All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S04E09_English

Hey, Hank,
how's it going?

How's it going?

It's going great.

I was almost killed
on the way here.

I'm on the 101,
and all of a sudden,

the entire cast of
"Miss Saigon"

comes out of nowhere
and tries to sideswipe me.

These Asians, I mean, they
must have a deal with the DMV.

They-they keep getting
the licenses.

Yeah, right. Listen, I am
doing a charity walkathon

this weekend,
and it's 20 miles,

and I'd appreciate it if you'd
pledge a certain amount of money
for each mile that I walk.

Oh, it's an
AIDS thing, right?

Oh, you know
about it?

No, but it's
always an AIDS thing.

Well, how does
a dollar a mile sound?

Twenty whole dollars?

Can a cure be
far behind?

Well, I hope,
I pray,

because it's an
awful, horrid disease

and I'll, I'll need
a receipt.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Larry.

Morning.

Morning, Larry.

Morning.

Um, I am doing a charity
walkathon this weekend,

and I need to hit you up
for a certain amount

of money for each mile
I walk, 20 miles.

Happy to.
How's 20 bucks a mile?

Oh, that's great,
that's $400.
Good, great.

What is the cause?
Uh, AIDS, yeah.
AIDS.

Make it 25.

Thank you so much.

Beverly, I think it's time
to send that memo out again.

Uh, the one about people
not talking to you

first thing in the morning?
Yes, yes.

Okay.

Uh, here's some
fan mail

I'm sure you'll
find tantalizing.
Oh.

Hey, underwear again?

Yep.
Yep, yep.

Same person?
Yep.

Yep, yep.

It'd be nice to get some
from a woman occasionally,
wouldn't it?

Nevertheless...

Whoa!
Gut' morgen, kiddos.

I had to get out
of my office.

They painted it
last night.

The fumes are
making me loopy.

A few seconds ago,
I saw Meg Ryan's head

floating above
my credenza.

Oh, I gotta sit down.

Pretend I'm not here.

Okay, here are
the tiles from Bob.

Oh, those are nice.
They go with your eyes.

Perhaps
with a red grout.

Who's Bob?

Beverly:
Your interior designer.

No, my-my interior
designer's named Bryn Mawr.

Oh, uh, no,
Bob told me

he makes a lot more
money using that name.

Artie:
Pretentious prick.

Uh, he said he needs
to know immediately

which one you like best.

It's for the barbecue
countertop out by the pool.

Well, what's the difference
between these two?

They look
the same to me.

Well, he said this one
is from Portugal,

so it'll cost
you 6,000 extra.
Really.

Lordy, I did some
grand humping in Portugal.

I got a mysterious
itch in Lisbon.

You know, it's getting
more and more difficult

to pretend you're
not here.

I'm sorry,
I still got a paint buzz.

I can't tell the difference.
What do you think?

Well, I'd go with
the cheaper one.

I mean, they look
almost identical.

Is this it?
Is this the cheaper one?
Yeah.

All right, well, let's go
with the one from Portugal.

Because, you know,
if I get the cheaper one,

then I'm always gonna think

there's a better tile
in Portugal.

Okay.
And I'll be unhappy.

Good thinking.

And, uh, just call
my business manager.

Tell him to cut
a check.

You know, I need
to call Frank anyway.

Those, uh, pepper trees
they just put in?

The guy from
the nursery called.

He said that your...
your check bounced.

Well, what is
that about?

Well, the exterminator
called to say

that his check bounced, too.

Well...

Is there a financial
statement or something

that Frank
sends each month?
Uh, yes.

Probably, the fucking
business manager

has his head up his ass.

Oh, but don't
get upset about it.

We've got a sketch rehearsal
in ten minutes.

Why don't we stop by
my office

and take a hit off
the fumes, baby?

Okay, why don't you put
on "Dark Side of the Moon"
and I'll be right there.

Okay.

What is this?
What does this say?

Uh, $14.

And what is this?

Net.
Right.

Could you get Frank
on the phone right away?

Okay.

Larry:
I don't know what you've
heard about us, Mister, uh...

Hank:
Bobo.

Larry:
Mr. Bobo.

No, just Bobo.

Well, I don't know
what you've...

(noisemaker clicking)

...heard about us,
uh, Bobo.

But we here at Clown Court
take clowning very seriously.

Now, I've looked
over your résumé,

and I've gotta tell you
I'm quite impressed.

Thank you very much.

(kazoo buzzes)

All right,
there's no need...

There's no need
doing that.

Why don't you put
that back in the case,

and just feel free
to be yourself, all right?

Now...
(distorted voice)
Thank you.

(man laughs)
All right, I can see
what's going on.

You're one of those clowns
who's always on.

(bell rings)
Excuse me.

Hello.

No. Would you hold my calls?

Hold my calls!

(sighs)

Would you like
something to drink?

(distorted voice)
That would be nice.

(laughing)

Oh!
There you go.

Jesus Christ.

(laughing)

Is it me or does this suck?

I mean, I hate this sketch.

Yeah, so do I?

What?
Excuse me.

I mean... I mean,
do I have to get wet?

I mean, big laugh, Hank.
Come on.

Really?
Yeah.

Maybe I should
be wetter.

Funny stuff, Lar.

Yeah, thanks, Frank.
Listen, can I talk to you

in my office about
the financial statement?

Sure, yeah.
All right.

Clowns.

You must get
laid a lot, huh?

It's the shoe thing.

You know,
kick size, dick size?

Yeah, these are
Bruno Magli, size 112.

I'll be right back.

Hank:
Okay, Artie, do I have
time to dry off?

Artie:
Derek! Towel!

Well, technically,
I'm responsible

'cause I own the company.
Uh-huh.

But I really didn't have
anything to do with this.

Well, then how did
this happen?

Okay, look. I know, you're
my most important client.
Yeah.

I shouldn't have
let anybody else

anywhere near
your account.

The fucking guy.
Who? What fucking guy?

Well, he's
a sweet guy, actually.

He came to me from a top-notch
accounting firm, fucker.

Can I have a drink?
How much, Frank?

Uh, a double,
I guess, please.

I mean, how much
is left?

Slow down, Larry.

I'm going as slow
as I can.

How much is left?

I told you that it would look
like this in the fourth quarter.

No, you didn't.

Yeah, I did, uh--

When we were at the Ivy...
No.

...I warned you
when you were--

Yes, when you were
tipping the valet.

No, you didn't, Frank.

Well, I tried to tell you
all evening.

You had--
You never told me.

Larry, you bought
the place in Tahoe.

Right, because
you told me

I could afford
the place in Tahoe!
No, you, I told you--

No, Larry, you're
editing your memory.

I am not editing-- How long
have you been drinking, Frank?

I don't drink.
Well, you just asked
me for a drink.

I don't think
that's the case.

You just asked me
for a drink.

Everything is
under control.

Everything is
under control?

You have the nerve
to come in here and tell me

everything's under control
when I'm fucking broke?

I'd be very careful about
what you say next, Frank.

You know...

you should be making a lot
more money from this show.

If your fucking agent
was doing his job,

we wouldn't even be having
this conversation!
Are you an idiot?

Answer me. Answer me,
you stupid shit.
Are you an idiot?

Get the fuck out of the office!
Come in here like that...

I'm fucking broke,
and you come
in here and call...

Get-get out!
Get out, Frank!

Get your big fat ass
out of the office
and don't come back.

I don't want
to see it again.

What the fuck's
the matter with him today?

Any luck?

No. He didn't move,
didn't say a word.

He's still got that
pillow on his head?
Mm-hmm.

I don't know, Artie.
It's been over three hours,

and the man
hasn't moved a muscle.

Something tells me we won't
be doing a show tonight.

Oh, shit,
that's not an option.

He's gotta snap
out of this.

It's half an hour
till showtime.

I know how to get
him out of there.

I hate to do it.

I have no choice.

Oh, poor Larry.

Lar?
It's me, Hank.

I'm sorry.

I wanted to make sure
you were getting air.

Look, if it's money
you need, you just...

you just say the word.

(laughing)
Not that I'm
rolling in it.

Between my fucking ex-wife
and the ponies,

I'm lucky
if I can swing postage.

But, uh, whatever I have,
you know, it's yours.

Aw, not that you're
gonna need it, Larry,
because you know what?

You got... you got
something that's worth
ten times what you lost.

And do you know
what that is?

It's your name
and your likeness.

Now you listen
to Hank.

A couple of major
endorsement deals... Whoa!

You're gonna be wiping
your ass with $100 bills.

Aw, I...

I know what you need.

You need a hug.

Oh, yes,
come on.
(blinds clattering)

Come on.

Don't resist.
Give in.

There you go.
Doesn't that feel good?
(loud clattering)

Come on. Yes. Yes.

You fucker.

Don't ever do
that to me again.

Oh, sweetheart,
it was showtime.

My hands were tied.

So, what are you
gonna do about that
little prick, Frank?

Well, I have a plan.

Good, I'll go over
there and bounce

that little fucker
out the window.

Huh?
Just kidding.

You know, but I do know
a couple of guys

who can be helpful--
one quick phone call.

Don't do anything,
will you, please?

Aw, hell! What is it,
the expense?
No.

Okay, this one's on me.

I don't care
if it's on you.

I have a plan, and I think
it's a little more adult,
if I may say.

(theme playing)

(cheers and applause)

Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, thank you very much.

Thank you.
Thank you.

(cheers and applause)

Okay.

Thank you!

I fired my accountant
this week

because evidently,
he invested my money

in a company that had plans

to install tampon dispensers
at the Citadel.

(audience laughing)

(applause)

Seriously, my accountant--
but seriously...

Seriously, my accountant,

I don't know who
your accountant is, Hank.

I just found out
my accountant has

a three-tiered system, actually,
for investing my money--

win, place, and show.

(audience laughing)

He's a good man.

Seriously, he's a big...
He's my accountant

who's just been recognized
by the government and arrested.

(laughing)

But that's your plan
for taking care of Frank?

A little gentle ribbing,

a couple of jokes
you hope he'll see?

You know, I don't really
care if he sees 'em or not.
No?

I'm going home now.
I'm getting a good
night's sleep.

You know why?
Why?

Because I have to work
in the morning.

What's with
the follow spot?

Larry! God, those jokes about
your accountant were so funny.

Oh, good, good,
thanks, yeah.

And about
the walkathon,

you don't have to feel
obligated to...

Paula, come on, I'm not
destitute, for God's sake.

I know, I know,
I didn't mean that.

It's just, you know...
Whatever.

I'm happy to do it.
Okay?
Oh, thank you.

How much was it?

I think it was
25 doll--

You know what?
It was $10 a mile.

That's fine.

It was five dollars a mile.

If it's five dollars
a mile, that's fine.

Thank you.
Okay.

So that's $100 total.

Good morning.
How are you doing?

Good. Would you get
Stevie Grant on the phone
for me?

Sure. Here's a latte.

Stevie Grant.
Oh, I'm sorry.

Larry! Hey.

I just want to say I'm sorry
about what happened.

Phil, did you
get the memo?

No, no memo.
Ah!

I know this is rough,
but my dad's brother

went through
the exact same thing.
Uh-huh.

That would
be your uncle?

Yeah, that's right, yeah.
Ah, mm-hmm.

Well, he owned this,
uh, farm supply,

a huge farm
supply business.

And it went belly-up
in the '80s and, uh...

He was really
a great guy.

Yeah, listen, this doesn't have
a happy ending, does it, Phil?

No, I'm sorry.
All right.

Will you, uh...
God, I suck at
cheering people up.

Excuse me.
Okay.

Beverly?
Yes.

What about the memo?
Phil was just talking to me.

Oh, I forgot,
I'm sorry, Larry.

I-I forgot.
Thank you.

Um, Stevie said he'll call
you right after his meeting,

uh, this morning, okay?

Who's he in a
meeting with?

I don't--
Hey, Chief.

How are you doing?
Morning.

Good, good, good.

Good morning.
Morning, morning.

Did you tell him?
Not yet.

Good, let's go
into your office.

You're gonna
love this.

I would like to know who
he's in a meeting with,

and I would like
to talk to him.
Come on.

Last one in
has to drop trou.

Larry...

Revenge is sweet,
and I deliver it unto you.

What are you
talking about?

We got him
back for you.

We nailed him.

The two us,
Artie and me.

That little cocksucker Frank
is down. It was beautiful.

Oh, he's making too big
of a fucking deal out of it.

We had a couple of pops
to get the juices flowing.

Then, uh, we drove over
to Frank's and...

I-I-I drove because
I knew where his casa was.

I was there last
Christmas, you see?

Anyway, in front of the house,
there's this, this, uh...

Well, it's a, it's a sort
of an arch, it's wooden,

and it's got roses
and shit all over--

It's a trelis.
It's a trellis.

And this trellis--
this is a gorgeous trellis.

It's just... just gorgeous.

And we stood there.

We admired it
for quite a while.

Then I burned it down.

Oh, shit.

Oh, down
to the fucking ground.

It sounds insane,
you know, but I...

But I had lighter fluid
in the trunk of my car,

and we got the idea...

And then I ran
with it.

Uh-huh, Hank?
Yeah.

(clearing throat)

There's no trellis
at Frank's house.

Ha!
Not now there ain't.

(laughing)

There's no trellis
at his new house.

There's a trellis
at his old house.

Not at his new house.

The one on Benedict Canyon
that he just moved into.

Oh, shit.

Nice going,
you fucking moron.

You know, when that Asian woman
came out of the house screaming,

I just thought she was
the housekeeper.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

(tsking)

Well, I gotta go.

(knock on door)

Obviously, this
stays in this room.

(whispering)
Oh, shit.

Uh, I'm sorry,
uh, Larry?

I have Stevie
on line one for you.

Oh, good.

Stevie?

Stevie on phone:
Larry, two things.

First, I'm sorry.

Hey, forget that.

I just need some money
and I need it fast.

I know, that was
my second thing.

I was trying to show
a little sensitivity.

Appreciate it.

Kentucky Fried Chicken.

What does that mean?

Spokesman, you, one year.

So I'm the new
Colonel Sanders?

Ha! Funny,
I'll pitch that.

Hey, take this
the right way,

but I wish you'd
go broke every day.

Hey, what kind of
car do you like?

You know how much money
I got Lindsay Wagner

for those Ford spots?
How much?

Uh, I can't say,
but she needed

one of the trucks
to cart it home.

I'll set up a meeting
with the Lexus people.

Good, all right,
great.

Let's start there,
and then book me

for a week in
Vegas, all right?

Caesars or MGM?

Whichever
one pays more.

How 'bout both? Nine shows
a night, every half hour.

You know, it's
like vaudeville days.

Perfect.
Great.

Hey, Artie,
how you doing?

Oh, sweetie, so are we gonna
pick up some chicken

and drive that
Lexus to Vegas?

Heh, you bet.

Hey, listen,
I'm gonna--

So you're doing jokes
and you're doing commercials

and you're playing Caesars,
that's your plan?

Yep, that's my plan.

We're thrilled to have you
as a spokesperson, Larry.

And we feel
we've come up

with a very exciting
campaign for Lexus.

Well, I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm
excited to be here.

I brought the copy.

And I just wanted you
to take a look at it.

Tell me if you have
any questions.

Oh, sure.

This is great,
this is great.

Uh, would-would you mind
reading it out loud?

"The Lexus LS 400,

redefining the concept of luxury
in our time, the class--"

woman:
Excuse me, I'm sorry.

Would you mind
standing?

Just stand up and do it like
you would if you were, um,

actually doing
the commercial?

Yeah, yeah, I--
I'll be the camera,

and the coffee
table's the car.

All right.

Is the car gonna
be a compact, also?

(all laughing)

Larry, don't make
fun of the product.

Well, I was
just making...

"The Lexus LS 400,

"redefining the concept
of luxury in our time.

"The classic
body styling,

"the fine, detailed leather
interior, the smooth..."

Larry, the leather interior?

Uh-huh?
How do you
feel about it?

How do you feel about it?
What are your thoughts?

Does it, does it make you
feel good, do you like it?

I like it.

I liked it.

Hot in the summer...

(chuckles)

That's what
I thought.

For the purposes
of the commercial,

I need you to
love the leather.

Okay.

To have a profound
emotional response to it.

Love the leather, yeah?

Okay, I got it.
Okay.

(doorbell rings)

(banging on window)

(alarm keypad beeps)

(long beep)

(beeping)

Hey, Larry,
how's everything?

What are you
doing here, Frank?

Do you know how
late it is?
Yeah, I'm sorry.

Can I-can I
come in, man?

I really gotta talk
to you about something.

No, no, you can't
come in.

(sighs)

Okay.

It's not some
other guy at the office.
It's me, all right?

I got a drinking
problem.

For the last two years, I've
been off and on antidepressants.

I hate my life, Larry.
Uh-huh.

I hate being a
fucking accountant.
Oh, really?

But I want
you to know,

you have to believe me
when I tell you

that I didn't mean
to hurt you, okay?
Fine.

It's the last thing
I wanted to do.
Okay.

I believe you.

Here, take this.

What is this?

It's money.

What is it?
How much is in it?

Is it all of it?
Oh!

How much?

Do you think I got
that kind of money?

But it's your fees from
over the years, all right?

I obviously didn't
earn 'em.

So this is five percent
of what I lost?

Well, more
or less.

Where's the rest?

Well, I'm working on it, man.
You're working on it?

But for now,
we're square, right?

What do you mean,
we're square, Frank?

Somebody set fire
to my old house.

I got the message.

I don't know anything
about that, Frank.

Okay, fine.

I swear to God.

Play it that way.
Fine, fine. Good night.

(whispering)
Oh, my God.

(beeping)

Morning.

Oh, good morning, Larry.
Morning.

Morning, I'd like
to introduce you to, uh...

Did you get the memo?

No.
Oh.

Uh, these are
the, uh, Chins.

Uh, Edward and Allison
and Edward's mother,

whose name I'm not gonna
even try to pronounce.

Oh, well, it's a pleasure
to meet all of you.

Anyway, these
are the people...

I'm sure you heard about it
in the news whose home

was vandalized
a few days ago.

Uh-huh.
They burned down our trellis.

Oh, awful.

And I was so touched
by their situation,

I asked them to come by
for a little backstage tour,

some lunch,
you know?

Just to show them
that not all...

all Angelinos
are bad.

Absolutely, please, enjoy
yourselves while you're here.

If there's anything I
can do, let me know.

I'm so sorry about
the Margaret Cho show.

Anyhow, that's Larry.

So, uh, if
you follow me...

if you've never seen
a green room,

boy, you're in for
a real true-- uh, treat.

Okay, make a decision.
Okay.

They look identical, right?
Yes.

(exhales)

Then let's go with the
cheaper one because, uh,

why waste the money?

Good thinking.
All right.

Morning!
Sorry I'm late.

Had a little trouble
with me car.

Oh, hey, listen.

Frank came by
the house last night

and brought my
money back.

How much?

Some of it.

Well, then your
plan is working.

Well, I think so.

Congratulations.
Hey, thanks.

Uh, excuse me,
Larry.

I had a message on my desk
that Frank's office called.

He's over at Cedars.

Apparently, some nut
drove up on the sidewalk

and ran over his foot.

(theme music playing)