Original subtitles

Okay, that's it for the show tonight.

Hank: Yep, beautiful. Terrific,

thank you, everybody, we're out of time.

My guest tomorrow night will be, uh, Gail O'Grady, Aaron Neville,

and of course, our good friend Dana Carvey!

Wow. Dana Carvey, tomorrow night.

Good night.

(cheering and applause)

Good job. Oh, I'm way off.

Way off, no, I couldn't find my glasses and--

The water.

Your lips look a little cracked or something.

Oh, of course, they misplaced the lip balm.

Man: Clear!

(phone ringing)

(typing)

Hello, Hank Kingsley's office.

Hello?

Oh, damn it.

Excuse me, I hate to be a bother, but is there some

religious reason you're not answering my phone?

Uh, Hank,

I am Larry's assistant and I answer Larry's phone.

Why don't you just hire a temp?

Hey, Hank, I got a friend that needs a job.

(mocking) Hey, Hank, I have a friend that needs a job.

I'm sure you have lots of friends that need a job.

What Darlene does is not a job,

you see, it's a calling and I--

I will wait for her return.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Good show, Larry.

Dana Carvey called,

he's definitely in for poker tomorrow night

and his office sent this tape over.

It's an impression of Dana doing you on "Saturday Night Live."

He wants to do it on the show.

You wanna watch it? Oh. No.

I don't need to see it, I'm sure it's fine.

Okay. Leave it.

Okay.

Hey! Look out, me boy.

I found me lucky poker hat. Oh, yeah, by the way.

Dana Carvey called and he's in for the game tomorrow night,

so let's hope we can win some of that "Wayne's World" money, huh?

"Wayne's World" money!

Mmm.

Shwing!

Well, see you mañana.

Artie, Artie? Yeah.

You-- You've got my tape.

What tape?

The-- the tape under your hat.

Yeah. Oh!

Oh.

That is the Dana Carvey tape, the impression he did of me on

"Saturday Night Live," and I have--

I haven't seen it.

Well, of course you haven't.

You've got better things to do on Saturday night

than watch that crap.

Right. Let's look at it.

I wouldn't do that. Yeah.

I want to see it.

You'll love it.

(audience applause on TV)

You know, he's so weird, Lorne Michaels.

I-- I think he's on crack.

You're in front of the TV.

Just remember that all America loves you, buddy.

Okay, okay.

Well, I can't-- What are you doing?

I can't see.

Thank you.

Are you working out or something? You're getting very wide.

I'm shoving it up.

Yasser Arafat, the first terrorist

nominated for the peace prize.

This is sort of akin to Madonna being nominated for best virgin!

Well, it's not accurate at all.

Of course not, it's just more of that shit

they do on Saturday Night Live.

I mean, what is that thing he's doing with his chin?

My chin doesn't look like that, does it?

You have a beautiful chin.

All those people on "Saturday Night Live," they just wish they

had a chin like yours, chinless little cocksucker.

Why is he whining like that?

I mean, I don't whine like that.

No, not like that.

What do you mean not like that?

Well, you-- You lilt.

He wants to do this on the show. Are you aware of that?

I don't know why he thinks it's funny,

it looks like Tim Curry. Well, just--

Well, just tell him that he can't.

Well, thank you, I intend to.

There.

Okay, hold it.

Don't tell him no.

Then it'll look like I can't laugh at myself, and we know

that's not true, so just tell him he can do it, it's fine.

That's why you, sir, are the greatest man in show business.

Yeah. (kisses)

Hello? Hello?

Fuck you!

Why Darlene needs a vacation, I don't know.

I'm the one that needs a vacation.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Just tell your friend to please be here

first thing in the morning.

Really? Yes.

That's great, you won't be sorry, thanks.

Hello?

Hank: I'm tracing this call

right now.

Pound sand up your ass!

Delete? What is delete?

Paula: Good morning, Hank.

This is my friend I was telling you about.

Hey now.

(quietly) Oh, of course.

Oh, of course!

From the Cirque du Soleil.

The sad clown, right?

No, no, you're thinking of Pinot.

This is Brian, he's here for the assistant's job.

Hey now. Well, hey now.

Really a big fan, Mr. Kingsley. Thanks.

Yeah, I've been a big fan ever since you hosted

"Double Danger." Remember?

(imitating Hank) Everybody put on their protective goggles

and let's all play "Double Danger"! "Double Danger."

Wow, you really are big fan, aren't you? I am.

Paula: Show him your resume.

Oh. No, you don't have to.

Wow, personal assistant to Barbara Streisand?

Well, actually, I was the personal assistant to her

personal assistant.

And you left that job because?

Well, I really can't say

because I signed a confidentiality agreement.

She made him clean the hair out of her tub.

Paula, the woman wears a lot of hats.

Well, you're not gonna have that problem with me.

Where are you from?

Ah, originally British Columbia.

Oh, our nation's capital.

Canada. (phone ringing)

I know. Whatever.

Canada. Close.

Please, you're-- You got the job, help me.

Okay.

Mr. Hank Kingley's office, may I help you?

Fred Travalena.

Um, he can't be reached right now, he's in a meeting.

May I take a message?

Certainly. Great.

Thanks. Thank you.

And, you know, he's a big fan, so.

What else?

He's from our nation's capital.

So, uh, here's how the drill goes, it's real--

Artie. I'd like you to meet Brian,

he's substituting for Darlene while she's on vacation.

Oh, welcome to our little family, Brian.

Little tip.

Don't speak to Larry unless he speaks to you.

Have fun, my boy.

Nice suit.

Cut it out, okay? Well, this is a crazy year.

A lot of firsts this year. We've got in the peace category...

What do you think? Is that-- Is that funny?

I... Yeah, I think it's funny, don't you? Really?

I don't know, I'm too close to it, I really can't tell.

Are my lips that fat?

No, Larry, they're not.

Really? You know what the kids used to call me

when I was little? No.

Fat lips.

Look, your lips are fine.

At least they're not out of proportion with your teeth.

You know what the kids used to call my teeth

when I was little?

You know what? I can't do this anymore, Larry.

I already told you that your butt,

your lips and your teeth are all fine.

No, okay.

So it's my chin.

You know... That's what it is.

I've earned the right to leave the room.

You're saying that's accurate to my chin?

May I leave the room? Sure.

I didn't know it was so painful.

No one forced you to stay.

Would you send Paul in here, please?

Hey.

Hey now.

You get the stuff? Yep.

Mouthwash?

Eye drops.

Odor eaters.

Size 12, for the big man.

Uh-huh.

Hand lotion?

Check. All right.

Hard-on cream?

No, I forgot it.

This is fun. Yeah.

I can never talk this way around Darlene,

she'd just get all insulted. Ah, you know women.

Okay.

I'll be in my office whacking off.

Okay.

I'll hold all your calls.

Brian!

Coming! Coming!

Yes?

What the hell did you do in here?

I tidied things up a bit, just moved the furniture

around a little.

I can move it all back.

No, no, no, no, no. Don't you dare.

I-- I love this.

You do?

What did-- What'd you do?

I mean, the room, it just seems,

I don't know, so much bigger. Yeah.

The Chinese call it Feng Shui,

the placement of objects in a room to maximize

your harmony and power.

Well, since my divorce, my dick could use a little Feng Shui.

That's very funny.

Thank you. And--

Oh, this.

This came Federal Express. Mhm.

My god, it's from Darlene.

Oh. It's-- it's a letter from Darlene.

Hey, guys!

(clearing throat)

Can I have your attention, please?

Come on, come on, gather around.

Look what I have got.

Hey, look, everybody.

Hank got mail.

No, no, no, it's not just mail.

It is a letter from Darlene.

"Dear Hank, I hope you are doing well.

"How's Beverly?

Please say hello to her for me."

Hello, Beverly.

"How is Paula?"

Fine, Darlene.

"Has she lost any weight?"

No! No.

"I love her more than she can love herself.

"Hank, I have met a wonderful man.

"A holy man, he lives in India

"and I have decided to follow him.

"He has shown me the true way

"and I have been reborn into truth

"and light and I now know that I can never return to the life

"that I had there with all of you.

"Please forgive me, Hank.

"I'll miss..." Um.

This is sort of akin to Madonna being nominated for best virgin!

(laughter on TV)

Okay, I have an appointment to catch with the Swedish

bikini team, so let's get started...

Larry? Dana Carvey's here to see you.

... Nobel Prize for medicine. (TV clicks off)

You got a cigarette?

Yeah.

There you go.

Darlene would never let me smoke.

No? Mm-mmm.

Thank you.

I was with Darlene for...

I was with her for six years.

We were best friends.

I am so sorry.

(sobbing)

Oh, god...

I am so pathetic.

You are not pathetic.

I don't even know you.

That's okay.

You know, the toughest people are the ones who can cry.

I'm tough.

Yeah, you are.

You're tough, sir.

Hey, life.

Take your best shot.

'Cause to Mr. Hank Kingsley, life is a carousel

and the sun is a scoop of ice cream.

Yeah, so blow away those clouds that rain on his parade.

You got a job lined up after this?

No.

Wanna be my personal assistant?

Really? Yeah.

What the fuck?

Oh, wow.

Might be fun, you know?

Go to ballgames, chase women, work out at the gym.

I love the gym.

Oh, you saw the tape?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, with the impression? Yeah, I love it.

You gotta do it on the show. We're gonna do it.

Good. Oh, they didn't mention that to me.

No, we're gonna do it. I'm gonna get the whole-- the teeth, the whole thing, and

we'll do it back and forth, like I used to do with Dennis Miller.

It always killed. Right.

Remember that? Carvey, don't wanna be "coquicous" here,

but I feel squeaky in my squawka.

Bawk, bawk.

I'm like a wheeka-pop.

He must hate that.

He loved it. He must hate it.

It was his idea. Really? What else is he gonna say?

Oh, me... There you go, there, come on.

You are so tense.

Oh, me... Give it up.

There you go.

Oh, that's good. Yeah?

You see? I can tell.

I can feel it all in your back.

You're mad, you're angry,

because Darlene ran away, right?

'Cause she left you.

I know, I felt exactly the same way when Keith ran off.

I'm sorry.

Who's Keith, your dog?

No, he was my lover.

We were together for five years.

Sorry, um...

I'm not-- I'm not following you.

Your-- Your lover?

Yeah, he was my boyfriend.

Hmm. (quietly) Oh, man.

Are you--

Um...

Are you gay? Yeah.

But that was two years ago and I got over it.

So you're not-- You're not gay?

What do you mean? Um...

His chin is all puffed out, you know,

and I don't think that I look like that,

but he seems to want to do it.

Well, I wouldn't know, Mr. Sanders.

I haven't seen that show since Eddie Murphy left.

Yeah, well, I can understand that.

He walks around whining

and he's always rubbing his ass and he goes, oh, my--

Does my ass look fat?

Does my ass look fat?

I've-- I don't think I do that, do I?

Well, I've never seen you do that.

Right, right. I gotta run.

My truck's parked in a red zone. All right, okay.

Well, good talking to you, Sam.

It's Steve. Steve.

(loud bang) Hank: God damn it.

Hank, what are you doing?

I put a quarter in and then nothing came out.

Well, that's 'cause it's 50 cents now.

It just went up a couple of years ago.

You wouldn't have known that.

Oh, thank you. I want a... Coke.

Oh...

No, it's fine, juice is great.

Thanks.

Uh, Larry, I just got off the phone with Neil Simon,

he dropped out of the poker game.

Now, see, Neil Simon, he whines.

Why doesn't Dana Carvey do an impression of Neil Simon?

Oh, great, you guys playing poker?

I'll-- I'll come.

I'm sorry, we just gave an

invitation to Barry Levinson.

Excuse me, Hank? I'm sorry to interrupt,

but I just got off the phone with a Mr. Lewis

from Mother's Magic Soup--

Hello.

We're talking here.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hank, I know you're upset about Darlene,

but Jesus, we're not in a meeting, for Christ's sake.

We're just in the hallway, so lighten up on that lad.

He seems very nice. You know? You're right, you're right.

He's nice, he's very nice, but I don't--

He's-- He's gay.

He's gay? Well, don't tell Dana Carvey, 'cause you know what?

He'll do an impression of him.

Well, okay. Let me ask you a question.

How would you feel if Beverly was a gay?

A gay?

What are you, Italian?

You know, look at the bright side,

Maybe this will be your first chance to fuck your assistant.

Aw, come on. Come on, now.

I gotta let him go.

You cannot fire this boy because he's gay, Hank.

We'd have a lawsuit.

If you want to fire him, you better find a damn good reason.

I have-- I have a good reason.

There was not one indication on that resume that he was gay,

not-- not-- not one.

Barbara Streisand.

Aw...

Aw, shit.

Do you know where I found this message slip?

Hank, I don't even...

In Larry's slot.

In Larry's slot.

Now I'm gonna be wondering all the time, what else is waiting

for me in Larry's slot?

I-- I can't work this way.

Hank, I don't even remember him calling.

And I wished to god it stopped there.

But-- What is this?

Hello.

What is this?

Aloe vera. Uh-huh.

And what did I ask for?

Aloe vera.

Yes.

I asked for lanolin.

I asked for lanolin.

Darlene was with me for six years.

She never did this.

Hank, you asked for aloe vera.

See, that's the attitude that I cannot take.

Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

It's obvious this-- this is not working out, so I would

appreciate it if you would just finish out the day and go.

So this has nothing to do with me being gay, does it?

Oh, come on, mister.

Come on!

No. So-- so it's the aloe vera.

'Cause I can certainly see how that would be the last straw.

You see? There-- there it is again,

there's that attitude thing, again.

Listen, my friend.

I am a supporter of the gay community.

I wore a red ribbon to the Emmys.

I have been to several Elton John concerts.

What does that mean?

Elton John...

is a gay.

Dana, doing impression : Is my hair too big? What is it?

I mean, my god, look at my hair. (laughter)

Does my ass look too fat in these pants or what?

I mean, look at my ass.

I'm touching my ass.

Um, I'm gonna go get your, uh, fruit. Okay, thanks.

Hey. So, I guess-- I guess you're gonna do it, huh?

Yeah. Good, good, good.

Well, now that you've kinda seen it, does it bother you?

Honestly. Same disguise, I think Michael Jackson wears

when he goes to Disneyland, isn't it?

Uh, it's a bit over the top, yes.

But that's how I do these things, I mean, you know,

my hope is that it's so abstract,

so cartoony that it wouldn't be offensive to you,

you know, I mean, like, well George Bush is just like,

(impersonating) not gonna do it, wouldn't be...

You know, I mean, and if you've seen me do Jay Leno, it becomes,

(impersonating) Yeah, so, like, anyone...

And you are just...

(whining)

So that's my hope.

I mean, so you're all right? Is it all right?

It bothers you.

Do you have to do the teeth, you think?

I mean, that's up to you.

It's great, I'm just kidding.

Well, uh... the teeth are the best part.

(chatter)

Man: 20 seconds.

Well, what? Is he gonna do it?

Well, last time I saw him, he was still in his Larry makeup.

What the hell difference does it make?

I just want you to remember there was only one Elvis,

look how many people imitated him.

Elvis is also fat and has a big fat ass.

Well, wear a cape and a big belt,

nobody will notice your ass.

(cheering and applause)

Welcome back.

My next guest is a very good friend,

he's an extremely talented performer

and we're always thrilled to have him here

on the Larry Sanders show.

Please welcome Mr. Dana Carvey.

Dana Carvey!

(cheering and applause)

Oh! (laughs)

(laughs)

Wow. Why, you look-- you look great. What?

That's a beautiful suit. Thank you.

(Italian accent) It's a Versace, eh?

Baby, you like-a that, huh?

Hey, you seem to touch yourself when you say it.

What? You touched yourself.

You said Versace and you touched yourself.

Touch myself on the leg.

Why does "yourself" have to mean penis?

Good night. I thought that's what Versace meant.

Hey!

Now, let's talk about your political--

Yes, of course. What you're doing politically.

(impersonating Bush) Well, I was known as doing George Bush.

I do Clinton now, Bill Clinton.

My image of Clinton is that Hillary

goes off to the hill and works and Clinton stays home.

(impersonating Clinton) See, I mean, I like to stay in bed, I'll be honest with you

and I get a big piece of toast with a big gob of marmalade

on it and I just watch Regis and Kathy Lee every morning,

you know? (laughter)

'Cause you never know what Regis

will say to Kathy Lee about Frank Gifford,

I mean, it is funny stuff.

And about 1:00 on TNT,

I mean, you can watch "Flipper,"

which is a good show,

'cause that's a smart fish, I swear to god,

I wish I had him in my cabinet.

If there's dynamite in an underwater mine,

Flipper will tell you five times out of seven.

(laughter)

People say I flip-flop and I don't,

but then again, I do. But...

(old man impersonation) Now, you're all gone.

See, so the grumpy old man

is just Lionel Barrymore being abstract.

Now, Monty Python did that bit about...

(British accent) our life was so hard,

were were, like, here we are in a paper bag,

when we grew up, we ate dirt.

And they compete for who had the worst childhood.

Well, I thought it would be neat to have a character who actually

liked the hideousness of his past, the grumpy old man.

(old man impersonation) Things were great when I was young.

I loved it, God love it.

In my day, we didn't have safety belts to restrain you.

If you hit something and stopped suddenly, you knew where you

were going, straight through the windshield.

Splat.

You were dead and you loved it.

Whoopee!

I'm a mass of bleeding bones

on the highway and I love it.

In my day, we didn't have flame-retardant sleepwear.

If you went to bed smoking, you woke up engulfed in flames.

Whoopity-doo! I'm on fire and I love it.

I'm a bleeding, flaming corpse and god, I love it so!

As God as my witness, I'm in heaven as I flame up

in a bleeding kinda way.

Oh!

Wait, I have more!

You wanna do more?

I'll do more.

We're running out of time. We're running out of time?

Okay.

Uh, well, why don't you come back sometime.

I hope you will, 'cause we were--

Of course I will. Okay.

But Dana Carvey, he's been great, and we'll be right back

with the Raspyni Brothers.

Hank: Beautiful.

Man: Clear!

Why didn't you do the impression?

Well... I was shocked.

I thought you were gonna do the impression of me.

No, I could tell that bothered you.

Oh, no, no, no, I loved it. When we talked.

I was hoping you were gonna do it.

I think it would have been a great top

for what just went on tonight.

No. I could tell you hated it.

The only problem was that, you know, I mean, I was under the

impression that I was supposed to do it

and it was a bit of a hassle

getting the wig and the teeth, it was expensive. I'm sorry.

Well, no, it's all right. You'll win all the money back at the poker game tonight.

Oh, I-- I can't make the poker game.

My son's got an ear infection. He might be up tonight.

Why aren't you coming to the poker game? You love the poker game.

So you're mad, aren't you? No, no, no, he has an ear infection.

I'm not mad. You're mad because you think

I didn't let you do the impression.

No, I'm not.

Let it out, you're holding your anger in,

this is weird. It's crazy.

I'm not mad.

Just tell me, let it out.

(Austrian accent) Why should I be mad?

I have many arrows in my comedic arsenal, Larry.

Let's put the Larry Sanders back in the sheath and pull out the

Jimmy Stewart arrow.

Bing!

Bull's eye.

There's your anger. You're an asshole.

I need a water.

A water, please?

A water. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, the top is on.

You know, you want the truth?

What's really pissing me off is that your staff said come out

and do-- do Larry Sanders, he'll love it.

Then I get out here, you're obviously saying, don't do it,

but you wouldn't tell me, now you're saying, why didn't you do it?

And that does piss me off. All right, you know what?

Other than that. I love you.

Okay. I'll never do it again.

Fucking believe Larry?

What do you mean?

Well, he's so vain, he won't let Carvey

do that great impression of him.

Brian: I don't blame him.

If I was Larry, I'd take that little Dana Carvey and I'd

dry-shave him with a Flicker.

What are you talking about?

Brian: Just because Larry has his own show

doesn't mean he's not a human being.

How would you feel, Phil, if, like, one of your friends wanted

to make you look like a sniveling, annoying fool

on national television?

I mean, Dana Carvey obviously hurt him with that impression.

(sighs) He did.

Thank you.

Very refreshing.

Woman: Good show, Larry.

Larry?

I think you were absolutely right in not letting Carvey

do that impression of you.

Really? Oh, absolutely.

He's supposed to be a friend of yours, he should know better.

He should know that something like that

would hurt your feelings. Well, see, that's what I thought.

I think you should dry-shave that little fucker

with a Flicker.

Right. That's exactly right.

What's a Flicker? I...

Listen, what are you doing later?

Nothing.

I'm not doing anything. Really?

Hey, well, why don't you come along?

We're gonna be playing some poker later

with some of the guys.

Would you like to play?

I would love to play.

Uh, you might have to refresh my memory on some of the rules.

Ah, well, just bring your money.

Okay. All right?

All right.

Where do you think you're going, Mr. Hank Kingsley's

permanent assistant?

I thought you were uncomfortable with me being gay.

I am.

Where else am I gonna find a personal assistant

who will tell me when Larry is hurt?

Thank you.

You ordered aloe vera.

Yes, I did.

I'm sorry, forgive me.

And Doug Llewelyn didn't call, did he?

Doug Llewelyn's a faggot.

Sorry.

Now, I am going to play poker

with Larry and Arthur. Great.

Do you want me to download some tips from the Internet for you?

There's no need, I worked on a cruise ship for eight years.

I did nothing but play poker.

I am going to kick their asses.

He seems really angry.

Oh, fuck Dana, we don't need him.

Well, maybe you're right.

You feeling lucky tonight, me'boy?

Well, I got a boner.

Whoa, we're all in trouble!

Beverly: Larry?

Larry, uh, Dana Carvey just called from his car and he's

coming to the poker game.

Hey, now we don't need Hank.

♪ ♪