Original subtitles

Hank: Now that sign says, "Applesauce."

(audience laughing) No, no, no. I'm kidding.

It says, "Applause."

(applause) All right.

Now, remember, you're all a big part of the show.

So the better you are, the better Larry is.

Okay. Now you see this gentleman?

Now, he's giving me this sign,

and it says, "We're on in 10 seconds,"

so get ready to have a good time.

All right, here we go.

This is exciting, isn't it?

Man: In five, four, three, two...

(theme music playing)

Hank: Live, on tape from Hollywood,

the "Larry Sanders Show."

Tonight, join Larry and his guests

Ron Howard, Anita Baker, Richard Mulligan,

and me, "Hey Now" Hank Kingsley!

And now because the music makes him move,

Larry Sanders!

(cheers and applause)

Please...

Please. Thank you, thank you.

CBS, uh, fired, uh, Connie Chung

from the Evening, uh, News.

(audience boos) Uh, well...

We're Connie Chung fans here at the "Larry Sanders Show."

She's on the show often,

and it was unfortunate they had to get rid of Connie Chung

because she insisted that her sign-off line

on the CBS Evening News was

"I do you a long time, Joe."

(laughs)

(audience laughs, cheers)

You know...

"I... I do you a long time, Joe."

(laughs)

I... I so rarely laugh at my own, uh, stuff

that I'm overjoyed that something struck me funny.

McDonald's is opening its first kosher restaurant in Israel.

It will also be the first McDonald's to have

the new Never-Happy Meal.

(cheers and applause)

Author Thomas Booth is promoting a calendar,

and this is a true calendar.

It's entitled "Women Who Smoke,"

and he said he wants to dispel the myth

that women who smoke are unattractive.

This is, I believe,

a follow-up to his previous calendar...

(laughs)

I think this is as funny as the Connie Chung joke.

This, of course, is a follow-up to his previous calendar

"Chicks with One Eye."

Thank you. Thank you so much.

You don't talk to me when Anita Baker is singing

because then it won't look like I'm listening.

Hank was just scatting,

but next time, shut the fuck up.

Thank you. Gentlemen,

please don't forget Thursday afternoon

is the promo shoot.

Hey, Larry, we can't put this off any longer.

We have to choose a concept. Fine, what are the choices?

Big Larry, Little Hank puppet.

Big comedy, no strings attached. Yeah, fine.

Why do I have to be the little puppet?

Okay, Larry and Hank by the pool in bathing suits.

Summer of fun.

Fine. No.

No? Okay, last one.

Larry and Hank soaring over the audience.

High-flying comedy!

That sounds-- that sounds like fun.

Who writes this shit?

Network publicists.

They think this kind of crap is clever.

Hankala!

Agent Sid?

Follow me. Big news!

Right here. And now, my darling,

there is someone I want you to meet.

This is, uh, Irene Goodman of Southern Orange Growers.

Hello, Irene! How do you do?

And there is something she would like to tell you in person.

Okay.

Hank, we have chosen you to be our new commercial spokesman.

Oh, boy! What did I tell you?

Thank you! This is great!

This is really, I'm, uh-- I'm, uh--

I'm just-- I'm just juiced.

Juiced! Ha ha! That's cute!

Sid: Is that a funny? Yes.

Just out of curiosity,

who'd I beat out for this job?

Well, I believe it was between you and Sandy Duncan.

Really? Oh!

Oh, and-- and-- and they were afraid

that people would think the eye thing

was because of the orange juice.

Now there is one final formality.

You probably know that we have had some problems

with a few of our spokesmen.

Yes. Burt Reynolds.

A tense man. Yes, well...

Um, would you mind answering a few questions?

No! No, not at all.

Feel free.

Um, have you ever been arrested?

(laughs) Never, no.

Never, ever. He's-- He's a good boy.

Do you ever smoke marijuana?

(laughs)

No way.

He doesn't even eat smoked whitefish.

Or engage in any activities that would reflect adversely

upon the Southern Orange Growers?

Okay, let me explain something to you.

I'm a very simple man.

I come here. I do my work. I go home.

I read, uh, the "Bridges of..."

Sid: "Madison County."

"Madison County,"

and if that's boring, just bore me silly

'cause I love it.

I knew we picked the right man.

Well, thank you!

See, I told you Hank's not in right now.

We shouldn't be in here.

(laughs)

I know he's got some candy. I see him eating it all day.

Hey now, I know I'm stoned--

Why? To get to the other side?

(sarcastic laugh) Where does he keep the cigars?

Did you ever see the candy at the movies?

Oh, yeah. They're huge.

Yeah, those Nestle Crunch bars, they weigh like a pound.

Ah, treasure!

Here we go. Great! Shh! Let's go!

Hey, look at this! Look!

Hey, kids, let's go smoke another fatty

and watch Hank's birthday.

(laughs)

It's a nice office.

Hank (on video tape): Open the door?

Oh, I'll do that.

Wow, is this going to be a surprise?

Women: Happy birthday!

Hank: Ho ho ho ho!

It's my birthday!

(all laughing) Hey now.

So imagine us watching this last night.

We're stoned. Hank's birthday.

We think it's Hank and Ray Combs eating cake.

I shall wash, but I shan't be clean.

Pinky's got the tits. Bootsy's got the ass.

Hey, Paula, have you seen Larry? I--

(moaning)

Larry Sanders thinks he's the boss.

That's right! But you're the boss.

That's right.

Oh, my God.

(gasps) Ooh, it's Hank!

Eww!

Yeah, maybe we should shut it off.

No, no, no, let it play. Let it play.

What's wrong?

Hank: I... We talked about this!

Don't bring up Artie.

Now, the snake doesn't like Artie.

The snake! Oh, my God!

(hissing)

What's going on?

Hank (on TV): Up periscope!

(screaming and laughing)

Where'd you get this?

Um... from your office.

You stole this from my office?

No, not exactly. You stole this from my office.

Not exactly, we-- we were walking by.

It said, "Hank's birthday."

We thought we'd missed your party or something. Shame on you.

Sit down.

Shame on you. Shame on you.

Exactly at what point did you realize

this wasn't Hank's birthday?

This isn't my tape.

What did you do?

Copies. Not a copy.

Copies, as in more than one!

In the first place, we do not panic.

It's like the Rob Lowe situation.

Nobody remembers the Rob Lowe tapes.

Rob Lowe? Rob Lowe.

Rob Lowe. Rob Lowe!

Excuse me. Just an easy question.

Don't want to shake you up. What's my name?

Irving Sussman. What's my name?

Hank Kinglsey. I know your name.

Rob Lowe has a playboy image, right?

So? Go ahead. Okay-- So?

People think of Hank Kingsley

as just a meat-and-potatoes guy.

True, true. You know?

A guy you can invite over for dinner.

"Hey, Hank! What are you doing tonight?

"Do you want some dinner? Come on over!

"We're having some meat and potatoes.

"What's that? You can't make it?

You're busy? What are you doing?"

"Well, I'm just fucking two women!"

Jesus. Would you say something?

It cycles! Show business is cycles.

Do you understand how humiliating this is?

Do you understand how exposed I feel?

My God, I can lose the Orange Growers... deal.

Who knew you were gonna pull out your pecker on camera?

This is what you choose to say to me at this moment.

I didn't-- I didn't do it!

This is how you choose to represent--

You know, maybe I need a younger agent.

Oh, Hank, please. I'm not kidding.

I'm talking to some people at William Morris.

One of them is in his 60s.

He's looking very good.

So don't mess around!

All right, all right, fine.

Tell-- tell Larry and Art.

We can handle everything but the loss of this job.

In the meantime, I'll snoop around town

like a bloodhound and look for the tape.

Oy, oy, God, help me up.

Oh, God. Easy, easy.

Oy, I have to get more exercise. Come on, come on.

And I gotta find a gym that'll take me. Come on!

Hey, Artie!

I was just working on the promos.

We're still shooting those tomorrow, right?

Right.

How are your flakes?

Flakes are good.

I trust they're still crispy in the milk.

Actually, they're kind of soggy.

I ought to kick your ass. Excuse me?

That tape you copied is crawling around town

like a fucking Ebola virus.

I only made one copy.

And then sent it into the world like the fucking Ebola virus.

I just sent it to a friend.

So what are you doing to resolve the situation, sonny boy?

Because this little stunt of yours

may well cost that poor man his livelihood.

If Hank goes down, you go down.

You'll be gone, Phil. Zzzt!

God, listen, I'm sorry--

I don't give a shit!

Pick up the phone and get the names and numbers

of everyone who's a part

of this underground railroad of perverts.

You and I are gonna get these tapes back?

And I hope to hell it's not too late.

Artie, I really am sorry.

No problem, buddy! You make me laugh!

I hope to hell we don't have to fire your ass.

It's a tough town, that New York.

It is a tough town.

They got, uh, you know,

homeless guys everywhere you look, you know?

And that's tough, it breaks your heart, you know?

And, uh...

I seen one guy there the other day in New York,

a homeless guy had a dog with him, you know?

Yeah. And that's tough.

You feel sorry for the-- for the dog, you know?

I mean... Right.

You know, the dog's not thrilled with the deal.

He's got a homeless guy, you know?

And, uh...

It's bad enough when the dog doesn't have a house.

Right, now it's--

You know, he's going, "Hey, I can do this by myself.

I don't need a goddamn..."

Right. You know?

It's like the longest walk in the world

to the dog, you know?

(laughter, applause)

He's just waiting...

Well, why don't we take a break,

and then we'll, uh, come back,

and we'll, uh, talk some more.

You wanna do that? Yeah, that's great.

Okay, you're just hilarious.

We'll be right back with Norm MacDonald.

More with Norm right after this break.

No flipping!

Stagehand: We're clear!

Good. Good, good, good, good, good--

Hey, hey, Lar, I, uh...

saw that tape of Hank, man.

That's some kind of hog he's got on him, huh?

I'm glad the Fonz is sitting here between us.

I feel kind of safe.

You look really good, Hank.

Very centered.

Life must be good, huh?

I'm drunk.

Actually my life is shit.

Well, it can't be that bad.

I mean, I just heard that you were coming out

with some kind of a tape, an exercise tape.

Congratulations.

What is that, a joke?

What, are you trying to be funny?

You know, you can't just, uh, bang a jukebox

and go, "Heyyy!"

and all your problems disappear, Fonzie.

It worked for me.

Aw, go fuck yourself.

Hey, Hank, Henry's a dear friend of mine.

He brought everybody banana bread.

He gave Larry his sweaters.

Don't pick on him.

If you want to pick on somebody,

pick on Norm MacDonald.

He didn't bring anything.

I'm just kidding. Hey, you're a very funny man.

You know, it's true. You're very funny.

Really, I just wanna say that.

My children love the, uh, News Update you do

on "Saturday Night Live."

Have you seen Hank's tape?

Man, it's unbelievable.

The guy's got a huge cock on him.

Then why is he so upset?

Hank: All right. All right. Woman: Yes, yes.

Professor, she's lying!

Hank: Oh, now, Ginger,

you have been naughty with Mary Ann.

Going to have to punish you.

We're going to, uh...

Is it just me or is Hank really hung?

Well, the camera adds 10 pounds.

Hey, Hank.

Hey!

We've got Andrew Shue an the show tonight

and Alicia Silverstone.

That's pretty cool.

And, uh, next week, we've got a couple guests I'm pretty excited about.

Joan Lunden...

Tuesday, and, yeah...

This Friday.

Don't let her talk to me like that, Professor.

No, you don't talk to her like that.

You wash your mouth out with... Hank!

(Hank and women laughing)

Woman: Hey! Ooh!

(woman purrs)

This makes me look really bad.

You're going to have to distance yourself from this one, buddy boy.

Because if Hank gets that dick of his caught in a wringer,

everyone near him is gonna get splattered.

(knock on door)

Hey, guys.

How goes it, Hank?

Uh, actually, not so good.

My agent told me to keep a lid on this,

but, um... I said no way.

I gotta talk to my friends Larry and Artie.

Oh, can it, we know about the tape.

Okay, I'm trying to get them all back.

I'm-- I'm-- I'm gonna do the best I can.

Hey, whatever happens, we're there for you. You know that.

Artie: We're on the case! Larry: Yep.

All right. Good.

All right. That's all I need to know.

Larry: All right, all right.

Hey, and we're gonna kill them on those promos tomorrow!

Oh, they, uh-- I'm glad you brought that up

because didn't they just change those?

Yeah, that's right.

Because I wasn't feeling well.

Look fine to me!

No. Under the weather--

What do you want, to check his goddamn temperature?

Hank: No, no. 'Cause you can if you want to.

No, no, I just, uh,

I wanna thank you for your support,

please, in this time.

It means so... so much to me. Is my fly down?

Huh?

Oh, God. I was just thinkin'.

I know what you were thinking.

Larry, you've always been there for me.

Yes.

And I've always been there for you, and that's why that--

that audience sees that chemistry.

It's right there on camera.

You know, sex is not a dirty thing.

Sex is not a crime.

It's a loving act between two or more consenting adults.

To quote our president.

(laughs)

There's our chemistry!

Is the cape right?

Woman: Yes.

Hi. Hi. I'm Larry Sanders!

And I'm flying high with comedy

right here every night at 11:30

on KBSS Kansas City!

Man: And we cut.

All right. Where's Artie?

He'll be back in a minute.

Okay, would you turn the fan-- Stop the fan, please.

Jeez.

I cut one a few minutes ago.

It must be all the way to Seinfeld by now.

(laughs)

All right, does my ass look all right in this?

I'm not qualified to answer that.

Well, you have a bad angle there.

Beverly? No, it's fine.

Really? It's good.

Well, maybe I should wear this all the time.

What's the concept again?

The concept is you are so excited about the comedy

that you've taken flight.

All right, well, let's go on.

What's next? Pittsburgh, okay.

Thought you were sick.

Yeah, I am sick.

I'm sick as a dog, they just insisted that, uh,

that we do this today. Well, you lied to me.

Come on. You lied to me.

You're a liar.

You are the one who made the tape... Oh, yeah?

...who had the sex with the two women...

You're a liar! ...and left it in a desk drawer

to embarrass the show!

Hi. Hi.

I'm gonna kill him.

Who?

Larry.

I'm gonna wait for him after the show

in the parking lot,

and I'm gonna fucking kill him.

Now listen to me, you're gonna help me do it.

I'm Lyle. You're Eric.

We're gonna grab a couple of shotguns,

and we're gonna take out Daddy.

Shh! Okay?

What are you laughing at, huh?

You bald piece of shit. You fat little whore!

(crashing)

Stop it! Stop it!

Hank?!

Hank?

Is this a bad time?

Hello! Oh, hello!

Irene Goodman, Southern Orange Growers.

Yes, yes, that's what I thought.

Hank's talked so much about you.

I'm, uh--

Oh, Larry, we are such fans of yours

at the Orange Growers. Oh, that's so sweet of you.

I'm a big fan of the Orange Growers.

Without you, there'd be no oranges.

(both laugh)

You're so lucky to have Hank as your spokesperson.

You know, he's just in the middle of practicing, uh,

the sketch moves for the Ike Turner sketch

we're doing a little later on in the show.

It's gonna be hilarious.

That was great! That was great!

Oh ho! Ike...

(laughing)

Listen, we have to do the show,

but why don't you stay and watch in my, uh, office?

In your office? Oh, you wouldn't mind?

Beverly! Beverly! Beverly: Yes.

Would you do me a favor and show Ms. Goodman to my office?

Make her comfortable. Your office?

Yeah, my office.

Everybody makes such a big deal about my office around here.

I don't know... why.

But enjoy it, have a good time.

Don't touch anything, especially the awards.

Keep your hands off them. There's a lot of them.

Pen and pencil set, that's an award.

My advice to you is that you get all the tapes back

for your own good. Okay.

All right?

I'm going to do the show now.

All right.

How many tapes? One.

Just one?! But it's at "Hard Copy."

What?! Yeah.

Okay, uh, tell Ms. Goodman

that I'll be there after the show,

and, uh, I-- oh, I gotta think!

I gotta think.

(sniffles)

Look, uh... I'm not a religious man.

I don't, uh, I don't have a moral code to live by,

But I-- I... I will now.

If you could just...

Could you help me out of this problem?

If you do, Lord, I will, um...

I'll maintain... "A public image consistent

"with the family values of the client's product,

"and all my actions will improve the general perception

"of Southern Citrus fruits, juices, and related products,

"and I will avoid any actions or appearance of actions

detrimental to the same."

(sobbing) So help me, God.

Hank.

This is it. The last one.

I had to pull some strings

with my old service buddy Sumner Redstone,

but I plucked it away from "Hard Copy."

Thank you.

It's over.

The genie's back in the bottle.

Artie...

you're looking at a newborn Hank Kingsley.

He is decent, and he is moral.

Amen, brother.

"Full House" was finally canceled.

(audience applauds)

Oh, yeah.

(laughs)

Oh, don't worry.

Bob Saget's still doing the show where people get hurt.

(Hank moans) (laughs)

And who's the boss?

Both women: You are!

(Hank chuckles nervously)

(chuckling)

Well, I just blew out the candles.

You certainly did.

(door opens) Hank: Is that chemistry?

I don't know what to say.

I want this job.

I want it. It means everything to me.

So... just give me another chance, please.

Is there anything I can do? Anything!

(whispering) Would you like to come up

to my hotel tonight?

For only Southern Oranges have...

Yee-haw! (laughter)

...the taste of Dixie in a purty little carton.

Hey! What do you think?

Good, I wish it was me.

Who'd you have to fuck to get this?

(laughs)

(theme music playing)