go out with the guy, Paula.

I just do. I like him.

I know you don't 'cause you think he's rude on the phone.

Yes, he is.

Because I have a name, and he never uses it.

Who, Larry?

No, that's Stevie. Ah.

What, is he only taking 10% of your love?

I don't want to discuss this with you.

Ah, there's trouble in paradise.

So, is he running from commitment?

Are you making fun of me? No, I'm not.

Are you running from commitment?

You're making fun of me.

No, I just want to make sure that he's meeting your needs.

Hey, doll, Phil.

I'm gone.

What are you doing here?

I just wanted to see if you were free for lunch.

Ivan Reitman cancelled on me.

His loss.

Come on. It's on the agency.

Lunch with the booker of "The Larry Sanders Show."

It's totally legit.

Let's go liberate some money from the evil corporation.

Come here a minute.

How long have we been going out?

(sighs) I don't know, three months?

Four months.

Gee, time flies when you're having fun.

What do you want out of this relationship?

Guess the fun's over.

I'm serious.

Um, I don't know. What do you want?

I asked you first.

Okay. Uh...

I want it to continue the way that it is,

except with more fucking.

(laughs)

Help me, Paula. What's wrong?

What would you say if I told you I wanted to quit?

I don't know. Are you quitting?

What if I said I wanted to have a baby?

Oh, my God, are you pregnant?

No, but it's nice to see what your reaction would be.

(sighs) Look, we have to go to lunch quick

because your blood sugar is dropping.

How many of these clients would be up here

if you and I weren't dating?

Jesus, Paula, I'm not going out with you

to get my clients on the show.

That's good news.

Then I guess you won't mind if I unbook Andy Kindler.

You can't do that! He's booked!

We've got a verbal contract. I just did it.

Bye, Jake Johannsen.

These are good acts.

You know, I didn't force you to book them.

I could have brought them to Letterman first.

Oh, I'm sure he'd be so thrilled to hear

about Ed Begley Jr.'s fucking electric car.

Okay, you're insane.

All right, if you're gonna do that to them,

then say good-bye to Jennifer Aniston.

You can't.

You can't unbook somebody who's booked for tonight!

I'll talk to you tonight.

No. I don't want to see you anymore.

(sighs) I don't have time for this shit.

(door closes)

What the hell do you mean Jennifer Aniston cancelled?

Her people called, she can't make it.

I see. What happened?

I don't know exactly.

Didn't they give a reason for cancelling?

Yeah, you're right, they did, I'm sorry.

Uh, she was skiing in Aspen,

and she, uh, got a really bad cold

and she can't make it.

I see. A cold.

Yeah, it's pretty serious. Yes, it is.

You know how Larry's gonna feel when he hears about this?

Do we have to tell him?

Paula, let me explain how it works.

Larry introduces the guest,

they come out, they sit down.

When that doesn't happen,

Larry knows that something's wrong.

Without a guest,

Larry will sit here with his thumb up his ass.

Excuse me. Artie?

A Mr. Chen's called three times.

I think you ought to take it.

Oh.

Skiing in Aspen.

Weather's so unpredictable this time of year

when there's no snow.

You want half of this? Uh-uh.

Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine.

Hi.

I'm Andy Kindler.

Oh, my God, Andy.

I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you.

Well, maybe you don't recognize me

'cause I'm a comic who never gets on TV.

And why? Well, basically thanks to people like you, that's why.

Andy, do you know Beverly?

Mm. Excuse me. I've go to go and...

eat up the rest of my, uh, cookie.

I was booked for the show,

and then, you know, guess what?

I'm not booked for the show.

I called Stevie, I asked him what happened,

and he says it's because you don't think I'm right for the show.

Listen, I don't make the final decisions around here, okay?

Oh, well, that's just bullshit.

Um, you know, maybe I could look at your tape again...

if you wanna leave it...

with me.

Hey, Hank? Hmm?

Listen, I can't find Brian. Well, join the club.

Do you have the money you owe me?

What money?

The $20 that I loaned you this morning.

Oh, right! See Brian about that.

Hank, I can't find Brian.

Okay, that was my last $20,

and I can't go to the cash machine after dark

because I get mugged.

My advice? Pepper spray.

And don't be afraid to use it.

Jennifer sprained her ankle. Really?

You know, according to Paula, she mentioned to Artie

that Jennifer has a head cold.

And now you know what, Stevie?

Now we have a show to do, and I don't have a guest.

I mean, you're supposed to be my agent.

You're not supposed to come in here and fuck up the show.

(weeping)

All right, okay. All right.

Maybe I'm being too hard on you

about this Jennifer Aniston--

I blew it with Paula!

Why don't we have her come in and talk to you?

No!

We'll have her come in. I'm gonna get her.

I'm gonna tell Beverly to go-- No!

Beverly, would you get Paula for me, please?

Okay, Hank, give him the money.

What money?

Hey, there it is.

What are you...

All you had to do was ask.

(scoffs) Prick.

(weeping) I walk around in my Italian suit all day

like I'm on top of the world!

But I'm a fake!

If I stop pretending for a second,

I'll fall apart 'cause I'm terrified!

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing!

What's going on? Paula!

Oh, don't look at me!

He's a little upset.

Oh. Are you upset about what happened? Yeah.

Now you're gonna get me upset!

Tell her about the suit.

Paula, I'm terrified!

I've built up these walls inside me,

and I'm sorry it's so hard for me to open up.

What about the suit?

Uh, may I interrupt?

A Mr. Chen from the Asian-American Anti-Defamation League

would like to talk to you about Peng Lee.

Stevie: Is that the movie critic guy?

I wanted to say it, but I was afraid to,

but he's lame.

Everybody in town thinks so.

He's not funny.

Well, what do you think?

Well, I think we ought to tell this pain in the ass

from the Anti-Defamation League

that we think that the remote

is detrimental to the Asian community.

Yeah. It is. That's smart.

Good practice. Right, exactly.

Peng Lee safeway.

Larry: Look how they fucked up their lives.

I get a last-minute phone call to do the show.

Then I get a phone call saying I'm not doing the show,

then another phone call saying I am doing the show.

But, sweetie, you're here now,

and we couldn't be happier.

Look at me.

Well, I certainly wouldn't be able to tell

by the way I was treated today.

You got the Tiffany frame, didn't you?

Well, the only reason I'm doing this

is because I'm dating Eddie.

Who's Eddie?

Eddie Ring, our sound man.

Oh! You know, we also have a guy

working on the show who's just a grip,

who's dating Sandra Bullock.

Donny Padilla. He's in "People" magazine.

Larry: He gets excited by that kind of stuff.

What's this about a Tiffany frame?

My next guest, uh...

(cheering and applause)

...we're thrilled to have her on.

This is her first time on "The Larry Sanders Show."

And you know her best, of course,

from the, uh, gigantic hit series "Friends."

Please welcome Jennifer Aniston.

(cheering and applause)

(band playing)

Well...

These are all, uh--

Are you all, uh, fans of, uh, "Friends"?

(cheering)

Who's your favorite, "friend," yeah?

(laughing)

I don't have a favorite friend.

I love all of them equally. They're different.

They're... I can't say.

Is that true? Yeah.

Do you spend time with

any one of them in particular off camera?

More than-- Yes.

Is one of them more than just a pen pal?

Well, wait. It's "Friends." I meant friends.

Yeah. Well, we spend...

During the summer, the girls hung out a lot,

'cause everybody else was off doing this and that and--

Where did they hang out? Where do we hang out?

Where do the girls hang out? We hang out--

The girls from "Friends." Yeah, the girls from "Friends."

Where do they hang out? They hang out at our homes,

or we go out to dinner. Where's the homes?

Larry is the king, man!

King Kong!

(laughing) What does that mean?

Where does an 800-pound gorilla sleep?

Anywhere he wants to.

I don't get it.

Larry is the gorilla.

He's huge, talent-wise.

You're delightful. Well, thank you.

What would you like to ask us?

Um, I...

Gosh, I can't really think of anything

I'd like to ask you at the moment.

If I come up with something, I'll ask you later.

Well, you're more than welcome to, uh,

call in.

Jennifer Aniston is doing so well.

We gotta get her back right away.

Yeah.

Hey, you-you didn't get back together with me

just so you could get Jennifer Aniston

back on the show, did you?

Of course not.

(theme music playing)