Original subtitles

Hey, Hank, how's it going?

How's it going?

It's going great.

I was almost killed on the way here.

I'm on the 101, and all of a sudden,

the entire cast of "Miss Saigon"

comes out of nowhere and tries to sideswipe me.

These Asians, I mean, they must have a deal with the DMV.

They-they keep getting the licenses.

Yeah, right. Listen, I am doing a charity walkathon

this weekend, and it's 20 miles,

and I'd appreciate it if you'd pledge a certain amount of money for each mile that I walk.

Oh, it's an AIDS thing, right?

Oh, you know about it?

No, but it's always an AIDS thing.

Well, how does a dollar a mile sound?

Twenty whole dollars?

Can a cure be far behind?

Well, I hope, I pray,

because it's an awful, horrid disease

and I'll, I'll need a receipt.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Larry.

Morning.

Morning, Larry.

Morning.

Um, I am doing a charity walkathon this weekend,

and I need to hit you up for a certain amount

of money for each mile I walk, 20 miles.

Happy to. How's 20 bucks a mile?

Oh, that's great, that's $400. Good, great.

What is the cause? Uh, AIDS, yeah. AIDS.

Make it 25.

Thank you so much.

Beverly, I think it's time to send that memo out again.

Uh, the one about people not talking to you

first thing in the morning? Yes, yes.

Okay.

Uh, here's some fan mail

I'm sure you'll find tantalizing. Oh.

Hey, underwear again?

Yep. Yep, yep.

Same person? Yep.

Yep, yep.

It'd be nice to get some from a woman occasionally, wouldn't it?

Nevertheless...

Whoa! Gut' morgen, kiddos.

I had to get out of my office.

They painted it last night.

The fumes are making me loopy.

A few seconds ago, I saw Meg Ryan's head

floating above my credenza.

Oh, I gotta sit down.

Pretend I'm not here.

Okay, here are the tiles from Bob.

Oh, those are nice. They go with your eyes.

Perhaps with a red grout.

Who's Bob?

Beverly: Your interior designer.

No, my-my interior designer's named Bryn Mawr.

Oh, uh, no, Bob told me

he makes a lot more money using that name.

Artie: Pretentious prick.

Uh, he said he needs to know immediately

which one you like best.

It's for the barbecue countertop out by the pool.

Well, what's the difference between these two?

They look the same to me.

Well, he said this one is from Portugal,

so it'll cost you 6,000 extra. Really.

Lordy, I did some grand humping in Portugal.

I got a mysterious itch in Lisbon.

You know, it's getting more and more difficult

to pretend you're not here.

I'm sorry, I still got a paint buzz.

I can't tell the difference. What do you think?

Well, I'd go with the cheaper one.

I mean, they look almost identical.

Is this it? Is this the cheaper one? Yeah.

All right, well, let's go with the one from Portugal.

Because, you know, if I get the cheaper one,

then I'm always gonna think

there's a better tile in Portugal.

Okay. And I'll be unhappy.

Good thinking.

And, uh, just call my business manager.

Tell him to cut a check.

You know, I need to call Frank anyway.

Those, uh, pepper trees they just put in?

The guy from the nursery called.

He said that your... your check bounced.

Well, what is that about?

Well, the exterminator called to say

that his check bounced, too.

Well...

Is there a financial statement or something

that Frank sends each month? Uh, yes.

Probably, the fucking business manager

has his head up his ass.

Oh, but don't get upset about it.

We've got a sketch rehearsal in ten minutes.

Why don't we stop by my office

and take a hit off the fumes, baby?

Okay, why don't you put on "Dark Side of the Moon" and I'll be right there.

Okay.

What is this? What does this say?

Uh, $14.

And what is this?

Net. Right.

Could you get Frank on the phone right away?

Okay.

Larry: I don't know what you've heard about us, Mister, uh...

Hank: Bobo.

Larry: Mr. Bobo.

No, just Bobo.

Well, I don't know what you've...

(noisemaker clicking)

...heard about us, uh, Bobo.

But we here at Clown Court take clowning very seriously.

Now, I've looked over your résumé,

and I've gotta tell you I'm quite impressed.

Thank you very much.

(kazoo buzzes)

All right, there's no need...

There's no need doing that.

Why don't you put that back in the case,

and just feel free to be yourself, all right?

Now... (distorted voice) Thank you.

(man laughs) All right, I can see what's going on.

You're one of those clowns who's always on.

(bell rings) Excuse me.

Hello.

No. Would you hold my calls?

Hold my calls!

(sighs)

Would you like something to drink?

(distorted voice) That would be nice.

(laughing)

Oh! There you go.

Jesus Christ.

(laughing)

Is it me or does this suck?

I mean, I hate this sketch.

Yeah, so do I?

What? Excuse me.

I mean... I mean, do I have to get wet?

I mean, big laugh, Hank. Come on.

Really? Yeah.

Maybe I should be wetter.

Funny stuff, Lar.

Yeah, thanks, Frank. Listen, can I talk to you

in my office about the financial statement?

Sure, yeah. All right.

Clowns.

You must get laid a lot, huh?

It's the shoe thing.

You know, kick size, dick size?

Yeah, these are Bruno Magli, size 112.

I'll be right back.

Hank: Okay, Artie, do I have time to dry off?

Artie: Derek! Towel!

Well, technically, I'm responsible

'cause I own the company. Uh-huh.

But I really didn't have anything to do with this.

Well, then how did this happen?

Okay, look. I know, you're my most important client. Yeah.

I shouldn't have let anybody else

anywhere near your account.

The fucking guy. Who? What fucking guy?

Well, he's a sweet guy, actually.

He came to me from a top-notch accounting firm, fucker.

Can I have a drink? How much, Frank?

Uh, a double, I guess, please.

I mean, how much is left?

Slow down, Larry.

I'm going as slow as I can.

How much is left?

I told you that it would look like this in the fourth quarter.

No, you didn't.

Yeah, I did, uh--

When we were at the Ivy... No.

...I warned you when you were--

Yes, when you were tipping the valet.

No, you didn't, Frank.

Well, I tried to tell you all evening.

You had-- You never told me.

Larry, you bought the place in Tahoe.

Right, because you told me

I could afford the place in Tahoe! No, you, I told you--

No, Larry, you're editing your memory.

I am not editing-- How long have you been drinking, Frank?

I don't drink. Well, you just asked me for a drink.

I don't think that's the case.

You just asked me for a drink.

Everything is under control.

Everything is under control?

You have the nerve to come in here and tell me

everything's under control when I'm fucking broke?

I'd be very careful about what you say next, Frank.

You know...

you should be making a lot more money from this show.

If your fucking agent was doing his job,

we wouldn't even be having this conversation! Are you an idiot?

Answer me. Answer me, you stupid shit. Are you an idiot?

Get the fuck out of the office! Come in here like that...

I'm fucking broke, and you come in here and call...

Get-get out! Get out, Frank!

Get your big fat ass out of the office and don't come back.

I don't want to see it again.

What the fuck's the matter with him today?

Any luck?

No. He didn't move, didn't say a word.

He's still got that pillow on his head? Mm-hmm.

I don't know, Artie. It's been over three hours,

and the man hasn't moved a muscle.

Something tells me we won't be doing a show tonight.

Oh, shit, that's not an option.

He's gotta snap out of this.

It's half an hour till showtime.

I know how to get him out of there.

I hate to do it.

I have no choice.

Oh, poor Larry.

Lar? It's me, Hank.

I'm sorry.

I wanted to make sure you were getting air.

Look, if it's money you need, you just...

you just say the word.

(laughing) Not that I'm rolling in it.

Between my fucking ex-wife and the ponies,

I'm lucky if I can swing postage.

But, uh, whatever I have, you know, it's yours.

Aw, not that you're gonna need it, Larry, because you know what?

You got... you got something that's worth ten times what you lost.

And do you know what that is?

It's your name and your likeness.

Now you listen to Hank.

A couple of major endorsement deals... Whoa!

You're gonna be wiping your ass with $100 bills.

Aw, I...

I know what you need.

You need a hug.

Oh, yes, come on. (blinds clattering)

Come on.

Don't resist. Give in.

There you go. Doesn't that feel good? (loud clattering)

Come on. Yes. Yes.

You fucker.

Don't ever do that to me again.

Oh, sweetheart, it was showtime.

My hands were tied.

So, what are you gonna do about that little prick, Frank?

Well, I have a plan.

Good, I'll go over there and bounce

that little fucker out the window.

Huh? Just kidding.

You know, but I do know a couple of guys

who can be helpful-- one quick phone call.

Don't do anything, will you, please?

Aw, hell! What is it, the expense? No.

Okay, this one's on me.

I don't care if it's on you.

I have a plan, and I think it's a little more adult, if I may say.

(theme playing)

(cheers and applause)

Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you.

(cheers and applause)

Okay.

Thank you!

I fired my accountant this week

because evidently, he invested my money

in a company that had plans

to install tampon dispensers at the Citadel.

(audience laughing)

(applause)

Seriously, my accountant-- but seriously...

Seriously, my accountant,

I don't know who your accountant is, Hank.

I just found out my accountant has

a three-tiered system, actually, for investing my money--

win, place, and show.

(audience laughing)

He's a good man.

Seriously, he's a big... He's my accountant

who's just been recognized by the government and arrested.

(laughing)

But that's your plan for taking care of Frank?

A little gentle ribbing,

a couple of jokes you hope he'll see?

You know, I don't really care if he sees 'em or not. No?

I'm going home now. I'm getting a good night's sleep.

You know why? Why?

Because I have to work in the morning.

What's with the follow spot?

Larry! God, those jokes about your accountant were so funny.

Oh, good, good, thanks, yeah.

And about the walkathon,

you don't have to feel obligated to...

Paula, come on, I'm not destitute, for God's sake.

I know, I know, I didn't mean that.

It's just, you know... Whatever.

I'm happy to do it. Okay? Oh, thank you.

How much was it?

I think it was 25 doll--

You know what? It was $10 a mile.

That's fine.

It was five dollars a mile.

If it's five dollars a mile, that's fine.

Thank you. Okay.

So that's $100 total.

Good morning. How are you doing?

Good. Would you get Stevie Grant on the phone for me?

Sure. Here's a latte.

Stevie Grant. Oh, I'm sorry.

Larry! Hey.

I just want to say I'm sorry about what happened.

Phil, did you get the memo?

No, no memo. Ah!

I know this is rough, but my dad's brother

went through the exact same thing. Uh-huh.

That would be your uncle?

Yeah, that's right, yeah. Ah, mm-hmm.

Well, he owned this, uh, farm supply,

a huge farm supply business.

And it went belly-up in the '80s and, uh...

He was really a great guy.

Yeah, listen, this doesn't have a happy ending, does it, Phil?

No, I'm sorry. All right.

Will you, uh... God, I suck at cheering people up.

Excuse me. Okay.

Beverly? Yes.

What about the memo? Phil was just talking to me.

Oh, I forgot, I'm sorry, Larry.

I-I forgot. Thank you.

Um, Stevie said he'll call you right after his meeting,

uh, this morning, okay?

Who's he in a meeting with?

I don't-- Hey, Chief.

How are you doing? Morning.

Good, good, good.

Good morning. Morning, morning.

Did you tell him? Not yet.

Good, let's go into your office.

You're gonna love this.

I would like to know who he's in a meeting with,

and I would like to talk to him. Come on.

Last one in has to drop trou.

Larry...

Revenge is sweet, and I deliver it unto you.

What are you talking about?

We got him back for you.

We nailed him.

The two us, Artie and me.

That little cocksucker Frank is down. It was beautiful.

Oh, he's making too big of a fucking deal out of it.

We had a couple of pops to get the juices flowing.

Then, uh, we drove over to Frank's and...

I-I-I drove because I knew where his casa was.

I was there last Christmas, you see?

Anyway, in front of the house, there's this, this, uh...

Well, it's a, it's a sort of an arch, it's wooden,

and it's got roses and shit all over--

It's a trelis. It's a trellis.

And this trellis-- this is a gorgeous trellis.

It's just... just gorgeous.

And we stood there.

We admired it for quite a while.

Then I burned it down.

Oh, shit.

Oh, down to the fucking ground.

It sounds insane, you know, but I...

But I had lighter fluid in the trunk of my car,

and we got the idea...

And then I ran with it.

Uh-huh, Hank? Yeah.

(clearing throat)

There's no trellis at Frank's house.

Ha! Not now there ain't.

(laughing)

There's no trellis at his new house.

There's a trellis at his old house.

Not at his new house.

The one on Benedict Canyon that he just moved into.

Oh, shit.

Nice going, you fucking moron.

You know, when that Asian woman came out of the house screaming,

I just thought she was the housekeeper.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

(tsking)

Well, I gotta go.

(knock on door)

Obviously, this stays in this room.

(whispering) Oh, shit.

Uh, I'm sorry, uh, Larry?

I have Stevie on line one for you.

Oh, good.

Stevie?

Stevie on phone: Larry, two things.

First, I'm sorry.

Hey, forget that.

I just need some money and I need it fast.

I know, that was my second thing.

I was trying to show a little sensitivity.

Appreciate it.

Kentucky Fried Chicken.

What does that mean?

Spokesman, you, one year.

So I'm the new Colonel Sanders?

Ha! Funny, I'll pitch that.

Hey, take this the right way,

but I wish you'd go broke every day.

Hey, what kind of car do you like?

You know how much money I got Lindsay Wagner

for those Ford spots? How much?

Uh, I can't say, but she needed

one of the trucks to cart it home.

I'll set up a meeting with the Lexus people.

Good, all right, great.

Let's start there, and then book me

for a week in Vegas, all right?

Caesars or MGM?

Whichever one pays more.

How 'bout both? Nine shows a night, every half hour.

You know, it's like vaudeville days.

Perfect. Great.

Hey, Artie, how you doing?

Oh, sweetie, so are we gonna pick up some chicken

and drive that Lexus to Vegas?

Heh, you bet.

Hey, listen, I'm gonna--

So you're doing jokes and you're doing commercials

and you're playing Caesars, that's your plan?

Yep, that's my plan.

We're thrilled to have you as a spokesperson, Larry.

And we feel we've come up

with a very exciting campaign for Lexus.

Well, I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm excited to be here.

I brought the copy.

And I just wanted you to take a look at it.

Tell me if you have any questions.

Oh, sure.

This is great, this is great.

Uh, would-would you mind reading it out loud?

"The Lexus LS 400,

redefining the concept of luxury in our time, the class--"

woman: Excuse me, I'm sorry.

Would you mind standing?

Just stand up and do it like you would if you were, um,

actually doing the commercial?

Yeah, yeah, I-- I'll be the camera,

and the coffee table's the car.

All right.

Is the car gonna be a compact, also?

(all laughing)

Larry, don't make fun of the product.

Well, I was just making...

"The Lexus LS 400,

"redefining the concept of luxury in our time.

"The classic body styling,

"the fine, detailed leather interior, the smooth..."

Larry, the leather interior?

Uh-huh? How do you feel about it?

How do you feel about it? What are your thoughts?

Does it, does it make you feel good, do you like it?

I like it.

I liked it.

Hot in the summer...

(chuckles)

That's what I thought.

For the purposes of the commercial,

I need you to love the leather.

Okay.

To have a profound emotional response to it.

Love the leather, yeah?

Okay, I got it. Okay.

(doorbell rings)

(banging on window)

(alarm keypad beeps)

(long beep)

(beeping)

Hey, Larry, how's everything?

What are you doing here, Frank?

Do you know how late it is? Yeah, I'm sorry.

Can I-can I come in, man?

I really gotta talk to you about something.

No, no, you can't come in.

(sighs)

Okay.

It's not some other guy at the office. It's me, all right?

I got a drinking problem.

For the last two years, I've been off and on antidepressants.

I hate my life, Larry. Uh-huh.

I hate being a fucking accountant. Oh, really?

But I want you to know,

you have to believe me when I tell you

that I didn't mean to hurt you, okay? Fine.

It's the last thing I wanted to do. Okay.

I believe you.

Here, take this.

What is this?

It's money.

What is it? How much is in it?

Is it all of it? Oh!

How much?

Do you think I got that kind of money?

But it's your fees from over the years, all right?

I obviously didn't earn 'em.

So this is five percent of what I lost?

Well, more or less.

Where's the rest?

Well, I'm working on it, man. You're working on it?

But for now, we're square, right?

What do you mean, we're square, Frank?

Somebody set fire to my old house.

I got the message.

I don't know anything about that, Frank.

Okay, fine.

I swear to God.

Play it that way. Fine, fine. Good night.

(whispering) Oh, my God.

(beeping)

Morning.

Oh, good morning, Larry. Morning.

Morning, I'd like to introduce you to, uh...

Did you get the memo?

No. Oh.

Uh, these are the, uh, Chins.

Uh, Edward and Allison and Edward's mother,

whose name I'm not gonna even try to pronounce.

Oh, well, it's a pleasure to meet all of you.

Anyway, these are the people...

I'm sure you heard about it in the news whose home

was vandalized a few days ago.

Uh-huh. They burned down our trellis.

Oh, awful.

And I was so touched by their situation,

I asked them to come by for a little backstage tour,

some lunch, you know?

Just to show them that not all...

all Angelinos are bad.

Absolutely, please, enjoy yourselves while you're here.

If there's anything I can do, let me know.

I'm so sorry about the Margaret Cho show.

Anyhow, that's Larry.

So, uh, if you follow me...

if you've never seen a green room,

boy, you're in for a real true-- uh, treat.

Okay, make a decision. Okay.

They look identical, right? Yes.

(exhales)

Then let's go with the cheaper one because, uh,

why waste the money?

Good thinking. All right.

Morning! Sorry I'm late.

Had a little trouble with me car.

Oh, hey, listen.

Frank came by the house last night

and brought my money back.

How much?

Some of it.

Well, then your plan is working.

Well, I think so.

Congratulations. Hey, thanks.

Uh, excuse me, Larry.

I had a message on my desk that Frank's office called.

He's over at Cedars.

Apparently, some nut drove up on the sidewalk

and ran over his foot.

(theme music playing)