Original subtitles

(cheering and applause)

My next guest, I'm sure you'll recognize.

She is an inter... I can't even say this...

she's an internationally known model and actress.

Please welcome Tatjana.

(cheering and applause) ♪ ♪

Tatjana, I'm sorry.

You began to... you started to kiss me on each cheek

and I pulled away because I... I...

first of all, I'm American,

and I'm used to only kissing on one cheek.

That's okay. Second of all,

just being who I am, I'm always just happy with one kiss,

and I figure the second one's...

I'm gonna somehow get hurt.

No, no.

So I... when you kissed me on one side

then went to the other side,

I... I panicked 'cause I thought I was gonna get hit.

Usually a kiss on one side

and a hit on the other.

But that's a very European thing, isn't it?

Yes. Sure, sure.

Because of your... sure.

If you were Asian, we would have bowed.

So, uh... oh, so you're from Sweden, aren't you?

I grew up there. You grew up in Sweden.

What city, if I may ask?

Uh, Malmo. Oh, that's beautiful.

Hank: What city?

Have you been? (audience laughs)

What do I know of that...

I love Oslo. That's in Norway.

Yes, it's Norway. (laughter)

Paula! Paula, you gotta help me.

Jeannie's coming up in the elevator.

Hank on TV: Yeah, I know one...

Did you hear me?

Jeannie's coming up in the elevator right now!

Jeannie who?

Jeannie Sanders, Larry's ex-wife!

Well, you're delightful. And do you cook?

Yeah. Oh, man.

That is great. What do you make?

I cook all kinds of things.

Really? Mm-hmm.

Like?

Well, some Swedish things,

but I... I like Italian food,

so I cook a lot of that.

Wow, that is so rare to find someone else

who likes Italian food.

Ha ha!

Artie, according to Beverly, Jeannie Sanders is here.

Oh, gee, what the hell is she doing here?

I don't know. You asking me?

No, I'm asking the guy with one eye in row 6.

I don't think he knows either.

First we have the damn juggler

who bangs his head with a bowling ball,

and now this. Ohh. Take over.

Don't get drunk.

We want to know everything.

I just... we don't have enough time.

I'll have to tell you over, uh, heh heh, dinner.

But, listen, we're out of time.

Join me tomorrow night.

My guests will be, uh, Shawn Colvin,

Parker Posey, and, uh, David Duchovny.

Again? We have David Duchovny again.

(scoffs) Wow, Larry's office hasn't changed a bit.

Oh, is, uh,

that right?

Who is this?

Uh, that's Dana Delany.

She was on "China Beach."

I don't watch TV.

Larry used to get so annoyed

that I didn't know who any of the guests were.

Jeannie Sanders is in the house!

Hey, sweetie, you look great.

Oh, thank you, Arthur. That's so sweet. So do you.

Hey, Beverly, why don't we put Jeannie in the green room?

The Wayans family is in there.

A lot of fun going on. Hey, big house party.

I would really rather just stay here, if that's okay.

Sure. Okay.

Tatjana: You made me laugh so hard.

No, you did great... Oh, hey.

It's Jeannie!

I know who it is.

What's wrong with you?

Hi-- Gee, I didn't know you were coming.

No one told me.

Well, I wanted it to be a surprise.

Well, you look great. Did you see any of the show?

No, I just got here.

Magnificent. The best of Larry.

And you, my dear-- (blows kiss) the best of Tatjana.

Tatjana, this is my ex-wife Jeannie.

Jeannie, Tatjana.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

I, I hope it's all right that I came by like this.

Oh, it's fine.

Yes, of course. Don't be silly.

I mean, uh, I'm happy to see you.

How was the, uh, juggler?

Mucho blood, but, you know, not as bad as it looks.

Lot of veins in the scalp, you know.

Yeah, good to know. Well, we should...

we should have dinner, catch up. But, uh, tonight I'm...

Oh, it's okay, I, I should've called ahead. No, no, no.

I just have dinner every night with the third guest.

It just happens to be Tatjana tonight.

Hey, uh, what do I have the rest of the week?

Uh, actually I think you're booked for the rest of the week.

Well, let's just come up with something

and, uh, open a date up.

When... whichever day you can go, and we'll have dinner,

and catch up. It'll be nice.

Okay. Good.

Your keys. Oh, thank you.

Vendela was right. It's so terrific in here.

Isn't it? Yeah.

Yeah...

I can't believe I drove an hour for that.

Beverly: Well, he didn't know you were coming.

You know these supermodels have no stored fat.

When they gotta eat, they gotta eat.

Hey.

Hey hey hey. Hey.

Jeannie Sanders. Hello, Hank.

Gee, you look great.

Does Larry know you're here?

Yes, he knows.

Is, uh, Larry going to dinner with Tatjana?

Yes. Ah.

Heh heh. Oh, it's so typical.

You know, I warm 'em up,

and just... Larry scores.

Well, it was nice seeing you all.

You're not going so soon, are you, dear?

Uh, yeah. I'm gonna go across the street and have a drink.

See you later.

I need a drink. You want to join me?

I'm on the wagon.

Mm-mmm.

Jeannie?

Would you like a drink?

Yeah, I could sure use one.

He looked right through me.

Oh, I know.

I know. It's a cold stare.

Yeah, like, um, "Hi.

"I'm a star. Who are you?"

Oh, my God, that's it.

You send shivers down my spine.

Really? Yeah!

I also do Cagney, you know.

(both laugh)

Thank you.

You know why he's like that.

Why?

His family completely screwed him up.

I gotta ask you something. Mmm.

You don't have to tell me, but I mean,

did they spank him?

Yes.

Constantly. I knew that.

Yeah.

(doing a bad Cagney impression) You dirty rat.

You killed my brother, see?

And now I'm gonna kill you, see? Yeah.

(laughs)

(laughs)

Oh, my God.

I am... I'm never having another drink again in my life.

I've got to go.

Oh, Jesus.

I have to, uh...

I have to go. What?

You're not gonna say anything to Larry?

Hank, that's my dress.

Okay.

Uh, Jeannie? What?

I'm gonna go now.

I, uh, I ate everything in the mini bar

while you were asleep.

I'll send you a check.

What do you think?

Hank, you've got to be yelling at Larry

'cause your teeth hurt.

Hank: Okay, I got it, I'm sorry.

I'm ready now.

I mean, I didn't mind it that way. All right.

Let's... can we try it again? Please. Yeah.

All right. Mr. Washington,

you know, these wooden teeth will last a lifetime,

as long as you don't put a, uh, beaver in your mouth.

All right? All right.

Line?

No, no, no!

Take it easy! Okay, crew, take five.

But up to there it was good, right?

Terrific. You were very good.

Hank, buddy, you gotta help me out with this.

There's too many lines, or are the words just too big?

No. I'm just... I'm just off today.

(sniffing) Hey, I know that smell.

Excuse me. Ah, shrimp puffs.

Thank you. How did you know?

How'd I know you were hungry? Lucky guess.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

I went out with Jeannie last night.

Huh?

Went out with Jeannie last night.

Really? Well, that's great.

Yeah, it was fun. We had a couple of drinks.

We... we had fun. Great, great.

I kind of felt bad

about leaving her here the other night.

We really got drunk later on, I tell you.

Yeah. Did she seem happy?

Well, before or after I fucked her?

(all laughing)

I know it wasn't during,

'cause she would have been nauseous.

Can we... can we try this again?

Yeah. Come on, guys, let's go.

I, uh...

I did something, uh, completely insane last night.

What do you mean?

I mean, uh, I, uh...

It was an accident, but I slept with Jeannie.

Are you serious?

Are you trying to say that you slept with, uh, Jeannie?

Yeah, but it was an accident.

It was an accident? Yeah.

What do you mean, she slipped on something

and fell onto your penis?

(whispers) Sorry.

He fucked her.

Oh, God!

Rehearsal's over!

Phil, get out of here.

Now you didn't see anything, you didn't hear nothing. Scram!

I can't believe that Hank drilled Jeannie.

Get out of here!

No! This way.

Sweetheart, baby, trying to ruin us all?

Our jobs depend on Larry being just that much better

than the other guy.

I don't know why I did it.

Ah, forget that! Why did you tell him?

I couldn't help it. He was looking at me.

Oh, god damn you.

What should I do, Artie?

First, you don't ever go within a mile of Jeannie,

never, ever.

Never, never... No, ever!

Never ever. Second...

don't say another word to Larry, okay?

I mean it, Hank.

Don't bring it up. Don't apologize.

I'll take care of it.

Thanks, Artie.

Oh, shut the fuck up. Yes, sir.

What are you hiding? Ha ha ha!

Surprise!

Oh, what is that?

Well, Larry felt bad that Artie stopped the cappuccino runs

so he bought this for you.

Oh, yeah? If he feels so bad, why doesn't he pay

for the cappuccino runs? He's got the money.

'Cause this is better. How is this better?

Well, you can make your own americano espresso cappuccino

any time you want.

That's the problem. I have to make it,

then I have to clean it.

Or if somebody else makes it,

probably I have to clean it.

Why are you being so ungrateful?

Because it's an empty gesture

made in the spirit of cheapness.

Hey, I know how to make cappuccino.

Do you know how to clean up after yourself

when you make cappuccino?

Don't be so grumpy.

Um, here, Brian.

Thank you, Beverly.

This is a beautiful plate.

This was sent in to us from, uh,

Kim Caboutsie who lives in Bend, Oregon.

It's a plate, and it says...

"Sit Down With Hank and Larry."

Wow. That is... that is a beautiful plate.

That is a beautiful plate,

but not as beautiful

as the plate in your head.

(audience hoots, laughs)

This, uh, next gift is from Dwayne Beller

from Corpus Christi, Texas.

He wrote "The Larry Sanders Show" on the side of it.

This is a... this is a...

It's nice the inmates get time for arts and crafts.

It says here that this thing works

from up to 10 feet away... oh, my God!

My God, it does work. Wait a minute!

Oh... that is not... that is not 10 feet!

No, that isn't 10 feet.

Boy, that could hurt you.

Okay, why don't we take... Hey, this works great!

We'll be right back. No flipping.

♪ ♪

Hey, hey, hey! All right.

You got it.

Hey, what's going on here?

Come on! Hey, you kids settle down here!

(fly unzips)

Wow! Weird vibe, weird vibe.

Can you feel it?

All I feel is a slight burning.

Listen, uh, I apologize, and--

Let's just drop it, please.

I got to tell you though, she was really coming on to me.

I really don't want to talk about it.

Even in the marriage,

I should've seen the whole thing,

because it was obvious that she... she dug me.

You know, you're a talentless fat fuck, you know that?

Wow. I'm sorry?

I'm sorry. Did I say... talentless fat fuck,

I meant... I meant, uh, sidekick.

So, well, Jeannie tells me

you wet your little bed till you were 8?

And what else did she say? She said something about...

Oh, yeah, we're both afraid of white water rafting.

I would think twice...

before you say anything else.

Uh, Larry? The... oh.

The... your yogurt's melting.

Would you do me a favor and call Jeannie

and tell her I want to have dinner with her tonight, please?

Somewhere nice?

(flushing)

Then we had... we had Kevin Costner on last night.

And then tomorrow night we've got David Duchovny

and the Black Crowes.

Oh, well, that sounds like a good show.

Yeah, I think it'll be good.

You don't know who they are, do you?

No, not really.

Well, David Duchovny's on "The X-Files."

Wonderful show. Very hot show right now.

You ever seen it?

No, I haven't.

No. Neither have I.

I saw you Tuesday on the side of a bus.

Oh, really? Which one?

Uh, it was going to El Segundo.

Oh, yes, yes. How was the picture?

Well, it was, um, covered with exhaust

but you looked thin.

All right, you know what? I'm done.

You haven't touched your fish.

No, I mean I'm done waiting for you

to tell me that you slept with Hank.

Oh, Jesus, he told you?

Yes, he told me.

I'm...

Okay.

Okay, I slipped.

Oh, and fell onto his penis?

Just as I suspected.

Larry, stop it. What?

Fine, fine.

Fine. You know what?

Who's to say what life is?

Maybe you guys are meant to be together. Oh, please.

Maybe you're perfect for each other.

I am not gonna discuss this with you.

Oh, good, good, fine.

And I would appreciate if you did not discuss with Hank

anything about my personal life,

including the fact that I wet my bed when I was 8.

I believe that is my business.

All right, I'm sorry. It slipped out.

Oh, it slipped out, along with the fact

that I am afraid to go white water rafting?

So I guess when you had an orgasm,

you started yelling,

"Larry doesn't like white water rafting!

"Oh, God! Larry doesn't like white water rafting!"

You know this makes it so clear

why our marriage didn't work out.

Do you think you can stay past, uh, Friday?

Can you change your flight? No, I can't.

You know, I have to go back to work.

Oh, gee, I thought we'd... we'd...

you know, what is this?

It's a kitty cat.

"Thanks for a purr-fect evening"?

Yeah. Hank drew it for me.

Oh, yeah?

Then it can't be too serious

'cause otherwise, you know, he would've drawn a pony.

That's what he's best at. Larry...

Larry, the only reason...

Listen, I want you to know something.

The only reason that I slept with Hank was to hurt you.

But, but I don't want you to tell him that,

'cause I don't want to hurt his feelings.

Hey, hey, I don't want to hurt his feelings either.

Jeannie slept with you because she was trying to hurt me.

Wow. You're really something, aren't you?

You just have to get in there and take it away,

that special something that happened between she and I.

Wow, did you read that off of a greeting card?

That was sweet.

You know, she happens to be my ex-wife.

Oh, that's right, I forgot. I'm sorry.

I mean, it's just the universe

just revolves around Larry Sanders.

The sun sets at night

so it can be at home to watch your monologue.

The world just loves Larry.

There they are, the sunshine boys.

I'm not cleaning that.

I'm well aware of that.

Uh, excuse me, I just wanted to get a cup of coffee.

Oh, wait, here. Have a cappuccino.

Hey, when did we get a cappuccino machine?

I was told you bought the cappuccino machine.

Oh, I did. I hope you like it.

Be careful, it's hot!

Mmm! God, it's fucking hot!

I told you it was hot.

Oh, Beverly always says it's hot,

but it's never that fucking hot.

Exactly, because we get the good kind from Starbucks

and they arrive at the perfect temperature.

I don't care, that's fucking hot.

Beverly? I told you it was hot.

Mmm, look at him, gloating.

I'm the one who should be gloating.

I'm the one who banged his ex-wife.

Actually, neither one of you should be gloating.

Big gloater.

He's not gloating, he burned his mouth.

Researchers have found

that scuba diving may cause brain damage.

Well, there's a shock to the people who watch "Baywatch."

(audience laughs)

Did you know that they have, uh, found, evidently, now...

the FBI's investigating that a 12-year-old boy

may somehow be involved

with this horrible tragedy in Oklahoma?

A 12-year-old boy?

Now that's where you just got to say,

"Hey, son, you're grounded."

(audience laughs)

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Hi. Stu, hi.

How are you?

Yeah, I... I... I miss you, too.

Uh-huh.

I'm coming home tomorrow.

Yeah. Uh, nothing.

Saw some old friends.

Listen, can... can...

can you hold on for a second?

Just... just hold on.

(TV clicks off)

Hi.

Yeah.

I've been thinking about the question that you asked me.

How's your mouth?

It's not good. I burned myself

on the coffee yesterday.

Can't we just get the coffee from Starbucks

from now on with the little cookies

with the chocolate on the tip? I like those.

Okay. Please?

Jeannie: Hey.

Oh, hey. Hi. Are you busy?

No, no.

I'll, um, get the Orajel. Okay.

I burned my tongue on coffee earlier.

Um, I came to say good-bye.

I'm flying home.

Oh, you're kidding. No.

You can't stay through the weekend?

I was... I was gonna have more free time there.

Hank, we're in the middle of discussing...

I... I asked him to come in.

Whenever I come to L.A., I get all confused

and... and twisted around. I, I hate L.A.

The good thing about being here this time

is that I know what I want, now.

I want a normal life.

So do I.

As do I.

For the love of God.

I was hoping you could stay

for a couple more days.

Larry, I can't.

I'm engaged.

You're engaged? Yeah.

Well, when did you get engaged?

At about 11:45 last night.

And... and Stu's a really good person.

You're marrying someone named Stu?

Yes, I am.

And you know, I might even...

I might even tell him about all of this some day.

Oh, I wouldn't do that.

Well, you're right. You wouldn't.

Look, I have to go.

I don't want to miss my flight.

Bye, Larry.

Bye, Hank.

Bye-bye.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

(exhales sharply)

You were married to that whacko for three years?

Can you believe that?

Jeannie, dear, thank you so much for coming today.

Oh, well, thank you for convincing me to come, Arthur.

I hope it did some good.

I think, my dear, it was something

only you could lay to rest, so to speak.

Well, see you.

Good luck with the wedding. Just a sec.

From all of us here, we'd like you to take this little gift.

Oh! Uh, thank you.

Stu loves cappuccino.

I'm sure he does, and Jeannie, sweetheart,

I hope you don't take this the wrong way,

but you're never coming back again, are you?

No.

♪ ♪